Wednesday, 19 April 2017
DCC Campaign Update: "Mein name is... Beinrich"
When we left off, Bill the (snake-headed) Elf was on a barren asteroid with Yarr, having just failed to learn his spell. The rest of the gang were in the city of Lol, having defeated the Guardian Robots but now facing a potential sky-Nazi invasion.
-"You know, if Bill can't manage to succeed at a Planar Step he might just spend the whole adventure starving to death on an asteroid."
"No I won't, I have rations!"
-Tonut The Blacksmith levels up and becomes Tonut the Cleric.
"I got Holy Sanctuary! Oh wait, it's called Ack'Basha's Holy Sanctuary"
"Actually, it's just called Ack'basha's Sanctuary; there's nothing holy about Ack'basha."
-"I also got Detect Evil."
"How's that going to work?"
"In this campaign, it's like an episode of Oprah: 'look under your chairs, and yes.. EVERYONE is evil!!"
"No. It's 'Detect Evil', not 'Detect Horrible Assholes'. If it was that, then yes, you'd go blind any time you cast it."
-Frustrated about his failing to learn the spell, Bill finally picks up the Time Dinosaur orb; it turns out to be a hologram orb, which shows a Time Dinosaur explaining a very detailed mission breakdown for Bill. Unfortunately, it's all in dinosaur, so Bill doesn't get any of it.
-"Bill, I get the feeling you don't give a shit anymore."
"Hey man, I have a motherfucking snake head now!"
-Failing to cast a powerful enough Planar Step to get himself and Yarr off the floating island, he decides to risk spellburn. Unfortunately, he fails his saving throw and turns into a Sezrekhan zombie!
"All is Sezrekhan!"
-"So I have to play another PC?"
"Yup. Who knows when Bill will regain his free will, after all."
"Can't I talk to Sezrekhan?"
"No. You are a part of Sezrekhan now."
"The question is, what part?"
-"So we're free of Bill? Awesome."
"Well, sort of awesome, he was the highest level of us, by far."
"ohh fuck.. you know what this means, right? Now Morris is your leader!!"
-Lucky for Bill's player, one of his former characters, the psychopath Weaver Wizard, was last seen with the Sky-Nazis. So he takes that character back up for now. He's sent by the Sky-Obergrupenfurher to infiltrate the city of Lol, accompanied by a sky-gestapo agent named Schmidt. They are supposed to find out if the wizard council has been sufficiently weakened for the Sky-Nazis to invade. For infiltration purposes, they are given incredibly silly outfits; in the Weaver's case the most stereotypical wizard outfit imaginable.
"So like, gandalf or something?"
"No, more like Mickey Mouse from Fantasia."
-Also, as backup the two get secondary "tourist" costumes: shorts, sunglasses, and stupid T-shirts. And retractable-lugers.
"Sky-nazis are really bad at infiltration."
-A local streetgang by the name of the 'Lol City Gaylords' are trying to steal Tonut the Cleric's new retractable-hoverbike.
-Tonut makes short work of them. Looting them, he gets himself a retractable-club and a retractable-comb.
-Mu is studying his spell in the library, and finds himself attacked by a horrific giant insect with phasing powers, that came out of a dimensional crack in the corner!
-"Hi, my name is Argos, I'm a wizard, and I'm not a sky-nazi!"
"Ya, und I am his bulter, und I am also not a sky-nazi. Mein name is... Beinrich."
"That's an.. unusual accent."
"Oh yeah.. um.. he's Dutch!"
"Ya, I am Dutch... isn't that..strange?"
-The Weaver Wizard and Schmidt, still in disguise after being let into lol, run into Tonut the Cleric.
"Heil, how are you?"
-"You appear to be of good racial stock, mein friend!"
"ok... I'm going to go now..."
"oh ya.. well, seig you later!"
-The Sky-Nazi agents are suspected, so they're taken to be interviewed by Heidi.
"So, where do you come from?"
"The... Northern Continent"
"Ya. We are from the city of... Northerncontinentia!"
"Oh really? Well.. I'm also from the Northern Continent and I never heard of that place!"
"Oh ya? Then where are you from?"
"I um.. from the city of Northeasterncontinentia"
-"So you're both humans?"
"Ya, this is right. Here are my papers!"
"And you're not human?"
"Well, I have green skin and six toes, so no."
"you look good, though."
"Oh.. ya I also agree with my friend, you look good so I feel almost no disgust even being in the same room as you. Very little bile is rising in my throat at this time."
-Heidi, having confirmed they're both humans, uses the Ring of Human Control.
"Who are you really?"
"Ve are sky-nazi agents!"
-"So what would you do if you were in my position?"
"If I was in your position, I would kill myself as a racial degenerate!"
-"So I guess we're prisoners now?"
"Can I just ask... what gave us away?"
-"We'll have to give Morris more time to recover from his deprobing... there were... complications."
-Tonut the cleric tries everything he can to get himself a date with Myla. He finally gets her to agree to a "date" that's actually a strategic meeting between her and Roman.
"So it's a date!"
"It's a meeting."
"Yeah, it's a date!"
-Roman interrogates the Weaver Wizard.
"This might be a bit of a personal question but... do you have a portal inside you?"
"Yes, the Dark Ones put it there. It leads to the Gnomish underworld."
"Well, that's new."
-"If the Dark Ones put a portal inside you, I'm not sure how, but maybe we might be able to alter the portal destination to go elsewhere."
"That will probably involve a lot of probing..."
-"You know Roman, at some point you'll have to come clean about who you really are..."
"Maybe. But probably not to a sky-nazi."
-"So let me get this straight, Tonut. You want me, the Chancellor of the High Council, to go with you to meet Myla, the premier of the Revolutionary government, so you can seduce her?"
"That's my boy!"
-"I have another question for you Tonut: what's a 'gaylord' and why is it printed on the back of your leather jacket?"
"Oh yeah. I should probably have that patch removed."
-Heidi and Tonut are interrogating Schmidt. He wants Schmidt to tell the Obergrupenfuhrer and his sky-nazi fleet that Lol is too well defended to invade.
"He's going to betray us."
"Nein.. I am not going to..."
"You're using the 'I'm going to betray you' voice right now!"
-Heidi caresses the sky-nazi's cheek with his mutant hand.
"you know, there are fates worse than death..."
"Heidi is a pacifist, but he believe in love..."
"Look, Schmidt... I can't control Heidi's unnatural mutant lust. You'd better get on board."
-Mu gets a meeting with Grizlor.
"Can I get Bill's staff? I was his apprentice after all."
"Well, if anyone on the council had it, it would have been John Delapole. He was a great collector of staffs. He was kind of obsessed with it.. perhaps because he was a staff himself."
-Grizlor and his grandson Grezlor determine that the insect-creature that attacked Mu was something called a Dimension Bug.
"There's very little that is known about them. They exist in a different dimensional vibration, and they are mortal enemies of the Time Dinosaurs."
"That explains everything, actually... though not in character."
-"Now go finish studying your spell, Mu, and work hard. If you do, one day, hundreds of years from now, you might get to be where I am today!"
"Oh great. Ok, I'm going.."
"Wait! Here, have a shiny silver piece you young scamp. Spend it on moon-pies and pennywhistles!"
-Faced with inter-species homo-eroticism, Schmidt gives in and agrees to work with the PCs.
"I think you should know one more thing. Mein name is not Beinrich.. it is Heinrich."
-Roman and Tonut have a meeting at the Dancing Harpy tavern with Myla.
"You should relax a little, Myla!"
"Well, it is true that one of the goals of the revolution is to maximize the happiness of the people..."
"I happen to have some ideas about maximizing your happiness..."
-After all that effort, Tonut only gets a tavern dance and a kiss on the cheek for his trouble.
-Roman frees the Weaver Wizard in exchange for a promise of service. Argos almost immediately attacks Roman, getting a natural-20 on Chill Touch, murdering a bunch of people with the effect, but Roman is much much tougher than he looks, and drops the wizard with a knock-out effect from his sonic tool.
-"We all learned a valuable lesson today: never trust a Sky-nazi!"
-"Schmidt was just born a sky-nazi; I was made one!"
-Once the Weaver Wizard Argos is restrained, Roman gets him alone and turns all sinister and ominous. Just before he kills the wizard, Roman whispers into his secret into the wizard's ear.
"So Bill's player knows now, but he's not telling."
"Just imagine it was something like 'hail hydra'".
-Heidi gets visited in the night by one of Jal'udin's assassin-lackeys. He decides to meet with Jal'udin, again in the Dancing Harpy, and takes Tonut the cleric with him. The locals all greet Tonut warmly, remembering him from his drunken revelry the other night.
"I regret nothing, except the techno-walrus belly-rubbing contest."
-Jal'udin shows up, and thinks the PCs' plan to go to Hell is insane. He wants to try to find some other Ancient complex and hopefully another cryogenically-frozen ancient inside. He also note that the Sezrekhan-zombie phenomenon is not spreading at a universally equal rate; instead, it seems concentrated in areas where bonded agents of Sezrekhan are present.
"I back away a bit from Jal'udin.."
-"Give me two weeks to find an ancient complex."
"You have four days."
"If you must, go on with your plan but I will not go with you to Hell."
"You just told us you have Sezrekhan-AIDS. We don't really want you to come with us!"
-"If you insist on your plan and I have not yet found a promising ancients' complex, I will give you a couple of my men to accompany you."
"Will they be your best men?"
"No. I won't risk my best men on this insane plan. They will be merely competent."
"If they're merely competent, they'll still be way better than us!"
-Mu is attacked by another Dimension Bug! He spellburns to defeat it, but the spellburn leaves him unable to say anything other than his name.
A little later, through the same dimensional crack in the corner of his study area, something else is coming through.
-It turns out to be a person this time!
"Where am I? Who are you?"
-Grezlor the Librarian shows up.
"Who is this?"
"This wizard seems to have spellburned, he can't say anything other than his name. Can you tell me where we are?"
"You are an intruder in the great library of Lol! And who are you?"
"Me? My name is... Ack'basha."
And on that shocking development, we leave you for today! Stay tuned next session for more DCC excitement!
Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Image Virginia