We left off with the deplorable PCs only about two days away from the place known as the Sphincter, the center of the Shithole. They were camped out in an area of badlands, worse than any they'd seen so far, where literally nothing grew.
-At night, Muu the Mud Mutant murders the Sadistic Hunter in his sleep, for his armor. That's where we're at now.
-Morris suddenly returns to the group, walking in from the badlands.
"What a lovely day!"
"It's night-time, Morris."
-"Hey, do I get xp for killing the Sadist?"
"Well, you killed a fellow PC, in his sleep. So... sure, 1xp"
-"The mission is to go to the Conclave of Wizards to 'talk'.. but you guys can do all the killing you want"
-"Morris, you've survived 2 Total Party Bills!"
-"Why is there blood in the sand??"
"Hey, who wants to go back to sleep?"
-"OK, guys, no more killing tonight!"
-The next day, the gang proceed through the badlands, and along the way they spot a strange black viscuous pool.
"Morris, go throw a rock in it!"
-Morris is a bit reluctant to approach it.
"Come guys, let's all go with him for backup. Where's your fighting spirit?"
"I'm a Pacifist. Not having fighting spirit is why I'm the last survivor of my tribe."
-"There's a 60% chance its just a pool of sludge, 30% it's some kind of slime monster, 10% it's some truly weird shit."
-It turns out it was a slime monster after all. It starts chasing the gang who run when they realize that regular weapons do nothing. Bill casts magic missile (and disappears into the Neutral Zone as he always does after casting magic missile) but it wasn't enough to destroy the slime. The slime catches up to the halfling chicken-rider, the slowest in the group, and the halfling dies.
-Bill comes back and finishes nuking the slime.
The newbie PCs level up, with the remaining 1st level PCs now being Heidi the Pacifist, and Muu the Mud-man Psyhic, who is now a Mud-man Psychic Wizard.
-The PCs, who are dying of thirst, find a small muddy creek. They spend a long time very worried that it might be another slime creature somehow. Morris finally heads down there, finding it to be safe.
-"I, Muu, am now your apprentice, Bill!"
"You know his apprentices haven't historically fared well, don't you?"
-"You should drink a bit more, Morris.."
"It's water. I already drank some. It's not poisonous."
"You should drink more water just in case, it might take a bit more to kill you is all..."
-Figuring the water and the creek are safe, the PCs head down to drink. The pacifist is almost immediately attacked by a Sand Monstrosity! Fortunately, Bill scares the monstrosity away before it can do any harm.
-The next day, the PCs finally get to the edge of a massive smelly canyon. They have found the Sphincter! All around it there's a large chain-link fence with barbed wire, and very old signs warning people away in almost every language imaginable. Some of these shrines have had primitive markings drawn on them in blood, and offerings of bones placed at its base. The PCs are considering what to do, when they spot a tunnel dug some distance away; it has a more primitive basic sign that says "Coyote a Tijuana".
-They walk single-file into the tunnel. Bill goes first, because the others guilted him into it. For added security, he casts a huge cloudkill in front of and behind the party, murdering everything in his path for quite a great distance.
"You hear various screams"
-"Up ahead, you guys smell a flowery scent"
"Oh shit, not flowers!!"
-Before entering the large cavern with a flowery scent, Mu uses his psychic power to make himself invisible; but it only works on people his own level or lower.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"wooo!! I'm invisible!!"
-The cavern is full strange large plants with pale white flowers. Also, a dozen or so guys which at first the party assumes (from their shambling and disheveled condition) to be zombies.
"No, I'm pretty sure they're alive. I think they're just drugged or something."
"They drug zombies!"
-After murdering all the drug zombies, they move on past the white lotus flowers (which Morris thinks is what made them 'zombified' in the first place), they move on to a cavern which features a huge pool of green slime.
"Let's throw a rock in it!"
"That did not go well the last time."
-They move on to another cavern, where they encounter a Giant Slug! Bill hits it with magic missile, but it's not enough to kill it, and of course he vanishes to the Neutral Zone, leaving the rest badly outgunned.
Muu runs away from it into the next cavern which is filled with huge mushrooms. And while the others are fighting the Slug, Muu explores, only to run into a guard-robot.
-While Heidi chases the now-fleeing Slug, Morris sneaks into the mushroom-forest and backstabs the robot-guard with his rifle. The guard gets knocked over, and since it was on tracks, it can't right itself.
"MY MOTION IS IMPAIRED! I CANNOT MOVE!"
-"Does anyone have a Container of Mushroom Holding?"
-"Is there anything in the remains of the robot that could be used to carry mushrooms?"
"Not after the Magic Missile and Muu stabbing the remains for several minutes, no."
-Heidi climbs to the top of a large mushroom and kills the Slug.
-"Remind me to get some bags the next time I'm in civilization."
"Highbay's tech level is mostly medieval, but their ziploc technology is ultra-advanced."
-The PCs carry on into a cave where they finally encounter a couple of drug-runners. Unfortunately, they start shooting.
"No, no we're not the DEA!"
"we're not the Thetas!"
"We have Bill with us!"
"Wait, yu have Bill the Elf??"
"Huh. Normally when we mention Bill they start shooting MORE.."
-It turns out one of the two drug-runners is a Sloth. Apparently, Bill is known around here, but he has some 'splainin to do.
"Did yu run into El Jefe?"
"Could be. Did he look all acid-burned and melted, like as if someone had cast a really powerful Choking Cloud on him?"
-"ok, yu must be Bill the Elf, only Bill the Elf would be so crazy to go into the Sphincter!"
-Since Bill is well known in Tijuana, so the narcos decide to take him to see 'El Capo', who will decide Bill's fate. They lead the PCs through the tunnels and into the city. Tijuana, the Shittiest Place on Earth.
-Bill is much admired, and immediately invited to several drinks of tequila. He introduces his fans to his 'crew'. There's even narco-style songs sung about him.
-"why is this place the 'shittiest'?"
"Because it is the Shithole"
"Not because it's covered in shit?"
"Well, yes, there is a lot of shit, as yu probably smelled."
-A limo arrives, with a well-dressed yellow mutant. He is not El Capo, just the chief assistant to El Capo. He takes the whole crew through the city, which is built on a plateau in the mid-point of the canyon leading down into the Sphincter. Along the way he explains: the Dark Ones came through into the surface of the world at the Sphincter. There was a terrible war between their spawn and the High Elves and their Pythian Knights. Finally, the High Elves were able to seal the Sphincter, with some kind of 'plug'. But the whole area now known as the Shithole was riddled with mutations and spawn of the Dark Ones, so they Elves sealed the whole area off. They used powerful magic to make teleportation in or out impossible, and then raised up a huge wall of near-impenetrable mountains that surrounded the entire zone.
"That still doesn't explain why there's shit everywhere in Tijuana."
"Oh, that is just because of really bad sanitation."
-They go to a high point in the plateau, to a remarkably large gaudy gated mansion with a style that could only be described as "Trump-esque". The area is crawling with armed bodyguards, and presumably-attractive female sloths in tight dresses and bikinis.
-Bill is concerned when he hears that spawn of the Dark Ones are often drawn to the Sphincter, possibly including Shoggoths. So he asks El Capo to supply him with some large bags of weed.
-Muu had been injured from a bullet wound in the firefight with El Capo's men in the tunnels. He gets sent to the clinic to be treated by El Capo's obese unlicensed doctor, who they assure Muu is excellent.
-The rest of the PCs were to be given the run of the place.
"All I ask is that yu do not try to have your way with my pretty daughters!"
Bill agrees and immediately knocks Morris out with the Sleep-stone.
"Please lock him in a room and don't let him out."
-The pacifist goes to stock up on armor and weapons courtesy of the Sloths. He lies to Bill about the fact there's grenades in the Sloth mafia's armory.
-That night, there is a huge party in Bill's honor, where the PCs meet the King of Tijuana."
-"Wait... is the King of Tijuana Keith Richards?"
"Sure looks like it."
-"I guess if one person alive today would survive the heat death of the universe, it would be Keith Richards."
-"I couldn't tell from the accent if he was drunk, or British. Then I realized he was drunk AND British, and I realized who it was."
-King Keith I is VERY interested in Bill's Primo Staff. He makes Bill promise to bring it with him back to Tijuana someday if he should recover it.
-Bill and King Keith I become fast friends.
-After that, it's time talk business. El Capo gives bill two large garbage bags full of weed, which Bill hopes will have an effect on any shoggoths, as he'd noted in prior experiences. He also gives him a small pouch of a Blue Orchid Poison and a vial of Black Orchid Poison.
-"now yu should rest and gather your strength while you can my friend, unless yu want sleep with whores first.."
"No, the guy in the party that used to sleep with horse is dead."
-Muu wakes up the next morning in the clinic, fully healed of his injury. The unkempt obese 'doctor' seems to know his stuff after all.
"does Muu still have both of his kidneys?"
-Morris also wakes up, in the bedroom he'd been locked into this whole time, and asks to be released. The guard sends word to Bill who comes to see him.
"Why did you do this to me? You could have just asked me to behave."
"No, I know all about your urges."
"...now I only want it more."
-Bill decides to keep Morris in the room.
"I'll be back in 10 minutes, alright? NO funny business!"
"Sure... I don't even like women!"
-"is he gone?"
"Yes, Bill left."
"Ok, I check out the window to see if I can climb to some other room where there's people to creep at."
-"Dude, El Capo's daughters are all sloths!"
"It's not about the zoophilia, it's about Bill not letting him."
-El Capo's consigliere (the handsome well-dressed yellow mutant from the limousine earlier) comes into Morris' room just before he can climb a window.
"So...I hear from my guard yu do not like the women..."
-Morris has to explain to the consigliere that he just meant he doesn't like SLOTH women, and lets him down gently.
"I trust yu will not repeat what has been said in this room to anyone..."
"Huh? OH! No, don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you're gay."
"I am NOT a puto!! I simply like to have sex with other men!"
-The consigliere leaves Morris and immediately heads to where Bill, Muu and Heidi are lounging having breakfast on the patio.
"So this Morris, he is strange, yes? I would not believe anything he say!"
-For his part, Morris had swore to the consigliere that he wouldn't say a word. Bill comes to check on him.
"Hey Bill, guess what? The consigliere is gay!!"
"Eat your breakfast and don't cause trouble."
"No! You can't tell me what to do. I don't want any breakfast."
"Fine, then don't eat it."
"No, now I want it!"
-"Dealing with Morris is like dealing with a fucking child!"
"More like a defiant teen."
-The party is almost ready to go. They finally release Morris, and after he gets some new weapons from El Capo's armory, they're ready to go.
"So, you didn't get to ruin everything by sleeping with one of El Capo's daughters, huh?"
"It's OK, I don't care. El Capo's daughters are sloths, and I'm not into sloths."
-At this point, El Capo comes down to see them off, accompanied by 2 modestly dressed sloth girls and one modestly-dressed extremely hot yellow-mutant girl.
"These are my lovely daughters: Luisa, Andrea, and of course my adopted daughter Maria... Morris, her bedroom was right above where yu were sleeping."
"SON OF A BITCH!"
-Heavily stocked up on guns, rifles, grenades, armor, poison, and a ridiculous amount of drugs, the party begins to head down the canyon-side toward the Sphincter, and hopefully the conclusion of their quest in the Shithole.
Stay tuned next time for more DCC action!
Currently Smoking: Missouri Meerschaum + Stockebbye's Bull's Eye Flake