In our last adventure, the PCs had done an awful lot. They'd gone back in time, rescued the real Roman, an Ancient (as opposed to Fake-Roman who was just Zargon in disguise), and brought him (and some dwarves) back forward in time escaping the Disaster. They accidentally ended up 100 years in the future, in a nearly-dead world, where the surviving followers of Zargon and Sezrekhan fought among themselves while the Dark Ones closed in on the material plane, having corrupted the Crown of Creation and destroyed everything. They got back to the present, used the Grey Realms UFOe to travel to the Grey Realm and Roman's knowledge to upgrade the engines, and then were about to head up to the Crown only to find out (from Jal'udin) that Sezrekhan's Phylactery is now the Libram of the Ten Spheres.
Now:
-"You guys are desperately looking for a side-quest because you're so close to leveling."
-"I just realized most of us are currently on our most successful character of the campaign, or almost, except him.."
"Yeah, you can't accuse the Sky-Mexican cleric of being a successful character!"
-"Maybe Bill won't attack Nikos in the Crown, because Nikos isn't technically a Patron?"
"The Sword already made Heidi do it!"
"Oh right, I forgot. I guess I can't keep lying to you guys anymore."
-"Even without the Sword, Bill would try to kill Nikos, because he murdered his brother, Ted the Elf."
"Oh yeah."
"You had a brother?"
"Yeah, Bill was a nice guy before Ted died..."
"Right, sure..."
-"Sami is turning into a cat lady..."
-The party's UFOe arrives in Wisconsin.
"What time is it?"
"There's no sun so it's hard to say."
"According to the computer, it's always 'game time' in Wisconsin."
-While Sami, Zeke and Catboy join Roman heading into Gary Gygax's house, the rest of the party explores the town. They find a game store and go in. The place has a variety of heroic-looking dudes, playing tabletop games.
"Intruders!"
-"The leader of the gamers is an elf that looks nothing like the elves you're used to; you know, because he's noble and impressive."
-"Wait, I think I know some of them.."
"Holy shit, it's Bellmunster!"
"But he's dead!"
"Exactly, Wisconsin is where the souls of the heroic dead go..."
"How have you arrived here?"
"We have an Ancient!"
"An Ancient!?"
"Wait, is it a genuine Ancient, or is it some kind of child or mental defective?"
-"What about Grenoble, is he here?"
"He's in the church; the normal one, not the Presbyterian one. Like all good small towns, we have one church you go to and one you'd never step foot in."
-"Is Ackbasha here?"
"Oh goodness no."
-Meanwhile, Mrs. Gygax lets the other group in and they head to the basement to meet Gary.
"Hi Gary!"
"Oh, hello.. I.. *rolls* remember you guys!"
-"How did Bellmunster know I was Bill??"
"Well first he's freaking Bellmunster to begin with, and now he's like a Jedi Force Ghost or something!"
-"I'm going to live 700 years."
"What?"
"Yeah from nanites."
"Oh, wow. Those are very advanced nanites. Do they come from a civilization in the present?"
"No, thanks to Bill.."
-"Gary, have there been any problems you've detected with the Crown?"
"No, not since you took care of that business with Zargon and Sezrekhan. I sure hope your GM gave you 2 Luck points for that one!"
"He did, actually."
"He must be a kind and generous fellow."
"Um..."
"And I bet one of the best game designers since my day..."
"Actually, he's a bit of an asshole."
"Did you hear that he put the first trans person on the cover of an RPG?"
"Are we in an ad?!"
-"Would you like to play a game while you wait?"
"Sure, I'll be the fighter."
"Alright. And Mr.Bodean, I get the feeling you'd like to be a cleric?"
"Oh yes sir, I sure would!"
"And Catboy, you can play a deformed kobold."
"I don't like this game anymore..."
-"Sami, your fighter starts out with chain mail, a sword, and a stallion. Zeke you start with studded leather armor, a mace, and two vials of holy water. Catboy, your kobold starts with a stick."
"But..?"
"Hey, if you get lit on fire it acts like a torch!"
"Also, I know for a fact that a kobold with a stick can disarm a catboy with an AK-47."
"Now that's a call-back!"
-The others have gone to the church, which is full of clerics.
"Again, these clerics look almost nothing like the ones the PCs are used to, on account of being very religious."
-"Mortals! Get them!"
"Wait, an Ancient brought us here!"
"A living Ancient??"
"Yes."
"Not a child, or retarded?"
"Or both?"
-"So can you help us in some way?"
"You are on a most noble quest, so yes. We can pray for you."
-"Hey Grenoble!"
"Bill the elf!!"
"Hey now, we were friends."
"You were the cause of my death!"
"Yeah, but because of that you ended up here!"
-"We should kill them!"
"You can't kill us. The Halfling is a ticking time bomb of pee. He'll defile the entire plane!"
"I point a gun at his bladder, to make sure the clerics don't try anything."
-"One day perhaps you could end up here."
"No, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen."
-"Hey, I'm an Ancient. I know what I'm doing."
"I hope so."
"What could go wrong?"
"We're all dead."
-"I hope that maybe now that Nikos is sitting on the Throne of Creation he won't register as a daemon?"
"Yeah, cling to that hope."
-"You left, Catboy?"
"Yeah, I got bored, because it was a boring game. Not because my kobold died."
-Sami tries to contact Nikos and gets a natural 20!
"Hello?"
"Nikos?"
"Yes, I am Nikos!"
"Listen to me, I have to warn you about the book."
"The book?"
"Yes, the libram of the 10 spheres!"
"What about?"
"It's very dangerous."
"The book that was all fancy, on the throne?"
"Yes!"
"It is not here anymore."
"What?! Where is it??"
"Dwarf take it."
"What?"
"Dwarf take it."
"What dwarf?!"
"I don't know. He come here in biohazard suit, take the book with tongs. Cool guy!"
-"Can you send me to him??"
"No! I have to teach you valuable lesson now. Who you hate most in the world?"
"I don't know... I guess my mom, but she's dead. So, Zeke Bodean. No, wait, the Mexican cleric. No, wait.. the halfling! No, no.. it's Zeke."
-"You say many names there; I just going to pick.. the halfling."
-"We should really try to fix the halfling.."
"Suddenly, he explodes!"
-"Holy shit! Sami killed the halfling!"
"Why, Sami??"
"Why is it my fault??"
"You cursed him not to be able to pee, and he exploded. That's just science!"
"I like how it's Roman who just said that."
"It makes you start to doubt the reputation of the Ancients.."
-"Sorry dude, I rolled randomly, then gave you a luck check, and you failed."
-"So where is the Libram now, if some dwarf took it?"
"Bill?"
"It's somewhere on the material plane."
"Guess we're going back."
-Newbie time. The former halfling rolls up a Dutchman Drug Dealer, a Bharatan Stalker, and a Trans-mutant con-man.
"It's a cavalcade of stereotypes!"
"my trans-mutant will claim to be a 'grey' mutant, because he's colorblind."
-While the PCs are resting, suddenly Death appears in Bill's dream!
"Hey, I'm Death. And you're Bill the Elf? Man, I've been wanting to meet you. Huge admirer of your work. Actually, I know most of your former associates!"
-After warning Bill that something is about to happen that will end all life in the world of the Last Sun, he shows up in Catboy's dream!
"Hey, Catboy. I'm Death."
"Oh.. OK?"
"I just wanted to let you know, someone has hired a hit out on you."
"What?? Who?"
"A guy named Georges Wittelsbach-Lorrain-McClarion-Hoopy."
-"So, who has he hired?"
"Well, me! Or one of my agents, actually. See, I have these agents called 'death angels'."
"Oh shit.."
"Oh, hey, no don't worry... they're not really angels! They're more like super-enhanced killer mutants."
-"Well can you tell me anything else?"
"Oh yeah, the guy who's been assigned to kill you is called The Man Who Killed Catboy, and Then The Sky-Fuhrer."
"What?"
"Yeah, so that means that if someone stops him from killing you, they'd also be saving the Sky-Fuhrer's life, and that would pretty much make them a Sky-Nazi. So, you know, that's pretty bad for you..."
-"I like how in this campaign Death is clearly being played by Norm MacDonald."
-Nikos leaves a voicemail message on Sami's tablet, saying he feels bad that she lost her halfling so he's sending her the Hippomagus; but then instead of the Hippomagus he teleports over three newbies from Highbay.
"What the hell are we doing here?"
"You're becoming heroes!"
-Apart from Bill & Catboy's weird Death-dreams, everyone else had a good rest, excepting Zeke who stayed up playing with Gary all night.
"I played dungeons and dragons, it was advanced, and I won!"
-"Hey everyone, good news! Death is sending an angel to kill the Sky-Fuhrer!"
"Great!"
"Hey.."
"Oh, yeah, he's also going to kill Catboy first."
-"The Sky-Fuhrer is a monster. I mean, he's worse than you, Bill!"
"Challenge accepted!"
-"Guys, I think we should help Catboy kill the Sky-Fuhrer!"
"Thanks, Bill!"
"I'm not doing it for you, Catboy. I just can't stand challengers."
-"So what's the name of this guy who hired a death angel to kill you?"
"Georges something or other."
"Is that George ending with an e, or Georges ending with a silent s?"
-"I guess I should try to live a better life, to not end up in the Nether-regions when I die... nah, I'll just try to not to die, ever."
-"I need to kill the Sky-Fuhrer."
"That other guy is going to do it after he kills you."
"But I want to live..."
"Look, how many Sky-Fuhrers have you killed? None! Leave it to the professionals!"
-"Death said that if I kill the Sky-Fuhrer AND the guy who put the contract out on me, then he'll cancel the contract."
"Yeah, but we can't change the future..."
-The Dutchman Drug Dealer has a kilo of cocaine.
"Man, the last time I saw that much cocaine it was up Keith Richards' nose!"
"Holy shit, Keith is still alive? I guess if someone was going to survive the Disaster, it would be him..."
"Wait, is he an Ancient?"
"He's his own thing."
-"Computer, play 'Despasito'!"
"The computer only obeys Roman now, thank goodness!"
-Catboy connects to the interwebs: "have any of you heard of this guy?"
"LOL who this?"
"R U Gay?"
"..is this Catboy?"
"Oh, shit! I close the chat!! Wait.. what was his username?"
"ManWhoWillKillCatboyAndThenSkyFuhrer21"
-"I DM him: I would like to know if you could tell me who hired you?"
"Sure. I can help you. Let's meet."
"I don't like that idea of meeting, could we just work it out through DMs?"
"he doesn't respond."
"OK, OK, where would you like to meet?"
"Where are you right now?"
"I... I'm in the Shithole, in a comm station."
"The Shithole?"
"Yes."
"At a Comm uplink?"
"Yes."
"OK, I will meet you there soon."
"Sure, shall we say in two months?"
"I'll be there in less than 24 hours."
-The UFOe is back in the material plane, and heading down to the lower band of floating islands.
"Hey, there's a ship in range of us.. it's some kind of zeppelin with a weird symbol?"
"Sky-Nazis!"
-The Sky-nazis hail the PCs, thinking they're Grey Realm people.
"Guten tag, fellow superior race! Ve are sorry to interrupt your business, but ve are hoping you could be of help to us! Ve are looking for someone known as Catboy..."
"Catboy?"
"Ja. He is of great value to us. There is a reward if you can find him, but he absolutely MUST be brought in alive!"
"Ha! The Sky-Nazis know that the Death Angel won't kill the Sky-Fuhrer until AFTER he kills catboy!"
-"Um, yes we know something.."
"You do?"
"The catboy is a known associate of Bill The Elf. Bill is in the Grey Realms. I shouldn't really tell you this, but I'm loyal to the Jade Game Controller, and Bill the Elf is manipulating my leader with a nefarious influence."
"Oh, ja, you have intrigues in your regime. Ve have those too!"
-"Thank you very much for your help. Ve vill seig you later!"
-"We're causing a lot of chaos just to keep people from finding Catboy."
-"Bill, now that we're on the material plane, can you find the Libram?"
"It's somewhere in the limitless mountains."
"Keep closing in on it, we're heading that way."
"Oh.. shit.. it's in Anthraz's ruined city!"
"Wait.. they're.. oh shit!"
"They're going to Sezrekhan Anthraz!!"
-"We're almost there!"
"Wait.. it's gone again! The phylactery is on Sezrekhan's demiplane"
"So is Anthraz dead?"
"No. He was deleted."
"So Sezrekhan is Anthraz now?"
"Oh no!"
"What will we do now?"
"Wait.. THE LOOT!!"
-They arrive at the city, and find that the old abandoned palace where Anthraz lived appears to have exploded. Still, figuring there might be tons of loot, they start to explore the rubble.
"On the plus side, we don't have to return these rings anymore."
"We were never going to do that anyways."
-"So we're here to steal all the treasure from an old guy?"
"Yeah."
"You'll understand soon enough, Roman."
-"I like that now that they've lost all their spells and powers, the only special ability clerics have left is to appraise the value of objects."
-"Wait, Anthraz had thousands of Smithplium pieces? They weren't even invented until a few years ago.. how the hell did he get all that decades after retiring?"
"Royalties, probably."
-"Wow. We found a shitload of money!"
"On the downside, it's probably the end of the world."
-"Among the magic items you find a +2 Vorpal Longsword, with extra electrical damage, increased damage against dragons, detect evil, detect demons, and more!"
"Whoa. Mine!"
"Sorry, but it's also strongly Neutral. Anyone lawful or chaotic who touches it takes damage."
"So... only the catboy can have it?"
"I guess."
"It's a +2 Vorpal Longsword of Neutrality!"
-"The next item you identified is a Flask of Kobold Trapping."
"What?"
"It's a flask, when you open it in front of a Kobold it will suck it into the flask; then when you open it, for 10 minutes the kobold must obey your every command."
"I'll keep it."
"Really?"
"There's bound to be some weirdo who will want to have kobolds do something for them and will pay good money for it."
"Probably on Fuck Station Aleph..."
-"Did Roman want any of the magic items?"
"No, Roman is busy taking all of Anthraz's remaining medication."
-"We have to stop the corruption of the Crown!"
"Let's go to the sun!"
-The PCs are going back to Wisconsin, in order to get to the core of the Last Sun.
"Hey Bill, want to play DDR while we go?"
"Well, that might help me with my obesity."
"Yeah!"
"OK, let me just make a huge milkshake on the food machine first."
-"I steal Bill's sleep-rune, put him to sleep, and then carefully put his Daemon-Slaying sword behind the DDR machine."
-"I wake him up: Hey Bill, I just saved you from the sword."
"I'm going to punch you now..."
"I show Bill the sleep rune again."
"He passes out."
"You know you're only delaying the inevitable, right?"
"Yeah, just like with the Death Angel!"
-"Hey Heidi, can you check behind the DDR machine?"
"It's Bill's sword!"
"Bill's resting right now, you should hold it for him."
"OK, I pick it up."
"Now Heidi's controlled by the sword."
-Bill wakes up again.
"You keep it Heidi, I don't like being controlled by a sword."
"Oh, I guess it doesn't have any effect on me!"
-"Catboy!!"
"I hide!"
"Look, just give me the rune back."
"I say nothing."
"You know I could 'locate' you with a magic missile, right?"
"I throw the rune at him."
-"OK, fine then. You better remain hidden for a while if you know what's good for you... I probably won't kill him."
"You can't! If you did you'd be helping the Sky-Fuhrer!"
-"OK, anyone else doing any hijinks on the way to Wisconsin?"
"No, we're all hijinked out!"
-Heidi's player did a venn diagram of many of the PCs and NPCs of the campaign, along the circles of "trustworthy", "useful", and "sane".
"I like how Priscilla is completely outside of all three circles."
"You put Wurmtonge as 'trustworthy'? He is absolutely NOT trustworthy, that's his whole deal."
"Yeah, but we don't know that, do we?"
-Getting access to Gary's transmat, the party planar-teleports into the Sun. Republican Jesus walks into the Sun's transmat room, heavily armed, in response to the noise.
"Holy shit, Roman!"
"NO WAIT! This is the real Roman!"
"Hell yeah, Zargon!"
"No, no! He's an Ancient!"
-After some discussion, the party agrees with Bill that Sezrekhan may in fact not be intentionally responsible for the corruption of the Crown of Creation.
"So you'll let me try to contact him?"
"It's your funeral, but we aren't doing it on the Sun!"
"OK, we can beam him down somewhere on the surface..."
"No way, I know you guys! You won't bring me back!"
"Don't be dumb. I won't leave you, you're my dealer!"
"You can leave Heidi here and he'll make us bring you back."
"Hmm. Ok."
"Catboy will go with Bill to keep an eye on him."
-RJ is staring at the Sky-Mexican Cleric.
"Hey... do y'all need this guy?"
"No."
"Dude, have you ever considered becoming a Jesus?"
-On the surface, Bill contacts Sezrekhan. He sees a vision of Anthraz, in badass armor, wreathed in a fire halo, and surrounded by dead Brotherhood Assassins.
"Bill, time to talk your way out of this..."
-"Catboy is here!"
"Dude, don't mention me!"
"He was also one I had marked for death... but now I've heard that there's a Death Angel who's going to kill him and then the Sky-Fuhrer, so I'm just going to let that happen. I wouldn't want to do anything that would cause people to think I'm sympathetic with the Sky-Nazis."
-"You know the Crown has been corrupted by the Dark Ones, right?"
"..let me see if your story is true. It is! Blerm must have brought some kind of corrupted matter of the Dark Ones with him when he went to the Crown!"
"Blerm? Wasn't that one of the dwarves we saved from the past?"
"Oh shit."
-"Look, I want to still serve you, and we need to work together to stop the dark ones, but you can't try to make everything Sezrekhan again!"
"Who are you to tell me what to do?!"
"I just mean, if you do that again, even if it's not us, some adventurers are going to come and kill you again!"
"Nonsense. Next time I'll just have to craft an even more elaborate plan with an even smaller flaw in it!"
-"If you want to prove you are still loyal to me, you will have to slay the one who killed my previous body. You will have to kill Heidi!"
"...OK."
-"Oh, by the way, do you have my phylactery?"
"..I have your phylactery, yes..."
"I'm going to have to remember to Locate it later."
-"So what did Sezrekhan say?"
"He thinks the cause of the corruption was a dwarf with Dark-One AIDS."
That's it for this session; will the PCs be able to save the universe from the Dark Ones' corruption? Can time be changed? Will Bill kill Heidi?
Find out next time!
RPGPundit
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