Tuesday, 7 March 2017
DCC Campaign Archive: He's the One With the Sombrero
Our last adventure saw the group in the city of Lol, home of the techno-walruses, the High Council of Wizards, and the Guardian Robots (suspiciously familiar-looking pepperpot shaped robots). One or more of the council may be diabolists, there's a 'resistance' out to blow up the whole council, the wizard-robot BOLT-1 has made an alliance with the Guardian Robots to Exterminate all organic life, and the Daemon Sezrekhan is slowly taking over all of reality. That's a lot of problems building up all at once.
-Heidi gets to the palace of Cylor the Cyclops wizard. Bill is sent down to identify him as a party member. When Bill comes down, he's wearing a toga like Cylor does, but not knowing how to put it on, it looks more like a diaper.
-"I was kidnapped by rebels."
"Hey, welcome to the club!"
"They want to destroy the council."
-Heidi reveals that the Archemaster has teamed up with the Rebels, and they're somehow planning to get themselves a bomb.
-"So now we're all together again, except Yarr who's staying at Fairywinkle's, and the 'handicapable' guy".
"Wait, Morris isn't the guy we mean by 'handicapable'?"
-"So... your plan is to think about a plan later?"
-Suddenly, someone notices Cylor's fountain, which was a gift 'from the grateful kingdom of Minotauria'.
"Wait.. Minotauria is real!!"
-the next day the group gets a note from Fairywinkle saying that Yarr the halfling is missing.
-"Dude, the Handicapable Mutant can take care of himself in Lol."
"YOU can't even take care of yourself in Lol! You got yourself encapsulated in 10 minutes!"
"Less than 10, actually..."
-"The Archemaster is with the rebels."
"Didn't you know, Cylor?"
"Shouldn't we help them?"
"They want to destroy the council.."
"I'm ON the council!"
"Ohh... sorry. Still, though..."
"Wait, Cylor's on the council?"
-"Bill is your leader, it's his job to give you things, not mine!"
"He doesn't have anything!"
"Hey, I do too!"
"Please, you're wearing a diaper!"
-"We should all go, so you stop annoying Cylor"
"We're not annoying him!"
"Yes, you are."
-"Why do you want to find the rebels?"
"Well, because I am one!"
"Um, I just want to mention I barely know these guys, Cylor..."
-Cylor lends Bill his most attractive catamite to act as a tour guide.
"So...um... do you and Cylor... um.."
"Wrestle? Oh yes, he's a mighty wrestler!"
-"You know, now that I'm with your new characters, I even miss Ack'basha!"
-Bill and the others get to the Dancing Harpy tavern, where Jal'udin is waiting to parley with him.
"Ok, you guys stay here while I go talk to him, alright?"
They all follow him.
-"There's a single empty chair in front of Jal'udin, he gestures for Bill to sit down"
"That's fine, the rest of us get empty chairs from other tables and bring them over!"
-"You are surrounded by imbeciles, Bill. I am not your worst problem right now."
"tell me about it."
-Bill and Jal'udin can't come to an agreement about how to handle the Sezrekhan issue. Fundamentally, Bill doesn't trust Jal'udin; if Jal'udin steals Bill's phylactery, Bill fears he'll just destroy it. Heidi has a plan:
"What if half of us go with Jal'udin, to make sure he doesn't try anything?"
"Ah yes! That is a very good idea, my friend. Surely you will be able to stop me if I try anything!"
"Um.. is Jal'udin actually giggling, or is that just you?"
"No, it's not just me, Jal'udin can't help but giggle at your suggestion."
"I think we should just leave the phylactery where it is."
-"Maybe we can Encapsulate Sezrekhan with the Guardian Robot technology?"
"That would work!"
"I really do not think that would work."
"We could ask one of the Guardian Robots... there's probably one right outside, I noticed they were following me on the way over here."
"What?? This meeting is over!"
-After Jal'udin vanishes back into the shadows, Teal goes outside, and indeed there's a Guardian robot there. He goes up to talk to it.
"Sezrekhan is a danger to all of Lol"
"WHERE IS HE SITUATED?"
"He's not in the city; he's in the Crown of Creation."
"THIS MUST BE DISCUSSED BY THE GUARDIAN WAR COUNCIL. YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO THEM. OBEY OR BE ENCAPSULATED! OBEY! OBEY!"
"Hey guys, we've got to go to a meeting with the supreme council of robot dudes.. guys? Where did you go? Aw, fuck you guys!"
-"Are you some kind of Mighty Wizard?"
"Well, define 'mighty'. Also, define 'wizard'. Also, define 'kind'."
-Bill purchase 23 prisoner-capsules from a suspicious old woman on the street.
"What's your name, suspicious old woman?"
"Well that's even more suspicious now!"
-Bill gets to the library and sends Cylor's catamite to go decapsulate the 23 capsules while he starts researching Emirkol's Maelstrom.
"So you're going to free 23 criminals to join your cause?"
"How is that any different from my current party?"
-Meanwhile the farmer and the blacksmith went ahead to the Mausoleum
"Hi, can you take me to see Frijole the Wizard?"
"His statue is over there; he's the one with the sombrero."
"I should have figured."
-The Farmer and Blacksmith find out they can't access the brain-jars in the Mausoleum, because they aren't wizards.
"Just out of curiosity, do you have any secondary entries or exits?"
"Only the windows, I suppose."
"Oh I see. And do you know where I could buy rope?"
-Teal is led into the headquarters of the Guardian robots.
"So just wondering, do you guys have any weaknesses?"
"THE GUARDIANS HAVE NO WEAKNESSES! THE GUARDIANS ARE SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY!"
-Teal tells them about Sezrekhan.
"SEZREKHAN IS THE ENEMY OF THE GUARDIANS. HE MUST BE EXTERMINATED!EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
-Teal learns that Bolt-1 is allied with the Guardians. Bolt-1 shows up to ask him some questions:
"YOU WILL TELL US IF BILL THE ELF KNOWS OF OUR ALLIANCE AND PLAN TO EXTERMINATE ALL ORGANIC LIFE ON LOL!"
"No, and I've already forgotten too!"
-At the library, Bill meets Grizlor the Archivist, who watches over the entry. He's a classic wizened sage with a long white beard.
"Is this 'heidi' your apprentice?"
"No, he's a... companion."
"I see, well, he may enter with you, but NO hanky-panky in the library aisles!"
-Entering into the restricted area of the grand library proper, Bill meets Grezlor the Librarian, who looks even more wizened and has an even longer white beard.
"Wait, aren't you the receptionist?"
"No, that's my grandson!"
-Teal is kept alive by the Guardian robots, for now. He's dumped into a cell with a really weird guy with crazy white hair and odd taste in clothing.
No, not that guy.
"So um, what's your name?"
"The Guardians once called me the Oncoming Storm."
"But what's your name?"
"I have many names."
"I'll stab you!!"
"You may call me... Roman. Roman Beckett"
-"I can modify your dagger to penetrate the Guardian Robots' Guardanium-Metal shells."
"That's an awful name."
-Roman has a sonic tool to open the door, because of course he does.
-There's a guardian robot right at the door!
"Stab it in the eyestalk my boy! That's its weak spot!"
"They lied to me!!!"
-As soon as Teal starts to engage with the Guardian Robot, Roman bravely runs away abandoning him.
"Oh, fuck you!!"
-Meanwhile, the Resistance is in open revolt on the streets!
The Farmer tells the rebels he's looking for Myla and will be found at Cylor's tower.
"Are you going to kill Cylor?"
"No, I'm with Bill."
"Is Bill in the revolution, comrade?"
"Bill's a revolution in himself."
-"Hey, those are the humans over there, we should try to avoid them seeing us!"
"Bill, you're in the body of a radioactive mutant. You literally glow. You're pretty hard to miss."
-Despite their best efforts to avoid them, Bill & Heidi meet up again with the human farmer and blacksmith. They all go together to the Mausoleum, where Bill helps the farmer commune with the brain of the deceased wizard Frijole. He reveals the location of the last possible surviving batch of his magic beans.
-The brain of the deceased Wizard Emirikol allows Bill to commune with him. "I like the cut of your jib, youngster. You're a source of mayhem."
"Apparently, Emirikol was the Bill the Elf of 1000 years ago."
-"You have but 1 question left."
"Wait, you said I could ask 3 questions, and I only asked 1 so far!"
"That's why they call me Emirkol the Chaotic."
-"So you want to get to the Crown of Creation; but you can't get the Libram of the Ten Spheres?"
"Nope, I gave it to Sezrekhan."
"Alright... do you perchance have an Ancient?"
"No. I had one, but I killed her in a magical rage."
-"You could go through the abyss."
"But everything that goes into the abyss is annihilated, it will tear apart the very fabric of your reality."
"So, sort of like living with Bill!"
-Suddenly, the PCs hear an explosion in the distance!
"That sounds as though it came from the direction of the tower of the High Council!"
"Wow, the Archemaster actually managed to find a bomb after all.."
-It turns out that the PC's carelessness with Cylor alerted him to the rebels' plans, and the High Council was waiting for the Archemaster. They defeated him easily and put him in the Infinity Pit. The bomb did no real damage, and they are now hunting down the rebel leaders.
The council is concerned about why the Guardian robots did not stop the mobs on the streets, however.
-"Bill, can we try to find Myla?"
"That woman is trouble."
-An apprentice gives Bill a message, inviting him to a private meeting in the high wizard Bellmunster's tower.
"Wow, we're getting to see all the towers! If we actually go to every one of them, I think we'll get a free t-shirt or something."
-Bellmunsters tower is full of weird stuff.
"This place reminds me of the Curiosity Shop."
"I can't tell if Bellmunster is a great collector of powerful magic objects, or just a hoarder."
-"...the tower smells of pipe tobacco and wizardry."
"So, like the Pundit's house?"
-"Bill, can your servants be trusted?"
"Eh, sure, why not?"
"We can be trusted about as much as Bill!"
"Trusted for what? Because if it's to leave you the fuck alone, then no."
-"I think Cylor is the diabolist, Bellmunster."
"How do you know this?"
"A street waif told me. And he seems too trustworthy."
-"Bill, is there anything you wish to tell me?"
"I wish my brother Ted hadn't died... oh, wait, you mean about our current situation?"
-Bill and Bellmunster discuss how they might be able to reach the Crown of Creation.
"What if we used the Ancient's body?"
"Possibly. Where is the Ancient's body?"
"She died in the Palace of the Presbyterian Church. Are they still around?"
"No, they were conquered by the Sky Nazis."
"Would the Sky Nazis possibly collaborate with us?"
"Usually the Sky Nazis are the ones who make you collaborate with them!"
-"I never thought I'd be suggesting an alliance with Sky Nazis!"
"Don't worry, it's very normal; this is what happens when you spend any time around Bill."
"He's a Black Hole of Moral Degeneracy, and we're all just in his event horizon."
-"The Hippomagus was last seen in a nearby floating island called Ansuz, and he was in possession of a powerful object known as the Sun Staff."
"I had nothing to do with that."
-"Bill, I need 101gp to pay some debts."
"I also want 50gp to screw around with."
"What am I, your dad?!"
-Teal was defeated by the Guardian Robots, after Roman abandoned him. But instead of Exterminating him, BOLT-1 interrogates him and makes him an offer.
"YOUR ONGOING EXISTENCE WILL DEPEND ON YOUR USEFULLNESS"
"Well, I'm totally doomed."
-Teal tells BOLT-1 that Bill wants to destroy Lol, is in league with Sezrekhan and BOLT-0, and that he'll willingly work for BOLT-1 if he's spared. In other words, an unending stream of total bullshit.
-"HE SHOULD BE EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATE!"
"NO. HE WILL BE OF USE TO US. PROBE HIM AND RELEASE HIM OUTSIDE."
"oh yay, probing..."
-Teal agrees to serve the Guardians and BOLT-1; he's told he'll be implanted with a listening device on his right wrist which will allow him to inform BOLT-1 of anything Bill and the other people around him are doing.
-The humans find the hovel that Frijole the magician had mentioned he'd hidden the last jar of magic beans in. They find it occupied by a young drug dealer, and buy some drugs off him to get access to his outhouse (where Frijole said it was hidden). The blacksmith gets bitten by some hideous sewer lizard-rat, but they get their jar of beans.
-Teal wakes up in an alley.
"I press my wrist to tell BOLT-1 I'm ok!"
"You know you're pressing the wrong wrist, right?"
"I do, Teal doesn't."
-Teal ends up spotting the handicapable yellow mutant who has been lost wandering through the city all adventure long. Unfortunately, Teal is the only party member who had never actually met that character, so he walks right past him.
-Teal does spot, and recognize, Roman Beckett! He's in a very poor disguise (basically just a top hat and a fake beard, over his real beard). Teal tries to attack Roman, but Roman knocks him over with some "Venusian Aikido".
-Teal agrees to take Roman to Cylor and warn everyone about Bolt-1. They get to Cylor's tower.
"I want to speak to Mr. Big eye... I mean Cylor."
-One of the two humans immediately recognizes Roman as his quirky uncle that he hadn't seen since childhood. Curiously, Roman doesn't seem to have aged a day.
-It turns out Cylor cut a deal with the mercenary, Malaprex the Violent; freeing him (after having captured him last session) in exchange for him being in charge of wiping out the Resistance. Malaprex managed to slaughter most of the Resistance's leadership, but Myla escaped.
-Teal immerses his left wrist in the Minotauria fountain.
"Ok, listen, the Guardian robots put an implant in my right wrist, but I think I'm blocking it"
"That's your left wrist, dude."
"My left..? Oh shit!"
-"BOLT-1 and the Guardians plan to exterminate all life on Lol? I find that hard to believe."
-Just then, Teal explodes! When he does, Roman was already running like hell for the exit, having apparently realized what was about to take place. A couple of the PCs were trying to stop him, so they were near the door when the blast went off.
-"They put a bomb in me?! Man, BOLT-1 is an asshole, just like his dad..."
-"BOLT-1 betrayed us after all. We have to stop the Guardians!"
"Ah say we kill everyone! That what Teal would have wanted!"
"Actually.. that probably is what he would have wanted."
-Heidi convinces Cylor to call together an emergency meeting of the council, to alert them of the imminent peril, and to try to take out BOLT-1.
-"We need to evacuate the population!"
"There aren't enough sky-ships to evacuate the entire population of LOL."
"We could have them go into the towers..."
"I don't think so.. they'll touch my things."
"Maybe the sewers? They might be safe there, for a little while?"
"Ah yes, the sewers! That's a much better place for the commoners to go!"
-The farmer and the blacksmith, Cylor, "Uncle" Roman, Heidi and Malaprex all head to the High Council tower to meet with the other great wizards, after sending all of Cylor's remaining catamites to alert the population to evacuate or flee into the sewers.
-Meanwhile, Bill is in the Library, totally unaware of the new crisis, engrossed in studying for his new spell.
"Like a NERD!"
That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to save Lol from the robot menace? Will they be able to form a coherent plan with the world's mightiest wizards to find a way to stop Sezrekhan from assimilating the entire universe? Will Bill finally learn his new spell? Or will they just fuck everything up as usual? Tune in next time to find out!
(but let's face it, it'll probably be 'fuck everything up' time)
Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia