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Tuesday 11 December 2018

DCC Campaign Update: The Catboy is Going Commando

In our last adventure, the PCs had returned from the Realm of Fire to the material plane, arriving in the middle of some swamp, they knew not where. They were approached by a tribe of primitive country-bumpkin fishmen, who had begged them for help to destroy a pair of Giant Gators who were terrorizing their people. The PCs said no, until the fishmen offered them a bag of gems in exchange. Then they immediately agreed.


-"Oh, right, the Sky-Sailor was the guy Lenny originally wanted to eat on the Superfly II!"
"That was before the player decided the sky-sailor was a sky-mexican."
"Yes, it was before you had surrendered the real possibilities of profound character growth in exchange for a silly accent."

-"Maybe G.O.D. can make him lose the accent?"
"I think that's beyond his powers."
"Maybe Sami could get him to give the Sky-Mexican a different accent?"
"Just to fuck with the player. Like, if he likes accents so much make him have to try playing a character with an Indonesian accent or something.."

-"Changing a dude's name slightly to make fun of him is like, 2nd grade humor."
"Were we supposed to be aiming higher than that?"
"Apparently not."
"Why change what works?"

-"You're great heroes, you could take on the gators!"
"I think he's talking to you..."

-"You can come back to our village. We'll give you food!"
"Wait, what kind of food?"
"Swamp Cabbage, mostly."
"Ugh. Don't you have any fish?"
"What? We're fishmen! We're not cannibals!"
"Oh yeah, neither are any of us!!"

-"Let's take their offer. What's the worst that could happen?"

-"Hey wait, where's Bill?"
"We lost him in the swamp."
"We're free! Yay!"

-"He'll be back, I suppose."

-"Zeke is the heart of the party."
"Yeah, and we need a transplant."

-"Fishmen, who are your gods?"
"The good ones are the frog god and the goddess of the swamp gas..."
"She gives us visions!"
"And the bad one is the Gator god, for obvious reasons."

-"OK, so imagine that your god is actually a greater being called G.O.D."
"So wait, god is god? Hold on, you're going way to fast for me."

-"Jesus Christ, you guys spend 5 minutes away from Bill and you're reduced to this?"
"Oh shit, Bill is our new Roman!"
"The side quest!'

-"I'll cast Food of the Gods... I failed."

-Sami casts Food of the Gods and succeeds.
"Wait, you did divine aid for supper?"
"No, Food of the Gods."
"So you  have that spell?"
"Yeah, but I've never used it until now."
"Wait, so that time we ate sand??"
"You were the only one eating sand."

-"The food created by the spell is spongy, grey and bland."
"See? This is why I never cast it."
"Zeke seems to like it."
"It's the holy food of the Lord, and it's the ideal flavor: bland!"

-"So how many gators are there, fishmen?"
"Just two?"
"But they're really really big!"
"How do you know there's two?"
"Because only one of them has a hat!"

-"These fishmen are so stupid that maybe this side-quest will only end up wasting 4 minutes of our lives."

-"Heidi grabs the Mexican cleric and starts flying in the direction the fishmen said the gators were."
"What? No! Why me?"
"Shut up."
"He's bait!"
"The cleric pees himself a little."

-The rest of the party gets on the hoverbikes.
"So Zeke and Lenny are on one, the Catboy and the halfling on the second?"
"So you're riding with the halfing at your back? Brave."

-"The Minstrel and the Inquisitor are on the third hoverbike together?"
"OK. Neither of them have the slightest idea how to pilot a hoverbike. Roll an agility check to pilot."
"I got a 1."
"You ride for 20' and slam into a tree at high speed. The hoverbike is destroyed."

-"The newbies survived! But the bike is totaled."
"Should we go back for them?"
"I don't know, Lenny, are you peckish?"
"Not really, I'm good for now."

-"The catboy shoots his grapple-gun and swings up to the tree, but with style."
"Oh god."
"I am the night!"
"At most, you're the early evening."

-"Sami, can you lend me money?"
"What is it with you and your obsession with money?"
"I'm a Cleric."
"I'm a Cleric!"
"I'm a newbie."
"You came here to take my job!"

-"The halfling's spotted the giant gator print in the swamp."
"Thank god the halfling is here, with eyes."

-"That halfling is a sassy little bitch! I like him!"
"You can say a lot of things about the halfling, but at least he doesn't have a stupid accent."

-They spot a giant gator, huge, wearing a huge straw hat. He speaks, in a thick hillbilly accent.
"My name's Enus!"
"LOL, he's called Enus.."
"And I live in these here parts, with my brother, Anus."

-"I think we've somehow entered into a Disney movie from the 1940s."
"Yeah, all that's missing is the racist crows."

-It turns out that Enus, and his brother Anus, claim that they have been abused by the Fishmen.
"They ain't real swamp folk! They're a bunch of hipsters that moved in, took their land, and took our bag of gems!"
"Yeah, and they took my hat!"
"Yeah, they took Anus' hat!"
"So that's why only one of you has a hat."

-The PCs are inclined to believe the giant gator brothers.
"So could we maybe mix things up a bit and not do genocide?"
"Hey, genocide! That's a good idea, Catboy!"

-"So gators, if we got rid of the fishmen, could we keep the bag of gems?"
"Well, OK, but only if you get us back Anus' hat!"

-"OK, let's vote: who wants to kill all the fishmen?"
"It's 4-3."
"But does the halfling count? He's a newb."
"While they're talking, Heidi is already flying away back toward the Fishman village."

-Heidi gets to the village.
"Hey, did you kill the gators already?"
"Well, I have news. Everyone come really close around me, all around me, that's it.."
"What's the news?"
"Heidi uses the energy blast from his sword."
"Oh! OK... you killed most of them, there's like 4 of them still alive."
"Then I use it a second time."
"OK, now the entire tribe is dead."

-The rest of the PCs arrive.
"Way to hog the XP points, Heidi!"

-"OK Lenny, do your thing!"
"Sure... where's the minstrel? He looks delicious."
"No, I mean the fishmen!"
"EWW.. you guys would eat those??!"

-Searching the huts, the PCs find a bunch of thrift-store clothes, vinyl records, and mustache wax.
"Shit, the gators were telling the truth. The Fishmen WERE hipsters! They lied to us!"
"Yeah, if only we could interrogate one of them.. oh but Heidi killed them all!"
"Heidi had to be Heidi."

-"I think Heidi's gotten worse since Bill came back."

-"the gems in this bag of gems are all just glass!"
"We committed genocide for glass?"
"No, Heidi did."
"I'm fine with that."

-"Do we find the minstrel and the inquisitor?"
"No, you have no idea where they are."
"Do we find the minstrel's accordion?"
"Whoops, I just accidentally stepped on it several times until it's ruined!"

-"Why do you hate me, Sami?"
"I don't hate you Catboy, I just like Lenny more."
"Oh. OK, I can understand that. I like him more too... I mean more than you, not more than myself!"
"Too late, you already said it!"

-"I fail using divination to try to find these guys, and now my disapproval is a 2."
"I see you like to live dangerously!"

-"I like how we instantly found the fishmen's craft beer, but have completely failed at our half-assed attempts to find the minstrel and the inquisitor."

-"Wait... you guys, you know how we keep hearing faint cries for help that sound like their voices?  What if..they're in the Neutral Zone? You know, like Bill?"
"None of them are in the Neutral Zone!"

-"I think I can vaguely hear their voices nearby..."
"We're right under you, you idiots!"

-The party pulls out the fake terrain they were standing on, and find the two missing newbs, and they were actually buried alive in more hipster junk, all of which had been piled in the overturned Giant Gator hat.
"Thank god!"
"yeah, you rescued us!"
"What? No, I mean we found the gator's hat!"
"The gators were furious at our not finding it. Some of our party could have been in danger!"

-The hat's contents included some jewelry.
"I guess you're adding it to your collection, blingbae?"
"No I don't wear any of that stuff anymore, I put it all in the Briefcase of Holding."
"Now he's The Artist Formerly Known as Blingbae!"

-"You dumbasses destroyed my hoverbike!"
"Why did you let us drive it?"
"I didn't!"
"Who's the leader here?"
"Yeah, Sami."
"Definitely Sami."
"I knew insisting I was the leader was going to bite me in the ass. Damn you, +1 Intelligence bonus!"

-The gators finally catch up to the party, attacking on account of having gotten a bag of fake gems.
"Wait! This was all just a misunderstanding!"
"My ass!"
"No, hold on now, let's hear him out Anus!"

-The gators seem satisfied when the party returns the hat.
"So what's yer name?"
"Haw haw haw! Did ya hear that? His name is funny-sounding, Anus!"

-"Those gators could have been tough."
"Yeah, but we have a Heidi."
"He's like our version of the Hulk."
"Puny daemons! Heidi smash!"

-The PCs now have to figure out how to get out of this swamp and back to civilization.
"Do you gators know any way out of here?"
"Well, if you go north, east, or west you get to the beach and then the big water. South you get to some dense mountains."
"Are there any towns nearby?"
"Not really."
"What about outsiders? Do they ever come this way?"
"Sometimes to the beaches, some pirates get here."
"Yeah, they come from an island called Port Pirate."
"Port Pirate?"
"Yup, they's the Port Pirate Pirates!"

-The party gets ready for bed.
"Hey Lenny.."
"Yeah Catboy?"
"...are you going to kill and eat one of the newbies tonight?"
"I... I don't know."
"Well, if you're planning to..."
"Use my dagger OK? I want a potato."

-Lenny brutally murders and eats the inquisitor.
"Hey Heidi, keeping watch?"
"Yeah, Lenny. You have something in your teeth."
"Oh, thanks!"

-"Catboy, you wake up when you feel Lenny very tenderly putting your dagger back by your side, and a hot potato in its foil."
"Aw, I love Lenny! And my potato dagger."

-The next day, the party makes their way to the beach.
"How hot is it?"
"It's pretty hot, like Florida."
"Yeah, but we just came from the plane of fire."

-They travel for several days along the beach, finding nothing. Finally they end up in a cove which shows some signs of ships having disembarked in the past. They decide to wait there to see if a pirate ship arrive. Finally, one night.
"Who's keeping watch?"
"I am."
"Roll perception."
"I fail."
"OK, then you don't notice the steamship until it's right by the beach, and a band of Gorillas jump out and come at you with nets."
"Oh shit, are they pirates?"
"I think they're slavers."
"Damn dirty humans!"

-The party gets into a fight with the Gorillas who want to enslave them.
"Catboy sneaks up on one and backstabs."
"You do damage, but don't kill him."
"A potato came out, that's the important part."

-Most of the party was sleeping and unarmored.
"Heidi takes a hit."
"Sami, armor me!"
"Sami casts divine aid."
"It succeeds.  Heidi goes through a sailor-moon-style sequence where his armor flies onto his body."

-"The mexican cleric backs away, and gets on the hover bike."
"Is he going to do something clever?"
"Yes. He's running away as fast as he can."

-"Sami is going to do something crazy and attack someone, for the first time in ages."
"Natural 20"
"Jesus, she was saving up!"

-Catboy tries to sneak onto the Gorilla's slave ship.
"I get a natural 1."
"Captain Gorilla, First Mate Gorilla and Helmsman Gorilla all see you."

-"Guys.. I need help! I fucked up."
"Heidi thinks about helping Catboy while he moves to help Sami."

-"Heidi thought about helping Catboy, while going to help Sami, and ended up helping absolutely no one."

-The Sky-Mexican Cleric continues to fly away quickly on the hoverbike.
"Adios, cabrones!"

-"The minstrel feels disrespected that the gorilla didn't even bother to hit him but that's OK."

-Lenny emerges from the water and stabs a gorilla in the throat.
"Oh shit, Sami's guy she criticaled is deaf, Lenny's guy is mute now, we just need a blind guy!"

-"This session lays to rest the theory that we're only evil because of Bill."
"Yeah, we've gone full Walter White."

-"We're casual evil."
"That's our alignment."

-"Catboy is a Neutral Freak."
"What makes me a freak?"

-"The Sky-Mexican is Lawful."
"Yeah, Lawful Coward."
"No, his player is Coward alignment. All his characters are just reflections of that."

-"These gorillas are going apeshit!"

-Heidi had his sword knocked out of his hand by a lucky gorilla shot, it falls into the water. Catboy dove into the water.
"You find the sword."
"OK, I don't touch it. I grab it with my underwear."
"Did he just pull his underwear out of his body?"
"I assume so, yes."
"The Catboy is going commando!"

-"Heidi wears a jetpack, that's sort of like underwear."
"No it isn't!"

-"I always imagined the catboy wears a t-shirt and no pants."
"Like a cartoon character?"
"Yes, but anatomically correct."

-"Heidi throws a flash grenade."
"You only did that so we'd have a blind gorilla!'

-"Sky-Mexican Cleric, what do you do?"
"I hold my action."
"Right, because you've been Action Jackson in this fight so far..."

-"I'm 300' away so I have a buffer."
"300' isn't a buffer, it's desertion!"

-"I'm trying to heal Lenny, but I got a natural 1"
"What did you do for G.O.D. to not want to heal you, Lenny?"
"I don't know! What could I have done??"

-"Heidi punches a gorilla so hard in the head he's left blind, deaf, and reduced to a gurgling mess, and falls off the ship."
"He's still alive."
"Do not piss Heidi off."

-"So we were waiting for pirates, found slavers, took their ship, and now we are the pirates!"

-Lenny teleports everyone onto the ship and Sami teleports all the gorillas onto the shore, except Captain Gorilla.
"So, Captain Gorilla, is this day going the way you expected it to?"

-Captain Gorilla has locked himself in the bridge, and has it rigged to blow.
"I'll scuttle this goddamn ship before I hand it over to you damn dirty humans!"
"What's scuttle?"
"What's sink?"
"I'll blow up the damn ship!"
"ohhh. Damn."

-"Sami prays for the door to open."
"Heidi readies."
"Catboy eats his potato."

-The door opens! Captain Gorilla activated the self-destruct, but Catboy manages to disarm it with the sonic tool, before it goes off.

-"Heidi faces Captain Gorilla and says 'look at me, I am the captain now'."
"Captain Gorilla blows his brains out with his own gun."

-"OH SHIT! My sword! Heidi dives in the water to find it!"
"Should we tell him that Catboy found it and hid it in the Briefcase of Holding?"
"Definitely no."

-"Captain Gorilla is dead, how will we pilot this thing?"
"The Sky-Mexican cleric can pilot it, because he used to be a sky-sailor."
"He was a sky-sailor, then a cleric, now he's a seaman."
"Hehe, semen."

-"Heidi, stop looking. The sword is lost."
"It's in sword heaven."
"It's gone to a farm, where it gets to run around with other swords!"

-The PCs find a map on the ship, showing an area of coastline near the humanoid badlands, with a spot marked with an X.

-"The current name of the ship is the SS We Love Slavery, so you'll probably want to change that."

-"We should name it the SS Sidequest!"
"I want to call it the HMS I Want My Sword Back."

That's it for this session. Where's Bill? Will the PCs find treasure? Will Heidi get his sword back? Stay tuned next time to find out!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Country Doctor

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