DCC Campaign Update: I Think Bill Has a Serious Problem With Onanism

In our last session, the PC party was left scattered to the winds. Sami left the group forever to go run off with Blob Loblaw the Law Blob. Heidi and the Catboy had fled the Sky-Nazis and found Minotauria. Everyone had just forgotten all about the wizard, who was left behind on the Kekistani sky-ship. And Bill and the rest of the party had planar-stepped off back to the Rose Dome, where it had all started.

Now:

-The wizard had accidentally locked himself inside a smuggler's compartment in the Kekistani's ship. At the start of this session, they finally find him.
"You still here? The others left!"
"They didn't look for me?"
"I think they forget about you even existing!"

-"What do we do with this wizard?"
"We could maybe sell him in Lol?"
"Maybe!"

-"We can't just keep calling your character 'the wizard'. What do we call him?"
"Feather fall?"
"Farts?"
"I guess just 'the purple mutant wizard' for now"

-The Feather-Fall Wizard is with the Kekistanis on their ship, heading to Lol, when they're intercepted by a strange clam-shaped Sky-ship.
"It is the one that was following other guys.."
"They are hailing..."
"YOU WILL GIVE US THE WIZARD OR BE EXTERMINATED!"
"How much reward will you give us?"

-The clam ship opens its bay doors and hundreds of flying Guardian Robots stream out!
"EXTERMINATE!"

-"Oh shit! The Man is allied to BOLT-1!"
"Do you think maybe everyone who hates us is joining a grand alliance against us?"

-The Guardian Robots and The Man board the Kekistani ship, and exterminate the Kekistanis. The Man confronts the Feather Fall Wizard.
"If you cooperate with me and don't get in the way of what I have to do, I promise you'll come out alive when all of this is over. That's more than Bill the Elf could promise you."
"To be fair that's true, Bill promised him nothing other than tears!"

-"Now, I'm going to give you this probe.. so you'd best think warm thoughts. It'll be mighty cold where this is going."
"Damn. Abandoned by the group, and kidnapped by our enemies. Two 'missed-last-session' excuses in one!"

-Meanwhile, Bill the Elf and his group are looking at the Rose Dome, where the whole campaign started.
"So this is the place that's responsible for you?"

-"Are your people there?"
"No, they were driven out by a bunch of old wizards."

-They ring the buzzer.
"Go away!"
"Um.. we're refugees!"
"We're not interested!"
"We have money!"
"We're not interested!"
"We have memes!"
"What?"
"Memes!"
"What?"
"Memes!"
"What?"
"This goes on for some time..."

-"You sound like an old wizard..."
"I am an old wizard!"
"Well, that confirms it."

-"This is the Association of Retired Wizards."
"They're shut-ins!"

-"We could try to fight dozens of wizards, and take the dome, or we could just cast Locate Object."
"Yeah, but I'm really weak right now."
"Is there anything dangerous here in the forest?"
"I don't think so. There used to be an old lady who sold magic apples for sexual favors, but I took care of her."
"What do you mean 'took care of her'?"

-Meanwhile, Heidi and Catboy have found Minotauria!
"In Minotauria we have three classes: the thinkers who rule, the warriors who fight, and the workers who serve."
"Oh, how Platonic!"
"I'm not familiar with the reference but whoever put that idea in your head is very well-read."

-"I'm Heidi."
"And what's your name?"
"Pleased to meet you. I'm called... Zeke."

-"How would you like having an army of minotaurs, Heidi?"
"I'm listening..."
"I'm going to make up some scriptural thing, like Zeke does, to get the minotaurs on our side."

-"Your plans are complicated, Catboy."
"Well, it either ends with us getting an army of minotaurs, or an angry mob of minotaurs with torches and pitchforks. I'm good with that."

-For entertainment at dinner, Heidi wrestles with one of the Minotaur Warriors.
"I bet 400sp on the newcomer.."
"Star Trek Fight Music ensues..."

-"I won 400gp on Heidi!"
"I trust that money is going straight to the Lord, 'Zeke'?"

-"Elders, there's another stranger found in the village!"
"Could he be a companion of yours?"
"I don't know... what does he look like?"
"He's a purple mutant wizard."
"Huh. Doesn't ring a bell..."
"Fuck you!"

-"The Purple Wizard was teleported here by the dagger of teleportation."
"It was for a long time the coolest magical weapon in the entire campaign, until the Potato Dagger showed up!"

-"The Sword of Neutrality is probably the most powerful magical weapon."
"Yeah, you know how powerful it is when if it was possible for Heidi to amputate his alignment and replace it with cyber-neutrality he'd do it in a split second for that sword."

-"What happened to you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I was on the Kekistani ship, and then I was here."
"OK, that sounds plausible."

-"Well, stranger, if you are a friend of Zeke and Heidi, you are welcome here in Minotauria!"
"Yes, he's our friend. I'm Zeke... I mean Heidi!"
"I'm Zeke! He's Heidi!"
"what?"

-"The prophecies of the book of scripture say there are four great races: elves, dwarves, humans and minotaurs."
"This is strange, because our own histories say the Minotaur race began with the time of the Great Disaster, born of the union of an intelligent cow and a radioactive mutant."
"Um.. yeah, well... you are born of that to fulfill the prophecy!"
"Yes.. for as the prophet Nomiah said... um... peace be upon them?"
"Man, Zeke is going to be so pissed off at us."

-"I cast locate object."
"You have to spellburn!"
"OK, I spellburn."
"You actually didn't have to spellburn. That's Planar Step."
"Oh. Can I have it back?"
"No, it's your own fault for listening to the Catboy."
"It's the only way he'll learn."
"Tough, but fair!"

-"Bill teleports his party into the bathroom of the Minotaur home, terrifying a Minotaur servant woman."
"And don't forget, Bill is still in his sky-goering PJs!"

-"Master, a whole group of strangers have appeared out of nowhere in the baths!"
"It's about time!"

-"Any friends of Zeke and Heidi are welcome here."
"Huh?"
"Zeke. I'm Zeke, standing right here!"
"So the Catboy is Zeke now?"

-"What happened to your stuff?"
"There was an incident."
"Bill adds his name to the book of grievances."

-Bill tries Locate again, fumbles, and is now blinded for 4 days.

-"You are more than welcome to stay here for as long as you like, while your friend recovers from his insanity."
"That will never happen."

-"So you are all here now to fulfill the Minotaur prophecy?"
"Um, we were but we're not anymore."
"But you made that sound so important before!"
"Not anymore."
"Yeah, now we have to go back to our home dimension or something."

-"Hey Minotaur Warrior, will you come with us?"
"I don't think so."
"What?"
"But think of the glory! You'll get gold and fight monsters and potentially have probes put inside you!"

-"Do you have a brother who's like you?"
"No. I do have a brother, but he's nothing like me. He's of the philosopher caste"
"Oh well, we'll try to find one..."
"So you don't want the philosopher to go with you?"

-"The party needs to go to Bill's room to rest, but he cast Sequester on it."
"Bill?"
"Bill grabs a chair and props it against the door."
"Bill??"
"I make fake masturbation noises."
"Let's go find some other room to sleep in, guys."

-"You know Bill, spilling your seed is a sin against G.O.D."
"I didn't, I just made noises to keep you guys away."
"Lying is also a sin."
"And a product of excessive masturbation!"
"So is blindness!"

-The next day, Heidi and Catboy go out to Minotauria's capital, in search of its finest warrior to recruit.
"We see Prince Minocles for a great quest!"
"Yes, to save the Crown of Creation from the corruption of the Dark Ones."
"Yeah, the cosmology is kind of complicated but we're not comolologists so we can't really explain all the details."

-"We need to give Minocles a weapon."
"I'm sure you have a +1 Sword."
"No, you have it."
"Oh, yeah, I have it."

-"We will go to the Crown and destroy the Dark Ones!"
"Yes, but first we have to go deal with the blue elves and some other things."
"Oh, so its a kind of Hero's  Journey legend... even better!"
"Yes. It'll be kind of like a great Epic saga, but a bit disappointing in the middle part, and then probably at the end too."

-"How are we doing this?"
"We haven't fucked up this society, and we got a competent ally?"
"Well, he's probably evil."
"You think?"
"I shall complete this quest, and then be a hero. Then I will take my rightful power from these prattling philosophers, and then conquer the world!"
"Oh."

-Bill tries to cast a spell but ends up getting called on by Sezrekhan, who now demands he must go to the Plane of Blood & Fire and obtain the Rod of Belial.
"Oh great!"

-"Bill, what do we say to yet another side quest?"
"Not today..."

-"So we have to wait another day for Bill?"
"My friends, I think our friend Bill has a serious problem with Onanism."

-"My Lord, there are strange lights in the sky!"
"It could be Sky-Ships looking like us!"
"Do they look like big spinning swastikas?"
"No sky-nazi ships look like that, dude!!"
"Hey, who's the sky-nazi here, you or me?"

-"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
"Its the Guardian Robots!"
"How many are there?"
"About 150."
"Oh, shit."

-"I'm going to planar step away!"
"You'd have to spellburn."
"OK."
"The spellburn says you must sacrifice some of your hair to the flames"
"But Bill has a cobra head with no hair!"
"Well, you have pubes..."

-"The Guardian Robots are firing on all of you to kill, except the Catboy. With him they're only firing to stun."
"Even the Guardian Robots don't want to be thought of as Sky-nazis!"

-"How many have we killed?"
"So far? One."
"Only 149 to go!"

-Bill the Elf finally manages to get his Planar Step off, after buring some of his pubes.
"You arrive in the Deep Neutral Zone. Somewhere close to the Door of 16 Gates."
"We need to find it but there's no landmarks here."
"Here's what we'll do: we'll fly out in circles and if you find something fire one shot. If there's danger fire three shots."
"If there's danger, fire seventy-three shots!"
"If you fire only seventy-two, we won't come."

-"I think it's really hilarious that now the Sky-Mexican is really convinced that he actually was a sky-nazi agent all along."
"Yes, especially since there's no more proof of that than that he ever was a sky-mexican."
"All the other sky-mexicans we met were secretly sky-nazis."
"Yes, but he doesn't actually remember being a sky-nazi, he's just convinced himself of that anyways."

-At that point, we were forced to stop. Bill the Elf, on winning the 'best roleplay' bonus of the night, just gets past the limits to qualify for level 9!
"I did it! I'm level 9!"
"Only after one night's rest."
"Everyone make sure to not let Bill get any sleep!"


That's it for today. Will the PCs get to the Door of 16 Gates? Will they recover the power rings? Will they go on Sezrekhan's side-quest? Will Bill the Elf actually get to level 9 (of DCC's 10-level system)? You'll have to check back with us next time to find out!


RPGPundit

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