So as of last session, the PCs were on the eve of the Death Race 3000, when a horde of Sezrekhan Zombies were headed right for their encampment in the night.
Now:
-"OK, so there's like more than 40 of these sezrekhan zombies coming; I say we take them from both sides."
"Well, we are in vehicles, why don't we just drive off?"
"Oh yeah, totally. I was just saying that other shit to the pirates."
-"would ramming them with the truck do non-lethal damage?"
"When you start looking for technicalities to get away with murder, you're just not a pacifist anymore."
-"We have to save the city, though!"
"As far as I'm concerned, fuck those people."
-"We should have tied the sezrekhan zombies to our vehicle as cushioning!"
"That's stupid."
"It's also how you get sezrekAIDS."
-"Do you think this many sezrekhan zombies means that there might be a follower of sezrekhan in the city? Remember how we heard that zombie outbreaks are more likely to happen where there's acolytes of sezrekhan?"
"There are some wizards in the city."
"Maybe the Hippomagus is a follower of Sezrekhan!"
"What? I am not! I'm a member of the council, we hate diabolism!"
"Tell that to Fluffy."
"He was a traitor."
"I bet there's others in the council who were too."
"Yeah, I bet the Hippomagus is a follower of sezrekhan."
"I am not! Stop it!"
"That's just what a follower of sezrekhan would say."
-"We should probably stop treating the Hippomagus like shit. He's mumbling to himself again."
"...going to burn them all one day.."
-"The Hippomagus is like the anti-Bill. It's like if someone shot a ray at bill the elf that sucked all the goodness, innocence, and general wussiness out of him, and put it into a ridiculous-looking wizard, and that's the hippomagus."
-"So the race is tomorrow, right? Is there any side-quest we can get distracted by tonight?"
-"So the pirates have 'comms' that don't actually work and you're just sending them to their deaths?"
"I guess. I just don't want them hanging around."
"Man, you're an even bigger pile of crap than most pacifists!"
-"So, who's going on the Shaft-1 and who's going on the Loser Car?"
"Does the Shaft-1 have a dolphin-launcher?"
"It has a particle beam cannon."
"Ours is still cooler."
"I don't know, the Particle Beam Cannon has particles."
"Yeah, and a beam!"
-"So wait, our entire strategy depended on launching dolphins that explode on impact... and you forgot to get any explosives?"
"What really matters is looking cool!"
"Ok, sure."
-Sami volunteers to go looking for explosives, with her extensive knowledge of the streets.
"You mean street walking?"
"Yes."
-"The cotton-candy vendor has a bandolier full of grenades under his tunic."
"See? That's using your street-smarts!"
-"Sir, I want to buy that bandolier of grenades!"
"No way! This bandolier is a family heirloom! Here, we only sell blue and pink cotton candy, and plastic explosives."
"Aw, ok. I'll take the blue cotton candy and 5kg of C4 please."
-Heidi went out looking for musicians (to play while the gang engages in post-apocalyptic road-warrior battles) but only manages to spot a marching band.
"Ok, anyone here want to make 30 gp?"
"Yeah, man!"
"Can you play pirate music?"
"Um... sure."
"Alright then, get your instrument and come with me."
"Sure, here..."
"Aw shit, not a cowbell!"
-"Ok, 100gp for anyone playing anything better than a cowbell!"
"I could do it for 100gp!"
"What do you play."
"Trombone."
"Can you play trombone pirate music?"
"Yeah, ok."
-"Is that C4?"
"Yeah."
"Go easy on that, you don't want to apply too much per dolphin, we need to make it last."
-"You know you have to stop letting people bullying you, Hippomagus"
"Yeah... people are always taking advantage of me... someday they'll all pay.."
"What?"
"Nothing."
-"So when are we betraying the pirates?"
"We already have, my friend."
-The various racers line up at the starting point, about to start the Death Race. They are a wide variety of races, nationalities, and vehicles.
"Are there anything like skyshield-nazis?"
"No, but you do see some skyshield-soviets."
"How can I tell?"
"They're driving a bland looking box-shaped van with a hammer & sickle on it"
-Heidi goes looking for another human crew to mentally control. He ends up finding a crew of hot babes. He was going to steal their vehicle, but he just kidnaps the hot-babe leader instead.
-"OK, the second the race starts, we shoot fireworks, play the trombone, and launch a dolphin at one of the other cars!"
-Blitzkrieg puts the hovertruck in a drift, spins fast and drives off at full speed to avoid the large number of contestant-vehicles all shooting at each other. In the first few minutes of the race, close to half the contestants are wiped out.
-"Should I shoot, Blitzkreig?"
"No, man, we don't want to attract attention to ourselves"
"Meanwhile, in the other truck... exploding dolphins!"
-"Hey, the dolphin didn't explode! What the fuck?!"
"Wait a minute... this isn't C4.. its taffee!"
-The hot-babe leader (named Suzanne) isn't very reasonable when de-controlled. She starts attacking everyone on the Lolipop.
-The PCs' vampire allies are having troubles of their own. Their Vampmobile is attacked by a gang of Senior-Citizen Punks.
-"Are the punks getting inside the vampmobile? Or is it hermetically sealed?"
"No, they're getting in. Ironically, the vampiremobile has a sunroof"
-"Help us! There are too.. too many of them.. ah hah hah hah!"
-Heidi tries to fly over to help, but the aged punks overwhelm the vampires.
-Sami the cleric prays for Divine Aid to transform the Taffee into real C4. Roman licks it.
"Yeah, its pure."
-The Shaft-1 has gotten far ahead, and finds a side path.
-The Lolipop is gaining ground again, having dumped Suzanne and abandoned the vampires. Then they run into a kind of EMP mine; luckily for everyone but Heidi, Heidi was flying ahead; his jet pack is fried but he manages to crash on the Lolipop without great danger.
-"I thought we were calling this the Mammoth-1?"
"Nope, it's back to being the lolipop now."
-The Shaft-1 encounters a totally wooden big-rig, that has a Trent-launcher!
"Holy shit!"
-The Trent lands on the Shaft-1 and starts trying to tear open its hull, while the elves who pilot the wooden big-rig are trying to cut off the Shaft-1's escape.
"Are the elves trying to reach around the Shaft?"
"No, but the Trent is trying to penetrate it from behind."
-Vizi and the hippomagus manage to fight off the Trent (mostly Vizi), while Blitzkrieg Sakomano and Space-Bear manage to outmaneuver the elves and blow them up.
-The Lolipop runs into some Redneck Orcs with heavy-duty shotguns on the back of a pickup truck.
"How many are there?"
"There's four in the back of the pickup armed with shotguns, one driver, and one riding shotgun, which means he has two shotguns."
-The Vegan is hit by a shotgun for 7 points of damage.
"I might be dead!"
"Shit, I forgot how few hp you have."
"Mu got hit too, but he has a ton of hp."
"I guess that makes sense, wizards have few hp and non-wizards have tons of hp."
"Yeah..hey!"
-"Can I cast magic missile at a tire?"
"No."
"Tires are made of darkness."
-"The orc redneck truck is fast, it runs on moonshine and nitro."
"I shoot the gas tank."
-The Vegan survives! No one knows how, what with his only having 7 luck. It's the second time, too.
-"Mongo has a slight owie on his head, and the Vegan has 1hp and two gaping shotgun wounds."
"I heal Mongo."
-The PCs run into the Space-romans again, and they propose teaming up.
"What do they have?"
"They said 'we have the courage of the ancients'."
"Dolphin the fuck out of them."
"Wait.. I'll tell them we're coming in friendly. THEN we dolphin them."
-The Shaft-1, meanwhile, enters an area filled with a dark green smoke. They decide to take a chance and ride through it, having forgotten that the Shaft-1 had a hull breach from the trent. The mysterious smoke fills the cabin, but every single character on board makes their saving throw.
"The smoke is irritating, but it doesn't do anything."
"Just like Mu!"
-"We try to heal the trombone player."
"His trombone is destroyed."
"Yeah, I'm a musician, I'm used to suffering."
-"If the Vegan dies, we'll launch him."
"I don't think I'd do anything."
"You would if we stuffed your corpse full of C4."
"I wouldn't fit in the dolphin launcher though!"
"You would if we cut off your limbs."
"OK, but promise me one thing, Heidi: if I die please keep the sacred dagger"
"What dagger?"
"The one you yourself gave to my people shortly before they all died."
"Ohh, hey yeah, that piece of shit."
-The team runs across various other rival/enemy vehicles, including a Giant Mecha Scorpion. Also obstacles or traps, like a Cow-launching catapult being fired from off-track.
-The Shaft-1 drives by a seemingly broken-down car with four very hot blondes waving for help.
"Hey look, man, those hot ladies need my help."
"Blitzkrieg, no! It's an obvious trap!"
"Rawwwrrr"
"No way you guys, it's not a trap, they're just sexy ladies needing someone like Sakomano."
"I'm firing on them."
"You jive motherfucker!"
-The Blondes dealt with, the Shaft-1 notices fireworks in the distance.
"That's the lolipop!"
"Hail them."
"Hey there, you're still alive! Keep shooting those fireworks and we'll try to reach you."
"These are celebratory fireworks, Sakomano, we only fire them when we kill someone... sorry, Vegan."
"Wait... why not kill the musician instead of me??"
"No way, the musician is an important part of our image."
-The party runs into a Rastan Murder Robot.
"It's one of the deadliest robots in existence. Other than BOLT-0, I mean."
-Escaping the robot, they run into a Klingon-type vessel.
"They're some kind of space-klingons!"
"They're not the bullshit fake-klingons from Discovery, are they?"
-Sami, who still has a functioning jet pack, gets the Sunstaff over to the Hippomagus, who then uses it to make force-manipulation balls, which he proceeds to throw like a girl.
-The pseudo-klingon ship tries to use some kind of a tractor beam to get the hippomagus, but he dodges!
"He's remarkably agile at dodging!"
"Oh sure, at dodging, not at throwing."
-After the battle, they move the Hippomagus to the APV, so that everyone needing the Sunstaff will be in one place. Heidi, meanwhile, moves over to the Shaft-1.
-"The Vegan only needs 3xp to level, so let's stop here for today."
"God damn it!"
"All that means is you won't die until two weeks from now."
That's it for this session. Next time, we continue with the second half of the Death Race 3000!
RPGPundit
Currently smoking: Mastro de Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia
goodness? innocence? BILL?!?
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