DCC Campaign Update: I'm Starting to Hope the Next Encounter Kills Us

In our last session, the PCs had been stuck for in the Neutral Zone, and then figured out that one of 16 possible planar gates in a magic door would lead to Arkhome. Since it was the only place they recognized, they stepped through.

Now:

-"We need to kill the Archmaster. Just fucking kill him!"
"Wow, tough words from the Vegomagus."
"Do you eat meat now?"
"No, I literally can't."
"Fish?"
"No, that's meat."
"What about a guy in a wheelchair?"
"WTF, dude?!"

-They're hiding out in an alley on a level that seems to be a lower-class market.
"Snail kebabs! Snail kebabs!"
"Shouldn't we at least try to explore this snail thing?"
"No."

-"We need to go back to the Sun."
"Why?"
"The Archemaster has Anema."
"Oh yeah... I don't trust her."

-"We have to kill the Archemaster!"
"You just want his shit."

-Sami uses Divine Aid to send a message to Republican Jesus.
"So... I'm basically sending an email?"
"Yes."
"So...?"
"No answer yet."
"It got stuck in his spam box."

-"Fuck it, we're going to get some snail kebabs."

-"Four snail kebabs please, and.. do you have something vegetarian?"
"An onion on a stick."
"Perfect!"
"Do you have anything to drink?"
"Snail juice."
"Five of those please."

-"Here, Vegomagus, we know you can't eat animals so we got you an onion on a stick. And some snail juice!"
"Awesome. I keep the snail juice."
"What? Why? Isn't it poisonous for you?"
"Summoning component, fuck yeah!"

-"No one in this group has died in ages."
"You just had to say that..."

-"We've been on this quest for like, a year and half of real time."
"Yeah, well, how long was the quest to reset G.O.D.?"
"Oh, like ages, since Ackbasha first appeared."
"The vast majority of this 5-year long campaign has been just the quest to reset G.O.D. and then this quest... which is basically to reset G.O.D. again."
"It's 'Reset G.O.D. II: Because we Fucked it up the First Time!'"

-The PCs have lingered too long eating their snail-kebabs, and are spotted by a patrol of Halconlords.
"Identify yourselves!"
"Hi, I'm Anesh Gupta..."
"Stop saying that!"
"What? It's on my ID!"

-The Halconlords see the PCs are armed, which is apparently illegal for non-Halconlords in the city, and draw their weapons.
"Ok, let's co-operate and disarm."
"Nah, I'm just going to kill one."
"Goddamnit, Vizi."

-Combat begins, and in one round everyone gets a fumble!
"I didn't get a fumble!"
"That's because you chose not to do anything."
"I still win."

-Sami and Catboy take off, while the rest are gradually killing the Halconlords.
"Why would the Halconlords do this?"

-Sami is hovering near a roof, when an old man starts coming up from a trap door.
"That's probably the Resistance!"
"Are you a cleric?"
"Yes, old man!"
"Can you cure my arthritis?"
"...He's not the Resistance."

-"Damn it Halconlord, why won't you die!?"
"You're shooting at him with a stun gun, Heidi."

-Catboy gets into a sniper position, and gets a critical 20 to shoot one of the Halconlords.
"Again, Catboy is competent only when no one was looking."
"Sami was there!"
"I was busy curing the old man's arthritis."

-"We can't fuck up Arkhome, it's already a shithole!"

-"Try to hide your weapons, guys."
"I have a gatling gun!"
"I have a railgun."

-The party is moving up the tower, trying to find a way out. They run into some more guards; so Heidi tosses a flash grenade their way, blinding most of them.
"Can I backstab?"
"Yes."
"Hitting blind people is the Catboy's great challenge."

-Vizi fumbles and damages his light-saber.
"I pull out my minigun. This is what you guys get for breaking my light saber!"
"You broke it yourself!"

-Vizi fires 60 rounds, hits nothing.
"Suppresing fire!"

-Sami and catboy fled from the fight again, heading back down the stairs, but now there's Halconlords coming up their way. She turns back to see Vizi, the only one who didn't retreat on time, getting attacked by five guys.
"Halp!"

-"Have the others all gone back up?"
"yes, the all passed you. Sami is flying with her jetpack, Catboy is clining to her, and Vegomagus has his boots of speed."
"That means they're all right next to that C4 I left at the level entrance?"
"Yes, they're all right next to the high explosive. Tempted?"

-Rather than blow everyone up, Heidi tosses the trigger for the C4 to Catboy. When everyone is far enough away Catboy activates the charge and blows up the entrance and the stairs.
"Huh. Now that I think about it, we could have used the C4 to make a hole in the outer wall."

-With the last remaining C4 pack, they blow the wall & make a new window. They fly out and up into the desolate desert.
"OK, so either there was some kind of barrier in Arkhome that made communication impossible, and now Republican Jesus will come and save us... or Lady Halcon went apeshit in the Sun and killed everyone."
"Or the Archemaster, who got up to the Sun with Anema because you cockblocked me, which was a really bad idea."
"You're really salty about that, huh?"

-"Hey, remember when we said stopping Sezrekhan was 'urgent'?"
"Yeah, that was 8 months ago."

-"Do you think Harry or Roman betrayed us?"
"Or maybe they're stuck in the hydroponics lab?"
"Oh, shit."
"I was going to teleport those guys... but then I got high!"

-Increasingly desperate, Sami tries to contact Lady Halcon. Once again, no reply. While they wait, Sami uses her sonic tool to fix Vizi's light saber.
"Wow, Sami. You're really good with your hands!"
"It's not a joke if it's true."

-"We have to camp out at night."
"We have no camping gear, or anything to make a fire with."
"...we could huddle for warmth."
"No... fuck that."

-The party finds an abandoned desert-nomad camp and use it for shelter.
"What are we doing?"
"I'll do a watch with Sami so we can talk about our feelings... um, really manly feelings!"
"I don't want a gay best friend, Vizi."
"I'm not gay!"
"You're overcompensating and have been for some time."

-"Vizi & Sami are both distracted; Vizi by talking about feelings and Sami by trying to shut out the whole world to ignore Vizi. So they totally miss the 200 goblins who sneak attack."

-Vizi tosses High Explosive Grenades at the Goblin bosses, blowing up a bunch of them.
"So, as I was saying, there was this old woman at the green mutant village..."
"I just fly away."
"Fuck you, Sami!"

-Vizi is bombarded by sling bullets.
"I crawl into Heidi's tent."
"We all knew that was going to happen sooner or later."

-"Sami is too high to be hit by the slingers right now."
"Funny, because usually Vizi is the one that's too high."

-Sami fumbles her divine aid, and gets a message on her tablet: "We've updated our system: Do you want to accept that All is Sezrekhan? YES/MAYBE LATER".
"oh shit!"

-"How long would it take Heidi to put on his armor?"
"At least 30 rounds."
"Ok, I start."

-Sami casts Sanctuary and then flies down in front of Heidi's tent, to find Heidi getting dressed and Vizi crawling around on the floor.
"...this is not what it looks like, Sami. Heidi is just half-undressed while I'm examining myself."

-Sami heals Vizi and he uses his minigun to take out 60 goblins in one shot.
"You bastards interrupted me while I was telling Sami my life story!"

-Vegomagus summons Elfland troops, and they finally drive away the remaining goblins.
"OK, my armor is on, where are the goblins?"
"They left like 3 minutes ago, Heidi."

-The next morning the PCs wake up to find Vizi has surrounded the camp with dozens of staked goblin-heads, and painted "Vegomagus was here" in blood on the sand.
"Look guys, I tidied up!"
"Man, I should have listened to what Vizi was saying to me last night."
"Yeah, I think it was a cry for help."

-Sami sends her fourth message out, this time to Lenny.
"Where the fuck are you people?!"

-The party comes across a caravan of Desert Nomads.
"Can you tell us what's around here, other than Arkhome?"
"North of here is Northern Fortress, ruled by a pair of giants. Northeast is City of the Mad."
"Oooh we should go there!"
"No."

-"You do not want go with us to Arkhome?"
"No, thank you."
"Yeah, we did Arkhome already."
"Veni, vidi, fuck it."

-Moving on, the team continues north. The next night, Vizi gets chatty in the guard watch with Vegomagus.
"So, do you consider a toothpick food?"
"WTF, are you channeling BOLT-0?"

-"I'm starting to hope the next encounter kills us."

-"Do a perception check."
"Remember that I have IR Cyber-eyes."
"OK, right. Roll."
"Natural 1"
"You're staring right at the fire and are effectively blind."

-After a brief encounter with a group of hobgoblins, some kind of planar gate appears and Roman steps out. He's wearing a leather jacket and has half his head shaved.
"Where the fuck were you people?"
"Where the fuck were we? Where the fuck were you the last four days?"
"Where were you guys the last seven weeks?!"
"Seven weeks? Oh... right, time goes differently in the Neutral Zone."

-"While you were gone we already freed Korean Jesus, and some other crazy wizard trapped in the Eternity Pit."
"Oh, it's Pertinax, remember him? Bill drove him insane!"
"Now we've found the Derpy Horse of Destiny and have amassed an army to invade the realm of Zozzsz."
"wow."
"yeah, we bypassed like seven side-quests by not being there!"
"And we were strangely more effective without you guys in our group."

-"Wait! I only need 3xp to level up! We need one more side-quest!"
"No more sidequests! We are on the main approach!"

-"So you found the Derpy Horse?"
"Yes, the latest generation. It's become so degraded from inbreeding that now it's a reverse centaur."

-The party steps through to an area just north of the sea of glass that was once the Furry Plain, where a large army of troops from Goldhalcon and Halconlord forces and a variety of other forces have amassed. They meet Pertinax, who looks like a total wreck compared to the last time he was seen in the campaign.
"What's wrong with this guy?"
"I have seen into the darkness, and his name is Bill."
"One day with Bill the Elf and this is the result."

That's it for today. Stay tuned next time for the invasion of the Demon Realms of Zozzsz!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Gawith's St.James' Flake