In our last session, the PCs had escaped the viking pocket dimension, taking Priscilla with them, and eventually made it back to their UFO in the desert near the Blue Elves' island. Unfortunately, the massive storm that the Feather Fall Wizard had cast is still raging and the UFO is partly buried in the sands.
Now:
-"The Feather Fall Wizard and the Trans Warrior aren't coming today."
"Well, that's it, they're never going to come again!"
-"The Feather Fall Wizard and his Sexy Rat familiar go into the utility closet, demanding not to be disturbed because he and his rat 'must bond'."
"Ew."
-"I forgot that Heidi had a necrotic injury."
"Good thing Catboy was there to remind the GM, huh?"
-"I hope finding a cure doesn't involve probing."
"Oh, I'm sure it'll involve probing."
-"The Grey Aliens are so advanced that they have no need of physical probing."
"They've reached the limits of what anal probing could teach them!"
-"Can the medilab restore my missing nipple?"
"No, you'll never be whole again."
-Priscilla was charmed by Bill.
"Bill, you're so dreamy!"
"I know."
"To think all these years you were longing for me and I was just ignoring you!"
-"Also, you're so handsome! You're a hotty!"
"Yeah, I've got a lot of big loving."
"You're so manly!"
"I have an alpha belly."
"You're festively plump!"
-"This is my moment to mention, I killed Troy..."
-"That son of a bitch Catboy killed Troy! Kill him, Bill!"
"What? No way."
"But see, I like you, like a lot... and so you have to do shit for me.."
"What?"
"Yeah, I'm totally in love with you Bill so you have to do things for me."
"No, you have to do things for me!"
"No, see, I love you so you have to do what I say and kill the Catboy!"
-"He killed Troy!"
"But you like me, don't you?"
"Sure, and if you had killed Troy that would be totally epic drama! But instead the Catboy killed him and ruined everything!"
-"Priscilla is so fucked up that even being Charmed by Bill doesn't help!"
-"Hey Priscilla, look at this... I show her the Sleep Rune."
-"Bill is going to try to polymorph himself into a hot Blue Elf girl."
"OK"
"But I want it to be permanent."
"You'd need to roll really high."
"OK, so I'm going for a natural 20 or natural 1."
"Why don't you spellburn?"
"Never!"
-"Every time bill casts polymorph it destroys an entire microscopic civilization."
"He just tried casting it six times in a row. That's six genocides in under a minute!"
-Bill gets a natural 1 and gets polymorphed into a rat.
"shit, how long is that for?"
"Well... permanently, unless changed back by magic."
"oh shit."
-"Catboy, let's go talk in the other room."
"Are you going to talk about helping bill?"
"Um, sure, Sky-Cleric."
"Can I come?"
"No, you have a very important job: hold on to Bill the Rat. Don't let him get lost, OK?"
"OK! I have an important job!"
"Charmed imbecile..."
"Be careful, it's a really important job. Don't let go of him no matter how much he bites you."
"I won't!"
-"OK, now that we've kept them busy: should we kill Bill?"
-"I'll fly the ship out."
"It's a Grey Realms ship, that doesn't do well in an atmosphere or around electrical conditions, and we're in the lower atmosphere in the middle of a massive thunderstorm. Do you really think you can do this without killing us all?"
"I've got Luck."
"So you're just going frantically tap random buttons?"
"like a cat hitting a keyboard!"
-"We're going to go up to the Sun, to try to help Bill, and to try to communicate from there with the Blue Elves."
"Yeah, and the Cleric can suck Jesus' cock for power!"
"Noo!"
"But it might help Bill, you could use divine aid to restore him, don't you want that?"
"Nein, I will not taste the holy sausage!"
-"WARNING: TAKEOFF IN THESE CONDITIONS FEATURES HIGH CHANCE OF CATASTROPHIC SHIP FAILURE"
"Never tell me the odds!"
-"So far, our near-destruction by the storm has been the most epic event of this entire quest. I am not pleased by this."
"Sorry, Minocles."
-"Hey, is Bill an obese rat?"
"yes."
-Surviving the storm, the team take the ship into to transplanar drive, and get to Wisconsin, where they meet Gary again to take them to the Sun.
"Hey, I'm.. *rolls* glad to see you again!"
"I wonder if he's ever not glad?"
-"You know what's funny, Bill? With a natural 20 you still wouldn't have been permanently transformed. Your bonuses aren't high enough."
"Oh well, I guess I don't know my own magic."
"You're a 9th level wizard!"
"No, I'm a 9th level Bill."
-They get to the Sun and Roman & Catboy go to Korean Jesus to try to get him to help them with Bill the Rat.
"Bill is working with Sezrekhan."
"Yeah, I know Bill is a bad man. You always used to justify it before."
-Meanwhile, Vizi and RJ are in the hydroponics lab.
"My friends, I have to admit I don't care much for Republican Jesus... he has a stupid accent."
"Seriously, Zeke?!"
-"You here about Anema, Catboy? Because she's over you, dude."
"No, this is nothing about Anema... wait, she is?"
"Yeah man. New boyfriend."
"New boyfriend??"
-"Never mind. RJ, this is actually about you. We need you to give something to the Sky-Cleric."
"Stop trying to get me to drink RJ's fluids!"
"That's probably going to be the title for this session."
-"Hey, where's Sami?"
"She left."
"She left?"
"Yeah. New boyfriend."
"New boyfriend?"
"Ah, so the tables have turned."
-"We want you to make a... donation.. for the Cleric."
"Hey man, I don't go that way. I mean, I got no problem with Twinks for Trump, but its just not my thing, man."
-"I need you to uncharm everyone but Heidi."
"Hehe, you said 'Butt Heidi'."
-"Zeke I hereby uncharm you in the name of the Lord... shababala abupeta sabalabalaba JEEZUS!"
"What's he doing?"
"Speaking in tongues."
"Are you OK now, Zeke?"
"I feel fine, my friend. I felt fine before."
"How do you feel about Bill?"
"Bill is my closest friend and brother in the Lord."
"Damn it, I can't tell if he's still charmed or just being Zeke."
-The party gets to pick up supplies from RJ's armory vault.
"Minocles takes 2 Automatic Rifles, and a bandoleer of grenades, and a wicked-looking serrated knife."
-Catboy can't resist, and goes to see Anema.
"Who's the guy, Anema?? Who are you with now? I just want to know. I don't want to kill him or anything... maybe just shoot him."
-Anema finally opens the door.
"Fine, he's a cleric if you have to know."
"A cleric? That's not your type! He's just using you for your celestial power because clerics can't cast spells anymore."
"No! He's a real bad boy cleric. He hates G.O.D. and everything, his name is Zabaz!"
"Oh god, it's that guy! The pissed off cleric from Coolland!"
-"But can we just stay friends?"
"You're not going to. I know you!"
"No, really I totally could. I bet you I wouldn't have sex with you right now if you tried!"
"Yes you would look.. wait, no!"
"Damn, so close."
-"We'll take the Sunstaff."
"Why? You don't even have a wizard now, and the Sunstaff is vital! It's much too important to risk being with you guys!"
-Roman finally manages to communicate with the Blue Elves, and is put on the line with Krishnan, ruler of the Blue Elves.
"Can you prove to me that you really are an Ancient?"
"Well, for starters, we're in the Sun!"
"A Jesus could vouch for me."
"Very well..."
"This is Republican Jesus speaking, and I can confirm that this Roman is really an Ancient and not just.."
"Stop right there, Cowboy!"
-"I will teleport to the Sun, to see with my own eyes. And I warn you that if I see corruption I will slay all before me!"
"Well, um, you'll definitely see corruption but we're not the bad kind of corrupt!"
-"He sounds like a warrior. I wonder if he could truly defeat Minocles."
"Well, 60 normal blue elves were able to defeat me."
-Krishnan teleports to the sun. He looks like a gloriously handsome blue elf warrior.
"So, which of you is the Ancient?"
"Me."
"You don't look like what I expected."
"Yeah."
"And which of you is the Jesus?"
"Over here."
"You also don't look like what I expected."
"Well, life can be disappointing."
-"Where is the Spirit of the Sun? I would speak to her."
"Oh man, if you were disappointed before..."
-"The spirit of the sun used to be my girlfriend, so I'll go get her.."
"What?!"
"The poor elf dude is being super disappointed."
-"Anema.."
"I'm not going to sleep with you, Catboy."
"No, it's not that. There's a guy who wants to see you."
"What?"
"Actually, a blue elf."
"...is he badass?"
"Yes."
"...hold on."
"Hehe.. I'm totally going to be the rebound guy."
-"So um, does your king have some kind of girlfriend?"
"The Blue Elf King has 1000 concubines."
"Yes, my lady, but none as beautiful as you."
"Hey, stop that! We have to go save the universe!"
"Is your kingdom nice?"
"Dwaraka is the greatest nation in the material plane, my lady."
"Just give us the ring"
"Stop cockblocking him, Catboy."
"He is so cockblocking me!"
"Everyone is cockblocking everyone!"
"Yeah, the Sky-Cleric is cockblocking Jesus!"
-"I wonder if you could use any of Jesus' bodily fluids..."
"I'll take some blood please, put it in this jar."
-"Bill turned himself into a rat."
"Yeah, what a disaster."
"I hope he gets better soon."
"You do?"
"Yeah."
"Because he's your best friend?"
"Yeah."
"Damn it, the uncharming didn't work."
-"This happened to Bill because he was weak."
"What?"
"He didn't kill Heidi."
"Wait, you're not blaming this on insisting on betting all your future on rolling a 20 before rolling a 1, but on not killing Heidi?"
"Well, not just Heidi."
"So, because Bill didn't kill the whole party?"
"Honestly? Yeah."
-"We have traced the last ring for you: it is found on the 512th level of the Realm of Blood & Fire."
"Damn."
-"Hey blue elves? Anema sends a message to Krishnan from us."
"Oh?"
"She says she doesn't want to see or talk to him again. She doesn't want to see him again, or for him to message her."
-"Is the Realm of Blood and Fire all fire?"
"No, there's also a lot of blood."
-Knowing the way to the last ring, the party no longer needs Priscilla.
"What should we do with her?"
"I know! Let's teleport her back to the Grey Realm!"
"Yeah, that way its full circle for her."
-"Roman, what was the point of the Realm of Blood & Fire?"
"Well, I think a daemon AI created it to act as a linking communication bridge between the realm of Blood and the realm of Fire."
"Oh, obviously."
"So was it created by some angsty Ancient?"
"I think it was created by the same guy that did Azi Dahaka."
"Dude had issues."
-"Dudes, the realm of blood & fire is like a huge dungeon of 666 levels."
"Why would anyone do that?"
"Some people like huge dungeons."
-"The highest levels of the realm are filled with monsters, mostly demons. The middle levels are known as the Fire Lands, and are very similar to the Fire Realm. The lowest levels are known as the Palace of Blood and look like a high-tech base."
"Wait, what?"
"they don't look like a palace of blood?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know, I think maybe another designer took over at the end and did his own thing."
-"We have to get to level 522!"
"512!"
"Remember that number!"
-"Thanks for the info, Gary!"
"Good luck! Excelsior!!"
"Hey, that's what Stan Lee says!"
"He's probably around here somewhere too."
-The PCs arrive in the material plane, and set down by the demon temple where the Gate to the Realm of Blood & Fire is located.
"The Demon Temple is even more ruined than the last time you saw it..."
"Wait, Bill had cast mend on it!"
"Oh, OK, in that case the Demon Temple looks really pristine!"
-"Some motherfucker keeps resetting the pentagram that summons that really awful monster."
"The motherfucker in question is probably Bill..."
"A common theme in the campaign."
-The PCs enter the Realm of Blood & Fire, and encounter some hideous Blood Blobs.
"I'm going to use some of this Jesus blood to teleport us to 512!!"
-"Time to use the Potato Dagger!"
"Yay!"
"The hit on the blood blob creates a potato, but it looks like a blood clot."
"Eww!"
-Heidi flies ahead and finds a room with 5 exits, and 9 blood zombies. He heads back to report.
"What was there?"
"Some blood zombies I want to kill."
"How many?"
"3."
"How many exits?"
"3"
"Heidi really doesn't know how to count."
-"You said there were only 3 blood zombies!"
-"Are blood zombies alive?"
"No, those are Sezrekhan zombies."
-"The treasure hall includes 500 smithplium pieces!"
"They've even gotten here?!"
-The party finally reaches level 512, after mistakenly teleporting to a nearby level, and find a pedestal, a standard of the Lord of Blood & Fire, and on the pedestal a small chest. There's also a dozen elite archdemons.
"We have been waiting for you, Bill the Elf. We knew you would come."
"He's not here."
"What?"
"Bill the Elf isn't here."
"Bill's dead."
"What?"
"Well, he's not really dead, but he's out of action for the long term."
"We tried to restore him but it didn't work."
"But we have been ordered to slay Bill the Elf by our Lord!"
"Your lord is a pussy!"
-"Bring us Bill!"
"No, fight us instead!"
"Yeah, unless you're a chicken!"
"I do the chicken dance from Arrested Development at them!"
-"Wait.. just one moment."
"What's he doing?"
"He seems to be taking hold of a couple of weapons, sir."
"They're automatic rifles."
"Are the demons doing anything?"
"No, they're just watching..."
"I empty both clips."
-"You've managed to seriously injure all of the demons."
"For my second action, I fire my bazooka."
-"Most of the demons are dead, but the commander is still alive..."
"Vizi fires his minigun."
"You hit."
"I do 121 points of damage."
"OK, the commander is dead."
"Oh yeah!"
-"The box has two traps (1 blood, 1 fire). And it has the ring."
"Catboy disables both traps, and writes 'I'm Catabra, fuck you' inside the box."
"Also write Bill Was Here!"
"No! The Age of Bill is over!"
"Yeah, but it will piss them off!"
"...OK, fine! I also write Bill Was Here..."
-"I do the Fortnite dance over the corpses!"
-The cleric tries to teleport the party out, but he runs out of Jesus-blood and fails.
"That's what happens when you try to trust a Lutheran!"
-"What if we stay here and farm some XP?"
"There is good XP here... there's also demons that give you lethal blood poisoning when they hit you."
"Good point."
-"Can Roman use his sonic tool to fix the Cleric?"
"You can't do the impossible."
-"Well, guys, we're on level 644, and we're going to have to walk our way out from here."
And on that bombshell, the session ended. The party now has all 5 power rings! However, before they can save creation they're going to need to survive 22 levels of the Realm of Blood & Fire. Will they make it, or find some way to fuck everything up on the verge of victory? Stay tuned!
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Crown Cutty + C&D's Crowley's Best
Only Bill gets rid of Bill
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