The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Saturday, 4 April 2020

SJW Dungeonworld Designer Caught in Toxic Masculinity Scandal!

Adam Koebel, the SJW Male-feminist Dungeonworld creator who accused the OSR of "toxic masculinity" ends up destroying his livestream gaming group by forcing a robot-rape scene on a woman gamer while he laughed.
Check it out!

Sunday, 29 March 2020

Inappropriate Characters Tonight! One of us is Infected!

Join me, Venger & Grimjim right now, at 7:30pm Central tonight LIVE where we talk about how gamers are handling the Plague, answer your questions & much more! Plus, find out which of us is infected!

Saturday, 21 March 2020

DCC Campaign Update: He's Scimitarded!

In our last adventure, the PCs were wandering their way through the great pyramid of the City of the Atheists, on a quest to obtain Potion 21, the most powerful potion in creation, which they want to use to destroy Sezrekhan. Making their way through the weird environment, the party experienced the unfortunate death of the Trans-Mutant Warrior, after he had also been shrunk to 3 inches in height and turned into a girl (he's had a pretty rough time of things in the pyramid).  But they decided to try to use a dubious 'resurrection' scroll on him, and he came back to unlife as an intelligent free-willed undead.

The party then found their way into a weird room and fought some rubber automatons, and discovered that they were guarding a trio of cryotubes, with living people in them! Could they be Ancients?


-"Are they Ancients in the tube?"
"How do you know?"
"There's three of them. There's no way the DM would suddenly give us 3 ancients."
"Wait, if there's 3 of them, could they be newbs?"
"But no one died."
"The trans-warrior died and then we made him an undead! Maybe the universe doesn't count that as alive!"
"We broke the game!"
"They're definitely not Newbs. Look at what they're wearing! I'm pretty sure they're retards! That guy has a rainbow on the chest of his uniform!"
"Maybe they're My Little Ponies?"

-"Who is going to open the cryotube?"
"Catboy could spend luck and mash at the controls with his paws."
"No, I can't do that anymore, I'm not a catboy anymore!"

-Catboy still manages to open the cryotubes by randomly typing at the controls, like in a bad movie about hackers. Three teenagers emerge, two mutants and one human, all in strange outfits with different chest symbols.
"Are you ponies, or care bears?"

-"Who are you people?!"
"I'm heidi, that's Bill the Elf.."
"Bill the elf?! Super Cool Teens, Assemble!"

-"No, he's... um.. the good Bill!"
"There is no good Bill!"
"I'm reformed! I haven't committed genocide in days!"

-"We should carry around a board saying 'X days since last genocide'!"
"Yeah, or you could just stop telling everyone I'm Bill!"

-"We're from the Legion of Super Cool Teens! I'm Color-Hearing Lad, this is Annoying Laugh Girl, and that's Explosive Diarrhea Boy!"

-"We're here to stop the Apocalypse Protocol that you caused, Bill!"
"That's over."
"You've been in cryosleep a long time."

-"Hey, can you show us your powers?"
"Dude, are you looking to shit yourself or something?"

-"You guys are seriously in the Legion of Super Cool Teens? You're not Substitutes?"
"Actually... we're Reservists. Someday, we hope to be Substitutes!"
"That makes sense."

-"What color is my gun?"
"B flat."
"Oh.. I would have guessed A sharp!"

-"What kind of superpower is it to shit yourself?"
"I don't do that. I make others shit themselves."
"That might actually be useful.."
"That's not a superpower! I did that every time I gave my hermanos some tacos!"

-The party decides to move on.
"Maybe the Teens can check for traps?"
"No, that's Check For Traps Lad."

-The party gets to a door with a sliding peephole.
"I knock."
"...what's the pasword?"
"is it... password?"
"...that was last week, but it's still good, come in!"

-"The room is a strange looking Cantina filled with a wide variety of strange looking humanoids, a band playing a cheesy tune, and a bartender that looks a lot like Bea Arthur"

-"Hey... you.. we don't like your kind around here!"
"...what kind am I exactly?"
"Undead pixies!"

-"Explosive Diarrhea Boy incapacitates the gnoll-like creature harassing the trans-warrior with his power."
"Wow... that is definitely a dark-side power!"

-The party moves on and approaches the entrance to a room filled with what seems like a summoning circle.
"Color-hearing Lad, do you hear anything ahead?"
"Danger. Also magic."
"You can hear magic?"
"Magic colors, yes."

-When the party enters, they are suddenly faced with a dozen demons plus a demoness; one of the demons wielding a black chaos greatsword.
"Boyboy stands in front of Annoying Laugh Girl, to protect her!"
"LOL, He's White-Knighting her!"

-"There's a big group of demons there, Heidi. You could fly up and drop a grenade in the middle of them!"
"I only brought pacifist grenades, I forgot!"
"He forgot how to be a hypocrite!"

-"I grab pixie-trans-warrior and try to push him into the demon's mouth!"
"Hey! I'm not Ant Man!"
"You're 3 inches tall, good enough!"

-"The Super-Cool Teens' powers are surprisingly useful!"
"Yeah, but their hand-to-hand skills suck."

-"Annoying Laugh Girl is hit by a demon, and she falls!"
"Oh no! My Pity-Fuck!!"

-The party defeats the demons.
"Heidi sunders the black sword!"
"Trying that could have destroyed your daemon-slayer sword, you know..."
"It would have been win-win either way!"

-"Heidi swallows the mystery pill."
"OK. Heidi suddenly vanishes!"
"Shit! OK, guys, let's wait for him."
"How long do you wait?"
"30 minutes."
"30 minutes later, he doesn't show up."
"Well... let's wait 30 minutes more?"
"Sure. No sign of him."
"OK, he's dead."

-"Catboy is still cursed by that scimitar he picked up."
"He's scimitarded!"

-"I throw my scimitar at the insect creature... return to me, scimitar!!"
"The scimitar does not return."

-Meanwhile, Heidi finds himself having been teleported to the Interspacial Rhombus, where he meets Nikos the mad immortal wizard!
"I am going give you choice: I can give you curse, boon, or teach you valuable lesson!"
"...I'll take the boon?"
"OK, your boon will also be valuable lesson!"

-Nikos gives Heidi a box with a button.
"I press the button."
"The box seems to unfold and transform into a 3' tall robot!"
"No, Heidi."

-"So you're like BOLT-0?"

-"Can you spread butter?"

-The rest of the party gets to a room where they meet the Devotees of Zorg, a race of plant-based broccoli-like humanoids.
"They don't seem dangerous."
"We only celebrate Zorg, with our songs, and playing of games, for all our lives, until each of us gets his turn to be devoured by Zorg!"
"What's Zorg?"
"He's our god!"
"So, like, you're sacrificed?"
"We are eaten by Zorg."
"Is that crude drawing of a gigantic cyclops eating a smiling brocoli-man Zorg?"
"Where is Zorg?"
"He's in the room down that hallway!"

-"So Zorg is just down that hallway, what's down that other corridor?"
"That is the room of the Sphere of Death!"
"What's the Sphere of Death?"
"Everyone all together says: 'there's two things you need to know about the sphere of death...'"

-"Do not go there, it is certain death!"
"OK, let's go check out the sphere of death!"

-"You get to the entrance to the room, and see that it's got no visible exits and seems to have nothing in it."
"Where's the Sphere of Death?"
"Maybe it appears if someone enters, like the last one?"
"Go on then..."
"I don't know.."
"Forget it, Bill will blow the Horn of Dutchmen!"
"Five Dutchmen appear!"
"Isn't that weird?"

-The Dutchmen enter the room, and a large sphere of sinister energy appears in the middle of it!
"No one touch it."
"Are you sure?"
"Catboy throws his scimitar at it!"
"Hm... ok, the Scimitar goes through the sphere, and the sphere's energy seems to all get sucked into the scimitar until the sphere vanishes, and then the sword falls to the ground. Now it's covered in strange green magical runes."
"Holy crap, that worked!"

-Heidi returns, with his new Companion Robot!
"Hey guys, this is my Companion Robot."

-"This is Bill."
"No, Bill."

-"This is the Neutral Warrior..."

-"This is the Cleric.."

-"This is Boyboy."
"That's not my name!"
"Oh come on!!"

-"Companion Robot, do you know what those runes say?"
"Not suck anymore?"

-The party decides that before moving on, possibly to face whatever Zorg is, they're going to rest and recover.
"Yes, yes I would."
"For fuck's sake Heidi, shut that thing up!"
"It's helping me sleep, guys!"

That's everything for this session. Stay tuned next time as the DCC team keep making their way in their quest for Potion 21!


Currently Smoking: Neerup bent apple + Image Latakia

Thursday, 19 March 2020

Friday, 13 March 2020

"Adventure Paths" Aren't Deep-Roleplay, They're D&D for the Special Bus

Today: "Adventure Paths" and story-mechanics are not 'deep roleplaying'. For that, you need the freeform style of the OSR.

Take off the D&D training wheels!

Saturday, 7 March 2020

To Save Doctor Who, the BBC Must Be Destroyed

In today's video, I talk mostly about Doctor Who rather than RPGs, and how at this point the only chance to save this show from oblivion is to defund the BBC.

Sunday, 1 March 2020

Livestream: Is #DnD Twitter Worse Than Coronavirus?

Check out my livestream TONIGHT, 8PM Central: Is #dnd Twitter Worse Than the Coronavirus? Starting in 10 minutes from posting!

Edited to add: So the first livestream crashed prematurely, so here's the new one!

Monday, 24 February 2020

Cults of Chaos Flip-Through

In this video I show you the contents of the Cults of Chaos OSR sourcebook: a generator for near-infinite varieties of cultists, heretics, witches, sorcerers, heathens and other medieval-authentic villains for any D&D derived game!

Thursday, 20 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Don't Wear Pants of Speed in a Harem

In our last session, the PCs had found themselves in the City of the Pyramid, inside the dreaded testing chambers of the Black Pyramid, trying to search for the legendary Potion 21.


-Today is the 7th Anniversary of the DCC Campaign! That's somewhere over 175 sessions of DCC! As per tradition, Bill The Elf brought a rogel cake, which is basically concentrated diabetes; incredibly tasty, but you'd literally die if you eat more than one slice a year.

-"Wait, I wasn't here last session... what happened to Blake's nipples? Did he ever tell the story?"
"Yes, he did, but we're not going to tell you."
"You bastards!"

-The Sky-cleric had last been seen going into town with some of the catkid orphans, and he wakes up alone in a dingy room, mostly naked and chained to a bed.
"Do I feel anything in my ass?"
"No. In fact, you don't feel anything at all in your ass. You may have been given an anesthetic."
"Oh damn, that's worse!"

-The sky cleric gets free, and walks through an abandoned dingy building that is clearly some kind of den of sin.
"There's no one here?"
"Nope. You find your stuff after searching around."
"I go outside."
"The streets seem to be abandoned too, you're clearly in the slums outside of the Citadel. The sign above the door you just existed says 'human sex brothel'."
"I'm going to choose to believe that nothing happened in there, and no one will ever know."

-"I fly up a bit to take a look around."
"OK, when you fly up you notice first of all that much of the slums appear to be abandoned, either that or everyone is hiding indoors. The area for about 500 meters around the citadel itself is totally scorched, and you think you see some bits of bone there.  In the other direction, toward the periphery of the slums, you see many of the vehicles that were going to be used in the Death Race, they seem to have been just abandoned too. The race clearly never happened."
"What the hell is going on?"
"You see some movement, some people down below not far from you."
"I fly down."
"You see some catkids, maybe the ones who were with you before."
"Hey, you guys! I want to talk to you!"
"An interloper! Take him, for the Dark Queen!!"

-The Sky-Cleric flies off to try to avoid the catkids, only to have someone shooting at him from somewhere. He lands somewhere abandoned and contacts Roman with this tablet.
"Roman, can you tell me where my party is?"
"They went into the City of the Atheists. I literally can't contact them. I warned them not to go..."
"Why did they go then?"
"They're looking for Potion 21, which I told them to find..."

-"Can you do anything to help me with this?"
"I'll teleport you up here, but before I do, you need to know --- suddenly, there's a flash of light and you teleport away."
"I knew that would happen."

-The rest of the PCs are in the Black Pyramid, having entered a pocket plane that looked like a beach.
"OK, everyone split up and look around..."
"We search."
"You check out the area, suddenly you see a flash from the trees where Sami had gone to explore."
"We go over there."
"You see... the Sky-Cleric! Sami is nowhere to be seen, and he's standing next to a strange looking machine. The machine is labeled 'Substitution Activator', and the screen currently says 'recharging, 0%'."

-"Wait! Sami was with us, and now she's gone and the Sky-Cleric is here... I have a theory.. how come we've never seen Sami and the Sky-Cleric at the same time?!!"
"We have, lots of times!"
"Oh. Nevermind."

-"So the Sky-Cleric sees a hippie elf, a 3 inch tall pixie of some kind, a human boy, and Heidi."
"Are you guys a version of my party from an alternate universe?"

-"Where's Catboy?"
"This is him. He's Boyboy now."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Does this mean that The Man is now the Boyhunter?"

-"I check my tablet."
"No signal."
"I hope you're ready to be a warrior!"

-The PCs leave the beach, go through a hallway, and come out in an arabesque market town in the middle of a desert.
"Oh man... I hope there's..."
"Khlav Kalash!"

-Heidi immediately buys an entire Khlav Khalash/Crab Juice cart.

-"What the hell is that giant floating eye over the town??"
"It is the Great Eye."
"Does it do something?"
"Yes. It punishes evil."
"Oh. Can we kill it?"

-"How does it work?"
"As soon as you commit a crime, the Eye floats down and says 'cease and desist' and then it disintegrates you."
"What if we just got the eye to commit a crime?"
"Yeah, then it would have to destroy itself."

-"Khlav Khalash!"
"No one answers."
"Khlav Khalash for sale!"
"No one cares."

-"So how do we leave here?"
"All around there is a desert. The desert nomads travel it. The only other way are the Veils."
"The veils?"
"Yes, in the town it is said there are five veils that go to the other world. But it is just a myth."
"It's not a myth. We came from one, over there at the end of that alley."
"Over there?"
"Excuse me..."
"I don't think he's coming back."

-"Free Khlav Khalash!"
"It's free?"
"OK, it's a hard bargain but you are clearly a very good businessman."
"We just came here through a veil."
"yes, it's just over there."
"excuse me..."

-"We might be able to empty the whole city this way!"

-"Free Khlav Khalash and access to the veil!"
"You know where a veil is?"
"But to know where it is I need to eat the Khlav Khalash?"
"No, the veil is just over there. The Khlav Khalash is free though."
"Excuse me..."

-"A group of guys led by a dude in weird robes comes over."
"He is a priest of Zakoth!"
"You are blasphemers!"
"What's Zakoth going to do about it?"
"He will punish you for your blasphemy! We are the speaker of Zakoth! We are his arms and legs!"
"Is that his eye?"
"What? No, that's just the Great Eye of the bazaar. Zakoth is much more powerful!"

-"You are lying! The veil is a lie!"
"But the veil is right there!"
"No! There is nothing there!"
"These guys have arms and legs but no eyes..."
"That's Zakoth's eye up there!"
"Blasphemy!! That is not Zakoth's eye!"
"Then where's his eyes?"
"Zakoth has no eyes! He is omnipresent!"
"But then why does he have arms?"
"We are his arms!!"

-"Hey guys, should I poke the eye?"
"Sure, trans-warrior!"
"We could put C4 on the eye... but would that be a crime?"

-The PCs move away from the annoying religious fanatics and make their way to a caravanserai to spend the night. While there, they buy the freedom of all the harem girls.
"Masters, thank you!"
"No, we're not your masters, you're free now."
"But how can we repay you?"
"Well, help boyboy here get some, if you want."

-"Boyboy, roll a d20 to see how much you impress the half dozen harem girls you're spending the night with."
"Natural 1."
"You don't even manage to get your pants off."

-The rest of the PCs are sleeping split up in two different rooms. That night, deadly red oozes seep their way into both bedrooms as well as the harem room!
"The trans-warrior is on watch, and he made his perception check. He sees the red ooze moving into the room!"
"I shout to alert the cleric!"
"The cleric is asleep and your tiny chirping voice doesn't wake him."

-"Boyboy wakes up to screaming when he sees one of the harem girls is being smothered by the red ooze!"
"I grab my knife and stab the ooze!"
"You hit!"
"Finally Boyboy managed to penetrate something tonight!"

-"The dagger you used to stab the ooze corrodes!"
"But it's not metal, it's a wooden knife..."
"Wooden knife??"
"Well... it's actually a pointed stick."
"So you were just calling it a knife so people wouldn't make fun of you for fighting with a pointed stick?"
"Oh, Boyboy..."

-"Heidi, you woke up, hit the ooze attacking your room and killed it!"
"There must be more oozes attacking the others! I get up and immediately start putting on my armor."
"You know that will take like 10 rounds, right?"

-"Sky-cleric, the ooze is hitting you."
"I hit it with my mace!"
"You hit, but your mace corrodes."
"But it's magical!"
"It still corrodes. Now it's a +0 magical mace."

-"Now the sky-cleric has a -1 magical mace!"
"Damn it."

-"Heidi, punch straight through the wall!"
"You didn't need to tell me that, it was my plan all along!"
"No, not that wall! The other one!"

-"Heidi crashes right through the wall, Kool-aid Man style!"

-"At this point the cleric is more ooze than man!"
"If heidi slammed the ooze enveloping the Cleric into a wall, would that hurt the cleric too?"
"I do it anyways."

-"Boyboy hears Heidi crashing through the wall."
"Heidi's in danger! I put on my pants and head downstairs."
"The difference between Catboy and Boyboy is that Boyboy is socially obliged to wear pants."

-"What the hell happened?"
"They were Oozeassins!"

-"You guys stay here, I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"I have to check on the girls because they're tired after all the sex we had..."
"What's that stain in your pants, Boyboy?"
"He soiled the Pants of Speed!"
"It was a white ooze!"
"The lesson here is don't wear the Pants of Speed in a harem!"

-"Hey, we were attacked in our rooms by these oozes..."
"The servants of Zakoth!"
"Oh, so THEY are the eyes of Zakoth!"
"No, they're the ooze of Zakoth."

-The next morning, the PCs meet with a mystic who has a flying carpet. He tells them he can take them to any of the other "veils" that lead back to the pyramid.
"Can I have that carpet?"
"No, but you can buy it in the bazaar.."
"Holy shit! Shopping spree time!"

-The PCs buy a flying carpet, 82 healing potions, and a holo tv-projector.

-"Do you have anything else?"
"I have a magic amulet that can remove all sensations of regret."
"BoyBoy beat Bill to it."
"Bill regrets nothing!"

-"Do you have anything that can restore the Trans-warrior to his own size?"
"I have this potion that will change your form, but it is entirely random."
"Do it!"
"You had me at random."

-"Drink it all!"
"The trans-warrior drinks it and turns... into a woman."
"Am I normal sized?"
"No. You're still 3 inches tall."
"The trans-warrior is tinkerbell now!"

-"Anything else?"
"Well... there is this Scroll of Resurrection."
"It will raise the dead."
"But like, bring them back to life?"

-"So we bought a scroll for 40000gp, but it might just make someone an undead."

-"Anything else?"
"I have... The Stuff."
"What the hell is The Stuff?"
"It is... the Stuff."

-Boyboy buys a debt-slave.
"So he's a bodyguard?"
"Well, he says he's a great fighter, and that he has a magic scimitar, but I've never seen him actually hit anything with that scimitar."
"Maybe they trained him wrong on purpose?"

-The PCs immediately free the slave, named Narfez.
"My name is Heidi. So would you like to go with us?"
"Where are you going?"
"We're going to go kill Zakoth."
"Where is he? Narfez will kill him for you!"
"He's like a god..."
"Narfez will join you in this worthy quest, and teach you many things!"

-The mystic leads the PCs to another veil, said to lead to the place "most taboo to the cult of Zakoth". They step through and enter a room with a gigantic gelatinous cube, along with some kind of priest and acolyte apparently offering it prayers!
"When you enter, the Priest turns in your direction, and the acolyte draws her weapon and rushes toward you all."
"Heidi will throw the trans-warrior right into the priest's eye!"
"What did you get on the deed die?"
"The Trans-warrior slams right through the priest's eye, out the back of his exploding skull!"
"They he keeps flying and slams right into the gelatinous cube!"

-"Heidi will slice the cube in half!"
"OK, roll."
"Natural 20."
"You slice the giant cube right in half."

-"Narfez can't seem to hit with his sword to save his life."
"Yes, literally. The acolyte just killed him."
"Damn. Easy come, easy go. Boyboy kills the acolyte with his railgun."

-Moving on from the cube room, the party reaches a room with what appear to be some cryotubes.
"Maybe. Watching over the tubes there's some dudes in what look like full black rubber outfits with gas masks."

-"We cautiously walk into the room."
"The rubber guys notice you and immediately start firing high powered darts at you!"
"They're just darts."
"Every dart automatically criticals."

-"The Trans-Warrior is dead!"
"Yeah, my hit points were really low already."
"You guys just bought EIGHTY-TWO healing potions."
"Yeah, I forgot. My bad."

-"We use the Resurrection Scroll!"
"It works! With only two small side-effects: the Trans-Warrior loses 2 points of Stamina, and he's technically not alive."

-"So he's undead?"
"No, he's Trans-Alive!"

-"The Trans-warrior is a warrior and he's more fucked up by magical corruption than any wizard in the history of this 7 year long campaign..."
"He's a 3 inch tall undead woman now!"

-"Undead pixie women... there's probably a fetish about that."

-"I'm not dead, and I'm not alive... I'm more Neutral than ever!"
"They sent you to find the Neutral champion..."
"...and it was me!"

And with that bombshell, we end the session for today. Stay tuned next time to see the PCs undoubtedly causing many more disasters in the black pyramid!


Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Rhodesian + Image Latakia

Monday, 17 February 2020

The Old School Companion is a Silver Bestseller!

Yes, the Medieval-Authentic Old School Companion, the 266 page OSR sourcebook that compiles many of the "medieval-authentic" issues from the first half of the RPGPundit Presents run, has now hit Silver Bestseller on DTRPG!

This book, available in PDF or Print, is a big collection of material that is easy to plug into any OSR game (though especially good for gold-bestselling Lion & Dragon) including classes, medieval-authentic magic based on real medieval magic, easy domain management and mass-combat rules, detailed critical tables, a code of rules for clerics, advanced activities for successful PCs, details on court life and intrigues, medieval-authentic elves and fairy-lands, supernatural encounters, and more!

But if you want a detailed look at this beautiful book and what's in it, check out my video!

So, check it out, and don't miss out on purchasing the Old School Companion!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti half-volcano + Blue Boar

Friday, 7 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Catboy is now BoyBoy

In our last session, the PCs had made their way, with a big cast of NPCs, to the Sky-Shield, in preparation to participate in the Death Race 3001. Meanwhile, Bill was assaulted by a collective of psionics, who turned him into a lookalike of them (instead of a sexy blue elf chick). The PCs rescued him, but he still looks like a hairless weirdo with a visible brain-dome and no genitals; plus, the PCs forgot to pick up his stuff but by the time they came back for it everything had been looted.


-"So do we have all the stuff?"
"No, we're still missing the Funk Band, and the flamethrowers."
"This is the only shopping list with both of these."

-"Do you guys still have the Sunstaff?"
"We literally lost it five minutes ago."

-"I tell the street urchins about the Sunstaff."
"Will there be a reward?"
"Maybe we'll finally be able to buy our way into that orphanage we always dreamed of living in!"

-"I don't know if we can trust you anymore Catboy, you've changed."
"yeah, he sold out! He wears pants!"
"I didn't sell out, I grew up!"
"I remember when you swore you'd never wear pants!"

-"I think Catboy has just become a House-Cat now!"
"Take that back!"

-Suddenly, there's a flash of light, and Sami and Bob Loblaw the Law Blob appear!
"I got a message to represent Bill the Elf in a trial?"
"Oh my god.. it's Bob Loblaw!"
"The Law Blob!"
"Fuck you guys."

-"Hey Heidi, come with me."
"OK, Bill..."
"Turn around..."
"Bill I'm your really good friend, but I'm not that kind of friend!"

-"Bill is trying to polymorph himself back into his original form."
"OG Bill!"
"Hey, every time you cast Polymorph you destroy a tiny microscopic civilization, right?"
"Yes. I rolled it 10 times!"
"You aren't supposed to be proud of that!"
"You're just making Blob Loblaw's job harder!"

-"OK, now I look like I used to way back in the start of my adventures. I don't think anyone will even recognize me, Heidi."
"Gotcha... HEY EVERYONE! Just to clarify, this guy is Bill the Elf!"
"Damn it, Heidi!"

-"What are you even doing here, Sandi?"
"I'm here to win this stupid race, and then conquer the Sun. Duh!"

-Blob Loblaw agrees to represent Bill, after some negotiation.
"I just got 50% of his merchandising rights for life. You were right, Sami! Bill is a moron!"

-"So is Zeke Bodean dead, at least?"
"No, he's the Theocrat of Minotauria!"
"What? Oh for fuck's sake!"
"Yeah, he's basically the Pope!"

-The PCs try to get Sami to use Divine Aid to bring back stuff they've lost.
"Come on, Sami, try it!"
"OK, whatever... G.O.D., bring Zeke here."
"No, not Zeke, my sword!"
"Zeke suddenly appears in a flash."

-"My friends! This is an act of divine providence!"
"Yes, I was just about to be executed, when there was a flash of divine light and I was brought here with you!"
"Sami screams into her helmet."

-"Why were you about to be executed, Zeke?"
"The Organization has taken over Minotauria!"
"What? What about Minocles?"
"He doesn't really realize it yet. He's been busy conquering all the islands off the southern continent for them."

-"Fuck this. I teleport Zeke back."
"The roll wouldn't be enough to get him all the way back."
"I don't care."
"OK, he disappears in a flash of light."

-"OK, so tomorrow you better ride in the battle tank, Sami. Space Bear wouldn't want you on the Superfly. He keeps peeking nervously out the window at you."
"I'm married!"
"That doesn't seem to stop you, ho!"
"Laquanda, you know I could just Bolt-From-The-Blue you.."
"Not before I could bolt my foot into your skinny ass!"

-"Laquanda and Sami are about to fight!"
"That's it, I'm gonna take you down, ho!"
"Laquanda no!"
"Hold me back baby!"
"Catboy holds Sami back!"
"Big Fat Merlin moves his handy scooter between the two: That's enough, stop it you two! We need to focus on the race!"
"I guess you're right..."
"Good job, Merlin."
"That's what a big fat road manager does."

-Sami summons back the Daemon-Killing Sword.
"Oh yes!"
"You know it's going to control you, Heidi."
"It's not going to make me do anything I wouldn't do anyways."

-"Unter, you said you worship the Lord of Blood and Fire.."
"No, Unter, Heidi will kill you!"
"I am not afraid."
"Heidi attacks... critical."
"Unter is decapitated in a single swing by Heidi."
"Ha! Unter's not going to Valhalla that way!"

-"suddenly there's a bright flash and you see the Trans-Warrior appears!"
"Lords of Neutrality?"

-"Blob Loblaw.. I need to hire you."
"What for, Catboy?"
"I want to sue Sami.."
"My wife?"
"Yes. For possession of the Demon Heart."
"I don't think you can pay what I'd charge you for that."
"I can get you 50% of Heidi's Social Media Advertising Revenue."

-"Honey, you have to understand, Heidi's social media is worth a fortune in Coolland!"
"Ugh. Fine. I'll give him the Demon Heart on ONE condition."

"Yeah, Sami?"
"I want you to do something for me. I need you to shove this jar with a demon's heart up Catboy's ass."

-"Catboy, you're agreeing to this?"
"It's the only way I'll get the Demon Heart!"
"You realize it's going to totally destroy your ass, right?"
"He'll need a Cyborg Ass after this!"
"It's been a long time since we had a cyborg ass in the campaign!"
"I love that this is a campaign where there's already precedent for this."

-"Come on, Sandi!"
"No! Just leave me out of this. I'm only here to conquer the Sky-Shield!"
"Can you propose an alternative, Sami?"
"What if I get G.O.D. to do it?"
"Let me confer with my client."

-"G.O.D., shove this jar deep up Catboy's ass!"
"Natural 20."

-"Dr. Roboto, scan Catboy."

-Catboy needs emergency surgery.
"Blitzkrieg, does the Superfly have a clinic?"
"Oh hell no. You ain't going on the Superfly with no demon heart up in your ass!"

-"I charm Heidi again."
"Roll a will save, Heidi?"
"I fail."
"OK, Bill has Heidi charmed for the next 3 weeks."

-"Trans-warrior, you notice that among the racers there's one guy in a totally neutral grey power armor."
"That looks like an average vehicle."
"It is moderately average..."
"What's your goal for this race?"
"There are 2000 participants. I hope to come in 1000.5th place."
"I don't think you can."
"Because that is my goal."
"Then my goal is to tie with you."

-"I get the sleep rune from Bill."
"Heidi closes his eyes! You can't trick me this time, Catboy. I have 8 INT now, I'm a genius!"

-"OK, while Heidi has his eyes closed he can't hear us. Bill, put Heidi to sleep."
"I keep my eyes closed... man I wish I could hear what they were talking about!"

-The Catboy, Heidi, and Bill go find a clinic in the slums.
"This is the best one."
"Dr. Crazy Louie's Chop Shop?"

-"So Dr. Crazy Louie, can you do nipple transplants?"
"We're here to get the Demon Jar out of Catboy's ass!"
"Nipple transplants, huh? That's a very difficult operation."
"Well, I have six toes on each foot. Maybe you could amputate one toe from each and graft them on as my nipples?"

-"Listen, for that medical robot you have, I'll trade you free nipple transplants and throw in a robot personal assistant."

-"Catboy wakes up with his belly shaved, a scar across it, and he's wearing a cone of shame."
"We also neutered you!"
"You did not!"
"No, but I wanted to freak you out."

-"The rumor is spreading that the race is actually a sham"
"Where did that start?"
"From the slum cats Catboy was talking to."
"God damn it, Catboy!"

-"I write a sign that says: 'the Race is a Sham', and on the other side says 'is what I would say if the race was a sham, which it is not'!"

-"An angry mob arrives, demanding answers."
"You guys should disperse!"
"Wait, before you disperse: if you worship a daemon, raise your hands!"
"NO! No one raise their hands!"

-"When my baby is born, it will be born in a bathing pool filled with the blood of my enemies!"
"Sami whispers: 'G.O.D., break her water...'"

-"Catboy's stomach hurts.. it feels like something is moving around in there..."
"I'm sure its just my imagination."

-"The trans-warrior and that grey-armored badass dude are fighting for no apparent reason!"

-The Trans-Warrior wins the fight!
"As the grey-armored warrior is dying, he says 'take half of my possessions'."

-The mob of contestants and many of the people in the slums march angrily toward the citadel, abandoning the race.
"Do we still race?"
"Hell yes!"

-"Can we even still race? Are there any other contestants?"
"The trans-warrior just killed the last one!"
"So I guess we win the Death Race 3001!"

-"Maybe some of the other contestants will change their minds and come back?"
"You hear gunfire coming from the area of the citadel, and then see the massive energy beam from the citadel fire and burn all around the perimeter of the building."
"I don't think they're coming back."

-"I summon the Lords of Neutrality."
"Did you find us a champion?"
"Where is he?"
"Dead. He failed the test of the Arrow of Neutrality."
"The arrow of neutrality's effects are completely random."
"So it is the best method."

-"Alright. Our turn to conquer the Sky-shield!"
"Sandi, you can't fight them. They're powerful psychics!"
"I'll damn well try!"
"Wait... what if we try to convince the Wardens to help you conquer the Sky-Shield?"
"Eh... fine, I guess!"

-The PCs manage to get into the Citadel, with some help from Roman.
"Wardens, we need you to find out what's going in the Sun."
"You want us to contact the Sun to alert them of your impending arrival?"
"No! We don't want them to know we're coming, we just want to have a clue what happened there."
"Yeah, the last time we were there, there was... an incident."

-The Wardens, being frantic about the secret of their death-race fraud being out, nervously agree to help Sandi with platinum pieces so she can raise an army to conquer the sky-shield, in exchange for her sending annual tribute of the best adventurers to the Citadel.
"OK, so you're set up here. We're going to go on to the Sun."
"Is there any reason I should conquer the Sun too?"
"Not really."
"Hmm.. I guess I'll wait a few years, then."

-"What are you going to name your daughter, Sandi?"
"I told you, she'll get a name after her first kill!"

-Sandi, Chariss, Big Fat Merlin, Blitzkrieg, Laquanda, Space Bear and Blake all stay behind.
"Well, see you around, Chariss."
"Just remember: they're all going to laugh at you!"
"Well, we went from way too many NPCs to none at all!"
"Well, Blob Loblaw..."

-The PCs go into the sun.
"Everything is grubby and messed up."
"I cast Mend on the Sun!"
"OK, roll..."
"Natural 24!"
"Well shit; OK, you mend the entire sun!"

-The PCs encounter Republican Jesus, who's pretty surprised to see them.
"What the hell happened?"
"When y'all slinked off, Krishnan had a huge fight with all the Jesuses."
"So, who's left?"
"Just me, Chubby Jesus and Anglican Jesus."
"Not Korean Jesus?!"
"No, he didn't make it. That's why this place was such a wreck, he was the only one who got stuff done around here."
"The other Jesuses don't help?"
"Nah; Chubby Jesus just snacks, and Anglican Jesus doesn't do a damn thing at all."

-"Is Vizi alright?"
"Yeah, he's good. The Hydroponics Lab was pretty much the only thing left working around here before y'all got back."

-"What about Anema??"
"She ain't here. She took off with Krishnan."

-"Chubby Jesus is in the mess hall, eating bread and wine."
"Want some? It used to be water! I can also make some fishes if you like..."

-"Where's Anglican Jesus?"
"I dunno. He's probably either tending to his flower garden, or having another fit of philosophical angst about whether he really exists or not."

-"Anglican Jesus is dressed in robes that look like they're from a BBC historical drama."
"Oh, hello.. terribly sorry; I was just tending my roses and questioning if I do anything of meaning in the world."
"Can you do miracles?"
"What? Oh, no, quite sorry, I don't really believe in the supernatural."

-Deciding to move on, the PCs teleport to Wisconsin; having to leave the Sunstaff behind to open the gate.
"You get to Gary's basement."
"I run over to his table, roll a die and say 'hi Gary it's.. good to see you'!"

-Gary agrees to teleport the party to the City of the Atheists, but there's a problem.
"The teleporter security protocols says one of you kids are corrupted."
"Is it Blob Lowblaw?"
"I'm not corrupted!"
"I'm corrupt, but not corrupted..."

-"It looks like it's the catboy."
"OK, fair enough. I got the doctor to take out his appendix instead of the demon heart. It's still inside him."
"Son of a bitch!"
"Hey, I know how to solve this!"
"You do?"
"Yes, let's all go to the City of the Atheists without Catboy!"

-Everyone leaves without Catboy, so Catboy goes to the Wisconsin Church in the hopes of getting the immortal spirits of worthy clerics to try to get the Demon Heart out of him.
"Can you remove this demon heart from me?"
"We'll have to see..."
"Oh, I'm also a lycanthrope."
"I see. So we'll remove that too..."
"Can't you just replace it with some kind of cool lycanthropy?"

-"Hey, could you give me an angel heart?"
"We don't have one, but even if we did I'm quite sure you're too evil to survive it."

-Meanwhile, the other PCs have arrived in what looks like an infinite city of pyramids, with no signs of life.
"Hey wait..."
"I was just thinking... Roman said Zargon told him about Potion 21, right?"
"And Blitzkrieg said that according to legend it was the ultimate love potion?"
"So I think Zargon's just trying to have sex with Roman!"

-"hey guys..."
"What, Sami?"
"I think that my cleric powers don't work  here."
"I guess because it's the City of the ATHEISTS?"

-"Blob, honey.. if we have to, let's eat the trans-warrior first."
"You got it honey!  psst... trans-warrior, I'll represent you if you like."

-"Catboy, the clerics all pray around you, and then the demon heart bursts out of your chest!"
"Oh shit!"
"They keep praying, and you don't feel like a lycanthrope anymore."
"We are removing all his impurities!"
"You're about to turn into either a cat, or a boy!"
"There's a 50/50 chance."

-"Catboy is now BoyBoy!"

-"That might complicate things for The Man!"
"Does that mean that all the Holy Clerics just colluded with the Sky-Nazis?"
"Surely Clerics have never collaborated with nazis before!"

-BoyBoy tries to run away with the Heart, but the clerics paralyze him and take it.
"You can't keep it. We will put it in our vault."
"But I took a bottle in the ass for that!"

-"At this point I know my life is a comedy."
"Chariss was right, they're ALL going to laugh at you!"

-"At least BoyBoy's Charisma is 17!"
"That just means BoyBoy is a twink!"

-The group in the City of the Pyramids reaches one of the tallest pyramids and finds a chamber at the top. Inside, there are little piles of dust around a magic circle. When the characters enter, those piles of dust turn into robed figures!
"We are the Immortals. How have you arrived here?"
"Oh, they said 'arrived' not 'come', they know Adventurer Grammar!"
"We were adventurers like you, once!"
"What happened to you?"
"We completed the Path of Immortality."
"How do you do that?"
"There are four paths, I sense that you are only Level 9. You will learn of the four paths to Immortality when you become level 10."

-"Are you daemons?"
"That is another path. We chose the Path of Freedom."
"So the paths are like the political compass??"

-Catboy goes back to Gary's house, but finds out that Gary had failed to mention that he has no way to teleport people back from the City of the Atheists. So he asks Gary to send him to the Crown of Creation instead. He gets to the pearly gates and meets it's guardian, Teddy Roosevelt.
"Well hello there young lad, who are you?"
"Fuck it.. my name's Kile. I'm a human now."

-"Lol! BoyBoy is trying to go undercover."
"Don't call me BoyBoy. It's Kile now, with an i!"
"Really? Of all the names in creation you chose that one?"
"You deserve what you get."

-"Wow, I just realized: Heidi is now the only mutant in this party."
"Even more ironic: the only mutant wields a super powerful sword that hates mutants."

-BoyBoy gets teleported to where the PCs were, and then they all get told that Potion 21 can be found in the Black Pyramid of Trial. It is extremely dangerous and almost impossible to find. Of course, the PCs ask to be teleported there.
"Do we have a plan?"
"We'll just randomly wander around."
"That sometimes works."
"It works 30% of the time!"

-The PCs come into a room with a sinister looking wizard making some sigils on the wall, while a crazy-looking human sits in an oversized birdcage beside him.
"Do you serve a daemon?"
"OK, then this is just too weird, let's move on."

-The PCs reach an area where three psychics are sitting around a black box, apparently gripped in a telepathic war. A fourth psychic lies long-dead, seemingly suggesting that they've been there for a very long time.
"I'll kill one!"
"OK, roll a save."
"OK, you feel weird but then it passes."
"I'll kill this other one!"
"OK, Trans-warrior, roll a save."
"I fail."
"You shrink down to 3 inches in height."

-The characters reach an entrance blocked by a barrier of pure darkness.
"Jeez, too bad that in spite of having once had it, no one bothered to learn Advanced Magic Missile so we could shoot it at the darkness!"
"How do you know that, person who claims not to be Catboy?"
"I know you know, you fucker!"

-The party goes into a room that has some kind of pocket plane of a deserted island. They fight a giant crab, and find a book.
"What book is it?"
"The cover says BOLT-0's Pharmacopeia."

The party ends there, on the beach for now, as they continue in their quest for Potion 21!
A special shout-out to Sami's player, who had left the country but took time off their visit back to game with us.
Stay tuned next time for more questing madness!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

Monday, 3 February 2020

RPG SJWs Demand YOU Pay Them a "Living Wage"

All this past week, SJWs on D&D Twitter have been DEMANDING that they must be paid a "living wage", presumably paid by YOU, for their making games no one likes or videos no one watches or just tweeting 'diversity'.
There IS a way to make a living wage with RPGs... but probably not for SJWs.
Check it out:

Saturday, 1 February 2020

Looking Inside the Old School Companion!

Not quite a review, and not meant to be an ad. I finally got my copy of the Old School Companion, and I just really wanted to show it off to you and tell you what's all in there!

Check it out:

Friday, 24 January 2020

DCC Campaign Update: No One Is Wearing Pants

In our last session, the PCs had finished a side quest, and were planning their trip to the Death Race 3001, when they suddenly found out that the communication with Fort Dread was offline, and the mobster/IT-guy in Minotauria was being very cagey about it. So, the PCs decided that before heading up to the Skyshield, they would go back down to Fort Dread to find out what had happened.

-"Do we get to Fort Dread yet? Because I really don't want to continue this conversation about Chariss and Big Fat Merlin..."

-"Now this might be all the meth I took, but didn't that sky-mexican used to have a sky-nazi accent?"

-"Does the flying bus have auto-pilot, Merlin?"
"It has a brick on the pedal, if that counts as auto-pilot?"

-"Has it been a week yet? Do I get another save?"
"From what?"
"Bill's Charm Person."
"Oh, I think there's 3 more days."
"It's OK, now that Heidi isn't controlled by the daemon-killing sword, he's got no reason to kill me."
"He's friends with me still."
"It'll all be fine!"

-The PCs arrive at Castle Dread.
"You see that the communications tower appears to have been torn down. And the heads of the mob enforcer and mob IT-guy are on spikes on the castle walls."
"Was the tower cut down?"

-They're taken to Sandi's throne room, where she's still extremely pregnant.
"There you are! Where have you been?"
"Side quest."

"You do get that I'm on a timeline here, right? I wanted to kill Sezrekhan before this baby was born..."
"We can go kill Sezrekhan right after the baby is born!"
"Well, after the Death Race.."
"Shh, Heidi!"
"We should just forget about the Death Race this year.."
"Wait... tell me about this 'death race'.."

-"There's two things you need to know about the Death Race!"

-"It's a big race that happens in the Sky-Shield."
"The Sky-shield on the Sun??"
"Yeah Sandi, and then if you like you could conquer the Sky-Shield!"
"No, Bill..."
"I mean, you'd have to take the Citadel and then go into the sun and kill all the Jesuses..."
"No, Bill!"
"Screw Sezrekhan, let's go do that!!"
"God damnit, Bill..."

-"Yeah but come on Sandi, you want to kill Sezrekhan, don't you?"

-"So there's people on the sky-shield?"
"Catboy's actually from there!"
"Are they all like him?"
"OK, that's alright then."

-"The Citadel is controlled by the Wardens."
"Do they have treasure?"
"They can make platinum with their minds."
"...these guys shit out platinum??"

-"Here's the plan: in a couple of days I'll cut this baby out of me, then we'll go the sun, win this race, and then take this Citadel."
"And then what? You'll stay there?"
"No, I'll take over the citadel, then conquer the sun, and make these wardens shit out unlimited platinum!"

-"But Sandi, how will you conquer the world after that?"
"I just said... I'll have slaves who shit out unlimited platinum."
"But, you'll flood the market! There will be devaluation!"

-"Can we really take Sandi when she's about to have a kid?"
"Sure, we can take Sandi. Don't forget we have Mr.Roboto with us."
"All his medical programs were erased!"
"Yeah, but he still has his little labcoat!"

-"Well, let's reprogram him. Catboy?"
"Let me see inside him..."
"You see Mr.Roboto has a little switch next to his positronic brain that's labeled 'Kill All Organics?' and a yes/no toggle. It's currently set to no. Do you change it?"

-"There, he's been programmed to provide medical service again."
"Now he's Dr.Roboto!"

-"Dr.Roboto how would you proceed to induce pregnancy on Sandi here?"
"Do you have those?"
"We have drugs!"

-There's some kind of disturbance outside the walls.
"Come on everyone, we better check this out!"
"Catboy is going to take advantage of the commotion to stay behind while the others have gone and play on the organ of human intestines."

-Sandi summons her three lieutenants.
"There's a tough-looking human warrior with an eyepatch, a tough looking orc, and a short sneaky looking guy with slicked black hair."
"Hey, is that guy a relative of wormtongue??"

-"Ok, here's the plan. When I go to the sky-shield, you'll come with me Lt. Blake."
"Then we'll leave you nominally in charge Orc Lieutenant, but you'll probably be murdered pretty quick by you, Sneaky Lieutenant, and you'll take over, and then I'll kill you when I return. Got that?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."

-The party get up on the ramparts and see that Fort Dread has been surrounded by a vast mixed army of elves, dwarves, halflings, humans, mutants, war-elephants, Ack'bashian Jihadis on flying carpets, sky ships of many varieties, what look like small angry clouds of dust, and much more.
"Who are you people?"
"We're the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee!"

-"But you guys, Bill has become a female elf now, so if you killed him you're just being transphobic!"
"...we shall confer on this."

-"From some of the accounts of the Anti-Bill vigilance committee, it's clear that Bill's getting blamed for a lot of stuff he didn't do. Also, that Fake Bill didn't do."
"There's probably more than one fake-bill!"
"Yeah, there's like a Second Bill, Nerd Bill, Robot Bill, Bald Bill..."

-"Don't worry, Bill's impeachment will be quashed by the Senate. And by 'senate' I mean us."

-The representatives of the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee come back.
"We have communicated with the Azure Tower. They have given us a Free Pass."
"So it's not transphobic to kill Bill?"
"Oh shit!"
"Oh sure, if you're a woman now but conservative it somehow doesn't count!"

-"Well I'm a cleric, and I say G.O.D. wants Bill alive!"
"We are a group of clerics of the anti-Bill committee. Are you aware how many clerics' deaths Bill is responsible for?"
"That doesn't matter! PROVE that G.O.D. himself doesn't want to kill Bill"
"I'll use divine aid to call him..."
"Its Roman, see?"
"That's not G.O.D.!"
"Where have you assholes been? I've been waiting to hear from you again. Have you got any further in your plan to destroy Sezrekhan?"
"No, but see, there's this big alliance of people here to kill Bill..."
"Whatever; listen: I have stuff to tell you. I spoke with Zargon and--"
"Oh shit, take it off speaker!"
"Did he just say Zargon??"

-"So Zargon won't help us directly, but he did tell me about something that could help you defeat Sezrekhan, if you can get at him outside his realm or with the aid of a Cone of Neutrality... it's called Potion 21."
"Potion 21?"
"Yes. It's the most powerful control potion in the world. 30% of the time, it works every time!"
"Yeah! And the other 70% of the time it works 30% of the time!"
"It's illegal in nine planes!"

-"What plane is it not illegal in?"
"The City of the Atheists."
"I always wanted to go there!!"
"Why, Catboy?"
"It just sounds cool. And we've seen like every main plane except the City of the Atheists and the Garden."
"And the Garden sounds more boring?"

-"Catboy is going to try something stupid that's not going to work."
"No, it'll work! I bet my pants it will!"
"OK, let's give Catboy the chance to lose his pants."

-"I'm Lexei, current chairperson of the council of Azure Wizards."
"Hi! We think Bill is being unfairly persecuted."
"We know Bill the Elf is a master manipulator."
"No, he's actually a complete idiot!"
"He has like INT 6!"

-"You're being prejudiced against Bill!"
"I can't be prejudiced against Bill, he's much more powerful than I am!"
"You had the power to give permission to this army to kill Bill, didn't you?"
"This conversation is over!"

-"You have 30 minutes to hand over Bill, or we will attack. Also, the Azure Tower has now also given us a pass to kill the Catboy; but we won't use it because we don't want to help the Sky-Fuhrer."

-"We want to call Bill's lawyer."
"We would allow that, he will be tried and judged by us when he is in our custody. But who would dare to represent the most hated elf in the world?"
"Bob Loblaw the Law Blob!"
"Bob Loblaw?"
"Yes. Bob Loblaw the Law Blob loves the law!"

-"What kind of sky-ships are in the Anti-Bill army?"
"All kinds. Lol hates you guys, Fuck Station Aleph hates you guys, what's left of the sky-police hates you. The sky-nazis hate you too but they weren't invited."
"What about the Sky-Mexicans?"
"Well, you're not sure, but one of the sky-ships looks like a sombrero."

-"Blake could be a sky-pirate, he's already got an eyepatch!"
"I bet you're wondering where I got this eyepatch..."
"Um, I guess now I am."
"It was a Shit Eater!"
"Oh, we've fought those."
"No, the one I found was already dead. But I got some fecal matter in my eye and it gave me a bad infection."
"Yeah. I should never have tried to have sex with that Shit-Eater corpse."

-"Maybe Chariss could help?"
"Don't do it Chariss! Don't have sex with a shit-eater corpse. Its the greatest feeling in the world but you'll lose an eye!"
"We're not talking about that Blake, you sick fuck!"

-"Don't do it Chariss, they're all going to laugh at you!"
"Chariss has taught you well!'

-The PCs try to escape with Planar Step, but the mages of the Anti-Bill army were prepared for that, and the party find themselves trapped in a pocket plane!
"I'll check with Second Sight if there's an exit."
"Second Sight says yes."
"The cleric searches for some secret door.."
"You find nothing."
"Catboy searches."
"You find nothing."
"Bill searches."
"You find nothing."

-"The fucking Second Sight was wrong!"
"It's a useless spell."
"Someone once told me that a summoning that has a 30% chance of working is really great, and a divination that has a 70% chance of being accurate is useless."

-"I could try to escape to the Neutral Zone, but I'd have to shoot someone with a Magic Missile."
"I could summon snakes and you could shoot them!"
"You need a really high roll to actually summon snakes. Otherwise you can only "summon" them if there are snakes nearby."
"Maybe there's some snakes in this tiny empty pocket plane?"
"Are you saying there's goddamn snakes in this goddamn pocket plane?"

-"The Catboy doesn't want to stay in this pocket plane so he takes the drug that will shift him to another pocket plane based on his deepest subconscious desires."
"You all see the catboy disappear in the smoke; the catboy finds himself on a bed of cushions where Anema and Bovinia are both there fanning him, and no one is wearing pants."

-"Heidi is going nuts in this prison. He's needs to start killing people soon..."
"From his pocket plane, Catboy feels safe."

-The Cleric finally uses Divine Aid to get out of the pocket prison, except Catboy (who is still in the pocket plane).
"Between all the things we've just defaulted into Divine Aid, I've spent like 13000gp this session."

-"While being shifted through the planes Bill momentarily senses a vision of a duck, and he's really evil."
"Hey, I know that from somewhere..."

-The party seems to have teleported into Coolland.
"As soon as Heidi arrives, he sends a tweet!"
"What does it say?"
"I'm Back! #"

-After a brief hello with Queen Zoey, the party rushes off (via planar step) back to the Superfly II.
"So we are just leaving the Catboy, and the Anti-Bill Army down there?"
"Yup. We just can't ever go back to the Northern Continent."
"So we're not longer just getting banned from cities or floating islands, or whole countries or kingdoms, but entire continents?"
"And some entire planes too."

-The party gets some rest as they fly toward the Sky-shield.
"Dr. Roboto, watch over me while I sleep."
"Goddamn it. I forgot robots all do this."

-After Catboy is dropped out of his fantasy-pocket-plane, he's teleported back to the material plane by the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee.
"If you want your freedom, you'll have to help us kill Bill."
"He'll just kill me. Plus there's no point. Even if you kill him as long as he has a phylactery he'll come back."
"OK... if you tell us where the Phylactery is, we will free you."
"Zargon has it."
"He is telling the truth."
"Very well, since our psychic has confirmed it, we'll keep our part of the bargain and teleport you wherever you want."
"Fuck Station Aleph."

-The Anti-Bill army teleports Catboy to FSA, but they end up teleporting him into one of the deep lower levels, full of deadly radiation and psychotic robots.
"I run away from the glowing walls!"
"OK, you run into an area where the walls glow a bit less."
"I keep running!"
"OK, now you've run into an area where the walls glow even more!"

-Catboy manages to get somewhere that he can use his commlink and the Cleric teleports him to the Superfly II.

-"Where was the catboy?"
"He was trapped with us in the pocket plane, but then when I used Divine Aid he didn't come with us because he'd slipped into his own pocket plane. So I guess that when that expired he was still in the place where we were?"
"Yeah, that's what happened..."

-"Are we all ready for Death Race 3001??"
"At the start of this race, my child will be born... and by the end of the race, she will have made her first kill!"
"Um... OK..."

-"We are going to get some kind of land-vehicle, and then split our numbers between that and the Superfly II, right?"
"OK. So who is going where?"
"Heidi will go on the Superfly because he is a pacifist!"
"Say what now?"

-"The time has come, and so have we!"

-"I'm going to go check out my old orphanage in the shantytown outside the citadel."
"You never had an orphanage, catboy. You grew up in the streets."
"You dreamed of getting to be in an orphanage!"

-"Heidi, you have to watch out for your first wife!"
"Nah, it'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen?"

-"We could paint our armor."
"I would paint nipples on mine..."
"No, Bill! Don't remind Heidi of what he's lost!"
"Wait... Heidi, you lost your nipples too?"
"Blake? You lost your nipples?"
"How the hell did that happen?"
"It's a long story..."
"tell us!"
"No! No one ask Blake to explain the sick shit he did!!"
"I whisper to him: tell me later.."
"I will!"

-When it's accidentally confirmed that Sandi is having a girl, debate ensues as to its name.
"What will she be called?"
"What about Heidi?"
"That's a boy's name. Heidi is a boy."
"No, it's a girl's name."
"Nah its a boy's name."
"I'm pretty sure its short for Heidibediah!"

-"All of you shut up! The baby will EARN her name when it has her first kill, just as I did."
"Huh? Sandi?"
"My first kill was on a beach."

-The party find a vehicle they like, a war-tank being used by a band of sky-vikings.
"We will challenge you."
"I am the chief of this war party, and I will fight your champion."
"Our champion is that pregnant woman."

-Sandi kicks the shit out of the viking chief, and the party gains the battle tank, and its pilot.
"What's your name, pilot?"
"My name is Unter Untersson."

-Meanwhile, Bill tries to claim the high-tech vehicle of a group of "mentoids" from "The Communality"
"They look human but with no body hair and transparent skull-crowns showing their huge brains."
"You are welcome to become part of the Communality. We welcome anyone to join us of their own free will, for now."
"I'm going to take this vehicle from you."
"No. As you wish us violence, we will make you part of the communality... make a saving throw."
"I fail."
"They turn you into someone who looks just like them and now you're just part of their hive-mind."

-"The Communality will win this race with our great psychic force. Observe! We can move tiny objects with the force of our thoughts!  They move a small rock in the air."

-The party sleep-runes the communality.
"Whew. I'm glad that actually worked!"
"But which one is bill's body? They all look the same!"

-"How the fuck do we fix him?"
"It's moments like this you need the Lord!"

-Bill is restored to his own separate consciousness, but now he has the body of a mentoid.
"You have a transparent brain dome now!"
"Also, your body is completely neuter. You're like a freaky ken doll."

-"All Bill's stuff was in the communality vehicle, which we completely forgot to search while bringing Bill back."
"We head over there."
"By the time you get there, everything has been totally stripped. It's all gone."
"Even the Sun-Staff?"

And on that terrible disappointment, we leave the party for now.
Will Bill get his stuff back before the Death Race 3001 begins? Will the now ridiculously-large party win the race? Will Sandi's baby be born and make its first kill? Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Country Doctor

Wednesday, 22 January 2020

RPGPundit Presents #99: 100 More Weird Gonzo-Fantasy Features!

RPGPundit Presents 99 is out! In this issue, I present you with 100 more Weird Gonzo-Fantasy Features. Random creatures, places, objects and encounters to weird-up your fantasy world!

Check out all sorts of weird random material to springboard ideas, or just weird incidental events for your PCs to run into. Stuff like:

-Deadly Blood-Toddlers!

-The Alcoholic Valley!

-The Mirror-Doppelganger!

-The legendary spellbook of the inept wizard Farbato the Bumbler!

-The deadly Funhouse Dome of the Insane Clown Cult!

-The berserker-invasion of the dreaded Pottery-Raiders!

-The great network of the Underground River-Canals!

-The peril threatening the peace-loving Rhino-men!

-"Mr.Grabby" the perverted Golem!

-The Tungsten Slave-Mines of the Evil Robots!

And much more!

So be sure to pick up 100 More Werid Gonzo-Fantasy Features from DTRPG for just $2.99!

And while you're at it be sure to check out all our previous issues, where you'll find tons of OSR medieval-authentic and Gonzo/Weird-Fantasy goodness!

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #54: Medieval College Adventures (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #58: Expanded Prior History Tables  (compatible with Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #65: The Defilers (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #68: The Cult of the Saints (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 

RPGPundit Presents #69: The Path of Trees (compatible with Lion & Dragon)

RPGPundit Presents #72: The Cymri Davey (compatible with Lion & Dragon) 


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Walnut

PS: stay tuned in a few weeks for a very special 100th Issue of RPGPundit Presents!