The RPGPundit: November 2019

In our last adventure, the PCs (sans Bill the Elf, who the Catboy abandoned in the Giant Goblin kingdom) went into a hobgoblin warren and killed a weird mutant slime dragon. But not without a cost: the sky-cleric ended up petrified!

Now:

-The cleric's player rolls up some emergency Newbs: a dwarven mushroom-farmer, a Bharatan drug-dealer, and a mutant smuggler.
"Well, they're consistent as a party, at least!"

-Bill was last seen teleported right into the horde of giant goblins.
"The goblins immediately attacked you, got a couple of lucky criticals on you, and you're going down, the last thing you see before you pass out is a guy, flying toward you in what looks like a hovering mobility-scooter, an obese guy with an unkempt beard in soiled wizard robes and hat, shouting 'hang on, I'm a coming'!"
"What??"

-Bill regains consciousness in what appears to be a tour bus, with the aforementioned fat wizard guy, and.. Fake Bill (the con artist who had been previously posing as Bill the Elf in the Grey Realms)!
"What.. what's happening?"
"Hi there friend! Big Fat Merlin saved you, Bill!"

-"Who's Big Fat Merlin?"
"He is; he's my road manager!"
"What's a Road Manager?"
"That's best explained... in song!"

-"That song didn't explain anything!"

-"I guess you know by now that our invasion of the Jade Realm failed miserably. It seems they were warned."
"yeah, that's too bad."
"And because of that disaster, the Game Controller was overthrown in a revolution to restore the monarchy, and I had to run away back to the material plane, where I started doing a Bill the Elf tour, doing my musical act and threatening people for extortion."
"Wait, to restore the monarchy? Does that mean Priscilla is Queen of the Grey Realms again?"
"Yes."
"Oh damn. Because the Catboy left her back there."
"The Catboy is to blame for everything!"

-"OK, before we talk, I need to go to the Giant Goblin Kingdom and do a thing."
"What thing?"
"I'm going to set fire to the entire kingdom."

-"So what do you want from me?"
"I need your help, friend. The Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee is after me. And by me, I mean they're after you."

-"What's the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee?"
"They're a group dedicated to killing you, and since I'm saying I'm Bill the Elf, they're trying to kill me. So, I need you to destroy them, because if they catch me I'll have to tell them and everyone else that you're really Bill the Elf."
"OK, whatever. Where are they?"
"Well, I first ran into them in Highbay."

-"I don't even look like Bill anymore, though."
"Don't you?"
"I'm a girl!"
"He's a girl?"
"Yes I'm a girl, Merlin. I have boobs!"
"Men can have boobs!"

-"In exchange for killing the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee, we'll give you these three newbs."
"...OK."

-"You're part of the Bill the Elf Family now, Bill."
"I am Bill!"
"Yes, but I'm the one everyone thinks is Bill the Elf. But now you're part of my organization. You're like, Billgirl!"

-"You newbs belong to Elfchick now."
"Not belong, I think slavery is bad!"
"Says the guy who just genocided the entire Giant Goblin kingdom..."

-"But first, Big Fat Merlin needs a spongebath! You, the pretty boy, come here!"
"Oh god, kill me!"

-"Do I get XP for genociding the giant goblins?"
"Yes, you get 2XP, the minimum amount awarded for genocide."

-"So, like, Fake Bill was just some crappy musical theater dude who happened to be an elf, possibly named Bill, and he just ran with it when everyone thought he was THE Bill the Elf?"
"Yup."

-The rest of the party has made their way out of the mutant-hobgoblin warrens, and find a small army of orcs outside!
"Kill them, for the Warlord!"
"Wait, we're with Sandi!"
"Who are you?"
"I'm the father of her son!"
"Then that means you are the famous Heidi the Inferior To Sandy."
"Yes, correct."

-The PCs get back on the ship.
"Computer, set course for Castle Dread."
"SPECIFY WHICH CASTLE DREAD."
"There's more than one?"
"Yes. The world of the Last Sun is huge, and in it there's at least three assholes who decided to name their castle 'Dread'."
"And there's probably like 20 'Skull Islands'."

-"Computer, scan me for medical conditions."
"YOU ARE INFECTED WITH LYCANTHROPY."
"So when do I transform?"
"ONCE PER LUNAR CYCLE."
"...but there's no moon?"
"CORRECT."

-"We can't kill the Catboy because that would make us pro-sky-nazi... so we'll just have to manage him."
"What, like a road manager?"
"Maybe."
"What's a road manager?"
"If only there was some song about that..."

-"Computer, probe the sky-cleric."
"PROBE FAILED. UNABLE TO LOCATE ORIFICES."
"What? But.. your probes don't actually go into orifices!"
"PROBE STILL REQUIRES PRESENCE OF ORIFICES TO CALIBRATE."
"It's legacy programming."

-"The real Bill the Elf, who is a woman now, is coming to Castle Dread."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"So that's why she was so destructive all the time, she was in denial about herself..."

-"The newbie color mutant is orange and blue?"
"yeah."
"So we could call him Tide Pod."

-Bill meets Sandi again.
"I just want you to understand Bill, if you betray me this will end badly for you. I just have to win initiative against you to kill you. And I have a big bonus to initiative."
"Noted."

-"Breakfast at Castle Dread is giant chicken eggs and yogurt drunk from the skulls of Sandi's former enemies."
"Is there any fruit?"
"Jesus Bill, what happened to you!?"
"I think Sandi only eats meat, just like Jordan Peterson."

-"We're best friends now, Sandi!"
"No, we're not."
"But I don't want to be a friendless woman like Sami was!"
"Who? Oh, yeah, I forgot about Sami."

-Pi Lin hears about Bill's newfound objections to slavery.
"The Dragon Men who owned me have many slaves. Will you help me free the slaves, Bill the Elf?"
"...yes."

-"Hey Heidi, the dragonmen from the dragon quarter serve Marduk, a daemon. There, I helped."

-The party heads to Highbay, petrified sky-cleric in tow.
"There must be a cleric somewhere in Highbay who could fix him..."
"I know, let's ask Swanlee!"

-One short but irritating conversation later, the PCs are headed into the Highbay Rehab Dungeon to retrieve a cleric.
"I don't want to have anything to do with you people!"
"All you have to do is restore our cleric, he's been petrified."
"Fine... he succeeds in his check, and the sky-cleric is now restored."
"Good. Bill slices the other cleric's throat."
"Oh shit, why did you do that?!"
"Why not?"

-"Should I kill the newbs too?"
"No! I might need them someday after the Sky-Cleric dies."
"Fine, I'll just boot the newbs off the ship onto the roof of the Highbay City Hall."

-"Now let's go to the Dragonmen HQ, get those magic items you guys paid down-payments for, and then kill them all!"
"OK."

-"Don't kill the dragonmen, Heidi, they're all going to laugh at you!"
"LOL, OK, Chariss.."

-"Pi Lin thinks you are a good man, Bill."
"No he's not! He just brutally murdered a cleric for no reason!"
"That cleric was a slave to his addictions. I freed him!"
"Goddamn it Bill."
"I told you there would be consequences!"

-The PCs make their way to the House of 1000 Orchids, where they meet Master Po of the Dragonmen and his various attendants, guards and slaves.
"Bill keeps asking them about Marduk, like, you guys worship Marduk don't you?"
"We follow the correct temple rites."
"They're Confucians!"

-"Heidi is grabbing his sword."
"Catboy takes the dragonman aside: can I talk to you for a second?"
"Yes?"
"Listen to me: you and everyone with you are dead men. They're going to kill you for following daemons!"
"I see. Thank you for this kind information. We will take care of things."
"Ok, so, you'll stop talking about Marduk?"
"Yes. And you will of course benefit from having given us this information."
"Huh?"

-A while later, the Dragonmen bring tea.
"I don't drink."
"Me either."
"Do any of you drink?"
"The Catboy drinks."
"OK, so only the Catboy and Chariss are drinking any of the tea."

-"Suddenly, a canister is dropped from the ceiling, and releases a poison gas! Everyone except Catboy make a saving throw."
"What??"
"Why not Catboy?"
"He's the only one who drank the tea!"
"Motherfuckers. The tea was an antidote."
"They manipulated your natural paranoia."

-Most of the characters were able to either get breathers on or make their fortitude save. But now, ninja-like assassins attack!

-Chariss makes a run for it.
"You guys hold them off, I'm going to steal all the drugs!"

-"Ropework casts Shield. But he got a 1."
"Your shield manifests under your feet, and now you're sliding around on it like a hoverboard."

-"You notice none of the ninjas are attacking the Catboy."
"Because the Catboy snitched to them about Heidi!"

-The ninjas are using poison darts that paralyze most of the PCs. Everyone is down except Bill.
"I blow the horn of dutchmen!"
"7 dutchmen appear... isn't that weird?"
"Why did this have to happen while the sky-cleric is unconscious?!"
"They're dutch, not germans."
"It's sort of the same."
"Just weirder."

-"Catboy, when you step out the door you see that when the Dragonmen sounded the gong, all the Dragonmen and armed mutant servants/slaves are coming out of every building and heading toward the House of 1000 Orchids to join the fight."
"Do not attack the Catboy! He helped us with information."

-"What are you doing?"
"Our enemies will either be killed or enslaved. But not you, because you betrayed your allies with information to us."
"The sky-cleric is paralyzed but can he hear all this?"
"Yes."

-"Too bad we don't still have another Cleric who can cure paralysis and didn't get his throat cut, huh?"
"Damn you, Bill."

-Ropework is dead!
"Oh damn."
"He had just gotten to level 2!!"
"I can't believe he was only just level 2."
"He was very memorable."
"Mostly for his shitty spells."
"For some reason, a lot of characters die right after leveling. Maybe that's the real Danger Zone."

-"Bill's remembering the last time someone snitched and killed the entire party."
"So Bill is going to punish the Catboy for doing by accident what Bill usually does on purpose?"
"Only Bill is allowed to kill the party!"

-"I told you that there would be consequences!!"

-"We probably aren't going to get those magic items guys..."
"Well, Catboy might."
"His reward for betrayal will be to finally own pants!"

-"Tell us what you said, Catboy!"

-Catboy manages to convince the Dragonmen that the whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding.
"You guys didn't understand what I was saying. They were never going to betray you!"
"The Dragon Council will decide how to proceed in adjudicating this."

-The PCs are freed by the Dragonmen, and are brought before the Dragon Council.
"Can we just get our items?"
"We will award restitution."
"Well, one of our party members died. Could you give us three newbies?"
"Ah, I see you are familiar with the cosmic principle of '3 for 1'!"

-"Master Po will also pay for the funerary rites of your dead companion."
"I shall, Venerable Masters, but I do not know his funerary customs."
"Oh.. he needs to be... tightly bound in rope all over his body, like a mummy. And then set on fire!"
"hehe"

-The Dragonmen hand over the three newbies: they're two feral halflings and an Hipster Elf thrift-store salesman.

-"Now that the dragonmen have given us our magic items... I will try to decapitate Master Po!"
"Oh shit."
"Are you sure? Catboy, the Cleric and the Dwarf have all left already.."
"I don't care."

-Heidi surprise attacks, decapitating Po in front of all his guards and dragonmen!
"Oh shit!"

-"We have to find a way to make this look like an accident!"

-While the Catboy and the others are flying up toward the ship, they spot Chariss clinging to a roof.
"Hey, you guys!! I stole ALL the drugs!"
"The magic ones?"
"Yeah!!"
"Damn. Go get her!"

-"So Chariss was gone the whole time?"
"Yeah, she left at the start of the first fight, and no one saw her until now."
"Yeah, she said she was going to steal all the drugs, and she stole all the drugs!"
"She's a blob of her word."
"Right now, she's the most effective member of the party!"

-Heidi fumbles against a 1HD guard.
"Your feeble attack looks laughable!"
"Damn it, Chariss was right!"

-"Heidi, do you want to pull out?"
"That's what Sandi asked him!"

-The party manages to escape after massacring a large number of dragonmen.
"Oh no! Now the dragonmen won't do the funerary rites for Ropework!"
"You mean the ritual that you totally made up?"
"Yes."

-"Well, that's the end of this session."
"But the Cleric still has to level!"
"You know what we say to leveling up... not today!"

Stay tuned for more!

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