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Saturday 28 December 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Cast Mend on My Ass

In our last session, the PCs had ended up in a floating island known as Smuggler's Cove. They're waiting there to meet with their old friend, the renowned pilot Blitzkrieg Sakomano, and his ship (the Superfly II), which is the only skyship capable of reaching the Sky-shield (so they can attend the Death Race 3001, mostly for the XP).


-The PCs are approached by a posh elf in a fancy looking Edwardian suit.
"Who are you?"
"Oh, terribly sorry. I'm Neville Neville, 13th Earl of Starsclyde."
"What the hell do you want?"
"I was wondering if you'd be at all interested in going on what I believe they call a side-quest?"

-"We don't even have a ship. I mean, we have this bus, but we don't own it."
"What is this side-quest anyways?"
"Well I'll tell you: it's damned bloody interesting!"
"...OK, let's do it!"
"You son of a bitch, I'm in!"

-"Is it a heist?"
"Of a sort."

-"Where are we going?"
"To the ruins of a Pythian Skyship."
"A Pythian Skyship? If Bill could mend that.."
"I find that highly unlikely. But if you could it would be invaluable to Her Majesty's sky-Navy, and our conflict with the blasted Sky-Nazis."
"If Bill could Mend it, we'd be taking it for ourselves."
"What the devil would you even do with a Pythian Skyship?"
"We'd run it in the Death Race 3001!"

-"If you chaps took the Pythian Skyship, you'd make yourselves a target for the entire Sky-Nazi fleet!"
"Stop trying to sweet-talk me, Neville!"

-"Where's Chariss?"
"Chariss and Big Fat Merlin have snuck onto a nearby van... and it's a rocking."
"Oh god!"

-"OHhh Merlin!"
"Aww Chariss it feels so good when you squish between my folds!!"
"I say. Those two aren't going to be coming with us, are they?"
"I think they're coming by themselves."

-Meanwhile the Sky-Cleric had been kidnapped by Sky-mexicans. The PCs decide to go find him. Along the way they run into a food cart.
"Khal Kalash!"
"We'll buy your entire cart, if you tell us where the Mexicans went."

-"We head into town in the direction the vendor said."
"Heidi is pulling the cart along with him."

-Along the way they pass by a tailor's, and Neville leads them in there. It turns out that under the shop there's a secret high-tech complex for his organization's agents.
"So you're like, a secret agent?"
"Her Majesty's Elven Secret Service."

-"Do you have secret spy weapons here?"
"What? No..."
"Come on! There's a bullet-riddled dummy over there! And that shoe on the table has a blade sticking out of it."
"And that science-elf just made a big deal of giving you a very specific fountain pen with charges."

-The mexicans turn out to be hiding in the back of an Empanada restaurant.
"Let's go!"
"Wait, Catboy, you just left the Khal-Kalash cart outside unattended?"
"So? We've made bad investments before..."

-A big fight ensues. The Mexicans try to escape with the Sky-Cleric still tied to an office chair, but get intercepted by Neville, who turns out to be a very decent fighter.
"While the Mexicans are busy fighting, you notice the cleric's office chair was left at an inclined on the road and he's slowly starting to roll downhill."

-"Bill turns on all the gas and then leaves a spark in the Empanada restaurant as he walks out."

-"I'll get the Khal Kalash cart.."
"You left it unattended in a bad neighborhood. It's gone."

-"I look at the VR helmet the Mexicans put on the cleric."
"You see a set of swirling hypnotic patterns, interspersed with half-second subliminal images of Mexican stuff."
"Like Piniatas?"
"Dia de los muertos?"
"Yeah, Mexican shit."

-The Superfly II arrives in Smuggler's Cove (which is now partly on fire thanks to Bill the Elf's act of arson). Blitzkrieg Sakomano has answered the PCs' call, along with his crew, Laquanda and Space Bear.

-"Hey guys!"
"Hey Blitzkrieg! Want to do the Death Race 3001?"
"You son of a bitch. I'm in!"

-"Who's this?"
"Oh, she's Bill the Elf."
"Oh shiiit.."

-"No, no, Heidi's confused. I'm not Bill."
"Oh yeah, right. I'm sorry, Bill."
"God damn it, no! You just miss Bill a lot, right? And sometimes think I'm Bill..."
"Whatever you say Bill!"

-"OK fuck it, he's Bill."
"God damn it. I can't go 20 minutes without you guys revealing me."

-"Where's Sami?"
"Oh yeah, Sami ran off with a blob. Sorry Space Bear."
"Translation: Thank God!"

-"Don't worry Laquanda, I may have a hot blue elf girl body but I'm not trying to take your man."
"Oh, I'm not worried you polymorphed freak. You couldn't do nothing for my man with that skinny-ass elf body of yours!"

-"OK, so you guys are all  my friends."
"But I've heard a lot of bad stuff about Bill..."
"They're all lies."
"I doubt that."
"OK, none of them are lies."

-The party goes to tell Merlin and Chariss that they're headed to a ruined Pythian Warship.
"We don't really want to open that door, do we?"
"Fuck it, I do it."
"So that's how Shoggoths are made!"

-"You're a woman after my own heart, Chariss! My own severely compromised heart!"

-"Don't you be staring, Bill! You may be an elf woman now, but your scrawny ass won't do any damn thing for my man!"
"Why does everyone keep saying that??"

-"Did the empanada restaurant explode?"
"Oh yeah. It totally exploded and now half the town is on fire. You guys just didn't care enough to notice."

-The cleric's brainwashing (or depograming? No one's sure) by the Sky-Mexicans has left him completely confused.
"Ask G.O.D. to fix you, Cleric."
"Ask him to make you normal!"
"Even G.O.D. can't do that."

-The Party heads to the isolated asteroid where the ruins of the Pythian Skyship are found, leaving behind Chariss and Merlin in case any stragglers return.  They get into the ship, and run into a trio of Pythian Security Robots.
"They have laser beams! One hits you for... 48 points of damage"
"Oh shit!"
"I'm down."
"Also, make a saving throw."
"I failed."
"I'm sorry, Bill, but the laser severed 92% of your ass."
"which was already scrawny to begin with!"

-"The robots destroyed Bill's ass!"

-"I'll attack the robot that's almost destroyed."
"The Cleric sees his chance to steal glory from the Catboy!"

-"Bill saved his death roll!"
"But what about his ass?"
"I cast Mend on my ass!"

-"So Neville, if Bill manages to Mend the Sky-ship, he'd get a Ladyhood?"
"And will we get knighted?"
"No. You're not elves."
"So we'll all be like Chewbacca at the end of Star Wars? We get nothing?"

-The party gets to an intersection, where they can tell some kind of creature is lurking behind an elevator. The Cleric tries divination.
"Will the creature harm us if we approach peacefully?"
"It says no."
"OK. Heidi starts getting closer, holding a nutri-bar in his hand... hellooo?"
"Six horrifying creatures that look a bit like skinless leopards with tentacles sticking oout of their sides jump at you to attack!"
"The damn divination was a lie!"

-"Are they displacer beasts?"
"NO! They're Phase Leopards. Non-copyrighted Phase Leopards."

-"Heidi grabs one of the Phase Leopards and wields it as a weapon against other Phase Leopards."
"Heidi is improvising with weapons after his sword vanished because of that spell misfire. It's hitting him hard..."

-"I'm going to attack the Phase Leopard that Heidi is holding."
"So you're trying to disarm Heidi?"

The party defeats the Phase Leopards. But the sky-Cleric's faulty divination spells haven't got them any closer to finding the computer core of the Pythian ruin. They decide to call it a night there. Stay tuned next time for more DCC craziness!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Country Doctor

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