We left off with our intrepid PCs about two-thirds of the way done the Death Race 3000. Will they get to the end this session? Read on, gonzo-fans, and find out!
Now:
-"So just to review, it's Blitzkrieg, Space Bear, Vizi and Heidi on the Shaft-1?"
"Yes. And the nerds are on the APV."
-"So there's no Warriors on the APV?"
"No, like we said, the APV is full of nerds."
-"You realize at this point this fucking party has more NPCs than PCs in it?"
"Yeah, and you're not even counting Mu's monkey-wizard or the dolphin."
-"I would trade all of these NPCs for BOLT-0!"
"Hmm, but would you trade all the NPCs you have right now for BOLT-0 AND Priscilla?"
"Wow... I'd have to think about that."
-"What about keeping BOLT-0 and Roman?"
"I don't think those two should be in the same room together."
"Wait... we've never seen BOLT-O and Roman together..."
"Are you saying Roman is BOLT-0 in disguise?!"
"Well, that would explain a lot."
-"I'm summoning more dolphin ammunition, but I'm using dolphin poop for the summoning, so I might end up summoning fish instead."
-After summoning 24 fish, the Vegan is out of dolphin poop. Sami intimidates the dolphin into crapping itself again, and the Vegan finally summons more dolphins.
-Shortly after that, the party gets attacked by a group of leather clad bikers!
"There's also one guy dressed as a construction worker, and a guy dressed as an Indian Chief."
-"Vegan, what do you do?"
"I guess I'll go up top and fire."
"You feel sufficiently secure that these guys are wussy enough not to endanger you, don't you?"
-"Wait, if you do a dispel magic on me, Hippomagus, would there be a chance that my monkey-wizard familiar would be dispelled?"
"I say! I certainly wouldn't care to be dispelled, old boy. I'm having far too good a time!"
"Oh, that's nice, that someone actually enjoys my company!"
"Well, I think I'm magically required to like you."
"Oh"
"Although I do."
"Well, OK!"
"Though that's probably the magic talking, old bean."
-Having defeated the bikers/village-people, the party drives on. After a while, the party sees the dreaded Viking Long-truck up ahead. They're heading over to engage them when suddenly a rift opens up in space and a giant tentacle reaches down, wraps around the viking vehicle, crushing it, and pulls it up into the extraplanar space!
"Holy shit! What is that goddamn tentacle?!"
-The PCs pause, worried the rift will open up in the same spot if they proceed. The Hippomagus casts invisibility on the APV.
"Hey Blitzkrieg, are we invisible over here? Did it work?"
"Yeah man, you're invisible."
"Great... wait, are we really invisible or are you just saying that so we go first?"
"No, man, you're really invisible!"
"OK, but seriously, or are you fucking with us?"
-"We'll go first, and then the Hippomagus will come back and make the Shaft-1 invisible too."
"Alright."
"Hey wait, are we seriously going to send the Hippomagus back to them, with the sunstaff?"
"Oh shit, no. I'm just fucking with them."
-Without help from the Hippomagus, the Shaft-1 starts to drive under the rift.
"I'm going to fire, not really to hit anything but to try to hold back the tentacle."
"So, like, suppressing fire?"
"Yes."
"You miss.
-Blitzkrieg's quick reflexes get them past the tentacles.
"You assholes had to turn invisible, but we go through on pure Sakomano, baby."
-Next, they encounter a couple of nerds on a weenie-esque moped. They seem pretty hopeless but they soon start taking control of the vehicles with their computer!
Luckily, the Hippomagus is on fire this session, and he blows them away with magic missiles.
-"Those nerds were as dangerous as the giant tentacle, so you get the same amount of XP."
-After that, they run into a fancy looking bus manned by dragonmen, including some dragonmen mandarins with some powerful spellcasting chops. They blast the APV with two Lightning Bolts and a Fireball, and Mu is down!
"They're wizards!"
"No shit."
-"Don't worry, I have 19 Luck, I'll be fine!"
"Jesus, 19?! You're immortal."
"Ok, now..oh. I rolled a 20. I'm dead."
"God damn it you had one job!"
"Yeah, not to roll a 20."
"This is so awful! I loot Mu's body immediately."
-"Wait, what happens to the monkey-wizard?"
"He vanishes when his master dies."
"No! Not the monkey!"
"Aw, damn it. What are we going to do now??"
-"I'd like some healing please."
"Yes, but do something to stop these dragonmen you fat fuck!"
"I'm just big boned... this is a normal weight for a hippomagus."
-Vizi blows the dragon-bus' main gun away with a critical from the Shaft-1's secondary guns.
-The dragonmen wizards are still fighting, though. The Vegan Wizard shoots at them with the last of the Dolphins he'd conjured, but is now exposed and about to be blasted with fireballs.
"Quick, pull me back down!"
"I don't know how you're talking to, but no one is listening."
"Oh shit, I'm dying"
"You're pretty much already dead, you just don't know it yet."
-One of the dragonmen accidentally electrocutes himself while trying to cast lightning-bolt, and goes below-deck.
"You coward!"
"Don't tease them!"
-Finally, the shaft-1's guns manage to blow up the dragon-bus and the wizards.
-"Mu had very little loot."
"He died as he lived: worthless."
-"Man Hippomagus, you're whiny bitch. I bet you didn't have any friends on the High Council of wizards."
"....Fluffy the cat pretended to like me."
-"Cut off Mu's arms and and put his torso into the dolphin launcher!"
"Mu would have wanted to go that way."
"I'll do it! I can use my lightsaber."
"Good, thanks!"
-"That's still a better treatment that Mu is getting than what you did with Tonut's corpse; just leaving his body pants-less in the middle of the dungeon."
-They just fire the corpse at nothing!
"Why did you do that?! We could have used him against our enemies after stuffing his corpse with C4!"
"We did stuff his corpse with C4."
*BOOM*
"You idiot! Now you wasted Mu AND the C4!"
-The PCs drive on to an area that seems filled with half-melted vehicles. Among these, they find 3 pathetic newbies.
"Should we kill them?"
"No, dumbass, they're Mu's replacement."
-The newbies consist of a Sky-Communist Dwarf, a Human wage-slave from some kind of Mega-corporate dystopia, and a catperson street urchin.
"Get in, motherfuckers, we're saving the universe!"
-Mongo takes an immediate liking to the catboy, picking him up forcefully and hugging him tightly and petting him too roughly
"blah blah blah blah George!"
-"we'll take the Dwarf on the Shaft-1. At least he can fix things."
"If only he could fix our moral values."
"Those are beyond repair."
"You can't fix what doesn't exist."
-The party soon finds out that this area of the race-track is routinely showered with acid rain! Before they can speed past it, the roof of the ATV is wrecked, along with the dolphin launcher, and the main and forward guns of the Shaft-1 are ruined permanently.
-"So what do we do with the dolphin now?"
"The dolphin looks nervous."
-It turns out the wage-slave worked in dolphin maintenance, and has some dolphin hormones on him.
"Do the hormones come with any kind of instructions?"
"No, they don't have any regulations in the megacorp zone."
-"I'm taking these hormones."
"But they're mine!"
"You'll be compensated eventually."
"I've heard that before!"
"There's no 'i' in team, you know."
"Yeah, I've heard that one too."
-The party is attacked by a couple of renegade time-dinosaurs! Luckily, or maybe unfortunately, the Hippomagus blows them up before they can do anything cool.
-The party is then attacked by a gang of flying sky-bugs! The Hippomagus, who has evolved from a bumbling amicable dweeb into a killing machine over the course of this race, blows a bunch of them to bits as well.
"You know you and I are friends, right Hippomagus?"
"Of course! You heal me. And I feel a lot more comfortable now that Mu is dead."
-"You can see the finish line at the end of a long stretch ahead."
"I preemptively cast Sanctuary."
-The party is suddenly swooped down upon by Giant Halcons! With both vehicles' roofs badly corroded the huge birds can easily tear the tops open and start attacking the delicious PCs inside. There's a short but vicious firefight, the birds are scared off, and the party gets across the finish line!
-There were several other teams that got across the line before the PCs did. But it was already established that this was not a 'first across the finish' contest. There is an obscure set of points-system calculations to determine who wins, in which getting across the finish early is good but not the sole factor. Things like defeating other racers, having entertaining fights, amusing the Wardens, capturing enemy vehicles, and looking cool were all important parts of the calculations. The PCs end up with 96 points, which at the moment puts them in first place. However, there's still several contestants which might yet make it across the finish, and could theoretically still beat them.
"Heck, those evil robots got 95 points, so there's every chance we might still lose."
"Hey evil robots, so much for being superior, huh?"
"Illogical! Illogical!"
"That one's literally sparking."
"Hey no hard feelings guys, or really any feelings at all."
-The other teams that manage to get through, though some of them come close, don't manage to beat the PCs' score. They are the Champions of the Death Race 3000!
"Hooray! Now we can fall into the Wardens' obvious trap..."
-"Did any of those pirates I hired survive?"
"Apparently not."
"Mission accomplished!"
-The catboy helps the rest of the PCs sell some of the loot they'd accumulated.
"Thanks to the catboy, we made 8000 quatlums."
"Should we give him some?"
"Yeah. Hey catboy, here's 20 quatlums for your troubles. Don't spend them all at once."
-Blitzkrieg and Space-bear let the party know this is as far as they go. They're not interested in whatever the Wardens have in mind, and their place is in the skies, so they're going to try to gamble their way into getting a new ship to fly out of here and back down to the upper skies.
"Also, because there are too many NPCs."
-That night, there's a huge, almost city-wide party in the PCs honor as the victors of the Death Race 3000. Most of the PCs only participate in moderation, but the catboy gets seriously drunk. Sometime in the night he gets stabbed, but survives.
-Heidi also went crazy with the partying, and wakes up the next morning with a sky-klingon woman named "Dorma". Apparently she and Heidi "blood-bonded" that night (which doesn't seem to mean sex, but rather having cut each other with knives or something), and they had sworn to overthrow the Wardens and take over the Citadel.
"Great! ANOTHER NPC. Just what we need."
That's it for today; in the next session, the PCs will be entering the Citadel. They're pretty sure the whole thing is a set up, since there's a way too convenient story about how the winners get to live long lives of pleasure in the citadel and it's all so wonderful that none of them ever return.
But what will they really find in there?
Stay tuned to find out!
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best
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