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Saturday 28 December 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Cast Mend on My Ass

In our last session, the PCs had ended up in a floating island known as Smuggler's Cove. They're waiting there to meet with their old friend, the renowned pilot Blitzkrieg Sakomano, and his ship (the Superfly II), which is the only skyship capable of reaching the Sky-shield (so they can attend the Death Race 3001, mostly for the XP).


-The PCs are approached by a posh elf in a fancy looking Edwardian suit.
"Who are you?"
"Oh, terribly sorry. I'm Neville Neville, 13th Earl of Starsclyde."
"What the hell do you want?"
"I was wondering if you'd be at all interested in going on what I believe they call a side-quest?"

-"We don't even have a ship. I mean, we have this bus, but we don't own it."
"What is this side-quest anyways?"
"Well I'll tell you: it's damned bloody interesting!"
"...OK, let's do it!"
"You son of a bitch, I'm in!"

-"Is it a heist?"
"Of a sort."

-"Where are we going?"
"To the ruins of a Pythian Skyship."
"A Pythian Skyship? If Bill could mend that.."
"I find that highly unlikely. But if you could it would be invaluable to Her Majesty's sky-Navy, and our conflict with the blasted Sky-Nazis."
"If Bill could Mend it, we'd be taking it for ourselves."
"What the devil would you even do with a Pythian Skyship?"
"We'd run it in the Death Race 3001!"

-"If you chaps took the Pythian Skyship, you'd make yourselves a target for the entire Sky-Nazi fleet!"
"Stop trying to sweet-talk me, Neville!"

-"Where's Chariss?"
"Chariss and Big Fat Merlin have snuck onto a nearby van... and it's a rocking."
"Oh god!"

-"OHhh Merlin!"
"Aww Chariss it feels so good when you squish between my folds!!"
"I say. Those two aren't going to be coming with us, are they?"
"I think they're coming by themselves."

-Meanwhile the Sky-Cleric had been kidnapped by Sky-mexicans. The PCs decide to go find him. Along the way they run into a food cart.
"Khal Kalash!"
"We'll buy your entire cart, if you tell us where the Mexicans went."

-"We head into town in the direction the vendor said."
"Heidi is pulling the cart along with him."

-Along the way they pass by a tailor's, and Neville leads them in there. It turns out that under the shop there's a secret high-tech complex for his organization's agents.
"So you're like, a secret agent?"
"Her Majesty's Elven Secret Service."

-"Do you have secret spy weapons here?"
"What? No..."
"Come on! There's a bullet-riddled dummy over there! And that shoe on the table has a blade sticking out of it."
"And that science-elf just made a big deal of giving you a very specific fountain pen with charges."

-The mexicans turn out to be hiding in the back of an Empanada restaurant.
"Let's go!"
"Wait, Catboy, you just left the Khal-Kalash cart outside unattended?"
"So? We've made bad investments before..."

-A big fight ensues. The Mexicans try to escape with the Sky-Cleric still tied to an office chair, but get intercepted by Neville, who turns out to be a very decent fighter.
"While the Mexicans are busy fighting, you notice the cleric's office chair was left at an inclined on the road and he's slowly starting to roll downhill."

-"Bill turns on all the gas and then leaves a spark in the Empanada restaurant as he walks out."

-"I'll get the Khal Kalash cart.."
"You left it unattended in a bad neighborhood. It's gone."

-"I look at the VR helmet the Mexicans put on the cleric."
"You see a set of swirling hypnotic patterns, interspersed with half-second subliminal images of Mexican stuff."
"Like Piniatas?"
"Dia de los muertos?"
"Yeah, Mexican shit."

-The Superfly II arrives in Smuggler's Cove (which is now partly on fire thanks to Bill the Elf's act of arson). Blitzkrieg Sakomano has answered the PCs' call, along with his crew, Laquanda and Space Bear.

-"Hey guys!"
"Hey Blitzkrieg! Want to do the Death Race 3001?"
"You son of a bitch. I'm in!"

-"Who's this?"
"Oh, she's Bill the Elf."
"Oh shiiit.."

-"No, no, Heidi's confused. I'm not Bill."
"Oh yeah, right. I'm sorry, Bill."
"God damn it, no! You just miss Bill a lot, right? And sometimes think I'm Bill..."
"Whatever you say Bill!"

-"OK fuck it, he's Bill."
"God damn it. I can't go 20 minutes without you guys revealing me."

-"Where's Sami?"
"Oh yeah, Sami ran off with a blob. Sorry Space Bear."
"Translation: Thank God!"

-"Don't worry Laquanda, I may have a hot blue elf girl body but I'm not trying to take your man."
"Oh, I'm not worried you polymorphed freak. You couldn't do nothing for my man with that skinny-ass elf body of yours!"

-"OK, so you guys are all  my friends."
"But I've heard a lot of bad stuff about Bill..."
"They're all lies."
"I doubt that."
"OK, none of them are lies."

-The party goes to tell Merlin and Chariss that they're headed to a ruined Pythian Warship.
"We don't really want to open that door, do we?"
"Fuck it, I do it."
"So that's how Shoggoths are made!"

-"You're a woman after my own heart, Chariss! My own severely compromised heart!"

-"Don't you be staring, Bill! You may be an elf woman now, but your scrawny ass won't do any damn thing for my man!"
"Why does everyone keep saying that??"

-"Did the empanada restaurant explode?"
"Oh yeah. It totally exploded and now half the town is on fire. You guys just didn't care enough to notice."

-The cleric's brainwashing (or depograming? No one's sure) by the Sky-Mexicans has left him completely confused.
"Ask G.O.D. to fix you, Cleric."
"Ask him to make you normal!"
"Even G.O.D. can't do that."

-The Party heads to the isolated asteroid where the ruins of the Pythian Skyship are found, leaving behind Chariss and Merlin in case any stragglers return.  They get into the ship, and run into a trio of Pythian Security Robots.
"They have laser beams! One hits you for... 48 points of damage"
"Oh shit!"
"I'm down."
"Also, make a saving throw."
"I failed."
"I'm sorry, Bill, but the laser severed 92% of your ass."
"which was already scrawny to begin with!"

-"The robots destroyed Bill's ass!"

-"I'll attack the robot that's almost destroyed."
"The Cleric sees his chance to steal glory from the Catboy!"

-"Bill saved his death roll!"
"But what about his ass?"
"I cast Mend on my ass!"

-"So Neville, if Bill manages to Mend the Sky-ship, he'd get a Ladyhood?"
"And will we get knighted?"
"No. You're not elves."
"So we'll all be like Chewbacca at the end of Star Wars? We get nothing?"

-The party gets to an intersection, where they can tell some kind of creature is lurking behind an elevator. The Cleric tries divination.
"Will the creature harm us if we approach peacefully?"
"It says no."
"OK. Heidi starts getting closer, holding a nutri-bar in his hand... hellooo?"
"Six horrifying creatures that look a bit like skinless leopards with tentacles sticking oout of their sides jump at you to attack!"
"The damn divination was a lie!"

-"Are they displacer beasts?"
"NO! They're Phase Leopards. Non-copyrighted Phase Leopards."

-"Heidi grabs one of the Phase Leopards and wields it as a weapon against other Phase Leopards."
"Heidi is improvising with weapons after his sword vanished because of that spell misfire. It's hitting him hard..."

-"I'm going to attack the Phase Leopard that Heidi is holding."
"So you're trying to disarm Heidi?"

The party defeats the Phase Leopards. But the sky-Cleric's faulty divination spells haven't got them any closer to finding the computer core of the Pythian ruin. They decide to call it a night there. Stay tuned next time for more DCC craziness!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Country Doctor

Friday 27 December 2019

RPGPundit Reviews: Cha'alt

So, here's a video review of the setting/dungeon "5e and OSR compatible" product, Cha'alt, by Venger Satanis.

You know, there's Normal Fantasy, Gonzo Fantasy, and then Stupid Gonzo Fantasy.

Guess which one Venger is a master of?


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

Wednesday 25 December 2019

The Medieval-Authentic Companion Gets its First 5-star Review!

So, it's been out less than a week now, but The Medieval-Authentic Companion already has a review, and it's a doozy.  This five-star review was by Eric Fabiaschi of the Sword & Stitchery Blog!

So go check it out, and then go buy The Medieval-Authentic Companion!


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

Monday 23 December 2019

The Medieval-Authentic OSR Companion is Finally Here!

The RPGPundit Presents: The Old-School OSR Medieval-Authentic Companion!

266 pages of source material for making your DnD-based old-school game more Medieval, including:

5 new classes for your characters, such as the courtier and archer.
Special rules for longbows/crossbows, advanced critical tables, domain management, and mass combat.
Spellbooks and a number of grimoires, including the Goetia and Book of the Art of Hours.
Astrology and the Arcana.
Medieval life and activities, including the history and rule of the Clerical Order, merchant and caravans, and courtly events and intrigues.
The supernatural, including the Twilight Realm of the Fae, cursed artifacts, and sinister supernatural wilderland encounters!

You can pick up the Medieval-Authentic OSR Companion from DTRPG for just $29.95 (Print and PDF!).

Thursday 19 December 2019

The Truth About Mearls, ZakS, and D&D Consultantgate!

Check out my latest video, where I share the truth about the claim that Mike Mearls gave Zak S and/or myself a list of people who had complained about us.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Half-Volcano + Blue Boar

Sunday 15 December 2019

SJWs Attack Charity D&D Livestream for Starving Babies

Check out my latest video!


Currently Smoking: Mastro de Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

Friday 13 December 2019

DCC Campaign Update: The Black Cock was Too Much for the Halfling

In our last session, the PCs had just gone nuts with fighting the Dragonmen Mafia in Highbay, in what is likely to kick them in the ass in the future. Now:

-"Cleric, I want you to find Georges Wittelsbach-Lorraine-McLarion-Hoopy!"
"Let me sleep! I have to level!"
"...OK, fine."

-*knock* *knock* *knock* "Cleric?" *knock* *knock* *knock* "Cleric?"
"I need healing."
"If you rest you'll heal!"
"Not enough... oh, wait, yeah it would. Nevermind."
"Let me sleep!!"

-"Who isn't here this session?"
"The dwarf!"
"Which dwarf?"
"The dwarf, who's been with us for like six sessions!"
"Hah! His only accomplishment has been to be forgettable!"
"That's probably why he's still alive."

-The Trans-Mutant Warrior enters into contact with the Lords of Neutrality.
"We are the Lords of Neutrality."
"And to you."
"May I know why you have summoned me?"
"We thought you had come to us?"
" there anything I can do for you?"

-"The Cleric is key to the success of your quest. Stay close to him."

-"What the hell??!"
"I'm just going to stay here by you, while you try to sleep."
"Really quietly."
" won't even know I'm here."
"Are you asleep yet?"

-*knock* *knock* *knock* Cleric?
"Do you have the number for Blitzkrieg Sakomano?"
"Ok, what's the rest of the number?"

-"The cleric is almost asleep..."

-The approaching ship is Fake-Bill's flying bus, being chased by a bunch of guys with armor and turbans, flying on flying carpets.
"Who are those guys?"
"I don't know, but they're throwing grenades on the roof of fake-bill's bus!"

-"Why should we help you?"
"Because if you don't help me I'll release the data telling everyone you're Bill!"
"I have an idea."
"Is it to kill fake-Bill before he can release the data?"

-"Who are you guys?"
"We are the Ackbashian Jihad! We are part of the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee!"
"You're throwing grenades on the roof! That's Bill's favorite tactic!"
"No! Bill is the prince of lies! He stole that tactic from our Prophet!"

-"What is your name?"
"...Anesh Gupta."
"Are you Anesh Gupta the former associate of Bill? Or Anesh Gupta the crime lord?"
"I thought they were the same."
"Fuck it, he's the Catboy!"

-"When I kill one guy, does his carpet just float or start to fall?"
"It falls."
"I'm going to nosedive after it!"

-"I try to grab the carpet as it falls!"
"You fail, but you can try again."
"What? Why not? We want one of those carpets!"
"He's afraid we'll leave him if he gets too far away."

-They save fake-Bill, and Big Fat Merlin meets Chariss.
"Well hello there... who are you?"
"That's Chariss, our meth whore."
"Hey! I am not a Meth whore. I'm a meth connoisseur!"

-"So do we know where Blitzkrieg is? We'll need him to get to the sun-shield."
"He might be in Smuggler's Cove!"
"What's that?"
"Don't worry, it's not really a cove. It's a floating island."

-"So let's blow up your bus and fake your death, Fake Bill!"
"They wouldn't believe it."
"we could do it anyways..."

-The party decides to proceed without blowing up anything, and run into a flying galleon full of Posh Elves.
"I say, surrender yourselves, you're under suspicion of smuggling!"
"We're not smugglers, we're looking for someone!"
"Um...Coolio... Starcrusher."
"Of the Lower Middle Northington Starcrushers??"

-"We're not smugglers, but we can't let you on our ship. We have things we don't want you to see."
"Oh? I see. You have some naughty lithographs on board?"
"Some pictures of ladies showing a bit too much ankle, eh?"
"You're up to some rumpy bumpy, you naughty boy?"

-"I'm a blue elf princess!"
"Young lady, that might impress lower people, but this is a Royal Navy skyship. I assure you that not one man jack among us has the slightest interest in women!"

-The cleric finally got his night of sleep and levels up.
"Your new spell is Restore Vitality!"
"Oh YEAH!"
"it lets you restore lost ability score points in certain circumstances, and even potentially lost body parts."

-"Big Fat Merlin and Chariss are still engaging in increasingly grotesque flirting."

-"Restore Vitality for everyone!"
"Now Heidi's smart enough to save again against Bill's Charm Person!"
"OK, roll it."
"He failed."

-"Note that since Heidi's nipple-loss was not connected to any ability score loss, he can't get them back with Restore Vitality."
"God damn it!"

-"Well, everyone's been restored."
"Your brief moment of fame and respect is over Cleric."
"Oh well."

-The PCs get to smugglers cove.
"So what's there to do around here?"
"Giant cockfighting."

-At the giant cockfights, a group of Sky-Mexicans are present, and find the Sky-Cleric (who was originally a Sky-Mexican but now thinks he's a deep-cover Sky-Nazi).
"Ey, Carlitos?"
"What? Nein!!"

-The PCs have the Halfling newb fight a giant chicken. He loses but survives.
"We bet a lot of money on you. We want you to fight again and win this time."
"The halfling gets back in the ring, and this time he's faced with a really huge black-feathered giant chicken."
"Oh no! It's a huge black cock!"

-Unfortunately, the halfling is torn to pieces.
"The black cock was just too much for the halfling to take."

-"The halfling flew too close to the sun."
"The sun in this case being a big black cock."

-"Carlitos, no nos conoces?"
"I don't know who you are!"
"You come from Colonia De Nuestra Seniora De Los Cielos! I know your family!"

-While the PCs were busy murdering their newb in a death-match, Fake Bill ended up stealing their sky-ship.
"Wasn't Pi Lin guarding it?!"
"I think he took Pi Lin with him!"

-They contact Fake Bill.
"What the fuck, fake Bill?!"
"I'm just borrowing it, friends. I'll give it back to you all as soon as you destroy the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee. Until then, I'll be hiding out in the upper planes where they won't be able to find me."

-"Wait... was the Dwarf still on the ship?"
"He's very good at not being seen. So yeah, maybe."

-"I contact the Lords of Neutrality."
"I may need your help."
"We may help you."
"We have to get our ship back."
"That sounds insufficiently neutral."

-"Have you found out who this Georges Wittelsbach-Lorraine-McClarion-Hoppy is?"
"Yes. He is powerful nobleman, in a surface city."
"No, some place called arkhome."

-Shortly after receiving the information about the man who hired his assassin, Catboy gets a mysterious letter.
"I open it. What is it?"
"You don't really understand, but it's some kind of damning evidence against a person named Hillary Clinton."
"What is it Catboy?"
"Its information about someone named Clinton. Apparently she murdered a shitload of people. I'm going to put a picture of the letter on the interweb!"

-"I show the note to the Kekistanis. Hey, do you know what this is?"
"Huh.. oh.. OH KEK NO!!"
"One of the Kekistanis screams and runs away. The other starts trying to claw out his own eyes, screaming 'you son of a bitch you murdered me, I am a dead man'!"

-"What?? What is it??"
"Anyone who has ever laid eyes on the Secret Crimes of Clinton ends up dying soon after, sometimes by what seems like random violence, accident, or 'suicide'. But they all die."

-"I just posted a picture of it on the Interwebs though.."
"You fool!"
"I check my profile."
"Your post is gone! It's vanished."
"As if it was never there..."

-With the halfling dead, now the Neutral Trans-Mutant Warrior decides he's going to do some pit fighting. He fights a knight. They both spend several rounds either missing or fumbling each other.
"You both suck!"
"Balance is restored."

-"The crowd starts throwing tomatoes into the ring."
"Now calm down here!"
"Yes, there's no need for excessive emotion."
"I may have this fight."
"As may I!"
"Oh shit, they're both neutral!"
"The trans-warrior has found his soulmate!"

-The trans-mutant warrior and the knight stand there facing each other in a neutral stare-off, and then rush at each other, samurai style. The Trans-warrior decapitates the knight in one blow!
"He out-neutraled him!"

-"This was the only fight you guys have won so far and you forgot to even bet on it!"
"It really was a Neutral fight!"

-"Catboy wants to summon Bob Shoggoth."
"How do I do it, Bill?"
"You have to do a LOT of drugs, and then call out his name..."

-Catboy does some Really Magic Mushrooms and shrinks down to six inches in height!

-"You took some Beholder Eyedrops, and now you see two frightening shadowy figures just standing there looking at you."
"Oh fuck!"
"They're probably Clintons!"

-"Why are you small?"
"I tried drugs."

-Heidi tries the Beholder Eyedrops and sees the shadowy figures.
"I try to touch one of the guys."
"You can't touch them, your hand just passes right through them. But when you do that, you get the strange feeling that the Catboy has probably been really depressed lately and you wouldn't be surprised if he might commit suicide soon."
"Oh shit! They are the Clintons!"

-"Hey cleric, why don't you use your tablet to try to get information about the Clintons-- nooo, no don't do that!!"
"Yeah, bad idea. G.O.D. might 'commit suicide'."

-"I try to touch one of the shadowy figures with my sword."
"Nothing happens. Except that you get the sense that Catboy is really depressed and will probably kill himself soon."

-The party goes to sleep in Fake-Bill's tour bus, to level. In the morning, they find out Blitzkrieg Sakomano got their message and is going to be arriving soon.
"OK, the Cleric uses Divine Aid to erase the Catboy's memory of what he read, and then he burns the Clinton letter."
"Good idea!"

-Suddenly, when he's alone the Sky-Cleric gets a tap on his shoulder.
"Excuse me meester.."
"The Sky-Mexicans have kidnapped the sky-cleric to make him Mexican again?"

Will the Sky-Cleric become a Sky-Mexican again? Will Blitzkrieg Sakomano get the team up to the skyshield? Is the Dwarf still on the ship with Fake Bill?

Find out the answers to some of these mostly unimportant questions, and much more, in our next update!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Hawkbill + Image Virginia

Tuesday 10 December 2019

RPGPundit Presents is Back! Medieval-Authentic Bestiary 2!

So, because of changing publishers and some of the setbacks with the (still upcoming) Medieval-Authentic Companion book (which will be coming out soon), we'd suspended publishing the RPGPundit Presents series.

However, now we're back. We probably won't be publishing one each week, but we'll be putting out new ones every couple of weeks, while shifting attention at Spectre Press to develop more compilation volumes (after the first one comes out!).

So, this week, to start us off again, here's RPGpundit Presents #98: Medieval-Authentic Bestiary 2!

Much like in the first Medieval-Authentic Bestiary, here you get a list of 15 different and mostly very weird medieval fantasy creatures, all of which are based on real medieval folklore, legends, and texts!

You get stuff like:

The Urisk: A dangerous fire-breathing fairy creature

The Fae Snail!

The horrific Scytale, a serpent that murders you from the inside without you even realizing it!

The Pwca, a faery shapechanger and trickster

The Onocentaur, half-men, half-donkeys!

The terrible Lindworm, a subspecies of dragon

And many more!

Each entry includes details on the creature's history and origins, where it's typically found, it's habits, behavior and special powers, typical number appearing, and full OSR stats, easily usable in any OSR or D&D-derived game!

So if you're looking for some unusual creatures to add to your campaign that have a long history and a flair of the unusual only medieval minds could conceive of, be sure to pick up the Medieval Authentic Bestiary 2 for just $2.99 at DTRPG!

And while you're at it be sure to check out all our previous issues, where you'll find tons of OSR medieval-authentic and Gonzo/Weird-Fantasy goodness!

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #68: The Cult of the Saints (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

RPGPundit Presents #69: The Path of Trees (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #72: The Cymri Davey (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

Stay tuned for more soon!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Walnut

Sunday 8 December 2019

Inappropriate Characters Livestream!

Check it out! Starting 7:30pm Central tonight!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Oversize + Blue Boar

Monday 2 December 2019

Your D&D Setting Should Only Have ONE God

Check out the latest video!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

Saturday 23 November 2019

DMs: Don't Cripple Your PCs' Sense of Purpose!

In this video I talk a lot about Watchmen and other recent SJW media, and then about how the idea that "the DM should always be in charge of keeping his players entertained"; is bullshit.


Currently Smoking: Peterson Deluxe + Image Virginia

Monday 18 November 2019

Livestream: My Campaigns, & People Who Didn't Kill Themselves

Check out my latest livestream!


Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best

Friday 15 November 2019

DCC Campaign Update: We Have to Make This Look Like an Accident!

In our last adventure, the PCs (sans Bill the Elf, who the Catboy abandoned in the Giant Goblin kingdom) went into a hobgoblin warren and killed a weird mutant slime dragon. But not without a cost: the sky-cleric ended up petrified!


-The cleric's player rolls up some emergency Newbs: a dwarven mushroom-farmer, a Bharatan drug-dealer, and a mutant smuggler.
"Well, they're consistent as a party, at least!"

-Bill was last seen teleported right into the horde of giant goblins.
"The goblins immediately attacked you, got a couple of lucky criticals on you, and you're going down, the last thing you see before you pass out is a guy, flying toward you in what looks like a hovering mobility-scooter, an obese guy with an unkempt beard in soiled wizard robes and hat, shouting 'hang on, I'm a coming'!"

-Bill regains consciousness in what appears to be a tour bus, with the aforementioned fat wizard guy, and.. Fake Bill (the con artist who had been previously posing as Bill the Elf in the Grey Realms)!
"What.. what's happening?"
"Hi there friend! Big Fat Merlin saved you, Bill!"

-"Who's Big Fat Merlin?"
"He is; he's my road manager!"
"What's a Road Manager?"
"That's best explained... in song!"

-"That song didn't explain anything!"

-"I guess you know by now that our invasion of the Jade Realm failed miserably. It seems they were warned."
"yeah, that's too bad."
"And because of that disaster, the Game Controller was overthrown in a revolution to restore the monarchy, and I had to run away back to the material plane, where I started doing a Bill the Elf tour, doing my musical act and threatening people for extortion."
"Wait, to restore the monarchy? Does that mean Priscilla is Queen of the Grey Realms again?"
"Oh damn. Because the Catboy left her back there."
"The Catboy is to blame for everything!"

-"OK, before we talk, I need to go to the Giant Goblin Kingdom and do a thing."
"What thing?"
"I'm going to set fire to the entire kingdom."

-"So what do you want from me?"
"I need your help, friend. The Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee is after me. And by me, I mean they're after you."

-"What's the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee?"
"They're a group dedicated to killing you, and since I'm saying I'm Bill the Elf, they're trying to kill me. So, I  need you to destroy them, because if they catch me I'll have to tell them and everyone else that you're really Bill the Elf."
"OK, whatever. Where are they?"
"Well, I first ran into them in Highbay."

-"I don't even look like Bill anymore, though."
"Don't you?"
"I'm a girl!"
"He's a girl?"
"Yes I'm a girl, Merlin. I have boobs!"
"Men can have boobs!"

-"In exchange for killing the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee, we'll give you these three newbs."

-"You're part of the Bill the Elf Family now, Bill."
"I am Bill!"
"Yes, but I'm the one everyone thinks is Bill the Elf. But now you're part of my organization. You're like, Billgirl!"

-"You newbs belong to Elfchick now."
"Not belong, I think slavery is bad!"
"Says the guy who just genocided the entire Giant Goblin kingdom..."

-"But first, Big Fat Merlin needs a spongebath! You, the pretty boy, come here!"
"Oh god, kill me!"

-"Do I get XP for genociding the giant goblins?"
"Yes, you get 2XP, the minimum amount awarded for genocide."

-"So, like, Fake Bill was just some crappy musical theater dude who happened to be an elf, possibly named Bill, and he just ran with it when everyone thought he was THE Bill the Elf?"

-The rest of the party has made their way out of the mutant-hobgoblin warrens, and find a small army of orcs outside!
"Kill them, for the Warlord!"
"Wait, we're with Sandi!"
"Who are you?"
"I'm the father of her son!"
"Then that means you are the famous Heidi the Inferior To Sandy."
"Yes, correct."

-The PCs get back on the ship.
"Computer, set course for Castle Dread."
"There's more than one?"
"Yes. The world of the Last Sun is huge, and in it there's at least three assholes who decided to name their castle 'Dread'."
"And there's probably like 20 'Skull Islands'."

-"Computer, scan me for medical conditions."
"So when do I transform?"
"...but there's no moon?"

-"We can't kill the Catboy because that would make us pro-sky-nazi... so we'll just have to manage him."
"What, like a road manager?"
"What's a road manager?"
"If only there was some song about that..."

-"Computer, probe the sky-cleric."
"What? But.. your probes don't actually go into orifices!"
"It's legacy programming."

-"The real Bill the Elf, who is a woman now, is coming to Castle Dread."
"So that's why she was so destructive all the time, she was in denial about herself..."

-"The newbie color mutant is orange and blue?"
"So we could call him Tide Pod."

-Bill meets Sandi again.
"I just want you to understand Bill, if you betray me this will end badly for you. I just have to win initiative against you to kill you. And I have a big bonus to initiative."

-"Breakfast at Castle Dread is giant chicken eggs and yogurt drunk from the skulls of Sandi's former enemies."
"Is there any fruit?"
"Jesus Bill, what happened to you!?"
"I think Sandi only eats meat, just like Jordan Peterson."

-"We're best friends now, Sandi!"
"No, we're not."
"But I don't want to be a friendless woman like Sami was!"
"Who? Oh, yeah, I forgot about Sami."

-Pi Lin hears about Bill's newfound objections to slavery.
"The Dragon Men who owned me have many slaves. Will you help me free the slaves, Bill the Elf?"

-"Hey Heidi, the dragonmen from the dragon quarter serve Marduk, a daemon. There, I helped."

-The party heads to Highbay, petrified sky-cleric in tow.
"There must be a cleric somewhere in Highbay who could fix him..."
"I know, let's ask Swanlee!"

-One short but irritating conversation later, the PCs are headed into the Highbay Rehab Dungeon to retrieve a cleric.
"I don't want to have anything to do with you people!"
"All you have to do is restore our cleric, he's been petrified."
"Fine... he succeeds in his check, and the sky-cleric is now restored."
"Good. Bill slices the other cleric's throat."
"Oh shit, why did you do that?!"
"Why not?"

-"Should I kill the newbs too?"
"No! I might need them someday after the Sky-Cleric dies."
"Fine, I'll just boot the newbs off the ship onto the roof of the Highbay City Hall."

-"Now let's go to the Dragonmen HQ, get those magic items you guys paid down-payments for, and then kill them all!"

-"Don't kill the dragonmen, Heidi, they're all going to laugh at you!"
"LOL, OK, Chariss.."

-"Pi Lin thinks you are a good man, Bill."
"No he's not! He just brutally murdered a cleric for no reason!"
"That cleric was a slave to his addictions. I freed him!"
"Goddamn it Bill."
"I told you there would be consequences!"

-The PCs make their way to the House of 1000 Orchids, where they meet Master Po of the Dragonmen and his various attendants, guards and slaves. 
"Bill keeps asking them about Marduk, like, you guys worship Marduk don't you?"
"We follow the correct temple rites."
"They're Confucians!"

-"Heidi is grabbing his sword."
"Catboy takes the dragonman aside: can I talk to you for a second?"
"Listen to me: you and everyone with you are dead men. They're going to kill you for following daemons!"
"I see. Thank you for this kind information. We will take care of things."
"Ok, so, you'll stop talking about Marduk?"
"Yes. And you will of course benefit from having given us this information."

-A while later, the Dragonmen bring tea.
"I don't drink."
"Me either."
"Do any of you drink?"
"The Catboy drinks."
"OK, so only the Catboy and Chariss are drinking any of the tea."

-"Suddenly, a canister is dropped from the ceiling, and releases a poison gas! Everyone except Catboy make a saving throw."
"Why not Catboy?"
"He's the only one who drank the tea!"
"Motherfuckers. The tea was an antidote."
"They manipulated your natural paranoia."

-Most of the characters were able to either get breathers on or make their fortitude save. But now, ninja-like assassins attack!

-Chariss makes a run for it.
"You guys hold them off, I'm going to steal all the drugs!"

-"Ropework casts Shield. But he got a 1."
"Your shield manifests under your feet, and now you're sliding around on it like a hoverboard."

-"You notice none of the ninjas are attacking the Catboy."
"Because the Catboy snitched to them about Heidi!"

-The ninjas are using poison darts that paralyze most of the PCs. Everyone is down except Bill.
"I blow the horn of dutchmen!"
"7 dutchmen appear... isn't that weird?"
"Why did this have to happen while the sky-cleric is unconscious?!"
"They're dutch, not germans."
"It's sort of the same."
"Just weirder."

-"Catboy, when you step out the door you see that when the Dragonmen sounded the gong, all the Dragonmen and armed mutant servants/slaves are coming out of every building and heading toward the House of 1000 Orchids to join the fight."
"Do not attack the Catboy! He helped us with information."

-"What are you doing?"
"Our enemies will either be killed or enslaved. But not you, because you betrayed your allies with information to us."
"The sky-cleric is paralyzed but can he hear all this?"

-"Too bad we don't still have another Cleric who can cure paralysis and didn't get his throat cut, huh?"
"Damn you, Bill."

-Ropework is dead!
"Oh damn."
"He had just gotten to level 2!!"
"I can't believe he was only just level 2."
"He was very memorable."
"Mostly for his shitty spells."
"For some reason, a lot of characters die right after leveling. Maybe that's the real Danger Zone."

-"Bill's remembering the last time someone snitched and killed the entire party."
"So Bill is going to punish the Catboy for doing by accident what Bill usually does on purpose?"
"Only Bill is allowed to kill the party!"

-"I told you that there would be consequences!!"

-"We probably aren't going to get those magic items guys..."
"Well, Catboy might."
"His reward for betrayal will be to finally own pants!"

-"Tell us what you said, Catboy!"

-Catboy manages to convince the Dragonmen that the whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding.
"You guys didn't understand what I was saying. They were never going to betray you!"
"The Dragon Council will decide how to proceed in adjudicating this."

-The PCs are freed by the Dragonmen, and are brought before the Dragon Council.
"Can we just get our items?"
"We will award restitution."
"Well, one of our party members died. Could you give us three newbies?"
"Ah, I see you are familiar with the cosmic principle of '3 for 1'!"

-"Master Po will also pay for the funerary rites of your dead companion."
"I shall, Venerable Masters, but I do not know his funerary customs."
"Oh.. he needs to be... tightly bound in rope all over his body, like a mummy. And then set on fire!"

-The Dragonmen hand over the three newbies: they're two feral halflings and an Hipster Elf thrift-store salesman.

-"Now that the dragonmen have given us our magic items... I will try to decapitate Master Po!"
"Oh shit."
"Are you sure? Catboy, the Cleric and the Dwarf have all left already.."
"I don't care."

-Heidi surprise attacks, decapitating Po in front of all his guards and dragonmen!
"Oh shit!"

-"We have to find a way to make this look like an accident!"

-While the Catboy and the others are flying up toward the ship, they spot Chariss clinging to a roof.
"Hey, you guys!! I stole ALL the drugs!"
"The magic ones?"
"Damn. Go get her!"

-"So Chariss was gone the whole time?"
"Yeah, she left at the start of the first fight, and no one saw her until now."
"Yeah, she said she was going to steal all the drugs, and she stole all the drugs!"
"She's a blob of her word."
"Right now, she's the most effective member of the party!"

-Heidi fumbles against a 1HD guard.
"Your feeble attack looks laughable!"
"Damn it, Chariss was right!"

-"Heidi, do you want to pull out?"
"That's what Sandi asked him!"

-The party manages to escape after massacring a large number of dragonmen.
"Oh no! Now the dragonmen won't do the funerary rites for Ropework!"
"You mean the ritual that you totally made up?"

-"Well, that's the end of this session."
"But the Cleric still has to level!"
"You know what we say to leveling up... not today!"

Stay tuned for more!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Acorn + Image Virginia