DCC Campaign: Even G.O.D. Wouldn't Know How To Fix You

In our last adventure, the PCs had been heading back to Coolland on the SS Sidequest, when they were distracted by a sidequest. They ended up in the Gargantuan Tower. Meanwhile, Sami had mysteriously disappeared at the beginning of last session, after acting strangely and for some reason saying "I must return to my home planet".

In between sessions, we've also discovered that literally everyone wants to kill Catboy:

Now:

-Sami wakes up on a metallic table, paralyzed, looking up at a pair of Grey Realm aliens. One of them is female and dressed in a slutty cheerleader outfit with large boobs and huge 80s hair. The other is male, muscular, and dressed in a varsity jacket with amazing 80s jock hair.
"What the hell is this?"
"Don't be afraid, we're popular!"
"Yeah, and we need your help."
"You know I usually charge for this sort of thing, right?"
"If you help us we will reward you handsomely."
"I'm listening..."

-"We snuck off with one of the stupid Jade Game Controller's UFOes and used his stupid mind control ray that he built for his big invasion plan to kidnap you, to help us with our problem."
"Wait, what invasion?!"
"None of that matters, me and Tiffany have a problem!"
"No, it does matter!"

-"Ohh wait, are those the Troy and Tiffany that Queen Priscilla always talks about??"
"Holy shit, it is!"
"Yeah, the Tiffany who stole Troy from her!"

-"Wait... do you know Priscilla?"
"Yeah, but no, but she's a total slag and if she said I had gonorrhea she's a complete liar!"

-"So what do you want from me?"
"Well, Tiff and me can't have kids. We want your help to get her pregnant. I just don't understand it. I've peed on her ass a dozen times but she just won't get knocked up."
"Jesus, the aristocracy of the Grey Realms is really really inbred..."
"Look, there's not enough money in the world for this shit."

-"Free me and I'll help you."
"OK.."
"No wait Troy, I don't trust her. She's a lying bitch that's friends with Priscilla."
"I AM NOT FRIENDS WITH PRISCILLA!"

-"Can you make us have a baby?"
"What do you think I am? A goddamn leprechaun? I don't just grant wishes!
"Ohh, so that's how it works."
"No, it doesn't!"

-"Well what can you do?"
"I can pray to G.O.D. to make your wife pregnant."
"OK, but it'll be my baby right?"
"Um.. sure."

-"But before I can help you, I'll need my assistants, Heidi and Bill."
"Wait.. Bill the Elf?"
"No, Troy, it can't be him; Bill is advising the Jade Game Controller."
"No, um, I meant Bill Salamander."
"Oh."

-"I don't think we should trust her, Troy. I think she's a liar like Priscilla; and you can tell she's needy!"
"Shut up and do what I say, if you want to get pregnant."
"I do want to get pregnant..."
"I just love you so much, Tiff..."
"Oh Troy, I love you too!"
"The two Greys start to kiss with visible tongue."
"And I'm still paralyzed?"
"Yes. You can't  move."
"For god's sake can I at least blind myself somehow?!!"

-"Bill Salamander is an expert in obstetrics, I'll need his help."

-"For your reward you can either have a bunch of money or a really cool Ferrari. Tiff won't let me keep a Ferrari when we have a kid because she says they're not family safe."
"When you say money, how much do you mean?"
"How much do you want?"
"How much do you have?"
"I don't really know, my family is super rich."
"That's a good start!"

-"The problem with Bill is that even if he swears not to kill you, he'll probably kill you by accident or neglect."
"Yeah. No matter what, Bill will end up killing you because of something he did or didn't do."

-"OK, so teleport my friends here; just teleport all of them."
"TELEPORT INITIATED... WARNING HIGH RISK OF TELEPORT ERROR, SUBJECTS ARE IN AN EXTRADIMENSIONAL FOLD SPACE."
"Meh, do it anyways."

-"Wow.. so we're totally going to take this ship, aren't we?"
"We'll get it while the Posh Elf's player isn't here."
"Yeah, and we'll probably lose it again before the player comes back."

-"Everyone in the party in the Tower is currently under the effect mind control ray except the Catboy. They all start saying 'I must return to my home planet' and start walking toward the hole in the wall."
"Oh shit! I try to get to them and save the halfling."
"really?"
"Hey, he was really badass last session!"

-"People are teleporting away as they go through the hole. On the other side, everyone is lost except Bill and Zeke, and then a few seconds later a monstrosity appears, a melted/fused amalgam of Catboy and the Halfling!"
"Oh God!"
"ATTEMPTING RECOVERY"
"They vanish for a moment, and when they rematerialize, the Catboy seems OK, but the Halfling is in a coma and bleeding out of every orifice. Tiffany drags his half-dead body to the other room."

-"While he's looking at Bill, I'm going to try to stab Troy."
"And I'll avert my eyes so no one is looking at Catboy and he has a chance of success."

-"You successfully stab Troy."
"He screams shouting 'aw, goddamn it, potato dagger!'"

-"After Catboy stabs Troy, Tiffany jumps on him, bites him and leaves him prone, and deaf from a concussion."

-After Sami prays for Bill to be free, he drops Tiffany.
"I kill her."
"No wait a second!"
"OK, 1 second. Now I kill her."
"Damn it, Bill don't kill Troy"
"Catboy gets up and kills him."
"No, Catboy!"
"Catboy can't hear you, he's deaf."

-"Zeke is still paralyzed."
"So?"

-"Troy and Tiffany are both dead."
"That's the second-sweetest news I could get. The best would be if Priscilla was dead."

-The party has some trouble getting the ship's computer to listen to them, until catboy successfully imitates Troy's voice. Though catboy's player absolutely can not, to the amusement of the party and the vicious laughter of the GM.
"Troy's voice is basically the Cartman voice. You can't do the Cartman voice?"
"Stop hitting him, he's already dead!!"

-"Computer, change main user to Catboy."
"VOICE OF USER TROY ORIGINATING FROM CATBOY'S BODY DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE!"
"The computer is catching fire!!"
"OK, computer change main user to Sami!"
"COMMAND ACCEPTED."
"Whew."

-"So where were you guys?"
"Castle Gargan--"
"No! The Gargantuan Tower, for copyright reasons."
"Yeah, that. But let's not go back there, it's too huge."
"That's because it's bigger on the inside."

-"NOW FLYING OVER CITY OF MINAJ."
"Did Bill just whisper 'we should destroy it'?"
"No... OK, yes."

-"Computer do you have a cloaking device?"
"CLOAKING DEVICE NOT INSTALLED UNTIL PHASE 3 OF INVASION PLAN"
"Invasion plan?!"
"Don't worry."
"What?! What part of 'invasion plan' is not a problem?!"
"Oh sure, when it's Sezrekhan it's always a huge problem, but when it's your invasion.."
"It's not my invasion, Bill!"

-"Computer, how long until repairs are completed?"
"REPAIRS WILL BE COMPLETED IN ABOUT ONE HOUR FOR THE NEXT SIX HOURS."
"Oh shit, it's running Windows ME!"

-"I'm a bit worried about where Lenny & Heidi went..."
"And Quilliam.."
"Who?"

-The party land their UFOe just outside Minaj and walk toward the city. Along the way they meet an old herder named Hoppy.
"Hey Hoppy, want to join us?"
"No, Catboy! No more NPCs! Leave Hoppy alone!"
"Hoppy appreciates that, ma'am!"

-"Can we rest? I'm pretty low on Luck!"
"Sure, rest for 6 hours."
"I mean, what could go wrong in 6 hours?"

-"Catboy is a freaking herder."
"Do you mean a hoarder?"
"No, he has a herd of pet NPCs."

-"Just how urine-filled is the ship?"

-Bill finds that the Halfling was placed in the lab by Troy and Tiffany before they died.
"They froze him in carbonite; he also seems to have wood."
"I guess that's a side-effect."

-"We now have 4 severed hands in total: 2 grey alien hands, 1 alternate-timeline catboy-hand, and the Hand of Alan Moore."
"Why do we have so many severed hands? What's wrong with us?"

-While resting, the GM makes Catboy do a whole bunch of Fortitude saves, but he succeeds all of them.
"What's wrong with me?"
"You don't know. You should have failed a Fortitude check if you wanted to find out."

-"Computer are the repairs completed?"
"REPAIRS WILL BE COMPLETE IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES."
"Goddamn it."

-"So we're walking to Minaj?"
"yes."
"to find the Duke of Blood and Fire?"
"You're confused again, Bill."

-Catboy finally fails a Fortitude save and loses 1 point of Stamina.
"Why the hell did that happen?!"

-Going down the road, they run into another peasant that looks exactly like Hoppy.
"Hi there stranger.. what's your name?"
"I'm Hoppy."
"OK, something's going on..."

-"I bet it's an invasion of body-snatchers!"
"Hey Hoppy are you a body snatcher?"
"Don't ask him that!"
"Hoppy doesn't understand, Hoppy is just a simple farmer!"

-They keep moving and run into a couple of other Hoppy peasants, one of which is in a peasant woman's dress.
"Hello strangers! I'm Hoppy."
"Oh yeah? And who's that with you?"
"That's my wife, Hoppy!"
"Catboy, I swear we'll leave you behind."

-"As you approach the city of Minaj, you see it's makeshift walls are surrounded by hundreds of Hoppys, many of them naked!"

-The PCs fly over into the city's defenses.
"Who's in charge here?"
"I am. Who are you people?"
"I'm Catboy!"
"Ew."

-"Hi, I'm Salamander."
"Oh... you're the guys who either saved or wrecked the capital city!"
"..yes."
"Wait... is Blingbae with you?!"
"No."
"Aww."

-"What the hell is happening here?"
"We don't know. We just know that these Hoppy guys started showing up from out of nowhere. They started appearing somewhere in the northern part of the kingdom, and before we knew it they were everywhere. They've besieged Gaga and now they've reached Minaj!"
"Wait.. my friends, this sounds like a story from the Holy Books. Surely you've all heard the story of King Amilidiah?"
"Oh, sure.. but why don't you tell us about it anyways, Zeke?"
"No, Zeke, no one has read your stupid Holy Scriptures."
"...you're the Cleric, Sami!"

-"King Amilidiah was a greedy king who wished he could control his kingdom by being everywhere at once. So G.O.D. sent him a cursed crown, which made duplicates of himself. Each duplicate would duplicate itself every day, until soon there was no one in his kingdom but copies of himself, and thus the King realized how miserable that was, and his kingdom was then struck down by the Lord."
"Thank you, Mr.Exposition."

-"We should deal with these Hoppies first.."
"Bill casts a huge choking cloud."
"It murders 500 Hoppies in a few rounds. The survivors turn to flee."

-"So Gaga is under siege you say?"
"Yes."
"OK, we'd better go there to help too."
"If you go there, please, my name is Chief Guard Sweible. Tell Elsa that I have held out here. She was the one who trained me."
"That explains why all your men have shovels."

-"How do we deal with all these guys."
"There must be a Hoppy Zero."
"Hoppy Prime."
"Wait.. we saw a peasant on the road to Mra. He was just like Hoppy, remember? We stayed in his barn!"
"Did we?"
"Yes, but we just thought he was a normal peasant."

-"Sami, I'm still feeling bad."
"About what, Catboy?"
"No I mean I feel sick."
"Any idea why?"
"Well, I did have a halfling inside me less than 24 hours ago."
"Even G.O.D. wouldn't know how to fix you."

-On the way back to the UFOe, the party is attacked by 200 Hoppies.
"Those are the ones who killed Hoppy, get them!"
"I call dibs on being that one!"

-After a short fight, the Hoppys flee for their lives.
"I'm going to give you guys 2XP for defeating the Hoppys, but just because a bunch of asshole players didn't show up this session."

-"G.O.D. please fix whatever's wrong with Catboy."
"I don't think it worked."

-"Is there a med-bay in this ship?"
"There's a lab."
"There's an entertainment room."
"There's a probing table."
"Guess which one we'll try on Catboy first?"

-"Computer, scan Catboy."
"INTELLIGENCE LEVEL NEGLIGIBLE."

-"PROBING REQUIRED"
"Guys I don't want you watching this happening to me!"
"Let's go into the entertainment room and play foosball!"
"Yeah, and turn the stereo on loud to drown out Catboy's screaming."
"We all leave Catboy alone with his shame."

-"I sit in the probing position."
"I'm just going to assume we all know what that is."

-"PROBING SEQUENCE COMMENCING. ALL CREW MUST REMAIN 5' AWAY FROM PROBING TABLE."
"Catboy starts crying."

-"PROBE ACTIVATED."
"A tube comes down from the ceiling, with a large red bulb at the front."
"Oh god!"
"PROBE DESCENDING. REMAIN STILL. DO NOT MOVE."
"Oh god no!"
"PROBE DESCENDING."
"No please!"
"The probe stops about level with your body."
"Why does it take so long?!"
"A beam of red light shines from the bulb at Catboy."
"What the fuck?"
"REMAIN STILL. PROBING IN PROGRESS."
"..."
"PROBING COMPLETED. PROBE ASCENDING. REMAIN STILL UNTIL ASCENT COMPLETED."
"Wait.. that's it?"

-"Ha! You realize that since we were all in the other room, no one is ever going to believe Catboy wasn't actually probed!"
"Son of a bitch."

-"Do you need some ice cream to soothe your ass?"
"Are you OK, Catboy?"
"Leave him alone, it was clearly a very traumatic experience."

-"So according to the computer, Catboy was poisoned when Tiffany scratched him!"
"We forgot how dangerous Grey Realm aliens can be, because we mostly know Priscilla and she's absolutely useless."

-"I like the detail that all the regular-citizen Grey aliens talk like normal people but all their aristocrats sound like Cartman!"

-"Computer does the ship have weapons?"
"NO WEAPONS INSTALLED IN THIS VESSEL UNTIL PHASE 2 OF INVASION PREPARATIONS COMMENCE."
"When is the invasion due to start?"
"60 GREY REALM DAYS FROM CURRENT DATE."
"Convert that to material plane date?"
"60 MATERIAL REALM DAYS."
"Oh."

-"Computer, take us to the Fortress of Cher."
"SPECIFY: DO YOU WISH TO GO TO THE FORTRESS OF CHER IN THE EASTERN CONTINENT, FORTRESS OF CHER IN THE NORTHERN CONTINENT, OR THE FLOATING ISLAND KNOWN AS THE FORTRESS OF CHER?"
"There's seriously three places in the world called the Fortress of Cher??"

-"We could just go to Lol and help the Hippomagus!"
"Yeah."
"But if we did we'd have to return the Sunstaff to him. Do you really want that?"
"No."

-After wandering around aimlessly for a while, they finally fly to Gaga.
"You find that the city is surrounded by thousands and thousands of Hoppies assaulting the city barricades."
"So it's like World War Z?"
"World War Hoppy!"

-"How likely are they to hold out?"
"Well, you think a lot of those barricades are made out of yoga mats."
"Those are pretty sturdy!"

-"Is bill getting off to kill Hoppies?"
"He's absolutely getting off, and he's also leaving the ship."

-"Who is that? Is it Blingbae?"
"It's Bill."
"Aww, damn it!"

-"I cast choking cloud... natural 20!"
"You create 3 huge clouds, killing everything in their path."
"Alright!"
"You can kill about 1000 hoppies per round!"

-"Bill's never met a genocide he didn't like."

-"Elsa hear Bill Elf is here! Is good! Bill can kill anything except Fire Vampires."

-"Queen Zoey is down under the palace in a bunker with a door labelled 'Secret Bunker'."
"Wouldn't it be better not to have labeled it at all?"
"Yeah, but you know, it's Coolland."

-"Your Majesty, we need to find Hoppy Prime."
"There's a Hoppy Prime?"

-"Yes, see, there's this crown.."
"I'm sure you've heard of it from the Holy Scripture, your Majesty.."
"Damn it Zeke, no one has your Holy Book!"
"You do, Sami.."
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do, it's in your Holy Tablet."
"Wait.. what? Oh, there's PDF reader on this thing... oh shit, there's a ton of files here. When I became a Cleric I probably should have read the Terms and Conditions."

-"Bill should be finished in an hour or so.."
"I think it's going to be a lot quicker than that. I'm pretty sure Bill won't last for more than a couple of minutes."

-"Computer, find Bill the Elf."
"BILL THE ELF LOCATED."
"Visuals."
"VISUALS UNAVAILABLE, BILL THE ELF IS NOT LOCATED ON THIS PLANE."
"What??"
"Computer, take us to Bill."
"TRAVEL TO BILL THE ELF'S CURRENT LOCATION WOULD REQUIRE EXTRAPLANAR JUMP FROM THE UPPER BAND. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?"
"No."

-"Is there another Bill the Elf?"
"Troy mentioned something about Bill the Elf advising the Jade Game Controller."
"Yes, and you totally ignored that until just now. You'd think that would have been important."

-"Computer, detect the nearest cobra-headed humanoid."
"COBRA HEADED HUMANOID DETECTED."
"Visual."
"You see Bill the Elf on a nearby rooftop, surrounded by piles of Hoppy corpses. He's smoking a cigarette and looking really satisfied."

-"Half-melted corpses of Hoppies are all across the barricades."
"I'm not cleaning that up!"

-"Where are we going now?"
"Here on this spot on the map.. which I didn't bring with me."
"You just pointed to your bare hand."
"Yes, yes I did."

-"I'm just going to get some more burgers."
"I keep forgetting that Bill is really obese now."

-"We're going to have kill Bill eventually, aren't we?"
"I can hear you guys!"
"We know."

-"Bill, we're friends, right?"
"Damn right I'm your friend, Zeke!"
"That's right though I don't appreciate your salty language."
"Oh, sorry."
"Don't forget, just change an m to an r, and you get a darn wholesome word."
"You're a fucking tool, Zeke."

-"Bill has a nap."
"Catboy plays DDR."
"Sami looks at those PDFs on her Tablet.. well, that's not right. Delete. Delete... shit is there an audiobooks version?"

-"Sami gives up and just starts to play the games."

-Flying between Gaga and Fort Cher, the PCs spot a huge mob of Hoppies building a huge structure in the shape of a giant Hoppy head.

-"There must be 50000 Hoppies down there!"
"Yes?"

-"Hey, we just want to talk to Hoppy Prime, you guys."
"We will defend our king!"
"Where is he?"
"We won't tell you!"
"Please?"
"No!"

-"We don't want to become Hoppies!"
"That's now how this works!"
"OK we don't want you to take our jobs!"
"That's not Hoppies, that's Mexican Clerics."

-"Computer... Computer?"
"It doesn't work like that, the computer doesn't answer until you give it a command or whatever."
"OK, Computer, from now on whenever I just say 'Computer' you say 'Yes Mistress'."
"YES MISTRESS."
"That's better."

-"Computer..."
"YES MISTRESS"
"Can you scan for the Crown?"
"QUERY: DEFINE NATURE OF PARTICULAR CROWN BEING SOUGHT"
"Um, it probably weighs anywhere between 50 grams to 2 kilos?"
"QUERY: DO YOU WISH TO USE THE ROYAL TIARA OF QUEEN PRISCILLA AS BASELINE FOR SEARCH?"
"No!!"

-"Computer, can you search for an image of the Crown of Amilidiah?"
"DIMENSIONS OF CROWN OF AMILIDIAH CAN BE DERIVED FROM DESCRIPTION OF CROWN IN THE BOOK OF HOLY SCRIPTURE FOUND IN THE DATA BANKS OF SHIP'S COMPUTER."
"Ha!"
"I hate you so much, Zeke."

-"CREATING MODEL IMAGE OF CROWN OF AMILIDIAH FROM BOOK OF AMILIDIAH, CHAPTER 3, VERSES 1-286"
"That's right, the Book of Holy Scriptures dedicates quite a few pages to an explicit description of the Crown, praise G.O.D."

-"Who the fuck programmed this computer?"
"Maybe it's the Grey Realms version of Zeke Bodean?"

-"The Computer pinpoints one Hoppy, not on the giant head but in among the throngs of Hoppies, making his way away from the ship, wearing a very big cloak."
"Catboy misses with a natural 1."
"His rifle gets entangled on Tiffany's pom-poms."
"Seriously? Screw it, Bill kills him."

-"You did it, Bill! Truly, you were the smiting hand of the Lord and this fine ship was His vessel, all guided by the Holy Scripture!"
"No it wasn't, god damn it!!"

-"We need to give this ship a new name!"
"What about Amilidiah?"
"Fuck you, Catboy."

-"Hey guys, look what I found...it's a music disk made by Bill the Elf!"
"What? That's not me!"
"Yeah, you can tell that's not you because he looks like an Elf!"

-"His hit song is '99 Problems but Being Bill Ain't One'!"

-"We need to go stop this fake Bill."
"No, we should just let everyone think that this dude is the real Bill."
"Yeah, and our Bill is just Bill Salamander."
"Why not just Salamander?"
"Because we're not smart enough to remember not to call you Bill."
"Oh, good point."

That's it for this session. Stay tuned next time to see what the PCs do, and how quickly they lose their now vehicle!

RPGpundit

Currently Smoking: Winslow Crown Cutty + C&D's Delta Days