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Monday, 24 February 2020

Cults of Chaos Flip-Through

In this video I show you the contents of the Cults of Chaos OSR sourcebook: a generator for near-infinite varieties of cultists, heretics, witches, sorcerers, heathens and other medieval-authentic villains for any D&D derived game!




Thursday, 20 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Don't Wear Pants of Speed in a Harem




In our last session, the PCs had found themselves in the City of the Pyramid, inside the dreaded testing chambers of the Black Pyramid, trying to search for the legendary Potion 21.

Now:

-Today is the 7th Anniversary of the DCC Campaign! That's somewhere over 175 sessions of DCC! As per tradition, Bill The Elf brought a rogel cake, which is basically concentrated diabetes; incredibly tasty, but you'd literally die if you eat more than one slice a year.



-"Wait, I wasn't here last session... what happened to Blake's nipples? Did he ever tell the story?"
"Yes, he did, but we're not going to tell you."
"You bastards!"

-The Sky-cleric had last been seen going into town with some of the catkid orphans, and he wakes up alone in a dingy room, mostly naked and chained to a bed.
"Do I feel anything in my ass?"
"No. In fact, you don't feel anything at all in your ass. You may have been given an anesthetic."
"Oh damn, that's worse!"

-The sky cleric gets free, and walks through an abandoned dingy building that is clearly some kind of den of sin.
"There's no one here?"
"Nope. You find your stuff after searching around."
"I go outside."
"The streets seem to be abandoned too, you're clearly in the slums outside of the Citadel. The sign above the door you just existed says 'human sex brothel'."
"I'm going to choose to believe that nothing happened in there, and no one will ever know."

-"I fly up a bit to take a look around."
"OK, when you fly up you notice first of all that much of the slums appear to be abandoned, either that or everyone is hiding indoors. The area for about 500 meters around the citadel itself is totally scorched, and you think you see some bits of bone there.  In the other direction, toward the periphery of the slums, you see many of the vehicles that were going to be used in the Death Race, they seem to have been just abandoned too. The race clearly never happened."
"What the hell is going on?"
"You see some movement, some people down below not far from you."
"I fly down."
"You see some catkids, maybe the ones who were with you before."
"Hey, you guys! I want to talk to you!"
"An interloper! Take him, for the Dark Queen!!"

-The Sky-Cleric flies off to try to avoid the catkids, only to have someone shooting at him from somewhere. He lands somewhere abandoned and contacts Roman with this tablet.
"Roman, can you tell me where my party is?"
"They went into the City of the Atheists. I literally can't contact them. I warned them not to go..."
"Why did they go then?"
"They're looking for Potion 21, which I told them to find..."




-"Can you do anything to help me with this?"
"I'll teleport you up here, but before I do, you need to know --- suddenly, there's a flash of light and you teleport away."
"I knew that would happen."

-The rest of the PCs are in the Black Pyramid, having entered a pocket plane that looked like a beach.
"OK, everyone split up and look around..."
"We search."
"You check out the area, suddenly you see a flash from the trees where Sami had gone to explore."
"We go over there."
"You see... the Sky-Cleric! Sami is nowhere to be seen, and he's standing next to a strange looking machine. The machine is labeled 'Substitution Activator', and the screen currently says 'recharging, 0%'."

-"Wait! Sami was with us, and now she's gone and the Sky-Cleric is here... I have a theory.. how come we've never seen Sami and the Sky-Cleric at the same time?!!"
"We have, lots of times!"
"Oh. Nevermind."

-"So the Sky-Cleric sees a hippie elf, a 3 inch tall pixie of some kind, a human boy, and Heidi."
"Are you guys a version of my party from an alternate universe?"

-"Where's Catboy?"
"This is him. He's Boyboy now."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Does this mean that The Man is now the Boyhunter?"

-"I check my tablet."
"No signal."
"I hope you're ready to be a warrior!"

-The PCs leave the beach, go through a hallway, and come out in an arabesque market town in the middle of a desert.
"Oh man... I hope there's..."
"Khlav Kalash!"
"Yes!"

-Heidi immediately buys an entire Khlav Khalash/Crab Juice cart.




-"What the hell is that giant floating eye over the town??"
"It is the Great Eye."
"Does it do something?"
"Yes. It punishes evil."
"Oh. Can we kill it?"

-"How does it work?"
"As soon as you commit a crime, the Eye floats down and says 'cease and desist' and then it disintegrates you."
"What if we just got the eye to commit a crime?"
"Paradox!"
"Yeah, then it would have to destroy itself."



-"Khlav Khalash!"
"No one answers."
"Khlav Khalash for sale!"
"No one cares."

-"So how do we leave here?"
"All around there is a desert. The desert nomads travel it. The only other way are the Veils."
"The veils?"
"Yes, in the town it is said there are five veils that go to the other world. But it is just a myth."
"It's not a myth. We came from one, over there at the end of that alley."
"Over there?"
"Yes."
"Excuse me..."
"I don't think he's coming back."

-"Free Khlav Khalash!"
"It's free?"
"OK, it's a hard bargain but you are clearly a very good businessman."
"We just came here through a veil."
"really?"
"yes, it's just over there."
"excuse me..."

-"We might be able to empty the whole city this way!"

-"Free Khlav Khalash and access to the veil!"
"You know where a veil is?"
"Yes."
"But to know where it is I need to eat the Khlav Khalash?"
"No, the veil is just over there. The Khlav Khalash is free though."
"Excuse me..."

-"A group of guys led by a dude in weird robes comes over."
"He is a priest of Zakoth!"
"You are blasphemers!"
"What's Zakoth going to do about it?"
"He will punish you for your blasphemy! We are the speaker of Zakoth! We are his arms and legs!"
"Is that his eye?"
"What? No, that's just the Great Eye of the bazaar. Zakoth is much more powerful!"

-"You are lying! The veil is a lie!"
"But the veil is right there!"
"No! There is nothing there!"
"These guys have arms and legs but no eyes..."
"That's Zakoth's eye up there!"
"Blasphemy!! That is not Zakoth's eye!"
"Then where's his eyes?"
"Zakoth has no eyes! He is omnipresent!"
"But then why does he have arms?"
"We are his arms!!"

-"Hey guys, should I poke the eye?"
"Sure, trans-warrior!"
"We could put C4 on the eye... but would that be a crime?"

-The PCs move away from the annoying religious fanatics and make their way to a caravanserai to spend the night. While there, they buy the freedom of all the harem girls.
"Masters, thank you!"
"No, we're not your masters, you're free now."
"But how can we repay you?"
"Well, help boyboy here get some, if you want."

-"Boyboy, roll a d20 to see how much you impress the half dozen harem girls you're spending the night with."
"Natural 1."
"You don't even manage to get your pants off."

-The rest of the PCs are sleeping split up in two different rooms. That night, deadly red oozes seep their way into both bedrooms as well as the harem room!
"The trans-warrior is on watch, and he made his perception check. He sees the red ooze moving into the room!"
"I shout to alert the cleric!"
"The cleric is asleep and your tiny chirping voice doesn't wake him."



-"Boyboy wakes up to screaming when he sees one of the harem girls is being smothered by the red ooze!"
"I grab my knife and stab the ooze!"
"You hit!"
"Finally Boyboy managed to penetrate something tonight!"

-"The dagger you used to stab the ooze corrodes!"
"But it's not metal, it's a wooden knife..."
"Wooden knife??"
"Well... it's actually a pointed stick."
"So you were just calling it a knife so people wouldn't make fun of you for fighting with a pointed stick?"
"Oh, Boyboy..."

-"Heidi, you woke up, hit the ooze attacking your room and killed it!"
"There must be more oozes attacking the others! I get up and immediately start putting on my armor."
"You know that will take like 10 rounds, right?"
"Yes."

-"Sky-cleric, the ooze is hitting you."
"I hit it with my mace!"
"You hit, but your mace corrodes."
"But it's magical!"
"It still corrodes. Now it's a +0 magical mace."

-"Now the sky-cleric has a -1 magical mace!"
"Damn it."

-"Heidi, punch straight through the wall!"
"You didn't need to tell me that, it was my plan all along!"
"No, not that wall! The other one!"

-"Heidi crashes right through the wall, Kool-aid Man style!"



-"At this point the cleric is more ooze than man!"
"If heidi slammed the ooze enveloping the Cleric into a wall, would that hurt the cleric too?"
"Yes."
"I do it anyways."

-"Boyboy hears Heidi crashing through the wall."
"Heidi's in danger! I put on my pants and head downstairs."
"The difference between Catboy and Boyboy is that Boyboy is socially obliged to wear pants."

-"What the hell happened?"
"They were Oozeassins!"

-"You guys stay here, I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"I have to check on the girls because they're tired after all the sex we had..."
"What's that stain in your pants, Boyboy?"
"..nothing.."
"He soiled the Pants of Speed!"
"It was a white ooze!"
"The lesson here is don't wear the Pants of Speed in a harem!"

-"Hey, we were attacked in our rooms by these oozes..."
"The servants of Zakoth!"
"Oh, so THEY are the eyes of Zakoth!"
"No, they're the ooze of Zakoth."
"Ewww..."

-The next morning, the PCs meet with a mystic who has a flying carpet. He tells them he can take them to any of the other "veils" that lead back to the pyramid.
"Can I have that carpet?"
"No, but you can buy it in the bazaar.."
"Holy shit! Shopping spree time!"



-The PCs buy a flying carpet, 82 healing potions, and a holo tv-projector.

-"Do you have anything else?"
"I have a magic amulet that can remove all sensations of regret."
"I WANT THAT!"
"BoyBoy beat Bill to it."
"Bill regrets nothing!"



-"Do you have anything that can restore the Trans-warrior to his own size?"
"I have this potion that will change your form, but it is entirely random."
"Do it!"
"You had me at random."

-"Drink it all!"
"The trans-warrior drinks it and turns... into a woman."
"Am I normal sized?"
"No. You're still 3 inches tall."
"The trans-warrior is tinkerbell now!"

-"Anything else?"
"Well... there is this Scroll of Resurrection."
"What??"
"It will raise the dead."
"But like, bring them back to life?"
"Presumably."

-"So we bought a scroll for 40000gp, but it might just make someone an undead."

-"Anything else?"
"I have... The Stuff."
"What the hell is The Stuff?"
"It is... the Stuff."

-Boyboy buys a debt-slave.
"So he's a bodyguard?"
"Well, he says he's a great fighter, and that he has a magic scimitar, but I've never seen him actually hit anything with that scimitar."
"Maybe they trained him wrong on purpose?"

-The PCs immediately free the slave, named Narfez.
"My name is Heidi. So would you like to go with us?"
"Where are you going?"
"We're going to go kill Zakoth."
"Where is he? Narfez will kill him for you!"
"He's like a god..."
"Narfez will join you in this worthy quest, and teach you many things!"



-The mystic leads the PCs to another veil, said to lead to the place "most taboo to the cult of Zakoth". They step through and enter a room with a gigantic gelatinous cube, along with some kind of priest and acolyte apparently offering it prayers!
"When you enter, the Priest turns in your direction, and the acolyte draws her weapon and rushes toward you all."
"Heidi will throw the trans-warrior right into the priest's eye!"
"What did you get on the deed die?"
"10!"
"The Trans-warrior slams right through the priest's eye, out the back of his exploding skull!"
"Yeah!"
"They he keeps flying and slams right into the gelatinous cube!"
"Oh."



-"Heidi will slice the cube in half!"
"OK, roll."
"Natural 20."
"You slice the giant cube right in half."

-"Narfez can't seem to hit with his sword to save his life."
"Oh?"
"Yes, literally. The acolyte just killed him."
"Damn. Easy come, easy go. Boyboy kills the acolyte with his railgun."

-Moving on from the cube room, the party reaches a room with what appear to be some cryotubes.
"Ancients?"
"Maybe. Watching over the tubes there's some dudes in what look like full black rubber outfits with gas masks."
"Weird."



-"We cautiously walk into the room."
"The rubber guys notice you and immediately start firing high powered darts at you!"
"They're just darts."
"Every dart automatically criticals."
"OH FUCK!"

-"The Trans-Warrior is dead!"
"What?"
"Yeah, my hit points were really low already."
"You guys just bought EIGHTY-TWO healing potions."
"Yeah, I forgot. My bad."

-"We use the Resurrection Scroll!"
"It works! With only two small side-effects: the Trans-Warrior loses 2 points of Stamina, and he's technically not alive."

-"So he's undead?"
"Yes."
"No, he's Trans-Alive!"

-"The Trans-warrior is a warrior and he's more fucked up by magical corruption than any wizard in the history of this 7 year long campaign..."
"He's a 3 inch tall undead woman now!"

-"Undead pixie women... there's probably a fetish about that."

-"I'm not dead, and I'm not alive... I'm more Neutral than ever!"
"They sent you to find the Neutral champion..."
"...and it was me!"



And with that bombshell, we end the session for today. Stay tuned next time to see the PCs undoubtedly causing many more disasters in the black pyramid!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Rhodesian + Image Latakia

Monday, 17 February 2020

The Old School Companion is a Silver Bestseller!

Yes, the Medieval-Authentic Old School Companion, the 266 page OSR sourcebook that compiles many of the "medieval-authentic" issues from the first half of the RPGPundit Presents run, has now hit Silver Bestseller on DTRPG!

This book, available in PDF or Print, is a big collection of material that is easy to plug into any OSR game (though especially good for gold-bestselling Lion & Dragon) including classes, medieval-authentic magic based on real medieval magic, easy domain management and mass-combat rules, detailed critical tables, a code of rules for clerics, advanced activities for successful PCs, details on court life and intrigues, medieval-authentic elves and fairy-lands, supernatural encounters, and more!

But if you want a detailed look at this beautiful book and what's in it, check out my video!



So, check it out, and don't miss out on purchasing the Old School Companion!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti half-volcano + Blue Boar

Friday, 7 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Catboy is now BoyBoy


In our last session, the PCs had made their way, with a big cast of NPCs, to the Sky-Shield, in preparation to participate in the Death Race 3001. Meanwhile, Bill was assaulted by a collective of psionics, who turned him into a lookalike of them (instead of a sexy blue elf chick). The PCs rescued him, but he still looks like a hairless weirdo with a visible brain-dome and no genitals; plus, the PCs forgot to pick up his stuff but by the time they came back for it everything had been looted.

Now:

-"So do we have all the stuff?"
"No, we're still missing the Funk Band, and the flamethrowers."
"This is the only shopping list with both of these."

-"Do you guys still have the Sunstaff?"
"We literally lost it five minutes ago."

-"I tell the street urchins about the Sunstaff."
"Will there be a reward?"
"Yes."
"Maybe we'll finally be able to buy our way into that orphanage we always dreamed of living in!"

-"I don't know if we can trust you anymore Catboy, you've changed."
"yeah, he sold out! He wears pants!"
"I didn't sell out, I grew up!"
"I remember when you swore you'd never wear pants!"

-"I think Catboy has just become a House-Cat now!"
"Take that back!"

-Suddenly, there's a flash of light, and Sami and Bob Loblaw the Law Blob appear!
"I got a message to represent Bill the Elf in a trial?"
"Oh my god.. it's Bob Loblaw!"
"The Law Blob!"
"Fuck you guys."

-"Hey Heidi, come with me."
"OK, Bill..."
"Turn around..."
"Bill I'm your really good friend, but I'm not that kind of friend!"

-"Bill is trying to polymorph himself back into his original form."
"OG Bill!"
"Hey, every time you cast Polymorph you destroy a tiny microscopic civilization, right?"
"Yes. I rolled it 10 times!"
"You aren't supposed to be proud of that!"
"You're just making Blob Loblaw's job harder!"

-"OK, now I look like I used to way back in the start of my adventures. I don't think anyone will even recognize me, Heidi."
"Gotcha... HEY EVERYONE! Just to clarify, this guy is Bill the Elf!"
"Damn it, Heidi!"

-"What are you even doing here, Sandi?"
"I'm here to win this stupid race, and then conquer the Sun. Duh!"



-Blob Loblaw agrees to represent Bill, after some negotiation.
"I just got 50% of his merchandising rights for life. You were right, Sami! Bill is a moron!"

-"So is Zeke Bodean dead, at least?"
"No, he's the Theocrat of Minotauria!"
"What? Oh for fuck's sake!"
"Yeah, he's basically the Pope!"

-The PCs try to get Sami to use Divine Aid to bring back stuff they've lost.
"Come on, Sami, try it!"
"OK, whatever... G.O.D., bring Zeke here."
"No, not Zeke, my sword!"
"Zeke suddenly appears in a flash."

-"My friends! This is an act of divine providence!"
"Huh?"
"Yes, I was just about to be executed, when there was a flash of divine light and I was brought here with you!"
"Sami screams into her helmet."

-"Why were you about to be executed, Zeke?"
"The Organization has taken over Minotauria!"
"What? What about Minocles?"
"He doesn't really realize it yet. He's been busy conquering all the islands off the southern continent for them."



-"Fuck this. I teleport Zeke back."
"The roll wouldn't be enough to get him all the way back."
"I don't care."
"OK, he disappears in a flash of light."

-"OK, so tomorrow you better ride in the battle tank, Sami. Space Bear wouldn't want you on the Superfly. He keeps peeking nervously out the window at you."
"I'm married!"
"That doesn't seem to stop you, ho!"
"Laquanda, you know I could just Bolt-From-The-Blue you.."
"Not before I could bolt my foot into your skinny ass!"

-"Laquanda and Sami are about to fight!"
"That's it, I'm gonna take you down, ho!"
"Laquanda no!"
"Hold me back baby!"
"Catboy holds Sami back!"
"Big Fat Merlin moves his handy scooter between the two: That's enough, stop it you two! We need to focus on the race!"
"I guess you're right..."
"Good job, Merlin."
"That's what a big fat road manager does."



-Sami summons back the Daemon-Killing Sword.
"Oh yes!"
"You know it's going to control you, Heidi."
"It's not going to make me do anything I wouldn't do anyways."

-"Unter, you said you worship the Lord of Blood and Fire.."
"Yah."
"No, Unter, Heidi will kill you!"
"I am not afraid."
"Heidi attacks... critical."
"Unter is decapitated in a single swing by Heidi."
"Ha! Unter's not going to Valhalla that way!"

-"suddenly there's a bright flash and you see the Trans-Warrior appears!"
"Lords of Neutrality?"
"Maybe."

-"Blob Loblaw.. I need to hire you."
"What for, Catboy?"
"I want to sue Sami.."
"My wife?"
"Yes. For possession of the Demon Heart."
"I don't think you can pay what I'd charge you for that."
"I can get you 50% of Heidi's Social Media Advertising Revenue."
"Deal!"

-"Honey, you have to understand, Heidi's social media is worth a fortune in Coolland!"
"Ugh. Fine. I'll give him the Demon Heart on ONE condition."

-"Sandi?"
"Yeah, Sami?"
"I want you to do something for me. I need you to shove this jar with a demon's heart up Catboy's ass."

-"Catboy, you're agreeing to this?"
"It's the only way I'll get the Demon Heart!"
"You realize it's going to totally destroy your ass, right?"
"He'll need a Cyborg Ass after this!"
"It's been a long time since we had a cyborg ass in the campaign!"
"I love that this is a campaign where there's already precedent for this."

-"Come on, Sandi!"
"No! Just leave me out of this. I'm only here to conquer the Sky-Shield!"
"Can you propose an alternative, Sami?"
"What if I get G.O.D. to do it?"
"Let me confer with my client."

-"G.O.D., shove this jar deep up Catboy's ass!"
"Natural 20."
"OH GOD!"



-"Dr. Roboto, scan Catboy."
"CATBOY DETECTS A FOREIGN OBJECT LODGED IN CATBOY'S LARGE INTESTINE"

-Catboy needs emergency surgery.
"Blitzkrieg, does the Superfly have a clinic?"
"Oh hell no. You ain't going on the Superfly with no demon heart up in your ass!"

-"I charm Heidi again."
"Roll a will save, Heidi?"
"I fail."
"OK, Bill has Heidi charmed for the next 3 weeks."



-"Trans-warrior, you notice that among the racers there's one guy in a totally neutral grey power armor."
"Hello."
"Yes."
"That looks like an average vehicle."
"It is moderately average..."
"What's your goal for this race?"
"There are 2000 participants. I hope to come in 1000.5th place."
"I don't think you can."
"Why?"
"Because that is my goal."
"Then my goal is to tie with you."

-"I get the sleep rune from Bill."
"Heidi closes his eyes! You can't trick me this time, Catboy. I have 8 INT now, I'm a genius!"

-"OK, while Heidi has his eyes closed he can't hear us. Bill, put Heidi to sleep."
"I keep my eyes closed... man I wish I could hear what they were talking about!"



-The Catboy, Heidi, and Bill go find a clinic in the slums.
"This is the best one."
"Dr. Crazy Louie's Chop Shop?"

-"So Dr. Crazy Louie, can you do nipple transplants?"
"We're here to get the Demon Jar out of Catboy's ass!"
"Nipple transplants, huh? That's a very difficult operation."
"Well, I have six toes on each foot. Maybe you could amputate one toe from each and graft them on as my nipples?"

-"Listen, for that medical robot you have, I'll trade you free nipple transplants and throw in a robot personal assistant."

-"Catboy wakes up with his belly shaved, a scar across it, and he's wearing a cone of shame."
"We also neutered you!"
"You did not!"
"No, but I wanted to freak you out."

-"The rumor is spreading that the race is actually a sham"
"Where did that start?"
"From the slum cats Catboy was talking to."
"God damn it, Catboy!"

-"I write a sign that says: 'the Race is a Sham', and on the other side says 'is what I would say if the race was a sham, which it is not'!"

-"An angry mob arrives, demanding answers."
"You guys should disperse!"
"Wait, before you disperse: if you worship a daemon, raise your hands!"
"NO! No one raise their hands!"



-"When my baby is born, it will be born in a bathing pool filled with the blood of my enemies!"
"Sami whispers: 'G.O.D., break her water...'"

-"Catboy's stomach hurts.. it feels like something is moving around in there..."
"I'm sure its just my imagination."

-"The trans-warrior and that grey-armored badass dude are fighting for no apparent reason!"

-The Trans-Warrior wins the fight!
"As the grey-armored warrior is dying, he says 'take half of my possessions'."

-The mob of contestants and many of the people in the slums march angrily toward the citadel, abandoning the race.
"Do we still race?"
"Hell yes!"

-"Can we even still race? Are there any other contestants?"
"The trans-warrior just killed the last one!"
"So I guess we win the Death Race 3001!"

-"Maybe some of the other contestants will change their minds and come back?"
"You hear gunfire coming from the area of the citadel, and then see the massive energy beam from the citadel fire and burn all around the perimeter of the building."
"I don't think they're coming back."



-"I summon the Lords of Neutrality."
"Did you find us a champion?"
"Yes."
"Where is he?"
"Dead. He failed the test of the Arrow of Neutrality."
"The arrow of neutrality's effects are completely random."
"Yes."
"So it is the best method."

-"Alright. Our turn to conquer the Sky-shield!"
"Sandi, you can't fight them. They're powerful psychics!"
"I'll damn well try!"
"Wait... what if we try to convince the Wardens to help you conquer the Sky-Shield?"
"Eh... fine, I guess!"

-The PCs manage to get into the Citadel, with some help from Roman.
"Wardens, we need you to find out what's going in the Sun."
"You want us to contact the Sun to alert them of your impending arrival?"
"No! We don't want them to know we're coming, we just want to have a clue what happened there."
"Yeah, the last time we were there, there was... an incident."

-The Wardens, being frantic about the secret of their death-race fraud being out, nervously agree to help Sandi with platinum pieces so she can raise an army to conquer the sky-shield, in exchange for her sending annual tribute of the best adventurers to the Citadel.
"OK, so you're set up here. We're going to go on to the Sun."
"Is there any reason I should conquer the Sun too?"
"Not really."
"Hmm.. I guess I'll wait a few years, then."

-"What are you going to name your daughter, Sandi?"
"I told you, she'll get a name after her first kill!"



-Sandi, Chariss, Big Fat Merlin, Blitzkrieg, Laquanda, Space Bear and Blake all stay behind.
"Well, see you around, Chariss."
"Just remember: they're all going to laugh at you!"
"Well, we went from way too many NPCs to none at all!"
"Well, Blob Loblaw..."

-The PCs go into the sun.
"Everything is grubby and messed up."
"I cast Mend on the Sun!"
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"OK, roll..."
"Natural 24!"
"Well shit; OK, you mend the entire sun!"

-The PCs encounter Republican Jesus, who's pretty surprised to see them.
"What the hell happened?"
"When y'all slinked off, Krishnan had a huge fight with all the Jesuses."
"So, who's left?"
"Just me, Chubby Jesus and Anglican Jesus."
"Not Korean Jesus?!"
"No, he didn't make it. That's why this place was such a wreck, he was the only one who got stuff done around here."
"The other Jesuses don't help?"
"Nah; Chubby Jesus just snacks, and Anglican Jesus doesn't do a damn thing at all."



-"Is Vizi alright?"
"Yeah, he's good. The Hydroponics Lab was pretty much the only thing left working around here before y'all got back."

-"What about Anema??"
"She ain't here. She took off with Krishnan."

-"Chubby Jesus is in the mess hall, eating bread and wine."
"Want some? It used to be water! I can also make some fishes if you like..."



-"Where's Anglican Jesus?"
"I dunno. He's probably either tending to his flower garden, or having another fit of philosophical angst about whether he really exists or not."

-"Anglican Jesus is dressed in robes that look like they're from a BBC historical drama."
"Oh, hello.. terribly sorry; I was just tending my roses and questioning if I do anything of meaning in the world."
"Can you do miracles?"
"What? Oh, no, quite sorry, I don't really believe in the supernatural."

-Deciding to move on, the PCs teleport to Wisconsin; having to leave the Sunstaff behind to open the gate.
"You get to Gary's basement."
"I run over to his table, roll a die and say 'hi Gary it's.. good to see you'!"

-Gary agrees to teleport the party to the City of the Atheists, but there's a problem.
"The teleporter security protocols says one of you kids are corrupted."
"Is it Blob Lowblaw?"
"I'm not corrupted!"
"I'm corrupt, but not corrupted..."

-"It looks like it's the catboy."
"OK, fair enough. I got the doctor to take out his appendix instead of the demon heart. It's still inside him."
"Son of a bitch!"
"Hey, I know how to solve this!"
"You do?"
"Yes, let's all go to the City of the Atheists without Catboy!"

-Everyone leaves without Catboy, so Catboy goes to the Wisconsin Church in the hopes of getting the immortal spirits of worthy clerics to try to get the Demon Heart out of him.
"Can you remove this demon heart from me?"
"We'll have to see..."
"Oh, I'm also a lycanthrope."
"I see. So we'll remove that too..."
"Can't you just replace it with some kind of cool lycanthropy?"

-"Hey, could you give me an angel heart?"
"We don't have one, but even if we did I'm quite sure you're too evil to survive it."

-Meanwhile, the other PCs have arrived in what looks like an infinite city of pyramids, with no signs of life.
"Hey wait..."
"What?"
"I was just thinking... Roman said Zargon told him about Potion 21, right?"
"Yes?"
"And Blitzkrieg said that according to legend it was the ultimate love potion?"
"yeah?"
"So I think Zargon's just trying to have sex with Roman!"



-"hey guys..."
"What, Sami?"
"I think that my cleric powers don't work  here."
"I guess because it's the City of the ATHEISTS?"

-"Blob, honey.. if we have to, let's eat the trans-warrior first."
"You got it honey!  psst... trans-warrior, I'll represent you if you like."

-"Catboy, the clerics all pray around you, and then the demon heart bursts out of your chest!"
"Oh shit!"
"They keep praying, and you don't feel like a lycanthrope anymore."
"We are removing all his impurities!"
"Huh?"
"You're about to turn into either a cat, or a boy!"
"There's a 50/50 chance."

-"Catboy is now BoyBoy!"

-"That might complicate things for The Man!"
"Does that mean that all the Holy Clerics just colluded with the Sky-Nazis?"
"Surely Clerics have never collaborated with nazis before!"

-BoyBoy tries to run away with the Heart, but the clerics paralyze him and take it.
"You can't keep it. We will put it in our vault."
"But I took a bottle in the ass for that!"

-"At this point I know my life is a comedy."
"Chariss was right, they're ALL going to laugh at you!"



-"At least BoyBoy's Charisma is 17!"
"That just means BoyBoy is a twink!"

-The group in the City of the Pyramids reaches one of the tallest pyramids and finds a chamber at the top. Inside, there are little piles of dust around a magic circle. When the characters enter, those piles of dust turn into robed figures!
"We are the Immortals. How have you arrived here?"
"Oh, they said 'arrived' not 'come', they know Adventurer Grammar!"
"We were adventurers like you, once!"
"What happened to you?"
"We completed the Path of Immortality."
"How do you do that?"
"There are four paths, I sense that you are only Level 9. You will learn of the four paths to Immortality when you become level 10."



-"Are you daemons?"
"That is another path. We chose the Path of Freedom."
"So the paths are like the political compass??"

-Catboy goes back to Gary's house, but finds out that Gary had failed to mention that he has no way to teleport people back from the City of the Atheists. So he asks Gary to send him to the Crown of Creation instead. He gets to the pearly gates and meets it's guardian, Teddy Roosevelt.
"Well hello there young lad, who are you?"
"Fuck it.. my name's Kile. I'm a human now."

-"Lol! BoyBoy is trying to go undercover."
"Don't call me BoyBoy. It's Kile now, with an i!"
"Really? Of all the names in creation you chose that one?"
"Yes."
"You deserve what you get."



-"Wow, I just realized: Heidi is now the only mutant in this party."
"Even more ironic: the only mutant wields a super powerful sword that hates mutants."

-BoyBoy gets teleported to where the PCs were, and then they all get told that Potion 21 can be found in the Black Pyramid of Trial. It is extremely dangerous and almost impossible to find. Of course, the PCs ask to be teleported there.
"Do we have a plan?"
"We'll just randomly wander around."
"That sometimes works."
"It works 30% of the time!"

-The PCs come into a room with a sinister looking wizard making some sigils on the wall, while a crazy-looking human sits in an oversized birdcage beside him.
"Do you serve a daemon?"
"No."
"OK, then this is just too weird, let's move on."

-The PCs reach an area where three psychics are sitting around a black box, apparently gripped in a telepathic war. A fourth psychic lies long-dead, seemingly suggesting that they've been there for a very long time.
"I'll kill one!"
"OK, roll a save."
"17."
"OK, you feel weird but then it passes."
"I'll kill this other one!"
"OK, Trans-warrior, roll a save."
"I fail."
"You shrink down to 3 inches in height."

-The characters reach an entrance blocked by a barrier of pure darkness.
"Jeez, too bad that in spite of having once had it, no one bothered to learn Advanced Magic Missile so we could shoot it at the darkness!"
"How do you know that, person who claims not to be Catboy?"
"I know you know, you fucker!"

-The party goes into a room that has some kind of pocket plane of a deserted island. They fight a giant crab, and find a book.
"What book is it?"
"The cover says BOLT-0's Pharmacopeia."
"Figures."

The party ends there, on the beach for now, as they continue in their quest for Potion 21!
A special shout-out to Sami's player, who had left the country but took time off their visit back to game with us.
Stay tuned next time for more questing madness!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

Monday, 3 February 2020

RPG SJWs Demand YOU Pay Them a "Living Wage"

All this past week, SJWs on D&D Twitter have been DEMANDING that they must be paid a "living wage", presumably paid by YOU, for their making games no one likes or videos no one watches or just tweeting 'diversity'.
There IS a way to make a living wage with RPGs... but probably not for SJWs.
Check it out: