As of the end of the previous session, the PCs had been teleported by the Time Dinosaurs to the outskirts of the Tholian Underwear Factory, the location that held the secrets to the insane random-minotaur-attacks they'd been suffering for some time now.
The Factory itself is on the outskirts of Thelos, the capital city of Tholia, an empire ruled by Minotaurs. The PCs noted to their surprise that this was a fairly advanced civilization, with signs of an early-20th-century tech level. They would soon learn that humans and other non-minotaurs were, at best, treated like second-class citizens, if not as outright slaves.
-"We're missing all our magic-users"
"Ack'basha's a cleric; that's like a magic user with extra judgmentalism!"
-Suddenly, the skies part and a beam of light descends. And teleporting in: a chicken!
-"Seriously, a chicken now?"
-The chicken turns out to be a magical Messenger Chicken:
"BCKAW! I come bearing a message for the mighty wizards!"
"BCKAW! The one named Bill the Elf, and the Fishman wizard, and the one known as Ropework"
"So... 'mighty' is relative, huh?"
-The message is from the "High Council of Wizards" inviting the PC wizards to the 'grand conclave'... but none of the party's wizards are there to receive it.
"You're going to stay with us until you deliver the message?"
"I will have to - BCKAW"
"I'm already regretting it, you're very annoying!"
"I was created for this!"
"To be annoying?"
"NO! BCKAW! To deliver the message"
-"Maybe we should just eat him?"
"BCKAW!! I'll warn you - this chicken was created with defense mechanisms!"
-Just then, a vehicle is spotted coming up the hill. The PCs note it is guarded by a minotaur and looks like it might be some kind of transport, or a prison truck.
-Ack'basha stands in the middle of the road, forcing the truck to stop, and after a very brief effort to pull off a bluff, the PCs just say 'screw it' and take out the Minotaur guard.
-Zeke Bodean is hit with a rifle shot, but miraculously survives!
-The truck has three prisoners on board: a human bandit, a human candy-maker, and a halfling marine. It turns out they were all prisoners of the Tholian empire, being sent to the factory for reasons unknown (though they suspected it was for nothing good).
-The three newbie prisoners are assumed to be new party members, as everyone knows cannon fodder comes in threes.
"Join us! Together, we will save the world many times, usually after fucking it up in the first place!"
-The prisoners do know that the factory is run by a mutant wizard who is part of the Minotaur emperor's trusted inner circle, a magic-user by the name of Pertinax. The PCs suppose he's the one behind the random minotaur attacks they've been suffering all this time.
-the chicken confirms that Pertinax had also been invited to the Grand Conclave.
"So he's powerful?"
"I wouldn't say that proves anything; remember, the chicken said they invited Ropework too"
-Ack'basha has a plan that involves Animating the dead minotaur to help them sneak past the factory gate. Slight problem: the minotaur has multiple wounds, was set on fire, and fell down a 70ft drop.
"He doesn't look very good."
"Well, If someone asks, we tell them he got a bit scuffed fixing the truck!"
"He's charred to a husk!"
"Aw, fuck it, let's do it anyway."
-The gate is only manned remotely via intercom, which means that their insanely stupid plan looks like it might even work, only as they approach a foreman at the loading dock sees them and immediately realizes something is horribly wrong.
-The PCs block the gate with the truck and then run through the lobby of the Tholian Underwear Factory. The lobby has plush carpeting, bright garish colors, and features walls lined with posters of Minotaur underwear-models.
-"Don't move! This Halfling is a BOMB!"
(incredibly, that actually works; mostly because the way Halflings are in this campaign, it's certainly believable that they'd be suicide bombers)
-When they get past the front lobby and into the showroom, the Minotaur security guards are less credulous.
"That Minotaur is shooting at Chu!"
"NO. No! We're done with that! No more of the "Chu" puns!"
-the Candy-man takes a bullet and falls to the ground, his bag of candy breaking open and spilling all over, slowly mingling with his blood in a scene reminiscent of a tragic French art film.
"he's a pinata!"
"you had to ruin the moment..."
"eww, it's all sticky!"
-Ack'Basha creates an area of magical Darkness between them and the Minotaur security guards. The PCs can't see them, but they can hear the following:
"What do we do?"
"Bob, Jim, you guys run through!"
"You bet, it's my third day on the job and I'm ready for anything!"
"Yeah, and nothing is going to happen to me because I'm only two days from retirement!"
-Some of the PCs burst through into the administration area, where a terrified Minotaur secretary screams at their arrival.
"Don't be alarmed, miss! We mean you no harm!....well, I mean you no harm. This guy here might mean you harm. And there's a couple of us back there killing some security guards that will definitely mean you harm when they get here!"
-The PCs move on to another room, a huge room full of cubicles manned by a couple of dozen minotaurs in suits and ties.
"oh shit! It's the Human Jihad, bros!"
-"Stop being so intolerant at us! Humans are peace-loving!"
"Dude, we've already killed dozens of minotaurs.."
-The PCs run for it, taking the minotaur secretary as a hostage.
"Please don't kill me please! I have a cat!!"
-"BCKAW! My innate magic chicken-sense tells me that the Wizard is this way!"
-"Chicken, which way now??"
"For fuck's sake, this is what we've been reduced to... we're following a magic chicken."
-"Please please I don't want to die! I need to know how all my favorite TV shows end!!"
"These minotaurs have a very advanced civilization!"
-The wizard Pertinax turns out to be the first truly competent wizard-villain the PCs have ever faced. When they get to the board room where he was hiding, he's already magically camouflaged and proceeds to Magic Missile the living fuck out of the entire party.
-Everyone in the party is dropped to negative HP, except Zeke Bodean who is only knocked unconscious, again. Incredibly, every single party member manages to make their luck check to avoid death.
-The PCs wake up, stripped of their items, chained up to a wall (Ack'basha is also gagged for good measure), and the wizard Pertinax proceeds to mockingly explain his overly complex ritual to attain immortality. He confirms, proudly, that he had been enchanting some of the Minotaur underwear produced at the factory and this was how the Minotaurs were being randomly teleported to the PCs, and geased to violently attack them. All with the idea that the PCs would slay these minotaurs, making them a sacrifice to gradually empower his rite. If the PCs ended up slaying 1000 of the minotaurs, the ritual would be complete and he would attain immortality!
"That... that's so fucking retarded!"
-"But now, I must decide what to do with you... if I let you go, you will seek revenge. But if I kill you, then Bill the Elf might come seeking to avenge your deaths."
(cue wails of BWAH HAH HAH HAH laughter from all the players)
-Initially, Pertinax decides to just kill the PCs. But then his Minotaur Vice-President of Operations, Winston Minotaur, suggests that Pertinax could still get at least a few more Minotaur-sacrifices off of them by setting them up in "some kind of Thunderdome situation".
-"Once I achieve Immortality, I will overthrow the Minotaur Emperor, end his peaceful policies and once more Minotaurkind will rampage over the lesser races!"
"So wait, you're rebels against the Emperor?"
"No, the rebels are the lesser races trying to overthrow the Emperor. We're reactionaries!"
-"My friend, my skills as a Scriptural Archeologist might be of use to you if you don't kill me."
"Trust me, they're not."
-"Maybe we could be of use to your Daemon patron?"
"The Daemon of Blood and Fire does not waste his time on proles!"
"What does he waste his time on?"
"Blood! And fire!"
-Just when things are looking grim, someone sabotages the underwear pressure sterilizer!
"It's the magic chicken! He's fucking rescuing us!!"
"Yeah, and look, he found a little Rambo-headband somewhere!"
-With the factory in chaos, the PCs get freed by the chicken and start to flee.
"You guys realize that the chicken is now the third-most useful member of this party, right?"
"Yeah, it's pretty sad."
"Hey, be grateful, that chicken saved your worthless lives!"
-Having managed to escape the factory before it explodes, the PCs realize that Pertinax almost certainly escaped. Having found some material they think will reveal his treasonous plans, they decide to make their way through the hills toward the capital city, in the hopes of revealing all this to the Emperor himself. Not so much because its the good-guy thing to do, as because they really don't have any way to get out of here until they find their missing wizards.
That's it for today, stay tuned next time for more crazy DCC adventuring!
Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Solani Aged Burley Flake