DCC Campaign Update: It's a Goddamn Robot Soap Opera

In our last session, the PCs had left behind Smuggler's Cove after burning half the city to the ground, and joined the Posh Elf secret agent Neville Neville on a mission to the ruined command module of a Pythian Skyship to recover a computer core. Because this is a party that has absolutely zero ability to resist a side-quest.

Now:

-The Elf Newb had been kidnapped by Her Majesty's Secret Service, given truth drugs to make him tell them everything about the party (because he'd been too afraid of the other PCs to tell his interrogators about them). Then, they completely forgot about him for 36 hours.
"A goblin with a bucket and mop comes in.... Oi, who are you?!"
"Who are you?"
"Are you even supposed to be 'ere?"
"I don't know."
"Who tied you up?"
"A Posh Elf."
"Oi, Sidney, someone's forgotten about a prisoner again!"

-Meanwhile, the trans-mutant warrior was summoned away, yet again, by the Lords of Neutrality in the Deep Neutral Zone.
"Hello."
"We wish to know about your progress."
"Progress with what?"
"We do not care."
"I'm making average progress."
"Have you found anyone else to bond to the cause of Neutrality?"
"Wando the wizard."
"We ask you to find and recruit a new agent for us. And then to get someone to really hate Neutrality, to balance things out."
"OK."

-"What should I do when I find a candidate?"
"Invoke us. We will answer. Or won't."

-"When you return to the material plane, you see that half the city has burned down. Also, some posh elves are dragging the unconscious newb Elf in front of the tour bus and then run away."
"I wake him up... hey, do you know what happened?"
"No."
"Was it Bill?"
"Probably."

-"Where is everyone?"
"No idea."
"Let's go check out that van over there."
"What could go wrong?"

-"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Who's that baby?"
"the voices you hear are Big Fat Merlin, and Chariss, inside the van."
"Oh God!"
"Don't open that door!"

-"Merlin and Chariss are the most disturbing couple in this campaign."

-While the PCs who hadn't been here last session head off to the location of the Pythian ship with Chariss and Merlin, the rest of the PCs are inside the complex.
"I'm going to slam into that door labeled 'medlab' in Elvish. I get a 17."
"You fall and fall flat on the floor. Pythian metal is really hard."
"Wait... I didn't count the +4 bonus for Bless!"
"That bonus is for fulfilling the quest. You're only trying to get into that room for the loot."
"...true."
"I know how you think."

-Catboy opens the door with his high-tech lockpicks. Inside, there's a medical android that seems slightly damaged.
"WELCOME PATIENT!"
"Huh? I back away a bit."
"I AM READY TO OPERATE DO NOT RESIST"
"I try to run!"
"Neuter him, android!"
"It's for his own good."
"This is an intervention, Catboy!"

-"Maybe it has some drugs for Chariss?"
"Ask her if he has any nipple implants!"
"That might be possible. The Pythians were very technologically advanced."

-The party destroys the robot-medic, and then heads to the other medlab, where they find a Robot Nurse, who is not violently insane.
"GOOD DAY INDICATE YOUR INFIRMITY"
"He doesn't have nipples!"

-"Will you come with us?"
"I MUST REMAIN IN MEDLAB UNTIL I AM RELIEVED BY ANOTHER MEDICAL ROBOT."
"Hey, get the head from the other robot and put it on. Then maybe we can convince her to come with us."
"Sure."
"MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU HAVE KILLED DOCTOR BOT HE WAS THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED"
"So wait.. she's not programmed to give us directions to the computer core, but she was programmed to love?!"

-"Wait, Keith Richards is alive?"
"Yes, he's the king of the lost city of Tijuana, in the Shithole."
"He's a Daemon Patron?"
"No, just immortal."
"He's sort of like the Tom Bombadil of this campaign."

-The party moves on, and eventually finds the science labs section. In the first of these, there's a Lab Technician Robot, which claims that it's working on a "cure" for aberration/mutations.
"How good a cure is it?"
"I AM STILL WORKING ON IT."
"But if it works, it would remove mutations?"
"YES.  IN THEORY IT WOULD BE SUCCESSFUL AT EXTINGUISHING 100% OF ABERRATIONS."
"Wait... do you mean by killing the person who was mutated?"
"CORRECT"

-When the PCs open the next room, they are bombarded by a cloud of reddish dust that turns out to be a toxic mold that's both mutagenic and radioactive!
"What do we do?"
"Let's go back to the medilab."

-While the Nurse Bot is treating the afflicted, Bill goes and casts Mend on the Doctor Bot. It is restored to full function but without its artificial personality or knowledge. It's essentially an amnesiac.
"Follow me."
"AFFIRMATIVE"
"I go into the other medilab."
"MY LOVE"
"IDENTIFY YOURSELF"
"DO YOU  NOT REMEMBER ME?"
"THIS UNIT HAS NOT PREVIOUSLY ENCOUNTERED YOU"
"I AM PROGRAMMED TO LOVE YOU ANYWAYS"
"Alright, that's enough of that. Come with me robot."
"NO DO NOT LEAVE ME"
"I MUST FOLLOW MY DESIGNATED USER"
"NOO FOR A BRIEF MOMENT I KNEW LOVE"
"Jesus, it's a goddamn robot soap opera here."

-Bill insists on taking the Mended android with him, breaking the nurse bot's heart.
"From now on your name is Roboto."
"UNDERSTOOD"
"And if anyone asks your name you say 'Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto'."
"I OBEY"

-The party makes their way into the security office, and there find the corpse of a Pythian knight, and some Pythian Battle Armor!
"We can give it to the Elf Newb."
"Wow!"
"You put it on?"
"Yes."
"And turn it on?"
"Yes."
"It short circuits and electrocutes you for 10 damage."
"I'm probably dead, and I just hit the xp for level 1."
"He was in the danger zone, even armor isn't safe there!"
"This is what happens when you try to do something nice for a newb!"

-"The newb-elf's been electrocuted! We have to do something fast!"
"Agreed. I cast Mend on the armor."

-"The Elf Newb is dead!"
"On the plus side, one of your three replacement newbs will get to have some truly badass armor."

-The party also finds a Pythian Laser Pistol.
"I test fire it on the Elf's corpse."
"It does 29 points of damage".
"OK, I'm keeping this!"
"But I was the one that found it, Heidi! No fair!"
"Here, Catboy, take this pointy stick instead."

-3 Newbs are brought into the ruins by Blitzkrieg Sakomano.
"Hey guys, I found these three so I figured one of your party had died."

-"There's a former sky-nazi stormtrooper, a 3rd grade latrine technician, and a Kekistani Memetician."
"Meme Magic!"

-The PCs find the power core, and head back outside.
"I'm calling Sandi."
"I prepare my shield!"
"For a radio call?"
"Heidi is a seriously abused spouse."

-"You're not getting any answer."
"Something's wrong."
"Could Sandi have been attacked?"
"More likely she's killed the mobsters who set up the communication tower!"
"Either way, we should get back there."

-The party tries to convince Laquanda to let Blitzkrieg take them down to the surface.
"There's no way I'm going down to the G.O.D-damn surface!"
"OK, calm down, Laquanda..."
"Oh no, catboy.."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"
"I'm just saying she's being hysterical."
"Oh that's it! GET OUT. All of you! You want to go to the surface, take that broke-ass tour bus down there!"

-The party high-tails it away from the Superfly and takes their broke-ass tour bus down to the surface, to go find out what's happened to Sandi.

-Along the way, the party manages to get some rest, and the trans-warrior levels up!
"Because you're a Neutral Warrior, your new level-title is 'Non-Berskerer'."
"Awesome!!"

That's it for this time. The party is headed back to Castle Dread to find out what's up with Sandi, and then probably back up to try to go to the Death Race 3001. Stay tuned next time to see what new side-quest they inevitably get distracted into!

RPGPundit

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