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Friday, 17 November 2017

DCC Campaign Update: Because It's Venger

In our last session, the PCs had just arrived to the shantytown outside the massive spire known by locals (on the surface of the solar skyshield) as The Citadel, where they would now have to participate in a contest known as the Death Race 3000 in order to gain entry. They're doing all this because the Citadel seems to be the place where there's a transmat into the heart of the sun, from where they will be able to use the Sunstaff to reach the Crown of Creation and save G.O.D. from Sezrekhan, who has taken control and is slowly turning everyone in the universe into his zombified slaves.


-"It's a good thing someone is tracking time in this campaign, because I'm sure not."

-"What happend to Sami while I was gone?"
"Oh, yeah, she shat herself into a coma."
"Just like her player!"

-"The shantytown has a thriving economy based on the annual Death Race."
"So a lot like Punta del Este?"
"A more murderous Punta del Este, yes."

-"So wait, this is the 3000th Death Race?"
"Yup. You've come at an auspicious time."

-Sami awakens from her coma.
"Ohhh.. why didn't you just kill me?"
"We need a cleric."
"I'm sure that if you'd let me die, another cleric would have just suddenly appeared."

-"I look for somewhere to clean myself up.."
"Well, you're basically in Space-Calcutta here, so.."

-"I'm going to put on Ekim's Plastic Surgery mask."
"Ok, you now have a 9 Personality."
"Wow, you're a considerably less unappealing ex-hooker."

-The PCs start to wander around the shantytown.
"I'll stick with the group. I don't want to run into a blood vampire around here."
"So that is to say, a normal vampire?"
"Yeah, well, this party encountered a Fire Vampire first, so now to us those are the normal ones."

-The PCs start talking about what kind of vehicle they want to buy for the Death Race.
"Could we get one with like, a guy strapped to the front holding up our war banner?"

-Suddenly, the PCs spot the Vegan Wizard, who had last been seen running off in the labyrinth on Gebo. Somehow, he's ended up in the shantytown, and is apparently wandering around in a daze.
"So, should we help him? Or just leave him here?"
"Well, we do need a wizard."
"I'm a wizard!"
"We've got the Hippomagus, he's a wizard..."
"I'm a wizard!"
"But the Hippomagus might not be enough."
"I'm a wizard!!"
"Yeah, we need a second wizard, let's save him."
"Screw all you guys."

-"How did you even get here, vegan?"
"I have no idea. I don't even know where here is?"
"Have you got anything in your ass?"
"I don't think so.."
"We could check with my staff!"

-A suspicious looking lizard man shuffles up to the PCs.
"Hey, psst.. you want to buy dolphin?"
"...yes. Yes we do."
"Wait, you not city guard, no?"

-While a couple of the PCs go off with the sneaky looking dolphin-seller, the others go to a 'magic supply store', run by a forehead-ridged mutant looking a bit like a klingon.
"Can I pay for this with credits?"
"You wish for store credit? We do not give credit!"
"No, my credits, from my credit stick."
"No credit. Only cash."

-"What kind of money do you use here?"
"Do you also use gold?"
"We can take gold, yes."
"But you don't know about credits?"
"Credit? You want money-lender."
"No... but holy shit you guys we should always go to money-lenders! We should borrow money at every city we go to! I mean, since after all when we're done with it every city we ever go to is either destroyed or we can never go back anyways."

-"So do you sell scrolls here?"
"No, we sell supplies to make scrolls! Like this high-end vellum."
"Ohh, this one is bordered by little flowers. And this one is lavender-scented!"
"Dude, you're not in a magic shop at all, this is just a stationary store."

-"I wonder what the rest of the party is doing?"
"We're buying a dolphin!"

-"There are two dolphins in the warehouse; one is rather emaciated and is hanging from some leather straps. The other is relatively fat and soaking in a small pool of water that seems infused with a variety of herbs."
"I run my finger over the fat one and then lick it... yeah, it's pure!"

-"This one is for eating.. other is for, well, you know."

-"Wait, you are Death Racers?"
"We will be, tomorrow."
"Oh, so then you may want dolphin catapult!"
"Dude, this is getting out of hand."

-"Can we use this Dolphin-launcher for things other than dolphins?"
"Yes, large catapult can also launch dogs, small children, etc."

-"Do you have Dolphin explosives? Like, that we could put on the dolphin so he'd explode on impact?"
"You can stuff him with grenades!"
"The dolphin looks very nervous."

-"Hey, with my Animal Summoning, we could use the dolphin to create MORE dolphins!"
"Ok, so wait... we're actually doing this now, aren't we??"

-"I don't know what happened to you Heidi, maybe it's the rarefied air here, but you've really changed."
"Well, um, we could make sure the dolphin only does non-lethal damage."
"Too late for that now, dude. You've become one of us!"

-"I'm pretty sure that dolphin is sentient, and can understand us. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still on board with this."

-"Man, I'm sure glad we haven't gotten totally side-tracked..."

-Having secured their plans to purchase assault dolphins, the PCs now move on to trying to hijack a vehicle. They settle on a cool-looking post-apocalyptic APV manned by a bunch of pirates.
"We want to buy your vehicle, captain."
"Yarr, this ship is not for sale!"
"It's an APV, not a ship."
"Maybe it's a land ship?"
"Narr, that's where ye're wrong, lad. It be a Sea-ship Of The Land."

-Heidi uses his Ring of Human Control to force the captain to buy the ship for 50gp. Then he tells the captain to lend him 50gp.
"Ok, so you've used 2HD to control the captain, out of 30, right?"
"Oh shit, never mind... as far as you know you have unlimited uses.. it was all a dream!!"

-The captain's crew realize something suspicious is going on. To stop them from all attacking, Vizi challenges the biggest one to a duel and cuts him to pieces with his light sabre.
The rest of the pirates run away.

-"Yarr, I'll lend you the 50gp, but the Death Race be cold at night..."
"We plan to get a dolphin..."
"That'll do."
"Wouldn't you rather have me?"
"Nar, there be no place for women at the sea."

-Heidi decides he'd better get rid of the legless captain, since he has to continually concentrate to keep him controlled. So he flies him out about an hour away in the middle of the wasteland, and dumps him there to die.

-Blitzkrieg and Space-Bear show up, and they got themselves a hovertank!

-"How did you get that??"
"I won it in a sabacc game, baby."
"of course."

-"Are we allowed to split our party into two vehicles?"
"That's what that random weirdo in the gas mask told us back in town, and he should know."

-"What are you going to call your hovertank, Blitzkrieg?"
"The Shaft-1"
"of course."
"Wait does that mean you never had a shaft before?"

-"What's your APV called?"
"Well, it was called the Lolipop, but we're going to rename it the Mammoth-1, on account of the huge mammoth skull in the front."

-Heidi flies back.
"Did you take care of the captain?"
"Yes. He's in a farm now, with a big field where he can crawl around with other legless captains and have fun."

-"We want to buy some dolplin explosives."
"OK, do you want your dolphin to be alive when he explodes?"
"Oh yeah, we need it to make dolphin sounds as it flies down on our enemies."
"Yes, plus his eco-location could help him target somehow."

-That night, Mu perfects his sleep-rune. When the Vegan wizard starts to annoy him, Mu puts him to sleep.
"That's a damn good spell."

-The next morning the PCs go and, having pooled their money, purchase their artillery-dolpin. The Dolphin salesman suggests that to smuggle him out of town to where they're parked, they hire his cousin who has a small cart and a giant-snail disguise for the dolphin.

-The city guardsmen are coming down the street. Nervous, Sami tries to cast Ackbasha's Sanctuary, which only draws their attention.
"You were casting some kind of spell, miss?"
"So what? Hey! I'm not allowed to cast something now? I know my rights! I thought this was America, man!!"

-They manage to distract the guards by claiming they saw someone disguised as other guards trying to sell a dolphin. They make it over to the vehicles, but Space Bear has serious reservations about their use of a projectile dolphin.
"Space Bear says the dolphin is sentient."
"How does he know?"
"Space Bear speaks dolphin."

-Blitzkrieg has to translate from Bear to Common, while Space Bear is translating from Dolphin to Bear.
"There are way too many NPCs in this group."

-They remember that the Vegan mutant can use his Animal Summoning and that when he does so the dolpins won't be sentient dolphins. He hopes.
"Cool. So do you need to cut a piece off the dolphin or something?"
"The dolphin looks very nervous."
"No, that won't be necessary."
"The dolphin looks relieved"
"OK dolphin, I just need you to shit in this cup!"
"Why, you sick fuck?!"
"Because its Venger!"

-Later in the day, a group of Space Vampires, from a rival Death Race team, come along.  The group is nervous, but they come in peace.
"We have come to offer an alliance, blah!"
"Can you give us some time to think about it?"
"Yes, we will come back in 10.. 10 hours! Ah hah haha!!"

-"I don't know, could these vampires double cross us?"
"Wouldn't a double cross hurt them?"

-"Guys, I think Mongo is petting the dolphin a bit too roughly"
"You have to pet him hard so he can feel it!"

-The pirates who the PCs stole their APV from try to ambush them on the streets of the shantytown. But Heidi first intimidates them and then recruits them. "You are my new crew. Look at me: I am the captain now!"

-For their first task, Heidi has his pirate crew go out and buy fireworks, fish (for the dolphin to eat), wooden stakes (in case the vampires double-cross them) and pirate hats.

-The Vampire crew come back to continue negotiating an alliance.
"I am Lord Dracul. These are my cohorts: Count von Count, Count Chokula, Blackula and Sidney Appelbaum."

-The Vegan is approached by a cat-humanoid, who claims he has items they might want. He wanders off with this total stranger, and Vizi goes along just in case. It turns out that the cat-people-gang are working with a stereotypical Mad Scientist (including the German accent).

-Heidi and Mu go looking for their missing team-mates. Some mental-control driven interrogation leads them to some tips on the cat-people, and Mu follows a cat-boy while psychically invisible. Unfortunately, he loses track of him, loses his invisibility, and can't find his way back to where Heidi was.

-The Mad Scientist drugs the Vegan and initially wanted to implant some kind of probe in the Vegan, but discovers that apparently the Vegan already has a probe in him, so instead he puts one in Vizi after drugging him with poisoned but delicious strudel.

-Mu gives up and heads back, but Heidi flies around and eventually finds Vizi and the Vegan, both nearly naked on a rooftop. They were robbed blind, and had been drugged to lose all their short-term memories of what happened.
They've lost their jetpacks, their armor, their weapons, their comms, their electro-spears, their light-sabres, and their dignity.

-"We're also missing Mu. Wait, let me rephrase that: Mu is not here. We don't miss him."

-They eventually find their way back to the cat hideout. Heidi breaks down the door.
"I'm here to weaponize dolphins and kick ass. And I'm all out of dolphin!"

-Heidi goes after the Mad Scientist, who had fled out the back while the group was dispatching the cat-people. But when he gets out flying he sees that the Mad Scientist tried to use a jet-pack, crashed it, and blew himself to bits starting a fire in the shantytown.

-Vizi uses his precognition on the scientist's lab, and gets a vision of himself getting implanted with a probe. He hears the scientist mention how the Vegan had a magical probe already, but that his 'client' would be pleased with Vizi getting probed.

-"Roman, I think they put something in me, not up my ass mind you. Also, the Vegan had something already inside him, which for sure was put up his ass!"
"Yup, you've got an explosive probe. Looks ass-implanted to me."
"No no, they used microsurgery. Only on me though, not on the Vegan, on him they totally implanted it anally"

-"well, I've managed to deactivate the probe, but the bad news is you still have a lot of explosives lodged firmly within your colon."
"...through microsurgery! On me, not the Vegan"

-Heidi managed to recover one of the light-sabers, a comm, and the cats had left behind some of the other armors and weapons. They also found some low-grade cybernetics, and some drugs, which are later identified as anasthesia, euthanasia drugs, and rohypnol.
"That explains the memory loss!"
"And the ass-probing!"
"Only the vegan, not me!"

-"The Vegan's probe is totally different. It seems to be magical, and it's in his chest cavity."
"Wow, that's so strange that they got it all the way up there through his ass, while they put one in my colon but not by that route!"

-"Guys, I can try to deactivate the Vegan's probe, but there's a slight chance he  might explode."
"We step back slowly... go ahead, Roman, do it!"

-"I'm going to take off all my armor and equipment to save in case I explode."
"That's incredibly grand of you given how obvious it is the rest of these assholes don't care whether you live or die."

-"Here, I'll give you a helping hand... I give the Vegan that cyber-arm I got from the lab."

-Roman fails to be able to disarm the magical probe in the Vegan, so they call on the Hippomagus to try dispel magic on it, with the help of the Sunstaff, which they briefly lend back to him. As soon as he manages to de-power the probe, they take it away again.
"But.. i was told i'd get to keep the staff?"
"You will, later."
"i'd like my staff back please..?"
"You guys realize that eventually he's going to snap and kill us all, right?"

-Sami heals the Vegan, but only on the condition that he's baptized (she had earlier suffered divine disapproval, and needed a new convert). She baptizes him by breaking a bottle of beer over his head.
"You know that kind of baptism is only what the Religious Fantastics do, right? It's not the normal way to baptize people..."
"It's now a tradition for me."

-"The good thing out of your shameful misbehaviour is that we learned we were being probed."

-That night, the party rests after an eventful day, knowing that the Death Race starts tomorrow. But late at night, they're woken up by their Pirate hirelings, altering the PCs to a very large horde of Sezrekhan zombies marching right for them!

That's it for today. Will the PCs actually make it to the Death Race next time? Will they be able to get closer to their quest? Or will they get distracted by more nonsense or yet another side-quest? And most importantly: will their projectile explosive-dolphin weapon work?

Stay tuned next time for the answers to at least some of these questions, we hope!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti half-volcano + Sutliff's Man's Best Friend

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