Wednesday, 28 December 2016
DCC Campaign Update: I'm already starting to regret that pinky-swear
In our last session (our last few sessions, actually), the PCs were making their way through the nightmarish wasteland known as "The Shithole", all to try to get Bill the Elf to the Grand Council of Wizards. Only last session, Bill had stayed behind bonking the attractive and powerful (but baby-obsessed) sorceress known as the Queen of the Lake, while the rest of the party forged ahead.
-"Hey, I tried! Stop competence-shaming me!"
-Sometime in the night, Yarr the halfling wandered off.
"She was the only competent one in the party!"
"I wouldn't go that far! I'd say she was just the only one not-incompetent in the party."
-"So, should we try to go look for her?"
-As the party set off, they soon ran into the Bill the Elf, who caught up with them by travelling with the aid of Levitation.
"Quick, I need healing!"
"For what? You don't look injured..."
-The other PCs try to tell Bill about Jal'udin's dire warnings, which he'd pleaded with them to tell Bill about, just before stabbing each of them with his Dagger of Teleportation to send them to the Shithole.
"Eh, Jal'udin is a weasel"
"Shlub has faced weasels! They are very dangerous."
"There's weasels here?!"
"I'm not surprised.. it's the shithole."
"Weasels are the shitholes deadliest natural predator."
"What about shoggoths?"
"Those are the deadliest unnatural predator."
-"Will the Queen of the Lake be coming after us now?"
"Well, given that I'm in the body of a radioactive mutant, she might just be too busy getting cancer around now."
-"Are you really sure Sezrekan isn't insane, and won't fuck up the world?"
-"So where are we going?"
"We're going to see the council of wizards."
"Yeah, right.. you mean we're going to go destroy the council of wizards!"
"I'm already starting to regret that pinky-swear."
"No, no, when I said 'destroy' I meant 'join'!"
"For our group, 'see', 'join' and 'destroy' are all interchangeable."
-"So Shebubu, I see you carry the Mark of Shame."
"I consider it the mark of pride, and I'm never getting rid of it. I don't give a shit anymore!"
"Yeah, that's what happens to most clerics."
-"Wait, am I a wizard?"
"No, you're an idiot."
-"You guys are being attacked by some creatures, they look sort of like time-dinosaurs, only they're nude and larger and seem to be of animal intelligence."
-"I think the Equestrian has become creepier than Morris at this point."
"The difference is Morris tries to be a creep, whereas for the Equestrian it just comes naturally."
-"The Equestrian is dead, guys!"
"What? He's not dead, Shebubu; I can see him breathing!"
"Aww, ok, he's alive."
-Having defeated the non-time Dinosaurs, the PCs carry on, and reach a strange building.
"Do you think that's Tijuana?"
"No, it would be shittier than that place."
-The building turns out to be a kind of monastery, populated mainly by furry purple monsters of Shlub's race. But unlike all the other members of their kind, these have taken up the art of meditation to attempt to rid themselves of their racial addiction to seeking out and following mighty wizards.
-"So what do you guys think of just moderately bad wizards?"
"We think they are gateway to mighty wizards, we renounce it."
"So moderately bad wizards are like the marijuana of wizardry?"
-The chief abbot of the monastery is a kind of blue elf, with psionic powers.
"He is a mighty wizard!"
"No, he is mighty monk!"
"You guys are just exchanging one kind of addiction for another!"
"Don't question it dude."
-"And are you guys also concerned about clerics?"
"We don't really care."
"Geez, you are so singleminded, Shebubu! Always so concerned about how people view clerics... by the way, have you got any horses here?"
-"How do we find our way to the Council of Wizards?"
"You must seek out the center, in the black middle of the Shithole."
"Tijuana is a shithole!"
-"So how long does it take to become a monk and get psychic powers? Could I do it in, say, a half-hour?"
"No, it takes a lifetime of spiritual discipline to become a true master monk"
"Ok, then I'm out."
-The group decides to immediately leave the monastery, in spite of the monks having offered them to stay as long as they liked. After a short while they reach some hills, and there they are surprise-attacked by a group of Giant Saber-Toothed Weasels!
"Oh crap! The Shithole's deadliest natural predator!"
"This could be a Total Party Bill."
-Half the party is dropped in the first round. Shlub is torn to shreds by giant weasels while Bill uses levitate to float away to safety.
-"Bill, you've levitated out of any danger, abandoning your friends to the weasels. What will you do now?"
"I have a couple of scratches, so I drink a healing potion while they're being disemboweled."
-After killing or scaring off the weasels with Control Fire, Bill floats back down and starts to check if any of his companions are still alive.
"The Equestrian is dead."
"Oh well, his life had no purpose anymore without a horse."
"You know I could've just gotten another horse!"
"I'm pretty sure your horse warned the other horses about you, and now none of them would have gone near you."
-Bunda the transparent wizard and Shebubu are also dead! It has been, in fact, a Total Party Bill.
-At this point, the session takes a short break to create 9 new 0-level characters. One player manages to get an 18 Luck!
"That's a character made to save vs. death!"
"Unless I roll a 20.. and knowing my luck..."
"We do know your luck. It's 18."
-Bill figured at this point that it would be a good time to try to just teleport to Tijuana. Unfortunately, after a great effort and multiple spellburns to successfully cast Planar Step, he discovers that Planar Step doesn't actually work in the Shithole.
"You know, I'd feel bad for you.. but everyone else is DEAD."
"I know, huh? Weasels really ARE the deadliest predator!"
-The next day, Bill tries to continue flying with levitate, but he fails his check.
"I guess I'll just start walking, like a peasant!"
-Feeling lonely, bill takes the mutant-skin cloak off of Bunda's mangled corpse, puts it on a stick, and pretends it's a traveling companion.
"So.. it's like a really freaky version of 'Wilson'"?
-After a short walk, however, Bill runs into a vale where there's a yellow mutant sorcerer engaging in some kind of dark sacrificial ritual. So he fries the wizard and frees the 9 conveniently-placed newbs.
-The newbs had been drugged. Bill finds a large jar of rohypnol among the dead wizard's possesions.
-One of the newbies is a particularly fortunate 0-level character who got a plutonium-missile bazooka as one of his starting possessions! He names himself "Bazooka Arnok".
-Another newbie, named Muu, is a psychic! He's also a professional booze-maker.
"Here, have some dinosaur-juice!"
"Oh god, not again!"
-There's also two ex-slave green-mutant brothers. And a halfling chicken-rider (if there's one race of demi-humans that would thrive in the Shithole, it had to be halflings). And a tough-looking red-mutant Hunter. Another is a mud-man mutant.
-There's also a mutant pacifist in the group.
"My name is Haade."
-"If both of the brothers make it to level 1, I'm going to make a rare exception and let you play them both."
"Oh man, that's a tough choice. My third guy is Bazooka Arnok!"
"Well, don't overthink it. Nature will probably solve this dilemma for you."
-The two brothers quickly prove to be annoying in a weird-twin sort of way.
-"I'll be soo happy when one of your two brothers die. Just one, mind you, I'm not cruel."
"Losing a brother can really fuck someone up in this campaign though, look at what it did to Bill."
-Resting in the dangerous wilderness of the Shithole, the members of the party on the 3rd watch see a large green blob-thing heading toward them. Bazooka Arnok decides to test out the Plutonium Mini-Missile Bazooka. He utterly nukes the blob.
"I like this!"
-Some time the next day, the PCs see a fort in the distance and start to approach it. A patrol of armed blue mutants come out, looking potentially hostile. Just in case, Arnok fires another Bazooka-missile at them!
"Um... no that was.. a warning shot!"
-In any case, the blue mutants naturally flee in a panic when they realize they're being fired at with plutonium missiles, rushing back into the fort.
-"We should threaten to blow up the castle if they don't surrender."
"Ok! Hey in there.. surrender and we will blow up your castle!"
-"Abandon the castle and send someone to parley!"
"Wait, which is it??"
-The leader of the blue mutant barbarians comes out to parley.
"What do you want?"
"I want to know how to get to the wizard's council."
"I have no idea what that is."
"Then you're of no use to me. Your fate is pretty much in the hand of these monsters here."
-"My name is Erb. I am the leader of this group of blue men. They call us the Blue Man Group."
-"Do you at least know where Tijuana is?"
"Dude you really aren't justifying your own survival here..."
-"I really want to blow this place up. I never blew up a fort before! I blew up my village once."
"You really shouldn't brag about things you've blown."
-The negotiations going nowhere, Bazooka decides to just fuck it, and blows up the fort.
-The PCs, having killed the leader of the Blue Man Group, go into the ruins of the castle to get whatever treasure they can scrounge. They find a survivor, his legs crushed under rubble. The red-mutant hunter makes him crawl.
-"Man, characters from the Shithole are a whole new level of asshole!"
-"I'm going to try to Mend the castle"
"Hey!! Oh no wait.. that means I can blow it up again! Do it!"
-"Don't drink any of the well water, you guys. It's probably got plutonium in it now"
-The crippled survivor is still being made to crawl around the yard "wwhy?? Why did you do this to us??"
"it was a joke!"
"Eh, I'd say it was more of a social experiment, really"
-They make the crippled survivor follow them crawling, for some time as they leave the fort. Just out of pure sadism.
"Wow.. I guess I've finally found my people!"
"Welcome to the Shithole, Bill!"
"I think I feel aroused."
-That night, Bill tenderly puts his fellow party members to a good night's sleep with Bunda's old sleep-rune-rock.
-In the night, more wrapped-up desert mutants get immolated on Bill's Sequester.
-Entering into a particularly desolate area of the Shithole, they find, in the midst of it, a strange metal fortress. It looks abandoned but very high-tech-level, possibly an Ancient structure.
-Inside they find some kind of astounding high-tech device, the nature of which they're not sure of. So they start pressing buttons and pulling levers until power gets reactivated. Then they keep pushing buttons until something happens.
-While pressing buttons on a platform, the two brothers suddenly vanish in a sparkle of star-trek style light!
-The halfling decides to try to repeat what the brothers did. He ends up in a different but very similar room full of electronics. When he turns around he sees the two brothers are on the floor, a hideous mangled fusion of a corpse.
"Well, now they're together in death!"
-It turns out that there's a whole network of several of these places in the Shithole, old outposts of the Ancients or the High Elves. Not all of them are abandoned. The Halfling and Bazooka Arnok, who also takes his chances with the teleporter, later end up in another station that's underground, and guarded by a hideous tentacle creature. Of course, Arnok blows him to bits with a plutonium missile.
-Heidi the pacifist ends up in another location, which turns out to be populated, by a red mutant wizard and his soldiers. Although it's clear he didn't construct the transmats, the Wizard claims ownership of it. He comes back to the first pad (where Bill, the red mutant, the psychic and some of the others had been waiting to see if any of their number came back), along with 20 of his soldiers. There's a moment of tension.
-The pacifist is apparently more impressed with his captors than with his current party. Or maybe he's just trying to find a way to escape his current group of sadistic psychopaths.
"If you like, I could join you!"
"If you prove useful to me."
"Oh... never mind."
-Bill decides it might be better to negotiate in this case. All he really wants is to get to the council of wizards, so he offers to leave this place if the Red Wizard can tell him where to go. It turns out he's only about two days away from Tijuana. The party (including Heidi) head off across the wasteland, knowing their incredibly shitty quest is nearing its climax.
-At the end of the session, Bazooka Arnok levels up! He decides to take the Thief class.
"Oh yeah, that makes sense given how subtle he is..."
That's it for today. Stay tuned, to see if next session, the party of deplorables make it to the lost city of Tijuana, to the Sphincter, and to the Council of Wizards... or if everything will go to shit, as usual.
Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Image Virginia