Friday, 26 December 2014
DCC Campaign Archive: "Kill it with Fire!"
In today's adventure the PCs learned that:
-You can't really take a year off if your Ice Dome has no power.
-Even once the power is back on, you can't really take a year off if the dome has no food.
-Elven Domes have a very sophisticated food-maker technology that, in essence, means Elves spend most of their lives eating their own shit.
-Apparently, that's ok because Elves poop rainbows... at least, according to the party's resident elves.
-You can use "Mending" to fix a processor unit, but you can't use it to just manifest the vital radioactive isotope that makes the unit process.
-Ultimately, you just can't take a year off.
-When trying to find a rare radioactive isotope, the first place the party can think of checking is the Tower of the Azure Order.
-As usual, whenever you visit the Azure Order, there's a crisis of epic proportions going on and they want to send you on a suicide quest.
-In this case, this quest involves assisting a succubus and a band of dwarves to rescue an azure wizard from the Dark Ones, whose 'brain eater' servants have kidnapped and taken to one of the outer modules of the (fallen) ancient Dwarven Machineholds. The urgency is because when the sky-rocks are aligned, the sacrifice of this particular young wizard will allow the Dark Ones to at long last extinguish the Last Sun.
-Dwarves come in packs of 12. This particular band is led by Prince Snort, Son of Schwartz, who (like all dwarf bands ever) have as their goal to reclaim their lost homeland.
-The Azure Order does not usually team-up with a blonde bombshell Succubus named "Hot Gams", but stopping the Last Sun from being put out makes for strange bedfellows.
-Hot Gams will give you the time of your life, unfortunately it will also be the last time of your life; or as the tribal mutants like to put it, "Death by Snoo-Snoo".
-You have to go through all kinds of bullshit just to get to the Dwarven Machinehold.
-For starters, you have to go to a place called the Forest of Worms, which is not named after some german village. No, as expected, it's called that because it's a forest full of giant worms.
-When you get past the worm caves, then you have to go through the cave of webs.
-You'd expect the cave of webs to be filled with giant spiders, but it isn't. Unfortunately, that's because it's only full of one Really Giant Spider that ate all the other spiders.
-The Dwarven response to a giant giant spider is "kill it with fire!"
-When choosing whether to go down through the "Cave of Plague Beasts" or near the "City of the Pale Elves", the latter sounds more palatable.
-Apparently, the pale elves are a race of evil Chaos-worshiping underground elves with incredibly pale skin and a seriously misogynistic culture.
-Pale elves use dart guns with a toxic ooze even medi-bots can't heal.
-The Dwarven response to pale elf guards is "kill them with fire!"
-Pale elves can end up being a problem that solves itself, if a pale elf wizard summons a terrible giant ice frog and then dies the very next round, leaving the frog to run amok amongst the remaining elves.
-When faced with a poison ooze a medibot can't heal, it's time to call on the Lord of All Flesh.
-If you have a dying team-mate, the Lord of All Flesh will lie to you about what you need to do to draw out the poison for comedic/erotic effect.
-People with a lot of secrets should probably be careful to know that Succubi read minds. They should be particularly careful if they had specifically put on Bras of Femininity for no other reason than to avoid being seduced and killed by a succubus.
-if there's one thing a succubus can't stand, it's female impersonators who act like bimbos.
-The Dwarven Machinehold is a sophisticated labyrinthine complex of rooms, corridors and great halls; none of which the ancient Dwarves ever bothered to make a map about, because they all knew where everything was anyways and would almost never get visitors.
-There are two things you need to know about brain-eaters: the first is that they eat brains. The second is that the Dwarven response to them is "Kill it with fire!"
-In fact, the Dwarven response to just about any kind of hostile entity, small or large, is to loudly declare that said entity must be killed, ideally with fire.
-You actually also need to know one more thing about brain-eaters: they have a massive psychic blast attack that will routinely kill half the party every time it's used.
-The absurdity of there being any chance of a group of 12 dwarves managing to take back a lost Dwarven homeland after ten millennia of occupation by lovecraftian monstrosities only becomes slightly more absurd when there are but 6 Dwarves left.
-If by scrying and divination, the team's succubus finds out that the Dark Ones are to the South and East of here, everyone agrees the best plan of action is to go West, and North.
-A second encounter with a brain-eater will still kill half your party, even if you only had half a party left.
-one way to avoid potential blackmail scenarios from Psychic Succubi is if said succubi get their brain eaten in legitimate combat for the purpose of World-saving and Dwarven Repatriation.
-At this point even Prince Snort's two remaining dwarven subjects think it seems pretty unlikely that they'll be able to liberate a vast dwarf-hold from the Brain Eaters and Dark Ones who presently infest it.
-That doesn't stop his determination to do it, or die trying. Almost certainly the latter.
-The Brain Eaters apparently have no need of the old and spartan dwarf living-quarters, so they've allowed it to be overrun by Insect Men.
-Insect men are, fortunately, a lot easier to kill than Brain Eaters, so the party decides that this is a good place to hold up, with only 6 out of 16 members left alive.
Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti half-volcano + Gawith's Balkan Flake