Thursday, 17 November 2016
DCC Campaign Update: The Fire Vampire doesn't have a Twitter account
Our heroes, having defeated the Duke of Abstinence's orcish army, were welcomed to Coolland as conquering heroes, and invited by it's new Queen, Zoey Half-Elven, to stay for "as long as they like, or until they become unpopular".
-"Do you think we can stay here for two weeks?"
"I doubt we'll be able to stay popular for two weeks."
-"We've lost sight of Morris. We're probably going to be unpopular in days."
-"So Bill wants to sequester himself with Palombo inside his room with him for two weeks?"
"It's not weird!"
-Coolland's court wizard, Palombo, does not belive in daemon patrons: "too high a price to pay, I always said"
"Yeah, Look at me! I used to look like an Elf. Now I'm a radioactive mutant."
-"Can't these random minotaur attacks you suffer be stopped at the source?"
"Well, they could, but they're good from time to time"
"All your friends are dead."
"Sure.. but I'm not."
"Ah, so they're good for YOU."
-As it proves impossible to avoid the risk of random minotaur attacks, Bill and the others are forced to camp out in the field of fluffy bunnies, outside Gaga (Coolland's capital city).
"Palombo, can I take your rare magical encyclopedia with me?"
"Nah, on second thought, never mind. I'll never get around to reading it anyways."
-The party members that haven't wandered off on their own (so really just Bill, and the Transparent Mutant Wizard named Bunda), set up a tent for themselves in the field, and Bill starts trying to study to obtain the Locate Object spell.
-Shebubu the Cleric shows up; he'd moved away from the group down in the caves under the temple of the Lord of Blood and Fire, and when he came back the group had left him behind. He finally managed to get out and made it back to Gaga.
"We don't know, off creeping somewhere."
"That's too bad.. I kind of like it when someone watches me while I sleep."
-"You know, Gaga is full of weirdos. I saw we never go back."
-"We'll stay here while Mr.Bill studies his spell"
"Please, just call me Bill"
"Yes, Bill, sir!"
-Then, a trio of female newbies arrive, looking to join the famous heroes: a boatswine, a hipster elf artisanal candle-maker (her candles don't work), and a halfling sniper.
-"Hello..do you guys have that sequester thing on that will kill me?"
"No, but if you did, you wouldn't be able to tell"
-"So, can we join your group?"
"You... WANT to join us?"
"They're all surprised about this because usually 0-level newbies have to be kidnapped into joining this group"
-The applicants are interviewed.
"Is your morality... flexible? Like, if you needed to destroy an entire city, would you be cool with that?"
"It depends on the city."
"...OK, you're in."
-"I'm still confused. Do they really want to join us?? Are you sure they aren't some kind of illusion??"
-"I'll use my clerical power to detect lies, to make sure they're not some kind of trap for us!"
-"My boatswine is really quiet. She doesn't like to talk."
"That's pretty smart for a Boatswine. Usually when they talk everyone hates them."
-"Shebubu, take them to the city, gear them up, and above all bring back the receipts!"
-"Oh, we don't sell weapons in Gaga's market. This city is a Safe Space and weapons are triggering!"
-Shebubu and the newbies try to see if they can get some weapons from the palace. It turns out they had forgotten that the people of Coolland really like Elves; in part because the Royal Family claims to be descended from them. Emily the elf is immediately invited to meet Queen Zoey.
-She's introduced to the Queen as "Ambassador Emily of the Transparent Dome". Queen Zoey is of course happy to give her "elven kin" anything she needs, and invites her to a 'vegan dinner' that night.
-Harembe takes the PCs aside after the audience: "Alright, who are you really??"
"Well, I'm a cleric.."
"No cleric would join Bill the elf of their own free will!"
"He forced me."
"...that checks out."
-"well, he is a cleric, he wouldn't lie about x" is rapidly becoming Shebubu's motto.
-Harembe warns Emily that whatever she does, she should not question Zoey's claims of elven descent, and she should not question the "veganness" of the meal.
-Harembe goes to check on Bill: "So these people just WANTED to join you?"
"I know, it surprised us too. If it's a trap, they're only asking for trouble by joining us anyways!"
-At the royal dinner, Emily quickly realizes the "Vegan" beef is actually just beef.
-"I have a present for you, your majesty.. It's a BFF candle."
"Omigod! This is so awesome! I never had a BFF before! Actually, I never even had an 'F' before..."
Emily gets the feeling Queen Zoey leads a lonely existence.
-The Transparent Wizard realizes his "lesser rune" spell allows him to make a permanent "sleep" rune on a stone. Obviously, he makes one.
-Suddenly, another Minotaur attack! This minotaur is dressed as a fast-food restaurant employee. The Transparent Wizard tries the sleep rune, and it works!
-Bill fails his second Sequester spell in a row; and now he's got a phobia of silk (along with his previous phobias for iron and frogs).
-Shebubu goes back to town, trying to set up a tour service for people to pay 1sp to come see Bill the Elf studying magic! He gets a lot of customers, but they get bored pretty quick, and he ends up with 14 'dislikes'. Then the Transparent Wizard scares them off.
-Another minotaur attack! The 0-levels are surprisingly effective. Espeically Yarr the halfling sniper, who takes the Minotaur down with a critical.
-"If the Minotaurs are after you, why don't you disguise yourself?"
"the minotaurs are drawn to me naturally"
"Like to a cow in heat?"
"Minotaurs aren't attracted to cows! Are you attracted to monkeys? ...Actually, don't answer that."
-Suddenly, a Minotaur appears! This one as a SWAT minotaur.
"Oh fuck you!!"
Bill gets a natural 20 on Control Fire; meaning he's wreathed in magical fire, surrounded by a wall of fire, and has eight spears made of pure fire.
The minotaur sees that too: "Oh, fuck me...."
-"Unfortunately, now your tent is on fire. And all the magic books you got off Palombo"
"God damnit!! Can I try to rescue some of them?"
"How are you going to do that, grab them? You're on fire too!"
-"Try to save the books, Shebubu!"
"No, I'll use the power of G.O.D. to save them!"
He summons up a tiny breeze that does nothing except help the fire to spread.
"The power of G.O.D. sucks!"
-"I knew it was only a matter of time hanging out with Bill before a book burning would happen"
-The Newbies and Shebubu decide to fuck off to town rather than keep hanging around with Bill, who is just too dangerous to their health.
-"Bill are you going to somehow stop the fire from consuming the whole valley of fluffy bunnies?"
-The PCs arrive at the palace.
"Harembe is called up by the guards, so he comes to the palace door. It's late at night so instead of his armor he's dressed only in his normal robe... well, a giant ape robe"
-Queen Zoey finds out about Emily being there, and decides this is a great time for a slumber party.
"Can Shebubu stay too? He's my spiritual advisor."
"Cool! Can you do my horoscope?"
"What sign are you?"
"Oh, well then everything will... go really well for you."
-"is that all he does?"
"We could play a game of spiritual truth or dare!"
"...how is that different from normal Truth or Dare?"
"It's like that, but with Word of Command"
"Truth or dare?"
"Who do you dislike the most? (Word of Command!)"
"I really don't like Shebubu."
-Harembe suddenly bursts in, kicking the door open "Who used magic???"
"The cleric made me tell him how I don't like him."
"What the fuck is wrong with you??"
"Nothing... I'm really just a shitty cleric."
-Just then, the palace receives a report: apparently the only other town of any significant size in Coolland, Minaj, is being harassed by some kind of hideous monster.
"We could probably deal with that. It's ugly so it's ok to kill it, right?"
"What? No, not just for being ugly! But it does sound like it's also intolerant."
-Bill tries to contact Sezrekhan:
"Hello, this is Sezrekhan! I can't respond to your contact at this time, but if you leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you.. if I care! *BEEP*"
-Bill takes advantage of his entering the Neutral Zone every time he casts magic missile, to try to find out more about the wizard he saw there, Alamabus.
"See, I cast magic missile and that makes me go to this place where nothing can happen to me, but I can't happen to anyone."
"We all dream of being in a world where Bill doesn't happen."
-The party heads on the road to Minaj, being guided there by their former companion Wally, the talking Airedale Terrier. Bill finally makes a really effective Sequester spell. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night some guy dies horribly immolated when he enters by accident.
"Who the hell was that?"
-They run into an old peasant woman, armed with a shovel, who gives them odd warnings about Vampires; named Fire Vampires.
-"There's two thing you must know about Fire Vampire!"
"yeah, we know what comes next already."
-"So there's a Fire Vampire coming to kill Bill?"
"Where does it come from?"
"It come from plane of blood and fire!"
"And it's made of fire?"
"In plane of blood and fire there are things of blood, and things of fire, and things mixed."
-"What's your name, old woman?"
"I am Elsa."
"Wait... Elsa from Mt. Parnassus??"
"Holy shit, I met her. It's me, Elsa. I have a new body now but I'm Bill the Elf!"
"Yes, Elsa remember now. You leave Elsa to die at hands of minotaur."
"Well.. you made it out though, right?"
"Da. But Minotaur destroy Esla's tent. Now Elsa is vampire hunter."
-So how are you going to kill the Fire Vampire, Elsa?"
"Elsa has shovel."
-The PCs reach Minaj, and Bill is further shocked to discover that the "monster" that has been plaguing the town is none other than Priscilla! The former Queen of the Grey Realms, Priscilla looks like a cross between this:
-After a minotaur encounter, Shebubu tries to heal Elsa but fails and gets Disapproval.
"G.O.D. will not help us. Only shovel will help us!"
-"Say, mr. night-watchman, would you by chance be interested in becoming a follower of G.O.D.?"
"G.O.D. didn't help that old woman.."
"Yes, but that's because she's a gypsy or something!"
-"Can I try to send Priscilla one of those bird messages?"
"Yes, but it can't be more than 140 characters. There's also messenger frogs that let you send up to 300 characters, but no one uses them."
-Priscilla wants Bill to send her back to the Grey Realms so she can retake her throne. She warns that she has something she calls "The Device", which she'll use if she doesn't get her way. It turns out "the Device" is some kind of massive bomb she found in the bunker she's been living in.
-"OK, Priscilla, so let's say we get you back to the Grey Realm; you threaten everyone that you'll blow them to kingdom come if you don't get back your throne.. how will you keep it after that?"
"With the device, dumbass!"
"But you can't exactly just stay by it all the time. You'll have to sleep eventually, won't you? How will you stop them from taking it away from you and dethroning you again?"
"Well.. i... Fuck You!! I'm sick of this! I just want to be fucking Queen again and not have to live in the fucking woods!"
-"No dudes, Priscilla's right, you're way overthinking this."
"You would say that, Bill. Your idea of a sophisticated plan is getting to the roof and throwing grenades around."
"he's never going to live that one down."
"I still say it was a good plan"
-Suddenly, there's a minotaur attack. And at that moment, the Fire Vampire strikes! Bill gets hurt very badly, and uses Magic Missile to escape to the Neutral Zone.
-Priscilla bites the Fire Vampire!
"How the hell do you bite a vampire made of fire??"
-"So is the fire vampire going to die?"
"Hell yeah, bitch! Well, unless it's immune. But if not, it's totally gonna die!"
"In like a week."
-The minotaur is slain, and the Fire Vampire disappears in a puff of smoke.
"Did we kill it?"
"Nyet. Fire Vampire target is Bill the Elf."
"So if Bill is gone, it won't attack the rest of us?"
-Bill is getting pretty freaked out by all this, so he ends up calling Sezrekhan over and over again until he finally gets him instead of his answering machine.
"I don't have time for you now! I am unraveling the very mysteries of the universe! Soon ALL will be ME!!"
-"We could just try to get out of here. The Fire Vampire can't teleport, so even if it can follow your scent or whatever, if we Planar Step far enough away, it'll buy us a lot of time."
"I'm sick of planar stepping. I always keep planar stepping into bathrooms."
-"You clerics are all pervs! Don't think that just because you got into my good books that means you're gonna get any of this hot body, bitch!"
"Are you hot for Priscilla, Shebubu?"
"Well, I do have really low standards."
-"Cleric could use power of G.O.D. to send away Fire Vampire, if Cleric not suck so bad."
"Sadly, Shebubu does suck so bad."
-"Wait, were you the one who sent that message bird to me?"
"Oh, that was really nice! Also, the bird was delicious."
-The PCs try to send a message bird to negotiate with the Fire Vampire, but it just circles around for a bit then returns.
"The Fire Vampire doesn't have a Twitter account, I guess."
-"I could just make a really good sequester.."
"You mean that spell where you have a fire trap, against the Fire vampire?"
"The Lord of Blood and Fire doesn't fuck around. He really knows just what to send against Bill."
-"OK, so let's go get Priscilla's Device and--"
"So you want us to go near a massive explosive device, with the Fire Vampire around?"
-"We should contact the palace and let them know we beat the grey monster"
Priscilla: "What grey monster?"
-"Hey Wally, have you by chance ever been baptized into the faith of G.O.D.?"
"No! I do not like baths."
-"Look, I still think we should just planar step far away."
"That doesn't solve anything though; it might take him a long time to find us, but sooner or later the Fire Vampire would catch up!"
"Yeah, but that's a problem for Future Us!"
"That's how you got into this mess in the first place! You make a shitload of enemies, go away, forget about them, and then they all show up at once like in this stupid adventure!"
-"Where could we even run to? Aside from Coolland, everyone hates us everywhere we've ever been."
-The Transparent Wizard remembers he comes from a community of outcast Transparent Mutants who idolize Bill: "We could go to my village!"
-"We could go to Tholia and give the bomb to the rebels!"
"Yeah, that totally wouldn't end well."
-"We could go south!"
"This party always ends up 'going south', sooner or later."
-"I've been thinking... Ok."
"You just said "OK" like you solved something. You haven't."
-"So how could you get rid of the minotaur problem?"
"Well, we could get rid of all the minotaurs. Or all their underwear."
-"So what's the damn plan??"
"Nothing. We stick around and kill the vampire. Or more likely, wait around until the vampire kills Bill."
And at at that point, the session having hit its time limit, and the party being totally out of ideas of what the fuck to do, we decided to end for the day, and at least give the players a couple of weeks to come up with a plan.
I have every confidence, knowing them, that they won't actually come up with anything, and will just solve things the way they usually do: utterly disastrous half-assed improvization.
Stay tuned for more exciting DCC adventures!
Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia