Famous Pipe Smokers

Today's famous pipe smoker is not really remembered as a great intellect, perhaps unfairly so.
He's remembered as a klutz, in spite of being the most athletic person to hold his office in at least a century.

But the one nice thing people generally recall about him was that he was a pipe smoker!

That's right, President Gerald Ford was a pipe smoker!

And what a pipe smoker!! He smoked 8-10 pipes per day. For you non-pipe-smokers to understand this, get that I'm a heavy pipe smoker and I smoke 4-6 pipes a day. I could, maybe, smoke 8 pipes in a day but I can count the number of times I have in my entire lifetime on one hand and have fingers to spare. I don't think it would literally be possible for me to smoke 9 or 10.  And he did that every fucking day.

He also lived to be 93, the oldest U.S. president.

I think, pipe smoking aside, Ford was an under-rated president. A fundamentally decent man who was really the last of his kind in many ways. He was never elected to the office, and I think that even by 1974 it was already too late for someone like him to be able to win the presidency, though if he'd been running even 20 years earlier he would have been seen as a perfect candidate.

Gerald Ford was an old-school president. And one hell of a pipe smoker.

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Rhodesian + Image Latakia

Is the DM's Guild a Threat to the OSR? Or Will WoTC Be Doing The OSR's Job For It?

So the big news of the week is that Wizards of the Coast have released a D&D 5e OGL, and have opened up the Dungeon Master's Guild, a vehicle for fans of D&D 5e to self-publish material with some official backing, but which has caused a lot of controversy.  Especially, it has been controversial to the OSR, some of whom are highly critical of what they feel is like an attempt by WoTC to do a takeover of the independence and creativity of the OSR. Others are also suggesting it is potential exploitation of creative independents by WoTC.

So here's what is clear about the DM's Guild:
-to publish under it, you will have to write material for 5e D&D. It will have to be set in the Forgotten Realms.  So this means that there won't be very much room for creativity in system, and almost none in setting. You'll be able to make new items or spells, but you can't publish your own setting as a 5e product, or make a highly-altered set of rules; nor can you make an 'OSR' D&D and publish it under this banner.
-Publishing under the DM's Guild will mean that OBS and WoTC will take FIFTY PERCENT of your profits.  This is considerably more than the 30-35% you normally pay for selling your book on OBS.
-It appears that what you write under the DM's Guild will become open content, which means that other writers, or indeed WoTC itself, will be able to take it and use it without paying you anything further for it. In essence, it is idea mining for Wizards.
-It also appears that WoTC could take down your product if there's any reason they don't want it up. If there's controversial content, or if there's just content not fitting their agenda, it's out.  Not really surprising for a big corporation, but its worth noting that this is not going to be the "avant garde", it's going to be bowdlerized stuff.


But is all this a threat to the OSR?

I don't think it is. Unless Wizards tries to pull some kind of ridiculous legal maneuver and this whole DM's Guild is cover or justification for that.  But this is conspiracy-theorism, and the much more logical situation is that this is what it looks like: an attempt to a) Idea-Mine without having to pay creatives and b) Make a fast buck off other people's work by granting them the theoretical 'privilege' of using their mechanics, using their world, and using their logo/page.



Nor do I think that this will in any way replace the OSR.

But on the contrary, what MIGHT happen is that some content creators from the DM's Guild, that end up getting a little attention for having made something good or interesting, doing well for themselves in the strictly controlled environment of the DM's Guild could end up later moving to the OSR! People who didn't dare publish for themselves before, or who were overlooked, might be able to use the default 'publicity' of the DM's Guild to draw some regard.  And they might, once they've made a rep for themselves, switch to independent publishing, doing stuff under the OSR aegis, where they get to keep more of their own money and get more legitimacy as designers.

In other words, Wizards aren't the only ones who could end up using the GM's Guild.  WoTC might be doing free idea mining for us, over here in the OSR, finding creatives that we can later subvert and embrace.

The OSR might really be the ones getting something for nothing out of all this.

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking:  Ben Wade Canadian + Image Latakia

Everyjoe Tuesday: Beating Twitter Edition

This week, Twitter turned their 'verification' system (which was intended to just be a way for a well-known personality to show they are who they really say they are and not some guy who made a fake account) into a system of punishment and obedience, when they removed Milo Yiannopoulos' "Verified" checkmark. Not because he was an impostor, but because he had expressed right-wing views the ultra-leftist CEO and management of Twitter didn't like.

They came as close to UnPersoning him as Twitter's structure allows.

So conservatives and libertarians had a small uprising called #jesuismilo, that became the top trend on Twitter for a while, and then started talking a lot about how to find an alternative to Twitter.

This is something I have a bit of personal experience.  I succeeded in creating an alternative to RPG.net when everyone else failed.

So I thought I'd share some of my personal advice on how to make a successful free-speech social platform, as a guy who beat what was, in 2005, the RPG-hobby's equivalent to Twitter.

Enjoy, and as always please share, retweet, like, +1, or comment!


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Beverwyck

10th Anniversary Classic Rant: When Fashionable White College-Boys Try to be Buddhists: Buddhist "Vegetarianism"

I find it hilarious when I hear someone state something about a religion that they imagine to be true, but is in fact patently false. And of course, its even funnier if the person making the statement is an adherent.

What prompted the statement was someone on a forum I read today in a thread about Buddhism saying "I'm afraid that there's no way you could really get very far in Buddhism if you eat meat".

Well, now, that's very funny, given that historical records would seem to indicate that the Buddha himself ate meat. That it does not, in fact, appear as though vegetarianism became a significant part of buddhism until at least 500 years after the Buddha's death.
The oldest buddhist texts, and the oldest buddhist school still in existence, considers meat eating to be no big thing; and in the Theravedan texts there is a specific reference to "10 types of meat you should not eat" (including things like bear, hyena, tiger, lion, etc... but pork, chicken, beef, and fish were all allowed), and a text where one of the Buddha's followers tried to get him to impose vegetarianism on the Sangha (spiritual community) but the Buddha explicitly refused. Even monks are ONLY forbidden from eating meat if the creature the meat comes from would be killed specifically for the monks.

Note also that Vajrayana (tibetan buddhism) is meat-eating.

So let's see, you "can't get very far in buddhism" if you eat meat, unless you're talking about:
a: The Buddha
b: The Dalai Lama

Go back to Dharma School, Little White College Kid.

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Gawith's Winter Flake

(Originally Posted March 20, 2009)

RPGPundit Interviews Venger Satanis: Just What Do We Need Smut in RPG Books For?

I'm a huge fan of smut as a rule, but not so much in my RPG play for reasons I've already outlined before. "Eroticized D&D play" is not something you're likely to ever see at my gaming table.  But it's being increasingly pushed by a certain subsector of the OSR, specifically James Raggi, Geoffrey McKinney, Venger Satanis, and James Desborough.

So I decided to talk to Venger Satanis about it.  He, like me, is a wizard. Unlike me, he worships Cthulhu and the rest of the lovecraftian gods as if they were real. That may or may not be relevant here, but I love reminding people about it.

So, let's get started!


***


PUNDIT:  you could start by giving a brief description of what Alpha Blue is all about

Second, by answering the question: How does Alpha Blue approach eroticism in a way other rpgs don't?

SATANIS: Alpha Blue is a space station brothel in the 23rd century.  It's a bit like a futuristic Vegas, but everything about Alpha Blue (the setting and game) is meant to be viewed from a 1970's and 80's perspective.  Although, if I had to pick just one year, it would be 1979.  

Mechanically, it's a cross between Crimson Dragon Slayer and The Outer Presence.  Humor-wise, it leans towards CDS.  There are a lot of jokes and referential nods to nostalgic sci-fi packed in there and that's supposed to be half the point of playing it.  

What I've done with Alpha Blue is to just "go for it" with the attitude that I've got nothing to lose.  A larger, "professional" RPG company probably wouldn't include a table for sexual fantasies and fetishes or venereal diseases.  It's fun and sexy like an 80's raunchy lampoon film, but also a bit sick and dark in a 70's exploitation kind of way.

PUNDIT: Is it OSR?

SATANIS: It's quasi-O5R compatible. 

PUNDIT: Why do we need eroticism in RPG products?

SATANIS: Eroticism isn't necessary in RPGs, and I completely understand why most gamers wouldn't want to touch it with a ten foot pole (pun intended).  Listening to some old, bearded guy talk about his character's erection is not my idea of the perfect evening.  But, on the other hand, roleplaying is escapism, a way into a strange, new world that I prefer to the real one (most of the time).  But why escape if there's no chance for a hot and dirty time?

(not all the stuff in Alpha Blue is erotic, apparently; at least, I HOPE Venger doesn't find this erotic):

PUNDIT: You took, intentionally or not, that line about 'listening to an old bearded guy talk about his PC's erection" right out of my review of your previous product "How to Gamemaster Like a Fucking Boss". Given that you admit that 'most gamers' would not want to have this sort of thing in their game, why is this a somewhat repeated theme in your products?

SATANIS: I've heard similar reservations elsewhere (many times, in fact).  But yours was the freshest in my mind.  

There's a certain amount of squeamishness that must be overcome if one is going to pursue eroticism in gaming.  Personally, I think the rewards outweigh the potential gross factor.  Just like if a male friend was telling me about his date with another man.  My first instinct might be to think or say, "Yuck!"... but that's just my own personal preferences I've got to get over.  

Sex is a fundamental aspect of human beings and I think representing sexuality is a vital part of roleplaying games.  And to get even more personal, that's my jam.  Maybe it's because I'm part French or I went so long without a girlfriend (before teaching myself how to become a pick-up artist by reading books - NERD) or perhaps it's just the way I was born.  

Now that I'm married, watching porn, daydreaming fantasies, and roleplaying sex stuff are really my only ways of exploring unknown territory.  The fact that sex in RPG material is under-represented makes it a good business decision, too - at lest from an underground or indie perspective.

PUNDIT: I have to question how much of this is just attention-getting. Because seriously, the only people I see doing this stuff are people who have (even more than me) made a career out of courting controversy: you, James Desborough, and to a lesser extent Jim Raggi. I have to question whether you actually roleplay with these elements in your game. I have to question whether anyone does. I certainly don't. Zak Smith's group is full of porn stars and I'm betting even they have much better things to do than roleplaying out sex scenes.

So if you want to admit that this is all just for promotional value, and that your product has other virtues and you're just using sex to get attention for yourself and court controversy, fine. I'd be totally cool with you doing that, fooling the rubes and all, as a capitalist.  But if you're seriously arguing that that this has merit besides for publicity purposes, I have to ask: what is the merit? Why should it matter? ESPECIALLY if almost no one will ever ever use it, how can you claim that there is a value to having it?

SATANIS: No, it's genuine, alright.  If I wanted to make more money, I'd do something safe and boring.

Yes, I occasionally include various forms of sex in the games I run.  I don't beat anyone over the head with it, but those elements are in there and I'm cool if players want to pick up the potential bones I'm laying down.

Opening up the floor to sex also allows for love, cuddling on the space beanbag, lady and the tramp-ing a space chocolate milkshake, etc.  Just because XXX is ok, doesn't mean that PG13 is off the table.  

As for why it should matter... why should cleaving a person's skull in two matter?  Is it something I like?  Pretend there are two boxes.  One for yes, the other for no.  If I check the "yes" box, then I want to put it into a roleplaying game, campaign setting, or adventure.  One might just as well ask why there's nudity and sex in shows like Game of Thrones?  Because it's what a lot of people like.  

I might have been apprehensive about including naughty things in my games a decade ago, but now I'm like, "Why the fuck not?"

PUNDIT:  But RPGs are not HBO shows. Seeing Daenerys in a nude scene is very different then hearing the semi-autistic 340lb guy in the filthy t-shirt across from you at the table talking about how he's butt-fucking a barely-legal tiefling prostitute. 

I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH HER HOT FANTASY SCENES:

I WOULD NOT IN ANY WAY WANT TO EVEN HEAR THEIRS:

"Why the fuck not" is because having make-believe sex roleplayed in a game is awfully close to something like jerking off on the internet, and I wouldn't want to see even my good looking friends doing that.

Now, you have yourself admitted that most people, most gamers, will not be interested in doing this stuff at the table.

If you still want to cling to the notion that you're not doing this for publicity (I'm not denying that you could be doing it out of personal interest, but that doesn't mean you aren't ALSO doing it for attention), are you willing to admit that its likely the people who are buying this are buying it more out of some kind of 'collecting' interest than for actual use at the table?

SATANIS: True, RPGs are not HBO shows.  But, in my opinion, they're closer than any kind of board game, card game, computer game, or cosplay.  Immersion-wise, isn't a show like Game of Thrones what many of us are trying to emulate?  

Using your example of the 340lb semi-autistic filth guy... I would rather not have him describe his character's platemail.  In fact, I'm not sure I want his dice co-mingling with mine on the game table.  Sometimes, a Game Master doesn't have a choice.

If roleplaying sex is like jerking off on the internet, then wouldn't talking about sex with friends also be like jerking off on the internet?  I don't know about you, but I've never gotten an erection from hearing about a friend's hookup or discussing strategies for making a move on the first date.  Sure, roleplaying sex can be uncomfortable or disgusting, but it can just as easily be beautiful or satisfying or rewarding.

I'll admit that the attention doesn't bother me.  Recognition is awesome, so I'm glad to have it in whatever form it comes in.

I hope the majority of purchasers are using my works in some capacity, rather than just taking up room on a bookshelf.  Ultimately, though, that's for the owner to decide.  I can't force him to run a session of The Islands of Purple-Haunted Putrescence.

Maybe a paradigm shift is approaching, and 10 years from now sexual content in RPGs will be the norm.

PUNDIT:  Finally, what about those gamers that most definitely DON'T want to add in descriptive RP about erotic encounters to be played out on the table? Does Alpha Blue have anything for them that would make it worthwhile to purchase anyways?  How easy would it be to divorce those things from the smut?

SATANIS: The eroticism and sex can definitely be downplayed.  As in, the diplomat assassin named Qarl needs to get information from an Alpha Blue satisfier named Lyssa.  Instead of going into any detail, the Space Dungeon Master and player can agree that "they hook up".  Afterwards, Qarl searches around Lyssa's pad, looking for clues.

Can Alpha Blue be used for something completely different?  Well, it's not suited for hard sci-fi (no pun intended) because the rules are so light and interpretive - I would describe them as neo-old school.  But if a group simply wants an easy-to-play 70's sci-fi simulator without any kind of sex stuff, emulating Star Trek (even though that was the late 60's), Blake's 7, or Space: 1999, I think there's still a lot of value to be had.  However, Alpha Blue might not fully blossom until you add in stuff like Ice Pirates, Flash Gordon, and The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue.

Alpha Blue is on sale Monday, January 11th at DriveThruRPG.  1/11 is Kort'thalis Publishing Day!

*****

So, this concluded the interview. Satanis said, in a hopeful tone "maybe 10 years from now sexual content in RPGs will be the norm".  

I sure fucking hope not. Is that the "norm" you want to see in this hobby? Do you want us to become like the Furry-fandom hobby, which went from samurai adventures and ninja turtles and sci-fi stories to being best known for illustrations of diaper porn, "cub bondage", nine-penised fox-herms and other fetish stuff that completely swamped and washed away any other theme in (or value to) the genre?

Do we want RPGs to be about going into dungeons to kill orcs, or watching your fellow players describe intimately just how they're engaging in a three-way watersport gang-bang with them? 

What do you think?

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Oversize + H&H Beverwyck

the RPGPundit's Awesome Noodle Soup

Don't expect a lot of this, it's one of the only things I cook.

Heat a pot of water.

Add a curry spice mix, MDH's "Kitchen King" is strongly recommended, one or two little spoonfulls.
Add Harissa (dry), a big pinch.
Add a big pinch of mustard powder.

Add a knorr stock cube (whichever you like will work, my favorite is fish..

Add a big spoonful of Sesame Oil.

Chop up a small piece of ginger into little cubes, throw it in.

Cut up a quarter of an onion, throw it in.

Cut up a quarter or half of a red pepper, throw it in.

Put in the noodles: rice noodles, linguini or ramen will do. Do not bother with the ramen mix if you choose the latter.

Break an egg into the soup, break the yolk in the soup and stir.

Add a serious dollop of Sriracha.

Get some very thin cuts of meat (I like capicola), cut into little pieces (so as to fit on a chinese spoon).

Add some other hot sauce (or just more sriracha).

Get a piece of cabbage. Cut it up, but not too small; again, in spoon-sized parts. Throw it into the soup.

Add a splash of soy sauce.

Make sure to stir a bit, then turn off the heat.

Finally, add a tiny tiny splash of chinese rice vinegar (white or red).


Enjoy! I sure do.

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: nothing, I'm eating soup

DCC Campaign Archive: The Presbyterian Council! Into the Gnomish Netherworld! PLUS The Return of Bill The Elf!

The last adventure had found the party severely separated. Ack'Basha the Cleric had been summoned by something called the Supreme Council of the Presbyterian Church, the Dwarf Wizard had been arrested by the Yard on suspicion of murdering everyone at Norrington Manor, and the Weaver had been taken prisoner by the Sky-Nazis.  At the same time, Alice (the last surviving child of the Ancients) had been captured by the Dark Ones (revealed last adventure to be dreaded Gnomes!) and taken to their Gnomish Netherverse.  The Gnomish Netherverse was the plane of the Last Sun where the Gnomes had first breached this reality from the Void Beyond, and it was utterly consumed by them and made into a twisted twilight realm of their nightmares.

Now:

-Ackbasha meets the Presbyterian Council, who turn out to be a denomination of Clerics that believe in pre-destination. He quickly figures out that this means they're mostly useless as human beings.

-The Presbyterian Council governs a large city of humans called The City of Reasonably Efficient Plumbing.

-They kidnapped Ack'basha because they think he is pre-destined to go stop a Tarrasque from awakening from its magical slumber.  Apparently Grenoble the cleric had imprisoned it on an isolated island in the Mid-Inner Ocean some 150 years ago, but now the activities of the Party Pandas threatens to wake it.

-The Dwarf Wizard and the Weaver, meanwhile, are each being interrogated by their respective captors. Although the severity of the interrogations are quite the contrast with each other.
In the Yard: "We can get pretty tough with you, you know: for example, no tea for you!"
In the sky-prison of the sky-nazis: "strip the skin off his genital slowly!"

-Ack'basha requests that the council bring his friends over to help him. The Council summons the Science-Presbyterian, who informs them that said friends are no longer in Norrington Manor but he will search for them. Meanwhile the Service-Presbyterian (who is passively contented to be 'predestined' to a life of menial servitude) leads Ack'basha to some quarters where he can rest.

-Ack'basha gets an idea and asks the Science-Presbyterian to find a teleport BOLT-0 to him, expecting (correctly) that BOLT-0 would still be where they'd last known him to be going, in the dragon cave in Yeti Country.

-"BOLT-0 IS QUICKLY REMEMBERING WHY HE LEFT THIS CITY"

-The Weaver and the Sky-Obergrupenfuhrer who is interrogating him develop a rapport over their mutual interest in crafts and crochet. The Sky-Obergrupenfurher is quite pleasantly amazed to hear that the Weaver is actually a pre-Disaster human who had been preserved all this time in suspended animation.

-The Sky-Obergrupenfurher decides to contact the Sky-Marshal with the news, and leaves the Weaver in his most comfortable torture cell, to be lightly whipped by a leather-clad blonde named Inga while he is given some Sky-Nazi reading material:  "Volk Und Blud Magazine", "Sky-Reich Weekly" and the Sky-Fuhrer's seminal work "Mein Struggle With Childhood Obesity".

-at the Yard: "So you're expecting me to believe that out of nowhere, Gnomes just showed up and Murdered everyone?"

-"I didn't summon the gnomes!"
"Then why do you have lobster claws for hands, eh??"

-"Could we somehow bring Alice back to life from the realm of the dead, if the Gnomes have killed her?"
"IT IS LIKELY THAT IF THE GNOMES SLAY ALICE, IT WILL BE FOR HER DELICIOUS DELICIOUS SOUL".

-The Weaver has informed the Sky-Nazis that there was an Ancient child at Norrington Manor, but she was kidnapped by Gnomes.  As the value of a true Ancient would be immesurable to the Sky-Nazis, the Sky-Obergrupenfurher decides that they must return to the manor, and calls on the SS-Runenwizards.

-He has other plans for the Weaver, however: "As a pure-bred human, you are to be taken to Sky-Base-1 of the Sky-Reich, where you will be made to breed with physically perfect Aryan women for the rest of your long life!"
"you know, I'm cool with that!"

-Suddenly, the Weaver is teleported away from his promised future of Sky-Nazi breeding, as he has been found by the Presbyterian Council!
-"But I was supposed to breed!"
"Clearly, you were not predestined to do so!"

-"Fuck me, I've been cock-blocked by the Presbyterians!"
"If you were cock blocked, it was by G.O.D., long ago!"

-"with great power comes great responsibility..."
"But I can only cast Ropework!"

-The Presbyterian Council will determine whether they are pre-determined to be determined to assist the PCs.

-Meanwhile, the PCs are teleported to the island of the Tarrasque, where they encounter the Party Pandas who appear to be busy with a neverending dance party to the tune of a song called "what is love".

-while the other PCs try to carefully observe and negotiate with the Party Pandas, endeavoring to explain to them that not only their lives, but countless others, will be doomed if they awaken the Tarrasque, the Weaver just decides to cut out the diplomacy by running through DJ Panda with his laser sword.

-The Party Pandas immediately turn feral and start to attack the party, but they're scared off by Ack'basha's invocation of Divine Aid.  Bolt-O smashes all their sound equipment, and the PCs destroy everything in the Panda village, except the barrel of Ecstasy pills, which they keep for themselves.

-Back at the City of Reasonably Efficient Plumbing, the PCs learn that the Presbyterian Clerics don't really have an armory, but they do have a collection of comfortable orthopedic shoes.

(extra credit: Mr. Rogers was a Presbyterian Minister He believed most of the children he talked to on his show were predestined by God at the dawn of time to be doomed to eternal hellfire)

-"BOLT-0 WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU KNEW HE HAD A BOWL OF COMMANDING WATER ELEMENTALS INSIDE HIS CHEST COMPARTMENT!"
"Do you want me to talk about the other things I saw in there?"
"BOLT-O IS NO LONGER INTERESTED IN CONTINUING THIS CONVERSATION!"

-Meanwhile, Sezrekhan brings Bill the Elf back to life, in a new body, with the mission to infiltrate the group and recover the Ancient girl, if she's still alive!

-the Presbyterians conduct a ritual to open the portal to the Gnomish Netherworld in the Weaver's torso, prompting BOLT-0 to tell Weaver "REMAIN STILL WHILE BOLT-0 GOES INSIDE YOU"!

-They arrive at the Gnomish Netherworld, a photonegative world of barren landscapes, giant hills of piled-up underwear, and fairy-tale giant trees with cute little treehouses on the branches.

-The disguised Bill The Elf arrives at the Supreme Council and gets to go through the portal just by telling the Presbyterians "I'm predestined to go through this portal".

-Once through, Bill presents himself to the PCs as "Blade", a demon-hunter.

-Before the PCs can really question his story, they are immediately attacked by a band of sand-surfing killer gnomes, led by a commander named Fizzletwist Staffpounder.

-Bolt-0 summons a massive Water Elemental.

-"Oh great, another great huge loud thing... there goes the element of surprise."
"BOLT-0 LIKES THIS THING!"

-Bolt-0 and the Elemental go off to make a big distraction, while the PCs sneak into the giant Gnomish tree. Bill/Blade makes use of his gnomish-impersonating amulet. Beneath the tree there's a huge high-tech complex.

-They find their way to a room that has a button indicating there's a "super happy funslide".
"Nothing is going to be super-happy in here."
"It might be, for the Gnomes!"

-sliding down it, they end up in the complex's trash pile and get attacked by an undead Gnu.

(I google image-searched for "undead gnu" with ZERO expectation of finding something, and yet...)

-defeating the Gnu-skeleton, they get out of the trash pit, up an escalator, and find their way into a place filled with little red hats. Among these, there are some hidden Gnomish assassins, that go after them with flame-throwers!

-Forced to cast spells to save the group, "Blade"/Bill-the-elf tries to convince the group that he's a special 'demon hunter' class taken from some obscure sourcebook or something.

-The group makes their way into another corridor, where they're attacked by an Elemental Snowman!
"So wait, the gnomes attack us with flamethrowers first, and then their second line of defence is a snowman? Did they not think this through??"

-They find the Ancient girl, trapped inside a dark magical triangle, in a room filled to the brim with gnomes!  But they use some divine aid to teleport Alice out of the room and into the hallway, drop a huge choking cloud in the room and then run like hell.

-They hear a war horn sounding behind them and soon they have gnomes surrounding them at each turn, requiring a brutal running fight.

-They run into special forces gnomes, specifically, the Hyperdiabetes-inducing Cuddly Death Gnomes!
"I'm going to run past them!"
"Ok, but you realize that would generate Hugs of Opportunity?"

-They manage to get into the next room, but then Blade/Bill's "ward portal" spell works a little too well, and ends up getting them locked in.

-They manage to use a laser sword to burn their way through, and after facing some gnomish snipers, they get out of the complex and manage to get away (after a frightening encounter with some blinking gnome statues).  They get back to the portal only to almost get themselves garotted to death by gnomish assassins with little red scarves. Even so, they finally make it out.

-"No, you can't cast Ward Portal on the Weaver's torso".

-The Weaver wants to be sent back to the Sky-Nazis and their appealing-sounding breeding program.  Since his body has a portal that could spew deadly gnomes from it at any time, the Presbyterians are only too happy to oblige.

-As soon as he is happily reunited with the Sky-Nazis, the Weaver lets slip that Alice the Ancient girl is alive and staying at the Presbyterian Council.

That's all for today, stay tuned for more DCC goodness in a couple of weeks!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Horn + Gawith's Navy Flake