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Saturday 1 December 2018

DCC Campaign Update: Two-and-a-Half Elves

In our last session, the PCs had gone off to try to get to the Realm of Blood and Fire, to kill the Daemon Lord of Blood and Fire. However, the whole thing was a big confusion, since Bill the Elf had actually been ordered to go to the Realm of Fire and save the Fire Queen from the Lord of Blood & Fire's assassins. They thus gave up their quest and were now trying to figure out a way to get to the Fire Realm; all so that Bill could please Jal'udin (who now controls his phylactery), and possibly get his Briefcase of Holding back.


-"I wouldn't say Bill is a servant of the Dark Ones."
"No, he's just an idiot. But because of the Shoggoth illusion he made last session, everyone in Mra now THINKS he's a servant of the Dark Ones."

-"We have three elves in this party now!"
"Well, two and a half elves."
"That's going to be the title of this session."
"It's like Two And A Half Men, except we're all the fat kid."

-"Are you getting a patron, Posh Elf?"
"No. Not while Heidi is still controlled by that sword."
"That shouldn't matter. Unless you're stupid enough to tell him."
"I think that's exactly what he's worried about."

-The Posh Elf is getting to know his skeletal-rat familiar.
"Hey boss!"
"Yes, bones?"
"You know how if I die, you die?"
"What? Um.. I guess?"
"So does that work the other way round too? If you die do I die?"
"Aw, shit!"
"Posh Elf has the best familiar ever!"

-The Posh Elf gets out of his room to find out he was the only one left behind when the whole party left him behind.
"Um.. are there any challengers yet, Wormtoung?"
"Not yet, your magnificence."
"Well, if any come along... just tell them I'm constipated."

-"Are there any Clerics in Mra?"
"There were, your spellcraftyness, but you see Heidi was very paranoid and he wrote a lengthy potential-enemies list, and the three known clerics in Mra were executed on his orders."
"By the way, oh pointy-eared majesty, you do have an awful lot of enemies. Perhaps I should help by making you a list of them?"
"Yes, do that, Wormtoung!"
"Excellent idea, oh wise and wizardly majesty!"
"And constipated. Don't forget constipated!"
"Yes, your intestinally-challenged excellency!"

-"Wait man, that wasn't Heidi that Wormtoung tricked into doing the enemies list, it was Bill!"
"I think Wormtoung lied because he's more afraid of Bill."

-"We have so many elves now."
"It's an elfapalooza."

-The Posh Elf tries to flee the citadel of the overlord, but Wormtoung spots him.
"Where are you going, oh stealthy one?"
"I'm.. just... going for a walk."
"Oh, but you can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because... because this guard is going to challenge you!"
"I am?"
"Hmm. OK. Yes, sure!"
"So you see, oh wondrous master, when a challenge has been made you cannot leave the citadel until the duel is resolved."
"Damn it."

-"My great lord, you should not be too worried about this challenge."
"I shouldn't?"
"Oh no your sumptuous majesty."
"Because I'll easily defeated?"
"Well, no, because Heidi said he'd avenge your death."

-"After the feast, you and the challenger will rest in your rooms. The duel will take place in the morning. Is there anything you might want my majestic wizardly magnificence?"
"I want four slave women tonight."
"Of course, mighty overlord! Except... it's just that, Heidi in his brief rule liberated all the slave women. Do you want us to re-enslave them?"
"You have just made yourself the great favorite of all the people of Mra, your majesty. Well, not the women, obviously."

-The four slave women come into the Posh Elf's room.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to have sex with you."
"You're not? You just want to see us play with each other?"
"So... you're not into us at all."
"No, I mean, I'm only into elves."
"So we're not good enough for you? You enslaved us again, and you didn't even want us for yourself?"
"No, I called you here because I need your help."
"What?! You enslaved us again and you want our help??"
"I promise I'll liberate you again later."

-"You're a horrible person, and you deserve everything that's going to happen to you."
"Yeah, imagine how pissed off Sami is going to be with you!"

-"I want you to help me escape."
"You enslaved us, you bastard!"
"Look, what do you want from me?"
"Get him!"

-The posh elf tries to cast Flaming Hands on the slave women, but fails his check, and they start to viciously beat him.
"The guards rush in and subdue the slave women."
"I'm sorry, but I tried to free you!"
"No you didn't, you asshole, you enslaved us!"

-"So that was 5 minutes of our lives wasted by the posh elf."
"To be fair, Bill the Elf wasted our entire last session."

-"What the hell were you even trying to do?"
"I thought they could help me escape."
"Don't you have feather fall? Why don't you just jump out the window?"
"You dolt."

-The posh elf floats down to the ground, but now he has to get past the citadel's outer wall.
"Is it made of something strong?"
"Tough stone?"
"No dude, papier mache. Of course it's strong!"
"If there's one thing libertarian misogynists know how to build, it's a wall!"

-"Fuck it, I bribe the guards!"
"How much?"
"Holy shit! Yeah, well, they open the gates!"
"Can one of you guards come with me?"
"I'll give the one who comes with me 25pp."
"I'll do it. I'd sell my own mother for 25pp!"
"So you'll have my back, right?"
"Sure. I just said I'd sell my own mom for money, but I'll be totally loyal to you."

-"Hey, maybe we should pick up Ted?"
"The posh elf?"
"I thought that guy there was Ted?"
"No, that's the other elf."
"Yoga Elf is doing yoga and doesn't care."
"Yeah, he's Ted, right?"
"OK, cool then, never mind."

-"No wait! There was another elf! Remember? The one who really cared about his skyship we wouldn't let him get?"
"Oh yeah!"

-The Posh Elf gets spotted on the streets of Mra.
"It's him!"
"oh no!"
"Hail to you, Overlord! Our great hero!"
"Did you think they'd hate you? You re-enslaved all the women of the city."
"It's him! Long Live the Overlord!"
"Would you like one of my daughters, Overlord?"
"You're the greatest ruler we've ever had!"
"Sir, is it true you have a challenge tomorrow? Please, my father was an adventurer, let me give you  his magic sword. I have no use for it, but may it lead you to victory great one!"
"Oh thanks!"
"I'll just get it."
"Sure and thanks ag--*zap*"
"What the hell?"
"Hey, Posh Elf, we decided to bring you back here with us!"
"God damn it!!"

-Catboy and Zeke realize that Bill was lying when he'd claimed he'd had a 'divine vision' to kill the Lord of Blood and Fire, and was actually just (mistakenly) following Jal'udin's orders.
"I'll have a talk with him."
"Yeah, Zeke, that will work."

-"So, Yoga Elf, I should tell you, now that you're a full member of our team.. I'm a cannibal."
"But don't worry, I don't eat my friends."
"Yeah, Lenny is an adorable cannibal."
"Because he doesn't eat us."
"So anyways, you're safe now that you're level 1."
"Congratulations! You're no longer livestock!"

-"Heidi is a great warrior, but also a master of denial."

-"I really need a coffee."
"We have no coffee."
"In the Shithole we had coffee. We made it out of sand."
"You've had a rough life, Heidi."

-The party decides to teleport to the Plane of Fire to carry on with Jal'udin's mission. After many, many attempts they finally teleport there.
"You're on the Plane of Fire. There's a Fire River, Fire trees, a Fire Road, then some Fire Farms with Fire Elemental farmers."
"We know they're farmers because they're working the fields?"
"Yes, also they have farmer hats."

-As the PCs approach, the Fire Elemental farmers are frightened.
"What are they?!"
"They must be servants of the Ice Lord!"
"They're Cold Walkers!"
"Hey, that's not fair. We're room-temperature walkers!"

-"Everyone try to look as non-threatening as possible. Catboy, you're already good."

-A patrol of Fire-guardsmen arrive on Fire-steeds. They don't look like stereotypical elementals, instead they look like regular people, just made of fire.
"Are you Fire Fighters?"
"Yes, we are the Queen's elite guards, called the Fire Fighters."

-"What was that about the Ice Lord?"
"A legend of the end of the world. But it's peasant nonsense."
"What makes it nonsense? You're made of fire? Why couldn't someone be made of ice?"
"Please? Ice? How could there be a substance so cold as that?? It's impossible!"

-"So the commoners look like fire elementals, but the upper classes look more human-like?"
"Sounds like classism."
"OK, guys, we're NOT here to start a revolution!"
"We never do that!"
"Are you kidding? We ALWAYS do that!"

-They arrive at the court of the Fire Queen.
"No one seduce the Fire Queen!"
"The fire queen is portly, well past middle age, and slathered in make up."
"I don't think that'll be a problem."

-Sami starts to talk to the Queen.
"Wait.. are you a cleric? We have outlawed all clerics from our realm since the cleric Grenoble dared to lecture us on our policies!"
"Damn it, Grenoble had to be that sort of Cleric..."

-"Bill, do you think you could.."
"Wait! Bill the Elf?!"
"You just had to say my name, didn't you Catboy?"

-"You have overthrown two queens. We shall not give you a chance to overthrow us!"
"What? I did not!"
"The queen of the Grey Realms, and the Empress of the Jade Realm."
"Oh, yeah. True, I did that."

-"Off with their heads!"
"Well, I guess we're fighting now."
"This will not go well."

-"Does my sword make me want to kill the queen?"
"No, she's not a daemon, nor as far as you or it knows a servant of one."
"OK, I'll just have to motivate myself, then!"

-"Maybe we can still talk it out?"
"From the initiative, the first one to go, god help us, is Heidi."
"Oh shit."
"I charge the Queen."

-"Let's hope the Assassins don't mind!"
"They said you had to SAVE the Queen!"

-"Heidi hits, does a lot of damage!"
"My second attack is a critical."
"Oh shit!"

-"The Queen is unconscious!"
"The Ice Lord is real!"
"Ice to meet you!"

-"The queen's wizard casts a spell, and Heidi and Bill turn to stone. Well, not to stone, but to fire-stone."
"It's their variant of Turn to Stone."
"Turn to Fire."

-After the Posh Elf, Yoga Elf, Lenny and Zeke all fall, Sami flies away as fast as she can.
"The Catboy jumps onto a curtain."
"They pull the curtain down."
"Catboy surrenders."

-Sami prays for the rest of the party to be teleported to safety, but only Zeke and the Posh Elf were teleported away, and to an unknown location.

-The Queen is revived.
"Why did those others disappear?"
"We think the cleric might have done it, Majesty."
"We must pursue her. Can you use your magic to summon a giant bird, Flamo?"
"The Queen's wizard is named Flamo?"

-"The way I see it, we did what we came here to do. Now the guard must be on high alert. I call that mission accomplished!"

-Sami sees the giant fire-eagle following her, and accelerates to escape.
"Catboy, I'm going out of range. Try to survive and whatever you do don't -zzzzhhkkk-"
"Don't what?? Don't what??"

-Sami managed to de-petrify Bill through prayer before flying away. Now they both try to convince the Queen not to behead them.
"We no longer serve Sezrekhan!"
"Why would you betray your master?"
"He was an asshole!"
"That fact is well known, your Majesty."
"And I only did things because he made me."
"That's more unlikely, your Majesty."
"And I'm an idiot."
"That is likely, your Majesty."

-"We think Jal'udin is trying to save you from the Lord of Blood and Fire because he hate Daemons, your majesty."
"We also hate daemons."
"If Heidi wasn't already petrified he'd be getting hard right now."

-"The Yoga Elf and Posh Elf are both dead."
"For one shining moment, half the party were elves."
"There can be only one!"
"More like only half!"

-"Is Zeke Bodean still alive?"
"I'll tell you later."
"Goddamit. That means he's alive."

-"What shall we do with them?"
"Put them all in the prisons, make sure Bill is kept bound and gagged."
"Yes, Queen Tyranna!"
"Wait, her name is Tyranna?? Is everyone's name dumb here?"

-Sami teleports Heidi and Bill away.
"Noo! We had just gained the Queen's trust!"
"Yeah, they were going to hold us in the dungeon."
"That doesn't sound like 'gaining her trust'."

-Sami de-petrifies Heidi.
"Thanks, Sami. It was really hard holding my arms in that position for so long."

-"Catboy didn't even fight, that pussy!"
"I fought with words!"

-"G.O.D., give Bill his shit back."
"Including my backpack!"
"Including his backpack... natural 20!"
"You get everything back, Bill."
"Well, Bill, you know what they say: 'keep Sami alive'!"

-"I have a bit of money for you Sami."
"You can have mine too, I don't know what to do with my cash anymore."
"We noticed, Blingbae!"

-Meanwhile, catboy and Lenny are still in prison.
"Sir, we found more creatures from the material plane."
"They must be part of their group."
"Hey, I'll tell you if they are in my group! I'm cooperating."
"There's a halfling."
"I don't know him."
"A minstrel with an accordion."
"I really don't know him!"
"And a hairy mutant witch-hunter."
"He looks like Chewbacca dressed up as a puritan."
"Don't know him either."

-Turns out the three newbies were recruited by a dwarven wizard named Ferg son of Flerg, who had heard of an artifact somewhere in this plane that could travel through time. His plan was to use it to go back in time and save the Dwarven Machineholds from conquest by the Dark Ones. They're also accompanied by the Sky-Sailor that had been marooned by the PCs when they were still flying around on the Superfly II. He's become a Cleric in the interim.
"Hey, I kind of know you!"

-"My character was from a floating island called Sky-Mexico. They built a wall so we couldn't sneak into Fuck Station Aleph."

-Sami teleports everyone to the cave. Including the newbies, the Sky-Mexican Cleric, and Zeke.
"Damn it."
"Zeke, you're alive!"
"Yes, I was miraculously nursed back to health by a group of kindly dwarves! The Lord favored me with luck."
"Damn you, G.O.D.!"

-"Come, chico gato!"

-Sami uses more divine aid to contact Jal'udin. They have a talk.
"For starters, Jal'udin, from now on I'm in charge here. And we will work for you, but not for free. You'll have to negotiate with us for anything you want."
"You know I could destroy Bill's phylactery."
"You could, but then none of us will help you."
"I will consider your offer, as seriously as one could."

-"So we work for Jal'udin now?"
"No. We work for who pays us."
"We're mercenaries?"
"You were accused of a crime you didn't commit. Now you're soldiers of fortune!"

-"Sami, Heidi, Bill and Lenny are the A-Team!"
"Catboy and the rest are the B-Team."

-"The dwarves were looking for some kind of fire artifact."
"An artifact that's on this plane anyways, it's some kind of 'time cabinet', they hope to change the past with it."
"Surely, nothing bad can come of that."

-"I say we forget about it. This is Bolt-0's problem, not ours."

-The party travels to the Grey Realms, to find a gate back to the material plane.
"There was a gate around here somewhere."
"Those grey realm people dressed up in 1950s clothing and having a picnic are freaking out."
"They're pointing to that cactus."
"I guess that's the gate."

-The cactus requires a song in order to open its gate.
"Oh, wait, I have a song on my comm!"
"It's Sweet Caroline."
"The cactus seems to like it!"

-The cactus opens his gate, and the PCs step through, spewing out of another gate, this one in the form of a giant toad, in the middle of a swamp somewhere on the material plane.
"A toad?!"
"Oh shit I kill it!!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot Bill has a psychological fear of frogs."
"Bill casts magic missile."
"Natural 20."
"There's a little magical mushroom cloud where the toad used to be."

-Suddenly, Fishmen appear!
"Are you adventurers?"
"We need help!"
"Sorry, we're on a quest."
"We'll give you gems!"
"What do we need to kill?"
So that's it for today. In the next session, the PCs will apparently be lowering themselves to going to kill a pair of giant alligators for a bag of gems.  Don't miss it!


Currently Smoking:  Lorenzetti Solitario + Gawith's St.James' Flake

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