Well, I got some good responses to my little review video, and I've been thinking about starting to do more of these, and also to do a kind of talk show.
But for today, I talk about my recent experience being at the center of a huge Internet Outrage Shitstorm, all because I dared to say that people who don't play D&D aren't actually part of the D&D hobby. See my reasoning behind it, and why I think the response to this perfectly simple statement tells me we might need to start a "#DnDGate" movement.
Check it out:
And let me know what you think!
RPGPundit
Currently smoking: Raleigh Hawkbill + Image Virginia
This is a special kind of issue, because if you've got the Dark Albion setting, you already own pretty much everything in here. These are the same domain management and mass combat rules as found in the Dark Albion book, with the exception that they've been altered to not be specific for Albion but generic for any Medieval-Authentic OSR game.
Why did I issue this supplement? Because I figured there might be some people who'd like having a set of easy, semi-abstract rules for handling large territories through political, military and economic mechanics, and for handling mass combat battles, for Lion & Dragon or another OSR game, but who (for whatever crazy reason) did not want to buy Dark Albion.
So fine, here they are. The complete rules, stripped of references to the Rose War or Albion in particular, for you to make use of, for just $2.99!
En el descabellado mundo del Último Sol, los seres humanos son una raza en peligro de extinción. La era del Gran Desastre provocó un daño ecológico enorme al mundo. No sólo murieron gran cantidad de humanos, sino que muchos más mutaron en horribles monstruos y razas monstruosas. Crea personajes mutantes para tus partidas gonzo, desde los Mutantes de Color y los Dorados hasta los Veganos y los Mutantes de Barro. Determina sus capacidades especiales, como cíclope, verrugoso y psíquico.
The session started out with Crazy Miller showing just how crazy he really was. He hired the Cowboys (specifically, Johnny Ringo via Curly Bill Brocius) to assassinate Texas Buck, the wealthy rancher who'd married his childhood beau, the Countess (her title coming from her first marriage). This was after the Countess had been nothing but trouble for him when she was in town. In spite of that, he was hoping that if her husband was out of the way she might come back to him.
This turned out to be a crucial adventure-altering event, because it caused Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo to be out of town.
Meanwhile, Kid/Doc Taylor and his business partner Buckskin Frank Leslie had completed the construction of the Cosmopolitan Saloon & Hotel. And it was pretty magnificent.
Having invested thousands into it, they had really pulled out all the stops, and this included hiring a real French chef as their cook. Surprisingly it quickly became a hit with the Cowboys, partly because while Curly Bill was not a man of high society, he was a man who enjoyed fine food. The Cosmopolitan was right across the street from the Grand Hotel, where Frank Leslie's mistress worked, so it was really ideal for them in every respect.
Marshal Fred White came to see Other Miller, asking his help to go arrest a Cowboy named Springer who had murdered another man after an argument at the poker table in the Tivoli bar. This could be problem, since the Cowboys were meant to be above the law in town, but murder was still murder.
Miller sent Jackson to go looking for one of the Cowboy leaders to try to negotiate a peaceful surrender; unfortunately, Curly Bill wasn't around because of that aforementioned contract Crazy Miller had him working on. So the only leader-figure that Jackson was able to find was Ike Clanton and his brothers.
Ike Clanton was no Curly Bill. He decided that the Cowboys "didn't like no lawmen telling them what to do", and picking Jackson (a black man) as the messenger was about the worst choice Miller could have made. So pretty soon, Other Miller and Marshall White were facing nine Cowboys all demanding that they let Springer go.
Luckily, Crazy Miller came along, and decided to bank some of the cachet he had with the Cowboys to convince Ike that it would actually be better if he showed his own control of the situation by having the cowboys themselves lead Springer to the jail. After much discussion, Ike finally agreed; and after that he suggested that Crazy Miller join him in going to the Clanton ranch to talk to his Pa, and explain what had happened.
Now, Old Man Clanton looked like the most hillbilly motherfucker that Crazy Miller had ever seen:
But after about 10 seconds of talking to him, Crazy Miller realized that Clanton acted like this guy:
He even had three kids who were all morons (no midget, though). Anyways, Crazy Miller suddenly realized much more clearly how the Cowboys had managed to become the most powerful gang in southwest US history.
Pa Clanton had a serious talk with Miller, having realized that in spite of his huge eccentricities, he was also a crafty bastard in some ways like himself. He knew that Tombstone was changing; that damn silver strike was bringing in all kinds of carpet-baggers from back East, hated Republicans and captains of industry who would be trying to force out the Cowboy ways, and that he'd need allies to stop that. In a year, Tombstone was scheduled to have its first mayoral election, and Pa Clanton had heard that a group of mining-industry businessmen had asked the famed adventurer and die-hard Republican John Clum, the only man who had managed to single-handedly capture Geronimo, to come to Tombstone to open a new (Republican) newspaper (the Tombstone Epitaph, which would act as a counterpart to the Cowboy-friendly Democrat paper the Tombstone Nugget). Pa strongly suspected that they would try to present Clum as the Republican candidate for mayor; and he wanted to present Crazy Miller as the Democrat candidate. Crazy Miller wasn't too keen on this idea, but it became pretty clear to him that the most powerful gangster in the region had just made Miller an offer he can't refuse.
Back in town, Doc Taylor had been visiting the Earps, trying to spread gossip about how Crazy Miller was in bed with the Cowboys. He decided to join Morgan Earp in going to greet John Clum, who was arriving. They were eager to meet the great western hero who had bested the frightful Geronimo, expecting to find a rough tough frontier die-hard. Then they met him:
Suffice it to say that he didn't look like what they expected. But Clum pretty quickly showed himself to be a tough man of law & order. His first priority was going to be to start his paper, condemn the cowboys and set up a Tombstone Vigilance Committee of private citizens opposed to the criminality of the region. So he looked like this:
But really acted more like this:
Worse still for Doc Taylor, Clum recognized him as Kid Taylor and knew he'd been part of the Dodge City Gang under Hoodoo Brown in East Vegas. He was not impressed. This couldn't have come at a worse time for Taylor, who had been already networking with some of Tombstone's businessmen to try to get himself into a position of being a "pillar of the community" (his current personal goal).
He decided he was going to try to get Virgil Earp on board with the Vigilance Committee, as a way to get back in the Republicans' good graces.
Another way he hoped to get back into the good books of Tombstone's better class was to try to convince a local German blacksmith to sell his plot to a businessman named Adams; the blacksmith had thus far refused to sell. Taylor wined and dined him with his french chef that night, but unfortunately for him the blacksmith didn't budge.
Later that night, Kid Taylor got a knock on his door. It was his partner, Buckskin Frank. Something had happened at the Hotel. Their chef had apparently killed a man, and then fled. They got to the hotel and found the body of a man who had been staying there, in the kitchen, very clearly beaten to death with a frying pan. Fred White had already been brought in. They soon found out that the chef had apparently gone over to the OK Corral and stole a horse.
Things went from bad to worse when the Cowboys found out. They loved the chef and demanded that he not be sent to hang. Doc Taylor distracted them by sending them on a wild goose chance to Crazy Miller's Argent Saloon. Then Taylor, Buckskin Frank, and Virgil Earp rode off to look for the Chef, who was not an experienced rider, and who seemed to be trying to dash off in the night heading for Mexico.
The Cowboys were causing quite the ruckus in the Argent, and Crazy Miller tried to keep them occupied with booze. Other Miller, meanwhile, decided he'd had enough of the Cowboys' nonsense and went to bed.
The posse found the chef after several hours; he'd caused his horse to stumble, and both the chef and the horse had broken their legs. The horse had to be shot, and the Chef was arrested for murder and horse theft. It didn't look good for him.
It took the posse till morning to get back to Tombstone, and shortly after they'd gotten the chef in jail, they found themselves surrounded by a mob of Cowboys demanding his release. Virgil Earp was quite willing to shoot any Cowboy that tried to move forward, even though they were outnumbered ten-to-one. But Crazy Miller and Doc Taylor decided to momentarily set aside their differences, and convinced the Cowboys to stand down, pointing out that with the chef's broken leg there wouldn't even be a trial for a week or more until the Doc judged him fit to stand trial, and that Curly Bill would be back by then.
Then Doc Taylor, unwilling to lose his chef, found the owner of the dead horse and bought it off him for $100, to be able to avoid the charge of horse theft. There was still the matter of the murder, though as the chef told it that had been in self-defense, as the murder victim had come into the kitchen aggressively angry about a sandwich he felt had been made not to his liking. When the chef argued with him the man came at the chef with a knife.
The whole thing was resolved with a very lucky turn: Morgan Earp and Fred White had investigated this guest, and found that he'd signed into the Cosmopolitan hotel under an assumed name. He was actually a man wanted in Texas, with a price on his head: $500, dead or alive. This meant that the chef was not only a free man, he was $500 richer for it ($400 richer after he paid Taylor back for the dead horse). When the cowboys found out, they hurrahed in glee that their favorite cook was a free man, and carried the chef on their shoulders back to the hotel for some breakfast.
So the whole situation was resolved without a shot fired. It was still a very significant session, as the PCs suddenly found themselves involved in the emerging political situation in Tombstone, and realized they would soon need to take sides.
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake
We all know that England is famous for raining, an awful lot. The Dark Albion setting, being a fantasy version of England, is no different!
(this is what they call one of the lovelier summer days)
Now, I know what you're thinking, a little rain never hurt anyone, right? True, but a lot of rain can be positively deadly for a medieval party on the road.
First though, let's figure out how often it rains, and where. This is an important image to check out, although its contemporary and not medieval, but even if the numbers would be slightly off the general pattern would still be mostly correct:
Take note that some areas, specifically the mountainous areas, and the less populated regions, have heavier rainfall. There are two important things to note in this: first, it is not a coincidence that the area of heaviest population is also where there is less rain. Too much rain makes a place less livable.
Second, and important for Albion campaigning, the isolated wilderland places are the places that get the worst rainfall!
In the period where Dark Albion is set, Europe was at the start of a slow but steady cooling period that would end up having major climate effects on the population. One of the reasons for this was that with the cooling period came increased rainfall. The "little ice age" caused serious decrease in crop yields and increase in famine that kept Europe from being able to repopulate after the devastation of the Black Death, and there is ample historical/archaeological evidence of mass abandonment of villages in highland regions throughout the British Isles in this period. Entire communities ceased to exist because of this.
Now, we can't get specific information on medieval weather patterns at the level we're used to today, but this being an RPG and not a history lesson, we can wing it with an approximation. See the brown areas on the map above? Let's say that during the summer period there's a chance of 2/6 that on any given spring/summer day it'll be raining. If you wanted to be more precise you could maybe switch that to 4/10 in springtime, and 2/10 in summer or early autumn.
The non-brown areas would get rain on a 3/6 on any given day; or if you prefer, 5/10 in springtime, 3/10 in summer/autumn.
In either case, if you generate a rainy day, there's a subsequent chance of 4/6 that it's only a partially rainy day (it only rains lightly, for only a few hours); otherwise, it's heavy rain, that lasts throughout most of the day.
Why does all of this matter?
When it's raining, especially if it's been raining heavily, or over several days without ceasing to give time for things to dry, there are several problematic results for adventurers on the go. First, the dampness can affect equipment: under heavy rain, bowstrings (regular and crossbow) and other equipment can become unusable. Even arrows can be wrecked by rain as they absorb the damp and become heavier. Now, most bowstrings would be treated with beeswax to make them more resistant to rain, and quivers were made to be closed and sealed as waterproof as was possible at the time. But this does not completely prevent the harm, only mitigate it. When it's raining, bowstrings have to be removed, and arrows sealed up. This means that if the PCs don't do this for some reason, there's a very high chance (4/6?) that their missile weapons will be wrecked. Adventurers in this period should know about this, though, and if they were smart would take precautions; but this means that in the case of a random encounter, they won't have their missile weapons ready for action.
And of course, if your PCs are of the lucky rich sort to have firearms, this is at least as big a problem when it comes to gunpowder. If your powder gets damp, it won't fire. In seriously wet conditions, even if you've taken care to store your powder and pistol/rifle carefully, there's a 4/6 chance that a gun will simply fail to fire.
Even if you manage to get a shot off, be it with bow or with powder weapon, firing in the rain should cut your range by half. Note that visibility is seriously decreased in the rain as well, by one-third in light rain to one-half in heavy rain, so the range reduction becomes partly academic.
Are your PCs travelling with a cart to take all their extra equipment there, and all their loot back home? Remember that only the most significant of main roads had any kind of protection from rain; if they're going on most medieval roads, rainfall will muddy up the whole place, and reduce travel times by half as well. There'll be an additional 1/6 chance every hour of travel that the cart will get stuck in the mud and require strength checks to push/pull it out.
Horses are elegant creatures, but if its raining heavily they won't be able to go on most terrain at more than a walk; and if you try to charge with a horse at an enemy in the rain, some type of check will be required to avoid disaster.
Are the PCs traveling in the mountains? Rains can cause mudslides. Any time that its been raining for at least two days in a row, there's a 1/10 chance every day of heavy rain of getting caught in one while in mountainous areas. A saving throw is required to avoid getting knocked down by one and taking 3d6 points of damage (if you're on a horse, there could be additional damage from falling off).
Are the PCs heading to a river? Rains can cause rivers to flood. Any time there's been rainfall for more than five days in a row, or heavy rainfall for three days in the past week, there's a 4/6 chance that the river will have flooded, making crossing almost impossible (except perhaps at major bridges).
Can your PCs manage to get to a town? That will sure be good for their survival in the rain. If not, they're stuck trying to build a fire and shelter in pretty sub-optimal conditions.
Wilderness survival skills must be rolled, at a penalty depending on light or heavy rain, to successfully build a fire. If you can't do it, then even in the summer night, heavy rain can cause bitter and harmful cold.
Any time that a PC sleeps outside in rain (light or heavy) without some kind of shelter and the warmth of a fire, there's a 1/20 chance of becoming ill. This would be some type of flu, most likely, but remember that back then this was a pretty dangerous thing to get, without adequate rest and medical attention. Saving throws should be rolled to recover, with penalties if the PC is not able to get rest (in a warm and DRY environment!) and bonuses if they are getting attended by a doctor. Failing would mean that the disease evolves into life-threatening pneumonia, which would leave the PC flat on their back for at least a week or two, and would require further saves to avoid decline of Constitution and possibly death.
Now of course, snow is as dangerous as rain, at least, and even colder. And in this period it certainly snows in Albion during the winter (with the cold getting worse as the campaign period progresses). But there's a simple reason why we focus on rain and not snow: you'd have to be INSANE to go traveling through wilderness in the winter. That's something to remember in your campaign in itself: PCs should spend the winter close to home, and not out adventuring; travel would only be short and in safe areas (safe being defined in this period not as actually safe, but as places where you could get from one village/castle to another in under a day of winter travel). If your PCs insist on going out adventuring in mid-winter, feel free to hit them with everything they deserve.
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Raleigh Hawkbill + Image Perique
So, we've had a couple of reviews that suddenly came out at the same time, for a couple of different RPGPundit Presents books!
Interestingly enough both of these were for 'Last Sun' products in that line. I get the feeling that DCC fans are getting increasingly turned on to the Gonzo material of my Last Sun campaign world, which of course began at first as a DCC campaign.
As of our last session, the PCs were returned to their place in Space/Time, by BOLT-0, before they could get any reward for having saved the continuum from a Dimension Bug incursion. No sooner had they arrived, as the Catboy was kidnapped by Anema, who has fallen out again with Fabritzio the biker-Wight revolutionary.
Now:
-This is the 5th anniversary of the DCC Last Sun campaign! As with last year, we had a celebratory cake.
"The cake was thanks to Vizi/Bill's player. Which is fitting, as Bill is the only surviving character from the start of the campaign."
"Well, surviving is a strong word..."
-"So the only one who saw you being kidnapped was the Vegomagus."
"'saw' is a strong word, he's blind in the Sun."
-"You know, it's not just that the Vegomagus is blind in the Sun, it's that his cyber-eyes are constantly being blinded. He's in constant pain!"
"Yeah, that's hilarious!"
-Heidi, Sami and Vizi are catching up with Roman and Captain Harry, and the Jesuses.
"So, do you chaps think these time dinosaurs will be after me?"
"Oh yeah, we made sure of that."
"Bugger."
-"You left Mongo unattended? After he ate Chocolate Jesus last time?"
"It's not like he'll eat any of the rest of us. We're not delicious."
"Aren't you the guy who said 'eat my flesh' and 'drink my blood'?"
-"Where are our companions?"
"I knoweth not; I hath chosen to avoid them."
"You have chosen wisely."
-"They were near the hydroponics lab."
"Hydroponics?"
"They grow vegetables."
"Yeah... vegetables... if the federal government asks, that's what we grow. Vegetables."
"I'm surprised, Republican Jesus. Aren't you supposed to be against weed?"
"Nope. It's very popular in the heartland. We just don't talk about it in public like the hippies do."
-"I hear the Vegomagus, not far from here, crying desperately for help. We should go the other way."
"Agreed."
-Roman, Vizi and Republican Jesus are smoking some of the 'vegetables' in the hydroponics lab.
"So we can understand the Time Dinosaur language now."
"Wow. It's supposed to be a very complex language."
"Yeah."
"Some have speculated it's actually a composite language, composed of the combination of their incomprehensible squaks and the movement of their tiny dinosaur arms."
-"We ought to be getting Anema and Fabritzio back together, and getting ourselves to the Crown of Creation... but then I got high."
-Roman seems worried that BOLT-0 might have said something about him.
"You know, BOLT-0 tries to act all funny and quaint and likeable, but deep down he's a complete asshole."
"Huh. Sounds like Roman looking into a mirror..."
-Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anyone, Anema has left the Sun with Catboy, and the two have ended up in a high-tech city, populated by a super-advanced utopian Kobold society.
-"This place wasn't like this at all the last time I was here. It was a pretty little valley, with cute fuzzy creatures who tried to poke me with pointed sticks!"
"Yes, our early encounter with you united our fighting clans, and we gradually developed over thousands of years to this advanced state you see today. It was thanks to your interference."
"Wow, so you worship me as a goddess?"
"We used to. We have now moved beyond that and long since realized you were actually just a very advanced entity."
"Wow. Well, ok!"
-"In order to keep our society safe, we have created a complex system of force fields, camouflage fields, and interference against magical detection. Thus, our valley remains hidden to all."
"They're wakandan kobolds!"
-"By any chance, has your advanced technology ever invented a machine that can suck a soul out of a wight and put it back in its owner?"
"No.. but given enough time and experimentation, we could make such a thing."
-"Although we usually do not allow outsiders into our culture, because of her role in creating our civilization, we welcome Anema and her companion!"
"I'm Catboy."
"That's self-evident."
"No, I mean that's my name. I'm also called Meow, or Catabra."
"Do you have any name that isn't a pun?"
"...no."
-"So wait, your force-field thingy means that no one will even know we're here?"
"The Kobolds look horrified that the founder of their culture uses the word 'thingy'."
-"I guess we'll stay here, if it means no one can find us! That way, I'll have time to get to know my new boyfriend better..."
"You're a super-entity, why are you interested in romance?!"
"You kobolds are boring. I'm ashamed that I created something so boring."
"It's alright. We still respect your role in the founding of our culture, we just think you're our inferior now. We've evolved past you."
"That's OK with me, I'm a catboy, everyone thinks I'm inferior!"
-"I'm curious, does the catboy's penis have--"
"No! That's a level of detail we won't be going into in this campaign. Who do you think I am, Venger Satanis?!"
-Meanwhile, Sami finds Mongo, sound asleep in the gym, still clutching a very perturbed-looking rabbit.
"I'll try to pry the rabbit out of Mongo's hands."
"He's got a death-grip on it. The bunny looks up at you with sad eyes, as if telling you to that it's too late for him, and you should leave it behind and save yourself."
-Black Jesus finds Sami and Heidi, having found out that Anema is missing. He then goes off to find Vizi and Roman, but they're still in the hydroponics lab, and then Black Jesus gets high.
-"Hey can you make some vanilla ice cream?"
"Motherfucker, what did I tell you?!"
"Oh fine, chocolate then?"
"Now that I can do! SHAZAM!"
-The PCs come up with a plant to trick Fabritzio into being jealous of the catboy and wanting to go 'rescue' Anema.
"What we need to do is make him think he's the hero and protagonist of the story, but really we're manipulating him at every step to fulfill our agenda."
"Yeah, Captain Harry, you're right and... wait a minute!"
"We know you're trying to do that to us, Harry, we're not dumb!"
"No, of course you're not."
"Stop that!"
-"we'll need someone to keep an eye on Mongo."
"Maybe Mexican Jesus? He's usually the one we get to do jobs that no one else wants to do."
-Sami goes off to see Fabritzio.
"Anema has run off with the catboy? ...well, what do I care? She is stupid!"
"I mean, who would choose a catboy over such a sexy wight?"
-"You're really taking this maturely, Fabritzio. It is remarkable how maturely you're handling losing to the Catboy. Especially since he said he thinks he's better than you."
"Anyways, she's probably in some evil empire that needs overthrowing, and no one wants to be bothered with that job."
"yeah, but you should just stay here."
"No! I will go with you. First I will overthrow this evil empire, and then I am going to kick the crap out of this catboy!"
-"You manipulated Fabritzio very well, and absolutely of your own free will.."
"Shut up, Harry."
-The PCs decide to arm up before going down to the surface. Republican Jesus shows them his hangar-sized armory.
-"This backpack that RJ gave me must either be camo colors or have the American flag."
"It has both, actually."
"That's the American version of 'compromise'."
-"Wearing armor is for pussies. The real way to go into combat is bare-chested and wearing a headband."
-"Can you tell us anything about this, Harry?"
"Well, I seem to remember the history books said something about Anema running off with a catboy. That's the only mention of him I recall."
"That doesn't bode well for the catboy!"
-"So after this we go to the Crown of Creation, right?"
"Well, I wasn't much of a reader, but I seem to recall there were many other parts to this story before you got to the Crown."
"Goddamnit!"
"Yes, the ancient chronicles were often criticized for being too long with endless side-quests."
"Harry, why the fuck did you end up being the time traveler if you're not good at history?!"
"Family connections."
-Anema and the catboy had sex.
"Well... that was really.. sweet."
"Hah, we know what that means! Anema thinks you sucked, catboy"
"Oh.. so I suppose you'll want to go back to Fabritzio, Anema?"
"Oh no! I didn't mean it that way, sweetie. Aww, you're so adorable when you look at me with those pathetic eyes. It makes me want to comfort you!"
-"I guess we should go to this ceremony the kobolds are putting on in your honor, Anema."
"Yeah. Then after that we can come back here and try again!"
"You say that like I failed!!"
-"you're so insecure, catboy. You shouldn't let the rest of your party push you around!"
"You're right, Anema."
"You should stand up to them!"
"Yes dear!"
"You shouldn't care what they think and just do what I want!"
"Yes dear..."
-"So what sort of things can you kobolds do with your supertechnology?"
"Well, for example, our primitive lifespans were about 15 years; but now we use nanites to extend our lifespans to centuries."
"Really? Can you use those on me?"
"Certainly.. stand there."
"Wait.. you're not going to probe me, are you?!"
"No, that beam of light was the whole process."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, we have long since moved beyond both the technological need for probing and the sense of humor that would find the probing of others to be funny."
-While Anema is being praised by all the Kobolds, someone sneaks up on the catboy and threatens him with a pointed stick. He immediately surrenders and lets himself be taken into an alley. His kidnapper is a scruffy-looking antisocial kobold.
"Alright, don't try anything, I'm going to search you."
"I don't have anything of value!"
"You have a machinegun, a laser pistol, and I can see at least a half dozen other weapons."
"Oh, yeah those."
-"And just to review, the catboy was armed to the teeth but let himself be kidnapped by a guy who just had a pointed stick?"
"A guy about half his size, yes."
-"My name is Jezzro. I'm a Kobold traditionalist. We have become decadent and weak because of our technological advancement. We can only return to greatness by rejecting everything that has made our world a utopia!"
"Sure, that makes sense."
-Jezzro leads Catboy into a building and then down into a concealed bunker.
"Sit on this chair."
"It's a tiny kobold chair."
"Ok, then sit on the floor."
"Do you have a bed?"
"Beds are for weak men who prize a soft society. I sleep on straw. Well, nanite-generated straw, but it's still straw!"
-"So are you guys terrorists?"
"There's really just me. Well, me and a few other people who sympathize with me. We talk a lot about old stories on a communication network."
-"If you let me, I can call up some people who'll totally destroy your culture just by showing up here."
"Really? An external enemy... yes, that could work!"
-"We're calling this place Kobowanda."
-Jezzro contacts the Utopian (Kobowandan) Leadership and reveals his terms.
"The Catboy has been kidnapped by a malcontent named Jezzro. We thought of him as troublesome but incompetent."
-The Catboy is allowed to speak by radio with Anema.
"Anema, can you call my friends to get this guy?"
"You.. you need all your friends to save you from one kobold?"
"Oh.. um.. yeah."
"OK.. no I mean it's ok, I don't want you to get hurt. I'll get your friends, and they'll save you... since you can't save yourself."
-Sami uses divine aid to find Anema. It works! But then moments later Anema contacts them anyways.
"Typical."
-"Anema?"
"Quick, I need you to save the Catboy!"
"What? No!"
"Too late! I'm teleporting you."
-Fabritzio immediately wants to overthrow the Kobold Utopia.
"Anema doesn't want the overthrow, though."
"Anema wants a lot of things, but she was the one who brought us here, and she should have known the second she did that, this whole civilization was doomed."
-"I think Anema is actually a bit tired of the Catboy."
"Well yeah, she's been with him for almost an entire day."
-While the PCs are busy chatting, Anema and Fabritzio take off, assault a flying car, and head to rescue the Catboy.
-"So, science kobold, where can we go assault someone for a flying car?"
"Please, you don't need to assault anyone! We can just give you transport."
"Oh.. OK."
"Hey, I just remembered we can fly with the jetpack!"
"You just wanted to assault someone."
-"I don't know if it's a good idea to leave Republican Jesus unsupervised."
"Well, Roman is with him."
"That's worse!"
"Well, Captain Harry is there."
"That's worse!"
"Well, Vizi is.. you know, never mind."
-Catboy was tied up in the bunker, but then he hears shots upstairs. He manages to break out, only to find some kobolds dead, and Jezzro missing. At that point, Heidi & Sami arrive.
"What are you doing free?"
"Yeah, you need to be captured again to make Anema sick of you!"
-The Catboy sneaks away while Heidi & Sami debate on how to force the catboy back into imprisonment.
-"Get back here catboy, or I'll throw grenades at you!"
"Get back here, Catboy, or I'll have you fixed!"
"the Catboy is cat-hiding."
-Heidi catches the catboy and they throw him back into the bunker and seal it.
"Remember, you never got free."
"Remember, snitches get stitches!"
-"So for us to get to the Crown of Creation, Anema and Fabritzio have to bone, while in love, in the Sun, while we have the sunstaff attached to open the gate to the supernal triad?"
"Yup."
-"We should have Fabritzio cuck the cat right in front of him so that Anema loses all respect for him."
"Hey, I'm right here, you know!"
"Yes, we know."
-By the time the PCs catch up to Fabritzio, he's helped the Kobold Jezzro put together a whole revolutionary brigade!
-Heidi & Sami force the catboy to act like a wimp in front of Anema.
-Seeing that Fabritzio and Anema seem to be doing well, Heidi, Sami and the Catboy decide to leave them alone and go back for the others.
-The Kobold authorities are still not convinced of any real danger. They also don't have any kind of real police force, much less an army. They're thus likewise unwilling to give the PCs any nanite augmentation that they might want to use for violence.
"We will simply send some probes to find Jezzro, disable him, and then take him in for mental alteration to fix his obvious instability."
"Oh, sure, go ahead. I'm sure that plan will work..."
"Good! We shall proceed."
"In addition to violence and humor, they appear to have evolved past sarcasm."
-"All our probes have been destroyed!"
"Oh no, we totally couldn't have predicted that!"
"If only we could help, but we're not strong or fit enough, without nanites..."
-"We do not understand. Why would Anema herself be helping to destroy the culture she was partly responsible for creating?"
"She might be controlled!"
"How could an entity as powerful as Anema be controlled?"
"Seriously, have you guys not spent at least 5 minutes with her?!"
"Yeah, she's not the brightest entity in the bunch..."
-"How do we know you will help us?"
"Trust me, we promise we want Anema and Fabritzio back on the sun more than anyone."
"How will you accomplish this?"
"By Any Means Necessary!"
-"Don't you trust us? We're heroes."
"Yeah, did you hear about the Evil Overlord of the Badlands?"
"No.."
"Exactly!"
"You're welcome!"
-"We'll be able to do this, but you'll need to enhance our strength, or speed, or endurance, or whatever..."
"It sounds like you're just using us because you want stuff."
"Yes! Exactly."
-The Kobolds relent, and use their nanite beams to increase Sami, Heidi and the Catboy's strength, Agility and Stamina.
"OK, let's go!"
"Wait... could the kobolds be monitoring us?"
"Why would they?"
"You know if they were concerned that we plan to betray them.. not that we were going to of course!"
"You're talking out of character there, right?"
"Yes."
"Then why are you lying? I'm the GM, I know you're planning to betray them."
"We're not lying to you, we're lying to ourselves."
-The PCs, with their newfound enhancements, just head back to the Sun, leaving Fabritzio and Anema to bond by destroying the entire kobold civilization in a savage uprising undoing thousands of years of social development.
"It was hard, but we did this to save the world."
"You did this to get stuff!"
"Well, yeah, at heart I'm still a hooker."
-Sami is wracked with guilt to learn of the destruction of the entire utopian kobold culture. She goes looking for Mongo and finds him in the (non-hydroponic) garden, with Mexican Jesus.
"Has he behaved himself?"
"Si."
-Heidi, the Catboy and Roman go looking for the Vegomagus, who has been missing all this time, lost and blinded in the enormous labyrinthine corridors of the Sun.
"Why do we even want to find him?!"
"He has the Sunstaff."
"Oh. Shit."
-After a few hours of searching around, they find the Vegomagus splayed on the ground, unconscious, and badly dehydrated.
"Is he alive?"
"Let me kick him."
"meep!"
"Yeah, he's alive."
"Ok. So should we take the sunstaff and leave him?"
"Yeah."
-"It seems to me that the more advanced a civilization is, the more vulnerable it is to be utterly ruined by you PCs."
"True."
"Well, no, I mean, Lol is fine."
"How is it fine?! It's much, much worse than it was when you found it, and had an attempted robot extermination and two violent revolutions!"
"Well, I mean, it's still as fine as it could possibly be after encountering us."
-"How did you like the destruction of the Kobold civilization, RJ?"
"Hell, we did what we did to protect democracy, and make kobolds great again!"
-"On the plus side, Anema and Fabritzio seem to have totally rekindled their attraction."
"Yeah, Anema is attracted to Fabritzio's blind brutal spirit of action, compared to the wimpier and less manly nature of certain others..."
"oh shut up!"
-Sami finds the Sun's bar, and has a somewhat disturbing talk with Roman. She can't get him to admit what his real agenda is, but it's glaringly obvious to everyone he has an agenda.
-"Yo, Anema's back!"
"With Fabritzio?"
"Yes. It looks like they were getting it on."
"Quick, drag them into the sunstaff chamber!"
-"So now that we're headed to the Crown of Creation, I should get the demonslayer sword, right Harry?"
"Well, yes, but be careful, Grandpa!"
"What are you worried about?"
"Well, unless grandma was very naughty, if you die fighting Sezrekhan I'll cease to exist."
-"I want to see if Harry vanishes. If not, it means Heidi was being cucked! You know, like me."
-"Hey Republican Jesus, can you bless our weapons?"
"Sure, put them in a pile."
"Sami, are you going to put your Sanctuary spell in the pile?"
-"Wait, before we go, should we try to get allies?"
"Which ones? We've killed almost everyone we know."
"Well... what about Blitzkrieg and Space Bear?"
"They wouldn't really be useful without a skyship."
"What about Max the bard?"
"Come on! Max is living out his dream in the warden's citadel. Let's try to leave ONE person better off for having known us!"
-Everything is set up; Anema and Fabritzio are in place, the sunstaff is active... and then the party gets an ERROR message.
"Oh what the fuck?!"
"Its ok, I can bone Anema like three or four more times still!"
-"What happened?!"
"Apparently there's a safeguard in place. If there's an open gateway from the Qlippothic Realms in the material plane, then the gateway to the Crown of Creation won't open until it's closed."
"Well where the hell is there an open gateway to the Qlippothic realms?!"
"Oh crap... I know where. In the kingdom of the Demon Zozzsz."
"goddamnit. Another freaking side quest!"
"Told you so."
So on that bombshell, we ended the session. Next time, the PCs are going to have to go into a whole kingdom of demons to somehow disable a permanent plane to the infernal underworld. Expect hilarity to ensue.
RPGPundit
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