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Friday, 12 July 2019

DCC Campaign Update: That Demon Will Need a Cyborg Ass if He Survives This

In our last session, the PCs had managed to recover the last of the five power rings needed to purify the Crown of Creation. But they were stuck 20 levels deep in the Realm of Blood & Fire, and had to find their way out.


-"So everyone was together except the Ratfucker Wizard.."
"Who was on the ship.."
"...and the Trans-Warrior.."
"Who was lost in the Deep Neutral Zone, yes."

-"Ratfucker Wizard, do a Fortitude save."
"...really? Oh. Shit. I was expecting you to fail. Um.. I'll get back to you."

-"Trans-warrior, you're trapped in the Deep Neutral Zone."
"Do you have any way to get out?"
"Um... what about my sword? Can it do something?"
"What about it?"
"It's the Sword of Neutrality. And we're in the Neutral Zone."
"Oh! OK... your sword is glowing more than usual in that case."

-"Catboy drinks a potion of Invisibility and then goes to the next room."
"OK, you see there's some Archdemons there."
"He goes back!"
"What? No! Go on! What's the point of having drunk the potion of Invisibility if you can't go on??"
"Go on and do it!"
"If you were cool you'd do it!"

-"Heidi should have done this instead of Catboy."
"Well, he should have done this without drinking the Invisibility Potion, because he'd attack everything in his path anyways."

-Facing the Archdemons, Invisible Catboy puts the sleep rune in Roman's hand.
"Here use this.."
"What is this..ohhh"
"God damn it, he wasn't supposed to look at it and fall asleep!"

-"So if I miss my shot, there's a chance I'll hit Minocles, or a chance I'll hit one of the other two Archdemons?"
"I like those odds!"

-"you guys get 2xp."
"Oh come on! I almost died!"
"That's because you charged right into the demons. Anyone who didn't do something stupid was fine."
"Roman even had a little nap!"

-The Trans-mutant is in the neutral zone. Suddenly, the Lords of Neutrality appear!
"We have taken a moderate interest in your sword."
"Oh no."
"What is your name?"
"Omthal the Neutral."
"Ha! He's trying to suck up to the Lords of Neutrality!"

-"Is he Trans-Neutral?"
"No, that's Heidi."

-"What is your favorite Ice Cream?"
"That is an acceptable answer. We would also have accepted 'wintergreen' or 'unflavored'."

-"We shall give you three choices: The first is that you give us the sword. The second is that you swear loyalty to us and become our champion. The third is that you do nothing and we go away."

-"Congratulations on becoming a Champion of Neutrality."
"No, the right response is 'meh'; you have much to learn!"
"Do I?"
"You are improving."

-The Ratfucker Wizard, who made his saving throw, finds that the closet he was in with his rat is filling up with some kind of poison gas.
"I cast magic shield!"
"OK, it fails, and wouldn't have protected you against poison gas anyways. Now you pass out."
"So the trans-warrior gets to become a Champion of Neutrality, and the wizard got a nap."

-The main party keeps slogging through the Realm of Blood & Fire; now joined by the Trans-Warrior, who was sent there by the Lords of Neutrality.
"He's an archdemon, so I shoot him in the balls."

-"I'm sorry the ratfucker wizard is missing all the XP farming."
"I cry in Level 1."

-"Heidi rushes forward into a room full of blood zombies."
"I wait for the others."
"They are already following you in."
"Yeah, the rest of the party gave up on trying to stop you and just follow you wherever you charge."

-"Should we really waste our bullets on these guys?"
"Dude, I have six full clips!"

-"Are these 1xp zombies or 2xp zombies?"
"Probably depends on our initiative roll."

-The Trans-mutant warrior is taken down by a demon.
"He's 1xp from leveling!"
"He was one day from retiring!"
"Highway to the danger zone!"

-"The demon trips and falls face first in front of vizi."
"Oh my!"

-"I shove my Holy M16 into his ass!"
"You succeed and do your regular damage plus 1d4 ass damage."

-"That demon will need a cyborg ass if he survives this."

-"I take the Sword of Neutrality and give it to Vizi."
"I trust that he'll use it better than the Trans-Mutant Warrior."
"Yeah but watch out, he's a badass now, he can summon the Lords of Neutrality."
"But not now, that hit left him a vegetable."
"Isn't that just the ultimate level of Neutrality?"

-The party finally finds an exit to the material plane, and fly back to the ship.
"So now what do we do?"
"We have to cast the rings into the sun. But there's a catch.."
"Do you mean, someone has to be cast into the sun with the rings?"
"Wait, does it have to be you, Roman?"
"No. It can be any pure-strain human, elf or dwarf."
"Everyone is looking at the Sky-cleric."

-Catboy opens the closet to check on the Ratfucker Wizard, only to find that The Man is in the closet, and fires on Catboy with his chaos-bullet gun!
"He rolls and even though he's at point-blank range, the bullet doesn't hit you. Instead it seems to vanish. The Man scream 'nooo'!"
"Holy fuck, he misfired again!"

-"Vizi sunders The Man's gun, and hits him so hard he gives The Man brain damage. The Man teleports away."
"Vizi, you get 2xp. Catboy, you get 3xp."
"Why does he get more than me?"
"Well, Catboy was the one obvious target whose life was in danger. Also, he's only being hunted by The Man because some dude from my Youtube channel keeps asking if I've killed the Catboy yet. So I kind of owe him one."

-"Catboy gets the Chaos Bullets. Oh, wait... I can't use them. I love Anema and it would probably be bad if I accidentally killed the Spirit of the Sun. I give them to Heidi."
"Yeah but Heidi loves Bill. He might kill him!"
"Is that a problem?"

-"computer, analyze treatment for trans-mutant warrior."
"Ohh.. Vizi is suddenly feeling really sick too!"

-"Vizi is turning into the Milo Yiannopoulos of the Last Sun."

-"Catboy texts The Man: Who did you kill now, your mom? See you next time!"

-In the end, the party calls up Krishnan, who brings with him an elven monk ready to sacrifice himself to the sun.
"Catboy was hoping Krishnan would just sacrifice himself!"

-"So, if we're going into the Sun, none of us should go there who have Patrons, right?"
"None of us have Patrons, right Trans-Mutant?"
"OK, cool."

-"Couldn't Korean Jesus detect if the trans-mutant has a Patron Bond?"
"No, his bond is too Neutral."

-"Korean Jesus is opening the portal to the center of the sun.. oh wait, first I have to give you all sunglasses."
"Right, that will help."

-"Is it done?"
"I don't feel anything..."
"Why the fuck would you feel anything, Vizi?!"
"No, I mean I literally don't feel anything! I've been pumping this vaporizer directly into my armor's air supply!"

-The rings having been sacrificed to the Sun, supposedly the corruption has ended. But the Cleric's powers have not yet returned. The party gets ready to travel to the Crown of Creation.
"Here, take a vial of my Jesus-blood, just in case."
"Wait, Republican Jesus, you just had a vial of your blood on you?"
"Yeah, man. I don't know why I have it or when I filled it, but I'm sure it's still good."

-"When the party arrives at the Crown of creation, the Trans-mutant warrior hears very bland whispers in his head saying 'invoke neutrality!!'"
"I try to invoke neutrality."
"You fail, and the voices say 'OK, nevermind'."

-"G.O.D. is finally restored in manifest corporeal form... and he looks like a dim English bald guy."

-"G.O.D.'s operating in Safety Mode. He can't fix everything, but at least he probably won't make things worse."

-"I could probably fix him..."
"No, Catboy!"
"But I'm lucky!"
"You're not going to fix G.O.D. by pawing at the keyboard!"

-"Hey! You save universe, good for you!"
"What is that? Where's that voice coming from?"
"Its seemingly coming from nowhere."
"It is me, Nikos!"
"Where are you?"
"I am in Trans-Spatial Rhombus. I like it here!"
"Is Lenny there?"
"Yeah, hi guys!"
"Can Lenny come back?"
"OK, sure I send Lenny back!"

-"Nikos will grant whole party one wish. But ALL in party who are still alive must agree. Also, wish is slightly cursed."

-"Do we have to make the wish now?"
"No! You make at any time. Only all of you must agree! If only one is left alive, then he can wish what he like."

-"So this could be like, a wish tontine, where the last one alive gets it?"

-"I think we should wish that the sky-nazi didn't have any accent at all!"
"I would agree with that, I hate people with dumb accents, my friends."
"Shut up, Zeke!"

-"I'm going to have to stay here to make sure G.O.D. doesn't crash, and to get him working better. G.O.D., recognize me as an ancient and assign A-1 Command clearance."
"So... you're basically G.O.D. now?"
"No. I'm G.O.D.'s programmer."

-"you guys, are we absolutely sure that Roman isn't a daemon?"
"No, he's really an Ancient."
"Oh, that's OK then, I'm sure an Ancient won't go all megalomaniacal with absolute power and make things worse..."
"Oh, shit."

-Leaving Roman behind in the Crown of Creation, but taking Lenny the Cannibal Saint back with them, the party returns to the sun.
"Hey, Lenny, can heal us?"
"Sure! From the time I was in the supernal triangle I'm super full of Saint power!"
"Can you restore Bill, Lenny?"
"Wait!! Um, can I talk to you alone, Lenny?"
"What about, Catboy?"
"Um... cannibalism."
"Oh, OK sure!"

-Catboy is desperately trying to convince Lenny not to bring Bill back.
"But it would be super mean to just leave Bill like that! I'm not used to excluding people... normally I'm the one who gets excluded."
"Why would we exclude you, Lenny?"
"Well... because I'm socially awkward?... oh, and a cannibal."

-Catboy fails to convince Lenny, and Lenny uses up most of his super-saint power to bring Bill back from rat form.
"Welcome back, Bill!"
"Bill has too many ResponsiBILLities to stay away!"

-"we should take the sunstaff with us."
"But if something happened to it, we would never be able to get back to the Crown of Creation."
"Shut up, Zeke!"
"Yeah, stop using reason!"

-"Taking the sunstaff would fit the recklessness of our party."

-"Let's decide in the morning, and all get some rest."
"Yeah, and level up!"

That's it for this session. Where will the PCs go from here, after having saved the universe yet again? Find out next time!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

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