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Sunday 17 June 2018

DCC Campaign Update: The Masturbation Hut

In our last session... well, actually, our last session was a complete sidebar because half the party was missing. But the point is that half the party was still down on the surface of the world of the Last Sun, having just helped one tribe of mutants murder another tribe of mutants. The other half was up on the Sun.


-"When I get up to Lol I'm going to try to find something good to buy with my credits!"
"There's nothing to buy on Lol! It's in ruins!"
"When we last went to Lol it was cool. Now it's basically sky-Venezuela."

-"So how far is the Azure Tower from here?"
"250 feet?"
"What? That has to be wrong."
"I know, I'm just making up stuff now."

-"You notice that in his time here, Lenny has gained a lot of weight."

-The Vegomagus calls for the PCs.
"Vegomagus? Who's that?"
"He's still alive? I thought he was dead."
"No, he's been in the Masturbation Hut all this time."
"You mean the Mad Hut?"
"They've renamed it in his honor."

-"Come into my hut for a moment."
"OK, but I'm leaving the door open so no one thinks we're doing anything weird."

-"The Vegomagus is totally wasted and emaciated by spellburn."
"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"

-The PCs plan to leave for the Azure Tower in the hopes of getting teleported back up to Lol.
"We're sorry to see you go, and that you won't be joining us in our genocidal war against the Red Mutants."
"Yes, but I have to go help our people in other places."
"Is that what you do? Wander from place to place helping blue mutants to kill their enemies?"
"It's like a psychotic version of The Littlest Hobo."

-"Don't forget us!"
"How could we ever forget you, Vizi?! Or you, Catboy? Or you, Lenny! Or you... Masturbation Wizard."
"It's Vegomagus."

-"The Blue mutants give you guys some giant-owl jerky for your journey."
"And for the Vegomagus?"
"Some turnips, or apples or something."
"Not some turples? Or apnips?"
"Yeah, isn't everything hybrid in this fucking forest?"
"...Let's leave this place."

-"Using the Vegomagus' newly-aquired spell, you teleport.. to another part of the forest."
"I try again... oh, I fumbled."
"You get Senile Dementia."

-"um.. guys, with the Vegomagus as he is, should I.."
"No, Lenny!"
"I shouldn't try to heal him?"
"Oh... heal him."
"Wait.. what did you think I was going to ask?"
"I thought you were going to eat him!"
"No way!"
"So you do have limits!"
"Yeah, I'd never eat a vegan. They're not healthy."

-"We need to tie the Vegomagus to something, or he'll try to wander off."
"Anyone have a rope?"
"I have a long intestine!"

-"Hey, while the Vegomagus is like this, we should paint his face!"
"I have makeup!"
"This is like a pyjama party!"
"We should just smear his face with coal or something."
"So.. blackface??"

-"you see a stag."
"Not a StagElk or something?"
"No, you seem to have moved out of the interspecies-romance area of the Tangled Wood."

-They set up camp, in the middle of nowhere. In the middle of the night they're very suddenly beamed up to the Sun.
"I wake up screaming in terror!"

-Heidi, Roman, Captain Harry, Lady Halcon, and Republican Jesus are there in the teleport control.
"where the fuck were you people?"
"Committing genocide."
"Groovy, baby!"

-"It took you 9 entire days to commit genocide?"
"Ladies and gentlemen, the pacifist!"

-"Is mexican Jesus taking care of the hydroponics lab?"
"No, he's dead. The only Jesuses still alive are Republican Jesus and Korean Jesus."
"Yeah, but you could probably just get a new Jesus. You just have to take a pickup truck to the back of a Home Depot."

-The party members give the badly-weakened Vegomagus, blinded once again by the ambient light of the Sun, over to Mongo to play with.

-"How are we going to rescue Korean Jesus?"
"What if we have the Vegomagus challenge the Archemaster to a spell duel, as a distraction?"
"That probably wouldn't be a very long distraction."

-"Do you have acid?"
"You know, to damage people?"
"Do you mean literal acid, or the drug?"
"Whatever, either way no."

-When Sami comes looking for Anema, she's about to have sex with catboy in yet another epic mistake. Catboy hides out in Anema's closet, which turns out to be as enormous as Republican Jesus' armory.

-Sami convinces Anema not to do it with the catboy.
"Way to cockblock."

-"Vizi's plan is to convince the archemaster to join us in stopping Zozzsz, and give him the advanced magic missile spell."

-"Sami's plan is to hook up Anema with the Archemaster."
"How would you get her to want to?"
"He's pathetic."
"Yeah, but is he just pathetic like the Vegomagus? Or is he pathetic and adorable like the Catboy?"
"Ok, well, he's also really powerful though! She likes that."
"Sort of like he was a nerd with money."

-When Vizi, Roman and Republican Jesus finally get off their weed-driven delays and arrive at the armory, they find Lady Halcon there. She's piled herself up with guns, rifles, nunchuks, throwing stars and what looks like Captain America's shield.
"Hey guys, am I the only one who's just got huge wood from seeing her?"

-Sami comes to get Mongo but leaves the Vegomagus alone, and blind.

-Hours later, the Vegomagus is still wandering blindly, lost in the endless corridors of the Sun.
"Who is it??"
"It's Bort!"
"Oh thank goodness! I need help!"
"No, I need help!"
"I'm blind!"
"I've broken both my legs!"
"Is Bort played by Will Farrell?"

-The rest of the party is trying to decide between various plans.
"Ok, so plan 1 is to ally with Bolt-1. No one thinks this is a good idea except the Catboy."
"Plan 2 is to make Vegomagus fight a wizard-duel with Archemaster while we rescue Korean Jesus."
"Plan 3 is we give the scroll of Advanced Magic Missile to the Archemaster to win him over."
"Plan 4 is we use Anema to seduce the Archemaster."
"And Plan 5, courtesy of Lady Halcon is 'we just kill everyone'."

-After much more discussion, there's a tie between the plan to offer the Archemaster an alliance (with the offering of the magic missile scroll, and asking his help to defeat the Demon Zozzsz), and Lady Halcon's 'just kill everyone' plan.
"When Lady Halcon's plan came to a vote I was scared NOT to raise my hand."
"Yeah, that's how you lose a hand!"
"Damn it.. you know what this means..."
"It means the Vegomagus is the tie-breaker. We're going to have to go find him."

-Heidi flies around until he finds the Vegomagus and Bort, who are slowly trying to make their way back, the badly weakened Vegomagus dragging Bort along while Bort acts as his eyes.
"Right, I'm taking you back."
"Wait noooo don't leave me behind.. oh wait, you took me!"
"Yeah, we don't need Bort."
"I'm just not used to being the one chosen second-last."

-"well Vegomagus, which of the plans do you vote for?"
"I vote for both!"
"Goddamn it, then that's still a tie!"
"I guess we have to go get Bort."
"Bort's still alive?"
"I'm surprised. I was hearing his desperate prayers but then they stopped. I figured he was dead, but I guess he just lost all hope."

-At the end they decide to go with the plan of the alliance, though the Vegomagus wants to transcribe the scroll of advanced magic missile into his own spellbook.
"Vegomagus could go back to the Masturbation Hut in the blue mutant village. Oh no wait, we couldn't because Heidi is a Green Mutant."
"Oh yeah, by the way Heidi, your people are delicious!"

-"Hey, why don't we go to Fuck Station Aleph?"
"NO goddamnit. We're not getting any more distracted. We're putting him on a barren rock, with no side-quests."
"Cue narrator voice: there was going to be a side-quest."

-Heidi and the Vegomagus teleport to a tiny little asteroid, with a flower, a tiny volcano, and the long-dead corpse of a small well-dressed child.

-"The vegomagus left Sami 1500gp for her to try divine aid to summon him up something that would raise his intelligence. Good luck with that."
"I rolled a Natural 20."
"Seriously? OK goddamn it. A pair of fake elf-ears appear."
"I try them on."
"You feel smarter."
"Really? I would have bet the opposite."
"Well, socially more dumb."

-"Where did you get those?"
"They were summoned for me, to make me smarter."
"Wow, I haven't seen Ears of Spock in years."

-"OK, so now we go to Lol with Anema."
"Hey, where's Anema?"
"I saw her going off toward her room with the Catboy."

-"I rush to interrupt them!"
"No, they left more than a minute ago. Their activity was long since done."

-After dragging Catboy and Anema out of her bedroom, the team heads down to Lol. They end up in a market area, and find a Lolri selling ID cards.
"Ha! Catboy's ID says he's named Anesh Gupta."
"Sami is Busty St.Clair."

-"We seek an audience with the Archemaster."
"The Archemaster doesn't take walk-ins. Who are you?"
"I'm Anesh Gupta."
"He's the ambassador from Minotauria!"
"We're from the Sun!"
"Uh, yeah, Sun City, Minotauria!"

-As they're marched in by the suspicious council-guard sargeant, Sami casts Lotus Stare to hypnotize him and they shove him into a bathroom.
"Did you pull his pants down?"
"Oh, hold on one sec..."
"Did you pee on him??"
"What the fuck Vizi?! How high are you??"

-"Lenny could dress as a guard!"
"Lenny's not here, vizi."
"OK, then let's dress catboy as a guard instead."

-"You're not a very convincing guard, Catboy."
"I'll play the part.. let me escort you, sir!"
"Sami's a woman, Catboy."

-"Wait, wasn't Catboy supposed to be the Ambassador?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Heidi can be the Ambassador, I guess."
"Yeah, I have the ring."
"Yes, all ambassadors have rings!"
"No, dumbass, the ring of human control."

-They go up the lift and run into a couple of guards on the top floor.
"OK, you two are dismissed."
"Yes sir!"
"So they're gone, now where's the Archemaster?"
"Not here. You're a hallway."
"Oh. I have dismissed them too soon..."

-"Wait a minute, we can't be an embassy from Minotauria! We're not minotaurs."
"Everything about our plan so far is wrong."
"There's some more guards up ahead."
"fuck it, I just attack them!"

-The guards being slain, they run into some impressive doors.
"I kick the doors down."
"They're sliding doors."
"I kick the doors sideways."

-"This was not the plan, guys."
"It is now!"

-"We want to see the Archemaster."
"You killed those men!"
"Yeah, sorry about the mess."

-"Everyone keep your guards up."
"Vizi killed them all!"

-The Archemaster arrives.
"Hello, I'm Anema, the spirit of the Sun. I suppose you're the rich wizard?"

-The Archemaster appears interested; he asks Anema to step closer, and when she does he shouts 'now!' and beam of light shines down on the rest of the party; Sami casts divine aid to try to teleport them away, but both events seem to happen at the same time.
There's a few moments where everything seems to swirl, and then they find themselves in a place full of fog, very similar to the one the Vegomagus had been trapped in not too long ago.

-"Where the hell are we?"
"Where I was before!"
"The Masturbation Hut?"

-"No, it's the Nether Zone."
"There's no such thing as a 'nether zone'. There's the Nether Regions, but that's not where we are. This is the Neutral Zone."

-"I cast Detect Magic."
"All the mist around you is vaguely magical."
"Vaguely? Like Neutrally? Is it Neutral magic because we're in the Neutral Zone?"
"Neutral magic is the worst kind of magic!"

-"We go east."
"There is no east!"

-"I consult the King of Elfland to figure out where we are and how to get out of here."
"Hello, King of Elfland?"
"Who's this?"
"The Vegomagus!"
"Where the hell are you boy?"
"Somewhere full of mist."
"You're in the deep Neutral Zone. How the heck did you get there?"

-After a long pointless conversation with the King of Elfland, he finally tells the Vegomagus to head in a certain direction.
"Where will that lead us?"
"The Door of 16 Gates."
"What's that?"
"Good luck, boy, you're in for a mighty big side-quest."
"See you later, if you survive. Frankly, I'd be surprised."

-"Hey before you go, King, can you go to the Sun?"
"No, I'm not allowed to drive at night anymore."

-The party reaches a cave, and inside the cave has a single door, with a strange mechanism.
"It was supposed to be a cave with 16 rooms, wasn't it?"
"I guess not."
"I feel ripped off."

-The PCs realize that altering the door's mechanism changes the location to which the door opens. They check out various of these locations very cautiously. Eventually it opens up to a city, which they realize is Arkhome (after interrogating a drunken hobo). They take note of the setting and keep exploring the doors.

-At one point, they open a door to find Queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms there.
"You son of a bitch, you brought me here!"
"I did not, I just saw you in a pool and suddenly I was in a forest."
"Yeah, well, I was in the forest all cool looking for a megabomb and then this happened!"
"Wait, why were you looking for a megabomb?"
"Because I was exiled from Coolland by Harembe, after he said I was being a bad influence on Queen Zoey; but he's just totally jelly because she likes me more and he's a total liar anyways and his girlfriend probably gave him chlamydia!"

-They open the next door and see a lush fertile land, with a golden castle in the distance and a stunning rainbow.
"I kick Priscilla through the doorway and close the door really fast."
"Damn it, Sami, we could have explored that one!"
"This was more important. Even I'm not that desperate for a female friend."

-"I thought it was good to see Priscilla again for a moment. You know, just as a reminder that things can always get worse."

-The last door setting left is a lush verdant arcadia that looks paradisical.
"Ok, that one is DEFINITELY a trap. We're done here."

-Just in case, Sami does Divine Aid, and G.O.D. confirms that going to Arkhome is the fastest way to get the job done.  With that, the PCs step through, hoping there won't be another side quest, though fairly sure there will be.

That's it for this time. Stay tuned next time for more DCC awesomeness!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Fox's St. James Flake

PS: the "door" in this adventure is from RPGPundit Presents #25: The Door of 16 Gates. Available now!


  1. This whole scene with Vegomagus and Bort just reminds me of the G.I.Joe movie where Roadblock is blind and Cobra Commander is slowly turning into a snake with no legs trying to guide him.