So, in our last session, the PCs had just gotten out of the city of Lol, after finding out the secret to how to open the monolith on Gebo. They went to that asteroid, opened the gate, and entered a dark labyrinth where they had to fight some horrific negative-energy bugs. During the fight, they were assisted by the Hippomagus!
Now:
-"Fuck Sami's player's lifestyle choices. Why the fuck would anyone rather have explosive diarrhea than play our DCC game?"
"Yeah, especially since the experience is largely the same."
-"Who are you?"
"I'm the Hippomagus!"
"Oh yeah! We're here to find you!"
"No we aren't."
"We're here to get the Sunstaff."
"Oh! Right. That was like 5 quests ago, so I got confused."
-"We'll have to trick Rataxos to get the Sunstaff."
"How do we trick a daemon?"
"Very carefully."
-"Can you light your staff?"
"Yes, but you'll see that the light here is diminished in intensity because of the intense darkness of this demiplane."
"Ok, so nobody fart then!"
"What?!"
-"While you were missing, the Archemaster took over the high council of wizards."
"What?"
"Also, most of the council is dead."
"What?!"
"Yeah, way to bury the lead, Mu."
-"Who are you?"
"My name's Roman."
"That's a coincidence. I had an uncle named Roman."
"Weird."
-"Why did you come here, Hippomagus?"
"Like you, for the sunstaff."
"Why did you want the sunstaff?"
"For the prestige."
"But now we need it, to save the world from Sezrekhan."
"Obviously, yes."
"You can get it back after we're done with it. After all, we don't have any wizards in our party."
"Hey!!"
-More bugs attack! Specifically, a couple of them jump Mu and the Hippomagus!
"We have to help the Hippomagus!"
"Hey!"
"Sorry, he's a valuable member of the party."
"HEY!"
"Yeah, he's the only wizard we have."
-The Hippomagus and Vizi are hit by black gunk that the bugs spew from their rear ends, which makes them start to suffocate. Both manage to survive by sheer luck.
"Vizi, due to your brain being starved of air you lose.. 1 permanent point of strength."
"Strength?"
"Maybe muscle memory loss?"
"Oh, ok."
-Mu manages to destroy one with spellburn-enhanced magic-missile casting, but he's stuck being unable to say anything but "Mu" for the rest of the day.
-They eventually get to the heart of the labyrinth, where they find a gateway with runes. Mu tries to read the runes, but fails.
"Even if he'd succeeded what good would it do? He can only say 'mu'!"
-Many stupid ideas are exchanged as to how to try to get the Sunstaff from Rataxos.
"I had hoped our combined power would allow us to destroy him by working together; but after our performance against those bugs I no longer think that's likely."
-Mu plays a whole game of charades to try to explain his plan, where the party will pretend that the hippomagus and the monkey are part of the same grand order of animal-themed wizards.
"How does that help?!"
"That was a whole lot of effort for fuck-all, dude."
-"I've got a bad feeling about this..."
-Mu decides to enter on a hover board.
"Maybe that will make me look cool"
"We're not trying to look cool! And no, it doesn't."
-"We're trying to look bad-ass. I'm going to hold my pistol side-ways, that will look bad ass"
"No it doesn't."
-They try to make the Hippomagus look bad-ass by rolling up his sleeves, but he only looks awkward and dorkish.
"Maybe if you unbuttoned your robes?"
"My robe doesn't have buttons. It's more of a mu-mu."
-"None of you look bad-ass! You just look varying degrees of retarded!"
-Giving up on trying to look evil, cool or bad-ass, they just go inside. All except Roman, who says he'll stay out of the gate to keep watch.
They encounter Rataxos, a swat hideous pretty classic-looking Demon, holding the Sunstaff in his claws. They try to convince him that they're out to destroy Sezrekhan. Heidi manages to convince Rataxos that Sezrekhan has tried to keep Rataxos trapped, because Rataxos has the sunstaff, which may be the only way of getting to him at the Crown of Creation. Incredibly, they get him to give them the Sunstaff. But Rataxos places a Geas on Heidi, that once Sezrekhan is stopped, Heidi will be obliged to come and free Rataxos. Rataxos also geases Mu's monkey, mistaking the monkey for the wizard and Mu for the mere familiar.
-They get out of the chamber and back in the labyrinth, where Roman is surprised to see them.
"Holy shit, you're alive! Er, I mean, good job!"
-There's another bug attack on their way out. After several mishaps, the Hippomagus kills one with a powerful Force Manipulation blast.
"He used the force!"
-There's another encounter, this time with a bug and another type of demon that looks like a pale crab-monster.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn animal?"
-Managing to avoid getting themselves killed in spite of a ludicrous number of fumbles and spell-misfires, they get out of the demiplane, and rush into the Superfly-1. Now, they set a course for the Sky-shield that covers half the Sun. Using the Sunstaff, they realize that the ley-lines all point to the spot exactly in the center of the Sky-shield.
-"Hey, what if we try to give Mongo the Sunstaff? Maybe it'll fix him?"
"Hmm, I doubt it, but what harm could come of it?"
"Famous last words."
-Mongo just starts violently hitting things with the staff, and they have to wrestle him down and take it away from him.
"So much for that idea."
-"Do you have any healing stuff on the ship, Blitzkrieg?"
"I have some sexual healing, but that's only for the ladies."
-The Hippomagus still believes that, like Fluffy the Cat, Mu's wizard-monkey is the real wizard and Mu is just his familiar.
-Mu asks to borrow the Sunstaff from the Hippomagus (for his master, the monkey), and discovers it grants a +6 to spellcasting checks!
"Um, can I have my staff back?"
"What staff?"
"I lent you the sunstaff. Can I have the sunstaff back please?"
"No, maybe someone else has it."
-"um, excuse me Heidi? Mu borrowed my staff and won't give it back. I'd like my staff back please."
"Ask Roman."
-"Um, excuse me Vizi? Mu borrowed my staff and won't give it back, and Heidi and Roman won't help me. I'd like my staff back please?"
-Vizi and Mu convince the Hippomagus that they'll give back the Sunstaff after they stop Sezrekhan. But he's not happy.
-"I say, that Hippomagus is quite gullible!"
"Yeah, how did he get to that high level?"
"Frankly, it gives me hope!"
"True. It also explains why he was fooled by a cat."
-When they get close enough to the Skyshield, they realize that it's not smooth like it appears from over a million miles away, but rather is full of constructions. And right in the middle of it all is a notable megastructure. They try to hail the megastructure, and it responds by firing missiles at them!
-The missiles hit bad!
"We're going down! Standard procedure for a crash: lean forward, put your head between your legs, and kiss your asses goodbye, motherfuckers!"
-"Fuck! What have we gotten ourselves into?!"
"Adventure!"
-"Is everyone alive?"
"I'm alive, but I don't know why."
-They crashed in the middle of a vast area filled with dust and scraps of metal. Vizi sees a vision explaining why: this is a kind of dumping site for sky-ship wrecks, and every once in a while a huge floating disintegrator-ship sweeps by and atomizes everything in its path. The party realizes it can't stay in the wreck of the Superfly-1, and must say goodbye to it.
-They walk past a canyon filled with ruined sky-ships, aparently a blind spot in the disintegrator's programmed flights. But they decide to move on to the megastructure for now.
-They reach a kind of border wall. When Vizi approaches it, he gets confronted by some armed drones!
"It's the goddamn border patrol!"
"Well, they built the wall."
"It's a huge wall."
-They back away and Heidi (the fastest flier) goes along the border wall area to try to see if there's some other means of access.
-The enormous floating disintegrator platform that Vizi had seen in his vision comes over the wall, toward the PCs! They're about to try to run away from it while it powers up, but instead realize they should run up right against the wall, where the disintegrator beam won't strike.
-Heidi doesn't find any other way in. The Hippomagus has another idea, to turn everyone invisible. It works, and they get over the wall to find that at the top there's an enormous highway.
-They travel along the road, which seems to be leading to the central megastructure. They fly, invisible, being pulled along by Heidi and Mu (the two fastest fliers).
"Once more, I'm reduced to a beast of burden."
-The party runs into a giant armored monster-truck, piloted by what appear to be humans with funny bowl-haircuts.
"Let's blow out their tire!"
"Why?"
"I don't know, he's the leader."
"Wait a second, isn't Mu the leader?"
"We're both the same level now."
"Oh, then obviously Heidi is the leader."
"What do you mean 'obviously'?"
-Heidi steps out of the invisibility field, and the guys in the truck stop and hail him. They speak Ancient!
"Holy shit!"
-Unfortunately, the excitement is short-lived. When Roman interrogates them, it turns out they're not Ancients, they just speak the language as they're the 'heirs of the ancients'.
"They're some kind of space-romans"
-"Ok, so I told him we need to get into that super-structure; and he said it's called the Citadel and asked if we plan to participate in something called the Death Race 3000."
-The pseudo-romans are friendly and they travel with the PCs for the rest of the day, ending at a kind of campground where various other ridiculous super-vehicles have been parked. Their drivers include Elves, orcs, cat-people, and more.
"Where do you come from, strangers?"
"The surface.."
"Shh, don't tell them that."
"I mean, the surface of Lol."
"Where?"
-"You're from the sky?"
"Up is down and down is up for these people."
"So you actually see the sun? That must be terrifying!"
-"And where are you from?"
"The Vampire Principalities. Blah!"
-The next day, the group completes its trip to the Citadel, with more and more strange vehicles with weird drivers joining the caravan. The PCs learn that the "Wardens" of the citadel only reward the winners of each year's Death Race with entry into the Citadel. Anyone can compete, but victory is based on a complex scoring system, where it's not just about being first to the finish but also a number of other factors. The PCs realize they're going to need some kind of vehicle, and they're told they might be able to get one in the massive shantytown that surrounds the Citadel.
"So, we're going to be participating in a deadly game of Wacky Races, huh?"
That's it for this week's session. I'm off next week so stay tuned in a few weeks' time for the next exciting part of our (anti-?) (non-?) heroes' adventures, where they may or may not end up participating in Deadly Wacky Races.
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Neerup Hawkbill + Image Virginia
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