DCC Campaign Update: This Campaign has Ruined the Word 'Shaft' for me

As of last session, the PCs were scattered around Fuck Station Aleph. The Sky-Mexican Cleric was arrested for suspicion of being a sky-nazi agent (as apparently all the 'sky-mexicans' in FSA were), the catboy almost died in a fight with The Man, and he and Heidi were now down deep in the lower level bowels of the sky-station. Bill, meanwhile, had surrendered himself into police custody, while Sami and the newbs were heading back to the magic quarter to try to find Sami some more 'angel fluids'.

Now:

-Sami is in a very bad mood, in the Curiosity Shoppe
"Do you have any Angel Fluids?"
"I do not!"
"Well, fuck this whole session, then!"

-"Do you have our dignity?"
"I do not!"
"He can't have what doesn't exist."

-"I'd trade my +1 sword for dignity!"
"That's my sword!"
"So you'd be trading your life, too."
"At least he'd die with dignity!"

-Catboy is having an online argument with The Man.
"He's like the Last Sun version of the RPGPundit!"
"No, that can't be right!"
"I'm so sorry, Pundit."
"We demand that this appear on the play report!"

-"Catboy types: Your spy told me where you were."
"The Man:....Bill?"
"What?? So it was Bill! That son of a bitch!"

-"We should go back up..."
"Yeah, we should totally go back up to the site of the huge battle and try to explain everything to the cops."
"Hmm, maybe not."

-"I could wear a disguise!"
"I tear off a couple of my hairs and stick them on Heidi's upper lip. There, now you're a French!"

-While Catboy and Heidi are busy playing dress-up, a slime-monster sneaks up on them and attacks!

-"So where's everyone?"
"Catboy and Heidi are missing, Bill's in jail, and Sami fucked off."
"You realize this means Zeke is our leader now, right?"

-Meanwhile, the Sky-Mexican is being interrogated by a hardened ex-sky-police FSA Security Inspector.
"Alright you sky-nazi piece of shit, tell me what you had to do with the attack on the level 2 promenade!"
"I don't know!"
"And what Bill had to do with it!"
"I don't know! They don't tell me anything!"
"Who doesn't?"
"All of them!"
"That checks out."

-"Look, you're not giving me any information that could help me to save your life."
"That's pretty much my motto!"

-While being interrogated, the Sky-Mexican is hailed by Heidi and Catboy. The inspector makes him answer it.
"I told you why we we're here..."
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did, even if you're a sky-nazi we trust you!"
"Noo!"

-"So we're going to break into the security compound and free you guys, and then blow this joint!"

-"Hey Sami, are you there?"
"You only hear strange squishing noises on the other side."
"Oh damn, she's having blob-sex!"

-Meanwhile, Heidi and Catboy made their way back up to the inhabited levels of FSA, coming out of the service shaft in a Techno-Walrus ethnic enclave. They quickly discover that the Techno-Walrus (or "Lolri") labs are able to heal most of their injuries at relatively low cost. They also find out about cybernetic implants.
"Do you have any cyber-luck implants?"

-"Can you give me cybernetics that would increase my strength?"
"Well, we could give you cyber-arms. That would increase your strength."
"But you'd have to remove my current arms to do it, right?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't think I'm interested."
"How much bonus would it grant?"
"We have a +2 model and a +4 model."
"Slice my arms off right at the shoulders!"

-"Lets use a different turbolift because the security guards will be watching the old one."
"The Techno-Walruses look at you oddly when you say that."
"Oh.. I mean... we're playing an awesome game of hide and seek with our friends?"
"Is that why you arrived here horribly injured, and he arrived here with a bullet in his skull?"
"Yes?"
"It's a really serious game!"

-The PCs were meeting up in front of the meditech emporium, getting ready to raid the security office, but their entire conversation with the Sky-Mexican was being overheard by the Security forces.
"Hey, do those guys just hanging around and pretending to read the paper, or holding an empty baby stroller seem odd to you?"
"Oh crap."
"FREEZE! You're surrounded!"
"It was a sting operation!"

-"hey that's not my halfling-smokeweed!"
"It's legal here, Roman."
"Oh, in that case it's definitely my  halfling smokeweed and I'll want it back!"

-"I'm not giving up my sword. Don't make me kill you."
"Drop the sword!"
"Wait, guys! He's the one who killed Sezrekhan!"
"Really?"
"Yes! With that sword."
"Oh.. well, I guess.. I mean, you did save the entire universe. I guess you can keep the sword."

-Everyone but Heidi is put in a paddywagon, while Heidi is escorted by the security inspector in the front seat.

-"You seem like a straight shooter, Heidi. How  many of these guys in your group are sky-nazis?"
"As far as I know, just the Sky-Mexican."
"Son of a bitch!"

-"If you know the Sky-Mexican is a Sky-Nazi, why do you keep him with you?"
"Fun, mostly."

-"I'll be frank with you; since you killed Sezrekhan and saved the world, the directorate will treat you leniently. But you'll probably be banned from FSA for life."
"But I need those arms!"
"Well, there's still lots of Techno-Walruses on Lol."
"But we're banned for life from there too!"

-"We've already interrogated the Sky-Mexican, and he's either an absolute master of disguise or a complete idiot."

-"We're going to kill The Man Who Will Kill the Catboy and Then The Sky-Fuhrer and Then Heidi."

-Catboy tries to liberate Heidi from the charm effect by telling Heidi that Bill is Patron-Bonded to Sezrekhan.
"OK, that activates an immediate Will save for Heidi."
"One of the things controlling Heidi's mind is in conflict with the other thing controlling Heidi's mind!"
"He fails."
"Heidi still thinks that Bill is good."

-"So the FSA Directorate is kicking all of you off the station, except Bill who we're keeping for crimes against sentientkind. You'll all be deported on the next shuttle to Lol."

-The party heads onto a shuttle piloted by some Kekistanis. But rather than go to Lol, Roman bribes them to lead them to the surface.
"The surface? But won't there still be a hurricane around our ship?"
"We're not going there."
"Where are we going?"
"Well, I happen to know the location of a number of Ancient Complexes, that no one has ever entered."
"So, loot?"
"Yeah."

-The Ancient Complex is built around two vertical shafts.
"You guys start to fly all the way down the shaft."
"This campaign has ruined the word 'shaft' for me."

-The team enters a dark chamber in the complex with some crystal formations on the wall.
"Are the crystals alive? Could they be dangerous?"
"No, they just look like crystals to you..."
"Hey, it's safer to assume that everything here is dangerous."
"So this place is like Australia?"

-"So wait, there's really a place called Australia?"
"Yes. Even before the Disaster it was a devastated wasteland populated by savages."

-They move on to a room with a huge shark corpse.
"How did it even get in here?"
"I have no idea. It can't even fit through the door!"
"Was it a Land Shark?"
"No, it looks like a Land Shark of the Sea."
"So, a shark?"
"Yes."

-The party is surprise attacked by a Tentacle Creature!
"Is that Zoidberg?"
"Is Sami with him?"

-"The Trans-mutant warrior goes first."
"He identifies as a warrior!"

-"The trans-warrior makes a good hit!"
"Wow, I'm useful!"
"Now it's Heidi's turn!"
"My mighty deed will be to push the trans-mutant out of the way and steal his thunder!"

-"Wait, is the Sky-Mexican Cleric really attacking instead of running?"
"Yes. Prison has hardened him."

-The party moves through a door marked with blood, and activate a sound system modified as an alarm. While it blares Cha-cha music, it alerts a horde of degenerate mutants.

-"Catboy ends up throwing a dagger at himself, with a fumble while two-weapon fighting."
"That's what happens when you try to do two things at once! You fail both."
"We call that 'Catboy Style'!"

-The trans-warrior decapitates a degenerate mutant!
"Wow, how the hell am I being so competent?"
"Did prison change you?"
"Is this failure?"

-"This round, the degenerate mutants accomplished nothing, which is usually what you guys do!"
"It's all backward!"
"I think it's because Sami is not here."
"Yeah, Sami has been holding us back!"
"That bitch!"

-Catboy fumbles, trips and falls.
"Well, he's back to normal."
"Oh well, it was good while it lasted."

-"If only the wizard could summon a shark right now!"
"Oh damn, I forgot to get some shark parts!"

-"Roman's sonic tool blows up a mutant's head, all scanners-style."

-"The Cleric is grappling with a mutant."
"Heidi will fly right at him and stab the mutant right through the head."
"Wait! Could he end up accidentally hitting me?"
"yes."
"Do not resist, you are being rescued!"

-"Let's clear this shaft first..."
"That's what she said!"

-In the next chamber, the PCs suddenly encounter a pair of deadly Brain Eaters!
"Everyone roll initiative!"
"Of course, we've been rolling 20s all day, and the second we run into Brain Eaters we suddenly all roll low."
"Remember when I asked why we were doing so well? This is why."

-"I think the Brain Eaters were telepathically getting us to roll well until now in order to give us a false sense of security."

-"Heidi is our last chance!"
"I got an 8."
"You have another attack!"
"Oh yeah. I got an 11."
"Well, we're all dead."

-"Did any of you remember to print out new character sheets?"

-"Somehow, the wizard manages to drop one of the Brain Eaters with a Sleep spell!"
"Holy shit!!"

-"The remaining Brain Eater will kill you!"
"He'll kill you all except maybe the Catboy, because even Brain Eaters don't want to be thought of as helping the Sky-Nazis."

-A combo attack by the trans-warrior and the Catboy kills the remaining Brain Eater!

-"Let's get the fuck out of here. There's nothing left here for me."
"So you didn't pick this place at random, Roman?"
"Well, no. I was looking for some sign of someone left here."
"Roman had a girlfriend!"

-The party decides to get back to the Kekistani ship, to heal and to level up the Sky-Cleric.
"You now gain the Bless spell... which you can't cast until you reboot G.O.D."
"Oh great."


That's it for today. Stay tuned next time, when hopefully Sami and Bill will be back, and maybe the party will actually get on track instead of fucking around Ancient Complexes.


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