DCC Campaign Update: The Mustache Was Real

In our last session, the party had left Bill behind (arrested) and left Sami behind (assumed drunk and boning a blob-creature) on Fuck Station Aleph, and had gone down to the surface on a Kekistani smuggling ship to raid an Ancient Complex.

Now:

-Bill is trapped in a kind of containment unit, his mouth bolted closed, his hands immobilized, in a cell guarded by a force field. He can only watch as the security headquarters are raided by Sami and a heavily armed blob.
"That must be her boyfriend..."
"they shoot up everyone, and then start making out."
"Oh god no!"
"Bill is unable to divert his gaze as he watches Sami and the blob-man making out with a lot of heavy tongue action."

-"Sami is also more competent when her player isn't here!"
"To be fair, the Blob did most of the work."

-Keeping Bill trapped for the moment in his containment unit, Sami and the blob race him out of the security HQ and onto the blob's ship, and they take off escaping from FSA.
"Well, thanks Sami.. and.."
"Blob Loblaw."
"I've decided to hook up with him; I'm leaving you guys behind."
"What? Why?"
"Well, I already liked him, but then I found out he's a wealthy lawyer!"
"Blob Loblaw is a Law Blob."
"Blob Loblaw loves the law!"
"Blob Loblaw has a Law Blog."

-"So, where is Kekistan anyways?"
"Well, first of all it is in our hearts!"
"Yes, and also in a peninsula on the South-Western Continent!"
"Really? Wow. A high-tech culture on the surface?"
"That is not totally unusual. There's this race of kobolds.."
"Oh, sorry, not anymore."
"Oh. Well, then there's the lands of the Presbyterian Council--"
"Nope, gone."
"Well, there's--"
"No, I'm sure we destroyed them too."

-"So you're just leaving us?"
"I'm sure you'll be fine. Blob, open the airlock!"
"Aren't you going to let me out of this containment unit?"
"No. Bye!"

-"What is that? Something just fell from the sky!"
"Let's shoot it!"
"Yes, without even checking what it is!!"

-"No, let's approach cautiously. And by 'lets', I mean Heidi."

-"It's like some kind of high-tech sarcophagus!"
"I try to open it. Can I figure out how to do that?"
"Make an INT check."
"5."
"Well.. it has a big red button and big green button."
"...I press the... green one."
"Aww!"

-"It's Bill! Get him out of there."
"As soon as Bill's free he looks around for his briefcase."
"It's not there."
"nooo!"

-"Hey, Sky-Mexican, you're a cleric, right?"
"Si, but I can't cast spells right now."
"Goddamnit! I need to get myself one of those dwarven grievance books!"

-"There are two shafts into this Ancient complex."
"You guys really like the word 'shaft'!"

-"Do any of you guys have clothes at least?"
"I don't!"
"Rocky is naked now?"
"Yeah, my clothes got dirty, and then I stopped using them, and none of you noticed."

-"Wait, the Sword of Neutrality gives you a +4 Strength?!"
"God damn it!!"
"Heidi is salivating at that sword like a dog looking at a steak."
"We already established he'd be willing to cut off his own arms just to get a +4 strength. Too bad he's not Neutral, huh?"

-"Bill has no clothes other than his undies."
"They're spongebob underwear."
"Did you guys see any clothes in the Ancients complex?"
"No."
"Wait, the brain eaters had robes!"
"Yeah, but they're thin and tall..."
"No, one of them was a bit of a fatty, remember?"

-"We're going back into the complex to find the central computer. Rocky & Zeke, you guys stay behind."
"I'll stay here and pray for you, my friends!"
"You could try to convert the Kekistanis."
"Or make religious memes!"
"Or try to make religious rock music.."
"I made a religious rap once!"
"We know, Zeke, you got sent to fashion jail in coolland for that."

-"I'll be ready to immediately throw my fire spears at anything I see."
"So, if it turns out to be Roman's girlfriend?"
"I don't know about that."
"That was the first thing we told you!"
"But that doesn't mean Bill was actually listening!"

-"if we see a sense of dignity, Bill will kill it with his fire spears."

-"Catboy, you go first!"
"Sure, because this is definitely not a group that stabs its party members in the back!"
"What's wrong with him?"
"He knows you betrayed him."
"Hey, I did a lot of things."

-They get to the room with a Power Sphere and several computers. But when they go inside, several small security drones pop out of the wall and start to fire at the party.
"Sky-Mexican, do you hide behind Roman?"
"No, like I said, prison has changed the Sky-mexican."

-"The drone hits the Sky-Cleric for 16 points of damage."
"He's down!"
"You should have hid behind Roman."

-"The drones drop the sky-cleric, nearly kill the Catboy, but they totally miss the 1st level trans-warrior."
"The trans-warrior is alive but he doesn't know why!"

-"Can I get cover?"
"The only cover near where you are is the possible-corpse of the sky-cleric."
"Well, I've done worse."

-"I'm going to try to hack these things next round. Hope you guys are still alive."

-"Catboy will burn almost all his luck to destroy the drone that's on him"
"What do you say to Ancient Hunter-Killer Drone Robots? Not today!"

-Roman gets control of the computer and deactivates the remaining drones.
"Right after Bill cast Magic Missile and ended up in the safety of the Neutral Zone."
"It's not so safe here. Remember that Brain Eaters can shift into the Neutral Zone..."
"They can?"
"Yeah, you learned that back in the very first adventure that you guys had with Sami!"
"Oh yeah, when Mu was raped by ghosts!"
"That never happened you assholes!!"

-"So the Sky-Cleric is down?"
"Yes, is Catboy going to check him?"
"No, Catboy is going to pick-pocket all his healing hypos."

-"Oh, I just realized Heidi has a potion of healing... which he will save for himself when he's eventually wounded."

-"Are there any images on my comm of what the Sky-Fuhrer looks like?"
"Yes. He looks like a chubby hitler."
"Chubby?"
"Yeah, remember that his seminal book was Mein Struggle Against Childhood Obesity?"

-"The Sky-Cleric is keeping watch on the shaft while the others are doing their thing."
"He spots a tentacled monstrosity making its way up the shaft!"
"Bye, guys!"

-"The Sky-Mexican just flew away guys, we're in danger!"
"His brush with death unhardened him again!"

-"I cast Coward!"
"The Sky-Mexican can cast that at will!"

-"What is that goddamn animal?"
"I believe the scientific term for it is Tentacular Monstrosity."
"That doesn't sound very scientific..."
"we have to ask Rocky later."
"Yeah, he's probably a monsterologist."

-"In the Shithole, my people hunted these things! No, wait, I mean, these things hunted my people!"

-"How big is it?"
"Larger than any pony but smaller than the biggest horses."
"So like the size of a giant scorpion?"
"Like a large average-sized giant scorpion."
"Thanks, now I feel really immersed."

-"Heidi tackles the thing, gets a critical 20, and literally tears it in half with his bare hands!"
"Holy shit!"
"You are death incarnate. You can continue attacking any enemies within 10'. Unfortunately the sky-mexican is more than 10' away."
"The sky-cleric sees what Heidi just did and flies away faster!"

-"Bill makes a poncho out of a sheet and then throws a blanket over it, so he has something to wear."
"You look like a refugee from a mental hospital."
"It's a good look for me!"

-Heidi contacts FSA and tries to negotiate for Bill's stuff.
"If you want us to kill the Sky-Fuhrer, we need Bill's briefcase!"
"What do you need from that? Tell us and we may consider bringing it to you."
"Yeah but we need to get it, because you can't open it because it's trapped! Only Bill can open it."
"So Bill IS with you!"
"Damn."

-"Zeke's religious meme is awful."

-The FSA Directorate is still debating Heidi's request.
"We understand the power Bill has to save the world. Or to kill the Sky-Fuhrer. But on the other hand, he's Bill the Elf."

-Heidi is asked to address the Directorate (audio only, as the identity of the Directorate membership is kept strictly secret).
"We're going to save the world again, and get rid of the Sky-Fuhrer, but we need Bill's things. We also want our records expunged, even Bill's and our Sky-Mexican Nazi."
"I'm not a sky-nazi!"

-"Before we go our separate ways, can we get some Kekistani memes from you guys?"
"Sure! Here you go."
"Aw, I got Bad Luck Brian."

-"I know a place you could go to steal a sky-nazi ship. There's an isolated floating island that has the personal palace of the Sky-uberluftwaffefuhrer, one of the powerful underlings of the sky-fuhrer."
"Ok, get us as close as you safely can, and then Bill will teleport us into the bathroom."
"I can only take 4 people with me though."
"OK, Heidi, Catboy, the Sky-Mexican and the Trans-Warrior."

-"Catboy gives Bill the camouflage cloak to turn him into a sky-Mexican."
"The cloak has that?"
"Yeah, Roman made it one of the settings a little while ago."
"So now its forms are Sky-Mexican, Trent, a sack of rocks, and Roman?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't he remove the 'Roman' disguise?"
"I'm sure it made sense to Roman."

-"where's the hangar bay?"
"Down that corridor."
"OK, I'm going to try to hack the camera."
"You fail and activate a loud alarm."
"Damn it."
"You hear a siren and the word ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! repeating loudly."
"Bless you!"
"Someone is sneezing into the microphone..."

-"you open the door to the hangar bay, there's several sky-nazi guards there, and they start shooting."
"Catboy, show them its you!"
"Meow!"

-"The Trans-Warrior will dive in front of Bill!"
"That's a heroic act of self-sacrifice that Bill himself would never do."
"Self-sacrifice, or as we call it in our party, weakness."

-"Who are you?"
"We are from the Sky-Mexican Nazi Legion!"
"One moment, we shall confirm!"
"Oh shit..."
"It checks out!"
"Whew."

-"Now, we only need your security code, mein herr."
"...1234?"
"Yes, that also checks out!"
"How the hell have these guys gotten as far as they got?"

-"To get the Catboy to the Sky-fuhrer, we need the Sky-Uberluftwaffefuhrer's yacht, and a pilot."
"We shall give you a pilot, the very best we have. But we want it known to the Sky-Fuhrer that we have been loyal directly to him, and not to the Sky-Uberluftwaffefuhrer."
"Heh, the sky-nazis have machiavellian internal politics."

-"Mein herrs, I'm sure you are familiar with the Graf Von Baron, the greatest flying ace of the entire fleet?"
"A pleasure I'm sure."
"He's pretty dashing."
"You realize his name means 'baron von baron', right?"

-"You can lock the Catboy in the closet of the yacht. It has a secure lock."
"Oh, we don't need a lock, we know Catboy won't ever come out of the closet."

-"We forgot about the plan to drop grenades on the roof, we should go back!"

-Catboy uses his Locate spell to locate The Man, discovering he's closing in on the yacht's location at high speed.
"I text him: Hi Man."
"He texts back: I'm coming."
"I text: I know, how's your arm?"
"He texts: Improved."
"I text: cybernetic? Do you have a cyber-dog now too?"
"He texts: Normally this is just a job, but it's going to be a pleasure to kill you."

-"Bill goes into the sky-uberluftwaffefuhrer's quarters, and steals his pyjamas."
"That's fine, he's basically sky-goering so he's a portly guy like you."
"Also, I get his signed copy of Mein Struggle Against Childhood Obesity and write 'Bill was here' over it."

-The party manages to outspeed The Man, and eventually it looks like he's not following them anymore. But when they get to the main Sky-Nazi fleet, the long-range sensors detect some kind of missile flying toward the fleet at incredible speeds.

-"Hurry, Bill, cast Magic Missile at the Sky-Fuhrer!"
"I run to the bathroom to cast it."

-Bill casts magic missile but gets 1 point too low to successfully reach the Sky-Fuhrer. He tries again, burning 1 point of Luck to do so.
"I made it!"
"The missile goes off, but the Sky-Fuhrer is unharmed!"
"What?"
"You guys really should have realized that there's tons of stuff that can protect you from magic missile, right? I mean, just earlier this same session, Bill cast magic shield and got protection from magic missiles..."
"Damn."
"I mean, the sky-fuhrer probably gets an assassination attempt every Tuesday. If magic missile would cut it he'd probably be dead by now, wouldn't he?"
"OK, we get it."

-"Oh well, I guess now we have no choice but to let The Man kill Catboy."
"What??"

-The Graf Von Baron is speeding away on orders from the Sky-Fuhrer, to try to draw the oncoming missile away from the main fleet and the Sky-Fuhrer.
"We will all die for the greater glory of the Sky-Reich, mein freunds."
"Um, actually, we're all going to abandon ship."
"Ah, yes, it is alright. You go, I will drive the missile away as long as I can. Leave me here with the Catboy."
"Of course... I sneak the catboy out too."

-The party bails, but the Sky-Mexican loses control of his jetpack and slams into a Sky-nazi warship.
"The Sky-Mexican survives, but at a terrible cost."
"He's still alive, that's the terrible cost."

-The missile hits the Yacht and there's a huge atomic explosion. Heidi and Catboy are alive, but badly wounded as they were in the periphery of the blast radius.
"Catboy, there's a potion of healing in my bag, get it!"
"Good. I take it and drink it."
"Well, I walked right into that one, I guess."

-Catboy can't resist provoking The Man, even if it reveals he's still alive.
"I text: IBC-ing you.."
"He texts: 'til next time."
"I text: I hope that killed your mother."

-"We're going to kill the Sky-Fuhrer!"
"Don't say that on Comms, they'll be listening!"
"Oh yeah.. I mean.. we're going to complete..the mission..."

-"You're still going to try to kill him now? Are you guys out of your minds?!"
"You only just realized that now, Roman?"

-"Where's Rocky?"
"None of us could carry him, so he ejected on the Sky-Uberluftwaffefuhrer's escape pod. He's gone."
"Well, I'm sure he'll be fine."

-"We don't have the health or resources to complete the mission!"
"I think Roman's right, Heidi."
"Too bad you're not the one flying this jetpack, Catboy!"
"Damn it, Heidi, it's suicide!"
"I want my cyber-arms!!"

-"Catboy survived the ICBM, but he might not survive Heidi!"

-"This is a really bad idea..."
"Welcome to the party, Roman!"

-"The Sky-Nazis probably heard everything we've been saying!"
"You see 76 one-man fighters launching from the Sky-Nazi fleet, heading right for you as soon as Roman says that."

-"This is Sky-Nazi command. We know everything! We have been listening to your comms und we have been watching on the Catboy's livestream!"
"You just had to keep running that livestream, didn't you?"

-"We have to teleport out of here!"
"Do you wait until you catch up with Heidi?"
"Fuck it."

-"The Sky-Mexican, after being hit on the head, now believes he really is a secret Sky-Nazi agent."
"Surprise, ya? Even mein accent was fake! Und my mexican mustache, see? AAAGH!!"
"The mustache was real."

-"How many of the fighters are still following me and Catboy?"
"About 50."
"What do you say, Catboy? I take 25 you take 25?"

-Heidi flies fast at terminal velocity toward the ocean below, and swerves at the last minute.
"So, 27 of the 70 fighters are able to make the turn, the rest slam into the ocean and explode."
"Holy shit!"

-"The Sky-Nazis contact you: Surrender the Catboy!"
"Or what?"
"Or we will destroy you!"
"Then the Catboy would die and The Man would come after your fuhrer."
"No, but... damn you!!"

-"Heidi draws his sword."
"What are you doing?"
"Taking them.. there's only 25 of them."

-"The sky-nazi fighters turn back.
"I fly after them!"
"Noo!"

-The sky-nazi fighters turn back way too fast to be caught up to, and the fight is over, for now.
"So did the sky-mexican get any XP?"
"No, sorry, crashing into a ship doesn't give you any XP."

-Bill, the Trans-Warrior, the Sky-Mexican, and Roman ended up back in the middle-northern Wilderlands, about a mile away from the Rose Dome.
"So this was your home?"
"Yeah, this is where it all started."
"So are your people there?"
"No, they were driven out by a bunch of Really Old Wizards back when I was still a Newb."

-Meanwhile, Heidi and Catboy ended up flying their way to some solid land, arriving at a village, having no idea where in the World of the Last Sun they are.
"You land and find that the village is full of Minotaurs in togas."
"Wait.. is this Minotauria?!"
"It is, sir."
"We have heard a lot about you! Of course, most of what we heard was made up. Mostly by us. But apparently you're real!"

-"They seem to have a kind of Classical civilization."
"What's their opinion on Mazes?"
"You assume they're pro-mazes."

-"I'm worried, Catboy. I'm not sure if just the two of us will be enough to destroy this civilization."



And on that terrible disappointment, we finish for today.  Will Catboy and Heidi be able to ruin Minotauria all by themselves? What will Bill find in his ancestral dome? Will the party stay split up or figure out some stupid reason for all coming back together again immediately? Will The Man finally be able to kill Catboy? Will Heidi ever get his cyber-arms? Will anyone in the party remember their quest to stop the corruption of the Crown of Creation and save the universe?

The answers to these questions and more will probably be only partially answered at best, next time! So stay tuned!

RPGPundit

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