In our last adventure, the PCs had managed to take out a crew of Gorilla Slavers, and kept their ship. They were planning to use it to go after the location of a treasure map.
Now:
-Quilliam, whose player left the game about two years ago, has come back to the group!
"Did we want him back?"
"He's more cool now than before!"
-"Hey, Quilliam has a magic sword!"
"Is it the good kind? The type that has special powers and intelligence? You know, the type that could take over Heidi and make him kill everyone else?"
"That is not the good kind of sword!"
-"Where's the Mexican Sky-Cleric?"
"He's not here."
"He's hiding."
"He's a good hider."
"Yeah, but not as good as he is at running away!"
"Yeah, he's a world-class fleer."
-Catboy sees Quilliam, who he never met before, in a cell in the slave-galley. He releases him and then lets him go off alone to look for his stuff.
"So you're just going to let this guy you don't know wander around the ship on his own?"
"Yeah, I don't care."
"Catboy don't give a fuck."
-"So you're trying to find your stuff?"
"Yeah. I'll search the whole ship."
"OK; you go around a corner and find a door marked 'stuff'."
"My search might be over."
-Quilliam finds a bunch of junk in the room, but there's also a half-dozen potions. Also, a beating heart in a jar of liquid.
"Wait, a beating heart?"
"Yeah."
"That sounds a bit too curse-y to me..."
-"There's also a busted tapestry of some mutants fighting against some dog-headed humanoids."
"Dog headed humanoids?"
"So, dober-men?"
-"Hi, I'm Lenny! I'm not supposed to eat you, yet."
"Oh. I found a dead bird in the 'stuff' locker, maybe Catboy would like to eat that?"
-"Catboy is Cabinboy now!"
-"Heidi is on deck, looking at the horizon, missing his sword."
-"I found some potions..."
"The newbies are coming with prizes now!"
-"Heidi just drinks a random potion."
"He's trying to kill himself now!"
-"So what were you doing, Quilliam?"
"I was a sea captain."
"So you can sail?"
"Well, I can tell other people to sail..."
-Meanwhile, Bill the Elf had vanished at the start of last adventure; turns out he'd been taken by Jal'udin, who has some strict orders for Bill.
"If Sami keeps opposing me, she will have to go."
"Yeah."
"Especially now that you have another cleric in your party, who seems stupid and malleable."
-"Jal'udin stabs Bill back onto the ship with his Dagger of Teleportation."
"I love that dagger!"
"There has to be a better way to travel."
"It's now only the second-best dagger in the world."
-"What did Jal'udin want?"
"Nothing yet, but he warned us that there's probably going to be stuff happening in Coolland. I think we have to kill the Duke of Abstinence."
"It's far too dangerous to kill the Duke of Abstinence until we kill the Lord of Blood & Fire first."
-"Why don't we just kill Jal'udin?"
"Because killing is wrong hehehehee.."
"Heidi can't even say it with a straight face anymore."
-"Wait, Catboy has the hots for Queen Zoey?"
"Noo, stop it!"
"Last time you got together with a friend of Sami's it ended badly."
"Oh, it will this time, too."
-"So the treasure is marked here, with an X, on a beach on the edge of the Badlands."
"We could just teleport to the X."
"There's not going to be a literal X on the sand!"
"Well to the location, anyways"
"But we want to keep the ship!"
"We could teleport the whole ship into the Badlands."
"Then it would be stuck."
"It would be a sea ship of the land!"
-Catboy goes to great effort to set up a conference table in the dining room, and calls a meeting. Everyone talks about anything other than what Catboy wanted to talk about.
"All in favor of now dismantling the conference room?"
"Passed."
"You assholes."
-"So aside from the potion of levitation Heidi drank, the other potions are now identified as potions of super-heroism, regular heroism, moderate bravery, cowardice, and villainy."
"I like how the levitation potion was the odd one out."
"What does a potion of villainy do?"
"It turns you into a stereotypical villain for the duration."
"Does it give you a mustache?"
"No, but if you already have a mustache you will twirl it maniacally."
-"What would happen if we gave the Potion of Cowardice to the Sky-Mexican Cleric?"
"No effect."
-Catboy is making a new flag for the ship.
"Hey, can it have an L on it, for Lenny?"
"Sure."
"Hey, it's a pirate flag, right? So let's make some bones on it, in the form of an L"
"And then add a turd, to represent the rest of the party."
-"I'm keeping watch on the Crow's Nest."
"Make a perception check."
"Natural 1."
"Great job."
-Catboy's natural 1 misses the fact that a pod of giant whales are attacking the ship.
"We're being attacked by whales! The animal, not the country!"
-"Zeke, I'm appointing you Acting Captain; so you'll have to go down with the ship."
-The party manages to scare off the whales. Then they get to the business of identifying the heart in the jar.
"It's the heart of a demon called Berthoz, and anyone who touches the heart will be possessed by berthoz, gaining various physical powers. But he turns evil."
"Define 'evil' for us."
"We should find some pathetic creature and have him get possessed by Berthoz!"
"That sounds right."
"Why are you all looking at me??"
-The next day, a large band of Fishmen warriors board the ship!
"Why are the fishmen wearing wetsuits?!"
-"Heidi punches a fishman."
"Why doesn't he use a weapon??"
"He misses his sword too much."
"Damn it."
"I'm going to nag you guys into giving me back my sword."
-"Sami just can't manage to cast Sanctuary."
"She takes a hit, flies up into the air and accidentally hits a seagull. It lands on the crow's next and almost makes Catboy fall."
-After beating the fishmen, they end up with about 15 of them captured alive, mostly due to Heidi's subdual damage, plus Bill using his Sleep rune.
"Potato feast time!"
-"Put them all in the brig!"
"Catboy is stabbing them all to death for potatoes."
"I grab one guy and keep him alive!"
-"I'm so jealous of that dagger!"
"And you're Bill the Elf!"
-"That dagger is a dagger of transmutation: it transmutes violence into potatoes!"
-"We can dine on Fishmen & Chips!"
-"Why did you want to keep the fishman alive?"
"To interrogate him?"
"No, to convert him! I got divine disapproval, and you're all converted already."
-"I should touch the heart.."
"No, Catboy!"
"You have a track record of being vulnerable to cults!"
-"I think if I touched the heart I might be able to resist the sword..."
"No, Heidi!"
-"Time to heal you guys... Catboy, how much damage did you take?"
"None."
"Then why are you in line for healing?"
"Jesus, Heidi literally has a harpoon in his his skull!"
"Fuck, how are you still up?"
"I dunno. I forgot it was there."
-They wake up the fishman.
"So if I convert, I am free to go?"
"Yes."
"Then you may convert me."
"You are converted."
"And now I may leave to return to my people?"
"Yes."
"Very well."
"Bill magic missiles him in the back as he's leaving."
"Why?!"
"We said he was free, not safe."
-"What ho, my friends?"
"Did he just call you a ho?"
-"I think its maritime jargon..."
"Yes, for prostitutes!"
-"Lenny and Zeke can stay on board."
"And the newbs."
"Hey, where are the newbs?"
"Oh shit, I locked them in the brig like three days ago!"
"You haven't fed them in three days!"
"I'll go throw them a fishman corpse."
-"Hey guys, we're looking for the treasure in the wrong place, it's one cove over."
"How do you know?"
"There's a big X in the sand there."
"...seriously?"
-"I call Zeke."
"Ahoy?"
"really.. ahoy?"
"I'm just trying to get into the spirit of things."
"OK, we're going to scuttle the bilge."
"I don't understand that..."
"Ok, we're going to shiver our timbers portside."
"..nope."
"We're moving over there!"
"Over where?"
"Where I'm pointing!"
"You're talking to me on the radio!"
"Ohh."
-"Let's dig!"
"Can you get G.O.D. to help us out?"
"You want me to invoke the Almighty to give us shovels?"
"Yes."
"And a bucket!"
"Why a bucket?"
"To make a sandcastle!"
"I think we're abusing the powers of G.O.D. here..."
-The shovels and buckets manifest!
"So you listen to me when I ask for a bucket, but not Sanctuary?"
"He's still mad at you about the whales."
"I burn 1000pp to Greenpeace!"
-"Fuck it, I'm not digging. I'm going to blow the Horn of Dutchmen."
"Isn't that weird?"
-Dutchmen show up, do the digging for everyone, and they find a chest.
"Go on, open it... we all duck for cover."
"A bunch of ghost pirates come swarming out!"
"Yarr, whoever disturbs our treasure will die!!"
"It was the Dutchmen, they did it!"
"Yarr, you will all die with them!"
"Well, nice try, it could have worked!"
-"If you hit an undead with the potato dagger, what will happen?"
"Probably nothing."
"A ghost potato?"
"No, wait.. vodka!"
"Yeah, it's a Potato Spirit!"
-"you hit the ghost with your dagger and a little bottle of vodka appears."
"YES! I love the Potato Dagger!!"
"It's the most important artifact in the campaign."
"Isn't that weird?"
-"If I cast magic missile now I'll end up in the Neutral Zone and leave you guys to die."
"No, do it! The important people of the party must live!"
"Says the Cleric with Sanctuary."
-It turns out that when Bill goes to the Neutral Zone the ghosts can still fight him.
"They exist on the astral!"
"If Bill casts magic missile at them he'll end up back in the Material."
"Yeah, but if he does that he might end up stuck back in the Neutral Zone!"
-One of the Dutchmen dies from a ghost, and turns into a Dutch Ghost.
"Bill kills the Dutchman ghost."
"That's weird!"
-After they finish slaying all the ghosts, they find the chest has 61 gems worth 50gp each.
"That was not worth all the effort."
That's it for this session. Next time the PCs plan to travel back to Coolland to try to deal with the Duke of Abstinence. Though honestly, the way things are going they could end up just about anywhere.
RPGpundit
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