DCC Campaign Update: Where's the Rape Whistle?!

In our last adventure, the PCs were at the entrance to an underground complex that they hoped would help them find some kind of magic scroll that was said to be the key to breaking through the demon Zozzsz's impenetrable force-field of pure darkness.

Now:

-The rebel leader Bort suggests that the rebels remain up on the surface to keep watch. Lady Halcon looks around at the PCs.
"yes, that's fine. We have enough cannon fodder as it is."

-"You guys should stay close to the entrance just in case."
"Don't worry, if there's one thing the rebellion knows how to do, it's how to hide from orcs."

-Sami casts Detect Evil with a 21, which means evil creatures will register with a visible glow.
"That means half the party is glowing right now."
"Well, anyone who intends some kind of ill will toward Sami."
"So, everyone but the catboy?"

-The Vegomagus gives all his money to the cleric to try to have his strength restored.
"G.O.D. loves his bling."
"G.O.D.'s a flexer."

-"You have 1500ep, that's enough for three tries."
"OK, let's do this, I feel lucky..."
"...and, it's all gone."

-"We've never really found a wizard's spellbook in this campaign, have we?"
"Do wizards use spellbooks?"
"Yes, of course."
"So where do they keep them?!"
"Apparently in this setting a lot of wizards hide their spellbooks in their ass.."

-The Catboy doesn't want to go down the stairs first, so Lenny volunteers.
"I'm happy to help the group!"
"Well, OK, but only because we have too many NPCs."

-As they head down, the PCs debate who Roman really is.
"I think he's the Archemaster; I mean have you ever seen the two of them together in the same place?"
"Yes, dumbass, last session!"
"Oh yeah."

-The chamber below is dark.
"Did anyone bring torches?"
"Nope."
"Anyone have a flashlight?"
"I have flash grenades!"

-They go back up to get the rebellion to make them some torches. It takes over a half hour, meaning that after this the casters need to reload their spells. Then Sami gets disapproval and has to spend another hour praying.
"So are we ever going to actually get to the dungeon here?"

-"I have to go to the bathroom.  Hey, does my nuclear-powered combat armor have diapers?"

-When they finally get down into the dungeon, the party get to a room where instead of stone, the floor is just earth.
"That looks like a trap."
"We shouldn't step on it. The floor is lava, you guys?"
"The floor is having a successful adventure and not fucking up!"

-Heidi floats into the room, and nothing happens.
"I land. Anything?"
"Not yet."
"I start to hop up and down."
"OK, giant worms lunge out of the ground and grapple you"

-"Can I shoot my AK-47?"
"You're at the very back of the party; you'd have to literally take out the entire party to hit the worms."
"Well, Vegomagus, you could cast Magic Missile instead.. oh wait."

-After some combat, the worms retreat back into the dirt. The PCs quickly rush across the room, except for the Vegomagus who stops to get worm parts, and Lenny the Cannibal who helps him. Naturally, the worms emerge again and attack both of them.
"I'm going to shoot them!"
"OK Catboy... you fumbled. You shoot yourself in the foot."
"Suppressive fire!"

-The Vegomagus and Lenny the Cannibal flee the room.
"Thanks for risking your life to help me get the worm parts, Lenny. Wait... you're not going to eat them, are you?"
"What? No! That would be gross!"

-Heidi tries to impress Lady Halcon by rushing into the room with his jetpack, he fumbles and ends up spending the fight spinning in circles around the room.

-"I don't know about this policy of endangering the Vegomagus just for XP... oh, well, yeah actually that works."

-The party reaches what appears to be a cell with a badly-decomposed wizard-corpse.
"I'm betting we just found the dude who built this place."

-Heidi blows open a metal door into a room with two troglodytes. Vegomagus sleep-runes them, and they kill one while Heidi tries to interrogate the other.
"Common, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

-Lenny cuts up some chunks of troglodyte.
"I'm pretty sure I can make something with this; a nice stew maybe!"

-They run into some more troglodytes. Vizi empties a clip at them, missing completely.
"Suppressive fire!"

-Lady Halcon fumbles, getting tangled in her armor and stuck.
"Against all my survival instincts, I shake my head in disappointment at her."

-A troglodyte manages to knock the Demon-Killing Sword out of Heidi's hand.
"Am I still under its effects?"
"No."
"OK, so Heidi remembers what he did, right?"
"Yes."
"Hey Heidi, do you remember how you just curb-stomped a troglodyte to death in the throat?"
"Yeah, but I'm chalking that up as an 'accident'."

-Heidi grapples the Troglodyte chief and points his rifle at his head.
"OK, all of you, drop your weapons! ...no, not you catboy."

-"I love our teamwork!"
"Man, Lenny is such an optimistic cannibal."

-The Vegomagus tries to talk to one of the troglodytes.
"So... how's your day?"

-The Catboy shoots and misses.
"Well, at least you didn't shoot yourself this time."
"That's progress!"

-The Vegomagus is hit.
"Help! Help me! Where's the rape whistle?!"

-Lady Halcon gets mad, gets a critical and kills every last troglodyte (other than the chief) in one round.
"She killed everyone?"
"Yes."
"Even my guy?"
"Yes."
"What about mine, way over here?"
"Yes, he had his skull split open right in front of you with the body part of another troglodyte."
"And mine?"
"Yes. Yours died of a cardiac arrest from sheer terror."
"What about the ones that were asleep?"
"They drowned in all the blood."

-Heidi misses.
"Heidi was too distracted by the whirlwind of death that was coming toward him."

-"My armor is covered in blood and gore!"
"The catboy is frantically licking himself."

-After the chief is dispatched, his last bodyguards flee. By the time the PCs are done cleaning themselves up, they get into the cave with the troglodyte village, which has been frantically abandoned.
"Heidi will take careful stock of the chief's goods."
"Vizi will just start setting fire to everything."

-"Heidi, the cave is on fire thanks to Vizi!"
"We can stay until the Vegomagus passes out."
"I'm the canary?"

-They split up the Troglodytes' treasure.
"Heidi chooses to keep all the jewelry. His body armor is now covered in bling."

-The Vegomagus immediately spends his money to try to get Divine Aid from Sami, to get him to insta-learn Color Spray (having been tired of endlessly waiting to try to find and learn Magic Missile). Sami gets a natural-20, and the Vegomagus gets the spell!
"Unfortunately, your mercurial effect is that any time you cast it, it causes the entire region to fall into a magical nuclear-winter for 1d3 years."
"Winter is coming!"

-Heidi lets Captain Harry hold onto the Daemon-killing Sword for now, and thus demands his old magic-sword back from the Catboy.
"But now what will I use?"
"I have a weapon."
"A weapon from Lady Halcon? Wait, it's going to be some kind of fork or something, isn't it?"
"It's actually a fork with a cork at the end. A safety-fork, for you to train with."

-The party moves on and finds their way to a moldy wizard's library. After Lady Halcon totally destroys a living statue that was guarding it, they find that most of the books are ruined, but there are three scrolls and a book that are still legible.
"I'll take these. They might be useful!"
"Or maybe they're just his porn. The guy who made this place feels like someone who looked at a lot of porn to me."
"I'll be happy either way!"

-Sami also realizes that the alchemical equipment could have resale value.
"I love how in this world clerics are much better at appraising goods than thieves."
"It's true to life."

-"Goods are too heavy and cumbersome. Let's just take valuables."
"You're only saying that because there's no Bling here."

-They reach what appears to be a nearly-empty treasury. There's a little pile of coins in one corner. The Vegomagus rushes to grab the coins, and it turns out to be a trap. The walls come slamming in at high speeds. The Vegomagus is crushed but the rest of the party is saved thanks to Heidi getting a 20 on his strength check to hold the walls. Lady Halcon helps him, and Roman uses his Sonic Tool to reset the trap.
Incredibly, the Vegomagus (Luck 8) makes his 5th straight Luck check to survive!

-"It was a trap!"
"I see all that time in Find-Traps School really paid off, Catboy."

-While the party is figuring out the room, the Vegomagus looks through the book and finds that it's the magical diary of a wizard named "Banang". He reads it:
"...since the beginning of time every wizard has had but one dream: to cast magic missile at the darkness! Now, I have succeeded.... oh FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

-"So the scroll we're looking for is a type of Advanced Magic Missile?"
"Yup."
"And the Vegomagus had an open spell slot?"
"Yup."
"And he'd been keeping it open all this time to get magic missile?"
"Yup."
"And literally 10 minutes ago he used up the slot to take Color Spray instead?"
"Yup."

-"As the GM, and knowing already what you all were looking for in here, when the Vegomagus said 'I learn color spray', I was trying sooo hard not to laugh my ass off."

-With some hints from Banang's diary, the PCs find the hiding spot, and the scroll of Advanced Magic Missile. A spell capable of casting a Magic Missile at the Darkness itself (like Zozzsz's Field of Darkness).
"So now what? We're going to have to wait for the Vegomagus to level to learn it?"
"Or go to another wizard."
"Or you could just read it off the scroll, and then it would be lost forever."
"That would serve the Vegomagus right."

-The PCs triumphantly make their way back up to the surface, only to find some hideously-dead rebels scattered around the entrance.
"What the...?"

-Looking up, they see a phantasmal Wraith Prince floating down toward them with a sword made of Darkness!
"You guys, it's a Wraith Prince! And I don't think it's a woman!"


On that cliffhanger, and still laughing at the Vegomagus' terrible disappointment, we leave you until next time! Stay tuned to see if the PCs will survive the Wraith Prince, and get to find a way to use Advanced Magic Missile to destroy the Field of Darkness. Also, they still need the Derpy Horse of Destiny!
So stay tuned.

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