The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Friday, 5 June 2020

Crawford Doesn't Get the Basic Point of D&D


We used to make fun of guys who wanted 're-dos' on RPG situations that didn't work out right. Now Jeremy Crawford wants it to be D&D policy. Because he doesn't understand the most basic thing about how RPGs work.

Monday, 1 June 2020

SJWs are in Late-Stage Hypernormalization

The dnd SJWs, and SJWs in general, are entering the late stage decadence of what can be called "Hypernormalization", to borrow a term from the USSR. But the more ridiculous they become, the more dangerous their demands become.


Saturday, 23 May 2020

RPGPundit's Saturday Night Livestream: The Band is Breaking Up?

 In my latest Saturday Night Livestream I talked about Star Adventurer (& my campaign), Mearls back at D&D, and why Inappropriate Characters might be breaking up; plus lots of generic talk about OSR and D&D stuff too.

Also, lots of destructive appearances by my cat!

Check it out:








Tuesday, 19 May 2020

"Theater of the Mind" Doesn't Mean "Just Fake It"

I always play D&D or OSR RPGs using the "theater of the mind", I've never been a minis+battlemat guy.

But I've noticed that some people just throw all kinds of context out of the window when they claim to be using that method, making a surreal and non-emulative type of combat. So in my latest video I wanted to share some advice on how to handle Theater of the Mind combat, and to make sure it isn't just an excuse to go all loosey-goosey on the rules.


Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Star Adventurer is a Bestseller!


So Star Adventurer, my complete Space Opera OSR RPG issued as RPGPundit Presents #100, has just hit Copper Bestseller in under 24 hours!



This 40-page RPG is a compact set of full rules for running space-opera adventures in the style of late-70s/early-80s sci fi. Its character creation and advancement rules are based on Lion & Dragon, and it's compatible with any OSR or classic DnD products.

It includes rules on archetypal aliens, psychic/space-magic powers/"forces", high-tech equipment, starship combat, and options for grittier action or a default more cinematic style. Its a perfect rule-set for you to apply to the space-opera setting of your choice!

So be sure to pick up RPGPundit Presents #100: Star Adventurer from DTRPG! You can get the PDF for just $3.99, or the PDF+Print edition for just $9.99!

And while you're at it be sure to check out all our previous issues, where you'll find tons of OSR medieval-authentic and Gonzo/Weird-Fantasy goodness!







RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)









RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)




RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)































RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)




RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)






RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)



RPGPundit Presents #68: The Cult of the Saints (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

RPGPundit Presents #69: The Path of Trees (compatible with Lion & Dragon)



RPGPundit Presents #72: The Cymri Davey (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 




























RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Walnut





RPGPundit Presents 100 is finally here! You can pick up Star Adventurer, an #OSR space-opera #ttrpg for just $9.99 print + pdf! #dnd https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/308685/RPGPundit-Presents-100-Star-Adventurer

Saturday, 9 May 2020

RPGPundit's Star Adventurer Launch Party!

Tonight, 7pm Central, the launch party for RPGPundit Presents 100: Star Adventurer! I'll be talking about my newest #ttrpg (an #osr space opera game), and also the new #dnd boss Ray Winninger, and also probably some politics. Be there or be square!









Tuesday, 5 May 2020

I Got Interviewed by Badger Radio!

Here's the lengthy interview Badger Radio did with me, where we talk about gaming and both historical and modern politics in gaming:


Saturday, 2 May 2020

When Will Matt Mercer/Critical Role Tell us to #BelieveAllWomen Again?

Matt Mercer of Critical Role is a super nice guy, he let's us know that all the time. And he told the "D&D Community" to #believeallwomen in the past. So when is going to tell us that now about Creepy Joe?







Tuesday, 28 April 2020

1984: Orc Edition

The idea of the D&D "orcs are razist" SJWs is to force you to say something that both you and they know is a lie. And that's their goal.




Thursday, 23 April 2020

My DCC Campaign, On Video!

Well, the unthinkable happened. Thanks to the Coronavirus, my DCC group has moved to playing virtually for the duration. So we decided to throw caution to the wind, and record our session.

Here is the first one, from Bill the Elf's Youtube channel!


Monday, 20 April 2020

RPGPundit Reviews: Strange Tales of Songling

In my latest video, I review Bedrock Games' "Strange Tales of Songling", an RPG based on Wuxia horror stories!

Check it out:


Wednesday, 8 April 2020

Daniel Fox is Defaming Me with a Provably False Accusation

Daniel Fox has peppered the internet with an utterly false accusation against me. At first, he might have believed it through error, but now, he absolutely knows it's not true, and he keeps propagating it. In this video I post the evidence that absolutely proves he's being deceptive in his attack on me, intending to get me and my products blacklisted! Please help me set the record straight!


Saturday, 4 April 2020

SJW Dungeonworld Designer Caught in Toxic Masculinity Scandal!

Adam Koebel, the SJW Male-feminist Dungeonworld creator who accused the OSR of "toxic masculinity" ends up destroying his livestream gaming group by forcing a robot-rape scene on a woman gamer while he laughed.
Check it out!



Sunday, 29 March 2020

Inappropriate Characters Tonight! One of us is Infected!

Join me, Venger & Grimjim right now, at 7:30pm Central tonight LIVE where we talk about how gamers are handling the Plague, answer your questions & much more! Plus, find out which of us is infected!



Saturday, 21 March 2020

DCC Campaign Update: He's Scimitarded!



In our last adventure, the PCs were wandering their way through the great pyramid of the City of the Atheists, on a quest to obtain Potion 21, the most powerful potion in creation, which they want to use to destroy Sezrekhan. Making their way through the weird environment, the party experienced the unfortunate death of the Trans-Mutant Warrior, after he had also been shrunk to 3 inches in height and turned into a girl (he's had a pretty rough time of things in the pyramid).  But they decided to try to use a dubious 'resurrection' scroll on him, and he came back to unlife as an intelligent free-willed undead.

The party then found their way into a weird room and fought some rubber automatons, and discovered that they were guarding a trio of cryotubes, with living people in them! Could they be Ancients?

Now:

-"Are they Ancients in the tube?"
"No."
"How do you know?"
"There's three of them. There's no way the DM would suddenly give us 3 ancients."
"Wait, if there's 3 of them, could they be newbs?"
"But no one died."
"The trans-warrior died and then we made him an undead! Maybe the universe doesn't count that as alive!"
"We broke the game!"
"They're definitely not Newbs. Look at what they're wearing! I'm pretty sure they're retards! That guy has a rainbow on the chest of his uniform!"
"Maybe they're My Little Ponies?"

-"Who is going to open the cryotube?"
"Catboy could spend luck and mash at the controls with his paws."
"No, I can't do that anymore, I'm not a catboy anymore!"



-Catboy still manages to open the cryotubes by randomly typing at the controls, like in a bad movie about hackers. Three teenagers emerge, two mutants and one human, all in strange outfits with different chest symbols.
"Are you ponies, or care bears?"

-"Who are you people?!"
"I'm heidi, that's Bill the Elf.."
"Bill the elf?! Super Cool Teens, Assemble!"

-"No, he's... um.. the good Bill!"
"There is no good Bill!"
"I'm reformed! I haven't committed genocide in days!"

-"We should carry around a board saying 'X days since last genocide'!"
"Yeah, or you could just stop telling everyone I'm Bill!"



-"We're from the Legion of Super Cool Teens! I'm Color-Hearing Lad, this is Annoying Laugh Girl, and that's Explosive Diarrhea Boy!"
"What?!"

-"We're here to stop the Apocalypse Protocol that you caused, Bill!"
"That's over."
"You've been in cryosleep a long time."

-"Hey, can you show us your powers?"
"Dude, are you looking to shit yourself or something?"

-"You guys are seriously in the Legion of Super Cool Teens? You're not Substitutes?"
"Actually... we're Reservists. Someday, we hope to be Substitutes!"
"That makes sense."



-"What color is my gun?"
"B flat."
"Oh.. I would have guessed A sharp!"

-"What kind of superpower is it to shit yourself?"
"I don't do that. I make others shit themselves."
"That might actually be useful.."
"That's not a superpower! I did that every time I gave my hermanos some tacos!"

-The party decides to move on.
"Maybe the Teens can check for traps?"
"No, that's Check For Traps Lad."

-The party gets to a door with a sliding peephole.
"I knock."
"...what's the pasword?"
"is it... password?"
"...that was last week, but it's still good, come in!"

-"The room is a strange looking Cantina filled with a wide variety of strange looking humanoids, a band playing a cheesy tune, and a bartender that looks a lot like Bea Arthur"



-"Hey... you.. we don't like your kind around here!"
"...what kind am I exactly?"
"Undead pixies!"

-"Explosive Diarrhea Boy incapacitates the gnoll-like creature harassing the trans-warrior with his power."
"Wow... that is definitely a dark-side power!"

-The party moves on and approaches the entrance to a room filled with what seems like a summoning circle.
"Color-hearing Lad, do you hear anything ahead?"
"Danger. Also magic."
"You can hear magic?"
"Magic colors, yes."

-When the party enters, they are suddenly faced with a dozen demons plus a demoness; one of the demons wielding a black chaos greatsword.
"Boyboy stands in front of Annoying Laugh Girl, to protect her!"
"LOL, He's White-Knighting her!"

-"There's a big group of demons there, Heidi. You could fly up and drop a grenade in the middle of them!"
"I only brought pacifist grenades, I forgot!"
"He forgot how to be a hypocrite!"

-"I grab pixie-trans-warrior and try to push him into the demon's mouth!"
"Hey! I'm not Ant Man!"
"You're 3 inches tall, good enough!"



-"The Super-Cool Teens' powers are surprisingly useful!"
"Yeah, but their hand-to-hand skills suck."

-"Annoying Laugh Girl is hit by a demon, and she falls!"
"Oh no! My Pity-Fuck!!"

-The party defeats the demons.
"Heidi sunders the black sword!"
"Trying that could have destroyed your daemon-slayer sword, you know..."
"It would have been win-win either way!"

-"Heidi swallows the mystery pill."
"OK. Heidi suddenly vanishes!"
"Shit! OK, guys, let's wait for him."
"How long do you wait?"
"30 minutes."
"30 minutes later, he doesn't show up."
"Well... let's wait 30 minutes more?"
"Sure. No sign of him."
"OK, he's dead."

-"Catboy is still cursed by that scimitar he picked up."
"He's scimitarded!"

-"I throw my scimitar at the insect creature... return to me, scimitar!!"
"The scimitar does not return."

-Meanwhile, Heidi finds himself having been teleported to the Interspacial Rhombus, where he meets Nikos the mad immortal wizard!
"I am going give you choice: I can give you curse, boon, or teach you valuable lesson!"
"...I'll take the boon?"
"OK, your boon will also be valuable lesson!"
"damn."



-Nikos gives Heidi a box with a button.
"I press the button."
"The box seems to unfold and transform into a 3' tall robot!"
"HELLO I AM YOUR COMPANION ROBOT PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME"
"Heidi."
"DID YOU SAY BIM?"
"No, Heidi."
"NAME CONFIRMED: HELLO BIM!"

-"So you're like BOLT-0?"
"ARE YOU SEEING OTHER ROBOTS, BIM?"

-"Can you spread butter?"
"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR BUTTER, BIM? YOU CAN FIND BUTTER NOT ON THIS PLANE. WOULD YOU LIKE DIRECTIONS TO NOT ON THIS PLANE BIM?"



-The rest of the party gets to a room where they meet the Devotees of Zorg, a race of plant-based broccoli-like humanoids.
"Welcome!"
"They don't seem dangerous."
"We only celebrate Zorg, with our songs, and playing of games, for all our lives, until each of us gets his turn to be devoured by Zorg!"
"What's Zorg?"
"He's our god!"
"So, like, you're sacrificed?"
"We are eaten by Zorg."
"Is that crude drawing of a gigantic cyclops eating a smiling brocoli-man Zorg?"
"Yes!"
"Where is Zorg?"
"He's in the room down that hallway!"

-"So Zorg is just down that hallway, what's down that other corridor?"
"That is the room of the Sphere of Death!"
"What's the Sphere of Death?"
"Everyone all together says: 'there's two things you need to know about the sphere of death...'"

-"Do not go there, it is certain death!"
"OK, let's go check out the sphere of death!"



-"You get to the entrance to the room, and see that it's got no visible exits and seems to have nothing in it."
"Where's the Sphere of Death?"
"Maybe it appears if someone enters, like the last one?"
"Go on then..."
"I don't know.."
"Forget it, Bill will blow the Horn of Dutchmen!"
"Five Dutchmen appear!"
"Isn't that weird?"

-The Dutchmen enter the room, and a large sphere of sinister energy appears in the middle of it!
"No one touch it."
"Are you sure?"
"Catboy throws his scimitar at it!"
"Hm... ok, the Scimitar goes through the sphere, and the sphere's energy seems to all get sucked into the scimitar until the sphere vanishes, and then the sword falls to the ground. Now it's covered in strange green magical runes."
"Holy crap, that worked!"

-Heidi returns, with his new Companion Robot!
"Hey guys, this is my Companion Robot."
"ARE THESE YOUR FRIENDS, BIM?"
"Bim?"

-"This is Bill."
"DID YOU SAY HEIDI?"
"No, Bill."
"HELLO HEIDI!"

-"This is the Neutral Warrior..."
"DID YOU SAY NOT-A-WARRIOR?"

-"This is the Cleric.."
"DID YOU SAY THE CLERK?"

-"This is Boyboy."
"That's not my name!"
"DID YOU SAY BOYBOY?"
"Oh come on!!"




-"Companion Robot, do you know what those runes say?"
"YES BIM. THEY ARE RUNES OF POWER THEY MAKE THE SWORD POWERFUL AND NOT SUCK ANYMORE"
"Not suck anymore?"
"THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT THE RUNES SAY, BIM"

-The party decides that before moving on, possibly to face whatever Zorg is, they're going to rest and recover.
"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SOOTHE YOU TO SLEEP BIM?"
"Yes, yes I would."
"...GO TO SLEEP BIM...HAVE SWEET DREAMS BIM...CLOSE YOUR EYES BIM...HAVE A GOOD NIGHT BIM... GO TO SLEEP BIM..."
"For fuck's sake Heidi, shut that thing up!"
"It's helping me sleep, guys!"

That's everything for this session. Stay tuned next time as the DCC team keep making their way in their quest for Potion 21!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Neerup bent apple + Image Latakia

Thursday, 19 March 2020

Friday, 13 March 2020

"Adventure Paths" Aren't Deep-Roleplay, They're D&D for the Special Bus



Today: "Adventure Paths" and story-mechanics are not 'deep roleplaying'. For that, you need the freeform style of the OSR.

Take off the D&D training wheels!


Saturday, 7 March 2020

To Save Doctor Who, the BBC Must Be Destroyed

In today's video, I talk mostly about Doctor Who rather than RPGs, and how at this point the only chance to save this show from oblivion is to defund the BBC.


Sunday, 1 March 2020

Livestream: Is #DnD Twitter Worse Than Coronavirus?

Check out my livestream TONIGHT, 8PM Central: Is #dnd Twitter Worse Than the Coronavirus? Starting in 10 minutes from posting!


Edited to add: So the first livestream crashed prematurely, so here's the new one!


Monday, 24 February 2020

Cults of Chaos Flip-Through

In this video I show you the contents of the Cults of Chaos OSR sourcebook: a generator for near-infinite varieties of cultists, heretics, witches, sorcerers, heathens and other medieval-authentic villains for any D&D derived game!




Thursday, 20 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Don't Wear Pants of Speed in a Harem




In our last session, the PCs had found themselves in the City of the Pyramid, inside the dreaded testing chambers of the Black Pyramid, trying to search for the legendary Potion 21.

Now:

-Today is the 7th Anniversary of the DCC Campaign! That's somewhere over 175 sessions of DCC! As per tradition, Bill The Elf brought a rogel cake, which is basically concentrated diabetes; incredibly tasty, but you'd literally die if you eat more than one slice a year.



-"Wait, I wasn't here last session... what happened to Blake's nipples? Did he ever tell the story?"
"Yes, he did, but we're not going to tell you."
"You bastards!"

-The Sky-cleric had last been seen going into town with some of the catkid orphans, and he wakes up alone in a dingy room, mostly naked and chained to a bed.
"Do I feel anything in my ass?"
"No. In fact, you don't feel anything at all in your ass. You may have been given an anesthetic."
"Oh damn, that's worse!"

-The sky cleric gets free, and walks through an abandoned dingy building that is clearly some kind of den of sin.
"There's no one here?"
"Nope. You find your stuff after searching around."
"I go outside."
"The streets seem to be abandoned too, you're clearly in the slums outside of the Citadel. The sign above the door you just existed says 'human sex brothel'."
"I'm going to choose to believe that nothing happened in there, and no one will ever know."

-"I fly up a bit to take a look around."
"OK, when you fly up you notice first of all that much of the slums appear to be abandoned, either that or everyone is hiding indoors. The area for about 500 meters around the citadel itself is totally scorched, and you think you see some bits of bone there.  In the other direction, toward the periphery of the slums, you see many of the vehicles that were going to be used in the Death Race, they seem to have been just abandoned too. The race clearly never happened."
"What the hell is going on?"
"You see some movement, some people down below not far from you."
"I fly down."
"You see some catkids, maybe the ones who were with you before."
"Hey, you guys! I want to talk to you!"
"An interloper! Take him, for the Dark Queen!!"

-The Sky-Cleric flies off to try to avoid the catkids, only to have someone shooting at him from somewhere. He lands somewhere abandoned and contacts Roman with this tablet.
"Roman, can you tell me where my party is?"
"They went into the City of the Atheists. I literally can't contact them. I warned them not to go..."
"Why did they go then?"
"They're looking for Potion 21, which I told them to find..."




-"Can you do anything to help me with this?"
"I'll teleport you up here, but before I do, you need to know --- suddenly, there's a flash of light and you teleport away."
"I knew that would happen."

-The rest of the PCs are in the Black Pyramid, having entered a pocket plane that looked like a beach.
"OK, everyone split up and look around..."
"We search."
"You check out the area, suddenly you see a flash from the trees where Sami had gone to explore."
"We go over there."
"You see... the Sky-Cleric! Sami is nowhere to be seen, and he's standing next to a strange looking machine. The machine is labeled 'Substitution Activator', and the screen currently says 'recharging, 0%'."

-"Wait! Sami was with us, and now she's gone and the Sky-Cleric is here... I have a theory.. how come we've never seen Sami and the Sky-Cleric at the same time?!!"
"We have, lots of times!"
"Oh. Nevermind."

-"So the Sky-Cleric sees a hippie elf, a 3 inch tall pixie of some kind, a human boy, and Heidi."
"Are you guys a version of my party from an alternate universe?"

-"Where's Catboy?"
"This is him. He's Boyboy now."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Does this mean that The Man is now the Boyhunter?"

-"I check my tablet."
"No signal."
"I hope you're ready to be a warrior!"

-The PCs leave the beach, go through a hallway, and come out in an arabesque market town in the middle of a desert.
"Oh man... I hope there's..."
"Khlav Kalash!"
"Yes!"

-Heidi immediately buys an entire Khlav Khalash/Crab Juice cart.




-"What the hell is that giant floating eye over the town??"
"It is the Great Eye."
"Does it do something?"
"Yes. It punishes evil."
"Oh. Can we kill it?"

-"How does it work?"
"As soon as you commit a crime, the Eye floats down and says 'cease and desist' and then it disintegrates you."
"What if we just got the eye to commit a crime?"
"Paradox!"
"Yeah, then it would have to destroy itself."



-"Khlav Khalash!"
"No one answers."
"Khlav Khalash for sale!"
"No one cares."

-"So how do we leave here?"
"All around there is a desert. The desert nomads travel it. The only other way are the Veils."
"The veils?"
"Yes, in the town it is said there are five veils that go to the other world. But it is just a myth."
"It's not a myth. We came from one, over there at the end of that alley."
"Over there?"
"Yes."
"Excuse me..."
"I don't think he's coming back."

-"Free Khlav Khalash!"
"It's free?"
"OK, it's a hard bargain but you are clearly a very good businessman."
"We just came here through a veil."
"really?"
"yes, it's just over there."
"excuse me..."

-"We might be able to empty the whole city this way!"

-"Free Khlav Khalash and access to the veil!"
"You know where a veil is?"
"Yes."
"But to know where it is I need to eat the Khlav Khalash?"
"No, the veil is just over there. The Khlav Khalash is free though."
"Excuse me..."

-"A group of guys led by a dude in weird robes comes over."
"He is a priest of Zakoth!"
"You are blasphemers!"
"What's Zakoth going to do about it?"
"He will punish you for your blasphemy! We are the speaker of Zakoth! We are his arms and legs!"
"Is that his eye?"
"What? No, that's just the Great Eye of the bazaar. Zakoth is much more powerful!"

-"You are lying! The veil is a lie!"
"But the veil is right there!"
"No! There is nothing there!"
"These guys have arms and legs but no eyes..."
"That's Zakoth's eye up there!"
"Blasphemy!! That is not Zakoth's eye!"
"Then where's his eyes?"
"Zakoth has no eyes! He is omnipresent!"
"But then why does he have arms?"
"We are his arms!!"

-"Hey guys, should I poke the eye?"
"Sure, trans-warrior!"
"We could put C4 on the eye... but would that be a crime?"

-The PCs move away from the annoying religious fanatics and make their way to a caravanserai to spend the night. While there, they buy the freedom of all the harem girls.
"Masters, thank you!"
"No, we're not your masters, you're free now."
"But how can we repay you?"
"Well, help boyboy here get some, if you want."

-"Boyboy, roll a d20 to see how much you impress the half dozen harem girls you're spending the night with."
"Natural 1."
"You don't even manage to get your pants off."

-The rest of the PCs are sleeping split up in two different rooms. That night, deadly red oozes seep their way into both bedrooms as well as the harem room!
"The trans-warrior is on watch, and he made his perception check. He sees the red ooze moving into the room!"
"I shout to alert the cleric!"
"The cleric is asleep and your tiny chirping voice doesn't wake him."



-"Boyboy wakes up to screaming when he sees one of the harem girls is being smothered by the red ooze!"
"I grab my knife and stab the ooze!"
"You hit!"
"Finally Boyboy managed to penetrate something tonight!"

-"The dagger you used to stab the ooze corrodes!"
"But it's not metal, it's a wooden knife..."
"Wooden knife??"
"Well... it's actually a pointed stick."
"So you were just calling it a knife so people wouldn't make fun of you for fighting with a pointed stick?"
"Oh, Boyboy..."

-"Heidi, you woke up, hit the ooze attacking your room and killed it!"
"There must be more oozes attacking the others! I get up and immediately start putting on my armor."
"You know that will take like 10 rounds, right?"
"Yes."

-"Sky-cleric, the ooze is hitting you."
"I hit it with my mace!"
"You hit, but your mace corrodes."
"But it's magical!"
"It still corrodes. Now it's a +0 magical mace."

-"Now the sky-cleric has a -1 magical mace!"
"Damn it."

-"Heidi, punch straight through the wall!"
"You didn't need to tell me that, it was my plan all along!"
"No, not that wall! The other one!"

-"Heidi crashes right through the wall, Kool-aid Man style!"



-"At this point the cleric is more ooze than man!"
"If heidi slammed the ooze enveloping the Cleric into a wall, would that hurt the cleric too?"
"Yes."
"I do it anyways."

-"Boyboy hears Heidi crashing through the wall."
"Heidi's in danger! I put on my pants and head downstairs."
"The difference between Catboy and Boyboy is that Boyboy is socially obliged to wear pants."

-"What the hell happened?"
"They were Oozeassins!"

-"You guys stay here, I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"I have to check on the girls because they're tired after all the sex we had..."
"What's that stain in your pants, Boyboy?"
"..nothing.."
"He soiled the Pants of Speed!"
"It was a white ooze!"
"The lesson here is don't wear the Pants of Speed in a harem!"

-"Hey, we were attacked in our rooms by these oozes..."
"The servants of Zakoth!"
"Oh, so THEY are the eyes of Zakoth!"
"No, they're the ooze of Zakoth."
"Ewww..."

-The next morning, the PCs meet with a mystic who has a flying carpet. He tells them he can take them to any of the other "veils" that lead back to the pyramid.
"Can I have that carpet?"
"No, but you can buy it in the bazaar.."
"Holy shit! Shopping spree time!"



-The PCs buy a flying carpet, 82 healing potions, and a holo tv-projector.

-"Do you have anything else?"
"I have a magic amulet that can remove all sensations of regret."
"I WANT THAT!"
"BoyBoy beat Bill to it."
"Bill regrets nothing!"



-"Do you have anything that can restore the Trans-warrior to his own size?"
"I have this potion that will change your form, but it is entirely random."
"Do it!"
"You had me at random."

-"Drink it all!"
"The trans-warrior drinks it and turns... into a woman."
"Am I normal sized?"
"No. You're still 3 inches tall."
"The trans-warrior is tinkerbell now!"

-"Anything else?"
"Well... there is this Scroll of Resurrection."
"What??"
"It will raise the dead."
"But like, bring them back to life?"
"Presumably."

-"So we bought a scroll for 40000gp, but it might just make someone an undead."

-"Anything else?"
"I have... The Stuff."
"What the hell is The Stuff?"
"It is... the Stuff."

-Boyboy buys a debt-slave.
"So he's a bodyguard?"
"Well, he says he's a great fighter, and that he has a magic scimitar, but I've never seen him actually hit anything with that scimitar."
"Maybe they trained him wrong on purpose?"

-The PCs immediately free the slave, named Narfez.
"My name is Heidi. So would you like to go with us?"
"Where are you going?"
"We're going to go kill Zakoth."
"Where is he? Narfez will kill him for you!"
"He's like a god..."
"Narfez will join you in this worthy quest, and teach you many things!"



-The mystic leads the PCs to another veil, said to lead to the place "most taboo to the cult of Zakoth". They step through and enter a room with a gigantic gelatinous cube, along with some kind of priest and acolyte apparently offering it prayers!
"When you enter, the Priest turns in your direction, and the acolyte draws her weapon and rushes toward you all."
"Heidi will throw the trans-warrior right into the priest's eye!"
"What did you get on the deed die?"
"10!"
"The Trans-warrior slams right through the priest's eye, out the back of his exploding skull!"
"Yeah!"
"They he keeps flying and slams right into the gelatinous cube!"
"Oh."



-"Heidi will slice the cube in half!"
"OK, roll."
"Natural 20."
"You slice the giant cube right in half."

-"Narfez can't seem to hit with his sword to save his life."
"Oh?"
"Yes, literally. The acolyte just killed him."
"Damn. Easy come, easy go. Boyboy kills the acolyte with his railgun."

-Moving on from the cube room, the party reaches a room with what appear to be some cryotubes.
"Ancients?"
"Maybe. Watching over the tubes there's some dudes in what look like full black rubber outfits with gas masks."
"Weird."



-"We cautiously walk into the room."
"The rubber guys notice you and immediately start firing high powered darts at you!"
"They're just darts."
"Every dart automatically criticals."
"OH FUCK!"

-"The Trans-Warrior is dead!"
"What?"
"Yeah, my hit points were really low already."
"You guys just bought EIGHTY-TWO healing potions."
"Yeah, I forgot. My bad."

-"We use the Resurrection Scroll!"
"It works! With only two small side-effects: the Trans-Warrior loses 2 points of Stamina, and he's technically not alive."

-"So he's undead?"
"Yes."
"No, he's Trans-Alive!"

-"The Trans-warrior is a warrior and he's more fucked up by magical corruption than any wizard in the history of this 7 year long campaign..."
"He's a 3 inch tall undead woman now!"

-"Undead pixie women... there's probably a fetish about that."

-"I'm not dead, and I'm not alive... I'm more Neutral than ever!"
"They sent you to find the Neutral champion..."
"...and it was me!"



And with that bombshell, we end the session for today. Stay tuned next time to see the PCs undoubtedly causing many more disasters in the black pyramid!

RPGPundit

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