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Saturday, 9 February 2019

DCC Campaign Update: Can You Locate Our Self-Respect?

In our last session, the PCs had managed to murder a couple of Grey Realm rich-kid aliens, stole a UFOe, and then stopped a crazy peasant with a cursed crown and an army of clones. Then they headed back to Gaga, the capital of Coolland, one of the only kingdoms where Bill and his crew are thought of as heroes.


-The party is trying to find their missing PCs.
"They're probably in some pocket dimension."
"Oh yeah!"
"That's what I said!"

-"I'm a bit worried about Lenny."
"And Heidi?"
"No... Heidi can take care of himself."
"Yeah, I'm sure he's fine."

-"PM Fabio, does the Duke of Abstinence have a name?"
"..of course!"
"... you don't know what it is, do you?"
"... No."

-"We could give the computer the Duke's official portrait?"
"But he's covered in burns now!"
"Well, maybe we could just burn the portrait a bit?"

-"Bill wants to finally learn the polymorph spell!"
"That could work, while Bill studies, I could spread the word of the Lord here in Coolland."
"Zeke, that will just land you in fashion jail."
"No, I could make the Scriptures cool somehow, like by combining it with modern rock music!"

-"I need something that belonged to the Duke."
"What for?"
"I could Locate him."
"Locate? Or Magic Missile?"
"Magic Missile is a type of Locate!"

-"The people demand Blingbae!"

-"Damn it, I'll have to learn Locate instead of Polymorph."
"No, stop limiting yourself Bill!"

-"Can I preach the Scripture?"
"Is that cool?"
"It can be cool..."
"That always means no."
"I could make it into some kind of a rap..."

-"Learn your scriptures every day, it'll help you repress the feeling that you're gay..."
"Guards, take Zeke to the Fashion Jail."

-"Bill wants to use your tower, Palumbo."
"As long as he leaves it more clean than the last wizard in his party did.."
"Don't worry, my magic isn't masturbation-based."
"That's lucky for Bill, since all the corruption and radioactivity he has would probably make that impossible."

-"Could the UFOe computer search for burned people to find the Duke?"
"I'm pretty sure Gaga has a lot of burned people, on account of the Fire Vampire Bill brought here..."

-"Computer, could you obtain DNA from Queen Zoey that could then be used to search for her relative?"
"What about with her spit? I could collect that... with my tongue."
"Damn it Catboy, why do you always have to hit on anyone who I'm trying to make my female friend??"

-Carlitos the Sky-Mexican Cleric is in Fashion Jail. He was arrested almost immediately after arriving, on the SS Sidequest, to Minaj. Zeke is brought in to share his cell.
"Don't worry my friend, the rest of our party is here and I'm sure they'll soon arrange for our escape from bondage."
"I don't think so!"

-"Please let me out!"
"Where are you from?"
"...are you a refugee?"
"just a minute..."

-Finding out the Sky-Mexican Cleric is a refugee, the guards let him out.
"I will get you out soon Zeke."
"I put my faith in you my friend."
"I whisper to the guard 'no I won't'."

-"You're a real sky-mexican refugee?"
"Omigod! I always wanted one of those! Now everyone will see how woke I am!"

-"my friends are here?"
"Wait, you're their refugee? Aww. Of course, Sami would have a a refugee, she's so cool."
"OK, the Mexican Cleric can stay with the party after all."
"Mexico 1, Sami 0!"

-"I'm going to the market."
"I'd say people might mob you, but you're Catboy so they won't."

-Catboy runs into Prime Minister Fabio.
"I was heading to the market.."
"The Queen wants Sami to know we have her Refugee."
"A sky-mexican?"
"Oh.. um, yes, that's MY refugee actually!"
"Oh, OK. From what I heard I thought it was Sami's."
"No, no it's mine. let's go to the Queen and not even tell Sami at all, OK?"
"Sure, whatever."

-"Look, we found your person!"
"Catboy rushes over and hugs the sky-mexican Cleric, saying 'thank goodness you're alright'!"
"Catboy whispers 'I'll pay you if you play along..'"
"how much?"
"1000 platinum."
"Boy I'm glad we found you!"
"Yes, I am so happy!"
"Yeah.. stop touching me!"

-"So what do you do?"
"I'm a cleric."
"ohh.. of some strange foreign-culture religion that oppresses women?"
"No, just of G.O.D., like Sami."
"Oh. That's boring. And oppresses women!"

-"You must have had a very hard life. But now that you are here we will take care of you and pay for everything!"
"That sounds nice."
"I like how Queen Zoey talks to him like he's retarded."

-"I'm going out of the ship."
"When you open the door you see Catboy with Queen Zoey and the Sky-Cleric."
"I close the door again."

-"What are you doing here??"
"He's my refugee!"

-Bill is up in his room in the tower, starting to study his spell, when he hears weird familiar noises, and suddenly a Time-Cabinet shows up out of nowhere.
"You see a group of seven dwarves step out of it, along with Heidi."
"I show them all the sleep rune and then I kill the dwarves."

-Bill slays the dwarves and is bashing their heads in with his primo staff, blood splattering everywhere, and that's when Palumbo walks in."
"Oh come on! Your spell-study methods are worse than the masturbator's!"

-"Hey guys, I just got a time machine!"
"Man, I like how each of the last three sessions we've been progressively ramping up our ride!"

-Heidi wakes up and sees all the dwarves, brutally slaughtered.
"What happened?!"
"They all had heart attacks."

-"Damn it Bill! Next time at least use the potato dagger!"
"Oh, yeah. I'm really sorry, next time I'll totally do that."

-"Why do I think this will all end up with the Time Dinosaurs showing up and sending us all to Time-Guantanamo?"

-"Help me clean them up.."
"Can't we just throw the dwarf corpses out the window?"
"Oh, yeah, but first let's undress them so that they look like little angels flying through the sky..."
"Fuck's sake, Bill."

-"I go into the Time Cabinet."
"It's smaller on the outside!"

-"Is there like a central control panel?"
"Yes, it looks like no kind of technology you've ever seen before, and some of it looks magical."
"I search for an instruction manual..."
"You don't find one. You know who probably knew how to use it? The dwarves."

-"Sami walks in: What the fuck, Bill?"
"No, no it's OK, they're all dead!"

-"Bill the Elf is like a goofier version of Ultron."
"To me he's like if Kramer from Seinfeld was a psychotic wizard."

-"Blingbae is back #HumbleLife #WealthyOnTheInside"

"Hi yes."
"It's you!"
"Oh, Catboy."
"So you're where?"
"With Bill."
"OK, huh.."
"Trying to get rid of some dwarf corpses."
"Yeah, I got here in a time machine."
"Those dwarves?"
"Queen Zoey looks at you funny, hearing only one part of the conversation."

-Sami flies up to the tower.
"What the fuck?"
"They all had strokes."

-"I grab one of the dead dwarves and drag him into the cabinet."
"as you do, some of his brains smear on the floor."
"Geez, you're making a mess, Sami!"

-"How are we going to get rid of these dwarves?"
"Blingbae tweets 'attacked today by dwarf agents of the Duke of Abstinence, time to stop him #LockHimUp'."

-"The cleric is off in the market trying to buy armor, when he sees an angry mob chasing a frantic dwarf."
"Reminds me of home!"

-"We could use the time cabinet to go back and save the Vegomagus!"
"The Vegomagus was one of the most normal members of our party..."
"No he wasn't, though I could see why Sami would think that, given that she thinks she's normal herself."

-"Let's just get the Duke of Abstinence!"
"Well, maybe Bill really does need to 'locate' him.. Locate him HARD."

-"He's Bill Chungus!"

-"Blingbae sends a notice to everyone to help locate the Duke, #"
"What's that? #??"
"It's a hashtag of just #"

-"OH! Could we go back in time and save Cool Morris??"
"No, he's from an alternate timeline. You could go find regular Morris."
"Eww, no."

-Sami tries to use Divine Aid to figure out how the time-cabinet works, but the only thing she discovers is which button activates the cabinet's self-destruct. She's about to press it when a weird force-ghost of Lenny appears!
"Sami! Whatever you do don.. destr..the time cabinet! You'll need it. I'm with Nikos in a rhombus"
"Your connection is awful, Lenny. A rhombus?"
"Yea..told send this mes.."
"Sami you have to listen! ....started.. Sezrekhan...and tell Bill..."
"The sound is gone, and a second later Lenny's image vanishes."
"God damn it."

-"We could go back in time and take out Sezrekhan when he was still weak?"
"You don't think Sezrekhan could do something about that?"

-"Maybe we could contact Nikos directly?"
"No.. he'd fry my brain! Hey, maybe the Sky-Mexican Cleric could do it?"
"But you're a lot less important than me!"

-"Why not go back to the Disaster and stop it?"
"If we go back in time, we have to only do stuff that was supposed to happen."
"Oh, like Looper!"

-"Guards, can you leave me alone for a moment with Zeke?"
"Well, you're not going to try anything funny are you?"
"No, I'm not funny. Ask anyone!"

-"I can't promise to reject G.O.D., but I will stop trying to make the scripture cool."
"That's all we ask of you, Zeke."

-"Zeke doesn't know anything about the Rhombus."
"He doesn't know anything, period!"
"He knew about the Crown of Amilidiah!"
"Shut up, Catboy."

-Sami contacts Korean Jesus.
"What is it? I'm very busy!"
"We have a time machine."
"Oh shit!"

-"If you go anywhere, don't change anything!! Unless you were supposed to change it then you have to change it!!"
"That's what I said!"

-"We heard about this from Lenny, who said he was in some kind of Rhombus?"
"Did he say a Trans-Spatial Rhombus??"

-"I thought Sezrekhan was dead?"
"Yes but he has a phylactery!"

-"He's Asian Stereotype Jesus..."

-"No you cannot just go to Crown of Creation! It is not a tourist place!"
"Hey, I'm not a tourist, I'm an employee!"

-"So Sami just wasted 5 minutes of our time.."
"We could get it back with the time machine..."

-"Whatever we do with the time machine will have been meant to happen!"
"That's not how it works!"
"Sami is becoming a little Presbyterian."

-The PCs are interrupted in their discussions about time machines and Presbyterianism by an official invitation to dinner with Queen Zoey.
"OK come on guys."
"I'm going to keep studying."
"Should we really leave Bill here alone with the Time Cabinet?"

-"Where's catboy?"
"Who cares?"
"I figure if none of us know where he is we have a better chance of him doing something useful."

-"Ohh, selfie time with Blingbae!"
"Coolland selfies are just some guy doing a sketch of Zoey and Heidi and then tying the drawing to a bird."
"Why did I ever like Zoey? I miss Sandi..."
"Sandi's about to have a baby in a couple of months... we should check in on her."
"No, we should avoid her at all costs."

-"Wait, Sandi the Dark Lord? The one who's invading all the lands east of the Tangled Wood?"
"I fear that eventually she'll attack Coolland."
"That would put me in a really awkward position because you're both female friends of mine."
"Ha! The Sky-Mexican Cleric is not the only one who thinks he has friends when he doesn't!"

-"If you destroy time-space continuum, Elsa will hit you with shovel!"
"I don't know how you'd do that."
"Elsa would find way."
"I believe you!"

-Heidi decides to cock-block Catboy.
"What's that Catboy?? Sorry your majesty, it's Catboy talking to me on the comm... what? You say you're attacking black mutants just because? You're just that racist?"
"He's attacking black mutants? Oh my god! But... he was so nice to his refugee! Right?"
"Huh? Si?"
"I whisper to the Sky-Mexican Cleric... 1000."
"Oh, I mean si he was very cruel to me."
"Catboy made him do terrible things."
"With peanut butter..."
"Si.. wait, what?"
"Just go with it."

-"#CatboyStillACreep #BlackMutantLivesMatter"
"I'm putting him in Fashion Jail. In Coolland we don't stand for this stuff!"

-Catboy, meanwhile, had been resting on the ship, knowing nothing about Heidi's setup.
"You wake up hearing some noises outside."
"I go to the door to see what's happening."
"There he is, get him!"
"What? Why?!"
"You aren't getting away from us, you racist bastard!"

-"Heidi has been bad mouthing you to the Queen..."

-"I change appearance into Roman."
"Oh sure, that'll help."
"It might!"
"Catboy is panicking."

-"I'm done mothering you guys!"
"Sami says, for the 500th time."

-"Heidi, stop lying about me!"
"It was necessary."
"Because Zoey was feeling attracted to you, you asshole."
"I'd have fucked that up anyways!"

-"I'll give you another 1000gp"
"Wait, you betrayed me with Heidi for less than I gave you in the first place?"
"Well I thought he was going to give me 1000pp."
"That doesn't really make it better."

-"There is a direct correlation between how long you guys are in Coolland and the percentage chance that you'll all be banned forever from Coolland."

-"So Catboy is sneaking toward Queen Zoey disguised as Roman?"
"No, as a Trent."
"Oh right, because that's way more inconspicuous!"

-"Hello, I've come from the Tangled Wood and I must speak with Queen Zoey!"
"We've never had a Trent here before.."
"I'm from the Treelands, you may never have heard of it... it's really underground."

-"Treeland is the new Minotauria!"

-"Your majesty, we have heard of the accusations against Catboy and think there must be a mistake."
"But we heard it directly from Blingbae!"

-"Bring me Catboy and Blingbae at once!"
"Oh, your majesty I just remembered I have to 'leaf' now.. get it?"
"People have been thrown in Fashion Jail for much less than that, I think."

-"Why in the world did you want to abuse black mutants, catboy?"
"I didn't, Heidi!"
"Then why did you tell me that?"
"I didn't!"
"And why did you also do terrible things to that refugee??"
"I never did!"
"Call in the refugee!"
"The bidding war begins..."

-"So what are each of you going to give me?"
"I'll bankroll you."
"I'll send a tweet saying you're a cool cleric."

-"If you help Catboy, he'll end up sleeping with Queen Zoey."
"We won't be able to come back to Coolland."
"Because Catboy will fuck things up."
"YOU fucked me up!"
"That was a sacrifice I was willing to make."

-"This entire session has just been a series of 5 minute blocks of wasted time!"

-"Wait a minute.. this message you got from Catboy, Heidi... could it have been a Bot??"
"Um.. yes, sure, that seems credible."

-"Bill murdered 7 dwarves for this!"

-"There's got to be an instruction manual for this thing.."
"You know who probably knew how the time cabinet worked? Those dwarves you killed!"

-Sami prays and downloads the instruction manual to her tablet.
"Oh crap, it's 975 pages long!"

-Bill decides to restart his Tweeter account.
"Helping Catboy with casting a spell. ##"

-Catboy reads his rune-scroll, and creates a rune of forgetting, which he places on his hand.
"you know that anyone who sees it will forget about you after they lose sight of you, there's no way to turn it off."
"I cover that hand with a glove."
"So Catboy is now a Michael Jackson Impersonator."

-"Blingbae, where's your bling??"
"I've given it up. I want to simplify my life."
"He's Humblebae now!"

-"I should try getting rid of everything that doesn't bring me joy."
"Yeah, but I'm a Queen, that's pretty hard."

-Catboy finds that after Heidi's set up, things are too awkward with Zoey to effectively hook up.
"So how does Catboy spend the next two weeks while Bill is learning his spell?"
"He spends it on the ship, crying while he plays DDR."

-The Sky-Mexican cleric spends 11 days trying to cast Second Sight in the hope of having a really high roll. He ends up with a total roll of 19.
"You can see one vision of something happening in the next half-hour".
"Forget it."

-Bill successfully learns Locate Object.
"Can you locate our self-respect?"
"Not even with a Natural 20."

-"Sami, roll to see if you understand the manual."
"Natural 1."
"Sami has been driven insane by the manual, she's convinced it's all in a secret code and she's cracked it."

-"OK guys, I've figured it out. I know how to get us through time. Let's do a short 5 minute jump to test it."
"OK, that sounds sane."
"As soon as Sami starts pressing stuff the console shudders and you're all being tossed around the Time Cabinet, and sparks fly from the machinery, then smoke. Then finally it stops with a crash."

-The party steps out into a huge cavernous complex full of enormous machines. The place is full of dwarves, marching around in overalls and tools, whistling while they work.
"What are they?"
"They're dwarves, but they're all singing..."
"...and smiling!"
"Oh fuck; we're in the past!"

-They encounter some very happy very friendly dwarves, who are a bit surprised by their presence but not the least bit hostile or even defensive.
"Well you must be lost."
"You could say that."
"Let's take them to the Ancient, you're lucky he's here to do maintenance."
"You have an Ancient here? Yes, take us to him."
"Of course! But first, we'd like you to sign our Book of Friends!"
"Book of Friends?"
"Yes it's our holy book, where we keep a list of all those who are friends of the dwarves."
"Fuck's sake."
"I sign it with 'Bill was here'."

-"So we're in the past BEFORE the Great Disaster."
"You know, absolutely no one will be surprised if Bill causes the Disaster, right?"

-The dwarves lead the PCs to the Ancient Technician who's currently in the Machinehold.
"The Dwarves call out to the Ancient; we need to show you these people, they're very strange... the Ancient turns around."
"Who is it going to be?"
"Huh? So what the hell are you people?!"
"Oh shit.. it's Roman!!"

And on that bombshell, we leave you all for this session. Stay tuned next time, to see if Bill really does cause the Disaster!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Hawkbill + Image Virginia

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