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Thursday 28 February 2019

Lords of Olympus Update: Lucky Kitten's Legs

So, after some delays, here's another update of my current Lords of Olympus campaign! As usual, this one is not written by me, but by Aetos' player. This is actually from an earlier session, as we will be catching up (hopefully)!

On Olympus
Aetos: Aetos saw an opportunity. When Zeus was discussing with Arrit about how she was pursued by Hera, Arrit threw out a paper that she said Prometheus had given her, including the names of all the Gods and how much she should trust them (conveniently marked in green, yellow and red, but Arrit didn’t seem to care.) One of Aetos' servants took the paper and then Aetos delivered it to Hera, so she could use it to scry on Prometheus, as it was once touched by him. Hera hid it in a safe spot and declared that she wouldn’t forget their alliance, as both of them saw Prometheus as a threat to Olympus’s safety, and were both willing to hunt him down. He also made good friend with Hephasteus and convinced him to start crafting something that could capture Prometheus. Trying to gain more power, he won a bet against Nike to destroy a big giant mountain rock on Olympus, obtaining 5 free rides on Nike’s mighty fast chariot, but, when he destroyed this mountain, debris killed one of Hestia’s(The Goddess of Homes) trusted servants.

Arrit: on the other side, was presented to some of the Gods before her acceptance in the Olympian council. She met Persephone, Demeter, Apollo, his son Ascelpius (God of Medicine, who Arrit pretty much dismissed and insulted in front of everyone), Heracles, Hebe and their sons Alexiaires and Anicetus. Many Gods gave Arrit gifts for her passing, including some flowers for Persephone’s hair, medicine by Ascelpius(who was really humiliated as it was rejected as boring by Arrit) a cat from Corey and a bird necklace from Aetos. While the vote was cast in Arrits favor, she decided to rip off the legs off a cat, completely horrifying Persephone and Demeter, in order to gift something to her nephews, Alexiaires and Anicetus…who actually thought that was pretty cool. As Zeus emerged and declared a feast would occur the following day for the naming of Arrit as a new Goddess, they decided on giving her the appropriate title of the Goddess of Impulsiveness.

Fito: The following day, Fito was hanging around with Triton, telling him that Arrit was actually madly in love with her (as this convinced him that it was worthwhile to come from Atlantis). As a man of the ladies, Triton tried to seduce Arrit, but Zeus told him that this BETTER BE FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. Arrit said that the only way that she would accept a guy, is if that person fought her to unconsciousness in a duel. Triton, surprisingly, accepted to do this at the party, being encouraged by Fito, who told him this must have been Prometheus messing with Arrit's head while she was captured.
This ultimately proved useless, and ended up with Dionysus crashing Arrit’s party with some 80’s music and high heel boots. A lot of drinks, bets with PCs and awkward family moments later, Dionysus escaped with Arrit, both completely naked and drugged out of their minds, out of Olympus, arguing the family was too boring. They ended up on some modern earth after an insane drug trip, with BOLT-0, a goddamned tiger and Pan, the goat God of Arcadia. On his side, Fito talked and made an alliance with Themis, telling her that he knew about Guillermo’s primordial origins. He afterwards decided to go Hades.

On a Stranded Island.
Corey: Meanwhile, Corey set out to find Ares, he was stranded in a specific island filled world, and after convincing some pirates in a very badass intimidation scene, she took their boat, but drifted on the islands as a big storm came. She later managed to find Ares, who had taken the Nautilus and completely subjugated it, and was now in control of Poseidon’s ship. Hera told them to stay put meanwhile, as to not cause a direct conflict with Poseidon, so they decided to explore Epic India where an entire army seemed to have been defeated without even having a single body of their attackers. Impressed by how someone that WASN’T Ares managed to do something like this, Ares and Corey went out to investigate. Apparently, some Olympian had killed a 100,000 men just for obtaining a sword called “the Primordial Sword”. They also found some parchment in Sanskrit. They decided to go to Hera to report and see what she knows, since she has quite an influence in Epic India.

(if you want to play an OSR game in Epic India, check out Arrows of Indra!)

In the Underworld.
Paneb decided to go to Olympus to present himself. He had quite the adventure, losing Frank on the way and getting lost multiple times, and finally having to sell a drop of blood from his wrist to a witch of Tyche, the Goddess of Luck, just to get the proper directions to go to Olympus. He presented himself to Zeus, passing by Aetos and Hudson, but then just said…hi.?...

On …just too many worlds to count.
Helena…is now practically considered the Goddess of Sidequests. She has now Toilette, and the Hippomagus, a half-hippopotamus – half barely competent mage by her side. She has found a lot of boxes, each leading them to a different location. Now she is moving towards the Tower of Babel, as per the last box. The whole group has now unanimously agreed that Helena should just call every other PC so we can all go together to smash Selene’s face for being such a dick.

On Olympus.
Guillermo Hudson arrived to Olympus, he spent quite a bit of time scrying, as always, and then trained with Bia, Zelus and Kratos, Zeus’s bodyguards. He met Aetos when he was doing his bet with Nike, who is one of the Bodyguards sister, Goddess of Victory, and charioteer to Zeus. He afterwards talked with Zeus, and they decided to talk to the Moirae to know about Guillermo’s parentage. The Moirae appeared, with Themis and Zeus, their fathers, in the room, and revealed that Guillermo Hudson’s parent is actually Aether, god of the Sky and barrier that covers Olympus. They also revealed a grave prophecy….The end of the multiverse as we know it is near. The door that must not be opened is opened and the God Who Comes is near, the end of the throne of Zeus is near. The multiverse finds itself in great danger, but only 5 young Godlings can stop the chaos…The abandoned girl, the lost child, the impossible child, the primordial child and the redeeming child…

Is Zeus loosing his shit completely?Can Hudson now declare himself the God of excessive teenage phone usage? Will Arrit ever be sober in this entire arc?

ONLY FATE…Truly knows.

Wednesday 27 February 2019

Wild West Campaign Update: The Adjudicators

It was supposed to be Kid Taylor's last week in Tombstone. The city had been in an uneasy state of tension for the past couple of months, and his wife had convinced Kid that it was the best thing for his young family to get out while the getting was good.  But after settling his affairs, Kid Taylor goes out for one last night on the town with his friend, Marshal Morgan Earp.

That night, shots ring out and Morgan is fatally wounded. The shooters escaped but it was obvious they were Cowboys.

The PCs and the other lawmen and friends of the Earps are furious, and are ready to join Wyatt in going out and shooting up the town, but it is Wyatt who (to everyone's surprise) tells them all to wait. 

Late that night, Wyatt calls together all his allies. He tells them that the Earps are going to leave Tombstone, along with Doc Holliday. But that isn't going to be the end of it, only the beginning. He tells them all that he can't ask of them to join him, but if they do they should know that it may well be suicide and might destroy their reputations, because it's his intention to wipe the Cowboys out by any means.  He knows Charlie Basset, with his lawful-good orientation, couldn't be asked to join them, so he asks him to stay behind in Tombstone and act as Marshal of the town for as long as he feels safe to do so, which he agrees. Everyone else gets on board with Wyatt's plan.

The PCs quickly settle their affairs. Crazy Miller leaves his businesses in the charge of his accountant, updates his will with his lawyer, leaves Buckskin Frank in charge of their gambling hall, and arranges passage for Miss Scarlet out of town to stay in Dodge City "for a while".
Kid Taylor says his goodbyes to Mayor Clum and to Doctor Goodfellow. Goodfellow realizes Kid's plans have changed, and he's likely going to be riding for blood with Wyatt; so he loans Kid his new invention: last year Goodfellow had seen a man shot who didn't bleed as much as he should have. On inspection he realized that the bullet had been slowed by a silk handkerchief. So Goodfellow bought himself about $600 worth of silk and made a kind of vest out of it, which he hopes should be capable of greatly reducing the harm of bullet impacts. He says he's giving it to Kid to test it out, but it's also obvious he's hoping it might save Kid's life, as the two have gone from being rivals when Goodfellow first came to town, to being friends now.

(Doctor Goodfellow, inventor of the bullet-proof vest, and the Crystal Palace Saloon; Goodfellow's practice was upstairs, and the saloon was a favorite hangout of the cowboys)

The next day, the Earps load up their wagon, along with Morgan's coffin, taking Doc Holliday with them, as well as Kid Taylor's wife and children. They get ready to drive to Tuscon, where they'll be taking a train for California, back to the Earp homestead. Stopping in front of the Crystal Palace, where the Cowboys are waiting to watch him go, Earp tells them that it's over; they're leaving forever, the Cowboys have won.  Curly Bill Brocius responds with "Well... bye". Johnny Ringo says that something smells like death.

The Earps ride off.

Meanwhile, the PCs follow them to Tuscon, from a distance, to ward off any potential Cowboy attacks along the way. At the same time, Turkey Creek Jack Johnson, Texas Jack Vermillion and Sherman McMaster went on to Bisbee. And Bat Masterson headed to Colorado, where he'd been tasked with making sure they'd have a place where the rest of the gang could be safe if they had to get out of Arizona.

The Earps are cautious as they get to the train station. Wyatt had Kid Taylor scout out the station and Kid spotted Ike Clanton and three other cowboys waiting around, no doubt to ambush Wyatt and Virgil when they're about to board. While Virgil and the women get ready to board the train, Wyatt and Doc meet up with the PCs, and they set up a counter-ambush. 

Ike and his men approach Virgil and he asks "Hey Virgil, where's your brother?"
Wyatt answers "Right behind you, Clanton!" and when they turn he shoots one of the cowboys down. The other PCs and Doc start firing. Pretty soon the Cowboys are all dead, except for Ike (who Wyatt had told them not to shoot, predicting correctly that Ike would drop his gun as soon as the shooting started and plead for mercy). He spares Ike so he can give the rest of the Cowboys a warning: "You called the thunder? Well by god now you have it. You see this star I'm wearing? It says US Marshal. You tell all your friends, Ike, I see a red sash and I'll kill the man wearing it! You tell them I'm coming, and hell's coming with me!"

Once Virgil and the women are safely away on the train, Wyatt, Doc and the PCs ride out to Bisbee to meet up with the others. They had already scouted out the town, and found there were four Cowboys lounging around the barber shop. So Wyatt charges into the barbershop on horseback and him, Doc, and the Millers shoot them all dead.

Wyatt got himself deputized as a US Marshal, and he's deputized everyone in his posse (excepting Doc, who refused), and now his plan is to ride through Arizona killing every Cowboy he can get his hands on, striking whenever they're found in manageable numbers and aren't expecting it. This isn't justice, it's a reckoning.  The papers describe Wyatt and his gang as "The Adjudicators", but Doc says he doesn't care much for that name, and thinks they should be called "Wyatt Earp's Immortals".

The Players have been waiting for this moment a long time. Now, let's see if they survive it.


Currently Smoking: Brigham Anniversary Pipe + Image Latakia

Tuesday 26 February 2019

RPGPundit Presenta: Ultimo Sol: El Imperio Zombi y La Teocracia de Lariel

La edición española de la publicación semanal OSR creada por RPGPundit que presenta un tema diferente en cada número. 

De los anales de la infame campaña de fantasía gonzo de RPGPundit, Último Sol, este número detalla los dos reinos que componen gran parte del territorio: el Imperio Zombi y la Teocracia de Larieal. Tras el Gran Desastre, los reinos humanos fueron conquistados por los muertos vivientes, liderados por la Emperatriz Zombi y sus hordas de zombis inteligentes. Su imperio es actualmente un refugio para todo tipo de no-muertos, desde vampiros y espectros hasta esqueletos y gules. También se considera civilizado para los estándares de los no-muertos, a un nivel tecnológico renacentista con varias clases y comercios (como las granjas de vivos). La Teocracia de Lariel es el hogar de los Fantásticos Religiosos, cruzados dedicados a extender la fe de D.I.O.S.

Pueden comprar "El Imperio Zombi y la Teocracia de Lariel" en DTRPG, o en la tienda virtual de Precis Intermedia!

You can purchase the English edition of RPGPundit Presents #45: The Zombie Empire and the Theocracy of Lariel here.


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia 

Monday 25 February 2019

Some Positive Notes on Cult of the Saints!

A few days ago Precis released my Cult of the Saints sourcebook, which details how to incorporate the veneration of saints (and their relics, icons,  miracles, etc) plus a moderately big list of saints popular in the medieval era (some still well known, others weird and now obscure).

Well, apparently this product hit a niche several people were looking for, whether they knew it before or figured it out just now. Anyways, there's been a lot of people commenting on how they either wanted this book (or something like it) for a long time or how they've picked it up and liked it.

So I thought I'd share with you a couple of reviews.  First, a review posted in the DTRPG page for Cult of the Saints, by Eric H (who gave it 5 stars):

"Very nice product that gives a great sub-system to make Clerics in Old-School Dungeons and Dragons a little more flavorful and "Medieval Authentic". I have tried this approach myself in home-brew settings but this product does a much better job than I did.
Reminds me of the old days of my D&D experience, before Pantheon-istic Settings."

Second, one that was posted here in the comments, from David Johnston, which includes his try at a saint that doesn't appear in my book!:

"Currently using Lion & Dragon / Dark Albion for my Midderlands game. The saints book has been really useful. My player band is known as "The Pilgrims of St Jude" and do "Holy work" for the Clerical Order.

If anyone wants another "free" saint here is how St Jude is represented: -

St Jude

Judas Thaddaeus was one of the Twelve Apostles and it is believed he preached in Judea, Samaria, Idumaea, Syria, Mesopotamia and Libya. A farmer by trade, son of Clopas and Mary of Clopas, his father was martyred because of his forthright and outspoken devotion during the early years of the church. Saint Jude suffered martyrdom about 65 AD in Beirut, in the province of Syria, together with the apostle Simon the Zealot, with whom he is usually connected. The axe that he is often shown holding in pictures symbolises the way in which he was killed.

Known as 'The Saint for the Hopeless and the Despaired' Saint Jude is often called upon in desperate times by those who have lost all hope.

Patron: Help with lost causes, Zealous worship
Relics: Body brought from Beirut to Rome and placed in a crypt in St. Peter's Basilica
Feast Day: October 28th
Clerical Miracle: One critically failed (natural roll of a 1) saving throw which would result in death may be automatically passed. The resolution of a lost or desperate cause."

 So there you go! Be sure to check it out and see how you can bring the veneration of saints into your OSR or D&D game.


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Barking Dog

Sunday 24 February 2019

Classic Rant: Finding the Balance Between Detail and Practicality in "Authentic" RPG Magic

So I've had a serious bit of writer's block this past week. Obviously not with my Everyjoe articles, but with the writing of my new Appendix P rule-set project (edit: eventually became Lion & Dragon), where I intend to make an OSR set of rules but that focuses on a more "medieval authentic" style of play. It will obviously be perfect for Dark Albion, but also for just about any D&D game where you want something that doesn't feel like you're in a 'medieval times' version of Seattle or Portland (or Toronto). It'll obviously re-use quite a bit of the material from Dark Albion, including the actual medieval justice system and price lists, and a lot of the stuff on social class and character generation. It'll expand the very basic material in Dark Albion's Appendix P into a full-blown game manual, with more material for working it as a complete set on its on.

And most importantly, while it'll have minor changes to the character creation and some other optional rules or what have you, the biggest change will be that it'll scrap the Vancian spell system for a totally new set of magic techniques that are based on real concepts from medieval grimoires.

Now, what's been blocking me up, and that I just can't seem to feel totally satisfied by, is how to balance out the ratio between "enough detail" and "too much detail".

Obviously, AD&D has almost no detail in it's magic. Virtually none of the D&D or OSR books do. It's the name and spell effects, maybe a material component which you must have but that usually doesn't have any description of how it's used. No description of what it actually looks like to cast a spell, other than saying you speak some words (whatever those might be, it doesn't say), make some gestures (again, no idea which) and might use an ingredient (how, we don't know, other than that they're consumed in the casting).

I definitely want more than that. I want to give you an idea of what it looks like when you're doing magick. For some forms perhaps more than other. For Alchemy, I think it would probably be enough to explain that a lab is needed, and the other things you must do in it, the ingredients that might be used to some extent, etc.

But I'm not totally sure. I don't want a situation where there's an unnecessary level of detail. And after all, this is an RPG, not a practical guide to performing medieval magick (there are some good books out there for that, if that's what you want). Nor do I want something where the magister character gets vastly more undue attention than the other classes (or for that matter, all the magic-using classes get more undue attention than the non-casters just because of their various 'special needs').

So, I want some input from my readers, especially those who would be interested in this product. Would you want to have a LOT of flavor-detail in your magic systems, only enough that it made each type of magical activity distinct, or do you largely not care about the detail and are more interested in the mechanics, and would only want anything that would directly relate to mechanical elements of the game?

Let me know.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Volcano + H&H's Chestnut

(Originally Posted January 8, 2017)

Saturday 23 February 2019

I'm Not 'Going After' Mike Mearls; He's the Only Thing Standing Between D&D and SJW Stalinism

My newest video:

After Mike Mearls, comes the D&D deluge.


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Apple + Dunhill's Elizabethan Mixture

Friday 22 February 2019

DCC Campaign Update: The Halfling is Doing the Peepee Dance

In our last session, the PCs had pretty much wasted their time in Coolland. That is, until they got into the Time Cabinet (obtained after Bill the Elf murdered the dwarves who were piloting it) and accidentally ended up traveling far back in time to the era before the Great Disaster. They ended up in a Dwarven Machinehold, where they found that the Dwarves were all disturbingly happy, friendly and contented (totally unlike any Dwarf they'd ever met in the present).  They were sent to see an Ancient, and that Ancient turned out to look exactly like Roman (the alter ego of the daemon Zargon in the present era)!


-"I'm actually going to ignore the halfling's problem."
"You're an example to us all."

-"I'm actually just going to stop paying attention to anyone in the room now."
"To be fair, that's what you've been doing for most of the campaign."

-"The halfling is in a strange place full of mist. He's freezing cold yet also erect."
"I panic on the inside."

-"Suddenly you hear a voice: "hellooo?? Who is this?""
"This is Bad!"
"You're right, this is very bad!"
"No, I'm Bad!"
"They're doing some kind of Who's On First thing..."

-"Your friends are in danger! You know, the snake-headed guy, the asshole and the shady one!"
"Which one am I?"
"I'm confused that Bill isn't the asshole."
"Maybe Bill is all three!"

-"Oh shit, Bad the Halfling is talking to the King of Elfland."

-"Your friends have gone back in time, before the Great Disaster!"
"But there's still hope, so long as one of the dwarves is still alive!"

-"You have to kill the one who will betray you all!"
"Well, that could be anyone, really..."

-"I am going to use all the power I have left to send you back 10000 years.  After this, I will have to sleep for 100 years."
"Could I get a magic axe or something?"
"No, you can only take what's on you... that's how time travel works."
"No it isn't!"

-"Bill is turning Presbyterian!"
"Oh no!"
"That's going around these days.."

-Meanwhile, the rest of the PCs are busy meeting an Ancient who looks just like Roman.
"What the hell are you goddamn things? Oh wait... Bob Gobluz sent you guys from his biolab, didn't he?"

"A hologram that looks just like Zargon did in the future appears: Yes, master?"

-"OK, I have proof we came from the future!"
"That's impossible. Time travel was disproven."
"No, I can prove it.. I have video!"
"Yes, of when Sezrekhan attacked the Crown of Creation!"
"Sezrekhan? The Elementary Education AI?"

-"We have to stop the Dark Ones!"
"That's racist!"
"Alright, I'll bite: what's a Dark One?"

-"For fucks' sake Catboy, you realize you just showed the video of Zargon in the future, to Zargon?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You realize that's probably WHY he comes up with whole idea?"

-"What I can't believe is that Bill the Elf is being the least disruptive person in the party right now..."

-Roman refuses to believe the PCs come from the future.
"Come on! I think you guys have been mind-affected!"
"We have, but that's not relevant."

-"So you're telling me that some Ancients from the future sent you guys back here??"
"No, the Ancients are all dead."
"What? How do you even exist, then?"

-"Sir, my scans of these beings does detect artron energy."
"I thought that was theoretical?"
"Yes sir, but its presence could support the theory of time travel... wait, sir, I'm picking up another big burst of artron energy manifesting in front of us!"
"Oh shit!"

-"Suddenly, the halfling appears! He's still frozen in carbonite."
"The king of elfland sent him just as he was."

-"So this was just a practical joke!"
"No! He's a friend of ours!"
"Look, I know what that thing is... it's one of Gobluz's bio-experiments in half-sized humans!"
"No, he's a halfling!"
"Hey, that's a good name for those!"

-"So you don't know what the Dark Ones are?"
"Hey, I could summon some here if I cast control fire?"
"No, Bill!!"

-"Catboy and Bill keep telling Zargon what he's going to do in the future."
"God damn it, quit giving him ideas!"
"That means cheese in Mexican."
"I just wanted to be part of the conversation."

-"A female dwarf smiles at Catboy, mumbling at another dwarf that he's a cute one."
"You could have her.."
"Maybe that's how the catperson race was originally created? As a freakish dwarf-cat mix?"

-"Bill gets Roman high with the Primo staff."

-"Zargon, if you love him, you'll let us save Roman by taking him with us."

-The Dwarves melt off the carbonite.
"The Halfling is awake, but will be blind for a time and will have priapism for the next 4-6 hours."

-"nooo... we have to save them..."
"What's wrong with him?"
"It might have been the carbonite; he might have brain damage."

-"So you will end up killing me in the future?"
"Yes, Zargon."
"But now that you have told me, I will know, and could change the future."
"But if you did, we might not end up being able to come back here and save Roman from the Dark Ones. So to save him, you have to die..."

-"My programming and my love for him both oblige me to let you take Roman with you..."

-"OK, you dwarves come with us..."
"No! We're happy in the Machineholds!"
"A giant tentacled thing has just burst in and is going to kill all of you!"
"But we'll never be happy outside our Machineholds!"
"I Lotus Stare the dwarf."
"So, you were just bitching at Zargon about free will and now..."
"Shut up, Catboy!"

-"How many Dwarves did we save?"
"The one that came willingly, the one that was coerced, and the one you lotus stared."

-"I love how you guys went back to the Disaster and essentially did nothing."
"Well, it was too late!"
"Yeah, if only someone hadn't murdered the dwarves who took the time cabinet in the first place..."

-"Can I access my tablet while time traveling?"
"It's on Roaming. Do you want to connect to BOLTO-net?"
"Do you accept cookies?"

-"So we accomplished nothing?"
"I took a selfie with Zargon!"

-"WARNING: your connection has been detected as originating from an Illegal Time Device. Countermeasures have been deployed."
"I break my tablet."

-"I hope we arrive a day before we left."
"Because at the dinner the night before I ordered the chicken and I really should have had the fish!"

-The Time Cabinet finally arrives, with a big crash and more sparks flying from the controls.  When the PCs open the door, they gaze upon the ruins of Coolland!
"Geez, what did we miss??"

-It turns out the PCs have actually traveled 100 years into the future!
"I cast Holy Sanctuary."
"Sami, you find that G.O.D. appears to be offline!"
"Oh shit!"

-"This is like Buck Rogers shit!"

-The PCs see two large armies marching toward one another.

-"What's your name, dwarf?"
"Blerm son of Phlerm... and you are the first human woman I've ever met"
"Hmm.. sure, why not?"
"Apparently, Dwarves are just hairy enough to arouse Sami."

-"Are you alright?"
"I understand why I exist now..."
"Sami feels dirty."

-Heidi flies over to the two opposing armies, who seem to have stopped their march and appear to be parleying rather than fighting.
"Who are you?"
"That's not possible.. Heidi's dead!"

-"Heidi is an enemy of our master!"
"You know of Heidi's importance to the God-Empress!"
"Wait... is the God-empress Sandi?!"

-"Is Harry here?"
"He's our commander!"

-"Harry is descended from Heidi and Sandi."
"Yes, they had a son, who had another son."
"That's usually how it works, yes."

-"How did you come to be here?"
"We fell asleep for 100 years... in Treeland."

-It turns out the other army, the one Harry doesn't command, is composed of servants of Zargon!
"How is Zargon still here, Harry?"
"Oh, I see.. you thought you'd killed him but he feigned his demise. Somehow it's like he knew when and how you would kill him."
"Damn it, Catboy!"
"Ok, listen carefully Harry... you need to go back in time.."

-"Who is in the Crown of Creation?"
"The Dark Ones!"
"How did they get there?"
"Checks out."

-The two armies, to maintain their temporary truce, agree to take Heidi (and Catboy, disguised as a bag of rocks) prisoner.

-Catboy turns back into Catboy, and they're about to shoot him.
"Wait, that's Catboy!"
"Catboy?! That's completely impossible. He died at the Battle of the Portal!"

-"Sami? It's Catboy, we.."
"Wait, Sami??"
"Yeah, she's alive too."

-"Catboy looks just like his statue!"
"I have a statue?"
"Yes, in the entrance to the Hall of Martyrs."
"Awesome! Hey, wait..."

-"How did you think we died?"
"You were all killed by Sezrekhan, except for Catboy who abandoned you all to save his own life."
"Checks out."

-"How long will this take?"
"As long as it takes."
"Our masters are talking to their masters."
"We all have masters!"
"Your Master sucks."
"Your Master is a rainbow!"
"Your Master ruined everything!"
"We need to get out of here, Catboy!"

-Heidi and Catboy manage to escape back to the Time Cabinet.
"I can't take you anywhere."
"You mean anywhen!"

-"I think we've made it back to the present."
"That's the palace of Coolland!"
"Do you think we got here on time to change the dinner selection?"

-"So what the fuck are you, anyways?"
"I used to be an Elf."
"Holy shit!"

-"The halfling is still blind."
"I guess we have to probe him."
"The clerics could just heal me!!"
"Yeah, the thing is, they don't want to."
"I like that no one asked either of us, but just assumed."

-"Well, brother halfling, we're going to have to probe you; and this is just a routine medical procedure. But if you enjoy it you'll burn in heck!"
"I'm going there anyways..."

"Catboy, help the halfling get into position!"
"Get his clothes off.."
"We have to fix your eyes, and the probe takes the long way to get there..."

-"Just like last time, the probe is actually just a scanning beam, but since the Halfling is blind no one believes him either."
"The computer creates pills that cure his blindness. And his priapism."

-Suddenly, the Time Cabinet is surrounded by Time Dinosaur Commandos!
"Hey, it's OK, you can take the Cabinet."
"Yeah, we know we don't deserve it!"

-Blerm the dwarf peeks out of the Time Cabinet.
"We have to go, Blerm."
"Yes. I have to go now!"

-"Did you change anything?"

-"The Time Dinosaurs are dressed in old fashioned military uniforms resembling Victorian British soldiers. One of them even has sideburns!"

-The Time Dinosaurs confiscate the Cabinet.
"Could you tell us where Sezrekhan's Phylactery is?"
"We are not allowed to interfere."
"You're interfering right now!"
"...we must go!"

-Sami seals the UFOe so no one can interrupt her while she spends a requisite hour in prayer.
"The halfling was already inside the ship! He's crawling through the vents."
"Oh damn, we have an infestation!"
"I wait until Sami is in prayer and then pee on her!"

-"I curse the halfling so that he can't pee until we find Bill's phylactery. Now, get out!"
"Can I get my pee back at least?"

-"I tweet: Blingbae is back; Time-travel adventure #BewareOfCatboy #"

-Roman gets updated.
"From what I read here, you guys really get around, huh?"
"You're absolute mad lads!"

-Roman explains to the PC just who the Ancients were: that they were the hyper-evolved descendants of the original humans, and the humans from the world of the Last Sun today were created as a re-invention of the original more primitive species.
"Can I get 1XP for having listened to the expositionary monologue?"

-Sami uses Divine Aid to remove Bill's Mercurial Effect of potentially summoning Dark Ones whenever he casts Control Fire, rerolling it to cause the spell to cast at a lower die.
"It's a win-win!"

-"Roman, what the hell is the deal with the Plane of Wisconsin?"
"I don't know, some nerds made it."
"I accept that answer."

-The PCs want to get to the Crown of Creation, and their plan is to take the UFOe to the Grey Realms, upgrade the planar drive, and go to Wisconsin where Roman can use his authorization code to transport to the Crown.
"Are we ready to go?"
"Where the hell are the dwarves?"
"They ran away."
"Who cares?"

-"Are we going to stop the invasion?"
"The Grey Realms aren't invading the material plane."
"They're invading the Jade Realm."
"You heard invasion and just assumed they were invading here."
"No, but I'm sure the computer or Troy or someone said..."

-"Hey, my authorization is gone! What the hell did you do to the UFOe?"
"Sorry, Sami, I'm in charge of it from here on."
"Roman's the captain now."

-"The Jesuses in the Sun are mostly dead."
"What? Jesus?"
"Sorry, sky-cleric, Mexican Jesus is dead."
"He wasn't even a real Jesus!"
"He was probably the sky-cleric's cousin."

-"Where the hell did you get that primo staff, Bill?"
"I created it."
"You are a true artist, sir."

-"I need to pee!"
"Maybe when we get to the Grey Realms we can get you a colostomy bag, halfling."
"He could throw the bag at his enemies!"

-"Why has this character become so pee-themed?!"

-"Less than 24 hours ago, Roman was living a relatively normal life in a utopia."

-"What's the plan here?"
"I see you aren't very familiar with our work."

-"Wait, Priscilla's parents are still alive?"
"Then why the fuck was she queen?!"
"She inherited the throne as a sweet-16 birthday present."
"So her parents are more retarded than she is?!"

-"Let's kill the Jade Game Controller!"
"You aren't even trying anymore, 'pacifist' Heidi..."
"Oh yeah.. I meant... let's go and 'talk' to him..."

-"Heidi is like a vegan who eats eggs. And fish. And bacon."

-"Here, Roman, take this cloak. You can use it to look like Roman."

-"You know, we could blackmail the fake Bill."
"Oh, right. He's here as a councilor for the Jade Controller."

-"Zeke, you stay behind."
"Really, Sami? You think I'm the one most likely to screw things up?"
"Damn it."
"You mean the Sky-Mexican, right? He'd screw things up?"
"No; if I told the screwups to stay behind, that would be all of you!"

-"We want to talk to Bill the Elf."
"About what?"
"A secret that affects the invasion plans."
"And you are?"
"I'm... Busty St.Clair."
"Do you have any ID?"
"I do!"
"Man those fake IDs came in handy..."
"Well, this checks out!"
"They were a good investment."
"I'm Anesh Gupta!"

-"I like how everyone in this party has taken on an alter ego with which to hide their identity."
"Except Heidi."
"When I want to do something shitty I just say my name's Catboy."

-"Is your halfling house-trained?"
"Oh don't worry, he's definitely not going to be peeing anywhere."

-"As long as Fake Bill takes the blame for all the shit I do, I'm fine with him pretending to be me."

-Bill rolls a natural 20 to locate Sezrekhan's Phylactery.
"It's in the Crown of Creation."
"Well crap."

-"The halfling is doing the peepee dance."

-"Bill gave Roman another hit from the Primo Staff..."
"..I was gonna modify the sky-ship, but then I got high..."

-"Why are you so mean to the Halfling?!"
"He peed on me less than 24 hours ago! I'm still... angered about that."
"Ha! Sami was about to say she was 'pissed' about it!"

-"Heidi, it's been long enough, you get a new will save against the charm effect that makes you charmed to Bill."
"Natural 1."
"Three more weeks of being my friend!"
"Man, you're going to be his thrall for the rest of your life, aren't you?"

-"nananana nananana nananana nananana Bill the Elf!"

-"In the early morning Bill is awakened by someone standing over him; a grey alien dressed up in the robes of a member of the Brotherhood of Assassins.
"My master Jal'udin has news for you."
"About Sezrekhan's Phylactery?"
"We know already."
"You know?"
"What do you know."
"Where it is."
"But do you know what it is?"
"we know it's in the Crown, that's where we're going."
"But you don't know what it is!"
"We'll find it."
"I'm here to tell you what it is. Just let me tell you damn it!"
"Oh, you know?"

-"Sezrekhan's Phylactery is the Libram of the 10 Spheres!"
"Oh snap!"

-"I was going to say you have the halfling by the balls, but really you have him by the bladder."

-Bill decides that it's time to give the Daemon-Slaying Sword back to Heidi, but when he reaches into the Briefcase of Holding to fish it out, he touches it and the Sword possesses him.
"Actually, now I really want to keep this sword!"

-Roman finishes his modifications, and they head out to Wisconsin!
"Sami is ONE XP from leveling up."
"Oh shit! That's the worst part of the danger zone!"
"You're in so much trouble."
"I think I'm just going to have kill Gary Gygax."

That's it for this session. Stay tuned next time to find out if the party gets to Wisconsin, if Sami really kills Gygax, and whether they can stop whatever terrible future is coming!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Hawkbill + Dunhill Elizabethan Mixture

Thursday 21 February 2019

Incorporating Saints Into Your DnD Religious Mechanics

In a Medieval-Authentic game, if you want to create a religious world that is even remotely similar to the European Medieval world, you need to incorporate the veneration of Saints.

With RPGPundit Presents #68: Cult of the Saints you can do just that! This sourcebook adds mechanics for the veneration and intercession of saints to your magical system.  Mechanics are included that allow characters to pray to saints for intercession, whether they are clerics or ordinary believers. You can try to pray to any saint, but if your character has a usual patron saint (or saints) that they venerate on a regular basis, along with devout religious practice, they'll be more likely to succeed of course.

In addition to mechanics to handle praying to saints, icons, relics, and saints' days, Cult of the Saints includes a list of 46 famous and not-so-famous popular medieval saints, complete with a brief history of who they were, their miracles, saints' say, location of their relics, and the effects of intercession for regular congregants or clerical prayer.  There's a few pretty unusual ones here, that might stump even some hardcore Catholics!

While designed as an additional prayer technique for Lion & Dragon, the rules here are self contained and can be easily used in any OSR or D&D game, as well as most other fantasy games with some slight modification.

So, be sure to check out Cult of the Saints on DTRPG, or on the Precis Intermedia Webstore!

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia