In our last session, the PCs had managed to defeat the demons guarding the Pythian Negabomb, and to disarm the bomb. Now they just have to get it up a multi-level fortress and back onto their ship.
Now:
-The Trans-Mutant warrior is in the Neutral Zone, in front of the Lords of Neutrality.
"Hello. We have summoned you here for an update."
"OK."
"...no, I mean we want you to give us an update!"
"The situation is... pretty even."
"Excellent."
-"Very well, we have obtained enough information to be moderately satisfied but not completely fulfilled."
"Then I'm moderately proud."
-The Catboy suddenly says "I don't feel so good", and then vanishes from sight, replaced immediately by the Trans-Mutant Warrior!
-"So Catboy is our spider-man?"
"Yeah."
"Heidi is Iron Man!"
"Bill is our Dr. Strange."
"What's the Sky-Mexican?"
"He's like, Ant-Man's friend."
"And the newbs?"
"The secondary characters no one cares about."
-"So is Roman like Nick Fury?"
"Yes."
-"Sezrekhan is our Ultron."
"G.O.D. is our Thanos."
-"I guess Zeke's like Captain Marvel: no one likes the character but we just can't seem to get rid of them."
-"I like how the first page of my campaign update is just going to be you guys speculating on which characters are like characters from the Avengers."
-"OK, I'm going to fly out of the castle and up to the UFOe to talk to Zeke."
"NO! You always get lost, Heidi!"
-"where were you, trans-mutant warrior?"
"Um.. I don't remember. I was here and then it was all grey for a moment and then I was back here."
"The grey realms?"
"Or the Colorblind Empire!"
"Is there a place called the Colorblind Empire?"
"There is now!"
"There's a Realm of Colors, so logically..."
-"The Zombie Temple has a big sacrifice pit and a giant crusher and a drainage system."
"Industrial level sacrifice!"
-The party gets lost trying to find their way back to the stairs.
"This corridor leads to the floating testicles, I think."
-"Cleric, why don't you ask G.O.D. to teleport us?"
"I thought you didn't want to do that?"
"No, I didn't want to teleport. I don't care you if you want to."
-The cleric manages to teleport everyone... except Heidi, and the bomb.
"Damn it, G.O.D., the bomb was the most important thing!!"
-"The Divination said there were enemies on the roof..."
"Hey, enemies, attack us!"
"Suddenly, 14 shadow-ghouls step out from nearby shadows and attack!"
"What the hell?"
"They came out of nowhere!"
"There's two things you need to know about shadow ghouls..."
-"Heidi, are you doing anything meanwhile?"
"Hello...? Anyone...?"
"He cries in Iron Man."
-"The Trans-Mutant Warrior tries to cut the Shadow Ghoul in perfect balance, so as to separate the equal parts of the shadow half and the ghoul half!"
"He's really taking this Neutrality thing seriously..."
-"Heidi? Any plan to reunite with your team?"
"Heidi punches the ceiling to try to get to the roof."
"Heidi is the Punchmaster!"
-The party faces the Wight Commander, but Minocles manages to slay him.
"I am finally satisfied with this quest!"
-The party gets back on the ship.
"Computer, contact Roman."
"LOCATION UNKNOWN"
"Computer, contact G.O.D."
"COMPUTER NOT CAPABLE OF CONTACTING G.O.D RECOMMEND SEEKING ASSISTANCE OF A CLERIC"
"The computer is dissing you, Cleric"
-After getting some advice, the Cleric offers up the negabomb to the Crown of Creation.
"Now Roman has the biggest grenade of all time, in the roof of the entire universe!"
-"Where do we go from here?"
"Fuck Station Aleph?"
"We're not allowed!"
"Why not go to Minotauria, so I can claim my throne!?"
-"Minocles do you really want to leave us?"
"I have enjoyed my time here, but it has been my dream from childhood to murder the Council of Philosophers and claim the throne with absolute power!"
"OK, we could help you with that!"
"I believe you could."
-Meanwhile, Catboy is in the Neutral Zone.
"We are the Lords of Neutrality."
"That checks out."
-"Polymorph us!"
"Sure... but I have to warn you, Heidi, every time I cast this spell I destroy a tiny civilization."
"That's fine."
"Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr.Pacifist!"
-"It bugs me that Catboy got ice cream from the Lords of Neutrality."
"Vanilla!"
"But you could have gotten that from the ship's replicator."
"Damn... I should have asked for Wintergreen."
-"I want you to polymorph me into a human."
"Why?"
"Because mutants are an abomination."
"You've been spending too much time with the sky-cleric."
-After a rest now that he's back on the ship, Catboy levels up to level 6!
"Now I get a custom title."
"Yes... you're a Lorist."
"What the fuck is a Lorist?"
"Someone with lore?"
"That makes sense."
"No it doesn't!"
"Catboy the sage?"
"No, he's the Lorist.. he speaks for the trees!"
"Now you have to get to level 7 just to get a less crappy title!"
-Among the newbs, the Dwarf reaches level 1!
"What the hell was his name, anyways?"
"Kothar, son of Kathar."
"Your father was a heretic."
"That's the whole joke."
-"So what are we supposed to call you now, Bill?"
"Elfchick!"
"So... Chick the Elf?"
"No! Don't fuck this up for me, Catboy!"
-The party contacts the Sun.
"Who is this?"
"Korean Jesus? It's Catboy!"
"You sons of bitches!"
"What? What happened?"
"Big Jesus fight. You ruined everything!"
"Is Anema OK?"
"Yes. We are not crazy!"
"Call us when things calm down."
"No! You're banned!"
"Great! Another place we can never go back to."
-"The Catboy removes the Sky-Cleric's ship command authorization."
"Zeke removes the Catboy's ship command authorization!"
"So now Zeke is the only one with command over the ship?"
"Oh shit, he's indispensable now!"
-The party returns to Minotauria.
"Hey Minocles, let me introduce you..."
"Very well, Heidi."
"Behold! It is King Minocles! He is... um... I don't know.. submit or die!"
"Heidi wasn't actually prepared."
"Good speech!"
-"We should have given Minocles a hat that says Make Minotauria Great Again"
"MMGA!"
-When tensions get high between the guard, the Philosophers and Minocles, the PCs take the King hostage.
"Stop, or I kill the King!"
"Father, tell the guard to serve me!"
"I will not, my son. You are full of delusional power fantasies fueled by these unstable adventurers!"
-"Minocles is King... after Heidi decapitated his dad!"
"Now, kill all the philosophers!"
"No! You need some to be kept alive!"
"Why?"
"Because they know stuff!"
"No, don't listen to them. Kill every philosopher!"
"Damn it, Bill!"
-"My friend, I agree with Bill."
"You do, Zeke?"
"Yes, you don't need philosophers, you need more G.O.D.!"
-"So, we're plunging this society into the dark ages?"
"No, just making it more religious and adding high-tech lethal weapons! So Minocles can conquer, and Zeke can spread the word!"
"What could possibly go wrong?"
-"So Minocles will stay here as king, and Zeke as his Master of Whispers?"
"More like High Sparrow."
"I'm not sure about that, my friends. My place might still be with you, following G.O.D.'s missions."
"Let me rephrase, Zeke: we've had enough of you."
-"I shall keep these two newbs, the ones who aren't the dwarf."
"The torturer newb can help you!"
"Yes. The torturer will have a great place in my new government."
-"Well, my friends, you're G.O.D.'s problem now."
"G.O.D. just told the cleric he has to get and sacrifice a garbage bag full of hallucinogenic moss from some giant goblins in the Southwestern Continent."
"G.O.D. is Roman's secretary now."
-The party leaves Minotauria, without Zeke or Minocles, and heads toward FSA where they plan to go in disguise.
"Give me authorization for the ship or I'll kill you!"
"You guys have been 2 seconds without an NPC along and you're already threatening to kill each other."
-"Is this your first time on Fuck Station Aleph?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"No one has been here before!"
"What are you doing, Heidi? God damn it, what's your INT?"
"6."
"Oh! Yeah, that's why we're friends."
"That's literally why you're friends, because Heidi's INT is too low to shake off your Charm Person spell."
-Catboy, waiting in the hangar bay, drags the sofa off the ship and sets up a little sign saying 'Try Outs! Now Hiring."
-"What would you want to buy?"
"100 plasma rifles."
"...let me get my manager."
-The manager is a slick green mutant named Qorl.
"Hi handsome!"
"I'm here to talk business, your blue elven charms will have no effect on me."
-"We plan to arm a small primitive civilization."
"So, are we warlords now?"
-Catboy tries out a variety of losers.
"So far there's bonglio the diviner, who I think is just a fraud. Specter, a punk with a mohawk who's an amateur thief. Charis the blob-creature meth-addict. And a bounty hunter guy in cool armor."
-The bounty hunter is being interviewed.
"So what's your name?"
"Anesh Gupta."
"Anesh Gupta? Interesting."
"Oh.. um, no, it's a fake ID!"
-"...I assume that helmets are not hats, right?"
"Um... yeah?"
"Then we shouldn't have a problem."
"No?"
"OK!"
-A Kekistani guy tries out.
"What are you skills?"
"Piloting, smuggling, thievery, memes."
-Heidi finally gets his cybernetic arms!
"They're great! What about..."
"We could not replace your nipples, this is beyond our level of technology."
-Catboy hires Charis the blob.
"Hi. I'm elfchick!"
"Well I'm very happy to be here, darlin!"
"Bill got a female friend before Sami!"
-Catboy also hires on Specter, in spite of his probably having no discernible talents.
"This is The Specter."
"It's just Specter."
-Qorl actually works for "the Organization", which the PCs found out only later was actually the FSA Mafia. He gets them their guns in exchange for a deal where his people will be the long-term arm suppliers to Minotauria, and he sends a communication dish tower with them, along with a mobster and a mafia I.T.-guy.
-"I like how the catboy didn't hire the fortune teller, even though he passed the test of correctly predicting the gender of the next applicant."
"Yeah."
-"Hey, I could only take 2 NPCs, and I liked Charis and Specter."
"You only took Specter because he reminds you of a younger version of catboy!"
"You saw right through me there."
"Catboy sees the potential in him."
"No, he sees that Specter's patheticness will make look less pathetic by comparison."
"You found me out!"
And with that, re-armed and re-stocked with NPCs, the party flies for Minotauria. Will their plan to set up their own little southern-hemisphere home base work out for them? Or will arming a barbarian king who just murdered all his philosophers while putting him in touch with the Mob somehow go horribly wrong? Stay tuned to find out the nearly-inevitable answer!
RPGPundit
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