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Sunday, 16 June 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Check Bill's Ass With My X-Ray Vision

In our last session, the PCs had made their way into the Deep Neutral Zone, in search of the Door of 16 Gates (for more info about this location, check out RPGPundit Presents #25: The Door of 16 Gates), where they hoped to find Queen Priscilla and the missing Grey-Realms Power Ring.


-Flying around, Heidi finds the cave entering the Door of 16 Gates.
"I don't remember how many shots it was to give the signal..."
"You don't?"
"Nope, so I'm just going to fire 1d4 shots. It's a 4 so I shoot four times."

-"What's that? It's more shots than we'd agreed to?"
"Heidi must be in danger!"

-"Damn it Heidi, don't you know how to count?"
"Yeah, I just found it four times!"
"He really found it!"

-"You know, somehow, The Man has been tracking us..."
"Could it be this communicator I use to speak with Jal'udin?"
"From the last time we were here, I had marked this particular room as 'really bad', so I'm going to open it and throw the communicator in there."

-"What if it wasn't the communicator, though? Maybe it was a probe?"
"I check Bill's ass with my x-ray vision."
"You have x-ray vision? How?"
"From my Ring of X-Ray Vision."
"Oh. Checks out!"

-"This is a really fucked up world we live in, where probing is at the forefront of medical technology."
"Even to track you!"
"This is really appropriate given that we're in front of a door with a Black Mirror."

-"Is there a probe in my ass??"
"No, but you should eat more fiber."

-"There is something in the Sky-Mexican's ass."
"A probe?"
"No, its too small. It seems more like a microchip."
"He needs surgery. Heidi draws his sword!"
"No!! It's OK, Heidi, we can destroy it."
"OK, go ahead Catboy. And hopefully you'll destroy the chip at the same time."

-"What do I think it is?"
"Well, it might be some kind of ID tag."
"Is it dangerous?"
"It doesn't have any active components, so I'd guess no."
"Can you destroy it with your sonic tool?"
"Well, I could, but not in any way I'd want to."

-"How deep is it?"
"Not very, but deep enough."

-"Check my ass next."
"OK, Heidi."
"Damn it, guys. You're going to make me write like a page of the Campaign Report just about Catboy checking all your asses!"
"You might not like how it looks, but this is the campaign at peak performance!"

-"Sami leaves us and one session later we're checking out each other's asses."

-"I miss the innocent days of the campaign where we were firing dolphins out of cannons."

-Catboy scans the wizard and then backs up quickly.
"Guys, I think the Catboy found something in the wizard's ass."
"And it's not just colorectal cancer!"

-"He might have a dirty bomb!"
"In his ass?"

-"When will we get to the epic part? Minocles grows tired of the ass part!"

-After Catboy carefully defuses the probe in the wizard's ass, the party proceeds to open the Door of 16 Gates to the last location where Sami had once thrown Priscilla into.
"As soon as you open the door, a group of vikings swarm you guys!"
"For the Dark Queen!"
"Oh shit, do you think they mean Priscilla?"

-"Can we see past the door?"
"Yes, you see stunning mountains, verdant valleys, a golden castle in the distance, and Priscilla's head carved into a mountain-side."

-"The Sky-mexican takes 10 points of damage!"
"These ancient sky-nazis are trying to kill a modern sky-nazi!"

-The party wipes out all but one of the vikings, with Heidi taking control of the last one with his ring of human control. They head toward the golden castle.
"You see the castle is full of very attractive and powerful-looking people."
"Who are they?"
"They are the lords and ladies of the royal family, the Guardians of the High Realms."
"So, asgardians?"
"We could have used some ass-guardians earlier in this session."

-"Catboy, are you dead yet?"
"Let me know when you're dead."
"Minocles also wants to know when you are dead so he can avenge you!"
"Heidi and Minocles have a lot of similarities."
"Heidi may have found his soulmate!"

-At the great hall, the king of the High Realms is on his throne, and next to him, as his queen, is Priscilla, dressed up as an opera-Valkyrie.
"Oh no not these assholes again!"
"Are these the ones who brought you here, my queen?"
"Hey, that was Sami not us, and we kicked her off the team!"
"Yeah, because she was a complete ho!"
"Yeah, she was a ho! And you know she told me she had gonorrhea!"
"And Chlamydia! I know because she was sweating all the time."

-"I finally have something I needed for a long time: respect! And also, this boob armor!"

-"Wait, are you guys saying you're on an epic quest?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"To collect these rings?"
"So you could say it is a... ring saga?"
"Then we must join them, my queen!"

-"I'm thinking these people were just put here by some Ancient to rehearse a Wagnerian Opera and this is what 1000 years of that does to you."

-"We've already established that the Ancients were really fucked up."

-"What is your name, your majesty?"
"...And you're also a Jarl?"
"So... Jarl the Jarl?"
Yes, or Jarl Jarl."

-"Send your lamest party member to tell the vikings guarding the Door not to close it."

-"So who is the greatest fighter among you?"
"The Jarl's son, Donar."
"I will spar with Donar, but if I defeat him I will want him to join us on our quest."
"That will not likely be possible because our father will want him at his side in the wars to come."
"But if I defeat him?"
"Then our father will probably want you at his side in the wars to come!"

-"I was sent here to tell you keep the Door open... or was it to close it?"
"Well, which was it?"
"Um.. close it!"

-"Oh, Zeke, Bill is 'Bill Salamander' now. Priscilla can't know he's Bill the Elf."
"My friend, I've been down that road before. It never works!"

-"What are you doing here!?"
"I brought Zeke back."
"And the door?"
"I closed it. Like you said!"
"I said to leave it open!"
"What if Bill fucks up his Planar Step? We could be stuck here forever!"
"Well, what if something came through the door??"
"That was a risk I was willing for Zeke to take!"

-"Aw, don't worry Roman, Bill won't fail!"
"Yeah, when have I ever failed?"
"All the time!"

-"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Do you always have to say that?"

-"I was only following orders!"
"he really is a Sky-Nazi!"

-"Guys, it turns out that making a planar gate is too hard!"
"OK, so what do we do now?"
"We just rest up here for a week and then Planar Step ourselves away."
"Yeah, I mean now we know Priscilla doesn't have the ring."
"Good point."
"So, you magnificent bastards are just going to defraud and betray the High Realms people?"

-"I'm going to try to seduce that valkyrie girl."
"Ok, what do you say to her?"
"...I hate Priscilla too..."
"I don't know what you mean?"
"It's obvious you hate her.."
"Let's talk in the courtyard..."
"What have you to say, creature?"
"My name's Catboy."
"I am Brunhilde."

-"Guy, we could take Priscilla somewhere to save these people from her."
"Into one of the other gates of the door?"
"Yes, but not where we put the pendant because The Man might go there."
"Could you imagine if The Man and Priscilla teamed up?"

-Bill finally levels up and he gets Emirkol's Entropic Maelstrom, Polymorph and Magic Bulwark.
"I'm super powerful now!"
"I think Magic Bulwark is kind of crappy for such a high level spell."

-"The Mutant Wizard casts Find Familiar, and ends up getting a rat named Brigitte, who now wants him to be her 'man' and is 'sexy'."
"Is that really on the Familiars table?"

-The party works out a plan to get themselves and Priscilla out of here and leave the Vikings behind.
"Can't we take Brunhilde too?"
"Forget about the girl, Catboy."
"But she makes my peepee hard!"
"I propose a side quest: we neuter the catboy."

-"Your majesty we are working on the extraplanar gate, but we need an extraplanar creature to help us open it, it's the only way!"
"Oh shit, we're fucked then! Goddamn it!!"
"But.. Queen Priscilla... you're an extraplanar creature!"
"Oh. I get it! But wait, is this some kind of sex ritual?"
"No, nothing like that."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, Priscilla, we're absolutely sure."
"Totally sure it can't be some kind of magical sex orgy?"

-"From now on, the wizard is going to be known as the Ratfucker Wizard."
"Obviously, yes."

-"So you are ready now for the ritual?"
"Yes... oh wait.. we forgot we need a material sacrifice to make the Gate ritual happen!"
"What kind of material sacrifice?"
"We'll need you to bring us piles of coins and gems."
"Very well!"
"I can't believe this is working!"

-"This treasure you brought us might not be enough, Jarl."
"No, Heidi, it's just fine!"
"No no! If there is any risk at all that it might not be enough, please let us give you more of our treasure!"
"I'm almost feeling bad for these people."

-"You know, after all this, if you gave us your crown that would definitely be enough."
"Well, it's the most valuable sign of my people and mark of my rule, but very well!"

-The party Planar Steps out of the viking-land, along with Priscilla, ending up back on the other side of the Door of 16 gates.
"What the fuck just happened??"
"Quick, push Priscilla into some hellhole!"
"No, we might still need her."

-The party all go through the door into the exit leading to Arkhome. Only the level it leads to now appears to be abandoned.
"I guess things have not gone well for people in this city since the last time we were here."

-Suddenly, while the party is debating what to do next, a bunch of zombies approach!

-"Bill fucked off!"
"I'm flying out of the way of the zombies."
"Don't fear, my friends, I'll use my Holy Water Sprinkler of Maldibriah!"
"I like how Zeke makes up all these creative names!"
"I don't make them up, they're from the Holy Scriptures!"
"Sure, Zeke."

-During the fight with the zombies, Priscilla inflates her head and starts floating away.
"Fuck all you guys....!"

-"Heidi is hit with a critical, and suffers a necrotic wound that requires a DC10 fort save each day or he loses 1d4 stamina, plus he can't naturally heal."
"Shit! For how long does that last?"
"Until it's magically cured."
"Oh shit!"
"Well, the sky-cleric is going to need to drink that Jesus Juice we had."

-The party catches up to Priscilla.
"I think your Bill IS Bill the Elf!"
"Well duh."
"Bill you son of a bitch!"
"Hey, you know how it is."

-"Bill puts Priscilla to sleep with the Sleep Rune."
"Can we kill her now?"

-"Should we close the Door of 16 Gates on this end?"
"Yeah, we don't want zombies going through into the deep neutral zone."
"Yeah! I visit the Neutral Zone all the time, every time I cast Magic Missile. It's my happy place!"

-While trying to cast a spell, Bill spellburns and is required to swear an oath to Sezrekhan. He forgets that Heidi is there.
"Does Heidi hear that?"
"Yes, I guess."
"Does that trigger a new save?"
"Natural 20."
"Oh shit, you're no longer Charmed by Bill! Now the Sword wants you to kill."
"So Heidi is no longer a puppet of Bill, just a puppet of his sword."

-Heidi and Bill are about to try to kill each other (which, at their level, would likely come down to whichever of them won initiative), but Catboy makes use of the Sleep Rune he pickpocketed from Bill and stops the fight.
"We have to destroy the sword."
"But Heidi loves the sword!"
"Yes, but as long as he has it he'll try to kill me."
"If you destroy the sword, Heidi will kill you anyways."
"Well then, I have nine Fire Spears that can take care of that."

-Bill decides to cast Charm Person, to re-charm Heidi, but ends up getting a high enough result that he can force the entire party to save versus charm. Most of them fail (except for Roman, the Catboy and Minocles).
"...Did you just try to Charm everyone?"
"Bill would never do such a thing!"
"I don't know if that's the Charm spell talking or just Zeke's inherent idiocy."

-The party finally manages to Planar Step from Arkhome back to their ship, where the hurricane is still going on.
"Well, the ship seems mostly safe. Also, it's nearly entirely buried under sand."

And on that terrible disappointment, we ended the session. Stay tuned next time to see if the party will work better or far far worse now that most of them are Charmed to think Bill is a great guy!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Alpha + Image Latakia


  1. Bill got soft, his time is due.

  2. Back in the day Bill would not have hesitated in killing Hade.