In our last session, the PCs had abandoned Bill the Elf and had met up with the Warlord Sandi, former adventurer and mother-to-be of Heidi's child. They recruited her to a somewhat doubtful plan to kill Sezrekhan, and then went to Highbay, theoretically to recruit a Neutral Wizard capable of becoming a servant of the Lords of Neutrality and gain the Sphere of Neutrality spell that would let them have at least a tiny, tiny chance of beating Sezrekhan on the plane he rules. But more accurately, to buy a bunch of drugs (and in Catboy's case, a slave-warrior).
Now:
-"What NPCs are with you guys?"
"Chariss."
"Yes."
"Wando the Neutral."
"Yes."
"And Ping Pong."
"You mean Pi Lin?"
"Oh yeah."
"I'm writing this down so everyone on the internet knows just how racist you are, Catboy."
-"Are we going to find Bill?"
"Yes."
"Oh good! He probably has drugs!"
"Chariss, you just got 1000 doses of opium!"
"Yes, I have some of that, still..."
-"We need Bill, to teach a certain spell that we can't mention in front of Heidi."
"Magic Missile?"
"Like.. Magic Missile Bond."
"Oh!"
-"Won't Bill try to kill you for marooning him, Catboy?"
"Well duh!"
-Apparently, Bill the Elf is being hunted by something called the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee, but thus far they've been after the wrong Bill.
-"Chariss gives Catboy some opium to smoke, that she was storing in her body."
"Chariss' goo is probably the most psychoactive substance in the world."
"Yeah, Catboy, if you take that you will die!"
"I don't think you're in a position to judge about my drug use, sky-cleric, after last session..."
"Mistakes were made!"
-"Computer, scan for elves!"
"NONE WITHIN SCANNING RANGE"
"Scan for blue elves!"
"Scan for asshole elves!"
"SPECIFY WHAT KIND OF ELVES ARE NOT ASSHOLES"
"Good point."
-"Wait... we came all the way here to try to find Bill, but doesn't Pertinax know Patron Bond?"
"Yes. His patron is the Lord of Blood and Fire."
"Oh shit. Computer, chart return course to Castle Dread."
"What a complete waste of time."
"Sami, we need you back!"
-The PCs get back to Sandy.
"When are we doing this killing Sezrekhan thing? You guys know I'm on a timetable here..."
"How long until the baby is supposed to be born, Sandy?"
"Well, a doctor said I need about two more weeks before I can perform a caesarean."
"...what?!"
-"If Zargon agrees to attack Sezrekhan, we'll probably need to make a deal with the Halconlords."
"You want me to negotiate with the Halconlords?!"
"Yes."
"If the negotations fail, can I kill them?"
"Yes."
"Can I make the negotations fail on purpose?"
"No."
"This deal is getting worse by the second."
-"Hey, just waiting here is boring, does anyone feel just like killing some bitches for fun?"
"Do we get XP for killing time?"
-"Have you got anything for us to kill, Sandy?"
"Well, there's this dungeon of mutant hobgoblins... they're the only ones who haven't submitted to me yet. They worship some god of their own, and all the other goblinoids say they're total assholes."
"We could take them out for you!"
"Fine. Go nuts."
"So do they worship a demon, patron, monster or what?"
"Maybe they just have really good PR?"
-"Can you get my slave some armor?"
"Sure. We'll get him some chain mail, because plate would be too good for him."
"That's true!"
-Meanwhile, a long-lost PC has returned: Ropework!
"He's spent the last several years as a slave of the Sky-nazis, after they conquered and destroyed the Presbyterian Council."
"So what happened?"
"He was rescued by The Man, who took him to meet with Jal'udin and offered him the chance to betray Bill."
"He agrees."
"In that case, Jaludin stabs Ropework with the dagger of teleportation to send him to where Bill's party is currently found."
"Three years without hearing anything about Bill the Elf, and the second he comes up in conversation again I get stabbed."
-The PCs get to the site and are attacked by hobgoblins!
"You notice one of the hobgoblins has a huge hump on his back."
"He's a humpgoblin!"
-"Pi Lin fails his morale check after being hit by a hobgolin and runs!"
"No! Pi Lin come back!!"
-"Hey Ropetrick, how far are you from leveling?"
"1 xp."
"He's in the danger zone!"
"There's 3 of us in the danger zone right now."
-"Chariss is like the new team mom... if the team mom was a trailer-park opioid addict."
-"I throw a flashlight at one of the hobgoblins!"
"you miss, and now you're in the dark."
"The cleric casts light!"
"OK, the whole cave is illuminated now, totally exposing the catboy."
"goddamn it."
-"I throw Pi Lin at the goblins!"
"You could do that, but you would probably kill Pi Lin."
"That's fine."
-"Pi Lin is still alive!"
"The two hobgoblins he slammed into broke his fall."
"Well done Tai Chi!"
"I was helpful!"
-"What are we doing here?"
"Killing hobgoblins."
"I know that!"
"That's all we need to know."
"That's all any of us know, actually."
-"You get healing, he gets healing, everyone gets healing!"
-"Sky-Cleric, you better not baptize my son when he's born!"
"But he needs it to go to Heaven!"
"We literally know it doesn't work that way!"
"Yeah, you need an Ancient for that!"
-"you should try this drug, Ropetrick. It's called Mageworm, it'll give you more power!"
"What does it do?"
"I don't remember, you either eat it or put it in your ass.."
-"It has no consequences!"
"Are... are you sure?"
"The dragonman drug dealer who sold it to us didn't mention any, so..."
-"Catboy, I'll fly you over while you disarm the trap controls at the end of the corridor."
"OK... yeah.. it's safe to cross now. Heidi, don't drop me, just in case."
-"The party is attacked by a group of hobgoblins. One of them has six arms!"
"Heidi is drawn to him..."
"Does he have nipples?"
"Six nipples."
"OK, no one look at Heidi's erection!"
-"you find a small hidden room, full of junk. The material suggests that the room may have belonged to the hobgoblin shaman you just killed."
"We found the masturbation hut!"
-"Does Detect Magic spot anything?"
"Yes. You detect a Magic Weasel Penis, and a Magic Ring."
-The party moves on to a room with a strange high-tech device, like a kind of pod connected to a bunch of pipes.
"Pi Lin, do you want to go in?"
"I want to do what you want, master!"
"What do you want?"
"I only wish to belong!"
"If you go into the pod, you'll belong."
"...OK."
-"The Pod fills with green goop, completely enveloping Pi Lin, and it continues until you hear a 'ping' noise and the liquid starts to drain."
"Wait, is the guy in there named Ping?"
-"Pi Lin, you are now free!"
"This is the happiest day of my life!"
"He's probably going to die now."
-"As you proceed you get to a vertical shaft."
"I check it out."
"Suddenly, there's a huge tentacle-thing coming down at you from the ceiling!"
"It's a Cave Asshole!"
-"Heidi, your turn."
"I'm going to charge right through it."
"Yes, penetrate the Cave Asshole!"
-"Heidi rams his way right through the creature, it explodes into bits that rain down on the PCs."
"eww."
"Then he keeps going and gets stuck in the shaft."
"Oh god not again!"
"Guys, Heidi's Winnie the Pooh again."
"We're going to be banned in China."
-"Grab Heidi by his atrophied baby-legs and pull him down!"
-"You reach what seems to be a dead end."
"I search for traps."
"Suddenly, you realize the wall is actually a carefully camouflaged creature that rushes at you!"
"Look out! It's a Wall Asshole!"
-"The party makes their way into a large cave, where there are several hobgoblin guards whose bodies are covered with a kind of spikey exoskeleton."
"I attack one of the spiked hobgoblins and use him to attack another spiked hobgoblin."
-The party discovers that the cave has a large horrifically mutated slime dragon, which seems to be pooping out the goop that is then shunted up by pipes to the room with the pod.
"Oh... man, that's gross. Sorry, Pi Lin!"
"You got bathed in dragon slime-poop!"
-"The dragon breathes deadly poison gas!"
"We all have sealed armor! Hah!"
-"The dragon fires its eyebeams, which petrify its target! Roll to save, Heidi!"
"I failed."
"You get turned to stone."
"Heidi looks all heroic as a statue, wielding a dead hobgoblin."
-"The dragon now fires its petrification beam at the cleric."
"Oh shit! If he gets the cleric we won't be able to change them back!"
"Natural 20! Fuck you, dragon!"
-"The catboy snorts weretiger blood."
"You get +1d6 Stamina"
"Ohhh"
"And +1d6 Strength"
"wow."
"+2 to all saving throws"
"awesome!"
"Also, roll percentile."
"01."
"You are now infected with lycanthropy."
-"Heidi's depetrified, but now his armor is locked."
"He's going to try to push through with all his might to use the armor anyways."
"Roll a strength check."
"Natural 1."
"You shit yourself in your armor from the strain."
-"It's all up to you now, Catboy."
"You've said that to each person!"
"You're all fucked now."
-"Catboy, high on Weretiger blood, stabs the fuck out of the dragon, burning up all his luck."
"He kills it!"
"Pi Lin stabs the dying dragon in the balls. We did it!"
The session ends with the PCs in the cave. The dragon is dead but the Catboy is a lycanthrope and out of luck, and the sky-cleric petrified.
Will they get out of this pickle? Stay tuned next time!
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Raleigh Hawkbill + Image Virginia
