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Saturday 23 November 2019

DMs: Don't Cripple Your PCs' Sense of Purpose!

In this video I talk a lot about Watchmen and other recent SJW media, and then about how the idea that "the DM should always be in charge of keeping his players entertained"; is bullshit.


Currently Smoking: Peterson Deluxe + Image Virginia

Monday 18 November 2019

Livestream: My Campaigns, & People Who Didn't Kill Themselves

Check out my latest livestream!


Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best

Friday 15 November 2019

DCC Campaign Update: We Have to Make This Look Like an Accident!

In our last adventure, the PCs (sans Bill the Elf, who the Catboy abandoned in the Giant Goblin kingdom) went into a hobgoblin warren and killed a weird mutant slime dragon. But not without a cost: the sky-cleric ended up petrified!


-The cleric's player rolls up some emergency Newbs: a dwarven mushroom-farmer, a Bharatan drug-dealer, and a mutant smuggler.
"Well, they're consistent as a party, at least!"

-Bill was last seen teleported right into the horde of giant goblins.
"The goblins immediately attacked you, got a couple of lucky criticals on you, and you're going down, the last thing you see before you pass out is a guy, flying toward you in what looks like a hovering mobility-scooter, an obese guy with an unkempt beard in soiled wizard robes and hat, shouting 'hang on, I'm a coming'!"

-Bill regains consciousness in what appears to be a tour bus, with the aforementioned fat wizard guy, and.. Fake Bill (the con artist who had been previously posing as Bill the Elf in the Grey Realms)!
"What.. what's happening?"
"Hi there friend! Big Fat Merlin saved you, Bill!"

-"Who's Big Fat Merlin?"
"He is; he's my road manager!"
"What's a Road Manager?"
"That's best explained... in song!"

-"That song didn't explain anything!"

-"I guess you know by now that our invasion of the Jade Realm failed miserably. It seems they were warned."
"yeah, that's too bad."
"And because of that disaster, the Game Controller was overthrown in a revolution to restore the monarchy, and I had to run away back to the material plane, where I started doing a Bill the Elf tour, doing my musical act and threatening people for extortion."
"Wait, to restore the monarchy? Does that mean Priscilla is Queen of the Grey Realms again?"
"Oh damn. Because the Catboy left her back there."
"The Catboy is to blame for everything!"

-"OK, before we talk, I need to go to the Giant Goblin Kingdom and do a thing."
"What thing?"
"I'm going to set fire to the entire kingdom."

-"So what do you want from me?"
"I need your help, friend. The Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee is after me. And by me, I mean they're after you."

-"What's the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee?"
"They're a group dedicated to killing you, and since I'm saying I'm Bill the Elf, they're trying to kill me. So, I  need you to destroy them, because if they catch me I'll have to tell them and everyone else that you're really Bill the Elf."
"OK, whatever. Where are they?"
"Well, I first ran into them in Highbay."

-"I don't even look like Bill anymore, though."
"Don't you?"
"I'm a girl!"
"He's a girl?"
"Yes I'm a girl, Merlin. I have boobs!"
"Men can have boobs!"

-"In exchange for killing the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee, we'll give you these three newbs."

-"You're part of the Bill the Elf Family now, Bill."
"I am Bill!"
"Yes, but I'm the one everyone thinks is Bill the Elf. But now you're part of my organization. You're like, Billgirl!"

-"You newbs belong to Elfchick now."
"Not belong, I think slavery is bad!"
"Says the guy who just genocided the entire Giant Goblin kingdom..."

-"But first, Big Fat Merlin needs a spongebath! You, the pretty boy, come here!"
"Oh god, kill me!"

-"Do I get XP for genociding the giant goblins?"
"Yes, you get 2XP, the minimum amount awarded for genocide."

-"So, like, Fake Bill was just some crappy musical theater dude who happened to be an elf, possibly named Bill, and he just ran with it when everyone thought he was THE Bill the Elf?"

-The rest of the party has made their way out of the mutant-hobgoblin warrens, and find a small army of orcs outside!
"Kill them, for the Warlord!"
"Wait, we're with Sandi!"
"Who are you?"
"I'm the father of her son!"
"Then that means you are the famous Heidi the Inferior To Sandy."
"Yes, correct."

-The PCs get back on the ship.
"Computer, set course for Castle Dread."
"There's more than one?"
"Yes. The world of the Last Sun is huge, and in it there's at least three assholes who decided to name their castle 'Dread'."
"And there's probably like 20 'Skull Islands'."

-"Computer, scan me for medical conditions."
"So when do I transform?"
"...but there's no moon?"

-"We can't kill the Catboy because that would make us pro-sky-nazi... so we'll just have to manage him."
"What, like a road manager?"
"What's a road manager?"
"If only there was some song about that..."

-"Computer, probe the sky-cleric."
"What? But.. your probes don't actually go into orifices!"
"It's legacy programming."

-"The real Bill the Elf, who is a woman now, is coming to Castle Dread."
"So that's why she was so destructive all the time, she was in denial about herself..."

-"The newbie color mutant is orange and blue?"
"So we could call him Tide Pod."

-Bill meets Sandi again.
"I just want you to understand Bill, if you betray me this will end badly for you. I just have to win initiative against you to kill you. And I have a big bonus to initiative."

-"Breakfast at Castle Dread is giant chicken eggs and yogurt drunk from the skulls of Sandi's former enemies."
"Is there any fruit?"
"Jesus Bill, what happened to you!?"
"I think Sandi only eats meat, just like Jordan Peterson."

-"We're best friends now, Sandi!"
"No, we're not."
"But I don't want to be a friendless woman like Sami was!"
"Who? Oh, yeah, I forgot about Sami."

-Pi Lin hears about Bill's newfound objections to slavery.
"The Dragon Men who owned me have many slaves. Will you help me free the slaves, Bill the Elf?"

-"Hey Heidi, the dragonmen from the dragon quarter serve Marduk, a daemon. There, I helped."

-The party heads to Highbay, petrified sky-cleric in tow.
"There must be a cleric somewhere in Highbay who could fix him..."
"I know, let's ask Swanlee!"

-One short but irritating conversation later, the PCs are headed into the Highbay Rehab Dungeon to retrieve a cleric.
"I don't want to have anything to do with you people!"
"All you have to do is restore our cleric, he's been petrified."
"Fine... he succeeds in his check, and the sky-cleric is now restored."
"Good. Bill slices the other cleric's throat."
"Oh shit, why did you do that?!"
"Why not?"

-"Should I kill the newbs too?"
"No! I might need them someday after the Sky-Cleric dies."
"Fine, I'll just boot the newbs off the ship onto the roof of the Highbay City Hall."

-"Now let's go to the Dragonmen HQ, get those magic items you guys paid down-payments for, and then kill them all!"

-"Don't kill the dragonmen, Heidi, they're all going to laugh at you!"
"LOL, OK, Chariss.."

-"Pi Lin thinks you are a good man, Bill."
"No he's not! He just brutally murdered a cleric for no reason!"
"That cleric was a slave to his addictions. I freed him!"
"Goddamn it Bill."
"I told you there would be consequences!"

-The PCs make their way to the House of 1000 Orchids, where they meet Master Po of the Dragonmen and his various attendants, guards and slaves. 
"Bill keeps asking them about Marduk, like, you guys worship Marduk don't you?"
"We follow the correct temple rites."
"They're Confucians!"

-"Heidi is grabbing his sword."
"Catboy takes the dragonman aside: can I talk to you for a second?"
"Listen to me: you and everyone with you are dead men. They're going to kill you for following daemons!"
"I see. Thank you for this kind information. We will take care of things."
"Ok, so, you'll stop talking about Marduk?"
"Yes. And you will of course benefit from having given us this information."

-A while later, the Dragonmen bring tea.
"I don't drink."
"Me either."
"Do any of you drink?"
"The Catboy drinks."
"OK, so only the Catboy and Chariss are drinking any of the tea."

-"Suddenly, a canister is dropped from the ceiling, and releases a poison gas! Everyone except Catboy make a saving throw."
"Why not Catboy?"
"He's the only one who drank the tea!"
"Motherfuckers. The tea was an antidote."
"They manipulated your natural paranoia."

-Most of the characters were able to either get breathers on or make their fortitude save. But now, ninja-like assassins attack!

-Chariss makes a run for it.
"You guys hold them off, I'm going to steal all the drugs!"

-"Ropework casts Shield. But he got a 1."
"Your shield manifests under your feet, and now you're sliding around on it like a hoverboard."

-"You notice none of the ninjas are attacking the Catboy."
"Because the Catboy snitched to them about Heidi!"

-The ninjas are using poison darts that paralyze most of the PCs. Everyone is down except Bill.
"I blow the horn of dutchmen!"
"7 dutchmen appear... isn't that weird?"
"Why did this have to happen while the sky-cleric is unconscious?!"
"They're dutch, not germans."
"It's sort of the same."
"Just weirder."

-"Catboy, when you step out the door you see that when the Dragonmen sounded the gong, all the Dragonmen and armed mutant servants/slaves are coming out of every building and heading toward the House of 1000 Orchids to join the fight."
"Do not attack the Catboy! He helped us with information."

-"What are you doing?"
"Our enemies will either be killed or enslaved. But not you, because you betrayed your allies with information to us."
"The sky-cleric is paralyzed but can he hear all this?"

-"Too bad we don't still have another Cleric who can cure paralysis and didn't get his throat cut, huh?"
"Damn you, Bill."

-Ropework is dead!
"Oh damn."
"He had just gotten to level 2!!"
"I can't believe he was only just level 2."
"He was very memorable."
"Mostly for his shitty spells."
"For some reason, a lot of characters die right after leveling. Maybe that's the real Danger Zone."

-"Bill's remembering the last time someone snitched and killed the entire party."
"So Bill is going to punish the Catboy for doing by accident what Bill usually does on purpose?"
"Only Bill is allowed to kill the party!"

-"I told you that there would be consequences!!"

-"We probably aren't going to get those magic items guys..."
"Well, Catboy might."
"His reward for betrayal will be to finally own pants!"

-"Tell us what you said, Catboy!"

-Catboy manages to convince the Dragonmen that the whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding.
"You guys didn't understand what I was saying. They were never going to betray you!"
"The Dragon Council will decide how to proceed in adjudicating this."

-The PCs are freed by the Dragonmen, and are brought before the Dragon Council.
"Can we just get our items?"
"We will award restitution."
"Well, one of our party members died. Could you give us three newbies?"
"Ah, I see you are familiar with the cosmic principle of '3 for 1'!"

-"Master Po will also pay for the funerary rites of your dead companion."
"I shall, Venerable Masters, but I do not know his funerary customs."
"Oh.. he needs to be... tightly bound in rope all over his body, like a mummy. And then set on fire!"

-The Dragonmen hand over the three newbies: they're two feral halflings and an Hipster Elf thrift-store salesman.

-"Now that the dragonmen have given us our magic items... I will try to decapitate Master Po!"
"Oh shit."
"Are you sure? Catboy, the Cleric and the Dwarf have all left already.."
"I don't care."

-Heidi surprise attacks, decapitating Po in front of all his guards and dragonmen!
"Oh shit!"

-"We have to find a way to make this look like an accident!"

-While the Catboy and the others are flying up toward the ship, they spot Chariss clinging to a roof.
"Hey, you guys!! I stole ALL the drugs!"
"The magic ones?"
"Damn. Go get her!"

-"So Chariss was gone the whole time?"
"Yeah, she left at the start of the first fight, and no one saw her until now."
"Yeah, she said she was going to steal all the drugs, and she stole all the drugs!"
"She's a blob of her word."
"Right now, she's the most effective member of the party!"

-Heidi fumbles against a 1HD guard.
"Your feeble attack looks laughable!"
"Damn it, Chariss was right!"

-"Heidi, do you want to pull out?"
"That's what Sandi asked him!"

-The party manages to escape after massacring a large number of dragonmen.
"Oh no! Now the dragonmen won't do the funerary rites for Ropework!"
"You mean the ritual that you totally made up?"

-"Well, that's the end of this session."
"But the Cleric still has to level!"
"You know what we say to leveling up... not today!"

Stay tuned for more!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Acorn + Image Virginia

Thursday 14 November 2019

D&D SJWs Want Segregation

In today's video: there's a particular group of people in the RPG hobby that want to segregate gamers according to qualities like sexuality, race or gender.

They're called SJWs.

Check it out:


Currently Smoking: Neerup Egg + Image Virginia

Monday 11 November 2019

A Great Actual Play Report From a Satisfied Lion & Dragon Customer!

So today I bring you a message sent to me on MeWe chat, with permission to reprint here, by Glenn. he'd picked up Lion & Dragon, and decided to use it to run his very first RPG game!  Note that I don't personally know this guy, and as far as I recall this was part of his first communication with me.

Check it out:

It finally happened. Four of the five people who expressed interest in L&D were available last weekend, so I ran a session zero and a short into adventure set in the Broads between Suffolk and Norfolk that I've titled "Black Shuck and the Bog Men." As a virgin DM, I woke up that morning like a man facing execution, but everyone had a blast. 

A couple of observations; First, everyone role-played like crazy. Mandy and Brandon did accents and gestures. Tom and Mark, on the other hand, more or less narrated their characters thoughts, actions, and feelings, and as DM I kind of bounced back and forth. Some of that may be self-selection--people who want to do OSR and L&D have an appetite for better role-play, but I think it supports your theory that you are almost forced to give your PC a personality when you can't be a tiefling, lizardfolk or a talking bird, or whatever. Second, I tried to to set the stage as organically as possible without any history lectures, but that took more time than I anticipated. It think that is mainly because the medieval world between 1450-1500 is a more alien place than Forgotten Realms. On the plus side, that lack of familiarity with the setting amped up the tension and made every encounter more exciting.

I am looking forward to the L&D Compilation. I've gotten a lot out of the material I've bought through the Drive-Thru RPG website. In particular, The Guide to Medieval Aristocracy and The Cult of Saints, were godsends when putting together my campaign.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti A + Image Latakia 

Saturday 9 November 2019

Para mis fans en Castellano, fui entrevistado sobre la OSR, D&D, y varios otros temas (siempre controversiales) de RPGs por Runas Explosivas!

Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Rhodesian + McLintock's Syrian Latakia

Thursday 7 November 2019

On Kids' RPGs and Kids Playing RPGs

Today, my no-doubt doomed to be unpopular opinions on recruiting your kids to play in your RPG games.

RPGpundit Currently Smoking: Neerup Hawkbill + Image Virginia

Saturday 2 November 2019

Livestream! RPGPundit: First Avenger

Check out my longest livestream yet. The first hour is about RPG stuff, including a history of the RPGPundit over the last 15 years of the hobby. The other 90 minutes is mostly about politics, including facing off with some ethno-nationalists.


Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best