We started this adventure with the PCs teleporting into an idyllic field of pretty flowers full of fluffy little bunnies. In the distance, they could see Gaga, the capital city of Coolland, whose Queen Zoey they had just agreed to save from the invasion of her uncle, the Duke of Abstinence.
Now:
-The Drunken Master throws up a considerable amount of blood.
"I'm totally fine!"
He then immediately passes out.
-Morris decides he's going to try to kill a bunny, just for sick kicks. But he misses his attack roll. All of a sudden, every one of the hundreds of bunnies in the field sit up, and slowly turn to stare at him ominously.
"Well, I'm immediately regretting this."
-"Bill has become the voice of reason in the party - how sad is that?"
"What the fuck is happening here?!"
-The PCs decide to quickly run from the bunnies and head toward the city, leaving behind the unconscious Drunken Master.
"As you flee, you see the bunnies slowly converging toward the Drunken Master's prone form"
"It's ok, they're probably just going to take care of him!"
-The city of Gaga looks like it was totally built by Disney.
-The city's gates are shut, and walls manned by guards; but when they realize who the PCs are, they immediately open the gates. The PCs are really not used to this.
-"You're awesome!! I've always wanted to meet you! My friends are going to be so jealous I got to talk to Ackbasha!"
"I'm Chu!"
-A delegation of the Queen's council arrive, including a fashionably-dressed extremely hot guy in sunglasses who turns out to be the Prime Minister, and an old guy in a very colourful set of robes and a beanie-hat with a coiling wire at the top with a bobbing icon of an eye. The second guy turns out to be the court wizard, named Palombo.
-The PCs are being totally mobbed by hoards of young people, all engaging in some kind of medieval snapchatting; frantically sketching quick drawings of the PCs and then sharing them with each other.
-Suddenly, a Minotaur teleports in!
"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten that was still happening."
-Bill blasts the minotaur with an impressive Magic Missile. As the standard side-effect of his spell, he is afterward immediately sent to the "neutral zone" (an ethereal plane) for 1d6+1 rounds. While there, he's surprised to see some hip-looking dude hanging around in ethereal form too.
"Hey man"
"..who the fuck are you?"
"Alamabus the wizard. You stuck here permanently?"
"No.. I'll be gone soon."
"Lucky you."
-Some of the PCs are pretty impressed by how most of the population of Coolland are very young and very beautiful.
"so... how do people here swing?"
"It's Coolland. Everyone here is pansexual!"
"Morris, why did you have to ask?"
"I was curious."
"Oh, you're Curious?? That's cool!"
-The PCs reach the Palace, where they meet Queen Zoey. She looks to be a hot barely-legal pink mutant, dressed in a spandex workout suit when she first encounters them.
"Hey.. um.. quick question: what's the age of consent around here? I'm asking for a friend!"
"Don't worry about it. No one here is going to find you attractive enough to have sex with anyways, fishman"
"Hey! I'll have you know that among my fishman species I'm considered only slightly below average appearance!"
"It doesn't matter anyhow. Almost no one in Coolland actually has sex. It's apparently not cool anymore."
-"So your majesty, you want us to save you from your uncle the Duke. I just wanted to know: precisely what level of Scorched Earth are you looking for here?"
"I want the least number of people hurt as possible."
"Wow. I think you have some serious misconceptions about us."
-"What about the orcs your uncle has recruited, can we kill them?"
"Oh, sure! They're gross and smelly and ugly! And it's ok to say so because they're racist!"
-"Please, you have to help me, you're my only hope!..Hehe, I always wanted to say that!"
"You're pretty young for that reference.."
"No, it's totally cool again!"
-"My uncle wants to usurp me before I really become Queen. My rule is only assured after I complete the Ceremonial Pole Dance."
"I really want to see that!"
-Morris immediately gains himself a reputation in Coolland as a total Creep.
-"My bunny-spies have told me that my uncle is trying to obtain a super-weapon of some kind. Many bunny-spies died to get us this information."
-"Bunny spies?"
"Dude, I'm a fishman, you're a pigman, Morris is a creep, and Bill changes bodies like underwear."
"I'm trans-elf."
"You're trans?? Cool!"
-Coolland social media messaging is sent by a legion of tiny blue-birds.
-"You guys will be super popular here!"
"I don't really care about popularity."
"I do!!"
-"Tomorrow you will go on your mission, but tonight.. dance party!"
-Nobody in Coolland has sex, but cuddle-piles and girls-kissing-girls is plentiful.
-Only Morris stays at the dance, the rest of the PCs deciding they're too old for this bullshit.
-Social media hashtags Morris as "#CreepyJuggler". By the end of the night he got 17161 Likes, but 86713 Dislikes.
"#CreepyJuggler was staring at me all night. Ew!"
"#CreepyJuggler tried to join our cuddlepile. Awkward."
"I'm famous now!"
-The next morning, in accordance to the PCs' request, Queen Zoey presents them with the only Cleric in Gaga. His name is Zabaz, and he's a chain-smoking unkempt potty-mouthed nervous wreck who hates G.O.D.
"Aren't clerics supposed to love G.O.D.?"
"I want to go to the Crown of Creation and kick G.O.D. in the fucking crotch!"
"You've come to the right group!"
-"Ackbasha's dead?"
"Yes."
"Serves him fucking right!"
"You and I will get along just fine, Cleric!"
"Yeah. G.O.D. does sometimes answer people's prayers!"
-"Your majesty, could we also take along some convicts you might have, as cannon fodder?"
"There's very little crime here..We might have someone in Fashion Jail!"
-They find there is in fact one hardened criminal in Fashion Jail; his name's Nesber. His crime: wearing socks and sandals at the same time.
"I think they look just fine!"
-"At least they're not Crocs"
"No... sadly they confiscated those!"
-They also need a tracker to lead them through the wilderness to the supposed ancient ruined Temple of the Lord of Blood & Fire, which the Duke of Abstinence seeks for his super-weapon. They are presented with their scout: an Airdale Terrier named Wally.
"Can I pet you?"
"No! I'm a working dog!"
-"I'm going to sneak up behind the dog to scratch his ear without him noticing!"
"What the fuck dude?! Do you even have to be all creepy with the dog???"
-Dog: "That fishman thinks he's people!"
-Heading off, after an uneventful day's march, it's time for bed in the woods, and as is his want, Bill casts Sequester. He gets a critical, meaning that 50 suits of Animated Armor appear to help guard them.
"These automatons will watch over us as we sleep!"
"So, like Morris?"
"Not that creepy."
-The next day, they run into some orc zombies in the forest.
-The dog and the cynical cleric join the fight, but "Sandals" proves useless.
"I know how to identify plants from my time as a boy scout. Are the zombies vulnerable to poison ivy? Because I found some over here."
"No, but if the Drunken Master is still alive you'll prove a great help to him."
-"Cleric Zabaz, I need some healing. What alignment are you?"
"I'm Lawful Fuck You, that's what I am!"
-The party passes by a small army of orcs gathered around the gutted ruins of an ancient Elven Dome.
-That night the team breaks up into watches. Morris is stuck keeping watch with Sandals, because no one else wants to do a watch with either of them.
"We can make knots to pass the time!"
"Even the other boy scouts thought you sucked, didn't they?"
"I was actually the only kid in my troupe. My mom was the scoutmaster; she thought I was cool!"
-A random minotaur encounter happens. The entire party wakes up to a swearing-match between the Minotaur jock and the disgruntled cleric.
"Oh fuck you!"
"Fuck you!!"
"FUCK YOU!"
"FUUUUCK YOOUUU!!"
-Sandals got injured.
"Can you heal me, Mr. Cleric?"
"No. G.O.D. hates us all, but he hates you most of all."
-The PCs carry on, and find the ruined temple! Entering, they find an enormous statue of the Lord of Blood and Fire. They also get ambushed by a group of orcs who got there just before them.
-Sandals gets hit again, and Chu rushes to his aid!
"I can't let him die like this!"
"Why the fuck not?!"
-The disgruntled cleric makes creative use of Word of Command: "SHIT!"
-Still under attack from an Orc, Sandals first attempts to offer his spear to the orc as a gift, and then his bag of nuts, but the orc just keeps attacking.
"Fight him you moron!"
"That wouldn't be very friendly of me, would it? It'd just get him madder!"
-"I'll throw another javelin, at the orc fighting Chu!"
"Are you going to roll to hit, or do you just want to save time and throw it on the ground with all the other weapons you've dropped so far?"
-Finally, the orcs are slain.
"Well, I've got the spear back and my nuts are safe!"
-"Alright, who the fuck took damage?"
"I did, Mr.Cleric!"
"Anyone?"
"Me!"
"So no one hurt?"
"I am!!!"
"Ok then, guess I'll just heal myself."
-The party camps out inside the temple. "Sandals" slept naked, except for his sandals and socks.
"Anyone want some nuts? It's good breakfast food."
-Dawn comes with another Minotaur attack. Chu, Sandals, and Bill are all hurt, and the Cleric gets a shitload of disapproval as he curses god for failing spells.
-Bill gives the cleric 100gp. He puts it away.
"Aren't you going to use that to sacrifice to G.O.D. so your disapproval goes down?"
"Fuck that."
-"We're injury buddies now, Mr.Chu! Actually, we're more than injury buddies, we're injury Besties!!"
"Put some goddamn clothes on!"
-Bill charms "Sandals". Sandals is successfully charmed. Bill commands him to take off the sandals. "Sandals" gets a second save and succeeds.
"I'm still your friend, but my sandals are sacred!"
-The PCs discover that the massive statue of the Lord of Blood & Fire is actually hollow, and has rooms inside. They decide to go investigate.
"I'll stay here, and I'll bark if any orcs approach"
"...or a squirrel."
"I don't like you, fishman."
"have a jerky treat!"
"No! I.. oh goddamn it... *munch*"
"Who's a good boy!"
"Stop it!"
"Your tail's wagging!"
"Damn you!!"
-The interior of the statue is full of machinery and controls; the PCs are fairly certain that it's a kind of mecha.
-Bill decides that the best way to avoid any potential ambush or trap in the next room down the stairs is to drop a grenade down there. This ruins a bunch of machinery and starts a small fire.
-Once the fire is out, they decide to play it extra cautious and send Sandals down to investigate first. It turns out that neither Bill's grenade or the fire did any harm to the shadow-creatures that were waiting in ambush. Sandals is promptly disemboweled!
-The rest of the team defeats the shadows. Chu removes the socks from Sandal's corpse.
"There, that was bugging me so much!"
-The dog calls out to them from outside "Everything alright up there?"
"Yes, everything is fine. Sandals is dead."
"Oh. That's...a..thing that happened."
-They go down to yet another room, and there find what appears to be an engine or furnace of some kind. They can't immediately figure out what it runs on, so they dismember Sandal's body, toss it into the furnace and light it on fire, in the hopes it'll do something. It doesn't.
-Bill then decides to try to "Mend" the entire statue. He succeeds, repairing the damage that neglect and Bill himself caused. But mending the statue still doesn't provide a power source.
-They do notice a nearly-empty bin by the furnace with some crystals in it. When they toss a crystal into the furnace and pull the 'on' lever, it crackles with energy and comes alive, but only for a minute!
-They also found a mining elevator leading down to some large cavern underneath the statue. Figuring that there might be more power crystals down there, they plan to head in that direction.
That's it for this session. Next time, the PCs will be trying to find a way to power the statue, cause immense mayhem with it, and hopefully keep it so they can go devastate Tholia with it like Morris wanted.
Stay tuned!
RPGPundit
Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake
I pictured the shades are No Face.
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