As of our last episode, after having gotten themselves lost, the PCs finally got found by Roman, only to find they'd missed about 7 weeks of side-quests, and now there's a whole army of Goldhalcon troops, Halconlords, some Azure Wizards, and random mercenaries all ready to invade the lands of Zozzsz so the PCs can get the Derpy Horse of Destiny into the pit of the Nether Regions to seal it and banish Zozzsz forever.
Now:
-"You all got teleported to the army camp by Cyberpunk Roman."
"He's just normal Roman with a haircut and new glasses!"
"That's all it takes!"
-"Where's the War Council, Roman?"
"There is no war council."
"Then who's in charge?"
"I am! Now, let's go to the Command Tent."
"That's what I said!!"
"No, you said War Council."
-"OK, Vegomagus you come with me. The rest of you stay here."
"What the fuck, Sami?!"
"Have I been demoted?"
"Is that the real Sami?"
"Vegomagus is the other smart one."
"What?!"
"Did the Vegomagus learn Charm Person and use it on Sami?"
"He hasn't learned a damn thing."
-Sami and Vegomagus go to the Command tent. Aside from them and Roman, there's also Captain Harry, Republican Jesus, Lady Halcon, and Bort. Plus Pertinax (who's still insane), an Azure Order mage named Corellie, and the commander of the Goldhalcon army.
"I'm the commander of the Goldhalcon forces. My name is Captain Fred Batman."
-"Seriously?"
"Um.. yes?"
"Are you a knight?"
"Yes."
"Would you say you're a... dark knight?"
"Not really. I'm a gold mutant."
-The other PCs outside learn that Lenny also wasn't invited to the Command Tent.
"We can make our own war council!"
"Boy did I miss you guys. Bort got really lame after a while."
"Lame? Wait... did you eat Bort's legs?!"
"What? No!"
-"So, could we maybe get nukes? Er... non-lethal nukes?"
"I love how Heidi keeps trying to make slight pathetic efforts to still convince himself he's a pacifist."
-"Welcome to the Command Tent"
"Fuck you, Roman."
-"So, Captain Fred Batman, you're in charge of leading the combined army of allied forces."
"Correct."
"Would you say that these are a kind of... League?"
"Well, yes."
"So, Batman has put together a League?"
"Um... sure."
-"Pertinax has the Advanced Magic Missile Spell, but maybe Vegomagus should learn it somehow, as a backup. I mean, otherwise if something goes wrong with Pertinax, and it looks like a lot could, our whole plan would be ruined."
"Hmm. Yeah. That's a good point. And I guess he MIGHT just have time to memorize it in the time it will take us to get to the heart of Zozzsz's realm, if he goes along in some kind of transport and spends all his time in study."
"So like, a Mobile Masturbation Hut?"
-Korean Jesus beams down some extra ammo for the PCs, which Republican Jesus blesses.
-Sami tries to use Divine Aid to speed up the Vegomagus' learning of Advanced Magic Missile.
"Almighty G.O.D., grant this Nerd the power to comprehend his spell faster!"
-But Sami rolls a 1, and once more her tablet shows her the choice to Update her User Agreement to "All is Sezrekhan". Once again, she taps "maybe later".
-Heidi goes off looking for Captain Harry, his grandson from the future. He finds him in a tent with one of the Azure Wizards.
"Sorry Grandpa.. I like traps."
-"Sami, I was thinking about your situation with the Vegomagus."
"Yes, Captain Batman?"
"Well, I could let you take my carriage with you, I won't be needing it."
"So, like, the Bat-carriage?"
"I don't get it."
-Catboy goes to hang out with the Halconlords, out of boredom, and within a few hours, he wants to join up with them.
"So you seriously want to join their cult?"
"Yeah. They had such camraderie."
"So they're like 'na na na na na na na na Ribond' and you're all like 'na na na na na na na na Batman- I mean Ribond'!"
-Catboy is taken to Lady Halcon by some of his new Halconlord friends.
"Lady Halcon, Catboy here wishes to see the Ribond. He is a skilled assassin."
"I've seen no proof of that."
"Well, if you did see proof then I wouldn't be a very skilled assassin, would I?"
-Sami and Batman come looking for Republican Jesus, who is late to go lead the mercenaries in a distraction maneuver on the border of the demon realm (since as a Celestial, he can't enter it).
"You find him in Roman's tent, with Vizi. All three are stoned like crazy."
"Sami, can you cure him? Cure Poison?"
"No, it's Heal the Lame."
"Because drugs are lame, kids?"
-"So Captain Batman, does your army have some kind of warrior-scouts?"
"Yes."
"So like... martial manhunters?"
"Well, yes, but now you're really stretching it."
-Lady Halcon agrees to let Catboy see the Ribond, but Sami forbids it.
-"Vegomagus is using Captain Batman's carriage, so it's the Masturbation Batmobile!"
-That night, Lady Halcon takes the Catboy away in secret and shows him the Ribond, a mass of swirling colours in a mirror. He has now become one with the Ribond, and puts on the Halconmask.
-Sami is pissed at Catboy's conversion, but Lady Halcon defends her choice.
"He'll be more useful now."
"How?! Two times zero is still zero!"
-"Lady Halcon pissed me off, so after all this is over I'm going to sever her link to the Ribond."
"And catboy?"
"Nah."
-The "batman signal" is set off by advanced scouts, but it turns out to be friendlies, the half-starved rag-tag group of mutants who call themselves The Rebellion.
"The whole Rebellion has answered your call, General Bort."
"How many are there?"
"Ten guys."
-"The Ribond has fixed me."
"The Ribond fixed the catboy?"
"Yes, and it can fix you too, Vizi."
"No thanks, I like my balls."
-"The Ribond has chosen me!"
"That doesn't speak well of the Ribond."
"Yeah, seems like the Ribond has low standards."
-Sami is keeping watch that night when she hears noises.
"I cast Sanctuary on myself."
"Do you wake us up?"
"What part of 'I cast Sanctuary on myself' did you not understand?"
-"I have to put my armor on."
"Goddamit, Heidi."
"OK, here's 500gp. Use Divine Aid to get my armor on, then."
-"There's these horrible zombies, guys! They eat human flesh! We have to stop them!"
"I love Lenny's hypocrisy."
-"So is Catboy now Halconcat?"
"Or Halconboy."
"Catlord?"
"No... Boylord!"
"Yeah. We're definitely going with Boylord. It's the most humiliating new name."
-Heidi gets the divine aid to put his armor on and flies at the Zombies who are mainly assaulting Bort's incompentent Rebels.
"Yay!"
"Go Iron Man!"
-"Does Captain Fred Batman's army have a cleric?"
"Yes. Cleric Gordon."
-The party splits off from the main army; Captain Batman leads that army to distract Zozzsz's Orcish forces while the PCs take the Derpy Horse and the casters toward the barrier of Darkness.
"So what's the Derpy Horse like?"
"His bottom half is human, and he can barely even stand."
-"The Rebellion sucks."
"They're not the Rebellion we need, they're the Rebellion we deserve."
-"Follow my lead, Catboy, and be cautious."
"Don't worry Lady Halcon, 'cautious' is my middle name. Cautious Catboy."
"You have too many names."
"He's also an asshole."
"That's his third name!"
-"The Rebellion is badly malnourished."
"Did you guys see the Goldhalcon army's gruel? Man, that's some quality gruel!"
-The PCs are travelling with the Bat-cart, where Vegomagus is learning Advanced Magic Missile; and another cart with a cage on it, containing the Derpy Horse of Destiny. And tied to that cart is Pertinax, on a leash so he doesn't wander off.
"Man, Bill the Elf just WRECKED Pertinax."
-The Vegomagus completes his studies, and manages to learn Advanced Magic Missile. But his mercurial effect is that every time he casts it, there's a cumulative 1% chance that he opens a rift into the Outer Void which would likely cause some terrible Void creature to come out of it.
"well, I'm sure that won't be a problem."
-That night, in the watch, Vizi is trying to go out of his way not to talk about his feelings with Sami.
"What the hell? Every single member of this party is becoming more pathetic!"
"No, I'm fine! I'm a mean blue killing machine!"
-Roman and Lady Halcon are commiserating together. Roman tells Lady Halcon to kill the Vegomagus if he tries to foolishly cast Advanced Magic Missile. Catboy is listening in on their conversation when he's suddenly attacked by a giant bloodworm (a common predator in these lands). Lady Halcon slaughters it by throwing her wine cup at it.
"You were eavesdropping on us."
"Well, yeah.
"You are not to discuss this with anyone. That's an order."
"Yes, I obey."
-"That's fucking it. I'm changing catboy back. Is Lady Halcon around?"
"She's close by."
"Is she watching?"
"She is, she's watching you, and she's toying with her cup."
"...I back away."
-"Psst, Sami... can you change a mercurial effect?"
"Maybe. Why?"
"I think someone's going to kill me."
-"Hey Lady Halcon, why aren't you as annoying about being a Halconlord as Catboy is?"
"He's just enthusiastic. He's only just discovered the Ribond."
"Were you like that?"
"Yes. The Ribond changed my life. It gave me purpose."
"Hey! I remember when we used to have a purpose! We shot it out of a cannon after stuffing it with C4!"
"Vizi, that was a Porpoise."
"oh yeah."
-They run into a band of 100 of Zozzsz's orcs. The party deccides to make a distraction to allow the main group to pass.
"OK, short stick has to take the Vegomagus?"
"Fine."
"Good. Here's the short stick."
"What?"
"Sorry."
-"Here's a retractable hoverbike."
"Cool! How does it work?"
"It hovers."
"Yeah but I mean how high and stuff?"
"You'll learn that the hard way."
-"Everyone ready?"
"One sec, Vizi has to get his gun."
"One sec, Heidi has to put on his tiara."
-"I use Divine Aid to summon up a+9 phantasmal army!"
"You didn't roll very well. You get 1 phantom soldier, no sound."
-Vegomagus blows the horn of Elfland and summons a fae army!
"Faeries, attack!"
"No, dumbass, we're trying to get them to chase us over here!"
"Then, Faeries, retreat!"
-"Oh no, there are so many of you orcs, I sure hope you don't charge forward to get our loot!"
-The group pulling along the cart with the Derpy Horse spots a Wraith Prince flying by. They contact the group making the distraction.
"There's a Wraith Prince coming your way!"
"Prince or Princess?"
"Does it have a dick?"
"It doesn't matter you assholes!"
-"We flee!"
"So you abandon the retractable hoverbike?"
"No, we retract it."
"OK, sure, that only takes 1 round, it might be the difference between life and death, but whatever."
-"The sacrifice of my men will be remembered."
"Will it Bort?"
"Yes. I'll build a statue to them when this land is liberated and I make myself its king."
-"I want my sword now, Harry."
"Roman?"
"Uh, well, I agree with Sami and she said no. Sorry Heidi, Sami is an asshole."
-"If you have the sword you become unhinged, Heidi."
"Yeah, he stops being a pacifist."
"Wait, is Heidi still a pacifist?"
"OK, when he has the sword he stops pretending to be a pacifist!"
-"What if I just hold onto the sword but don't draw it?"
"Your reputation precedes you, grandpa."
-The PCs arrive within eyeshot of the great Wall of Darkness, about a mile distant.
"Ok, here's the plan: one of the jetpack people-"
"NOT IT!"
"Wait, we should do straws again!"
"No, fuck you Heidi, it's your turn!"
-"Um.. Pertinax, can you cast fly?"
"I fly through space and time!"
"yeah but.."
"I exist in terrible eternity now. I have known the Advanced Magic Missile!"
"Holy shit he's broken."
-"Pertinax will cast magic missile first, then Vegomagus if he fails."
"I know there's a tiny tiny risk, but maybe they should both cast at the same time? A round might make all the difference."
"Yeah, OK. Fuck it, why not? It's only a 1% chance."
"Famous last words."
-"So when Heidi drops the Derpy Horse into the pit to the Nether Regions, all the bad guys will go away, & Heidi will be safe?"
"um... yeah... sure.."
"Oh good!"
-"To be sure to hit at this range, you'll need to spellburn 21 points."
"Damn it, I only just recovered from my Patron Bond spellburn!"
"Tough. Easy come, easy go."
-"I can't miss. Except on a 1."
"Famous last words."
-"Pertinax's magic missile doesn't roll high enough, it's out of range for him. It's all up to Vegomagus!"
"Oh god!"
-"I got a 39! I did it!"
"Don't forget to roll for the chance of opening a gate to the Void Beyond."
"OH SHIT I ROLLED 1%!"
-"Well, the bad news is that a Void Gate opens in front of you and this horrific tentacled being from the Void slides through it. The good news is that your chance of a void gate when casting Advanced Magic Missile is now back down to 1%."
-"Heidi, I assume you're still trying to fly over the Pit to the Nether Regions."
"Hell yes. I throw the Derpy Horse in!"
"The Derpy Horse is freaked out and trying to cling to you. Who would have thought it wouldn't want to be thrown?"
-"Do I see Eagle flying in to save us?"
"No. Even if Zozzsz is a cheap knock-off of Sauron, your cheap-knock off of Gandalf is Roman, and he's a piece of shit."
-After some strength checks, Heidi manages to throw the Derpy Horse off him and it plunges down in to the pit.
"It's shouting 'Rhy? Ri Rove Ru!!' in a scooby-do voice as it falls."
-Sami avoids being paralyzed with cosmic terror, and grabs Vegomagus and starts flying out of there with her jetpack.
-Roman says 'fuck it' and uses what appears to be high-level magic to teleport everyone else (except Heidi, Sami and the Vegomagus, which are not in his range) some 50 miles away.
-"Heidi, now that you've thrown the Derpy Horse, you see that the Wraith Princes are being sucked into the Nether Region Pit as it collapses, as is the dark tower of Zozzsz. Are you flying back toward the Void Horror?"
"No. I'm flying in exactly the opposite direction."
-"Vegomagus, the Void Horror is speaking into your mind, telling you that it will give you great power and transform you into an agent of the dark ones if you freely offer it all the rest of the party member's souls."
"After thinking about it for a second, I say no thank you."
-"We are totally fucked!!"
"I have only one option. I'm invoking the King of Elfland!"
-"The King of Elfland teleports the Vegomagus back in time!"
"Yes! Maybe I can stop this!"
"Unfortunately, it only sends him back 5 rounds into the past, which means the Void Gate is already open; and you're now standing right next to it."
"Goddamn it!"
-"Wait, so there's two Vegomaguses here now?"
"Yes."
"So is this like a Timecop situation?"
"More like Looper."
-"OK, I use all the spellburn I have left to burn, and cast magic missile again, to try to destroy the gate."
"Well, yeah, since it's Advanced Magic Missile you can cast it at the gate."
"If you roll 1% again I'm going to fucking kill you."
-"I made the roll!"
"Yeah, but just barely. You do 3 points of damage, which does nothing."
"Well, we're totally fucked now."
-"Just like before, you hear the Void Horror speaking into your mind, both of your minds. The you from the past responds to the Void Horror's offer the same way as before, saying no thank you. What do you say?"
"I tell the Void Horror that instead I offer my own self, and my soul at the end of my existence."
"It accepts."
-"What did you do?!"
"Actually, right after you accept, it's been 5 rounds since you were sent back into the past. So suddenly the you that went back into the past ceases to exist. The Void Horror screams that it has been tricked, and it vanishes as well."
-"Wait.. so I stopped it?"
"Through no actual fault of your own, yes."
-After incredibly having managed to close the Nether Region Pit, and defeat Zozzsz, and stop the Void Horror, Sami eventually manages to contact the Sun (now that Zozzsz's power no longer blocks communication), and Korean Jesus eventually teleports them up.
"About time!"
"Korean Jesus very busy!"
-"We actually did it! We solved everything and now we get to go to the Crown of Creation!"
"Well, yes but remember that first, you have to go on a quest for the King of Elfland to repay him for sending you back 5 rounds into the past. Your quest is to find him a pair of Comfy Slippers!"
And with that astounding climax to the long-term mission so far, but with at least one Side-Quest left to go before the PCs can finally go to stop Sezrekhan, we say goodbye. Stay tuned next time for the Epic Quest for the Comfy Slippers!
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Neerup Acorn + Image Virginia
No comments:
Post a Comment