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Friday 1 June 2018

DCC Campaign Update: He Should be Well Into the Masturbation Phase

In our last session, the "heroes" (using that term extremely loosely) had returned to the Sun only to discover that Mongo's pet bunny Carl was actually a polymorphed rabbit-demon who had been infiltrated into the Sun to try to stop the PCs from reaching the Crown of Creation. While the PCs were away he transformed and went on a rampage, killing most of the Jesuses that protect Anema (the spirit of the sun). Korean Jesus had managed to escape with Mongo, to the floating city of Lol, where the PCs are personas non grata. They went there anyways, and after some complications managed to rescue Mongo. But they learned that Korean Jesus was a prisoner of the Archemagus!


-The Vegomagus had fled from the fight with the Wraith Prince, and got himself lost in the barren lands of Zozzsz; then he accidentally got sucked into a gate to the Neutral Zone. After an unknown period of time in the Neutral Zone, he found a strange pool, where he saw a reflected image of a hideous grey humanoid he didn't recognize (though the PCs knew it was Priscilla, the exiled  chav queen of the Grey Realms). When they both touched the pool at the same time, their positions were switched and he suddenly found himself lost in the middle of a deep forest.

-"You see a group of about a half dozen young teenage green mutant barbarians."
"um.. hello?"
"What the hell is that thing?!"
"Oh yeah, they're looking at the vegomagus, who due to mutations and other accidents now has a totally transparent face, pustulent sores all over his body, and cybernetic eyes."
"I don't know. Kill it!"
"No, wait, I come in peace!"
"He comes in peace! Kill him!"
"I'm a Vegan!"
"He's Vegan! Now we really need to kill him!"

-Meanwhile, the rest of the party is on Lol, trying to figure out how they're going to deal with the Archemaster. Suddenly, St. Lennny the Cannibal has a vision.
"Wait! One of our people needs us!"

-Lenny puts his hands on the two people next to him, who happen to be Vizi and the Catboy, and they're instantly teleported next to Vegomagus.
"Oh shit, you brought us here for him?!"
"Sorry! I still have no idea how to control my saint powers!"

-"So the Vegomagus is being chased by rock-throwing pre-pubescent savages?"
"Vizi fires a shot into the air with his gun."
"It's a wizard, run away!!"

-"That's ironic because the Vegomagus is supposedly a real wizard, but they were chasing him."
"I also had an AK-47."
"So you could have scared them off without even casting real magic."
"I'm really more of a coward than a wizard."

-"Lenny ran off when he saw the mutants coming."
"Oh shit. He's our trip home."
"Wait... that was Lenny?!"
"He's a saint now."
"What? How?"
"He ate all the Jesuses he could."
"That's our life now."

-The Vegomagus summons an eagle, but it came out derpy and flies off.

-The PCs hear Lenny's screams and find he's being chased by a huge bearowl.
"Do you mean owlbear?"
"No, they're bearowls. Bearowls don't violate copyright."

-"I hide behind the tree for cover as I fire at the bearowl."
"Why? In case the bearowl is packing heat?"

-"Are you feeling the irony, Lenny?"
"There's nothing ironic about this! The bearowl is trying to kill and eat me! That's just wrong!"

-They beat the bearowl, but Lenny is badly wounded.
"You're a saint, can't you heal yourself?"
"I don't know. Maybe I don't believe in myself enough."

-The Vegomagus' eagle comes back and deposits a dead mouse at his feet.
"It failed it's tracking roll."
"Wait, is that an intelligent eagle?"
"No, it's really dumb."

-"I don't know how my powers work. I was a blue mutant and now I'm a human and a saint. I'm super confused. Are you there, G.O.D.? It's me.. Lenny!"

-After an hour of marching, the Vegomagus' derpy eagle vanishes.
"Should I summon another one?"
"why the hell would you do that??"

-Catboy scouted ahead, he hears some strange noises. He approaches cautiously only to find a bear and a giant owl engaging in carnal relations.
"Guys, let's go another way."
"You don't want to know?"
"What is it?"
"There's a bear and an owl.. making a bearowl."
"Huh? But... wouldn't the owl explode?"
"It's a giant owl."
"Wait.. does this mean.. if you're a catboy, does that mean a cat and a boy...eww!"

-"We shall never speak of this again."

-"I don't know you guys, they might be done. I smell cigarette smoke coming from over there."
"Apparently bears do much more than just shit in the wood."

-"Can't you teleport us back, Lenny?"
"I don't know how. I just had this feeling and then we teleported here. I didn't know it was to save the Vegomagus."
"I'm right here. And I thought we were Weird-Eating Buddies!"
"What? Look, cannibalism is one thing, but what you do is disgusting!"

-The PCs find a river, and camp out there for the night. That night, the catboy and vegomagus see this creature like a large sea bass covered in sharp spines, with eight grotesque spider-legs coming out of the water and right for them.
"What the hell is that thing?"
"It's a giant spindly killer-fish!"

-Vizi kills the fish-spider.
"Don't eat it, Lenny!"
"I won't. It's not intelligent."
"I'm not sure about that. I mean, it did try to kill the catboy."
"Yeah, it's retarded."

-"So far we've learned to camp away from the water's edge, to avoid the giant spindly killer fish."
"Yeah, and never to cockblock a bear and a giant owl."

-Vizi spots a couple of blue mutant maidens in the forest.
"Hey, I'm a blue!"
"Think of the owl and the bear."
"That's not helping."

-He heads over to the maidens.
"Hey ladies!"
"An outlander! Run!"
"God dammit. I should shoot one in the leg."
"Holy shit, dude! What's wrong with you?"
"It would only be a crippling shot; I'm not an animal! I was trying to be a really nice guy with them!"
"Is Vizi an Incel?"
"I'm just in a bad mood from weed-drawl."

-Allowing the maidens to run away, they keep following the river, and end up spotting a blue mutant grandpa and his young grandson fishing.
"Grandpa, why do we fish with nets?"
"Shut up, Billy!"

-"Hi! I'm Vizi. I'm travelling here, but I'm a blue mutant like you. I'm here with three non-blues, one of them is a vegan."
"What's a vegan, grandpa?"
"A sick fuck who only eats soy, Billy!"
"Also, a catboy."
"That's cool!"
"No it's not Billy!"

-"That one's scary, grandpa!"
"Don't be afraid of the Vegomagus, he's defenseless."
"That's true, I am!"

-"I would just like to say, I don't come from a cat and a human."
"There's a child present, you sick fuck."

-"Try to multiply their fishes, Lenny!"
"Just think of being hungry."
"Shit, I just might make another Billy then."

-After the fishing is finally done, they go to the Blue Mutant Village.
"What have you brought with you, Grandpa?"
"A blue mutant from far away, and he's brought some friends with him."
"I'm catboy!"
"I'm a Wizard! Really!"

-"I am Chief Salamar the Unispiring. These are my two younger sons, Warlix the Shrewd and Jorbolm Swiftaxe. Toromar, my older son, is around here somewhere, but he's had nothing but romance on his mind since he got engaged. He is like a mighty bear who has met his giant owl!"

-"Do fish fuck spiders? Is that how you get the giant spindly killer-fish?"
"Good question!"

-"We have been feuding with the Green Mutants since the dawn of our memory. Since their chief Solorax the Perverted was caught making love to our chief's most attractive cow."
"Was he trying to make a mancow?"

-The PCs are invited to the Chief's son's wedding.
"The Vegomagus wants a place for himself with no distractions, for 7 days."
"That's what we do in our tribe with our mentally ill!"
"Yes, that's his problem."

-"This is my brother, Warbolg the Mad. He thinks invisible elves speak to him."
"You people know what I'm saying is true, don't you?? They're watching everything we do!"
"Warbolg is the Alex Jones of the Blue Mutants."

-"The Vegomagus wants to be alone because he's going to cast Invoke Patron."
"I'm going to peek in and look... hey, it's true! He's really trying to Invoke Patron, he's not just masturbating!"

-Warlix is trying to convince the Catboy to murder his older brother Toromar, so that Warlix would inherit the Chiefdom. But the catboy isn't really convinced, until he hears Toromar singing songs of woo to his fiance.
"Yeah, ok, we're going to kill this guy."

-Before they head to the sacred mushroom grove where the wedding will take place, the Chief asks the PCs to leave their weapons behind, as it's tradition.
"I'm going to secretly hide my pistol."
"They never saw me use my lightsaber, so they won't even know it's a weapon. I'll keep that on me."
"And I'll just keep my big machine gun."

-"Guys, the Vegomagus still isn't masturbating in that hut!"
"That's a bad sign, by now he should be well into the masturbation phase!"

-The Blue mutant shaman pulls a rabbit out of a basket, to prove his magical power. Then he pulls a stone out of the back of the Catboy's ear!
"Blue mutants are pretty easily impressed."

-At the wedding, the Green Mutants attack the ceremony! Worse, they kill the ceremonial chicken!
"The Ceremonial Chicken was an essential part of the wedding. It's premature death means that this wedding is ill-omened."

-Vizi kills one green mutant, and the rest all run away.

-Toromar's wedding is ruined.
"We have to go to the Green Mutant village and slaughter them all!"
"OK, sure, but we should go get some weapons first, maybe?"

-The Green Mutants got to the Blue Mutant village first, and burn down the chief's hut. They also try to get into the mad-hut, but the Vegomagus casually sleep-runes one of them and they all run away.

-"The Green Mutants burned our father's hut! We must murder them all!"
"I can't wait to eat those green mutants!"

-The party and the Blue mutants get to the village, eager to kill everyone (as Warlix ordered), but the village is only full of old men, women and children. The men have all gone on a hunting expedition.

-Vizi finds the green mutant Wise Woman. She promises to share her knowledge of herbalism with Vizi if he'll spare her.
"I have herbal potions here that could make anyone fall in love with you. I use them to seduce the young men of the village to have sex with me, on account of my being so old and hideous."
"Yeah yeah, I used to that too when I was a shaman."
"Oh, so you like young men as well?"

-"Look, have you got any idea how to stop this war? Because right now the plan is to kill every single green mutant. What about a marriage between a green mutant and blue mutant?"
"I don't think that would work."
"Why the hell not? Everyone else in this goddamn forest is doing inter-species romance!"
"So you are saying that the green mutants are like the mighty bear, and the blue mutants like the great giant owl?"

-"OK, this is too hard. I'm just going to go along and kill all of your people"

-The wise woman tries to stab Vizi, but he kills her with his light saber.
"Ok, fuck it, kill everyone!"

-"I tried..."
"Yeah, you half-assed tried to find a solution, and then you just killed everyone."
"Well, I tried doing things the Heidi way, but it just doesn't work!"

-They tie up some of the green mutant corpses along the wall to make it look like everything is normal.
"I'll just be in here... cooking."
"Good, a cooking fire will make it look like everything is normal."
"Yay, I'm helping!"

-"I like how the absence of the Vegomagus hasn't affected the party's effectiveness at all."
"Of course, you haven't found any great dangers."
"Only moral challenges, which you've all failed."

-Vizis plan actually works, they take the green mutants by surprise and slaughter most of them, though some try to run for it.
"Did you see that? I tried to shoot that one guy in the leg but I ended up blowing his head off instead!"

-"We are finally free of this generations-long war! Now, we can finally make war against the Red Mutants to the south!"
"You hate them now?"
"We always hated them, just not as much as we hated the Green Mutants."
"What did they do, fuck a pig?"
"No, they just think they're better than us."

-"I'm writing 'the vegomagus did this' on all the walls of the green mutant village."
"Yes! Guys, carve a V on every body you find."
"I hate you guys!"
"Sorry, but you're not here."

-Warlix still wants to kill his older brother, but the catboy is no longer interested.
"I could give you a bag of gems!"
"Nah. The Vegomagus might want that."
"The Vegomagus is not competent, you are."
"Thank you! But no."

-"Are you going to tell me about Warlix's gems?"
"Goddamnit. I could have used those gems!"
"Sorry, but you're 'not competent' like me!"

-As if to prove his competence, the Vegomagus completes his ritual of Patron Bond. Then as if to prove his incompetence, he selects the King of Elfland as his patron.
"Are you with Bill the Elf?"

-"What gift are you going to give me to accept you as a patron?"
"Um... a scroll of fire resistance?"
"What would I want that for? I have full coverage!"
"What about Lokerimon's?"
"That's the lamest spell. You have a lot of problems young man."

-"I have a wand of detect agate!"
"Agate? Who's that?"
"It's a gem."
"I knew a girl named Agatha once... she was quite the looker!"

-"How did you get a Celestial-Blessed Sword?"
"I was in the Sun."
"Are you planning to go to the Crown of Creation? That's extremely ambitious for a young fellow with such crappy items!"

-"OK, I'll accept you. Take this gift: They're Boots of Running. You're going to need them, boy!"

-"Would you want followers?"
"If you could find some really competent person; but there aren't many of those around what with the young people these days and their hippety-hoppety music!"

-"Well, it's time for my nap now, so I guess we're done for the moment. Oh, but just remember this... zzzzz"

And at that point, with the Vegomagus' new Patron (the good old King of Elfland), we're also done for now. Stay tuned for more DCC excitement!


Currently Smoking: Raliegh Volcano + Fox's Hibernia Mix

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