Thursday, 5 February 2015
DCC Campaign Update: "Some Sorta Apocalypse Now Scenario"
In today's adventure (slightly shorter than usual due to character creation and a long dinner), the bold adventurers found:
-that Bill the Elf has a long term plan to commit extremely slow genocide on the Cold Mutants by having them execute their own "Decider" over and over again.
-that it seems kind of silly to do an Invoke Patron to try to get Sezrekan to grant you some kind of magical item of 'comprehend languages' when you're sitting on a pile of high-tech elven Universal Translators.
-that all Elven technology makes the same 'boop beep' noises when they're in use; while Dwarven tech makes more of a 'bzz bzz' noise.
-that the "old wise woman" is pretty much the same character in every tribal society they encounter.
-that G.O.D. had, for the first time in maybe ten thousand years, something to say other than "There's an Emergency going on!" or "It's still going on!".
-that unbelievable as it might seem, Marvin the Cleric (who isn't even very high level) is The Chosen One.
-that what he has apparently been charged to do by G.O.D. is to plug in the Sacred USB Cable, after bringing it to the Church of St. Ignatius of File Not Found.
-that it would appear that this is an attempt by G.O.D. to "reload from an earlier version", which would be bad news for any of the Daemons. So naturally, half the party is secretly working against this sacred mission that could heal the world.
-that no one is quite sure just where the Sacred USB Cable is; but it was last in possession of Archdeacon Hill, a high-level cleric that, according to G.O.D., has become too perverse to fulfill his function as the original Chosen One.
-that incredibly, the yokel Jethro Bucket does in fact know where to find Archdeacon Hill: at a place originally known as the Cave of Tranquility, where his tribe (the Bucket Tribe) live.
-that apparently, Hill's "perversion" is that "he's done set himself up in some sorta Apocalypse Now scenario where we all worship him and give him our most attractive cousins".
-That the Bucket Clan are not named because they wear wooden buckets on their head (only Jethro does that); but rather because the entire Tribe is one large massively inbred family. Bucket is just their last name.
-That the Lord of All Flesh is seriously worried about G.O.D.'s plan, but can't really think of any solution other than to give his agent claws for hands. Among the daemons, Sezrekan was always the more tactical thinker of the bunch.
-that in spite of humanity's 'endangered species' status, the Buckets have thus far survived because of three simple policies: 1) kill all intruders to their territories, 2) worship Archdeacon Hill and his Old Time Religion, 3) marry their own cousins.
-That Jethro Bucket is ultimately OK with betraying and slaughtering his entire nation/extended-family so long as he gets to keep his attractive cousin, Cindy Lou Bucket.
-That Archdeacon Hill might have been hot stuff once, but one massive Magic Missile later and all that's left of him are his designer boots.
-That the Buckets are pretty ferocious fighters, but most are also too damn stupid to simply walk out of a choking cloud.
-that when Bill the Elf makes the tactical choice to blow up Cindy Lou Bucket, he finds himself obliged immediately afterward to kill Jethro too.
-That, the Bucket tribe mostly wiped out and the Archdeacon just a pair of smoking boots, the PCs are now free to recover the Sacred USB Cable, as well as the huge piles of gold and jewels that the Archdeacon had been hoarding from the yokels for the last several decades.
-That the PCs must now, to get to the Church of St.Ignatius of File Not Found, cross through the area which was once known as the 'peaceful plains', but which they learn is now referred to as the Pampas of Destruction. They have been warned it is full of dangers, but none so terrible (according to local lore) as a vicious sloth with an automatic weapon of some kind.
-That, however, their first run-in is not with the rumoured sloth but with a horde of 70+ Zombie Gauchos (on Zombie Horses and all). It was commented that they're like the Argentine version of the "white walkers".
-that Marvin the Cleric is in no way reassured by the notion that, since he is the "Chosen One", it will mean G.O.D. will protect him, since all known evidence points to the contrary.
-that even a horde of that size can be taken down, through careful use of Divine Wrath combined with a clever application of the sequester spell, and a bit of good old fashioned ultra-violence to kill off the stragglers.
-that as they approach the ruins of the ancient Port of GoodWind, the gentle and sweet stream which has nurtured them thus far turns into hideous polluted mess, and the pampas into a grotesque swamp.
-that while most of the PCs are distracted trying to view the ruins of GoodWind from a distance, they are almost taken by surprise by a pair of savage River Trolls, identifiable by their rubbery skin, hideous stench, and red-and-white t-shirts.
-that 75 Zombie Gauchos are no trouble, but two River Trolls can damn near slaughter a party of experienced PCs. They have a lot more experience with hooliganism, after all.
-that while he's pretty well useless in combat, Dr. Theobald the Apeman is a valuable guy to have around during a River Troll attack; because he knows the River Trolls' regenerative power can be stopped with fire, and his quick experimentation reveals that the polluted river is in fact so polluted as to be highly flammable.
-that with most of the PCs severely injured by the time the River Trolls are slain, and a couple of the new 0-level guys ready to level up, the party decides to stop before reaching Port GoodWind, to continue on their quest next time.
Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Horn + Gawith's Navy Flake