DCC Campaign: I Pretend I Have Erectile Dysfunction

In our last game, the PCs had managed to stop the Duke of Abstinence from spreading Fake-News to overthrow Queen Zoey. In the process they discovered that the Duke had apparently kidnapped two of the most famous social media stars of Coolland and replaced them with Old Country Bots. Queen Zoey had tasked the PCs to find the missing stars.

Now:

-"See, this kind of stuff? It's why we can never livestream this campaign."

-"People who play my historical campaigns sometimes say at the end that it was like taking a college course."
"And this campaign?"
"Oh god no. I promise you'll learn NOTHING in this campaign."
"Except maybe the meaning of pain."

-"Heidi is so covered in weapons he's like a walking arsenal."
"So many weapons, so few nipples!"

-"Lenny, you don't get high, do you?"
"Oh, no, I don't do drugs. They're unhealthy."
"You know, you're really judgmental for a cannibal."

-"So how are we going to find the Poodlepoo-bot?"
"Maybe we could send one of those tweetie bird messages at him? And follow it?"
"I don't know, I think maybe he blocked me."

-"We couldn't follow the bird, we don't have flight."
"I could Mend your jetpack, Heidi."
"Cool!"
"Can you fix his nipples too?"
"No, that's beyond the power of mortal magic."

-Catboy and Bill get social media accounts.
"Can my account be verified?"
"No, those are given semi-randomly to people the Queen likes."

-"My account is @TheRealBillTheElf."
"I send a dislike to Catboy."

-"Minutes after Heidi sends the dislike, Catboy gets swamped by thousands of tweeter birds sharing dislikes."
"Oh my god, the birds!"
"It's like that old horror movie! What was it called??"
"The birds."
"Oh, yeah."

-"Bill sends: 'we used to do genocide, now we do whatever this is...'"

-"Catboy quits Tweeter forever!!"

-Five minutes later, Catboy changes his mind and puts his account back on, and gets utterly swamped by birds.
"You're starting to suffocate, catboy."
"I didn't ask for this! Halp!"
"Dude.. you're a cat."
"Oh yeah. I just start to eat them!"

-"Aren't you going to get an account, Zeke?"
"No my friends. Social media is the devil's playground. It leads to even greater sins like fornication and philosophy."

-Some guards show up.
"Catboy?"
"Yes?"
"You're under arrest for violating the Terms of Service."
"But I never read the user agreement!"

-"How large is Catboy's fine?"
"It depends on how popular he is."
"Oh, shit."

-"This is not fair. I've been defending this town and killing the fire vampire!"
"Yeah, but no one saw you do it, Catboy."

-"We have to send Catboy to Tweeter Jail."
"Yes, and then he will be tried by the Trust and Safety Council."

-Lenny namedrops #BlingBae
"Wait, you're with #BlingBae?"
"Yeah, we're all in his crew."
"Oh, OK, that's different then!"

-Lenny's prayer to find PoodlePoo doesn't work.
"I think I must work my miracles better under pressure..."
"Heidi, fly Lenny up and drop him!"
"No, that would be bullying, and bullying is wrong. #StopBullying #CatboyIsACreep"

-"I'll try to make contact with Jaludin to get my backpack."
"How will that help?"
"I might have a Locate Object scroll there."
"Oh, wait, I have one of those!"
"Damn it, Catboy."

-"Elsa, is this sniper rifle from the Old Country?"
"Nyet. It is far too fancy. In Old Country, rifle have only 1 for 2 soldiers. And only half of bullet. And you have to charge at sky-nazis or political commissar would shoot you."
"Wow."
"Only Political Commissar had full bullet."

-"Is Old Country near here?"
"Nyet. It is far to east."

-"Do you know if the Old Country would have any reason for helping the Duke of Abstinence?"
"Nyet. Elso is just simple peasant-woman and vampire-killer."
"And shovel-expert."
"Shovel expertise is part of vampire killing."

-"Everyone tweets #CatboyIsACreep."
"I want out of Coolland."

-"We're waiting for the Posh Elf to stop masturbating so we can go rescue to social media stars."
"Is the masturbation really necessary?"
"Yes, let him be."
"Thank you Palombo!!"

-"This isn't creepy you majesty, but what if you got an heir?"
"That sounds really creepy, Catboy."

-"Wait a minute, your majesty, Creepy Catboy might have a Creepy point!"

-"What about the Posh Elf?"
"Yeah, we could say he's your new consort, and then we'd put him out in the open where he can be attacked!"

-"Could I be a spy for you, Majesty?"
"I don't know... you're pretty famous. And creepy."
"True, your majesty, but he's so creepy that no one would think a creep like him would work for you."
"Damn you, Prime Minister Fabio."

-One of the Queen's dog-scouts has obtained some information!
"The PoodlePoo-bot is in the direction of the Free City of Mra."
"Is that a British accent?"
"It is."
"But you're a french bulldog!"

-"Mra is currently ruled by two adventurers named Psychic Wizard Erboz and Invincible Warrior Blart."
"Blart?"
"Yes."
"That's a more ridiculous name than Bort!"

-"Can we wait one more day?"
"Sure."
"Thanks, Bill. I'll make it up to you."
"Why?"
"I just figured you'd force me to go with you when there was only one day left in my ritual."

-"Are all Coollander Scouts dogs?"
"Yes."
"I heard they're all very good boys."

-"Can I watch you find your familiar, Posh Elf? This should be good."
"I send a Tweet saying 'Ted the Elf has some weird kinks'."
"Bill responds '#NotAllElves'."

-"So you guys are actually going to let him complete his ritual to get a familiar?"
"Yeah."
"Wow, you guys have changed!"

-"How far away is Mra?"
"Six days from Gaga to Fort Cher on our border, then across the river and another four days to the south."

-"So what's the most dangerous predator of Coolland? Is it giant weasels?"
"I think it's Catboy."

-The party meets up with Wally the dog-scout again, who'd helped them before.
"So if we go on horseback how long will it take?"
"Only 3 days to Fort Cher, but once we get past the border, it may be just as long as on foot because of the state of the roads. The Free City of Mra is Libertarian."

-On the first day of travel, the party knocks on the door of a peasant farm looking for a place to stay.
"Who is it?"
"Government dog."

-"Do you guys keep a watch that night?"
"I turn into a bag of rocks and just sleep."

-Everyone except the catboy keeps watch. The Posh Elf is assigned with Lenny.
"You're not going to eat me if I keep watch with you, are you Lenny?"
"Lenny looks over at Bill."
"Bill shakes his head."
"No."

-"Bill is Lenny's conscience!"
"And Zeke is Bill's conscience!"
"Then this whole fragile ecosystem of morality could fall apart at any moment."

-"Am I comfortable as a bag of rocks?"
"No, you're uncomfortable. It kind of feels like you're lying on rocks."

-The next day the party carries on, and they encounter a halfling attack!
"Bill casts magic missile, and then while I'm in the Neutral Zone I swear at everyone when they can't see and  hear me!"
"He's getting it out of his system!"

-The halflings are attacking the party's horses, and also attacking Lenny.
"Help! they're trying to eat me!! That's just evil!"

-Heidi was scouting ahead.
"Heidi, we're being attacked by halflings!"
"OK, let me know how it goes."

-"Come help, Posh Elf!"
"He is helping. He's fighting the ones that are attacking him and then running away!"

-"Heidi swoops down and stabs one."
"You're not even trying to play the pacifist anymore?"
"He's got the demon-killer sword. That's his excuse."

-Heidi kills the last halfling, and then Bill returns just as the fight is over.

-That night they get to another farmstead.
"This farmer looks and sounds just like the one from yesterday"
"Yeah, it's an #NPC!"

-Catboy pays the farmer 3pp for them to stay in the barn. That night, Lenny sneaks away on his watch and comes back covered in blood.
"Aw geez. Are you satisfied, Lenny?"
"Sure am! And I also found 3pp!"

-"Hey Bill, could you teach me a spell?"
"Sure. Which one?"
"Charm person."
"Not Magic Missile?"
"Well, I already have flaming hands."
"After spending a week in the Masturbation Tower, I would expect you would."

-Ted the posh elf wizard finally meets his familiar: a narcissistic skeletal rat named Boris. He casts Detect Magic.

-"You've crossed the river, and now you're beyond the border of Coolland."
"We're in Uncoolland!"

-"No one will attack us while we travel, because there's a Non-aggression Principle!"

-"You guys I have a really interesting character sheet; my stats are 9, 9, 13, 13, 13, 15!"
"Oh yeah, you're totally tickling my balls with that super-interesting set of numbers..."
"Yeah, oh god you guys, my character sheet is made of paper! And it has my name written on it!"
"Fuck you guys."

-"Suddenly, two giant weasels attack!"
"The Deadliest Libertarian Predators!"

-"It's OK, there's only two of them!"
"Famous last words."

-"Should I cast Control Fire?"
"No! We're in a forest in a kingdom of libertarians, they probably don't have a fire brigade!"

-They kill one, and the other weasel flees.
"I could have killed the one that was running, but I'll spare it's life. I'm learning your pacifist ways, Heidi."
"My what?"

-"Bill got another natural 1."
"Man, Bill is so corrupt."
"I don't know if you mean magical corruption, or just in general."

-That night they camp out, and the weasel who's life Bill spared comes back for revenge!
"Flaming hands!"
"Damn it Posh Elf, you started a forest fire!"
"We have to leave!"
"I'm sure the libertarians will take care of it."

-"Only you can stop forest fires... and we're not going to stop it."

-Lenny prays for rain to stop the fire.
"Great, now everything is all muddy!"

-"That roasted weasel smells pretty good..."
"Ew, you're going to eat roadkill! That's gross!"
"Fuck's sake, Lenny.."

-"When we get to the city, don't call me Bill... call me... um.. Salamander!"
"That's a stupid name."
"I want a stupid name too!"
"Isn't Heidi stupid enough?"
"No.. call me.. Catabra!"

-"Oh hey you guys, I forgot I had these retractable hoverbikes. We didn't need horses after all!"
"Goddamn it, Heidi."

-"So these guys who rule here, Erboz and Blart.. are they.. you know?"
"We don't talk about that."
"Oh."
"But they do spend all their time calling each other 'bestest buddies'."

-They present themselves to Erboz and Blart, and since the laws of the city allow them to challenge the duo in a duel to the death for rule over the city, they obviously do that.
"Very well. Tomorrow, we will duel. Tonight, you can stay here, and as honored challengers we'll give you a room and a slave woman."
"Do you have slave elves?"
"Jesus, am I seriously the least creepy one here?"

-"Do you have a masturbation tower for the wizard?"
"No."
"I don't need that anyways! I just need..."
"A regular tower?"
"Yes. Wait, I mean no!"
"OK, so a masturbation room?"

-Bill, going as 'Salamander', is trying to hide is real identity by acting all feeble.
"Wait, you're not a vegan, are you?"
"Um.."
"Because Veganism is punishable by death in the Free City of Mra."
"Oh, then no."

-Heidi is pressured into accepting a slave woman that night.
"So I say yes, but then later I pretend I have erectile dysfunction."
"Right... 'pretends'..."

-That night, Bill kills an assassin sent by the Duke of Abstinence to attack him while he slept.
"Great, now what do I do?"
"You could planar step the body.."
"No, that would be too complicated. Instead I'll strip the body, cut off his face, and then throw the corpse out the window."

-"Assassins are now attacking everyone else in their rooms."
"I like how Bill didn't bother to warn us, or even to check on us."

-"I can't believe the guy having the hardest time fighting his assassin is Heidi."
"He's just doing a really good job of acting weak and helpless."

-"I look at myself in the mirror wearing the dead guy's face."
"I think Bill's Baptism is wearing off."
"I like how he's doing this instead of helping any of us."

-The next day, after having beaten the assassins, they present themselves to Erboz and Blart. Once again, they try to act all weak.
"You guys are either faking how feeble you are, or you're complete idiots."
"Why not both?"

-Erboz and Blart call out Bill for who he is, and then challenge him and the rest of the party to a duel. Everyone accepts except Ted the Posh Elf Wizard.

-"I will probably regret saying this in a second, but we beat Sezrekhan so how hard could these guys be?"

-Heidi and Bill resist the psychic wizard's attack, and slaughter the Bestest Buddies in a single round.
"Well, that was underwhelming."

-"We shall now use our newfound power as rulers of this city."
"Yeah, to get the Duke of Abstinence."
"Oh yeah!"
"What were you thinking it was for?"

-"I declare that as this is a free city, everyone here should be free!"
"They are all free, sir."
"Even the women?"
"Oh.. but, the basis of the City of Mra is that women shall never rule over men!"
"They won't. I'll rule."
"As you command, my lord... *whisper* he has to die.."

-"What should we do now?"
"Fix the roads?"

-The Duke isn't actually in the city. The PoodlePoo bot and the kidnapped social media stars were, but the PCs were so distracted they slipped away.
"Well, we took over the city but totally failed in the mission we came here for."
"That's a good result by our standards."

-They do manage to capture several of the Duke's agents in the city.
"Where is the Duke?"
"He moves around, we can't say for sure."
"Where was the last place you knew he was at?"
"The last time we got word, his main force was camped out at the base of the waterfalls of Destiny's Child."

-"Very well. You spies are free to go... to jail."
"You are a cruel but fair ruler."


That's where we stopped off for now. The PCs were now ruling a city, for however long they might keep it, but they let their prey escape. Will they give a shit? Will they be able to last long in Mra? Or will they fuck off to some other quest? Stay tuned next time to find out!

RPGPundit

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