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Saturday, 10 January 2015

DCC Campaign Archive: You Can Cast Anything You Want At the Darkness, But You Can't Cast That

In this week's adventure, our stalwart heroes (who were deep within the lost Dwarven Machinehold, surrounded by Brain Eaters) learned:

-That an elven prisoner, driven mad through the death of their patron, will begin to act more irrationally than even normal elves do.

-That said prisoner's tooth-on-a-stick is not a magic wand, its just one of their own teeth, on a stick.

-That they are now one car-tire-shoulder-pad away from being characters in a Mad Max movie.

-That you cannot, in fact, cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

-That you can, in fact, fire blasters at the darkness.

-That you can also cast Choking Cloud at the darkness, throw a grenade at the darkness, toss an axe at the darkness, throw a Tooth-on-a-Stick at the darkness, and even cast darkness at the darkness.  You can even curse the darkness. You just can't cast magic missile at it.

-That Brain Eaters are non-copyrighted tentacle-headed monsters from the void that eat your brains.

-That a pit trap becomes pretty irrelevant when you find out that Brain Eaters can also levitate.

-That Brain Eaters are pretty godawful at Interior Design.

-That when a Cold Mutant taps your shoulder and says "excuse me, meeester", it probably means another Cold Mutant is about to hit you on the head with a club in a coup attempt.

-That a band of Dwarven warriors on a quest to retake their homeland will never give up, even when there's only one dwarf left, and said homeland is infested with possibly hundreds of Brain-Eaters.

-That brain eaters are telepaths, but also communicate through tentacle-waving zoidberg-like "BLUBBLUBLUB" noises.

-That trying to use Ventriloquism to simulate said "BLUBLUB" noise will have little effect, even if you try to do it in what you imagine would be a 'seductive' tone.

-That switching to beatboxing blublub noises will be even less effective.

-That the Lord of All Flesh is totally on board with invoking his power to result in Brain-Eater tentacle porn.

-That, disturbingly, servants of the Lord of All Flesh eventually figure out how to weaponize their Patron's orgiastic excesses; and more disturbingly, nick-name it "Sexy Time".

-That once you've rescued the Azure Order novice that was to be sacrificed at the sky-rock alignment to put out the sun, it's time to get the hell out of tentacle-town for the sake of saving the world.

-That if the last remaining Dwarven Prince is determined to stay behind and fight to retake his homeland, you might as well spellburn-drain him to death and take all his stuff.

-That Sezrekan approves of Dwarven Regicide

-That Sezrekan wouldn't really go so far as to call the Azure Order "dicks"; dangerously naive, hopelessly optimistic and annoyingly altruistic, sure, but not dicks.

-That when he has absolutely no choice, Bill the Elf will reluctantly do the right thing.  The "right thing", in his mind, being not killing the innocent Azure Order novice and not teleporting away while abandoning all his team-mates to a grizzly tentacle-filled demise.

-That you might save the entire universe twice, and that still won't get you a seat on the Azure Order High Council. It's enough to make certain wizards turn to the dark side, if they hadn't technically already done so long ago.

-That the Azure Order believes in co-operative co-teaching in their instructional seminars.

-That the downside of casting "Patron Bond" at the figurative darkness is that you might just end up with the (extremely senile) King of Elfland as your Patron.

-That one thing you should never try to do is be an "indian giver" with Sezrekan.

-That referring to the Lord of All Flesh as "Fun" during an Azure Order seminar is highly likely to earn you looks of extreme suspicion from the High Council, and not likely at all to help your chances of eventual political advancement in said order.

-That getting funny looks from everyone in the order might mark a good time to consider getting some distance from the order, especially when you've started to grow extra mouths in all the wrong places.

-That for some reason, Bill the Elf believes Planar Step works best when cast from one bathroom, to another bathroom.

-That when you show up in Ice Dome Zero, and there's a mob of angry Cold Mutants waiting for you, there's at least one guy in the crowd that will shout "Kill them!!" in answer to absolutely anything you say.

-That it's really really hard to tell with Cold Mutants, whether they're saying that the dwarf Feld has died, or is only visiting a series of local regional landmarks that all sound like colorful indigenous euphemisms for dying.

-That promising to restore lights, heating, and food to Ice Dome Zero can eventually win over the new "Decider" and earn an uneasy truce with the Cold Mutants... though there'll still always be that one asshole who keeps shouting "Kill Them!".

-That the Cold Mutants have no need of this Elven drink they call 'mocha cappuchinos', because they drink the congealed blood of the land-whale.

-That actually, upon tasting this Elven drink, they realize that the congealed blood of the land-whale tastes like absolute shit.

-That apparently, Feld son of Feldstein has not died in some flowery euphemistic way, and has in fact managed to run off somewhere with all of Tiamat's Treasure Horde, after somehow blowing a hole in a magical barrier that should have been impossible to open.

-That revenge and the recovery of this vast treasure can wait, while the PCs first recover from their recent ordeals, and while Bill The Elf uses a combination of high thaumaturgy and narcotics to create his new wizard staff, called "the Primo Staff".

-That to his great pleasure, the staff manages to have the special effect he desired: that of causing extreme psychedelic disorientation to anyone it comes in contact with.

-That to his infinite regret, these effects diminish on an individual over time the more frequently they come in contact with the staff, as they build up a tolerance. Because Bill the Elf mainly wanted to use his staff on himself, a lot.


Currently Smoking: Italian Redbark + Image Latakia


  1. Elvish mocha cappuchino? I've seen someone misread "elvish barrister" from the Professions table as "elvish barista," did that happen intentionally here?

    1. You could say that in a way. Before the campaign even started, I read that and thought "barista" and then came up with the idea that in my DCC world all the elves are useless Hipsters, essentially the "Trust fund babies" of the Last Sun, living in the (illusory) security of their Dome (cities) where their every need is cared for by machines and they are free to argue about fashion, drink increasingly complex beverages and pretend they're writing a novel. The whole thing being a long slow decadence, since the Ancients and G.O.D. went mad and the Dwarves were driven out of their Machineholds by the Dark Ones, so there's nothing to keep the systems the Elves depend on going. Most of the domes already failed; the remaining elves in the remaining domes happily whittle away their lives on trivialities not realizing that the machines they depend on will sooner or later screw up and then they'll all be dead because of how useless they are (or almost always, there's in each generation a handful of useful elves, among which we hope are the PCs).

      Later on in the campaign it was revealed that there are more than just one type of Elves: There were, beside the Hipster Elves, also the Smug Elves and the Emo Elves, both of which also live in domes. There was also, apparently some great kickass empire of warrior elves known as the Pythian Knights, who totally destroyed themselves (it would seem) several thousand years back. They had fleets of sky-ships and apparently lived up on the flying rocks that orbit the sun. It's not yet clear what relation, if any, these elves had to the Dome Elves.