DCC Campaign Update: The Halfling is Doing the Peepee Dance

In our last session, the PCs had pretty much wasted their time in Coolland. That is, until they got into the Time Cabinet (obtained after Bill the Elf murdered the dwarves who were piloting it) and accidentally ended up traveling far back in time to the era before the Great Disaster. They ended up in a Dwarven Machinehold, where they found that the Dwarves were all disturbingly happy, friendly and contented (totally unlike any Dwarf they'd ever met in the present).  They were sent to see an Ancient, and that Ancient turned out to look exactly like Roman (the alter ego of the daemon Zargon in the present era)!

Now:

-"I'm actually going to ignore the halfling's problem."
"You're an example to us all."

-"I'm actually just going to stop paying attention to anyone in the room now."
"To be fair, that's what you've been doing for most of the campaign."

-"The halfling is in a strange place full of mist. He's freezing cold yet also erect."
"I panic on the inside."

-"Suddenly you hear a voice: "hellooo?? Who is this?""
"This is Bad!"
"You're right, this is very bad!"
"No, I'm Bad!"
"They're doing some kind of Who's On First thing..."

-"Your friends are in danger! You know, the snake-headed guy, the asshole and the shady one!"
"Which one am I?"
"I'm confused that Bill isn't the asshole."
"Maybe Bill is all three!"

-"Oh shit, Bad the Halfling is talking to the King of Elfland."

-"Your friends have gone back in time, before the Great Disaster!"
"Oh."
"But there's still hope, so long as one of the dwarves is still alive!"
"Oh."

-"You have to kill the one who will betray you all!"
"Well, that could be anyone, really..."

-"I am going to use all the power I have left to send you back 10000 years.  After this, I will have to sleep for 100 years."
"Could I get a magic axe or something?"
"No, you can only take what's on you... that's how time travel works."
"No it isn't!"

-"Bill is turning Presbyterian!"
"Oh no!"
"That's going around these days.."

-Meanwhile, the rest of the PCs are busy meeting an Ancient who looks just like Roman.
"What the hell are you goddamn things? Oh wait... Bob Gobluz sent you guys from his biolab, didn't he?"

-"Zargon?"
"A hologram that looks just like Zargon did in the future appears: Yes, master?"

-"OK, I have proof we came from the future!"
"That's impossible. Time travel was disproven."
"No, I can prove it.. I have video!"
"Oh?"
"Yes, of when Sezrekhan attacked the Crown of Creation!"
"Sezrekhan? The Elementary Education AI?"

-"We have to stop the Dark Ones!"
"That's racist!"
"Alright, I'll bite: what's a Dark One?"

-"For fucks' sake Catboy, you realize you just showed the video of Zargon in the future, to Zargon?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You realize that's probably WHY he comes up with whole idea?"
"Oh."

-"What I can't believe is that Bill the Elf is being the least disruptive person in the party right now..."

-Roman refuses to believe the PCs come from the future.
"Come on! I think you guys have been mind-affected!"
"We have, but that's not relevant."

-"So you're telling me that some Ancients from the future sent you guys back here??"
"No, the Ancients are all dead."
"What? How do you even exist, then?"
"Badly!"

-"Sir, my scans of these beings does detect artron energy."
"I thought that was theoretical?"
"Yes sir, but its presence could support the theory of time travel... wait, sir, I'm picking up another big burst of artron energy manifesting in front of us!"
"Oh shit!"

-"Suddenly, the halfling appears! He's still frozen in carbonite."
"What?"
"The king of elfland sent him just as he was."

-"So this was just a practical joke!"
"No! He's a friend of ours!"
"Look, I know what that thing is... it's one of Gobluz's bio-experiments in half-sized humans!"
"No, he's a halfling!"
"Hey, that's a good name for those!"


-"So you don't know what the Dark Ones are?"
"No."
"Hey, I could summon some here if I cast control fire?"
"No, Bill!!"

-"Catboy and Bill keep telling Zargon what he's going to do in the future."
"God damn it, quit giving him ideas!"
"Queso!"
"What?"
"That means cheese in Mexican."
"I just wanted to be part of the conversation."

-"A female dwarf smiles at Catboy, mumbling at another dwarf that he's a cute one."
"You could have her.."
"Maybe that's how the catperson race was originally created? As a freakish dwarf-cat mix?"

-"Bill gets Roman high with the Primo staff."
"Noo!"

-"Zargon, if you love him, you'll let us save Roman by taking him with us."

-The Dwarves melt off the carbonite.
"The Halfling is awake, but will be blind for a time and will have priapism for the next 4-6 hours."

-"nooo... we have to save them..."
"What's wrong with him?"
"It might have been the carbonite; he might have brain damage."

-"So you will end up killing me in the future?"
"Yes, Zargon."
"But now that you have told me, I will know, and could change the future."
"But if you did, we might not end up being able to come back here and save Roman from the Dark Ones. So to save him, you have to die..."
"Hmm..."

-"My programming and my love for him both oblige me to let you take Roman with you..."

-"OK, you dwarves come with us..."
"No! We're happy in the Machineholds!"
"A giant tentacled thing has just burst in and is going to kill all of you!"
"But we'll never be happy outside our Machineholds!"
"I Lotus Stare the dwarf."
"So, you were just bitching at Zargon about free will and now..."
"Shut up, Catboy!"

-"How many Dwarves did we save?"
"The one that came willingly, the one that was coerced, and the one you lotus stared."

-"I love how you guys went back to the Disaster and essentially did nothing."
"Well, it was too late!"
"Yeah, if only someone hadn't murdered the dwarves who took the time cabinet in the first place..."

-"Can I access my tablet while time traveling?"
"It's on Roaming. Do you want to connect to BOLTO-net?"
"Yes."
"Do you accept cookies?"
"Yes."

-"So we accomplished nothing?"
"I took a selfie with Zargon!"

-"WARNING: your connection has been detected as originating from an Illegal Time Device. Countermeasures have been deployed."
"I break my tablet."

-"I hope we arrive a day before we left."
"Why?"
"Because at the dinner the night before I ordered the chicken and I really should have had the fish!"

-The Time Cabinet finally arrives, with a big crash and more sparks flying from the controls.  When the PCs open the door, they gaze upon the ruins of Coolland!
"Geez, what did we miss??"

-It turns out the PCs have actually traveled 100 years into the future!
"I cast Holy Sanctuary."
"Sami, you find that G.O.D. appears to be offline!"
"Oh shit!"

-"This is like Buck Rogers shit!"

-The PCs see two large armies marching toward one another.

-"What's your name, dwarf?"
"Blerm son of Phlerm... and you are the first human woman I've ever met"
"Hmm.. sure, why not?"
"Apparently, Dwarves are just hairy enough to arouse Sami."

-"Are you alright?"
"I understand why I exist now..."
"Sami feels dirty."

-Heidi flies over to the two opposing armies, who seem to have stopped their march and appear to be parleying rather than fighting.
"Who are you?"
"Heidi!"
"That's not possible.. Heidi's dead!"

-"Heidi is an enemy of our master!"
"You know of Heidi's importance to the God-Empress!"
"Wait... is the God-empress Sandi?!"

-"Is Harry here?"
"He's our commander!"

-"Harry is descended from Heidi and Sandi."
"Yes, they had a son, who had another son."
"That's usually how it works, yes."

-"How did you come to be here?"
"We fell asleep for 100 years... in Treeland."

-It turns out the other army, the one Harry doesn't command, is composed of servants of Zargon!
"How is Zargon still here, Harry?"
"Oh, I see.. you thought you'd killed him but he feigned his demise. Somehow it's like he knew when and how you would kill him."
"Damn it, Catboy!"
"Ok, listen carefully Harry... you need to go back in time.."

-"Who is in the Crown of Creation?"
"The Dark Ones!"
"How did they get there?"
"Bill."
"Checks out."

-The two armies, to maintain their temporary truce, agree to take Heidi (and Catboy, disguised as a bag of rocks) prisoner.

-Catboy turns back into Catboy, and they're about to shoot him.
"Wait, that's Catboy!"
"Catboy?! That's completely impossible. He died at the Battle of the Portal!"
"Huh?"

-"Sami? It's Catboy, we.."
"Wait, Sami??"
"Yeah, she's alive too."

-"Catboy looks just like his statue!"
"I have a statue?"
"Yes, in the entrance to the Hall of Martyrs."
"Awesome! Hey, wait..."

-"How did you think we died?"
"You were all killed by Sezrekhan, except for Catboy who abandoned you all to save his own life."
"Checks out."

-"How long will this take?"
"As long as it takes."
"Our masters are talking to their masters."
"We all have masters!"
"Your Master sucks."
"Your Master is a rainbow!"
"Your Master ruined everything!"
"We need to get out of here, Catboy!"

-Heidi and Catboy manage to escape back to the Time Cabinet.
"I can't take you anywhere."
"You mean anywhen!"

-"I think we've made it back to the present."
"That's the palace of Coolland!"
"Wait!"
"What?"
"Do you think we got here on time to change the dinner selection?"

-"So what the fuck are you, anyways?"
"I used to be an Elf."
"Holy shit!"

-"The halfling is still blind."
"I guess we have to probe him."
"The clerics could just heal me!!"
"Yeah, the thing is, they don't want to."
"I like that no one asked either of us, but just assumed."
"Correctly!"
"Yes."

-"Well, brother halfling, we're going to have to probe you; and this is just a routine medical procedure. But if you enjoy it you'll burn in heck!"
"I'm going there anyways..."

-"ASSUME PROBING POSITION"
"Catboy, help the halfling get into position!"
"What?"
"Get his clothes off.."
"What??"
"We have to fix your eyes, and the probe takes the long way to get there..."

-"Just like last time, the probe is actually just a scanning beam, but since the Halfling is blind no one believes him either."
"The computer creates pills that cure his blindness. And his priapism."

-Suddenly, the Time Cabinet is surrounded by Time Dinosaur Commandos!
"Hey, it's OK, you can take the Cabinet."
"Yeah, we know we don't deserve it!"

-Blerm the dwarf peeks out of the Time Cabinet.
"We have to go, Blerm."
"Yes. I have to go now!"

-"Did you change anything?"
"No....?"

-"The Time Dinosaurs are dressed in old fashioned military uniforms resembling Victorian British soldiers. One of them even has sideburns!"

-The Time Dinosaurs confiscate the Cabinet.
"Could you tell us where Sezrekhan's Phylactery is?"
"We are not allowed to interfere."
"You're interfering right now!"
"...we must go!"

-Sami seals the UFOe so no one can interrupt her while she spends a requisite hour in prayer.
"The halfling was already inside the ship! He's crawling through the vents."
"Oh damn, we have an infestation!"
"I wait until Sami is in prayer and then pee on her!"

-"I curse the halfling so that he can't pee until we find Bill's phylactery. Now, get out!"
"Can I get my pee back at least?"

-"I tweet: Blingbae is back; Time-travel adventure #BewareOfCatboy #"

-Roman gets updated.
"From what I read here, you guys really get around, huh?"
"Yeah."
"You're absolute mad lads!"

-Roman explains to the PC just who the Ancients were: that they were the hyper-evolved descendants of the original humans, and the humans from the world of the Last Sun today were created as a re-invention of the original more primitive species.
"Can I get 1XP for having listened to the expositionary monologue?"

-Sami uses Divine Aid to remove Bill's Mercurial Effect of potentially summoning Dark Ones whenever he casts Control Fire, rerolling it to cause the spell to cast at a lower die.
"It's a win-win!"

-"Roman, what the hell is the deal with the Plane of Wisconsin?"
"I don't know, some nerds made it."
"I accept that answer."

-The PCs want to get to the Crown of Creation, and their plan is to take the UFOe to the Grey Realms, upgrade the planar drive, and go to Wisconsin where Roman can use his authorization code to transport to the Crown.
"Are we ready to go?"
"Yeah."
"Where the hell are the dwarves?"
"They ran away."
"Who cares?"

-"Are we going to stop the invasion?"
"The Grey Realms aren't invading the material plane."
"What?"
"They're invading the Jade Realm."
"But..."
"You heard invasion and just assumed they were invading here."
"No, but I'm sure the computer or Troy or someone said..."
"Nope."

-"Hey, my authorization is gone! What the hell did you do to the UFOe?"
"Sorry, Sami, I'm in charge of it from here on."
"Roman's the captain now."

-"The Jesuses in the Sun are mostly dead."
"What? Jesus?"
"Sorry, sky-cleric, Mexican Jesus is dead."
"Noooo!"
"He wasn't even a real Jesus!"
"He was probably the sky-cleric's cousin."

-"Where the hell did you get that primo staff, Bill?"
"I created it."
"You are a true artist, sir."

-"I need to pee!"
"Maybe when we get to the Grey Realms we can get you a colostomy bag, halfling."
"He could throw the bag at his enemies!"

-"Why has this character become so pee-themed?!"

-"Less than 24 hours ago, Roman was living a relatively normal life in a utopia."

-"What's the plan here?"
"I see you aren't very familiar with our work."

-"Wait, Priscilla's parents are still alive?"
"Yes."
"Then why the fuck was she queen?!"
"She inherited the throne as a sweet-16 birthday present."
"So her parents are more retarded than she is?!"

-"Let's kill the Jade Game Controller!"
"You aren't even trying anymore, 'pacifist' Heidi..."
"Oh yeah.. I meant... let's go and 'talk' to him..."

-"Heidi is like a vegan who eats eggs. And fish. And bacon."

-"Here, Roman, take this cloak. You can use it to look like Roman."

-"You know, we could blackmail the fake Bill."
"Oh, right. He's here as a councilor for the Jade Controller."

-"Zeke, you stay behind."
"Really, Sami? You think I'm the one most likely to screw things up?"
"Damn it."
"You mean the Sky-Mexican, right? He'd screw things up?"
"No; if I told the screwups to stay behind, that would be all of you!"

-"We want to talk to Bill the Elf."
"About what?"
"A secret that affects the invasion plans."
"And you are?"
"I'm... Busty St.Clair."
"Do you have any ID?"
"I do!"
"Man those fake IDs came in handy..."
"Well, this checks out!"
"They were a good investment."
"I'm Anesh Gupta!"

-"I like how everyone in this party has taken on an alter ego with which to hide their identity."
"Except Heidi."
"When I want to do something shitty I just say my name's Catboy."

-"Is your halfling house-trained?"
"Oh don't worry, he's definitely not going to be peeing anywhere."

-"As long as Fake Bill takes the blame for all the shit I do, I'm fine with him pretending to be me."

-Bill rolls a natural 20 to locate Sezrekhan's Phylactery.
"It's in the Crown of Creation."
"Well crap."

-"The halfling is doing the peepee dance."

-"Bill gave Roman another hit from the Primo Staff..."
"..I was gonna modify the sky-ship, but then I got high..."

-"Why are you so mean to the Halfling?!"
"He peed on me less than 24 hours ago! I'm still... angered about that."
"Ha! Sami was about to say she was 'pissed' about it!"

-"Heidi, it's been long enough, you get a new will save against the charm effect that makes you charmed to Bill."
"Natural 1."
"Three more weeks of being my friend!"
"Man, you're going to be his thrall for the rest of your life, aren't you?"

-"nananana nananana nananana nananana Bill the Elf!"

-"In the early morning Bill is awakened by someone standing over him; a grey alien dressed up in the robes of a member of the Brotherhood of Assassins.
"My master Jal'udin has news for you."
"About Sezrekhan's Phylactery?"
"Yes."
"We know already."
"You know?"
"Yes."
"What do you know."
"Where it is."
"But do you know what it is?"
"we know it's in the Crown, that's where we're going."
"But you don't know what it is!"
"We'll find it."
"I'm here to tell you what it is. Just let me tell you damn it!"
"Oh, you know?"

-"Sezrekhan's Phylactery is the Libram of the 10 Spheres!"
"Oh snap!"

-"I was going to say you have the halfling by the balls, but really you have him by the bladder."

-Bill decides that it's time to give the Daemon-Slaying Sword back to Heidi, but when he reaches into the Briefcase of Holding to fish it out, he touches it and the Sword possesses him.
"Actually, now I really want to keep this sword!"

-Roman finishes his modifications, and they head out to Wisconsin!
"Sami is ONE XP from leveling up."
"Oh shit! That's the worst part of the danger zone!"
"You're in so much trouble."
"I think I'm just going to have kill Gary Gygax."


That's it for this session. Stay tuned next time to find out if the party gets to Wisconsin, if Sami really kills Gygax, and whether they can stop whatever terrible future is coming!


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Hawkbill + Dunhill Elizabethan Mixture