In our last session, the PCs had managed to break up a massive counterfeiting/child-trafficking/cannibalism ring in Highbay. As such, Chief City Officer Swanlee agreed to provide the party an escort to get to the Azure Tower, where they hoped the Azure wizards would help them to get back to the high-orbit floating city of Lol.
Now:
-A new masochist/player has joined! His 0-level dudes: a green mutant pageboy, a human weed farmer (with a chicken), and a weird domino mutant who's half black and half-white like those aliens from the original star trek... except he has huge claws for hands.
-"Does G.O.D. accept drugs for sacrifices?"
"Well, he doesn't accept rations, so... no."
-Tonut is trying to sell a valuable bracelet he has on him, to get some smaller denominations of cash to use as sacrifice to lower his disapproval.
"I'll give you 1200 smithplium pieces for it."
"I won't take less than 1750."
"ok, how about 1000 smithplium that aren't counterfeit?"
-"I'm giving you an escort formed from the best conscript guards that could be randomly selected by lottery."
-Aside from the three newbies, who are conscript guards, plus the chicken, the escort also includes a joking sergeant, and a sullen captain.
"Hey you guys, ask the Captain his last name!"
"Shut up, sergeant!"
"Seriously, you guys, ask him!"
"Ok, now we have to know."
"..omvmmh.."
"What's that? We couldn't hear you?"
"It's Richard."
"Ask him his last name!"
"It's Obvious, alright?! I'm Captain Richard Obvious!"
"Haha, he's Captain Obvious!"
-"So what's your name, Sergeant?"
"Sargent"
"Yeah, but your given name?"
"No, that's it. I'm Sergeant Sargent"
"oh"
"That's it? That's all he gets?!"
-Meanwhile, up in the city of Lol, Morris has finally regained consciousness!
"We have good news and bad news for you."
"What?"
"Well, the good news is that we managed to remove the explosive probe the Guardian Robots implanted you with."
"And the bad news?"
"Well, we could only save 53% of your ass."
"so..."
"Well, it's not so bad! We've managed to replace the 47% you'd lost with a Cyborg Ass."
-"What happened to the Viking Wizard?"
"Who?"
"My best friend, the Viking Wizard!"
"Do you mean Vladik? He's on the council now."
"My best friend is on the council??"
"Funny, he's never mentioned you."
-"Wow.. my best friend is on the High Council of Wizards!"
"He's not your best friend you imbecile, he charmed you!"
-Roman puts Morris on a shuttlecraft, with orders to investigate a barren asteroid called Gebo, which was the last known location of the Hippomagus, and later to go down to the surface to see if he can find the rest of the PCs, who never returned from their last mission.
"So how do I fly this thing?"
"According to this, sir, your ass is a fully licensed shuttle pilot."
-As expected, when he gets into the pilot seat, his ass starts to talk, giving him instructions on how to fly.
"He's literally flying off his ass!"
-"So um.. ass.. can you.."
"*Wait! ASS Calibrating!*"
-"*Attention! ASS Sensors detecting two lifeforms on the asteroid!*"
-The two lifeforms are of course Yarr the Halfling and Bill the Elf. Bill is still a Sezrekhan Zombie, and for the past week he's been slowly chasing Yarr around the asteroid while she evades him and has managed to survive by eating her large supply of packaged peanuts.
"The thing about this campaign is that eventually, you will look back at the time you were trapped on this abandoned asteroid with fondness."
-"So is Morris' ass our new BOLT-0?"
-Yarr sees Morris' shuttle land and rushes toward it.
"Come with me if you want to live!"
-On the advice of Morris' ass, Yarr and Morris rush out of there, rather than face the zombie-Bill. They fly down toward the surface, as Morris' ass follows a tracking device that Roman had secretly planted on one of the other PCs. As they're heading down, the shuttle is suddenly hit by a lightning bolt, presumably from a nearby group of Halconlords.
-The PCs along with Captain Obvious and his guards see the shuttle going down. Tonut flies up to the shuttle and rescue Yarr and Morris before it crashes.
"Whoever shot down that vessel will be coming soon."
"Well, obviously, captain!"
-"I had been sent by these dinosaur guys to Gebo, where Bill was there. He killed the cat-wizard."
"Wait... do you mean Bill the Elf?"
"Um..yes."
"No!"
"Yes."
"Ok, maybe."
-"*ASS Calibrating!*"
"Morris..did your pants just talk to us?"
"Oh yeah, look at this guys!"
"Why is he exposing himself to us?"
"He does that sometimes."
-To avoid fighting the Halconlords, the party turns south, near the edge of the Badlands. As they're marching, a few of them (making a perception check) notice they're about to be ambushed by a group of small humanoids.
"They could be kobolds, or goblins, or halflings.."
"That's racist!"
"Actually, your people are famous for ambushing people, Yarr."
"Shh!"
-The ambushers turned out to be goblins; after beating them off, they decide to keep marching into the night, worried that the Halconlords might still be on their tail. Finally, very late into the night, they stop to rest.
"Someone should keep watch."
"Not me, my disapproval is huge and I need my G.O.D.-forgiveness rest."
"I need to heal."
"I've been chased by zombie-Bill for a week!"
-"Can I sleep with my jetpack on?"
"No. Well, yes.. but you'd probably fly into a mountain or something."
-"*ASS Calibrating!*"
"Damn it, it's the middle of the night!"
"Ass, can you just keep guard for us? You know, ass-guard?"
-"What are you calibrating, anyways??"
"*That information is classified!*"
-"At the next rest-stop, Morris takes a crap. Is it normal?"
"More or less. There's a 'ping' noise at the end, and your turd is a perfect cube."
-"Ass, can you calibrate on mute?"
"*I could, but why would I?*"
-"While you're all discussing Morris' ass, do a perception check."
-It turns out the PCs perceive that they're about to get attacked by a bunch of giant bees!
-"Captain Obvious is being pretty heroic."
"Those bees will likely sting us!"
"..still obvious, though."
"They will sting like that curry I ate yesterday!"
-"You bunch of children! An ass starts to talk and all of a sudden you're all immature."
"It was your idea!"
"Oh sure, blame the GM for all this!"
-"After beating those bees, the newbies are just 7xp away from one of them being actually relevant!"
-"I wonder if 'Ass' is his name, or some kind of an acronym?"
-"Ass... status report?"
"*ASS is fully operational, other than being attached to an imbecile*"
-That night, while Mu and Yarr are keeping watch, an Owlbear jumps down from a tree right on Mu!
"You all wake up from the screams; mainly Mu's, but also the Owlbear."
-They manage to kill off the owlbear, but Mu probably won't ever look at trees the same way.
-Kumar decides to make the owlbear remains into a delicious curry.
-"There are still Halconlord patrols in this area of the forest, be careful."
"I have an idea! What if we burn down the forest to get rid of the patrols?"
"We're IN the forest, dude."
-Next night, an Ogre sneaks to the camp, takes down the weed farmer and starts putting him into a sack. The other PCs notice.
"Me only want this one!"
"That's almost reasonable."
-They decide to fight the ogre anyways, and Publio the pageboy manages to stab the ogre to death, right through the ass.
"*warning! Alert mode activated! Ass-stabbing occurring in proximity!*"
"man, this has become a very ass-focused adventure."
-A night later, the PCs are attacked at night again, stealthily, by huge blood-sucking bugs. They manage to get onto Captain Obvious and Sergeant Sargent, already starting to drain their blood before the PCs finally notice.
Morris accidentally kills Sergeant Sargent, while trying to shoot the bug off him.
"Damn it, Morris! I really liked the Sergeant!"
"*The Sergeant was 70% more likable than Morris!*"
"Et tu, Ass?"
-Everyone is sad about the Sergeant's death, except for Captain Obvious.
"well, I hated him."
"Yes, that was obvious."
-"Our humor here is always so offensive."
"Captain Obvious points out that non-offensive humor is usually boring."
-Finally, the PCs make it to the Azure Tower! The Azure Wizards are not very interested in anything the PCs have to say.. until Yarr mentions offhand that she knows where the Sunstaff is.
-"My ass is awesome!"
-"So captain, will you join our party now?"
"I've come to see that it's obvious that whatever you're planning to do is very dangerous, so I will not be joining you."
"We never plan to do anything!"
-A slip of the tongue almost gets the group in trouble with the Azure Wizards.
"Are you misgendering the halfling?"
"Oh... no, it's ok, I'm gender-fluid."
"Oh, alright then."
-In spite of having previously mocked the Azure Order for having been a group of gender-indeterminate wizards, Mu now claims he's gender-indeterminate in order to get access to their library to finish studying magic missile. In his defense, one of his spells does make him flip gender when cast.
-"After you have finished your studies, Mu, you should strongly consider joining the order. There are many benefits to being an Azure Wizard!"
"Wait... Mu's a wizard??"
To finish off the session, the Azure Order has agreed to help the PCs, but they have yet another side-quest for them: it turns out there's a large zombie-plague attacking Coolland, and they just got a distress message from Queen Zoey. So if the PCs want a lift back to Lol and help with the Sunstaff-retrieval issue, they'll need to head to Coolland first.
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