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Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Lords of Olympus Campaign Session #3!

Today, once again, a play report from the third session of our Lords of Olympus campaign, which is written not by me but by one of my players (who has taken on doing play reports as a means for bonus points).  So here it is:

On the Hadean Road:
Ralph and Paneb were following Roman, as Ralph was contacted mentally by a strange womanly spirit.She told him to keep quiet about her, and he obeyed.
Paneb, desperate to get answers from Roman, grabbed him by the neck and tried to force him to answer; but when Ralph came to try to separate them, a huge mental energy surged from the mysterious womanly spirit to both Paneb and Roman, and they got knocked unconscious.
The spirit told Ralph to take Paneb and Roman and move to an indicated place, but should he find danger, he should prioritize his life at all costs.
Following the orders, Ralph used his Elementalism to form a wall of earth and escaped with both Paneb s and Roman s unconscious bodies from the attack of multiple Shadow Demons.
Knowing the wall wouldn’t last long, he left the Hadean road, falling to an unknown earth s subway.
There, a talking dog with a Jamaican accent named Bob Shoggoth guided him through a crowded city, telling him he would take Ralph to the Great Lady. After a few awkward cab rides with talking dogs, Ralph found himself amongst many of this "Great Lady"'s disciples, who seemed rather jealous that the Lady decided to tall to Ralph directly. They made a magical ritual in an asphalt crossroad, and Ralph, after a rather trippy experience, got transported to the Underworld to meet the Great Lady Witch, Hecate, Goddess of Magic.
It turns out that Hecate planned for this all along. Knowing Hades would likely try to kill Paneb anonymously before becoming immortal (He likes his sons better when he can control their undead bodies), she decided to have Ralph " Rescue" Paneb from the attacks of the Shadow Demons, bringing him to the Hadean court, where Hades would be unable to kill him without Persephone, his wife, knowing about it, and he would be forced to grant Ralph the boon of immortality for his "valiant rescue" of the Hadean son.
And so he did.As Ralph and Paneb were presented to the loyal husband and socially awkward Hades, he granted both the boon of Immortality. Paneb discovered that while he was in fact Hades's son , he was not Persephone's. He was conceived in a previous relationship, before Hades's marriage. Even then, Persephone didn't seem to mind, receiving Paneb with open arms.
On the flip side, this left Paneb wondering who his real mother was. Asking Hades, he used his mental powers to read through Paneb's memories. He was born from a mortal mother named Julia, who Hades described as something of a 'witch' and that last he heard she was living in some kind of feminist commune.

Thankful for the information, Paneb tried convincing Hades that he should be the one to question the captured Roman to discover who he worker for, but Hecate, telling Hades that Roman had magical mind barriers that were even hard for her to decipher, convinced him that Paneb should stay put. Both Paneb and Ralph therefore decided to stay with Hecate and study magic directly from her. As Ralph was told of the incredible powers of Primordial Magic, he decided to start training with Hecate to unleash his own power of Metamorphosis, something that is required to tap into the power of the primordials. While Paneb was left wondering what he should do next, knowing Hecate would do as much as he could to have him stay in the underworld.

On Atlantis.

As Arrit and Seagoat (Briareus) arrived to Atlantis, they found out that Poseidon was not there, and had allegedly gone away to do “some nonsense”. They therefore met with Amphitrite, the Queen and ruler of Atlantis, as she had been left in charge since Poseidon parted on an adventure. Amphitrite, a lesser known Goddess, is a very frustrated woman, constantly complaining about his husband’s infidelities. As Sea Goat convinced Amphitrite of letting Arrit stay protected on Atlantis while they figured out who her parents were, Arrit asked if Amphitrite was constantly being cheated on by his husband. This led to Amphitrite getting highly offended, hysterically screaming that even the most wild and uncivilized girls didn’t knew about her, but surely knew about Poseidon’s infidelities. As Briareus told Arrit “She done fucked it up”, they planned on having her apologize to the queen. Meanwhile, Arrit was rather worried with just getting some fish from the palace for her tank, even though some of the fish were food, some other citizens, and some other straight up government employees.
Meanwhile, Elon, Guillermo, Fito and Brontes arrived in their Tesla submarine to be confronted by Triton and an army of Merman. Triton revealed that Elon was likely working for the rebellious god Dionysus, who desired to change the entirety of Olympian society, and that they would not allow them to get close to Arrit, but Brontes, on the other hand, having been a long term friend of Triton, and having made his own trident, asked for an audience with queen Amphitrite as a favor for his past deeds, so the team was allowed to see the Queen.
They arrived just in time, Arrit was talking with Amphitrite and had managed to convince her to forgive her, and Amphitrite had even taken a liking for Arrit, finding her to be this poor, also suffering woman, just like her, who instead of having a terrible husband, had drugged and runaway parents and was in dire need of education in proper manners and a loving home; but Elon tried convincing Arrit otherwise, telling her that she had to make a choice. While Arrit was more inclined towards staying in Atlantis as “she would have all the fish she wanted”, she was worried sick about Fluffly, Elon’s genetically modified cat.
As Fito tried making a comment, Aphitrite noticed him, and she started screaming as she seemed to think that Fito looked just like Poseidon, and that this was the last straw. The group started running, and the undecided Arrit, taking some fish with her, decided that Amphitrite was too crazy for her taste (and that she missed Fluffy too much), so she escaped with Elon , Brontes, Guillermo and Fito, leaving Amphitrtie and Briareus behind, to the Queen’s repeated displeasure.
When they got to the submarine and escaped, they found out that some of the fish that Arrit took with her were actually messenger fish, which carried telepathic messages in Atlantis. One of them had a message from Poseidon to Amphitrite, in which he apologizes for leaving, but insists in that he is on a necessary and very important mission: Avenge Aquaman’s death with the help of Jacques Cousteau.
Determined to find Poseidon, knowing he might be Fito’s father, the EM Men go on their submarine trying to track him…But they suddenly get attacked by a giant sea water dragon!
While they find that most of their attacks are ineffective, even Elon’s Eco-Powered Guns and Brontes Elementalism, Fito and Guillermo take the nuclear generator of the almost destroyed submarine and pass it to Arrit, who manages to put it on the dragons mouth. In a desperate act to save de Godlings, Brontes places himself in front of the Dragon and uses his Elementalism to hit the generator with fire magic. A great explosion ensues, which ended with Arrit and Brontes both unconscious, Brontes being gravely wounded, and the Dragon running away with most of his face blown off.
Now stranded and with no submarine, the EM face the great perils of the Atlantean roads by themselves.

On the Architect’s City

Corey and Helena started both communicating and taking leadership of the City’s Liberation Movement and the Resistance respectively, and they managed to break a truce between the two factions. Going to an abandoned warehouse of the liberation movement, they decided to meet with each of the group’s champions as to determine the next move for the liberation of the city.
While Helena used the Resistance’s sewers to move, Corey had to make the difficult decision of going with just a few of the CLM henchmen through the city to the rendezvous point. As she was stealthily guiding the group through the streets, she found a large yellow eyed creature hiding in the shadows of an alleyway, but decided to ignore it in fear that it was the monster who made people disappear that everyone was talking about.
In the meeting, they both decided they needed plans of action, but they didn’t have enough information to attack. They knew Aetos had gathered information on the ministers and their meetings, but since he was taken by the science ministry before he could relay his intel, and he had to destroy his cellphone to not get tracked, they couldn’t communicate with him (Helena had a way, she could have used her Scrying to talk directly to Aetos through magical means, but she decided not to, as many people had been very afraid of her power when she discovered it in her own earth, and she believes she must be careful in not revealing her abilities, especially in the presence of other powered individuals).
So the search for Aetos started, but when the night came, Corey decided to go peek back into the alley. The creature did not seem aggressive towards her, and as she approached, she found out it was the Minotaur. He escaped from the science ministry thanks to Moon girl and now was looking for a “Male children of the gods”, likely referring to Aetos. Corey though of killing two birds with one stone, so she persuaded the Minotaur to join the liberation movement, as they too were searching for the person he wanted.
Aetos, meanwhile, had extracted all possible information he could from both the scientist and the judge, gaining knowledge of the exact layouts of the science ministry, the minotaur’s escape , and the weapons they were trying to use for capturing him back. He also got the general direction of some of the minister’s houses from the judge’s mind.

Not willing to commit another mistake, Aetos left the judge in a coma, and severed the scientists hand as he left him unconscious so he could enter the science ministry with his fingerprints. He hid both of the mortals in the woods as for to not be tracked and went into the Propaganda minister’s personal house. There, using his metamorphosis to transform into one of the City Guards, he read the mind of the Minister of Propaganda’s wife, finding out that he was working late hours to calm down the population from the recent incident at the science ministry that Aetos had created.

Seeing an opportunity for revolution, Aetos flew in his eagle form and went to the office of the Propaganda ministry, who was…having sex with his secretary. After a long and grueling wait, the secretary left the room and Aetos managed to get a hold on the ministers mind by catching his attention in eagle form. Hiding him in a closet, he transformed to mimic his form and scoured through his mind and paperwork, finding a list of all of the ministers contact information, including directions and phone numbers, as well as their family members.

He called for a worker of trust of the minister to do a special announcement broadcaster in every single television, radio and media communication on the City, and just before the broadcast commenced, he put the camera men unconscious and changed back to his true form, leaving a great speech for the public, calling them to revolt and return their to their freedoms, telling them that he was there to take them out of the city, and that “When the sky burns in flames, they would have their chance to strike back” and finally escaping with the Minister of propaganda to the skies.
Someone decided this was enough, and he shut down the power grid for the entire city, leaving it in a full blackout. But the internet saved us again, as some people had already recorded the speech and were now sharing it all over, it quickly became viral. The coalition between the resistance and CLM started sharing the video, in hopes of also helping find Aetos quicker.
The day of the Minister’s reunion with the architect, the power came back on, and Aetos managed to find back Corey’s and Helena’s number on the hotel they were staying by transforming into a guard. He contacted them both and set up a meeting point decided by Corey, a whorehouse close to the port of the city. Flying in his eagle form, Aetos had to leave the captured minister on a stray boat on the sea close to the port and disguise as a guard. When they left, they went back to the CLM s base.
As soon as the Minotaur saw Aetos, he charged towards the Godling for no apparent reason. Aetos was grappled, but clinging to the minotaur’s strong hand, he managed to enter his mind and stop him. He read his mind and discovered that it was Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom and War, that had sent him to test Aetos in a fight to the death. This would help the Minotaur repay a big debt she had to Athena for sparing his life. Seeing him as an honorable creature, Aetos spared his life.
As the group just started talking about their plans to escape and liberate the City, a black line of forced suddenly had the minotaur disappear. The group was completely flabbergasted as a new line of force came again into the room, this time trying to take Aetos. He was unable to dodge, and only managed to throw to Corey the papers of the Minister of propaganda that contained the personal information of the rest of the ministers.
Suddenly transported to a mountain top, Athena showed herself with the minotaur kneeling at her feet. She was impressed by Aetos actions for the City’s liberation and the defeating of the Minotaur, and therefore, he was found worthy of being trained by the Wise Goddess.
The CLM still had a burning hope, now having the information of the Ministers and with their spreading of Aetos revolutionary speech, they could definitively start a coup in the right time; but for the Resistance, this was not as easy. They had taken Helena to a place where they could meet the Moon Girl, and as they found her, she told Helena that she must make a choice between going to meet her divine parents or staying in the City, as the resistance’s goal all along was to take Helena out of the realm. Helena opted to follow Moon Girl, and left Corey alone with the CLM to free the City.

Can the EM Men find Jacques Cousteau and avenge Aquaman’s death? Did Hades have a mullet when he was young and conceived Paneb? What will happen to the poor Propaganda minister who is now just laying unconscious on a unmanned boat on the sea?

Only fate truly knows.

Tuesday, 14 August 2018

RPGPundit Presents: The Dragon's Egg

RPGPundit Presents #43: The Dragon's Egg is a medieval-authentic (Albion) adventure set in the city of London in 1456 (though you can set it in any large city in any kingdom with internal intrigues).

The Three Eds, a criminal trio, are trying to sell a dragon egg, something not seen for centuries. They also have a ritual that can hatch the seemingly-dormant egg. Enter the player characters, who may be hired to authenticate it, steal it, or otherwise confiscate it for the Church or their Lord. Taking place in London, the characters are likely to travel the sewers and into the underground ruins of an old bathhouse, ultimately facing the true owners of the egg and their sinister purpose.

You can get RPGPundit Presents #43: The Dragon's Egg at DTRPG, or at the Precis Intermedia Webstore. Either way, it's just $2.99!

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently smoking: Brigham Anniversary + Image Latakia

Monday, 13 August 2018

Classic Rant: Using Mechanics to Subsidize Actual Roleplaying Only Favors Incompetence

Some people have criticized my past blog entries where I argued that the best RPGs (like old-school D&D) are superior at handling actual roleplay because they DON'T have any 'social mechanics' and just make you actually play it out.

The common complaint is "RPGs should be fair to players though; it isn't a competition; and if a player has a PC who should be able to do well at diplomacy or something like that, but the player himself is not very good at speaking or putting together arguments, isn't it only fair that the GM give him a bonus??"

This isn't really about being in "competition", but it sounds like they're saying that if you're a really good roleplayer and come up with good ideas, you should roll with just your normal bonuses; but if the guy next to you is a moron who always thinks up dumb ideas or can't roleplay worth a damn, he should get a Special Snowflake bonus so his feelings aren't hurt.
Is that not going to create a sense of 'unfair competition' from the people who do not get that bonus?
Doesn't that look like favoritism?

As far as your character failing to do things he should be able to do: the question would be WHY do you feel your character "should be able" to do those things? In an OSR game you don't have 30 points to dump in Diplomacy so you can wave it around like a Mind-Control Superpower to avoid having to actually come up with ideas or roleplay, so that's out.

Do you feel he "should be able" because he has a high Charisma? Well, if he has a high charisma that's factored into his bonus. Players who have a high CHA AND come up with decent ideas, roleplay well, and make a good argument will obviously do better than people with a high CHA who always think up dumb ideas and/or don't roleplay their character and/or can't string together two words. But having a high CHA still means statistically, you'll do better than you otherwise would on account of your PC being likable even if you aren't capable of playing him as such.

Or do you feel he "should be able" because your mommy told you that you were special and everyone deserves a participation trophy for showing up? Because in that case, you're just Demanding to Win, you might as well think you "should be able" to find a +10 Holy Avenger sword in the next dungeon room. It's a nice thought, but you in no way deserve it and it's not going to happen at my table. Especially since your demand inherently invalidates the talent or hard work of other players at the table; who will get to see you being a socially inept doofus with shitty ideas who never actually portrays his character, and still end up doing just as well as the people who come up with all the actually good ideas.
It will make the world seem less emulative, it will ruin people's immersion, and it's a way to run a game that won't end up being fun for anyone.

If I have a player who feels they 'should be able' to do well in social situations, but doesn't, I'll try to encourage them to actually play out their character, to get more confidence in public speaking, or to think a bit harder about the ideas they're coming up with and develop some logic skills to think if its a good idea or a bad one.

If they refuse to do those things but want to be awesome anyways, then they're not really going to fit in with my games.


Currently Smoking: Brigham Anniversary Pipe + Image Latakia

(Originally Posted September 21, 2016)

Sunday, 12 August 2018

Wild West Campaign: The Crossfire

The session found some changes to Tombstone.  Jackson (and Smiley) left town in search of Aunt Henry and her magic recipe.   Meanwhile two more former-lawman exiles from Dodge City made their way into town: Jeff Young and Bat Masterson.

They were both heading to Tombstone on invitations: Masterson from Wyatt Earp who offered him a chance to buy a share in the Oriental Saloon.  And Young on the offer from Crazy Miller to come and work with him in the Millers' new gambling hall.

On the train to Tuscon, Masterson and Young ran across an old friend of Bat's, Texas Jack Vermillion.

He was heading to Tombstone as well, along with his friend Turkey Creek Jack Johnson.

Turkey Creek Jack was a Cowboy, a fact that caused Young some consternation, but from their time together it seemed that Jack was a fairly nice guy; and for whatever reason, Bat Masterson took to him right away.

On the stagecoach to Tombstone, the four men found that the Stagecoach just ahead of them on the Wells-Fargo schedule had been held up. One man was wounded, and a pair of ladies were fairly terrified. One of the ladies was Joyce Miller, Other Miller's second cousin, who was coming to Tombstone to marry him.

Virgil Earp made his way to the waystation, and escorted both stagecoaches to town. From the witnesses, he presumed the robbery was done by two Cowboys: Frank McLaury and Pony Diehl.  However, by the time he got back to town, Earp was given orders by the territorial government not to pursue the investigation.  The Cowboys had powerful influence at this point, and Virgil was very frustrated over how his hands were tied.

Meanwhile, Kid Taylor had been investigating the death of a local rancher named Deke Grisolm. The Cowboys were not likely suspects, since Grisolm had been a friend of the Clantons. The only real clue was some tracks with unusual bootprints, with a star-shaped marking on the heels.  Kid made his way to Grisolm Ranch, where he met with Janet, Deke's sister and the last surviving member of the family, and thus heiress to the Ranch. He began to suspect Bo, Janet's sweetheart, who was a common but handsome cowhand. Finding the situation at the ranch tricky to manage, and the various ranchands uncooperative, he decided to arbitrarily arrest one of them and rode him back to town.

In the meantime, Kid Taylor's deputy One-Arm Kelley had managed to find the boots.  Unfortunately, they were on the feet of a local drunk, who'd found them in an alley.  On interrogating the ranch-hand, they came to realize that it might not be Bo, but Janet herself who was behind the killing. Conferring with Morgan Earp, they speculated that Deke might not have approved of Janet's relationship with Bo, and she killed him to inherit the ranch and free herself of his control. They planned to put together a posse and use the ranch-hand's testimony to arrest Janet, but when they got back to the Marshall's office they found that the ranch-hand had been murdered, shot through the window of the cell.

The Wells-Fargo stagecoaches arrived in town.  The Millers were there to greet Joyce and Young, while Charlie Storms was there to meet his old friend Bat Masterson and get him to the Oriental. Other Miller went off to show his fiance around, while Crazy Miller and Young joined Masterson in going to the Oriental, where Wyatt Earp was glad to see them. Doc Holliday was there too, and Masterson met Luke Short for the first time. All of them decided to stay there a few hours drinking and playing poker to celebrate Masterson and Young's arrival.

In the afternoon, Curly Bill Brocius, Ike Clanton and Johnny Ringo came into the Oriental, accompanied by a few other cowboys. They made some subtle threats against Earp, expressing Pa Clanton's concern about how Wyatt Earp had seemingly set himself up as the Cowboy's enemy. Johnny Ringo was particularly interested in Jeff Young, who was rumored to be nearly as fast as Doc Holliday (or, according to Young, just as fast).

After exchanging some insults with Doc Holliday, Ringo decided to show just how fast he was, by drawing his gun and twirling it with great skill.  Doc responded by mimicking his little show, but with his whiskey cup.

To calm things, Wyatt restated his oft-repeated mantra that "he was just here to make money" and that if the Cowboys didn't cause any trouble with him, he wouldn't cause any trouble for them.  Curly Bill felt satisfied with this and the Cowboys left.  After they'd gone, Bat looked at Wyatt and asked "You're going to cause trouble, aren't you?"
Wyatt answered "Yup."

Several hours later, after Crazy Miller and Jeff Young had gone home, Kid Taylor was drinking at the bar of the Crystal Palace saloon with Doctor Goodfellow, trying to figure out what would be his next move in his investigation.  Just then he saw Charlie Storms throwing Luke short out the door of the Oriental. The two man had gotten into a fight over a faro game. Luke got up and Storms started to draw on him, but Short was faster with a quick draw and shot from the hip right into Storms' heart, at such close range that Storms' shirt caught fire.  Charlie Storms was dead before he hit the ground.

Everyone agreed that Luke shot in self-defense, so Kid didn't arrest him, and Bat forgave him. But Luke Short still felt nervous about it all. He knew Charlie Storms had been a friend of Bat's, and he figured being a partner with him on the Oriental Saloon would be awkward after that. So he would decide in the next few days to sell off his share of the Oriental, to Bat. Will Harris, the other part-owner, did the same; and Luke Short and Will Harris moved to Dodge City where they would buy the famous Long Branch saloon (thus having both gone from owning Tombstone's most famous saloon to owning Dodge's most famous saloon).

Kid Taylor was heading home after a late night, when he suddenly noticed a stranger waiting for him in an alley. Then behind him, he heard a rifle cocking. He realized he was being ambushed by the men who murdered Deke Grisolm, and the ranchhand who was going to testify.  Finding himself in a cross-fire, Kid Taylor dived behind a barrel to try to cover himself from the rifleman, and started firing at the shooter ahead of him. They exchanged multiple shots, with Taylor injuring the gunman several times.  He dropped him with a serious (but non-lethal) hit but ran out of bullets. He then dashed for the corner, avoiding the rifle-fire.  At that point while reloading behind a picket fence he ran into Morgan Earp, and the two turned back to pursue the gunmen. They followed the trail of blood from the injured one to the Mexican Quarter, where they cornered and arrested both.   With their confession, they also arrested Janet Grisolm. Apparently, she was behind her brother's death, and had hired the same two gunmen to kill the witness and then to try to kill Kid Taylor. She was desperately in love with her boyfriend, and was insanely determined not to let anything get in her way; curiously, Bo didn't know anything about the killings and was horrified to discover his girl was a bloodthirsty murderess.

Incredibly, instead of being in a crossfire and outgunned, Kid Taylor didn't take a single hit.  In fact, he hasn't taken a single bullet in his entire career in spite of several major gunfights.  We've taken to calling him "wyatt earp jr.".


Currently Smoking: Neerup Egg + Image Virginia

Saturday, 11 August 2018

DCC Campaign Update: Are You Laquanda?

In our last session, the PCs had gone far back in time to recover the Comfy Slippers on a sidequest. Along the way they'd met BOLT-0, and invited him to contact them in the present.


-Heidi wakes up to find Vegomagus reduced to a vegetable.
"What happened to him?"
"We went to the past to find some comfy slippers."

-"I guess the Vegomagus needs to rest."
"We'll put him in the 'Tard Room', with Mongo."

-"It'll take like a week until I'm up to full."
"Don't worry, it doesn't matter to me."

-"Hey Republican Jesus, Vegomagus is really fucked up."
"Yeah, I know man, I caught them doing some weird sex thing with some slippers."
"That wasn't what it looked like!"

-Korean Jesus gives the PCs a potion to heal Vegomagus.
"Thank you very much."
"do you go give it to Vegomagus."
"No, I keep it for my own future use."

-Meanwhile, Catboy/Boylord heads over to his girlfriend Anema's room and knocks.
"Who is it?"
"Cat.. um.. Boy.. I'm just not sure anymore. The thief previously known as Catboy."
"Oh, um, I'm a little busy right now..."
"What? Wait, are you alone in there?"
"Wait... oh crap, not Bort! Is he really more pathetic than me?"
"I'm not pathetic am I?"
"Shut up, Bort!"

-"I'm sorry, Catboy. But you've changed since you've become a Halconlord. You're just more confident now."

-"I leave a bowl of water next to the Vegomagus."
"Like he's an animal!"
"The sad thing is right now he's technically the leader of this party."

-Catboy notices a communication signal flashing in the control room.
"...fine, Boylord."

-BOLT-0 has a mission for them.
"So we have to go get it, I guess. Where?"

-Apparently, the Magic Wafer is a holy item, that was once in the care of the Cleric Grenoble, who died from causes related to Bill the Elf. It has amazing curative and protective powers.

"I'd be amazed if it was just one."

-Catboy goes to get Lenny.
"Should we get the rest of the team?"
"Nah, how hard could a Death Fortress be?"
"Wait a minute.. did you just say Death Fortress?"

-BOLT-0 gives them transmat locations that will precisely teleport them into a passing skyship. They beam inside and are confronted by a hot looking 1970s sci-fi black woman with a blaster pistol.
"Hold it, suckers!"
"Whoa.. are you Laquanda??"
"That's racist. A black female human shows up and you just assume she's got to be Laquanda."
"Yeah, I'm Laquanda but you don't know me!"

-The surprise of meeting someone vaguely referenced as connected to the PC group in an alternate timeline where Mu and Sami had been a couple is only trumped by finding out that they're on the Superfly II, piloted by their old friend Blitzkreig Sakomano!
"Hey, it's Sakomano!"
"Oh shit, not these turkeys again!"

-Blitzkrieg and his partners were heading toward the Death Fortress to steal the wafer, which a client was willing to pay $30K credits for.
"We can pay you $20K for it right now"
"Deal, man. I wouldn't have the Superfly if it wasn't for you guys."
"Plus, we'll join you on the mission; which will make it easier. Or harder."

-Lenny tries to heal the Vegomagus.
"Choke, choke, choke!"
"Stop it Boylord!! You know I'm insecure about my unreliable miracles!!"

-"So how do you people know about me again?"
"Two reasons: we heard about you before, from an alternate timeline; and also boylord is a racist."

-"Man, Blitzkrieg. When you described these guys to me they sounded cool, but they're actually lame. Well, except maybe this guy."
"Heidi? He's a pacifist."
"Oh lord!"

-Lenny keeps failing to heal Vegomagus.
"I just can't control my miracles! I'm a bad saint..."
"No, honey, you just have to believe in yourself!"
"My total lack of self-confidence has always been my biggest personal flaw."
"...not eating people?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, that's the other one."
"Wait... what?!"

-"Laquanda would either totally get along with or really hate Sami!"
"Sami missed her chance to finally get a female friend."

-Vegomagus visits the cockpit.
"Space Bear stares at you worriedly."

-"BOLT-0 told us there might be a traitor in our group."
"Just one?"
"Yeah, I said that too. I mean, half our party probably follows daemons."

-"The Catboy might try to fuck us up."
"You didn't see how much he fucked things up when we went to the past."
"Yeah, but that's just him fucking things up in the usual way."

-"I'm a way better mage than I used to be."
"Oh yeah, you sure look like magic has served you real well, Vegomagus..."

-"The traitors will probably help us get to the Crown of Creation but will turn on us there."
"So, kind of like in Civil War?"

-"Laquanda don't you go shooting my friends."
"Your friends are jive-ass motherfuckers."

-"I back away from Laquanda"
"you go to the back near the bathroom. You hear Lenny inside, sobbing."

-"Are you OK, Lenny? Do you want me to rub your ears?"
"What? No!"
"I'm not being sexual or something. It's just a cat thing."

-"I just want to be helpful! But I'm not good at anything."
"Don't worry Larry, you're going to be fine."
"My name's Lenny!!"

-"Vegomagus is going to sleep to heal, down in the cargo bay."
"Hey Vegomagus?"
"Yeah, Blitzkrieg?"
"Don't touch the boxes down there. They have some feral sky-pandas I've been smuggling."

-"The Superfly evades the Death Fortress' defensive laser satellites with maneuvers in a stunning action scene produced by Industrial Light & Magic."
"You're such a descriptive DM."
"Yeah, this campaign has now reached new levels of immersion."

-Lenny spent all night in the bathroom.
"I um.. i had diarrhea. I wasn't crying."

-They break into the Cyborg Grandmother's Death Fortress, and into a hallway full knicknacks clearly bought in the Home Shopping Network.

-"Vegomagus is going to cast Locate Object"
"What's wrong? You look funny."
"He's about to masturbate."

-Suddenly, the party is ambushed by Robot Kick-Ninjas.
"Kick Ninjas? I had those toys when I was a kid!"
"When I was a kid I played with dirt. We were really poor."

-Lenny finally manages a miracle, firing a Blessed bullet at a kick-ninja.
"Wow Lenny, you Constantined that bitch!"

-Unfortunately, the Vegomagus, already in a weakened state, is kicked to death.
"His luck has run out."

-"He looked like death was probably a sweet release."

-"We could use the Holy Wafer to bring him back."

-Vegomagus' player starts to roll up some 0-level characters.
"Roll for your random language."
"I got 'Neutral'."
"Nah, I hate alignment languages, roll again."
"Same roll."
"Well, fuck it then, you speak Neutral."

-"How do you say 'Yes' in Neutral?"

-Lenny looks down at Vegomagus' corpse.
"It's so sad. I can't even eat him."

-Laquanda has naninte healing-shots, but she's stingy with them.
"I'm still badly wounded."
"You're a saint, Lenny. Can't you heal yourself?"
"That would require believing in myself, which is the hardest thing of all!"

-They all get together for a prayer circle to try to help Lenny.
"Let's hold hand. Now that the Vegomagus is dead we can do that!"

-In spite of all their efforts, Lenny fails to heal.
"I'm useless!!"

-"OK, let's just keep going."
"Wait, what are we going to do about Vegomagus' corpse?"
"We already looted him."
"No, I mean, are we going to bury him?"
"Hmm. Oh, I know, pile some robot corpses on top of him."
"We're burying him with the same thing that killed him!"

-"Vegomagus died doing what he loved: nothing."

-"Vegomagus' epitaph: He died."

-"Vegomagus' epitaph: He was... a wizard?"

-They find a turbolift; as they go down it, the lift plays nursery rhymes.
"This is even more disturbing than The Girl From Ipanema!"

-They get to a door, which catboy manages to unlock. But the moment he opens it a pair of Giant Cyborg Poodles burst out, knocking him down.
"Heidi attacks with a critical, doing battle rage, +6d12 damage!"
"Those furious bulging eyes as he slaughters the poodle sure makes Heidi look like a Pacifist."

-They enter an insane looking dungeon/nursery, with adult prisoners trapped inside what look like giant titanium cribs. Only three are occupied: by an Orange Mutant Trader, a Human Sky-Sailor, and a Human Barbarian Glider.
"We found the Vegomagus' replacements!"
"They don't look promising."

-The party moves on to an old storage room, filled with old granny dresses, piles of old board games and puzzles missing pieces, stacks of decades-old magazines and news papers, and a portrait of a sad clown.
"Anyone find anything useful?"
"I found a box full of expired grocery coupons."
"I found a vinyl record of Burl Ives' Greatest Hits."

-Having thus far been unable to find the treasure vault of the Cyborg Grandmother, the PCs come up with a plan when the three newbies inform them that a trio of robot nannies were coming into their dungeon/nursery once a day to feed them.
"Man this is a fucked up place."

-They plan to ambush the robot nannies, most of them are hiding in the nursery when the nannies arrive, except Heidi who is hiding on the ceiling of the corridor.

-The PCs are fighting the three robot nannies, but want to capture at least one with its robot-brain intact, to hack the location of the vault.
"The orange mutant is hit with the nanny's stun ray. He's knocked down and loses control of his bowels."
"A standard start for a new PC then."

-"I'm going to try to destroy the last nanny without damaging it's head unit. I fail my Deed die, but get a critical on the attack roll."
"OK, according to this you hit it right in the head for extra damage."

-With all three nannies ruined, they go back to just searching randomly. They find a huge room that they hoped would be the vault, but in fact it's a gigantic wal-mart sized pantry, filled with all kinds of jams, preserves, dried goods, and hard candy.
"Are they just... jams?"
"Yes, and other grandma-style stuff, like hard candies."
"Are all the jams normal?"
"No, there seems to be one shelf of some weird colored or glowing jams."
"So, you could jams?"

-"Wait... are you just basing this dungeon on your grandma's house?"

-After raiding the pantry, including taking most of the weird space jams, they find another door.
"I listen at the door."
"You hear the sound of someone rocking out to Queen."

-They open the door and find a late-20-something in the bedroom of a superannuated teenager.
"Wait, we're in the bottom floor of the Death Fortress, right? Like, the basement?"
"Oh shit, this is her useless grandson."

-Indeed, the person they find is the Cyber Grandmother's grandson, Marty.
"Hey, like, if you're robbing my grandma, I can take you to the Vault. BUT, I get a cut, and you  have to make it look like I had nothing to do with it."
"Oh, you're that kind of grandson. A terrible grandson."
"Hey! It's not like it's my fault! The old hag hardly even gives me an allowance. I can't earn my own money because I took a degree in communication. It's worthless!"
"Why the hell did you study communication?!"
"Me Barbarian and even me know that stupid!"

-"What can you tell us about these jams?"
"They're grandma's experimental jams."
"So, like the grandma version of experimental jazz?"

-"Ignore the barbarian. He's Level 0, he doesn't count for anything."

-"The vault is guarded by a Cyborg Eye-Tyrant!"

-They surprise-attack the Cyborg Eye-Tyrant. Heidi misses, but Boylord hits, and they take it out before it can use any of its death-rays.  Then Boylord disables the security systems and cracks the complex lock of the vault.
"He's actually useful!"
"Wow, hey, I'm actually a Thief, pulling off a heist!"

-They get inside, and the vault is full of treasure! Unfortunately, it's also full of Cyborg-Mummy.
"Hey, that's grandpa! And Grandma's three other dead husbands!"

-"Our guns can't hurt it! We need someone with some kind of divine power!"
"You're a saint, Lenny!"

-Half the party is frozen in fear at the sight of the mummies.
"Am I frozen in fear?"
"No, you have a bonus because you're a Halconlord."
"Can I pretend I'm frozen in fear?"

-"I'm doing really good today."
"With Vegomagus dead, Boylord is our new leader!"

-"Pray harder, Lenny! Smite them!"
"I'm trying my best!!"
"Stop crying, you baby!"

-"You didn't give me a gun!"
"I'd rather Laquanda have it! She's already killed one of these things."

-"I shot the shortest, baldest mummy!"
"You didn't kill it."

-They finally kill the mummies, and loot the treasure room. But the Holy Wafer isn't there!
"Hey, I know! Maybe the Wafer was inside us all along!"
"Again, me barbarian and even me think that stupid!"

-"Wait, you guys are looking for the wafer? It ain't here man."
"Well where is it, Marty?"
"It's in Grandma. It's what's keeping her alive!"
"How come?"
"It's really powerful, and she's really really old."

-Being down on health and resources, but laden with treasure, they decide to get back to the Superfly, and then try to get back into the Fortress to face the Cyborg Grandma. Lenny actually manages to finally pull off a major miracle, and teleports the whole crew and all the massive amounts of treasure onto the ship.
"Well, you were finally useful when it really counted!"

That's it for today. Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs will be able to face the deadly Cyber-Grandma!


Currently Smoking: Castello 4k Canadian + Image Latakia