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Friday 28 June 2019

D&D Supports LGBT; SJWs Demand Firings Anyways

No matter how Woke you try to be, it'll never be enough.


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Shell Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

Tuesday 25 June 2019

DCC Campaign Update: Everyone is Cockblocking Everyone

In our last session, the PCs had escaped the viking pocket dimension, taking Priscilla with them, and eventually made it back to their UFO in the desert near the Blue Elves' island. Unfortunately, the massive storm that the Feather Fall Wizard had cast is still raging and the UFO is partly buried in the sands.


-"The Feather Fall Wizard and the Trans Warrior aren't coming today."
"Well, that's it, they're never going to come again!"

-"The Feather Fall Wizard and his Sexy Rat familiar go into the utility closet, demanding not to be disturbed because he and his rat 'must bond'."

-"I forgot that Heidi had a necrotic injury."
"Good thing Catboy was there to remind the GM, huh?"

-"I hope finding a cure doesn't involve probing."
"Oh, I'm sure it'll involve probing."

-"The Grey Aliens are so advanced that they have no need of physical probing."
"They've reached the limits of what anal probing could teach them!"

-"Can the medilab restore my missing nipple?"
"No, you'll never be whole again."

-Priscilla was charmed by Bill.
"Bill, you're so dreamy!"
"I know."
"To think all these years you were longing for me and I was just ignoring you!"

-"Also, you're so handsome! You're a hotty!"
"Yeah, I've got a lot of big loving."
"You're so manly!"
"I have an alpha belly."
"You're festively plump!"

-"This is my moment to mention, I killed Troy..."

-"That son of a bitch Catboy killed Troy! Kill him, Bill!"
"What? No way."
"But see, I like you, like a lot... and so you have to do shit for me.."
"Yeah, I'm totally in love with you Bill so you have to do things for me."
"No, you have to do things for me!"
"No, see, I love you so you have to do what I say and kill the Catboy!"

-"He killed Troy!"
"But you like me, don't you?"
"Sure, and if you had killed Troy that would be totally epic drama! But instead the Catboy killed him and ruined everything!"

-"Priscilla is so fucked up that even being Charmed by Bill doesn't help!"

-"Hey Priscilla, look at this... I show her the Sleep Rune."

-"Bill is going to try to polymorph himself into a hot Blue Elf girl."
"But I want it to be permanent."
"You'd need to roll really high."
"OK, so I'm going for a natural 20 or natural 1."
"Why don't you spellburn?"

-"Every time bill casts polymorph it destroys an entire microscopic civilization."
"He just tried casting it six times in a row. That's six genocides in under a minute!"

-Bill gets a natural 1 and gets polymorphed into a rat.
"shit, how long is that for?"
"Well... permanently, unless changed back by magic."
"oh shit."

-"Catboy, let's go talk in the other room."
"Are you going to talk about helping bill?"
"Um, sure, Sky-Cleric."
"Can I come?"
"No, you  have a very important job: hold on to Bill the Rat. Don't let him get lost, OK?"
"OK! I have an important job!"
"Charmed imbecile..."
"Be careful, it's a really important job. Don't let go of him no matter how much he bites you."
"I won't!"

-"OK, now that we've kept them busy: should we kill Bill?"

-"I'll fly the ship out."
"It's a Grey Realms ship, that doesn't do well in an atmosphere or around electrical conditions, and we're in the lower atmosphere in the middle of a massive thunderstorm. Do you really think you can do this without killing us all?"
"I've got Luck."
"So you're just going frantically tap random buttons?"
"like a cat hitting a keyboard!"

-"We're going to go up to the Sun, to try to help Bill, and to try to communicate from there with the Blue Elves."
"Yeah, and the Cleric can suck Jesus' cock for power!"
"But it might help Bill, you could use divine aid to restore him, don't you want that?"
"Nein, I will not taste the holy sausage!"

"Never tell me the odds!"

-"So far, our near-destruction by the storm has been the most epic event of this entire quest. I am not pleased by this."
"Sorry, Minocles."

-"Hey, is Bill an obese rat?"

-Surviving the storm, the team take the ship into to transplanar drive, and get to Wisconsin, where they meet Gary again to take them to the Sun.
"Hey, I'm.. *rolls* glad to see you again!"
"I wonder if he's ever not glad?"

-"You know what's funny, Bill? With a natural 20 you still wouldn't have been permanently transformed. Your bonuses aren't high enough."
"Oh well, I guess I don't know my own magic."
"You're a 9th level wizard!"
"No, I'm a 9th level Bill."

-They get to the Sun and Roman & Catboy go to Korean Jesus to try to get him to help them with Bill the Rat.
"Bill is working with Sezrekhan."
"Yeah, I know Bill is a bad man. You always used to justify it before."

-Meanwhile, Vizi and RJ are in the hydroponics lab.
"My friends, I have to admit I don't care much for Republican Jesus... he has a stupid accent."
"Seriously, Zeke?!"

-"You here about Anema, Catboy? Because she's over you, dude."
"No, this is nothing about Anema... wait, she is?"
"Yeah man. New boyfriend."
"New boyfriend??"

-"Never mind. RJ, this is actually about you. We need you to give something to the Sky-Cleric."
"Stop trying to get me to drink RJ's fluids!"
"That's probably going to be the title for this session."

-"Hey, where's Sami?"
"She left."
"She left?"
"Yeah. New boyfriend."
"New boyfriend?"
"Ah, so the tables have turned."

-"We want you to make a... donation.. for the Cleric."
"Hey man, I don't go that way. I mean, I got no problem with Twinks for Trump, but its just not my thing, man."

-"I need you to uncharm everyone but Heidi."
"Hehe, you said 'Butt Heidi'."

-"Zeke I hereby uncharm you in the name of the Lord... shababala abupeta sabalabalaba JEEZUS!"
"What's he doing?"
"Speaking in tongues."
"Are you OK now, Zeke?"
"I feel fine, my friend. I felt fine before."
"How do you feel about Bill?"
"Bill is my closest friend and brother in the Lord."
"Damn it, I can't tell if he's still charmed or just being Zeke."

-The party gets to pick up supplies from RJ's armory vault.
"Minocles takes 2 Automatic Rifles, and a bandoleer of grenades, and a wicked-looking serrated knife."

-Catboy can't resist, and goes to see Anema.
"Who's the guy, Anema?? Who are you with now? I just want to know. I don't want to kill him or anything... maybe just shoot him."

-Anema finally opens the door.
"Fine, he's a cleric if you have to know."
"A cleric? That's not your type! He's just using you for your celestial power because clerics can't cast spells anymore."
"No! He's a real bad boy cleric. He hates G.O.D. and everything, his name is Zabaz!"
"Oh god, it's that guy! The pissed off cleric from Coolland!"

-"But can we just stay friends?"
"You're not going to. I know you!"
"No, really I totally could. I bet you I wouldn't have sex with you right now if you tried!"
"Yes you would look.. wait, no!"
"Damn, so close."

-"We'll take the Sunstaff."
"Why? You don't even have a wizard now, and the Sunstaff is vital! It's much too important to risk being with you guys!"

-Roman finally manages to communicate with the Blue Elves, and is put on the line with Krishnan, ruler of the Blue Elves.
"Can you prove to me that you really are an Ancient?"
"Well, for starters, we're in the Sun!"
"A Jesus could vouch for me."
"Very well..."
"This is Republican Jesus speaking, and I can confirm that this Roman is really an Ancient and not just.."
"Stop right there, Cowboy!"

-"I will teleport to the Sun, to see with my own eyes. And I warn you that if I see corruption I will slay all before me!"
"Well, um, you'll definitely see corruption but we're not the bad kind of corrupt!"

-"He sounds like a warrior. I wonder if he could truly defeat Minocles."
"Well, 60 normal blue elves were able to defeat me."

-Krishnan teleports to the sun. He looks like a gloriously handsome blue elf warrior.
"So, which of you is the Ancient?"
"You don't look like what I expected."
"And which of you is the Jesus?"
"Over here."
"You also don't look like what I expected."
"Well, life can be disappointing."

-"Where is the Spirit of the Sun? I would speak to her."
"Oh man, if you were disappointed before..."

-"The spirit of the sun used to be my girlfriend, so I'll go get her.."
"The poor elf dude is being super disappointed."

"I'm not going to sleep with you, Catboy."
"No, it's not that. There's a guy who wants to see you."
"Actually, a blue elf."
" he badass?"
"...hold on."
"Hehe.. I'm totally going to be the rebound guy."

-"So um, does your king have some kind of girlfriend?"
"The Blue Elf King has 1000 concubines."
"Yes, my lady, but none as beautiful as you."
"Hey, stop that! We have to go save the universe!"
"Is your kingdom nice?"
"Dwaraka is the greatest nation in the material plane, my lady."
"Just give us the ring"
"Stop cockblocking him, Catboy."
"He is so cockblocking me!"
"Everyone is cockblocking everyone!"
"Yeah, the Sky-Cleric is cockblocking Jesus!"

-"I wonder if you could use any of Jesus' bodily fluids..."
"I'll take some blood please, put it in this jar."

-"Bill turned himself into a rat."
"Yeah, what a disaster."
"I hope he gets better soon."
"You do?"
"Because he's your best friend?"
"Damn it, the uncharming didn't work."

-"This happened to Bill because he was weak."
"He didn't kill Heidi."
"Wait, you're not blaming this on insisting on betting all your future on rolling a 20 before rolling a 1, but on not killing Heidi?"
"Well, not just Heidi."
"So, because Bill didn't kill the whole party?"
"Honestly? Yeah."

-"We have traced the last ring for you: it is found on the 512th level of the Realm of Blood & Fire."

-"Hey blue elves? Anema sends a message to Krishnan from us."
"She says she doesn't want to see or talk to him again. She doesn't want to see him again, or for him to message  her."

-"Is the Realm of Blood and Fire all fire?"
"No, there's also a lot of blood."

-Knowing the way to the last ring, the party no longer needs Priscilla.
"What should we do with her?"
"I know! Let's teleport her back to the Grey Realm!"
"Yeah, that way its full circle for her."

-"Roman, what was the point of the Realm of Blood & Fire?"
"Well, I think a daemon AI created it to act as a linking communication bridge between the realm of Blood and the realm of Fire."
"Oh, obviously."
"So was it created by some angsty Ancient?"
"I think it was created by the same guy that did Azi Dahaka."
"Dude had issues."

-"Dudes, the realm of blood & fire is like a huge dungeon of 666 levels."
"Why would anyone do that?"
"Some people like huge dungeons."

-"The highest levels of the realm are filled with monsters, mostly demons. The middle levels are known as the Fire Lands, and are very similar to the Fire Realm.  The lowest levels are known as the Palace of Blood and look like a high-tech base."
"Wait, what?"
"they don't look like a palace of blood?"
"Why not?"
"I don't know, I think maybe another designer took over at the end and did his own thing."

-"We have to get to level 522!"
"Remember that number!"

-"Thanks for the info, Gary!"
"Good luck! Excelsior!!"
"Hey, that's what Stan Lee says!"
"He's probably around here somewhere too."

-The PCs arrive in the material plane, and set down by the demon temple where the Gate to the Realm of Blood & Fire is located.
"The Demon Temple is even more ruined than the last time you saw it..."
"Wait, Bill had cast mend on it!"
"Oh, OK, in that case the Demon Temple looks really pristine!"

-"Some motherfucker keeps resetting the pentagram that summons that really awful monster."
"The motherfucker in question is probably Bill..."
"A common theme in the campaign."

-The PCs enter the Realm of Blood & Fire, and encounter some hideous Blood Blobs.
"I'm going to use some of this Jesus blood to teleport us to 512!!"

-"Time to use the Potato Dagger!"
"The hit on the blood blob creates a potato, but it looks like a blood clot."

-Heidi flies ahead and finds a room with 5 exits, and 9 blood zombies. He heads back to report.
"What was there?"
"Some blood zombies I want to kill."
"How many?"
"How many exits?"
"Heidi really doesn't know how to count."

-"You said there were only 3 blood zombies!"

-"Are blood zombies alive?"
"No, those are Sezrekhan zombies."

-"The treasure hall includes 500 smithplium pieces!"
"They've even gotten here?!"

-The party finally reaches level 512, after mistakenly teleporting to a nearby level, and find a pedestal, a standard of the Lord of Blood & Fire, and on the pedestal a small chest.  There's also a dozen elite archdemons.
"We have been waiting for you, Bill the Elf. We knew you would come."
"He's not here."
"Bill the Elf isn't here."
"Bill's dead."
"Well, he's not really dead, but he's out of action for the long term."
"We tried to restore him but it didn't work."
"But we have been ordered to slay Bill the Elf by our Lord!"
"Your lord is a pussy!"

-"Bring us Bill!"
"No, fight us instead!"
"Yeah, unless you're a chicken!"
"I do the chicken dance from Arrested Development at them!"

-"Wait.. just one moment."
"What's he doing?"
"He seems to be taking hold of a couple of weapons, sir."
"They're automatic rifles."
"Are the demons doing anything?"
"No, they're just watching..."
"I empty both clips."

-"You've managed to seriously injure all of the demons."
"For my second action, I fire my bazooka."

-"Most of the demons are dead, but the commander is still alive..."
"Vizi fires his minigun."
"You hit."
"I do 121 points of damage."
"OK, the commander is dead."
"Oh yeah!"

-"The box has two traps (1 blood, 1 fire). And it has the ring."
"Catboy disables both traps, and writes 'I'm Catabra, fuck you' inside the box."
"Also write Bill Was Here!"
"No! The Age of Bill is over!"
"Yeah, but it will piss them off!"
"...OK, fine! I also write Bill Was Here..."

-"I do the Fortnite dance over the corpses!"

-The cleric tries to teleport the party out, but he runs out of Jesus-blood and fails.
"That's what happens when you try to trust a Lutheran!"

-"What if we stay here and farm some XP?"
"There is good XP here... there's also demons that give you lethal blood poisoning when they hit you."
"Good point."

-"Can Roman use his sonic tool to fix the Cleric?"
"You can't do the impossible."

-"Well, guys, we're on level 644, and we're going to have to walk our way out from here."

And on that bombshell, the session ended. The party now has all 5 power rings! However, before they can save creation they're going to need to survive 22 levels of the Realm of Blood & Fire. Will they make it, or find some way to fuck everything up on the verge of victory? Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Crown Cutty + C&D's Crowley's Best

Friday 21 June 2019

100 Strange Town & Village Features

Ever wanted a big random table full of entries that give a touch of flavor to the villages, towns, and small cities your PCs might pass through on their journeys?
Ever wanted it to be based on real medieval history and folklore?

Well, have I got a treat for you! RPGPundit Presents #82: 100 Strange Features of Towns & Villages is exactly that: unusual local customs, odd local holidays, architectural features, local legends, strange happenings, curious characteristics of villagers, weird laws or traditions, and much more!

Some of these entries can form the basis of adventure seeds. Others are just flavoring for you to help make one town or village look and feel unique, different from all the other towns or villages PCs might pass through. Entries range from a sentence to a small paragraph.
You can read through and pick the one you like, or roll it randomly. There's even a 101st entry in case you get a repeat!

You can pick 100 Strange Features of Towns & Villages from DTRPG, or from the Precis Intermedia Webstore, either way for just $1.99!

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #68: The Cult of the Saints (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

RPGPundit Presents #69: The Path of Trees (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #72: The Cymri Davey (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

Thursday 20 June 2019

New Video: SJWs are Liars, the D&D Hobby Always Welcomed Everyone

From the birth of the hobby there were women, LGBT people and people of color playing D&D. But if you believed some recent blogs and articles (including one in The Mary Sue), the D&D hobby was the domain of evil White Supremacist Straight  Male Privileged Jocks until Current Year, when suddenly it became safe for women and LGBT people.

That's a complete lie, and here's  my breakdown of it.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Volcano + C&D's Morning Drive

Sunday 16 June 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Check Bill's Ass With My X-Ray Vision

In our last session, the PCs had made their way into the Deep Neutral Zone, in search of the Door of 16 Gates (for more info about this location, check out RPGPundit Presents #25: The Door of 16 Gates), where they hoped to find Queen Priscilla and the missing Grey-Realms Power Ring.


-Flying around, Heidi finds the cave entering the Door of 16 Gates.
"I don't remember how many shots it was to give the signal..."
"You don't?"
"Nope, so I'm just going to fire 1d4 shots. It's a 4 so I shoot four times."

-"What's that? It's more shots than we'd agreed to?"
"Heidi must be in danger!"

-"Damn it Heidi, don't you know how to count?"
"Yeah, I just found it four times!"
"He really found it!"

-"You know, somehow, The Man has been tracking us..."
"Could it be this communicator I use to speak with Jal'udin?"
"From the last time we were here, I had marked this particular room as 'really bad', so I'm going to open it and throw the communicator in there."

-"What if it wasn't the communicator, though? Maybe it was a probe?"
"I check Bill's ass with my x-ray vision."
"You have x-ray vision? How?"
"From my Ring of X-Ray Vision."
"Oh. Checks out!"

-"This is a really fucked up world we live in, where probing is at the forefront of medical technology."
"Even to track you!"
"This is really appropriate given that we're in front of a door with a Black Mirror."

-"Is there a probe in my ass??"
"No, but you should eat more fiber."

-"There is something in the Sky-Mexican's ass."
"A probe?"
"No, its too small. It seems more like a microchip."
"He needs surgery. Heidi draws his sword!"
"No!! It's OK, Heidi, we can destroy it."
"OK, go ahead Catboy. And hopefully you'll destroy the chip at the same time."

-"What do I think it is?"
"Well, it might be some kind of ID tag."
"Is it dangerous?"
"It doesn't have any active components, so I'd guess no."
"Can you destroy it with your sonic tool?"
"Well, I could, but not in any way I'd want to."

-"How deep is it?"
"Not very, but deep enough."

-"Check my ass next."
"OK, Heidi."
"Damn it, guys. You're going to make me write like a page of the Campaign Report just about Catboy checking all your asses!"
"You might not like how it looks, but this is the campaign at peak performance!"

-"Sami leaves us and one session later we're checking out each other's asses."

-"I miss the innocent days of the campaign where we were firing dolphins out of cannons."

-Catboy scans the wizard and then backs up quickly.
"Guys, I think the Catboy found something in the wizard's ass."
"And it's not just colorectal cancer!"

-"He might have a dirty bomb!"
"In his ass?"

-"When will we get to the epic part? Minocles grows tired of the ass part!"

-After Catboy carefully defuses the probe in the wizard's ass, the party proceeds to open the Door of 16 Gates to the last location where Sami had once thrown Priscilla into.
"As soon as you open the door, a group of vikings swarm you guys!"
"For the Dark Queen!"
"Oh shit, do you think they mean Priscilla?"

-"Can we see past the door?"
"Yes, you see stunning mountains, verdant valleys, a golden castle in the distance, and Priscilla's head carved into a mountain-side."

-"The Sky-mexican takes 10 points of damage!"
"These ancient sky-nazis are trying to kill a modern sky-nazi!"

-The party wipes out all but one of the vikings, with Heidi taking control of the last one with his ring of human control. They head toward the golden castle.
"You see the castle is full of very attractive and powerful-looking people."
"Who are they?"
"They are the lords and ladies of the royal family, the Guardians of the High Realms."
"So, asgardians?"
"We could have used some ass-guardians earlier in this session."

-"Catboy, are you dead yet?"
"Let me know when you're dead."
"Minocles also wants to know when you are dead so he can avenge you!"
"Heidi and Minocles have a lot of similarities."
"Heidi may have found his soulmate!"

-At the great hall, the king of the High Realms is on his throne, and next to him, as his queen, is Priscilla, dressed up as an opera-Valkyrie.
"Oh no not these assholes again!"
"Are these the ones who brought you here, my queen?"
"Hey, that was Sami not us, and we kicked her off the team!"
"Yeah, because she was a complete ho!"
"Yeah, she was a ho! And you know she told me she had gonorrhea!"
"And Chlamydia! I know because she was sweating all the time."

-"I finally have something I needed for a long time: respect! And also, this boob armor!"

-"Wait, are you guys saying you're on an epic quest?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"To collect these rings?"
"So you could say it is a... ring saga?"
"Then we must join them, my queen!"

-"I'm thinking these people were just put here by some Ancient to rehearse a Wagnerian Opera and this is what 1000 years of that does to you."

-"We've already established that the Ancients were really fucked up."

-"What is your name, your majesty?"
"...And you're also a Jarl?"
"So... Jarl the Jarl?"
Yes, or Jarl Jarl."

-"Send your lamest party member to tell the vikings guarding the Door not to close it."

-"So who is the greatest fighter among you?"
"The Jarl's son, Donar."
"I will spar with Donar, but if I defeat him I will want him to join us on our quest."
"That will not likely be possible because our father will want him at his side in the wars to come."
"But if I defeat him?"
"Then our father will probably want you at his side in the wars to come!"

-"I was sent here to tell you keep the Door open... or was it to close it?"
"Well, which was it?"
"Um.. close it!"

-"Oh, Zeke, Bill is 'Bill Salamander' now. Priscilla can't know he's Bill the Elf."
"My friend, I've been down that road before. It never works!"

-"What are you doing here!?"
"I brought Zeke back."
"And the door?"
"I closed it. Like you said!"
"I said to leave it open!"
"What if Bill fucks up his Planar Step? We could be stuck here forever!"
"Well, what if something came through the door??"
"That was a risk I was willing for Zeke to take!"

-"Aw, don't worry Roman, Bill won't fail!"
"Yeah, when have I ever failed?"
"All the time!"

-"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Do you always have to say that?"

-"I was only following orders!"
"he really is a Sky-Nazi!"

-"Guys, it turns out that making a planar gate is too hard!"
"OK, so what do we do now?"
"We just rest up here for a week and then Planar Step ourselves away."
"Yeah, I mean now we know Priscilla doesn't have the ring."
"Good point."
"So, you magnificent bastards are just going to defraud and betray the High Realms people?"

-"I'm going to try to seduce that valkyrie girl."
"Ok, what do you say to her?"
"...I hate Priscilla too..."
"I don't know what you mean?"
"It's obvious you hate her.."
"Let's talk in the courtyard..."
"What have you to say, creature?"
"My name's Catboy."
"I am Brunhilde."

-"Guy, we could take Priscilla somewhere to save these people from her."
"Into one of the other gates of the door?"
"Yes, but not where we put the pendant because The Man might go there."
"Could you imagine if The Man and Priscilla teamed up?"

-Bill finally levels up and he gets Emirkol's Entropic Maelstrom, Polymorph and Magic Bulwark.
"I'm super powerful now!"
"I think Magic Bulwark is kind of crappy for such a high level spell."

-"The Mutant Wizard casts Find Familiar, and ends up getting a rat named Brigitte, who now wants him to be her 'man' and is 'sexy'."
"Is that really on the Familiars table?"

-The party works out a plan to get themselves and Priscilla out of here and leave the Vikings behind.
"Can't we take Brunhilde too?"
"Forget about the girl, Catboy."
"But she makes my peepee hard!"
"I propose a side quest: we neuter the catboy."

-"Your majesty we are working on the extraplanar gate, but we need an extraplanar creature to help us open it, it's the only way!"
"Oh shit, we're fucked then! Goddamn it!!"
"But.. Queen Priscilla... you're an extraplanar creature!"
"Oh. I get it! But wait, is this some kind of sex ritual?"
"No, nothing like that."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, Priscilla, we're absolutely sure."
"Totally sure it can't be some kind of magical sex orgy?"

-"From now on, the wizard is going to be known as the Ratfucker Wizard."
"Obviously, yes."

-"So you are ready now for the ritual?"
"Yes... oh wait.. we forgot we need a material sacrifice to make the Gate ritual happen!"
"What kind of material sacrifice?"
"We'll need you to bring us piles of coins and gems."
"Very well!"
"I can't believe this is working!"

-"This treasure you brought us might not be enough, Jarl."
"No, Heidi, it's just fine!"
"No no! If there is any risk at all that it might not be enough, please let us give you more of our treasure!"
"I'm almost feeling bad for these people."

-"You know, after all this, if you gave us your crown that would definitely be enough."
"Well, it's the most valuable sign of my people and mark of my rule, but very well!"

-The party Planar Steps out of the viking-land, along with Priscilla, ending up back on the other side of the Door of 16 gates.
"What the fuck just happened??"
"Quick, push Priscilla into some hellhole!"
"No, we might still need her."

-The party all go through the door into the exit leading to Arkhome. Only the level it leads to now appears to be abandoned.
"I guess things have not gone well for people in this city since the last time we were here."

-Suddenly, while the party is debating what to do next, a bunch of zombies approach!

-"Bill fucked off!"
"I'm flying out of the way of the zombies."
"Don't fear, my friends, I'll use my Holy Water Sprinkler of Maldibriah!"
"I like how Zeke makes up all these creative names!"
"I don't make them up, they're from the Holy Scriptures!"
"Sure, Zeke."

-During the fight with the zombies, Priscilla inflates her head and starts floating away.
"Fuck all you guys....!"

-"Heidi is hit with a critical, and suffers a necrotic wound that requires a DC10 fort save each day or he loses 1d4 stamina, plus he can't naturally heal."
"Shit! For how long does that last?"
"Until it's magically cured."
"Oh shit!"
"Well, the sky-cleric is going to need to drink that Jesus Juice we had."

-The party catches up to Priscilla.
"I think your Bill IS Bill the Elf!"
"Well duh."
"Bill you son of a bitch!"
"Hey, you know how it is."

-"Bill puts Priscilla to sleep with the Sleep Rune."
"Can we kill her now?"

-"Should we close the Door of 16 Gates on this end?"
"Yeah, we don't want zombies going through into the deep neutral zone."
"Yeah! I visit the Neutral Zone all the time, every time I cast Magic Missile. It's my happy place!"

-While trying to cast a spell, Bill spellburns and is required to swear an oath to Sezrekhan. He forgets that Heidi is there.
"Does Heidi hear that?"
"Yes, I guess."
"Does that trigger a new save?"
"Natural 20."
"Oh shit, you're no longer Charmed by Bill! Now the Sword wants you to kill."
"So Heidi is no longer a puppet of Bill, just a puppet of his sword."

-Heidi and Bill are about to try to kill each other (which, at their level, would likely come down to whichever of them won initiative), but Catboy makes use of the Sleep Rune he pickpocketed from Bill and stops the fight.
"We have to destroy the sword."
"But Heidi loves the sword!"
"Yes, but as long as he has it he'll try to kill me."
"If you destroy the sword, Heidi will kill you anyways."
"Well then, I have nine Fire Spears that can take care of that."

-Bill decides to cast Charm Person, to re-charm Heidi, but ends up getting a high enough result that he can force the entire party to save versus charm. Most of them fail (except for Roman, the Catboy and Minocles).
"...Did you just try to Charm everyone?"
"Bill would never do such a thing!"
"I don't know if that's the Charm spell talking or just Zeke's inherent idiocy."

-The party finally manages to Planar Step from Arkhome back to their ship, where the hurricane is still going on.
"Well, the ship seems mostly safe. Also, it's nearly entirely buried under sand."

And on that terrible disappointment, we ended the session. Stay tuned next time to see if the party will work better or far far worse now that most of them are Charmed to think Bill is a great guy!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Alpha + Image Latakia

Wild West Campaign: The Last Ride Pt.2

When we'd left off, the PCs had snuck back into Arizona (along with Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, Bat & Jim Masterson, Texas Jack Vermillion, and Frank Loving), in spite of being wanted there, to stop a last-gasp attempt by some of the remaining Cowboy leadership to reform.

They rode out toward the Chandler Ranch, where they know that Zwing Hunt and Billy Grounds, two of the four would-be new leaders were found, to plan to kill them.

The plan was to shoot them when they were riding out of the Ranch, rather than confront them in the Ranch where their ally and all his hands would be there to fight.  Unfortunately, the ranch had no really easy spots from which to prepare an ambush where they'd be able to see the men coming in time and yet not be spotted themselves.  So Bat Masterson came up with a plan. He'd stay in the hills behind the ranch-house, keeping an eye, while the rest of Earp's Immortals would head out further down the trail the two Cowboys would need to take to get to the Cowboy pow-wow. When he sees them, Masterson will make an indian-style signal fire in the hills, to the Cowboy's backs so they won't be likely to see it (and if they did would probably just think it was some Apaches). When the rest of the Adjudicators saw the smoke from the fire, they'd know it was time to ready the ambush.

The plan worked, though Hunt & Grounds came accompanied by four other Cowboys. Half the party were on a dune firing with rifle, while Wyatt, Doc, Jim Masterson and Crazy Miller would ride out to surround the Cowboys and finish them off.   The ambush came off without a hitch, except that Zwing Hunt made a run for it which gave them quite a long chase (Billy Grounds, in turn, had his head blown off by Kid Taylor in the very first volley). Zwing rode hard, but even though he was quite a ways ahead, Crazy Miller and Wyatt (both on horseback, Earp with a pistol and Crazy with a rifle) tried to shoot at him, as did Other Miller, who was on a dune with a rifle from a very far distance. Crazy shot first, with a rifle, while hard riding. He nicked Zwing in the back, but his own shot knocked Crazy off his horse and gave him a nasty sprain in his elbow.
Wyatt shot next and shot at Zwing's horse, throwing him down.
Then Other Miller shot, and mowed Zwing down.

Their first job done, they took one of the red sashes from a dead Cowboy, and headed to the gulch where the Cowboy Pow-Wow was going to take place.

Their plan was to wait until such time as the remaining two Cowboy leaders: a scotsman named Mackenzie and a southerner named "Dixie" Dick, would be sure to be present. This required a couple of days of laying very low in the hills near the gulch. Then they'd get Frank Loving, the only member of the Adjudicators who was certain not to be recognized by the Cowboys, to come riding into the gulch on the other side, dressed in the Cowboy sash, crying out in panic that the US Marshals were coming!

When the Cowboys heard this, they would flee in the direction of the Hills. There, Earp and the rest of his Immortals would be waiting there and would ambush them, paying particular care to shoot the two remaining leaders.

The plan went off quite well; Doc Holliday killed Mackenzie in the very first shot. Then Other Miller only managed to graze Dixie Dick, but Wyatt Earp shot Dick's horse through the neck, causing Dick to fall to the ground. He was trampled by some of the other panicked Cowboys (who believed it was the Marshal's posse firing on them), and then Other Miller managed to kill him off.

The Immortals fell back and rode away before the Cowboys could get smart to them, and started heading back to Colorado. When they were very close to the border, they ran into a posse of Marshals who quickly gave them chase. The Players noted that this was the very first time they used the Aces & Eights 'chase rules' as the people being chased, rather than the chasers!

The posse was on their heels, when Bat Masterson's horse got slowed down. He wasn't actually on the warrant since he'd not been in Arizona for the first part of the Earp Vendetta Ride, so he told the others to keep going and stayed behind to face the posse, no doubt planning to use his famous gift of gab to keep them busy.

Some of the Adjudicators were concerned, would Bat be alright? But his brother Jim said "knowing him, he'll talk his way out of it and take the train back to Trinidad getting there before we do."

Indeed, the PCs crossed the border and made their way back to Trinidad, only to find that Bat was already waiting for them, having arrived by train from Tuscon.

The team celebrated in Masterson's bar. It was the effective end of the Cowboys as any kind of real organized criminal force, and Wyatt Earp decided this was enough vengeance for him. He planned to head back toward California to see his family. Kid Taylor would be going with him, as his wife and child were waiting there in Virgil Earp's care.

Crazy Miller was planning to go off and buy a ranch somewhere. Jim and Bat had their respective lawman jobs in Colorado and would be sticking around. Texas Jack didn't rightly know what he'd do just yet, and Frank Loving decided to go with Jim to Pueblo.

The party was breaking up. It seemed like the end of an era.  On the train West, Wyatt and Kid Taylor stopped off in San Francisco, only to find that Wyatt's love Sadie Marcus was there, playing a show. They went to see her at her hotel on a rainswept night. Wyatt offers himself up to Sadie, confessing that his vendetta ride has cost him everything. He has no money, nothing to offer her.

She says "Wyatt... my family's rich."

The two kiss and dance and swear they'll live a life of adventure and room service together.

Kid Taylor finds it all a bit disgusting and heads off to find his wife (since Wyatt decides to forget his family and go off with Sadie to her next stop).

Meanwhile, Other miller was planning to go back home to see his family, pick up his wife and then go start a simple life as a businessman somewhere. He figured Dodge City would be a good choice, since that city was still interesting but had calmed down and was no longer a violence-prone town.

Next Adventure: The Dodge City War!


Currently Smoking: Moretti Rhodesian + Argento Latakia

Friday 14 June 2019

Ancient Complexes Of the Ancients!

Very very long ago, the Ancients ruled and managed the world. Then the Great Disaster happened and they were gone.  But in some isolated places, mostly deep underground, some of their old living quarters, science bases, military complexes and other structures survived. Some sealed, some open, some mostly intact, some in ruins, many filled with terrible dangers from the ancient past, or from the present that have moved in. But also, the promise of incredible treasures of a super-technological age.

In RPGPundit Presents #81: Ancient Complexes of The Ancients, you get a guide to generating random high-tech ruins leftover from the Ancients. Random tables generate the complex's purpose, form, size, and the contents of its rooms (with dangers and treasures). Who knows what your players will find: a pyramid of skulls, skeletons, mold, mutated insects, Lizardman primitives, Brain Eaters, toxic gas, robot guards, Transmit stations, or even an Ancient in stasis.

You get everything you need to create a high-tech weird super-science/fantasy dungeon of variable size with just a quick series of rolls (or picks) from a variety of tables. Suitable for use with any OSR D&D-variant game, or with some slight adjustments with any other game you prefer.

You can buy this 34-page supplement for just $2.99! Pick up Ancient Complexes of the Ancients at DTRPG, or from the Precis Intermedia Webstore.

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #68: The Cult of the Saints (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

RPGPundit Presents #69: The Path of Trees (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #72: The Cymri Davey (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia