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Sunday, 16 June 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Check Bill's Ass With My X-Ray Vision

In our last session, the PCs had made their way into the Deep Neutral Zone, in search of the Door of 16 Gates (for more info about this location, check out RPGPundit Presents #25: The Door of 16 Gates), where they hoped to find Queen Priscilla and the missing Grey-Realms Power Ring.


-Flying around, Heidi finds the cave entering the Door of 16 Gates.
"I don't remember how many shots it was to give the signal..."
"You don't?"
"Nope, so I'm just going to fire 1d4 shots. It's a 4 so I shoot four times."

-"What's that? It's more shots than we'd agreed to?"
"Heidi must be in danger!"

-"Damn it Heidi, don't you know how to count?"
"Yeah, I just found it four times!"
"He really found it!"

-"You know, somehow, The Man has been tracking us..."
"Could it be this communicator I use to speak with Jal'udin?"
"From the last time we were here, I had marked this particular room as 'really bad', so I'm going to open it and throw the communicator in there."

-"What if it wasn't the communicator, though? Maybe it was a probe?"
"I check Bill's ass with my x-ray vision."
"You have x-ray vision? How?"
"From my Ring of X-Ray Vision."
"Oh. Checks out!"

-"This is a really fucked up world we live in, where probing is at the forefront of medical technology."
"Even to track you!"
"This is really appropriate given that we're in front of a door with a Black Mirror."

-"Is there a probe in my ass??"
"No, but you should eat more fiber."

-"There is something in the Sky-Mexican's ass."
"A probe?"
"No, its too small. It seems more like a microchip."
"He needs surgery. Heidi draws his sword!"
"No!! It's OK, Heidi, we can destroy it."
"OK, go ahead Catboy. And hopefully you'll destroy the chip at the same time."

-"What do I think it is?"
"Well, it might be some kind of ID tag."
"Is it dangerous?"
"It doesn't have any active components, so I'd guess no."
"Can you destroy it with your sonic tool?"
"Well, I could, but not in any way I'd want to."

-"How deep is it?"
"Not very, but deep enough."

-"Check my ass next."
"OK, Heidi."
"Damn it, guys. You're going to make me write like a page of the Campaign Report just about Catboy checking all your asses!"
"You might not like how it looks, but this is the campaign at peak performance!"

-"Sami leaves us and one session later we're checking out each other's asses."

-"I miss the innocent days of the campaign where we were firing dolphins out of cannons."

-Catboy scans the wizard and then backs up quickly.
"Guys, I think the Catboy found something in the wizard's ass."
"And it's not just colorectal cancer!"

-"He might have a dirty bomb!"
"In his ass?"

-"When will we get to the epic part? Minocles grows tired of the ass part!"

-After Catboy carefully defuses the probe in the wizard's ass, the party proceeds to open the Door of 16 Gates to the last location where Sami had once thrown Priscilla into.
"As soon as you open the door, a group of vikings swarm you guys!"
"For the Dark Queen!"
"Oh shit, do you think they mean Priscilla?"

-"Can we see past the door?"
"Yes, you see stunning mountains, verdant valleys, a golden castle in the distance, and Priscilla's head carved into a mountain-side."

-"The Sky-mexican takes 10 points of damage!"
"These ancient sky-nazis are trying to kill a modern sky-nazi!"

-The party wipes out all but one of the vikings, with Heidi taking control of the last one with his ring of human control. They head toward the golden castle.
"You see the castle is full of very attractive and powerful-looking people."
"Who are they?"
"They are the lords and ladies of the royal family, the Guardians of the High Realms."
"So, asgardians?"
"We could have used some ass-guardians earlier in this session."

-"Catboy, are you dead yet?"
"Let me know when you're dead."
"Minocles also wants to know when you are dead so he can avenge you!"
"Heidi and Minocles have a lot of similarities."
"Heidi may have found his soulmate!"

-At the great hall, the king of the High Realms is on his throne, and next to him, as his queen, is Priscilla, dressed up as an opera-Valkyrie.
"Oh no not these assholes again!"
"Are these the ones who brought you here, my queen?"
"Hey, that was Sami not us, and we kicked her off the team!"
"Yeah, because she was a complete ho!"
"Yeah, she was a ho! And you know she told me she had gonorrhea!"
"And Chlamydia! I know because she was sweating all the time."

-"I finally have something I needed for a long time: respect! And also, this boob armor!"

-"Wait, are you guys saying you're on an epic quest?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"To collect these rings?"
"So you could say it is a... ring saga?"
"Then we must join them, my queen!"

-"I'm thinking these people were just put here by some Ancient to rehearse a Wagnerian Opera and this is what 1000 years of that does to you."

-"We've already established that the Ancients were really fucked up."

-"What is your name, your majesty?"
"...And you're also a Jarl?"
"So... Jarl the Jarl?"
Yes, or Jarl Jarl."

-"Send your lamest party member to tell the vikings guarding the Door not to close it."

-"So who is the greatest fighter among you?"
"The Jarl's son, Donar."
"I will spar with Donar, but if I defeat him I will want him to join us on our quest."
"That will not likely be possible because our father will want him at his side in the wars to come."
"But if I defeat him?"
"Then our father will probably want you at his side in the wars to come!"

-"I was sent here to tell you keep the Door open... or was it to close it?"
"Well, which was it?"
"Um.. close it!"

-"Oh, Zeke, Bill is 'Bill Salamander' now. Priscilla can't know he's Bill the Elf."
"My friend, I've been down that road before. It never works!"

-"What are you doing here!?"
"I brought Zeke back."
"And the door?"
"I closed it. Like you said!"
"I said to leave it open!"
"What if Bill fucks up his Planar Step? We could be stuck here forever!"
"Well, what if something came through the door??"
"That was a risk I was willing for Zeke to take!"

-"Aw, don't worry Roman, Bill won't fail!"
"Yeah, when have I ever failed?"
"All the time!"

-"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Do you always have to say that?"

-"I was only following orders!"
"he really is a Sky-Nazi!"

-"Guys, it turns out that making a planar gate is too hard!"
"OK, so what do we do now?"
"We just rest up here for a week and then Planar Step ourselves away."
"Yeah, I mean now we know Priscilla doesn't have the ring."
"Good point."
"So, you magnificent bastards are just going to defraud and betray the High Realms people?"

-"I'm going to try to seduce that valkyrie girl."
"Ok, what do you say to her?"
"...I hate Priscilla too..."
"I don't know what you mean?"
"It's obvious you hate her.."
"Let's talk in the courtyard..."
"What have you to say, creature?"
"My name's Catboy."
"I am Brunhilde."

-"Guy, we could take Priscilla somewhere to save these people from her."
"Into one of the other gates of the door?"
"Yes, but not where we put the pendant because The Man might go there."
"Could you imagine if The Man and Priscilla teamed up?"

-Bill finally levels up and he gets Emirkol's Entropic Maelstrom, Polymorph and Magic Bulwark.
"I'm super powerful now!"
"I think Magic Bulwark is kind of crappy for such a high level spell."

-"The Mutant Wizard casts Find Familiar, and ends up getting a rat named Brigitte, who now wants him to be her 'man' and is 'sexy'."
"Is that really on the Familiars table?"

-The party works out a plan to get themselves and Priscilla out of here and leave the Vikings behind.
"Can't we take Brunhilde too?"
"Forget about the girl, Catboy."
"But she makes my peepee hard!"
"I propose a side quest: we neuter the catboy."

-"Your majesty we are working on the extraplanar gate, but we need an extraplanar creature to help us open it, it's the only way!"
"Oh shit, we're fucked then! Goddamn it!!"
"But.. Queen Priscilla... you're an extraplanar creature!"
"Oh. I get it! But wait, is this some kind of sex ritual?"
"No, nothing like that."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, Priscilla, we're absolutely sure."
"Totally sure it can't be some kind of magical sex orgy?"

-"From now on, the wizard is going to be known as the Ratfucker Wizard."
"Obviously, yes."

-"So you are ready now for the ritual?"
"Yes... oh wait.. we forgot we need a material sacrifice to make the Gate ritual happen!"
"What kind of material sacrifice?"
"We'll need you to bring us piles of coins and gems."
"Very well!"
"I can't believe this is working!"

-"This treasure you brought us might not be enough, Jarl."
"No, Heidi, it's just fine!"
"No no! If there is any risk at all that it might not be enough, please let us give you more of our treasure!"
"I'm almost feeling bad for these people."

-"You know, after all this, if you gave us your crown that would definitely be enough."
"Well, it's the most valuable sign of my people and mark of my rule, but very well!"

-The party Planar Steps out of the viking-land, along with Priscilla, ending up back on the other side of the Door of 16 gates.
"What the fuck just happened??"
"Quick, push Priscilla into some hellhole!"
"No, we might still need her."

-The party all go through the door into the exit leading to Arkhome. Only the level it leads to now appears to be abandoned.
"I guess things have not gone well for people in this city since the last time we were here."

-Suddenly, while the party is debating what to do next, a bunch of zombies approach!

-"Bill fucked off!"
"I'm flying out of the way of the zombies."
"Don't fear, my friends, I'll use my Holy Water Sprinkler of Maldibriah!"
"I like how Zeke makes up all these creative names!"
"I don't make them up, they're from the Holy Scriptures!"
"Sure, Zeke."

-During the fight with the zombies, Priscilla inflates her head and starts floating away.
"Fuck all you guys....!"

-"Heidi is hit with a critical, and suffers a necrotic wound that requires a DC10 fort save each day or he loses 1d4 stamina, plus he can't naturally heal."
"Shit! For how long does that last?"
"Until it's magically cured."
"Oh shit!"
"Well, the sky-cleric is going to need to drink that Jesus Juice we had."

-The party catches up to Priscilla.
"I think your Bill IS Bill the Elf!"
"Well duh."
"Bill you son of a bitch!"
"Hey, you know how it is."

-"Bill puts Priscilla to sleep with the Sleep Rune."
"Can we kill her now?"

-"Should we close the Door of 16 Gates on this end?"
"Yeah, we don't want zombies going through into the deep neutral zone."
"Yeah! I visit the Neutral Zone all the time, every time I cast Magic Missile. It's my happy place!"

-While trying to cast a spell, Bill spellburns and is required to swear an oath to Sezrekhan. He forgets that Heidi is there.
"Does Heidi hear that?"
"Yes, I guess."
"Does that trigger a new save?"
"Natural 20."
"Oh shit, you're no longer Charmed by Bill! Now the Sword wants you to kill."
"So Heidi is no longer a puppet of Bill, just a puppet of his sword."

-Heidi and Bill are about to try to kill each other (which, at their level, would likely come down to whichever of them won initiative), but Catboy makes use of the Sleep Rune he pickpocketed from Bill and stops the fight.
"We have to destroy the sword."
"But Heidi loves the sword!"
"Yes, but as long as he has it he'll try to kill me."
"If you destroy the sword, Heidi will kill you anyways."
"Well then, I have nine Fire Spears that can take care of that."

-Bill decides to cast Charm Person, to re-charm Heidi, but ends up getting a high enough result that he can force the entire party to save versus charm. Most of them fail (except for Roman, the Catboy and Minocles).
"...Did you just try to Charm everyone?"
"Bill would never do such a thing!"
"I don't know if that's the Charm spell talking or just Zeke's inherent idiocy."

-The party finally manages to Planar Step from Arkhome back to their ship, where the hurricane is still going on.
"Well, the ship seems mostly safe. Also, it's nearly entirely buried under sand."

And on that terrible disappointment, we ended the session. Stay tuned next time to see if the party will work better or far far worse now that most of them are Charmed to think Bill is a great guy!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Alpha + Image Latakia

Wild West Campaign: The Last Ride Pt.2

When we'd left off, the PCs had snuck back into Arizona (along with Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, Bat & Jim Masterson, Texas Jack Vermillion, and Frank Loving), in spite of being wanted there, to stop a last-gasp attempt by some of the remaining Cowboy leadership to reform.

They rode out toward the Chandler Ranch, where they know that Zwing Hunt and Billy Grounds, two of the four would-be new leaders were found, to plan to kill them.

The plan was to shoot them when they were riding out of the Ranch, rather than confront them in the Ranch where their ally and all his hands would be there to fight.  Unfortunately, the ranch had no really easy spots from which to prepare an ambush where they'd be able to see the men coming in time and yet not be spotted themselves.  So Bat Masterson came up with a plan. He'd stay in the hills behind the ranch-house, keeping an eye, while the rest of Earp's Immortals would head out further down the trail the two Cowboys would need to take to get to the Cowboy pow-wow. When he sees them, Masterson will make an indian-style signal fire in the hills, to the Cowboy's backs so they won't be likely to see it (and if they did would probably just think it was some Apaches). When the rest of the Adjudicators saw the smoke from the fire, they'd know it was time to ready the ambush.

The plan worked, though Hunt & Grounds came accompanied by four other Cowboys. Half the party were on a dune firing with rifle, while Wyatt, Doc, Jim Masterson and Crazy Miller would ride out to surround the Cowboys and finish them off.   The ambush came off without a hitch, except that Zwing Hunt made a run for it which gave them quite a long chase (Billy Grounds, in turn, had his head blown off by Kid Taylor in the very first volley). Zwing rode hard, but even though he was quite a ways ahead, Crazy Miller and Wyatt (both on horseback, Earp with a pistol and Crazy with a rifle) tried to shoot at him, as did Other Miller, who was on a dune with a rifle from a very far distance. Crazy shot first, with a rifle, while hard riding. He nicked Zwing in the back, but his own shot knocked Crazy off his horse and gave him a nasty sprain in his elbow.
Wyatt shot next and shot at Zwing's horse, throwing him down.
Then Other Miller shot, and mowed Zwing down.

Their first job done, they took one of the red sashes from a dead Cowboy, and headed to the gulch where the Cowboy Pow-Wow was going to take place.

Their plan was to wait until such time as the remaining two Cowboy leaders: a scotsman named Mackenzie and a southerner named "Dixie" Dick, would be sure to be present. This required a couple of days of laying very low in the hills near the gulch. Then they'd get Frank Loving, the only member of the Adjudicators who was certain not to be recognized by the Cowboys, to come riding into the gulch on the other side, dressed in the Cowboy sash, crying out in panic that the US Marshals were coming!

When the Cowboys heard this, they would flee in the direction of the Hills. There, Earp and the rest of his Immortals would be waiting there and would ambush them, paying particular care to shoot the two remaining leaders.

The plan went off quite well; Doc Holliday killed Mackenzie in the very first shot. Then Other Miller only managed to graze Dixie Dick, but Wyatt Earp shot Dick's horse through the neck, causing Dick to fall to the ground. He was trampled by some of the other panicked Cowboys (who believed it was the Marshal's posse firing on them), and then Other Miller managed to kill him off.

The Immortals fell back and rode away before the Cowboys could get smart to them, and started heading back to Colorado. When they were very close to the border, they ran into a posse of Marshals who quickly gave them chase. The Players noted that this was the very first time they used the Aces & Eights 'chase rules' as the people being chased, rather than the chasers!

The posse was on their heels, when Bat Masterson's horse got slowed down. He wasn't actually on the warrant since he'd not been in Arizona for the first part of the Earp Vendetta Ride, so he told the others to keep going and stayed behind to face the posse, no doubt planning to use his famous gift of gab to keep them busy.

Some of the Adjudicators were concerned, would Bat be alright? But his brother Jim said "knowing him, he'll talk his way out of it and take the train back to Trinidad getting there before we do."

Indeed, the PCs crossed the border and made their way back to Trinidad, only to find that Bat was already waiting for them, having arrived by train from Tuscon.

The team celebrated in Masterson's bar. It was the effective end of the Cowboys as any kind of real organized criminal force, and Wyatt Earp decided this was enough vengeance for him. He planned to head back toward California to see his family. Kid Taylor would be going with him, as his wife and child were waiting there in Virgil Earp's care.

Crazy Miller was planning to go off and buy a ranch somewhere. Jim and Bat had their respective lawman jobs in Colorado and would be sticking around. Texas Jack didn't rightly know what he'd do just yet, and Frank Loving decided to go with Jim to Pueblo.

The party was breaking up. It seemed like the end of an era.  On the train West, Wyatt and Kid Taylor stopped off in San Francisco, only to find that Wyatt's love Sadie Marcus was there, playing a show. They went to see her at her hotel on a rainswept night. Wyatt offers himself up to Sadie, confessing that his vendetta ride has cost him everything. He has no money, nothing to offer her.

She says "Wyatt... my family's rich."

The two kiss and dance and swear they'll live a life of adventure and room service together.

Kid Taylor finds it all a bit disgusting and heads off to find his wife (since Wyatt decides to forget his family and go off with Sadie to her next stop).

Meanwhile, Other miller was planning to go back home to see his family, pick up his wife and then go start a simple life as a businessman somewhere. He figured Dodge City would be a good choice, since that city was still interesting but had calmed down and was no longer a violence-prone town.

Next Adventure: The Dodge City War!


Currently Smoking: Moretti Rhodesian + Argento Latakia

Friday, 14 June 2019

Ancient Complexes Of the Ancients!

Very very long ago, the Ancients ruled and managed the world. Then the Great Disaster happened and they were gone.  But in some isolated places, mostly deep underground, some of their old living quarters, science bases, military complexes and other structures survived. Some sealed, some open, some mostly intact, some in ruins, many filled with terrible dangers from the ancient past, or from the present that have moved in. But also, the promise of incredible treasures of a super-technological age.

In RPGPundit Presents #81: Ancient Complexes of The Ancients, you get a guide to generating random high-tech ruins leftover from the Ancients. Random tables generate the complex's purpose, form, size, and the contents of its rooms (with dangers and treasures). Who knows what your players will find: a pyramid of skulls, skeletons, mold, mutated insects, Lizardman primitives, Brain Eaters, toxic gas, robot guards, Transmit stations, or even an Ancient in stasis.

You get everything you need to create a high-tech weird super-science/fantasy dungeon of variable size with just a quick series of rolls (or picks) from a variety of tables. Suitable for use with any OSR D&D-variant game, or with some slight adjustments with any other game you prefer.

You can buy this 34-page supplement for just $2.99! Pick up Ancient Complexes of the Ancients at DTRPG, or from the Precis Intermedia Webstore.

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #68: The Cult of the Saints (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

RPGPundit Presents #69: The Path of Trees (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #72: The Cymri Davey (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

Thursday, 13 June 2019

RPGPundit Reviews: Creature Feature Quarterly Vol.1

Here's my latest video, where I review the OSR mini-monster-manual Creature Feature Quarterly (the first of a series of products, with some pretty interesting art and unusual monsters):


Currently Smoking: Neerup Hawkbill + Image Virginia

Monday, 10 June 2019

Inappropriate Characters Livestream

Here's the latest episode of Inappropriate Characters!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Egg + Image Virginia

Saturday, 8 June 2019

Inappropriate Characters LIVE Tomorrow!

This Sunday (June 9th) at 7:30PM CST, join me, Venger Satanis and Grimjim for another episode of Inappropriate Characters (the Demonetization Special)!

We'll be talking about all the latest news and controversies in the D&D, OSR and TTRPG hobby!

So be sure to join us.


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

Monday, 3 June 2019

The Ridiculousness of the SJW Anti-OSR "Sworddream" Movement

The bumbling SJWS attack Old School D&D, calling for the destruction of the OSR and the birth of a new "woke" design movement called Sworddream ... with HILARIOUS results. I couldn't stop laughing!

Check out the story behind 'soydream' and how it took them less than 12 hours to start attacking each other and basically making fools of themselves!

Plus, watch me make an Asian-style noodle soup! 


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia