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Saturday 30 June 2018


No blog entry today. Watching the Uruguay game. I don't usually care about soccer (or fuuuutbol) as they call it here, but once every four years I turn into a fanatic.

Right now, Uruguay looks like it's two top names could win the Best Player award and the Oscar, respectively.

Friday 29 June 2018

DCC Campaign Update: I'm Starting to Hope the Next Encounter Kills Us

In our last session, the PCs had been stuck for in the Neutral Zone, and then figured out that one of 16 possible planar gates in a magic door would lead to Arkhome. Since it was the only place they recognized, they stepped through.


-"We need to kill the Archmaster. Just fucking kill him!"
"Wow, tough words from the Vegomagus."
"Do you eat meat now?"
"No, I literally can't."
"No, that's meat."
"What about a guy in a wheelchair?"
"WTF, dude?!"

-They're hiding out in an alley on a level that seems to be a lower-class market.
"Snail kebabs! Snail kebabs!"
"Shouldn't we at least try to explore this snail thing?"

-"We need to go back to the Sun."
"The Archemaster has Anema."
"Oh yeah... I don't trust her."

-"We have to kill the Archemaster!"
"You just want his shit."

-Sami uses Divine Aid to send a message to Republican Jesus.
"So... I'm basically sending an email?"
"No answer yet."
"It got stuck in his spam box."

-"Fuck it, we're going to get some snail kebabs."

-"Four snail kebabs please, and.. do you have something vegetarian?"
"An onion on a stick."
"Do you have anything to drink?"
"Snail juice."
"Five of those please."

-"Here, Vegomagus, we know you can't eat animals so we got you an onion on a stick. And some snail juice!"
"Awesome. I keep the snail juice."
"What? Why? Isn't it poisonous for you?"
"Summoning component, fuck yeah!"

-"No one in this group has died in ages."
"You just had to say that..."

-"We've been on this quest for like, a year and half of real time."
"Yeah, well, how long was the quest to reset G.O.D.?"
"Oh, like ages, since Ackbasha first appeared."
"The vast majority of this 5-year long campaign has been just the quest to reset G.O.D. and then this quest... which is basically to reset G.O.D. again."
"It's 'Reset G.O.D. II: Because we Fucked it up the First Time!'"

-The PCs have lingered too long eating their snail-kebabs, and are spotted by a patrol of Halconlords.
"Identify yourselves!"
"Hi, I'm Anesh Gupta..."
"Stop saying that!"
"What? It's on my ID!"

-The Halconlords see the PCs are armed, which is apparently illegal for non-Halconlords in the city, and draw their weapons.
"Ok, let's co-operate and disarm."
"Nah, I'm just going to kill one."
"Goddamnit, Vizi."

-Combat begins, and in one round everyone gets a fumble!
"I didn't get a fumble!"
"That's because you chose not to do anything."
"I still win."

-Sami and Catboy take off, while the rest are gradually killing the Halconlords.
"Why would the Halconlords do this?"

-Sami is hovering near a roof, when an old man starts coming up from a trap door.
"That's probably the Resistance!"
"Are you a cleric?"
"Yes, old man!"
"Can you cure my arthritis?"
"...He's not the Resistance."

-"Damn it Halconlord, why won't you die!?"
"You're shooting at him with a stun gun, Heidi."

-Catboy gets into a sniper position, and gets a critical 20 to shoot one of the Halconlords.
"Again, Catboy is competent only when no one was looking."
"Sami was there!"
"I was busy curing the old man's arthritis."

-"We can't fuck up Arkhome, it's already a shithole!"

-"Try to hide your weapons, guys."
"I have a gatling gun!"
"I have a railgun."

-The party is moving up the tower, trying to find a way out. They run into some more guards; so Heidi tosses a flash grenade their way, blinding most of them.
"Can I backstab?"
"Hitting blind people is the Catboy's great challenge."

-Vizi fumbles and damages his light-saber.
"I pull out my minigun. This is what you guys get for breaking my light saber!"
"You broke it yourself!"

-Vizi fires 60 rounds, hits nothing.
"Suppresing fire!"

-Sami and catboy fled from the fight again, heading back down the stairs, but now there's Halconlords coming up their way. She turns back to see Vizi, the only one who didn't retreat on time, getting attacked by five guys.

-"Have the others all gone back up?"
"yes, the all passed you. Sami is flying with her jetpack, Catboy is clining to her, and Vegomagus has his boots of speed."
"That means they're all right next to that C4 I left at the level entrance?"
"Yes, they're all right next to the high explosive. Tempted?"

-Rather than blow everyone up, Heidi tosses the trigger for the C4 to Catboy. When everyone is far enough away Catboy activates the charge and blows up the entrance and the stairs.
"Huh. Now that I think about it, we could have used the C4 to make a hole in the outer wall."

-With the last remaining C4 pack, they blow the wall & make a new window. They fly out and up into the desolate desert.
"OK, so either there was some kind of barrier in Arkhome that made communication impossible, and now Republican Jesus will come and save us... or Lady Halcon went apeshit in the Sun and killed everyone."
"Or the Archemaster, who got up to the Sun with Anema because you cockblocked me, which was a really bad idea."
"You're really salty about that, huh?"

-"Hey, remember when we said stopping Sezrekhan was 'urgent'?"
"Yeah, that was 8 months ago."

-"Do you think Harry or Roman betrayed us?"
"Or maybe they're stuck in the hydroponics lab?"
"Oh, shit."
"I was going to teleport those guys... but then I got high!"

-Increasingly desperate, Sami tries to contact Lady Halcon. Once again, no reply. While they wait, Sami uses her sonic tool to fix Vizi's light saber.
"Wow, Sami. You're really good with your hands!"
"It's not a joke if it's true."

-"We have to camp out at night."
"We have no camping gear, or anything to make a fire with."
"...we could huddle for warmth."
"No... fuck that."

-The party finds an abandoned desert-nomad camp and use it for shelter.
"What are we doing?"
"I'll do a watch with Sami so we can talk about our feelings... um, really manly feelings!"
"I don't want a gay best friend, Vizi."
"I'm not gay!"
"You're overcompensating and have been for some time."

-"Vizi & Sami are both distracted; Vizi by talking about feelings and Sami by trying to shut out the whole world to ignore Vizi. So they totally miss the 200 goblins who sneak attack."

-Vizi tosses High Explosive Grenades at the Goblin bosses, blowing up a bunch of them.
"So, as I was saying, there was this old woman at the green mutant village..."
"I just fly away."
"Fuck you, Sami!"

-Vizi is bombarded by sling bullets.
"I crawl into Heidi's tent."
"We all knew that was going to happen sooner or later."

-"Sami is too high to be hit by the slingers right now."
"Funny, because usually Vizi is the one that's too high."

-Sami fumbles her divine aid, and gets a message on her tablet: "We've updated our system: Do you want to accept that All is Sezrekhan? YES/MAYBE LATER".
"oh shit!"

-"How long would it take Heidi to put on his armor?"
"At least 30 rounds."
"Ok, I start."

-Sami casts Sanctuary and then flies down in front of Heidi's tent, to find Heidi getting dressed and Vizi crawling around on the floor.
"...this is not what it looks like, Sami. Heidi is just half-undressed while I'm examining myself."

-Sami heals Vizi and he uses his minigun to take out 60 goblins in one shot.
"You bastards interrupted me while I was telling Sami my life story!"

-Vegomagus summons Elfland troops, and they finally drive away the remaining goblins.
"OK, my armor is on, where are the goblins?"
"They left like 3 minutes ago, Heidi."

-The next morning the PCs wake up to find Vizi has surrounded the camp with dozens of staked goblin-heads, and painted "Vegomagus was here" in blood on the sand.
"Look guys, I tidied up!"
"Man, I should have listened to what Vizi was saying to me last night."
"Yeah, I think it was a cry for help."

-Sami sends her fourth message out, this time to Lenny.
"Where the fuck are you people?!"

-The party comes across a caravan of Desert Nomads.
"Can you tell us what's around here, other than Arkhome?"
"North of here is Northern Fortress, ruled by a pair of giants. Northeast is City of the Mad."
"Oooh we should go there!"

-"You do not want go with us to Arkhome?"
"No, thank you."
"Yeah, we did Arkhome already."
"Veni, vidi, fuck it."

-Moving on, the team continues north. The next night, Vizi gets chatty in the guard watch with Vegomagus.
"So, do you consider a toothpick food?"
"WTF, are you channeling BOLT-0?"

-"I'm starting to hope the next encounter kills us."

-"Do a perception check."
"Remember that I have IR Cyber-eyes."
"OK, right. Roll."
"Natural 1"
"You're staring right at the fire and are effectively blind."

-After a brief encounter with a group of hobgoblins, some kind of planar gate appears and Roman steps out. He's wearing a leather jacket and has half his head shaved.
"Where the fuck were you people?"
"Where the fuck were we? Where the fuck were you the last four days?"
"Where were you guys the last seven weeks?!"
"Seven weeks? Oh... right, time goes differently in the Neutral Zone."

-"While you were gone we already freed Korean Jesus, and some other crazy wizard trapped in the Eternity Pit."
"Oh, it's Pertinax, remember him? Bill drove him insane!"
"Now we've found the Derpy Horse of Destiny and have amassed an army to invade the realm of Zozzsz."
"yeah, we bypassed like seven side-quests by not being there!"
"And we were strangely more effective without you guys in our group."

-"Wait! I only need 3xp to level up! We need one more side-quest!"
"No more sidequests! We are on the main approach!"

-"So you found the Derpy Horse?"
"Yes, the latest generation. It's become so degraded from inbreeding that now it's a reverse centaur."

-The party steps through to an area just north of the sea of glass that was once the Furry Plain, where a large army of troops from Goldhalcon and Halconlord forces and a variety of other forces have amassed. They meet Pertinax, who looks like a total wreck compared to the last time he was seen in the campaign.
"What's wrong with this guy?"
"I have seen into the darkness, and his name is Bill."
"One day with Bill the Elf and this is the result."

That's it for today. Stay tuned next time for the invasion of the Demon Realms of Zozzsz!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Gawith's St.James' Flake

Thursday 28 June 2018

New Video: Stuff They Taught You Wrong on Purpose About D&D #2

"You must involve your PCs' backstories into your campaign" is really crappy advice, and trying to make up for a failure to effectively create a living world.

This is the second part of my series on #DnD stuff they taught you wrong, on purpose.


Currently Smoking: Mastro de Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

Wednesday 27 June 2018

Classic Rant: Fantastic Review of Dark Albion

So, here's the Savage GM, giving us a very emphatic review of Dark Albion. It's great, very thorough, and you can totally feel the enthusiasm he has for the book in it! Check it out:


A couple of notes:

1. I definitely got inspiration from Game of Thrones, but besides that I probably got as much inspiration from Shakespeare's historical saga plays.

2. I'm really happy he liked the Appendix P house rules! I do want to note that while Savage GM points out that "you advance in level very quickly", from level 0 to level 3 or so, I would also note that a key of the system (and why it works in Albion's low-level environment, a characteristic of the setting the video pointed out) is that after that you start to advance a lot slower. So the rules let you get up to "expert" level faster than most OSR games but then lingers longer in what I feel is that sweet-spot between levels 4-9.

3. I totally get what he means by it, but I do think its adorable that the Savage GM associates "Cornwall" with "elegance". For viewers who've never been to the UK, that's a bit like associating "Arkansas" with "decorum".

4. By some bizarre twist of fate, the Savage GM's real life accent (at least, I assume it's real) sounds almost exactly like the accent I use when I'm playing Zeke Bodean, Scriptural Archeologist in my DCC campaign. I couldn't let this entry go without pointing that out.

Anyways, check out the video, +1 it, like it, and Tell The People all about the awesomeness that is Dark Albion!


(Originally Posted June 26, 2016)

Tuesday 26 June 2018

Advanced OSR Critical Tables!

In my latest issue, I give you RPGPundit Presents #37: Advanced OSR Critical Tables.

This 16 page manual presents a set of rules and tables for making critical hits in your OSR game. They're made to be realistic and anatomical, and meant for a hardcore gritty style of game, where your player characters will risk losing body parts, or worse!  So, games like Lion & Dragon, or in that same style of high-intensity play.

Along with basic critical rules, this product includes tables for damage by weapon type, including slashing weapons, piercing weapons, blunt weapons, arrows and other pointed missile weapons, bullets, and animal claw/bite attacks.
It also has guidelines for critical hits from unarmed damage, explosives, magical energy, and holy water or acid.

It's a highly practical guide, and will seriously spice up any hard-mode OSR or D&D campaign.

For the low low price of just $1.99, you can get Advanced OSR Critical Tables from DTRPG, or from the Precis Intermedia Webstore.

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently smoking: Brigham Anniversary + Image Latakia

Monday 25 June 2018

Inappropriate Characters Episode 3!

In the newest episode of Inappropriate Characters...

I share the funniest story to come out of the #DnDGate Hashtag incident!

Venger Satanis talks about making worlds!

And Grim Jim Desborough contemplates the Giant Space Hamster!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Chestnut + Image Virginia

Sunday 24 June 2018


Today I'm busy, filming our upcoming episode of Inappropriate Characters!

And if you want us to produce more episodes of our charged and controversial talk show, be sure to support us on Patreon!


Saturday 23 June 2018

Wild West Campaign Update: Election Time

In our last session, the town of Tombstone is gearing up for the 1880 election.  On the federal level, it's Garfield (R) verus Hancock(D). If you don't know how that turns out, you can always get spoilers on wikipedia.

But what was far more pressing in Tombstone were the local elections for Pima County.  The Democrats had very significant power in the region and were rigging the game in their favor. By this year Tombstone had become (almost overnight) a very significant location, and the Democrats sent over opportunistic fast-talker Johnny Behan to make certain that Tombstone went to the Democratic party.
He had made an alliance with the Cowboy gang and with local town magnate Crazy Miller (who had until then been a life-long Republican). Curly Bill Brocius, one of the commanders of the Cowboys, was given the title of electoral official, and the plan was to use local cowboy-controlled saloons as polling stations, with Miller's Argent Saloon being one of them. Pre-marked ballots would be given to everyone who came in with the agreement that if they used this ballot they would be given a free beer. Of course, this was illegal but it was also very common practice at the time.

Meanwhile, taciturn Republican newspaper editor John Clum was leading the charge for the Republicans; but he lacked any real style at campaigning, so on the advice of Kid Taylor (who had himself been a lifelong Democrat until now) he recruited Morgan Earp to take charge of managing the campaign. Morgan could make a pretty good show of publicity to nearly match Behan's showmanship.

Meanwhile, Kid Taylor took to trying to cause dissention in the Cowboy ranks by playing Ike Clanton against Curly Bill. The only problem was that Ike was a coward, and when Curly Bill intimidated him he squealed like a pig. Infuriated, Curly Bill planned to have Taylor shot by Johnny Ringo, but when Crazy Miller heard about this he intervened, and managed to prevent Taylor's assassination.

Unfortunately, things were about to get more complicated. Curly Bill had been steadily developing a serious opium problem, and ignoring pleas from his more coherent comrades to moderate himself.  One night only two weeks from the election, he'd gotten himself drunk and stoned and started firing his pistol in the street. When Fred White, the town marshall who had been trying so hard to keep the peace in town by turning a blind eye to some of the cowboy's bad-behavior, tried to get him to disarm, there was a slight tussle and Curly Bill shot him at point-blank range in the gut.

Jackson and Wyatt Earp were close-by; Earp pistol-whipped Curly Bill while Jackson disarmed him. A mob quickly formed demanding that Curly Bill hang, revealing how many of the regular townsfolk resented the Cowboys. But Wyatt drew his gun and held off the angry crowd.  Doctor Goodfellow and Kid Taylor were close-by and rushed to attend to Fred White, though they both immediately realized that he'd be almost impossible to save.

Morgan Earp showed up then, and with Wyatt and Jackson they dragged the unconscious Curly Bill through the street toward the jailhouse, while Goodfellow and Taylor had Fred White carried to their medical office.
As the lawmen were carrying Curly Bill, a half-dozen Cowboys came along, including Indian Charlie Cruz, Sherman McMaster, and Johnny Ringo. They fired some warning shots, demanding that the Earps hand over Curly Bill so they could get him out of town. The Earps were unwilling to hand him over.

Sherman McMaster warned them "there's six of us and only three of you."

"Four", they heard, as Doc Holliday appeared almost as if out of nowhere.

Johnny Ringo stared him down. "He's drunk. He's probably seeing double."

Doc drew a second pistol. "I have two guns, one for each of you."

Just then Crazy Miller and Other Miller showed up, evening up the odds even more. The Cowboys decided they'd need to make a retreat. "This ain't finished, lunger" said Johnny Ringo.

"Just say when", Doc replied.

While the Earps got Curly Bill behind bars, the Cowboys had holed up in the pool hall; Wyatt sent Crazy Miller over to talk them down. He arrived at the same time as Johnny Behan, who had a vested interest in avoiding bloodshed this close to the election. They convinced the cowboys to do it Behan's way. He promised them Curly Bill would be a free man well before election day.

Doctor Goodfellow and Kid Taylor did all they could, but there was no saving Fred White. Other Miller and Goodfellow spoke out to the mob, convincing them that Fred would have wanted Curly Bill to go to trial and everything being done the legal way.

Within two days, a Judge in the Democrat's pockets came to town to hold a speedy trial. The Earps and the PCs had comisserated over the possibility of sinking Curly Bill with Wyatt and Jackson's eyewitness testimony, but Wyatt would have none of it. He wasn't going to lie under oath, and anyways, he reckoned, the Cowboys without Curly Bill to keep them in line would just go wild. And Wyatt more than anything wanted to avoid that; he repeated his oft-spoken mantra that he was only in Tombstone to get rich and live easy.

In the end, the high-priced lawyer that Behan got for Curly Bill (on Crazy Miller's recommendation) made sure there was no chance of failure, they got a third witness who not only confirmed the testimony of Wyatt's and Jackson's, but stated that from their line of sight, it was clear that Curly Bill's gun discharged accidentally when Fred White grabbed his arm.

Bill was a free man, and by then (only three days after White's death) the people of Tombstone had lost their nerve. They'd remembered how dangerous the Cowboys were, and for now any thought of driving them out had been suppressed.

But the PCs hadn't forgotten. Even though for the last several months it seemed some of them were going back and forth about the Cowboys, Fred White's death seemed to bring them together. They knew something had changed in Tombstone, and that now (sooner or later) a conflict would be inevitable and the Cowboys would have to be stopped eventually.  It was only a question of time.


Currently Smoking: Davidoff 400 series + Gawith's Commonwealth

Friday 22 June 2018

New Video: The Truth About DnDGate's Motives

People have been spreading lies and misinformation (as usual) about my motives and goals in talking about the need for a "DnDGate" movement and what it's all about. Here's the truth.


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Delta Days

Thursday 21 June 2018

Awesome New Dark Albion VIDEO Review!

I don't think this needs a lot of introduction. Check it out if you're still looking for even more wonderfully detailed information on Dark Albion.

Aside from the fact that he gave it a very high score, I have to say Red Dice Diaries (who I didn't know until now) is clearly a top-quality reviewer in terms of the level of attention and detail he gives to his product. Well worth watching.


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Bent Rhodesian + Image Virginia

Wednesday 20 June 2018

Saga of the Green & Blue Mutant Chiefs!

Today, I give you RPGPundit Presents #36: The Saga of the Green & Blue Mutant Chiefs! This is an adventure scenario for any Gonzo OSR game, but specifically part of my Last Sun setting.

This issue provides an open-ended adventure scenario that pits the Green Mutant tribe against the Blue Mutant tribe. It includes top personalities from each tribe, as well as a number of random encounters that may occur while wandering in the nearby woods.

Note that this adventure was recently played in my DCC campaign, and you can see the campaign update here

Will your PCs try to bring peace to the intergenerational war between the Green and Blue mutant tribes of the Tangled Wood? Or will they take a side, fighting with one tribe against the other? Or maybe just screw all that and take what they can get?
Will they discover the terrible truth about where Bearowls come from?

Find out in The Saga of the Green and Blue Mutant Chiefs, available from DTRPG, or from the Precis Intermedia Webstore! Either way, for just $2.99!

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently smoking: Brigham Anniversary + Image Latakia

Monday 18 June 2018

Masonic Hell Week (and 30 Courtly Events in Spanish)

Hmm. On second thought that headline seems more clickbaity than I intended. What I mean is that this is the week where a great deal of important stuff happens in Masonry, related to the Solstice, and so I'm going to be incredibly busy all week long.

If I miss a post altogether, don't be surprised.

Meanwhile, here's the Spanish Edition of 30 Courtly Events and Intrigues, which you can also buy on the Precis Intermedia Webstore.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Chestnut

Sunday 17 June 2018

DCC Campaign Update: The Masturbation Hut

In our last session... well, actually, our last session was a complete sidebar because half the party was missing. But the point is that half the party was still down on the surface of the world of the Last Sun, having just helped one tribe of mutants murder another tribe of mutants. The other half was up on the Sun.


-"When I get up to Lol I'm going to try to find something good to buy with my credits!"
"There's nothing to buy on Lol! It's in ruins!"
"When we last went to Lol it was cool. Now it's basically sky-Venezuela."

-"So how far is the Azure Tower from here?"
"250 feet?"
"What? That has to be wrong."
"I know, I'm just making up stuff now."

-"You notice that in his time here, Lenny has gained a lot of weight."

-The Vegomagus calls for the PCs.
"Vegomagus? Who's that?"
"He's still alive? I thought he was dead."
"No, he's been in the Masturbation Hut all this time."
"You mean the Mad Hut?"
"They've renamed it in his honor."

-"Come into my hut for a moment."
"OK, but I'm leaving the door open so no one thinks we're doing anything weird."

-"The Vegomagus is totally wasted and emaciated by spellburn."
"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"

-The PCs plan to leave for the Azure Tower in the hopes of getting teleported back up to Lol.
"We're sorry to see you go, and that you won't be joining us in our genocidal war against the Red Mutants."
"Yes, but I have to go help our people in other places."
"Is that what you do? Wander from place to place helping blue mutants to kill their enemies?"
"It's like a psychotic version of The Littlest Hobo."

-"Don't forget us!"
"How could we ever forget you, Vizi?! Or you, Catboy? Or you, Lenny! Or you... Masturbation Wizard."
"It's Vegomagus."

-"The Blue mutants give you guys some giant-owl jerky for your journey."
"And for the Vegomagus?"
"Some turnips, or apples or something."
"Not some turples? Or apnips?"
"Yeah, isn't everything hybrid in this fucking forest?"
"...Let's leave this place."

-"Using the Vegomagus' newly-aquired spell, you teleport.. to another part of the forest."
"I try again... oh, I fumbled."
"You get Senile Dementia."

-"um.. guys, with the Vegomagus as he is, should I.."
"No, Lenny!"
"I shouldn't try to heal him?"
"Oh... heal him."
"Wait.. what did you think I was going to ask?"
"I thought you were going to eat him!"
"No way!"
"So you do have limits!"
"Yeah, I'd never eat a vegan. They're not healthy."

-"We need to tie the Vegomagus to something, or he'll try to wander off."
"Anyone have a rope?"
"I have a long intestine!"

-"Hey, while the Vegomagus is like this, we should paint his face!"
"I have makeup!"
"This is like a pyjama party!"
"We should just smear his face with coal or something."
"So.. blackface??"

-"you see a stag."
"Not a StagElk or something?"
"No, you seem to have moved out of the interspecies-romance area of the Tangled Wood."

-They set up camp, in the middle of nowhere. In the middle of the night they're very suddenly beamed up to the Sun.
"I wake up screaming in terror!"

-Heidi, Roman, Captain Harry, Lady Halcon, and Republican Jesus are there in the teleport control.
"where the fuck were you people?"
"Committing genocide."
"Groovy, baby!"

-"It took you 9 entire days to commit genocide?"
"Ladies and gentlemen, the pacifist!"

-"Is mexican Jesus taking care of the hydroponics lab?"
"No, he's dead. The only Jesuses still alive are Republican Jesus and Korean Jesus."
"Yeah, but you could probably just get a new Jesus. You just have to take a pickup truck to the back of a Home Depot."

-The party members give the badly-weakened Vegomagus, blinded once again by the ambient light of the Sun, over to Mongo to play with.

-"How are we going to rescue Korean Jesus?"
"What if we have the Vegomagus challenge the Archemaster to a spell duel, as a distraction?"
"That probably wouldn't be a very long distraction."

-"Do you have acid?"
"You know, to damage people?"
"Do you mean literal acid, or the drug?"
"Whatever, either way no."

-When Sami comes looking for Anema, she's about to have sex with catboy in yet another epic mistake. Catboy hides out in Anema's closet, which turns out to be as enormous as Republican Jesus' armory.

-Sami convinces Anema not to do it with the catboy.
"Way to cockblock."

-"Vizi's plan is to convince the archemaster to join us in stopping Zozzsz, and give him the advanced magic missile spell."

-"Sami's plan is to hook up Anema with the Archemaster."
"How would you get her to want to?"
"He's pathetic."
"Yeah, but is he just pathetic like the Vegomagus? Or is he pathetic and adorable like the Catboy?"
"Ok, well, he's also really powerful though! She likes that."
"Sort of like he was a nerd with money."

-When Vizi, Roman and Republican Jesus finally get off their weed-driven delays and arrive at the armory, they find Lady Halcon there. She's piled herself up with guns, rifles, nunchuks, throwing stars and what looks like Captain America's shield.
"Hey guys, am I the only one who's just got huge wood from seeing her?"

-Sami comes to get Mongo but leaves the Vegomagus alone, and blind.

-Hours later, the Vegomagus is still wandering blindly, lost in the endless corridors of the Sun.
"Who is it??"
"It's Bort!"
"Oh thank goodness! I need help!"
"No, I need help!"
"I'm blind!"
"I've broken both my legs!"
"Is Bort played by Will Farrell?"

-The rest of the party is trying to decide between various plans.
"Ok, so plan 1 is to ally with Bolt-1. No one thinks this is a good idea except the Catboy."
"Plan 2 is to make Vegomagus fight a wizard-duel with Archemaster while we rescue Korean Jesus."
"Plan 3 is we give the scroll of Advanced Magic Missile to the Archemaster to win him over."
"Plan 4 is we use Anema to seduce the Archemaster."
"And Plan 5, courtesy of Lady Halcon is 'we just kill everyone'."

-After much more discussion, there's a tie between the plan to offer the Archemaster an alliance (with the offering of the magic missile scroll, and asking his help to defeat the Demon Zozzsz), and Lady Halcon's 'just kill everyone' plan.
"When Lady Halcon's plan came to a vote I was scared NOT to raise my hand."
"Yeah, that's how you lose a hand!"
"Damn it.. you know what this means..."
"It means the Vegomagus is the tie-breaker. We're going to have to go find him."

-Heidi flies around until he finds the Vegomagus and Bort, who are slowly trying to make their way back, the badly weakened Vegomagus dragging Bort along while Bort acts as his eyes.
"Right, I'm taking you back."
"Wait noooo don't leave me behind.. oh wait, you took me!"
"Yeah, we don't need Bort."
"I'm just not used to being the one chosen second-last."

-"well Vegomagus, which of the plans do you vote for?"
"I vote for both!"
"Goddamn it, then that's still a tie!"
"I guess we have to go get Bort."
"Bort's still alive?"
"I'm surprised. I was hearing his desperate prayers but then they stopped. I figured he was dead, but I guess he just lost all hope."

-At the end they decide to go with the plan of the alliance, though the Vegomagus wants to transcribe the scroll of advanced magic missile into his own spellbook.
"Vegomagus could go back to the Masturbation Hut in the blue mutant village. Oh no wait, we couldn't because Heidi is a Green Mutant."
"Oh yeah, by the way Heidi, your people are delicious!"

-"Hey, why don't we go to Fuck Station Aleph?"
"NO goddamnit. We're not getting any more distracted. We're putting him on a barren rock, with no side-quests."
"Cue narrator voice: there was going to be a side-quest."

-Heidi and the Vegomagus teleport to a tiny little asteroid, with a flower, a tiny volcano, and the long-dead corpse of a small well-dressed child.

-"The vegomagus left Sami 1500gp for her to try divine aid to summon him up something that would raise his intelligence. Good luck with that."
"I rolled a Natural 20."
"Seriously? OK goddamn it. A pair of fake elf-ears appear."
"I try them on."
"You feel smarter."
"Really? I would have bet the opposite."
"Well, socially more dumb."

-"Where did you get those?"
"They were summoned for me, to make me smarter."
"Wow, I haven't seen Ears of Spock in years."

-"OK, so now we go to Lol with Anema."
"Hey, where's Anema?"
"I saw her going off toward her room with the Catboy."

-"I rush to interrupt them!"
"No, they left more than a minute ago. Their activity was long since done."

-After dragging Catboy and Anema out of her bedroom, the team heads down to Lol. They end up in a market area, and find a Lolri selling ID cards.
"Ha! Catboy's ID says he's named Anesh Gupta."
"Sami is Busty St.Clair."

-"We seek an audience with the Archemaster."
"The Archemaster doesn't take walk-ins. Who are you?"
"I'm Anesh Gupta."
"He's the ambassador from Minotauria!"
"We're from the Sun!"
"Uh, yeah, Sun City, Minotauria!"

-As they're marched in by the suspicious council-guard sargeant, Sami casts Lotus Stare to hypnotize him and they shove him into a bathroom.
"Did you pull his pants down?"
"Oh, hold on one sec..."
"Did you pee on him??"
"What the fuck Vizi?! How high are you??"

-"Lenny could dress as a guard!"
"Lenny's not here, vizi."
"OK, then let's dress catboy as a guard instead."

-"You're not a very convincing guard, Catboy."
"I'll play the part.. let me escort you, sir!"
"Sami's a woman, Catboy."

-"Wait, wasn't Catboy supposed to be the Ambassador?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Heidi can be the Ambassador, I guess."
"Yeah, I have the ring."
"Yes, all ambassadors have rings!"
"No, dumbass, the ring of human control."

-They go up the lift and run into a couple of guards on the top floor.
"OK, you two are dismissed."
"Yes sir!"
"So they're gone, now where's the Archemaster?"
"Not here. You're a hallway."
"Oh. I have dismissed them too soon..."

-"Wait a minute, we can't be an embassy from Minotauria! We're not minotaurs."
"Everything about our plan so far is wrong."
"There's some more guards up ahead."
"fuck it, I just attack them!"

-The guards being slain, they run into some impressive doors.
"I kick the doors down."
"They're sliding doors."
"I kick the doors sideways."

-"This was not the plan, guys."
"It is now!"

-"We want to see the Archemaster."
"You killed those men!"
"Yeah, sorry about the mess."

-"Everyone keep your guards up."
"Vizi killed them all!"

-The Archemaster arrives.
"Hello, I'm Anema, the spirit of the Sun. I suppose you're the rich wizard?"

-The Archemaster appears interested; he asks Anema to step closer, and when she does he shouts 'now!' and beam of light shines down on the rest of the party; Sami casts divine aid to try to teleport them away, but both events seem to happen at the same time.
There's a few moments where everything seems to swirl, and then they find themselves in a place full of fog, very similar to the one the Vegomagus had been trapped in not too long ago.

-"Where the hell are we?"
"Where I was before!"
"The Masturbation Hut?"

-"No, it's the Nether Zone."
"There's no such thing as a 'nether zone'. There's the Nether Regions, but that's not where we are. This is the Neutral Zone."

-"I cast Detect Magic."
"All the mist around you is vaguely magical."
"Vaguely? Like Neutrally? Is it Neutral magic because we're in the Neutral Zone?"
"Neutral magic is the worst kind of magic!"

-"We go east."
"There is no east!"

-"I consult the King of Elfland to figure out where we are and how to get out of here."
"Hello, King of Elfland?"
"Who's this?"
"The Vegomagus!"
"Where the hell are you boy?"
"Somewhere full of mist."
"You're in the deep Neutral Zone. How the heck did you get there?"

-After a long pointless conversation with the King of Elfland, he finally tells the Vegomagus to head in a certain direction.
"Where will that lead us?"
"The Door of 16 Gates."
"What's that?"
"Good luck, boy, you're in for a mighty big side-quest."
"See you later, if you survive. Frankly, I'd be surprised."

-"Hey before you go, King, can you go to the Sun?"
"No, I'm not allowed to drive at night anymore."

-The party reaches a cave, and inside the cave has a single door, with a strange mechanism.
"It was supposed to be a cave with 16 rooms, wasn't it?"
"I guess not."
"I feel ripped off."

-The PCs realize that altering the door's mechanism changes the location to which the door opens. They check out various of these locations very cautiously. Eventually it opens up to a city, which they realize is Arkhome (after interrogating a drunken hobo). They take note of the setting and keep exploring the doors.

-At one point, they open a door to find Queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms there.
"You son of a bitch, you brought me here!"
"I did not, I just saw you in a pool and suddenly I was in a forest."
"Yeah, well, I was in the forest all cool looking for a megabomb and then this happened!"
"Wait, why were you looking for a megabomb?"
"Because I was exiled from Coolland by Harembe, after he said I was being a bad influence on Queen Zoey; but he's just totally jelly because she likes me more and he's a total liar anyways and his girlfriend probably gave him chlamydia!"

-They open the next door and see a lush fertile land, with a golden castle in the distance and a stunning rainbow.
"I kick Priscilla through the doorway and close the door really fast."
"Damn it, Sami, we could have explored that one!"
"This was more important. Even I'm not that desperate for a female friend."

-"I thought it was good to see Priscilla again for a moment. You know, just as a reminder that things can always get worse."

-The last door setting left is a lush verdant arcadia that looks paradisical.
"Ok, that one is DEFINITELY a trap. We're done here."

-Just in case, Sami does Divine Aid, and G.O.D. confirms that going to Arkhome is the fastest way to get the job done.  With that, the PCs step through, hoping there won't be another side quest, though fairly sure there will be.

That's it for this time. Stay tuned next time for more DCC awesomeness!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Fox's St. James Flake

PS: the "door" in this adventure is from RPGPundit Presents #25: The Door of 16 Gates. Available now!